Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]

I think you are concentraring on what is negative about your country. The question asks for you to describe your country and environment and how it shaped you. Even if you want to point out something negative about your country, you need to say how it shaped you. Are you saying that because Saudi Arabia did not give you the opportunities it gives its male members, you wanted to move out of the country and settle elsewhere? If this is the case it has not come out clearly.

Undergraduate / "Asperger's Syndrome patients" - COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER [3]

Could you include the essay question and the word limit? Would be able to help better if I knew what it was about. On the whole the essay is good especially the last paragraph. Couple of comments/corrections -

I talked with Nick daily, asking about his life and what makes him happy - it should me - made
- showing me a world paradigm filled with trust and innocence ( What do you mean by "world paradigm" ?)
rare caliber of emotion for a child with Asperger's. ( I might be wrong but I don't think you can have a "caliber" of emotion)

Undergraduate / "I will write" - UC Transfer Personal Statement [5]

On the whole well written, interesting beginning, but I second Simone in that some of the similes and phrases are rather cliched. You need to come up with something more original.

Also a couple of grammatical mistakes -

Not only had I broke (should read - broken) my wrist, but during that same time I discovered that I (don't need this at all - can just write - but also had a torn rotator cuff ) had a torn rotator cuff.

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]

The thing is that there are positive things and there are negative things in all countries - the essay is not asking to discuss the negative or positive aspects of a country, but how they shaped her as a human being.

If Mayada has to discuss the negative aspects, she must specify how they affected her - did they make her stronger, more determined to get out and take charge of her own destiny, make her frustrated and give up on her dreams, inspire her to help other women?

Schools often look for students who are different, outstanding, unique - they look for potential leaders, people who can make a difference.
What Mayada needs to do with this essay is to show how inspite of all odds she is an achiever, someone who can rise above her circumstances. Crying about her situation in life is not going to appeal to the admission counselor no matter which part of the world she comes from!

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

Except for the first sentence, the rest of the essay seems to be fine. Concise yet gives all the details. I think it works.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

ROFL.

Just FYI many articles have been written on the fact that non native English speakers often write and teach better English than native English teachers.

Undergraduate / PEOPLE CHANGES THEIR JOB AND PLACE REGULARLY DUE TO CAREER. DISCUSS [6]

I think it would help if people were to write which university/school the essay is for and also the word limit. Sometimes the biggest problem with an essay is its length. I think Adcoms do seriously dismiss students who go way over the word limit. So for a better critique people should write who it is for and what the word limit is.

Undergraduate / Common App - Short Essay (Yoga) [9]


The word "Abundance" doesn't work. Perhaps - "a number of" would sound better - as in - ALthough I participate in a number of ...


Would read better if - which has strengthened my body and mind and improved my overall well being.
Also what is a "dog" in Yoga?

The rest seems fine. Is this the short answer for common application - activity? You could start directly by describing what Yoga does for you and end with the first sentence.

As in - Yoga is the one activity which helps me seperate myself from the world and its material concerns and concentrate on my inner spiritual and mental needs.

Undergraduate / "my abilities and talents" - UT Austin statement of purpose. [4]

Very powerful and moving story. Also good connection between what you want to do, but you need to be a bit more specific. What course would help you to help your community, country, society? How would this specific course help you?


How did you do this? Or how do you intend to do this?


I agree with Simone, this sentence can be done without as it sounds rather pretentious. Perhaps -
Today I am passionate about helping people in times of crisis and distress.


Here I would have to disagree with Simone. Some of the sentences do require the I am, I have format. This sentence works fine -


On the other hand -


These could just be modified a bit -
I have since dedicated myself to my community and the greater good. Currently serving as a crisis counselor for the ....I am also actively involved with ...

Undergraduate / From a public school to a private, small, all-girls, Catholic high school - I need a simile [10]

I agree "crying hysterically" on the first day of school is not something one would associate with a high-school student, although perhaps you are that kind of a person - emotionally expressive, which is fine I guess, if that is what you want to portray.

Couple of things that struck me as a bit odd -


Did you mean your mother's encircling arm? comforting arm? what?
also -


Clearly this is a girl you are seeing/meeting for the first time in your life - how would you know this is the "same" and "perpetually" wrinkled skirt, when this is the first time you are seeing her?

Regarding the simile - you could say it was the equivalent of Lucy walking into the frozen wastes of Narnia? Or Wendy walking into Neverneverland?

Undergraduate / Personal statement on Physics (UCAS); I scratch my head in frustration. [4]

I like the idea behind the introductory paragraph...only it is a wee bit confusing.


Did you mean - Ever think about turning Harry Potter's magical wand real - by multiplying it with "i" ?
What is "i" by the way?
The rest as the others said is - charming :-)


Not sure about the use of the word - clung
You might need to check your grammar too - simple things like missing out on articles or use of unnecessary ones - the, an, a etc

Your last two paragraphs though not "incoherent" seem to have no connection whatsoever to the previous ones. You could try to link your desire for leadership roles to your pioneering zeal and your eagerness to go where no man/woman has gone before.

The last line/paragraph needs a drastic makeover!

Undergraduate / Common App - Short Essay (Yoga) [9]

I guess those who know something about Yoga would know about the dog, but then it's not necessary that all those reading the essay would know about it. So perhaps you should change it.

Undergraduate / Why GWU, Any comments? [4]

Invest in a little research about the university before you write about why it is a good fit for you. Find out what about the university really excites you - apart from the fact that it has a beautiful campus, and that Washington is where Obama lives/works.

Check out the courses, especially the one you want to study, how would these courses help you achieve your goals. Check out the extracurriculars - the student clubs, workshops, events. See how all these fit in with your ambitions, desires, etc.

This will give the adcom a clearer idea of what kind of person you are, what you are looking for and how you would fit in with the student community at the univ.

Undergraduate / "To stand out among 40,000+ students" - umich diversity essay [5]

You have not answered the question that has been asked -


Where is the experience that helped you appreciate the differences in cultures etc?


How will your experiences as an Arab American and your achievements contribute to the diversity of the university?
Where are your achievements, your experiences and your culture in this essay? All I can see are your ideas about diversity.


What experiences?


How will you stand out?


What does Wolverine in this context mean?

Undergraduate / UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill [10]

I think the essay is very well written, good opening, good argument and an issue which affects you directly, rather than something pretentious like an economic policy which relates to China or some such.

Some grammatical mistakes, just check through.
The only part I did not particularly like was the direct "attack" on a particular member of the political community. This does not sound nice in a well thought out and unbiased essay. I think you should just leave it at Governor Perry vetoing the bill


This sounds rather like a threat and doesn't work within this essay. End with your last line, re that you will continue to work for it.

Undergraduate / Cooking, for me, is like art. Common App Short Answer [4]

IMO the essay works fine. Nice beginning, nice comparison between cooking and art.

Undergraduate / "our school government campaign" - common app short answer! [5]

Idea is good, essay and English is fine too, only thing perhaps you should talk about a bit more is how you suddenly changed from a bumbling mutterer to an eloquent speaker. Did someone motivate you, inspire you to change? Or perhaps you can start off with your passionate desire to be a speaker and why, which motivated you to work harder .

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

Ok - now that everyone seems to have murdered the essay, here's my m-t-m to revive it a bit.
I think on the whole the essay is pretty well written, grammatically correct (mostly)and keeps the interest.
A couple of things that jarred, or didn't make sense -


This does not gel with your earlier statement -


How did you get the A's without ever studying? Even geniuses have to study, perhaps not as much as the others but they do study!


As somebody mentioned earlier, this sounds less like a genius and more like someone who is just plain lazy! Not a good or the correct impression to give the admissions committee.

I think the rest is fine. I don't know why a parent should not be concerned about a child's grades. I'm sure most kids discuss them with their parents, so I think that part is fine.

All the best!

Undergraduate / "Why essay" for help. [4]

Sorry to be so blunt - but it sounds a bit childish to want to study business merely to be an "executive" in Manhattan. There has to be something more to it than that. Where are the other factors? Did nothing else happen to reinforce that first impression?

Perhaps you can give a few more images - global travel as a business executive, controlling the future and fortunes of major companies, etc

Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

As people drive into the city of Las Vegas, their first thoughts usually are...

Just a connecting sentence between the first two paragraphs might help ie on the lines of Las Vegas being a big party place, my parents were a little particular about laying the right ethical and moral foundation. Besides this, they wanted us to see what the rest of the world was like rather than being limited to the bright lights of Vegas so we travelled a lot. Though I was always interested in Marine Biology, my first dive off the island of..., during a scuba training course was when i first realised...etc etc...

This will help to connect the first para about Vegas, and your travel and interest in marine biology.

Hope this helps :-) All the best!

Undergraduate / UIUC Application essay help (Civil Engineering/Dance) [6]


contradiction - dance requires balance. At least imo.
The rest of the essays are ok. Just change the cliched first line in essay 1 as Silent mentioned.

Undergraduate / My world-- UC personal statement [4]

See if you can say anything positive about your parents while you're at it - this sounds completely negative and sounds like you're cribbing about them.

Also you need to get your tenses right, you jump from present to past to future a bit-


so I did as much as I could.


What dates are these by the way? Specify.
The rest is ok.

Undergraduate / 'As I stood in the murky spotlight...' college application essay - over the word count limit [7]

The entire first sentence can be shortened drastically.
Also you can remove superfluous words which in the long run make a big difference.


I battled my nerves on stage...instead of "while on stage"


At that moment my future looked clear to me.
Or
At that moment my desires for my future were clear to me.


These two sentences are repetitious...you could use one - either


OR

Undergraduate / 'School bus and sirens' - Meaningful Event/Experience-Does this qualify? [9]

The beginning is excellent. It's a nice story and has a nice moral to it. Anything that changes your perspective on life is a meaningful experience. You just need to tie it up to how it will effect your UF experience. I'm sure you'll do a good job. All the best!

Undergraduate / 'apples and apple seed' common app essay: influencial person [4]

chocodollar


My parents divorced when I was four


I used to look at all the things that I do not have instead of what I do.


other children who had both their parents, attended family ...


For she has made me who I am today.


My mother used to tell me about herself at bedtime.


Her parents were divorced and she used to live with my alcoholic grandmother.


she lived during the most difficult period of Chinese history


She did not resign herself to her fate.

You need to check this essay thoroughly. There are too many grammatical and spelling errors. The idea is good but you must get your grammar right.

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

I agree with all the above suggestions - the first version of the essay made no sense whatsoever. The second one is a definite improvement, but I think more than anything the use of "big" words without knowing the meaning of them, makes the essay a complete mess. Here are some instances which I think you should look into -


What do you mean by this? Was it a situation that existed or was it an imaginary situation that you had created in your mind?


Again, what do you mean you attempted to find "inhibit"?


This sentence should perhaps read - I had no other motive than to indulge my curiosity. I had every scenario played out in my mind before I had even started, and gave each considerable importance.


A subject cannot be imperious, people can be imperious.


This is toooo verbose - try to use simpler words. You will not be impressing the Adcom through your use of such big words.


transpired does not fit in here - I presume you meant "inspired"


what do you mean compatible with you?


Your curiosity cannot be the pioneer, you might be the pioneer. Also what do you mean by 'the central dogma that is biology" what is biology the central dogma to??

I would suggest you redo your entire essay removing all these unnecessary words and replace them with simpler language.

Undergraduate / "to acknowledge our differences" - Common app: last prompt on Diversity [4]

I like your essay, it speaks from the heart, and shows how you overcame your weakness. Just a few minor grammatical and stylistic suggestions -


remove - which now I realize - it confuses the sentence and the reader


When I regained consciousness
Actually this entire sentence doesn't make sense - did you realise that the car was gone when you regained consciousness or did the car go after you regained consciousness?


since you have not mentioned any instances of how she had done that, it's best to avoid this statement.
The rest works ok. All the best!

Undergraduate / "Culture and envornment" - Univ of Miami undergraduate essay [4]

Very moving essay. I feel for you :-(
That said, you need to work harder on your conclusion about how you have changed because of your circumstances. Rather than focussing on the negative, I would suggest you write about how you matured, how you faced up to your situation in life and tried to make either the best of it, or tried to get out of it.

Hope you get into university. All the very best!

Undergraduate / "trip to the Gurdwara" - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [10]

The idea of using your sikh identity as your contribution to diversity is good. But perhaps you can elaborate a bit more on what being a sikh means - it is not just faith and the belief in God, it also goes beyond and focusses strongly on community service and giving to the poor in the form of langar and sewa. This you can bring out more strongly and show how it gels with the Michigan spirit.

Again, a suggestion - your essays are rather verbose and wordy, try saying the same thing in simpler language. You lose the reader in the circumambulations of your sentences and end up sounding pompous. :-) I hope you got my point!

Undergraduate / "the Kingdom of Bhutan" - COMMON APP ESSAY, CHECK [7]

I liked this essay immensely. Usually people write about what they have learnt about diversity by interacting with people from different countries - by writing about how you learnt about your own culture you have given a different twist to the term 'diversity'.

Well done. As for the grammatical corrections, aa6877 has already touched on many of them.
All the best!

Undergraduate / U of Michigan, gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. [9]

You need to work on your English more. The idea is good but you need to go over your essay thoroughly in order to correct the language. Using the wrong word at the wrong place will mess up things a bit.

For instance, I'm not sure you really meant to say -

Undergraduate / "no sense of diversity" - My Rutgers Essay [5]

The essay is good in that the ideas conveyed are interesting, but the language needs to be checked. I agree with Haru in that the first line is really offputting. The revision is equally bad. By saying that


you are implying that Rutgers is not all that great a university, which no university would want to hear.
You have not specified which town you come from. Either you come from the same town as Rutgers (since you pass by the campus every day) or you come from some other town. If you come from the same town, this statement does not make sense -


And if you come from some other town, then it is always a good idea to specify which town it is.


lovable is not exactly the word to use. People are lovable, I don't think universities can be.


You should also perhaps give a brief explanation of why this is so. THe last para also needs a little more explanation. I am sure just passing by the campus has not changed you into the confident person that you have become.

Undergraduate / Rape as a topic? [11]

I agree with Mayada, I am left with the question - how?
The essay is very powerful but I wonder at what point you decided to take matters into your own hands and start your healing process. What pushed you to change and not let things slide? And what steps did you take towards it?

Like Mayada said, this is the most important part of the essay. You can be briefer about what happened, but you need to elaborate on what the positive side of it all was. Since like she said, the Adcom will want to know how you will face the challenges and rigours of a university life. It is not always the ends that are important but also the means by which you achieve them.

Undergraduate / U of Mich: ACADEMIC INTEREST economics and prebusiness admin [7]

For the application to the college of literature, that is in the main application, what interest did you choose? If you put Pre-Business Administration then that is what you should explain. Although you can touch upon Economics too as they are kind of related. I don't think you should have much of a problem as the two subjects are so close to each other.

Undergraduate / U of Mich: ACADEMIC INTEREST economics and prebusiness admin [7]

Yes that should work. If you have already taken some courses in these subjects you can mention that and show how your interest was piqued. Talk about business and economics and the relation between the two

Undergraduate / CORNELL SUPPLEMENT, GROSS NATIONAL HAPPINESS [5]

My only comment - you have not touched upon the second part of the prompt - how will you utilize the programs etc at Cornell to explore your interest.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplementary Essay #2-Sudoku The Roommate Message [6]

Yes, as Kevin said - perhaps something more about your personality, using Sudoku as a base - show how you like solving problems etc
This is just one aspect of your personality - I think you should touch a bit more on other aspects too

Undergraduate / "engendered a love for fashion" - stanford roommate essay [10]

I take offence at the stereotype of a careless Asian woman driver - I am a woman driver and Asian, and I am an excellent driver - have never had a single black mark on my license! I hope no Asian woman driver reads your essay!

The rest everyone else has covered.

Undergraduate / An artist's hands - UC Essay [17]

It's an amazingly beautiful and well written essay! I can understand what you're trying to say. Sometimes we do things because we are told it is the right thing to do whether we feel comfortable doing it or not. Your decision at the end to do what you feel is right, shows your confidence in yourself and your focus towards your own goals. I think that's come out well.

You could shorten it by cutting out what is repetitious. For instance, you started out with your teacher saying that your hands don't look like a musician's. Three sentences later you say the same thing in quotes. Perhaps you could cut out the whole of the first part and start straight with the quotes and go on from there.


I didn't understand this bit. Why do people insult you? Also the bit that I've marked in red, does not make sense. If you're good at what you do, this takes away from it. Makes you sound like a butterfingers.


Also this sentence seems to contradict what you said earlier about neighbours and strangers applauding your music. Perhaps you can explain why you feel lonely playing the harp.

Just some minor tweaking should make the essay work better.
All the best!

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 "Operation Iraqi Freedom" [6]

It's a moving essay, but it doesn't really show how it shaped your aspirations. Your dad going to war - how did that affect you, except that it left you with your stepmother. If that is the case then you need to perhaps say that more strongly, that your dad left to defend the country but left you defenseless in the process with a drug addict. Without describing in too much detail how she coped with her addiction, perhaps you can talk more about how looking after her affected your grades.

At the end however you need to show in a positive way how you have come out of it. This positive part has been dealt with very briefly and very offhandedly if you know what I mean. Look at this sentence -


Show what courses you took, and what grades you achieved, which will show that you did make a positive comeback.


Also at what point did you make this commitment? Was it after your dad got back and you realized that you had let yourself go? And what made you make this commitment? There is no before or after to this sentence.