Writing Feedback / People in our modern age stay longer than in the past generation [3]

Sorry, this essay is very difficult for me and i can write only two paragraphs.
Can you help me write one more paragraph and revise all the essay.
I want feedback to improve my essay when i see this type of question.
Thank you

In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of the phenomenon. Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay

I think that a lot people in our modern age stay longer than in the past generation. The development of sanitation and treatment plays an important role in extending the life span as well as better food production process. Technology is an important factor that prolongs people's life.

First, Advancement of the medical research can create new ways to maintain a good health.
Today, it is true that medical industry grows well and a lot of drugs are produced as a cure for the older. For example, natural vitamins are extracted into a capsule-like medicine and when the older take it, they feel more vigorous and active and do not have to sit on a chair.

Second, quality-control appliances are used to assess the food-making process.
In the past, we did not know about whether materials used are good or not and a lot of people are in bad health condition. Nowadays, many factories which get involved in the food manufacture employ a new technology to make sure that the older does not to eat food which contains unhealthy substances.

In conclusion, people in our generation are not worried about how long they live. When it comes to life, we make sure it does not cause us irritated. The technologies have extended life longer and change the way we think of death.

Writing Feedback / (Elephant) the most important animal in your country? Why is the animal important? [4]

Some question is very difficult to me, but i try my best to produce one clearly and logically.
Can you help me revise this essay? I really need feedback tom improve my writing skill a lot.
Thank you

What is the most important animal in your country? Why is the animal important? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.

In my opinion, an elephant is an important animal in my country, Thailand. It has been used in many ways like a vehicle for King, one for trading and an attractive animal performance. There are three reasons why I think an elephant is the most popular in Thailand.

First, in the past, King Phumiphon always rode an elephant not only for battle but for sightseeing. There were wars between Thai and Burma and a lot of high-ranking soldiers and King had to use an elephant as a good carrier both for warfare and tourism. An elephant has many qualities such as strength and bravery. For example, it can go through wetlands or muddy areas without being bogged down in it and travel to forests. Another is that it can boldly fight with enemies during the war, resulting in many victories.

Second, we could carry a lot of goods by elephants.
About two centuries ago, there was no lorry for transportation of things like logs and raw materials for trade exchange in cities. Although we could use other animals for this task, no one is as convenient as an elephant because it was able to bring a lot of things from a village to a city through rough and bumpy route effectively. Even though, Cattle were one which can transport goods, but it was not convenient for long distances

Third, everybody is very excited and interested to attend the elephant football game.
In Thailand, every year, a lot of people from around the globe come to watch this sport and many teams join the competition for The King's Title. There are several appealing aspects of this tournament; for instance, people who participate have to be careful with their movement because if not, they will fall to the ground and get injuries. Moreover, they have to use a skill of controlling a ball from Hockey to score a goal.

In summary, an elephant has a great number of benefits not only for military but also for business. Couple of centuries ago, there was not any vehicle for troops in the war than an elephant and it was very difficult for dealers to transport goods from one place to another without although cattle are useful too. Finally, a lot of children can enjoy the sport game during a holiday.

Writing Feedback / (control / opportunities /compliance) important qualities of a good supervisor (boss) [2]

This is a difficult essay and i need you all to revise it and give me some feedback
I really want it to improve my writing essay.
Thank you

What are some important qualities of a good supervisor (boss)? Use specific details and examples to explain why these qualities are important.

In my view, a good supervisor has a lot of responsibilities which directly refer to the business administration in many companies. By main qualities that are very important are hard-working, generosity and obedience to a company's regulation, the company has a bright future and success of business transaction.

First, my friend, Choo, spends full-time checking and control the working of his subordinates. He has been responsible for supervising and evaluating a lot many personnel in the company. Due to his hard contribution, he can differentiate people who are lazy from those who are diligent. Therefore, the company prospers in a positive way.

Second, He always gives opportunities to his squads who failed to do their duty.
Mr Choo is not much worried about failure of his subordinates although it causes a lot of trouble for the company. He said that everyone has his second chance and when you do wrong, you can make it right. By this policy, all the personnel in a company fully can put heart and soul to their work and result in a lot of success.

Third, he strictly complies with the rule by punishing everyone who is against the company.
Mr Choo is not so kind that he let his squads do whatever they want. When they do not behave well, they must tell exactly reasons for it. If they are right, he will not punish them. However, he is badly severe on those who commit illegally and his heart does not go out to them. For example, Mr Choo immediately sack personnel, in charge of accounting, who intentionally write a wrong figure in the revenue report and do not care for whatever professional backgrounds they have.

To sum up, a company cannot succeed in the business world without internal working evaluation of personnel by a supervisor. If he has these qualities like hard-working, generosity and adherence to firm's rules, the company will grow very profitably. For Mr Choo, he is very responsive and honest and owing to his keen supervising skill contributes good accomplishments of the company.

Writing Feedback / Some people enjoy changes, and they look forward to new experiences. Others not. [6]

This is my essay and i am not sure whether it is right or not. Can you help me revise it?

Thank you for your help.

Some people enjoy changes, and they look forward to new experiences. Others like their lives to stay the same and they do not change their usual habits. Compare these two approaches to life. Which do you prefer? Explain why

In my opinion, people in some places have to adapt to the changes of the society they live in, but some insists on retaining old customs and traditions. For me, I think about maintaining the old culture as many parents do.

First, people want to keep up with new trends especially from western regions.
It is accepted that a globalization current that spreads across the globe affect traditional thinking of the modern generations. They think that copying new norms can make their life better and refuse to adhere to the old ones. For example, persons always eat Hamburger every day after school and I ask them why you do it. They said they had though hamburger as good food to eat everywhere.

Second, they try to maintain ancient norms and value of their parent generations.
Although the current globalization brings about changes in many ways ranging from professional to personal lives, some people consider their traditional lifestyles important and still hold to them. For instance, In Thailand, whenever the harvest season comes, they all help one another to collect produce and sell it to a market without any wages. The money from the harvest is allocated equally.

Third, I agree with those who strictly keep up with the old belief.
I am uncomfortable with people who give up the traditions of their family because I think they do not respect their own family. Moreover, I feel that old norms are somewhat valued and future generations are proud they inherited old cultures from their ancestry.

To sum up, people have different perspectives of either retaining old norms or creating new ones. Their parents' view toward it is varied; some want to change new things and some do not. I believe complying with old traditions is better because I need to adhere to the will of my grandfather who intends to create and protect norms and value forever.

Writing Feedback / Important skill a person should learn in order to successful in the world today? [3]

This is my second essay i wrote this month, I am not sure it is grammatically and logically accurate and the exam next month is a big tournament for me. Can you help me revising this essay. I need help. Thank you

What is a very important skill a person should learn in order to successful in the world today? Choose one skill and use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

In my opinion, the world is changing in many complex and various ways and it is very difficult for normal people to keep up with them. However, the skill you can learn to be successful in the current global is survival. There are many approaches for survival like studying, association among people and child-rearing in case you have a baby.

First, you have to get education for a living.

Today, education is very important and you cannot earn a living without it. Therefore, you have to go to school where you can learn a lot of things necessary for your future career. For example, you study marketing to work as marketing personnel in a private company. Moreover, the education teaches you to be active in learning and understand social problems and know ways to resolve them effectively.

Second, you have to make friends with your colleague

Nowadays, it is impossible to stay alone and not go out with your friends. Although you have a job to earn a living, you have to be outgoing so that when you have problems, your friends can help you. For example, you work as a salesman and have to fulfill the objectives set up by a manager; when you get stuck with you work, you can refer to your friends for help.

Third, you have to learn approaches of taking care of children.

When your baby is born, the first thing to do is to consult with doctors about how to bring him up; they can give you a lot of advice which you can apply to your child care. Moreover, you may ask your friends who have a baby for tips to make a normal living while taking care of them so that you fell no worry about it.

In conclusion, the twentieth-first century is a turning point that propels the world towards the future and you have to adapt to it for survival. The methods available for you are to get knowledge for a job, associate with more people for better protection when you are in trouble and advice of child care when you get marriage.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all [2]

I have not practiced a toefl writing for at least one year and i am not sure whether this new essay is logically accurate. Can you help me correct errors in the essay because i am going to take a writing exam next month for master degree.

Thank you.

The question is
Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why.

Answer is
In my opinion, all students should receive higher education. It does not only bring knowledge and job to earn but also teach all students to understand democracy. The higher education provides many benefits for all students.

First, the students have an opportunity to broaden their horizons of the world.
Today, it is undeniable that a lot of students are deceived into doing wrong things such as robbery and burglary. Therefore, when they go to study and learn many subjects like marketing and business, they feel more proud of themselves that I am educated and able to do right things and are able to realize them as part of a society who can improve a country.

Second, they have enough knowledge which leads to a career for a living.
In the modern society, if you do not have enough knowledge, you will not be qualified for your preferred jobs. The job which you do can bring a lot of money so that you can pay for other expenses like shopping and child-rearing.

Third, Students who are well-educated do have intelligence to take part in politics.
Nowadays, a society which people are illicit does not prosper; in the other hands, one that people are clever creates a lot of successes. For example, the youth movement in many middle regions can topple the bad regime because its participants do have knowledge and are unsatisfied with the current government administration; therefore, they take onto the street to call for more participation in politics.

In conclusion, higher education is by far important for students in many ways. They may want to learn new things instead of old traditions, with a lot of knowledge, they can apply it to their career and with deep realization in their rights and role from their jobs, they decide to go on strike for more involvement in the government administration.

Writing Feedback / toefl essay - Human is a threat to an another human [6]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
I am preparing for an exam, so please help me

The question is that

Some people believe that the earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Human is a threat to an another human

In my view, human activities are detrimental to the earth. Many chemical industries bring about air, water and noise pollutants to people living in a nearby community. Without concrete measures to solve these problems, people are not able to lead a happy and stable life.

To begin with, an oil refinery located near a village can expel dangerous substances which destroy respiratory system. To illustrate, my friend, john, live within a mile away from a TPI Oil factory. When going to work, he has to walk past the factory every day. After doing this for a month, he has a problem with breathing system. An air passage tends to be sore and small dust is deposited in it. This difficulty causes him to go to a hospital every so that he cannot continue the routine life.

Furthermore, a trash recycling factory located near the canal discharge waste water which triggers stomach problems among local people. For example, one of my neighbors, Mr Kong, always takes a bath in the canal every evening. After a Sam Recycle factory is established, it releases tons of dirty water to the canal, which causes a skin allergy to people who swim in the canal. They are admitted into a hospital immediately because of his unusual skin cancer. They have to drop out of a school and their parents must pay more money to heal them.

More importantly, a stone mill near a village affects lifestyles of people living nearby. For instance, my aunt who has had a serene life near a mountain for a long time cannot lead a normal life after The TAK mill factory is built. As drilling rock every day to export to foreign countries, it triggers noise that has a severe effect on a local school. Students there cannot continue their studying so that they will not have a chance to further higher education.

In conclusion, there are a lot of tremendous problems brought about by a chemical factory. It forces people to move to other areas with a tranquil atmosphere suitable for a living, eliminates local lifestyles of swimming in a canal, which is not easily seen, and affects improving knowledge of people not having an opportunity to study in a city.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Advertising can tell you a lot about a country [4]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am preparing for an exam, so help me

The question is that

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In my opinion, I agree that advertising can tell you a lot about a country. It promotes education, business and tourism to international communities. Using advertising can cause employment and income necessary for leading a normal and stable life.

To begin with, it can inform international students of appropriate places to study. In the globalization, many people who are rich tend to continue Bachelor or Master degree abroad. With concise advertising plans, foreign students begin to know your country and think about studying here. When admitted into your local university, a lot of money is circulating within a country and increases jobs of service apartments for such international students. People are likely to work as a receptionist or even security guards at an apartment and have money to supplement your family expenses

Furthermore, it can attract many investors to do business in your country. In general, many countries have their own potentials such as land and workforce to serve international companies. With good advertising scheme, foreigner companies get information to consider whether your countries are the best choice. If foreigner investors are interested to do business in your country, it may be a good chance to increase a job opportunity for local people to earn for a living.

More important, it can draw a lot of tourists to visit your country. Generally-speaking, many countries have many tourist attractions which are unique enough for foreign tourists to relax. With succinct advertising methods, foreigners know about your countries and make a final decision to stay overnight or more. When a number of tourists arrive at your country, a lot of service jobs such as receptionist, tour guide and tour operator act as a good source of money for local people. If they work for one of these jobs, they will have money to feed their family day by day.

In conclusion, advertising has many valuable advantages if it is effectively used. It creates more demand for more residents or apartments and people who working for service apartments, improves standard of living for local people who are employed in a foreign company, and make local people decide to take a course concerning tourism so that they will do these jobs to earn a money for their family.

Writing Feedback / Toelf essay Some people believe that success comes in life from taking risks [4]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing an essay, so please help me.
An essay exam is forthcoming.

The question is that

Some people believe that success comes in life from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

In my opinion, success comes from careful planning. You have to spend more than months preparing for an exam for university admission, learn and obtain worthwhile experiences from internship to get yourself ready for a job after graduation, and familiar yourself with unexpected conflicts among colleagues during a work by looking back on the similar example which happened in a university so that the problem is effectively solved. With careful planning, people are able to survive and live a happy life in a complex era of the globalization.

To start with an example, Mr, Joe, The son of Mrs, Brown, can attend a famous university in United State. To illustrate, he wants to study at the Hardvard University, so he arranges a time schedule to read all materials necessary for passing a difficult exam with more than thousand opponents. Because of his good planning in a timeframe of his working toward an exam, he is able to be admitted into the Hardvard University as his wish.

Furthermore, during his studying at the Harvard University, he makes a decision to do an internship at Film Company to practice his knowledge in classroom. As taking a course in mass communication he really wants to expand his knowledge by working as an intern at a film company to gain more experiences important in this kind of field. After working here for a while, he makes sure that he is ready for going in for a position in mass communication after graduation. His skill will make a lot of profits for a prospect company.

More important, In addition to his good experiences in working, he knows how to stay with coworkers in a film company. The way he use to lessen this difficult is to refer to his precedents when studying in a Harvard University. One of the methods is that he should pay attention to his colleagues by helping them out with hard assignments. With this approach, he is likely to continue his work smoothly.

In conclusion, the use of careful planning has more benefits than one of taking risks or chance. You cannot pass a university exam within a month without studying hard, cannot be quickly accustomed to a real work without experiences and cannot be friendly with other people working in a office, which results in resignation in the end.

Writing Feedback / teacher's teaching ability, a salary rise and a promotion to a higher level - teachers evaluation [5]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing an essay. Please help me.

The question is that

Schools should ask students to evaluate their teachers. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
I agree that if students are asked to evaluate their teacher, it will be better for a school to assess these elements about teacher's teaching ability, a salary rise and a promotion to a higher level. Schools are able to maintain a standard level of education in a complex era of the world.

To begin with, a school knows that a teacher puts enough heart and soul into giving knowledge to students. To illustrate, in my home town, one of my teacher Mr, Kong always hand out all papers necessary for a student to pass a final exam. He always acts as a part-time consultant to help out students who have low grades. When given the evaluation form by the dean, almost all students respect him best, which result in his consistent level of teaching throughout a semester.

Furthermore, a school is likely to consider whether one of the teachers is qualified for an increase in a monthly payment. To be specific, in addition to having ability to teach students, Mr , kong is taken into account the able one who are given a one thousand dollar next month. When the end of the semester comes, students are required to submit an evaluation form to an office of the dean for consideration. The result is that Mr, Kong is finally cut out for a pay raise.

More important, a school finds it easy to move one of the teachers to a high rank. To be specific, Mr, Kong are not only given a salary rise, but also transferred to a head of the Academic Department which are responsible for handling educational matters in a school. During the meeting with all of the boards of a school, he is selected as one who tends to be chosen for taking on this position, because of his evaluation form handed in by students. Such form indicates that he is the best one for head of Academic Department.

In conclusion, it cannot be denied that if a teacher is evaluated by students, it will provide the following things. A school knows who pay most attention to his teaching career, who are suitably qualified for a pay raise without any doubt, and who has enough qualifications necessary for doing a more difficult position.