Scholarship / "fairly knowledgeable of the Bible" - Scholarship Essay [4]

I think that the revision is better from a purely objective essay perspective. If I were grading it, this one would receive higher marks.

Before you turn it in, though, read it out loud to see how it sounds. You'll catch things that way that you might not otherwise.

Undergraduate / "the opportunities to excel in the major of my choice." - FSU Admissions Essay [8]

You'll need to express at some point why film production is your choice. And then you'll need to direct all of your experiences toward that. That will make your essay much more focused and coherent.

Essays / Firearms: Reading and Responding Essay [2]

You could draw in other similar stories so that the comparison makes your points more vivid. It would also lengthen your response.

Also, more detail about the philosophy of owning handguns as opposed to not owning them would be good as well and give substance to the statistics.

Book Reports / "Everything that rises must converge" and "A good man is hard to find" - compare [4]

Very nicely done.

There is a lot you could do with this. It would be interesting to see more. But I don't know what kind of limits you have.

Scholarship / "fairly knowledgeable of the Bible" - Scholarship Essay [4]

This is actually quite good.

It isn't necessary to give a name at al. You could just say a special teacher, or make up a name or anything like that. It's not the important part of the story.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Which is more important for success ------ [6]

Intelligence isn't an easy thing like you make it seem. It has to be trained and focused. There is lots of hard work intelligent people have had to do to make it look easy. Don't be fooled by that.

Both are necessary for success.

Undergraduate / making my college essay sing as loudly and well as I can. [4]

Very nice. The change was a good one.

Writing Feedback / Understand Our Heritage - critical essay on Alice Walker's "Everyday Use" [3]

Good ideas, but there are some distracting grammar issues. Nice use of quotes to support your points.

Read this out loud to get a sense of how it sounds. That will help you a lot.

Undergraduate / "My Father" UCF ESSAY [2]

That story is too big for the writing you gave it. Lots of stuff there, good emotional stuff. I want to know more. Add details. Make it a living experience rather than a headline experience.

Undergraduate / "i was covered in blood" - florida state university [3]

'Lying' instead of 'laying.' You're not an object.

Fascinating story, but it's like reading a CNN headline. Where are the details?

Undergraduate / "to expand my experiences and knowledge" - University of Florida Essay [2]

Sinister courses? Tedious?

Sounds like you're great at pushing yourself, not so good at enjoying the ride. If I were on the committee reading this, I would have doubts about your sincerity in learning, and may suppose you do it for reasons other than the pleasure learning brings.

College is a wonderful place for expanding your mind. I think they'd prefer to know that you're excited about the possibilities.

Undergraduate / How my trip aborad helped me relized shelteredness - Common app short answer [2]

Interesting experience.

Your last sentence represents quite a jump. I'm sure it wasn't that essay. It would be nice if the reader had some of the intermediate steps you too in realizing that you had a need to take action on global issues. The way it's written, it's just hardly believable.

Undergraduate / FSU Essay. This one's so hard to write on. =[ [6]

Great advice and critique here.

In the first sentence, you can just say tiny mountains. That will save you two words.

Too many adjectives and adverbs. It clutters your thoughts. Try more expressive verbs.

Undergraduate / My mother and my close friend Cedrica ; The Most Influential person in my life [5]

Sometimes there is more than one person, but it is better to write about just one. But delete the sentence that says there's only one.

The essay is all jumbled together. All of the experiences are important, but they need to be expressed in a more expanded kind of way. Slowly. Let the reader enjoy you.

Writing Feedback / Ielts---whether the pros of multi-cultured societies are more than the cons [5]

The first thing I notice is that the vocabulary is way beyond you. You don't use these words in your normal speaking and it shows here. Everything sounds stilted and contrived, like you are trying to impress someone.

But it's not impressive. This essay should be clear, direct and use vocabulary that is simpler and more comfortable for you. The most impressive essay is one where the writer expresses himself/herself easily in an intelligent, fluent way. That is the hardest thing to do.

You're going to have to do a major rewrite, but I think you'll be more pleased in the end.

Undergraduate / Rice University Tranfer Essay; 'Wendy the axe murderer' [2]

The first sentence needs quotation marks.

This is very well done. You've done a lot in your life. I wish my own scouting experience had been as good.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay---Technology has made the world a better place to live. [16]

I think it's fine now. It's ok if it's a little longer, because it is a more complex subject than others.

I would also leave in the definition of technology. I'm not all that sure everyone knows what it is in this case. it will help support what you say later in the essay.

Undergraduate / UCF Essay-Why I would like to attend. [7]

Much better, Carrie, much better. That opening paragraph is now much more credible, and fits in exactly with your point. It helps to tie everything together. I am very pleased with your revision.

Writing Feedback / First Philosophy Essay; Pascal's Wager and the Advent of Infinite Future Gods [8]

I was already aware of Pascal's Wager, so of course I recognized what you were saying. But reading back over it now, I can see that you were quite precise in defining it, so I think most anyone with intelligence would understand it as you've expressed it.

Undergraduate / Short Activity essay on commonapp...about debate!~ [8]

We sometimes use 'aura' for that knowing what someone is by the way they carry themselves. In your case it would be an aura of confidence.

Undergraduate / Working with me - Common App - Someone who had a significant influence on you [7]

Very nicely done. it is clear, and to the point, and wastes no words that are unnecessary.

I have a very nice clear picture of you.

Undergraduate / "the opportunities to excel in the major of my choice." - FSU Admissions Essay [8]

EF Kevin made some really good points. it would be good to go by those.

I understand about the religion part, and don't have a problem with it except when you mention Revelation. A lot of non-Christian and more liberal Christians have deep issues with that. it has an evangelical flavor that some find frightening or limiting. Remember who you are writing this for. They are not going to be all Christian, likely. So you may not wish to mention it so specifically.

Undergraduate / My life embodies FSU's guiding philosophy - my explanation [7]

I really think this essay should be full of examples. Those Latin terms don't mean much without them.

You just have to be careful about running them together. Be judicious in your choices.

Undergraduate / Short Activity essay on commonapp...about debate!~ [8]

"Never have debated before high school, I trembled with fear in voice at my first appearance on a debate stage. Nevertheless, when I kept on the track, I found it enabled me not only to speak fluently in public, but also to approach problems critically and comprehensively. Having to react and express within seconds, I also acquired an acute intelligence, which kind of gave me a bright temperament in appearance."

This is difficult for several reasons. A lot of people think that intelligence is changeable by effort. It isn't. It stays constant. You already had the intelligence.

Bright temperament in appearance? What does that mean, exactly?

I think you've got something good here, but it needs some more work. Stay away from vocabulary you don't normally use. It's easy to tell that you don't use it when you do that.

Writing Feedback / First Philosophy Essay; Pascal's Wager and the Advent of Infinite Future Gods [8]

There is another possibility which may complicate things, but is worth discussing. many people now believe that there are not an infinite number of gods, but that one god has many names, and all of the apparently different gods are the same one. This renders the future gods argument moot, and leaves us with only Pascal's argument.

The complication comes when one does not chose based on potential cost but on other factors, such as desire, need, personality, opportunity and the like.

Undergraduate / Strength, Art, and Tradition. Writing this essay has helped me fathom who I really am. [5]

Nice points, mpatt.

Much better, Melanie. There is a much better flow and the vocab doesn't jolt the reader any more.

Follow mpatt's advice and let me see that revision. I'm looking forward to it.

Undergraduate / My relationship with my grandparents had always been rough. Common app essay [10]

I agree with keds and EFSean. If you're going to use thiss as an admission essay, the past and the present have to tie together. The experience of perseverence is a very important one for college work. That despite even difficult personal obstacles, you keep trying.

But you'll have to make that connection really tight in your writing. Everything should focus on that. Details in your life when you persevered. Stories. Incidents.

When you've done that, you can fix the grammar. Read it out loud to yourself, see how it flows. If there are rough spots, you can fix them.

The essay is very good in places. It's worth working on.

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

I'm sure there are people who will do that, but there are some things that will help it: your post has a date and time, so you have proof that yours is the original.

Second, as EFTeam said, use your real name. That's more evidence.

Undergraduate / "I'm a nerd." - common app essay-topic of your choice-comments? [5]

My first thought is that the dictionary is unbiased. Mainstream dictionaries are neutral. My guess is that there are different kinds of nerdiness, and there are certainly misconceptions about that. I think I'm kind of nerdy too, because of my academic pursuits. But I also played football, have had some very nice relationships, and generally fit in.

So I think it might help if, at the beginning, you define what nerdiness is to you. Maybe you can leave off the dictionary meaning, and focus on the social meanings. That might give you a more solid direction.

Undergraduate / FSU-"Vires, Artes, Mores"-my experiences in life (first draft) [7]


This part isn't really necessary.

Verily has, as you acknowledged, some interesting and salient points. I look forward to seeing your revision.

Undergraduate / "my venture in French" - University of Florida Essay [4]


Two things here: you've already used the expression 'hand-in-hand' once above. Twice in a short essay is too much. The expression is rather trite to begin with, and doesn't carry the expressive power it once did. Try to find a fresh new way to say the same thing.

The same is true with 120 percent. Uggghh!!! It is nearly meaningless. Of course I understand that you mean more effort than required. But again, try to find a unique way to say the same thing without being so cliche.

Otherwise, your essay is fine..

Writing Feedback / Free Art; positive artistic activities should always be encouraged [6]


Technically, if you limit art in any way, it isn't unlimited. This is a difficult argument. It is almost impossible to even say what art is or isn't. We have a fundamental sense of when it isn't, and we definitely know when it is, but saying why we know or how we know is impossible.

Also, what is art to me may not be to you. So if we had to decide, how would we do it? There is no standard by which to judge it.

That is exactly why I think it is dangerous to limit artistic expression in any form. Certainly governments shouldn't be doing it. If you are going to make that argument, you are going to have to be very objective about it. And also very persuasive.

Undergraduate / 'Not settling for medicore any more' - UF ESSAY meaningful experience [7]

I have to agree with EF Sean.

BUT...there is a way out. You mentioned in the first paragraph about your experience in overcoming boundaries and limits. Instead of focusing on the great GATOR NATION, why not talk about overcoming personal barriers and how you've learned about excellence from your experiences. Much more interesting, I assure you.

Writing Feedback / Friction Between Roommates Draft [4]


Don't need 'from' twice in the same sentence. :-)

Nice essay. You've covered the points very well.


Do you think this is true, really?

Undergraduate / As a native Floridian... FSU Application Essay ("Vires, Artes, Mores") [7]


Delete this part---the details are not necessary--and add 'and' just before the last part. That will help some.

Undergraduate / "John's influence" - comment on my essay. Is the topic too generic? [4]


This is not the best way to say this. A motorcycle has no capacity to decide. We do say things like that sometimes, but they are always in very informal situations. In a college essay, unless it is a part of a dialogue, I don't think it is formal enough.

I liked this a lot. The hardest part was figuring out who John was. You didn't tell it until the very end of a long first paragraph. I was distracted by not knowing.

Undergraduate / Strength, Art, and Tradition. Writing this essay has helped me fathom who I really am. [5]

This is nice.

There are some problems with vocab choice, though. For example, 'endure' works much better than 'endeavor.' Check on these things again. Precision is very important in meaning.

Undergraduate / Elaborate on ONE of your activities (common application) (basketball) [14]

I agree that the first one is better.

On a simple level, you made the connection by mentioning them in consecutive sentences, both in connection with your hands. The connection in the reader's mind is intuitive, though you didn't state it outright. It may also have a lot to do with reader memory.

That's the thing about writing. You are not the only supplier of information. Readers contribute to the meaning too.

Undergraduate / "Going to FSU will only make me stronger" [3]


All of this isn't necessary. It is a bit awkward, too. Your intelligence will endure regardless of whether you push yourself academically. Intelligence isn't changeable by effort. The first sentence is a good way to end the discussion.

Your essay is interesting. It explains a lot about why culture is important, and how it has the impact on us that it does. I've always heard that Appalachian mountain people always return to the mountains. There is something very powerful about place in our psyches, and you are getting at that.

Undergraduate / "my love of learning and compassion for others" - fsu vires artes mores essay [6]

I found the same flatness EF Sean did.

I might take a chance and tell everything from a personal perspective and never even mention the word 'mores.' A perceptive reader will get it anyway, and that's better writing if you can convince someone without telling them what they are to notice. It's just like your life. You'd never mention the word 'character' in connection with yourself, but people would know about your strong character by your actions.