Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Posts by srandhawa
Joined: Oct 28, 2009
Last Post: Jun 7, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 157  

From: United States of America

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Jun 7, 2010
Undergraduate / 'bike race' - U of Chicago - How did you get caught? [6]

You do realize this was last yrs UCHICAGO prompt? Or did you apply this yr and just want to post this essay? if your a rising senior applying this fall, the essay prompts going to be completely different, UChicago's gonna throw another one of their infamous essay prompts at you, gluck, this was the essay prompt i also used for mine when i applied back in the fall( and just about everybody i know used it)
Apr 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Waitlist letter to washington university st.louis [3]

you definitely want to introduce yourself here, also washu is big on interest, EFkevin nailed this, show something specific about why you want to go there, not just oh Washu fits me perfectly or " As an aspiring premed student, attending a school that caters to my interests, structures itself around people like me and would help nurture my talents is of utmost importance to me and I am so glad that Washington University provides all these". Thats more jargon than anything, i know you need some of this, but you can be way more specific w/ any particular washu programs that truely arent OFFERED ANYWHERE ELSE. Think about how many vague letters WASHU gets about interest in the school( and being that washu WLS ridiculous amounts of ppl, there are alot of them), that vague stuff wont do anything to get you on their rador which is what your looking for

Second off, you want to send this to your regional admissions officer, email the undergrad office or call them or look up if you can who that person is. Get the regional adcoms attention directly. Also, id call your adcom and try talking to them and reiterating pts on why you want to go and that you'll go if you get in.

Also, if you can get another rec or somebody of highest possible source in your school to contact your regional adcom and lobby for you, thats something you def. want to do.

one other thing, when you say youve gotten into several other schools, list them, no school will directly ever admit this, but they like stealing from other top schools, especially a place like WASHU who does all kinds of weird things in admission and who has done everything possible to maximize their ranking, it those college news rankings. WASHU would love nothing more than to steal from a duke, or a penn, or a uchicago, or some other prestigious school, btw, which school are you planning on going to right now, im guessing you have at least some decent options being a val?

Finally, just a bit of advice, realize the odds against you in general for getting off the WL, but especially for WASHU, WASHU is known for having huge waitlists, as in 10,000+, so your odds really are small, just the nature of it. And get on this now, because when they start looking at the waitlist May 1st, your name can be one of the first they look at and consider, you need all the attention you can get for a WL.
Mar 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "It started with a soccer ball" Tufts Optional Essay [3]

Ah, the last second essay, know this experience quite well from just a couple months ago, didnt work to well for me:)

But anyway, take a closer look at the prompt where the questions come in "Did you find the courage to create a better opportunity for yourself or others? Were you able to find the voice to stand up for something you passionately supported? How did you persevere when the odds were against you?"

Now, the most important part of this prompt is the last question, how? and let me ask you, how exactly do you show the how? You list it, you mention it, and you try to reflect on it, but theres not enough self reflection. Here, take a look at what you wrote

" I would play in the backyard, alone. I lacked the energy, but my love for soccer was too much for me to stop now. With some colorful borders, photos and catchy words, I posted posters all over my school to seek girls who were interested in soccer. Every day, I would approach girls with a signup sheet, which continued to fill up. A week later, although our jerseys didn't match, we walked together as a team towards the field. It was the beginning of the girls' soccer team."

-So basically youve given a narrative of what youve done which could be found elsewhere in the application, not much here in terms of introspection. Now, here's where you try to do some of that introspection

"It has been years since that day, and I hear that the girls' soccer team won the inter-school championships last year. Although now I don't play soccer as often, the lessons gained from the experience has never left me. My passion was there for a reason, to continue to motivate me even when the situation seemed impossible. Such philosophy has made me determined to create my own opportunities, as the limits that I have are the one I set on myself. I hope to achieve in encouraging others to challenge themselves by example."

- This is all just jargon, its all language, and its all vague, it doesnt convey much, this isnt self reflection, this is just saying you passion motivates you, the whole point of the essay is to show HOW it motivates you. You gotta have the self reflecting part in a college essay, thats the most important part. And the last two lines are really cliched, there are going to be countless essays that end like this.

I think you try to do too much w/ the prompt here, i dont know what the word limit here is, but assuming you are right around the limit, too much of this essay is spent on your initial passion towards soccer, and while its important to get this across early, theres too much unecessary commentary. You could have definitely shortened that significantly and then gotten to the reflective part and showed HOW YOU CHANGED. Without showing how you changed, what does this really convey to an adcom? That you like soccer? Theyll know that through the rest of your app and liking soccer just by itself isnt getting you into tufts. You could have started with the change right from the start and through that showed the passion you had for soccer and your earlier playing career. You didnt need to directly make into two parts.

But anyway, sorry for the brutal response, this wont hurt you and you didnt commit any fatal errors which is what often happens w/ last second essays, i just felt like you could have done alot more w/ this, but you were rushed, i wouldnt really worry about it. Good luck:)
Feb 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Letter of Appeal to University of Florida (I was not approved) [3]

your in a tough spot, appeals almost never work, but i'd get some advice from your counselor or someboy who know your grades and sats, if thats an issue(which im assuming it is), have the counselor write a letter giving an explanaton about this, when you try to come up with reasons, colleges arent likely to buy them and just think your likely just coming up with bad excuses. This letter that you write should be about you and what you contribute to the campus, dont make this an argment jutifying your gpa and sats, show them something unique you can bring, as always be specific, tell a story, do something that catches their attention, and as a side note, frankly if your sats are barely above average and you have a b+ average, for a school like florida which is one of the more competitive public schools out there, being out of state(which im guessing you are), you cant be surprised by this, in fact, that likely puts you below florida's average stats, and if your below average, you really dont deserve to get in based off your numbers(which are what public school admissions are all about), so focus on something else that makes you deserving.
Feb 28, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Think, understand, integrate, and prove' - University: Why Chicago [5]

your trying to sound impressive with all these quotes, i would cut them out, they just come across as over the top, dont sound true to your natural voice, and really this whole idea about questioning what is education isnt a particuarly good college essay topic, even for a place like UChicago. The whole problem with your essay is if your quote at the beginning doesnt captivate the readers attention in the beginning, this essay really doesnt catch the readers attention or resonate which is what happened to me. But just in general as the essay progresses, it just seems bland and doesnt really say much of anything significant, its all so vague, i know you try to target this to uchicago, but in reality this essay could be used for alot of schools, you dont metnion anything specific about uchicago, just its seriousness, attitude towards learning(which i said before is a touch subject), and that it presents lots of opportunities, but you dont go into much depth about these opportunities. You make the common mistake of trying to do too much, you want to list a plethora of things about the school that will make it sound like its a good fit for you from the sheer volume of things that you like, but in reality this is one of the biggest errors, stick with one or two things, develop one or two ideas, maybe the seriousness and approach to education(provide specifics, departments, specific internship,s professors, anecdotes, experiences, classes etc) and something else you might like, it seems like you really like chicago's opportunities presented, describe them, list some of them, make this more personalized.
Feb 22, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice - Why xxx school of study (interested in science) [10]

You definitely dont need to give reasons for applying to rice if you go by the prompt, but my advice for these essays for these top notch schools is that you SHOULD. You have to show some form of legit interest to get into a top notch school in alot of cases for transferring, because if a school is going to offer one of its few transfer spots, it damn well better be for someone whos going to take it in their mind. Thats always been my opinion, I always feel like you can combine the two but anyway as for what you have...

Yes, this is better, I like the idea you get across in the intro, but i think you could use stronger langauge, awe and surreal are a little overdone but thats not the big thing, more importantly, your description doesnt have much life to it, it doesnt really sound interesting, its hard to describe, but if you read the best essays on this website, i think you'll know what i mean. But take a look at this in the center of your essay "Having completed various science classes in high school and college, I have not only gained an extraordinary wealth of factual knowledge, but also enjoyed the intellectual challenge of having to use facts and judgments to resolve problems, especially in organic chemistry lab where we learned to determine the identity of unknown compounds using a variety of methods. Through my hospital volunteer and EMT training experience, I had the privilege to witness humanity at its best, realized that medicine cannot only save lives, but change lives" I know you had a question about the prompt earlier so im not going to overdo my point here, but this doesnt really answer why your applying and in reality the gaining of facutal knowledge, intellectual cahllenge of using knowledge to solve problems, thats all just soooooooo trite and overdone. You lose the authenticness, impact, image and uniqueness that your essay had in the beginning, and part of it is to me is you might be forcing this image because me and others have said your intro is weak. It doesnt seem like you naturally writing this, but for a short essay i think you can get away w/ that, espec when you seem to have a tendency to fall into these cliche type descriptions and introspection, again, images, something specific, i know in a way there has to be a point you backoff your specific claim, but that doesnt mean you fall into the cliche topics endless science students will. Maybe talk about how you can change lives, but again, watch out, thats another topic very easy to run into a cliche analysis with, i suggest it to you as another possiblity because this intellectual depth thing doesnt seem to be working. Also, i think your fond of your conclusion, but its way too abrput, doesnt flow naturally with the essay, seems forced again, what does the now have to do w/ what you wrote before? Its also might be a sentence fragment(get a grammar expert, i know there have to be some on this site to check it out) but i think your going to have to edit it, although i still think you want to keep some authenticity here, in a short essay, the concluding sentence is invaluable, we talk about images alot, but thats the last image your getting across and it better be pretty good if you want to distinguish yourself w/ the essay.

Anyway, good luck, this is better than before, but you've only really edited half of it in my mind significantly and that half still needs more as i said before and then look into the second half.
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice - Why xxx school of study (interested in science) [10]

mmm, you dont need the intro sentence, its a common error, in reality this is just a waste of space. but anyway, your just narrating for the first few lines, no, you got create an image, start with something more profound, a specific moment in your lab that really captivated you. I know this is a short essay, but through that moment you can describe your interests in the dynamic subject. There are lots of good images you can think of when researching pig's hearts. Also, this is just a general admissions note, if possible, you want to avoid saying you worked w/ your father, often times this just looks like the silver spoon method, aka you just had everything given to you, you didnt have much initiative. I know this is controversial, but i think if possible(look at hte rest of your app first), but if possible take that part out. Its a little subtle thing that could rub an adcome the wrong way.

Anyway, the reason i emphasize the strong introducing image is because otherwise this essay just reeks of clicheness, another med student whos main goal is to help others puts adcoms to sleep and the whole intellectual challenge idea is just vague jargon, show it through that pig ex or whatever else you might have, that image you convey, you dont need to go two lines talking about it. Also, if possible talk about something specific in this rice academic field, maybe there department is particuarly strong w/ pig research, i dont know, think of something. Pig research is a really interesting topic, use it and its specifics to guide you through your essay. Good luck:)
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Rice, excellent pre-med program (Transfer Essay) [12]

this sounds solid, dont worry about the 216 words, but for 200 words, i think this is fine, i agree with Quidong, you can still make your intro can be stronger( maybe talk a little about how you withdrew your app and what made you change, this change is really really important, otherwise it just looks like your applying because of the school name), and then that gives you something to work on. With these transfer essays, and the odds so stacked against you, you gotta create a profound image in your essay or something that can stand out. Again, this is solid, but still a little on the safe side, which unless you have top qualificiations, isnt a good thing, if you have time, i would do as much as possible in 200 words to focus on your change, and if you cant make sure your common app essay or any other essay you use shows your change and how you embrace opportunities and such. But this isnt bad, if you dont have much more time to totally revamp this,its fine. Good luck:)
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Rice, excellent pre-med program (Transfer Essay) [12]

well you do a solid job giving specifics, you dont give the general vague stuff that most pre med kids do in their essay, so thats a good sign.

Couple things, in the first para I dont really like the "I also will be able to learn to use my knowledge to resolve real world problems through the abundant research opportunities". It would be a good idea to describe research opportunities(if there through the places such as the medical center you cite, say so and be specific, what aspect), and the "Having grown up in a big city and lived in three countries, I also find the diverse student body and location of Rice extremely appealing" is something you want to elaborate more on, right now its just another one of those cliche, vague statemetns about diversity, i dont know if you have enough room, but if your going to keep this in, you need more than just this sentence on diversity.

Your conclusions a little, meeh, nothing more than average and part of the problem is your intro is also just a general, boring statement, if you can tie how you have changed in the beginning to how you change in the end(hard to do w/ such little space but thats why i would take out one or two ideas in your first para), you'll have something stronger, more impactful and something adcoms can actually remember. Not bad overall, but this is a pretty safe essay, nothing special about it, i dont know about how qualified you are, but considering how hard transferring is, thats not a particuarly good thing. But ultimately you cant change the way you write otherwise if you try sounding too creative, you just sound fake if its not your natural voice, but anyway, just some thoughts to consider, you would benefit tremendously from giving a specific ex in limited space to show how you were initally overwhelmed two yrs ago. Good luck:)
Feb 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Brown University offers so much more than quality education" [6]

The first two lines are the exact opposite of what you want to do in a why this college essay, don't talk about how great the school is in terms of reputation(they know how great they are they dont need you telling them!) and dont just start w/ your personal desires and saying how a degree will be "beneficial" to your future. When you start vague and cliche like this, it sets up the rest of the essay to be just that. And thats exactly what happens, "motivated by existing policies", :find it very appealing", "explore different discpilines varying my knowledge", "I believe Brown offers a quality education", "values diversity and eliminates any superiority in belief of values", "melting pot of ideas", basically I've just gone through every line in your essay and seen that theyre all the same extremely vague, overused phrases and ideas that brown will read a million times. Theres not one insightful, profound, or even in the slightest way thought provoking or interesting idea here. Part of hte problem is your trying to do too much, dont list everything you like about the school, go in depth and provide examples, provide something conspicous, provide an anecdote, provide anything that can attract a readers interest. Because right now this is like one of those brochures colleges send out about themselves. Ask yourself why you're really applying to brown? Because it just looks like you've used this essay for like ten other schools, do you really know anything about brown, do you really know about what diversity means and represents, do you really know about those existing policies you mention, do you really know what exploring different disciplines means? I'm not suggesting you do or don't, but thats what you gotta consider and pick one or two of those ideas and run with them, remember you don't have alot of space and usually what people do is try to fill it up w/ fluff like this because they dont know what else to write since theres not alot of room. And thats the worst thing you could do.
Feb 14, 2010
Student Talk / Anyone who has had a Harvard interview has some suggestions/pointers? Yale. [15]

linmark actually made a great suggestion, i never thought about it, but why not? Why not give your interviewer stuff about you ahead of time to speed up the process, to allow them to know more about you, and then go into more in depth stuff in the interview? Alumni interviews usually dont mean anything from an admissions stand point because most are all the same, just good, general stuff, but if you give stuff to them before hand, they know more about you, they can have a greater impression on you, and then they can write a GREAT evaluation of you which actually could make a difference. Wish I had thought of that, I'm done w/ my college interviews for this year, had my last one at brown today(although I didnt have one for most schools, either they randomnly assigned or they didnt have enough room).
Feb 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "Highlighting the strengths and weaknesses" Commonapp essay..What do you think? [6]

well above all else this will catch the eyes of the adcom, which is what you want, the essay doesnt have to be great, the best essays arent always the ones that make the biggest difference in admissions, its the most profound ones, sometimes controversy, good or bad, is the best thing. I have no idea what kind of schools your applying to, but for ivies, that alone is the best thing to have.

Now, as for that essay, here is the problem, every single word you use is cliched, honest, curious, creative, that like, it is technically a vocab issue, but that doesnt mean you start throwing words like grandiloquent or whatevers on your sat vocab list around, you have to come up w/ profound, impactful, words, the type that make a difference, they dont have to all make you look great, but they have to combine to create a powerful image, easier said than done of course, but thats the challenge you have when you use this kind of format.

Never, ever directly put in an essay this is how i'm going to contribute to a college, its fake, at best colleges will ignore it, but in many cases they'll just think you dont have anything to contribute and are forcing this. And this is the problem w/ the rest of the essay, its just too fake, while the thought was creative, this is just so forced and really it just follows into the cliches i told you about the words. Bright side of life, live her life, follow her heart....and so on and so on, just makes an adcom yawn, again, its just soo overdone and over used, exactly what a cliche is. And your essay is filled with this top to bottom, so that really just negates the whole creativity formatting part of your essay.

Now theres one really really bad thing that you put in your essay that you never want adcoms to think about you, "effortless life", "She sees everything to simply", that sort of thing, i can gurantee you whatever adcom has already read/ will read this essay will have huge red flags triggered in their head, thats a huge no no. Never ever show these sides of you, you are hurt by being too honest in your essay and showing your negative aspects.

Also, in general i dont get this college magazine idea, just confuses me, maybe because its the formatting of this, but if thats one of your main points about what you will contribute, that def. is something you want to fix up.

So all in all, sorry for the bad news, as I said this will catch there attention, but I dont know whatelse it will do, just seems to cliched and smells of contrivance, but whatever, thats just one mans view, good luck:)
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

Is the Carleton deadline still not over, or is this for transfer applications?

Anyway, let me just give you a rundown of some thoughts
1) I obviously havent read the rest of your application, but unless physics is your major, the idea of testing electrons for observations seemed kinda random, out there, dont really know where it came from. The finding the unknowns of science is always vague and over done, now if you talk about electrons something specific about them and maybe say a little something about their unknown properties, that would sound much stronger in limited space, espec since this doesnt have to relate to your major

2) For your future plan/dream, your first sentence is entirely unecessary. Again, I say this every time I'm on here, but specifics, if you can quickly cite a particular experience that made you want to teach, that would again, be much more memorable and resonate much more in an adcoms mind than your insatiable desires and that form of repeated jargon

3) I dont know really what to say about the why carleton, yeah a million people are going to say because of the freedom there, and i generally dont like using that as a main idea because of how overdone it is, but then again you only have 300 characters, sorry dont know what to say, just spend a little more time thinking about it

4) Again, you take too long to answer the question in the last one for books. Its easy to say powerful emotion, but if you take a quote from the book to start the essay or give a glimpse into the specifics of your mind in the beginning of the essay, that would really show powerful emotions. That can shape the rest of your essay and give it great power and focus, and I think 500 characters is enough to do it in. When you write about books, thats the one time where starting w/ a quote can be a great idea.

In general my advice is the same as it often is, make it personal, make it specific w/ focus on tru nunances and you can through that create the powerful images which these short answers rely on. Good luck:)
Feb 8, 2010
Undergraduate / Brown supplemental essay, that "perfect" one. [4]

Isn't there a 1000 character limit to this? When I applied last month there was, I wish it were this long because I talked about much of what you did only I had to condense it significantly and couldnt get across a lot of the ideas and details i wanted to.

Anyway, this isnt bad at all, but I say this alot w/ these why this school essays on here, you're falling into the vague generalizations in the second half of the essay. The amnesty chapter and mali health organizing project are good, but frankly much of this is all vague stuff that thousands of applicants fill their essays with. You talk about the campuses beauty in the beginning, you'd be much better off mentioning one or two specific things like the brown library or book store or some park or thayer street or something like that. And this diversity student ideas is waaaaay overdone, unless you have a specific ex and can show how diversity will affect rather than tell, prob just a better idea to avoid it in general. And like the above poster said, the losing faith idea was probably pushing it. Just think for a second how many kids who apply are going to say brown kids are diverse, open minded, enthusiastic multifaceted and that like? Sooooooo many.

And since I dont like the vague ideas you use to describe the students, i def dont like how you set it all up to that one major point. I think the its not just this about the school idea you repeat gets kind of old and since none of these points really are specific, it really weakens the idea.

obviously this is waaaaaaay to late to be using any of the edits on this website, but good luck:)
Feb 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "to improve my relationship with my father" - Help with Practice personal essay [3]

Practice essay? Are you a junior right now? Wow, and I thought I started my common app essay early by doing it in October:)

anyway you take too long to tell the story in the beginning, and i know what your trying to do in the beginning, but it has absolutely nothing to do w/ the rest of the essay, just kinda seems like a forced intro and an espec forced conclusion. Why is this food so significant? Seems really choppy. And as for your last para, just completely cut it, thats even more forced and confusing, improving a relationship w/ your father playing golf? What? That's not the theme of your essay at all, how is helping kids and trying to relate to your father similar? Sure you might be trying to change your mindset and be more open and help your dad also, but meh, still really forced.

Also as a technical thing, what applications? Don't kids just show up to a club? Did you make kids fill out an application? If so, say a little about it, because frankly the application thing seems to be a significant part of your essay and theres not much background or insight about it. And I guess the food idea could fall under this subject also, if it really is significant, you really gotta give more background on this? Because again, it makes absolutely nosense to me.

But the biggest thing here is this isn't reflective at all, this is purely a narrative, you tell one event, then the next, then do a little of cliched analysis of how this changed you. Your just reciting a story, barely showing any of your personality and how you think and your mindset. And as for the cliched ending, the "thank you" idea which is the big thing you gained, is really really cliched, really? Think of something much deeper than that, show our satisfaction w/ a far more in depth idea. I think you might try w/ the food idea, but again, i dont get how all those ideas of the aromas in the cafeteria relate to anything. So while we can tell this prob had a impact on you, the essay itself, doesnt leave much to any impact on the reader, its just a reciting of a story.

One last thing, your writing style is meh, I'm not a big fan of it. It's like your just directly trying to answer the question, trying to force every sentence to relate to the idea of how you were impacted. No! Use all the sentences and combine them to tell one big story, i know really old, cliched idea, but thats what an essay is. Its the type of things like in your quote at the beginning, theres no need to mention you saying "Why", I know its really small but it really disrupts the flow of the essay. There are lots of ex here I wont go into since I've already given you a novel worth of analysis to read:) But in general, there needs to be a flow to this essay, there needs to be organization, and you gotta come across w/ a greater idea than oh the "thank you" was all I was looking for. Good luck, sorry for this brutal critique, you have a lot of time if you're a junior, ivies are brutal, admisison is all a game of luck really, so keep your options open, dont be one of those idiots w/ a closed mind who applies to all eight ivies
Feb 4, 2010
Undergraduate / UM setback essay- my failed experiment. [7]

good writing, good job on the first half of the essay, but while this is good and much better than most of the essays on here, in the last concluding para theres only one really interesting sentence, "It was from this clear awareness of what to achieve, and the resolute incentive to bring forth beneficial ends, that scientific work, discovery or synthesis alike, commenced", otherwise, this starts to become like the cliche science college essay about how the lab changed the way i thought, how failure reignited me, how science is a struggle and long term process, that like, really just repeated ideas that everybody mentions in their essay. When you have a cliche ending like this, an adcom has a harder time really remembering this, being impacted by this, and subsequently, having this essay help your admission chances. There are good descriptions, the first para is not cliche, its a unique perspective and great job of describing what you feel and what you want, and the idea i quoted is also a unique, stand out type of idea that can really resonate in an adcoms mind after reading so many of the same kind of essays, if you can focus your conclusion around that, while keeping that unique voice found so eloquently in the frist para, with this idea of both discovery and synthesis, you'll only make this stronger. Good luck:)
Feb 3, 2010
Undergraduate / "hard work and honesty" - My fascination with cornell, transfer essay [10]

you give a million and one descriptions of why cornell is such a great school, not one of them is specific, not one of them makes it look like you actually did reserach on the school( not saying you didnt no disrespect intended but there is nothing specific, you could honestly just used this for any other school). Give a specific department, give a specific program or club, give a specific experience you have had at cornell, if your going to use the academic environment and campus life, be specific, show through a club, organization etc how this is good. its generally not a good idea to talk about the environment unless you visited and can cite an ex. because it will just sound like what everone else says. Statements like cornell believes the human mind is unfettered, student cented approach it employs in imparting knowledge, interdisciplinary approach, uniqueness of cornell, sound good on paper, but unless you show and dont tell, these just become empty statements. Sorry to be harsh, its just that transferring is always so hard and the transfer essay can be the most powerful thing in your favor to help you get accpeted, but while you can write, this is all vague in my mind. I'm sure you have ex. and can show this, and it might seem like only minor corrections to the essay to add them, but theyll make a HUGE DIFFERENCE. good luck:)
Feb 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Lehigh University Admissions Officer letter ("I anxiously wait for my decision") [4]

while this is diff than an essay, im going to give you the same sort of advice i repeat over and over here, why dont you do something different changes things up. I repeat this sooooo many times on here, but it always seems to apply. Have you seen the U Chicago essay that was released, it was a in a letter form( I Know that was an admission essay and this is diff but still read it if you didnt), granted, dont write anywhere near like that, but it should still give you an idea, you have to do things diff. Im sure your a good kid, but theres a reason you got deferred in the first place, you werent as good as others in their mind frankly and something wasnt right, the reason most of these letters of continued interest usually dont amount to anything is there all the same, trying to be polite, yet show passion for the school, emphasizing both at the same time. You cant do that, yes you dont want to be rude, but dont be stiff, really give something specific about you and the school, theres too much fluff here that they probably hear a million times, really tell some kind of story here, i know this isnt an essay, but this is your last real chance to make an impression, and while this letter is well written, it doesnt make any kind of impression. Its just like all the letters lehigh will get, not bad but not much to enhance your application, why not take a chance, do something diff, start your letter with a story about you and lehigh, something theyll remember and really seems passionate, after all, even though kids get accepted after being deferred, its only like 10%, so why not do something diff, what do you have to lose? Good luck, hope it works out for you:)

ps this is just my opinion, you probably wont agree w/ it, but if you really want to get off a deferred pile, you need to do something to enhance your application, i dont think, even though this is a good, nice written letter, this will do it. Others will prob try editing your letter, but really just think for a sec how is this any diff than the thousands of letters lehigh will get from others who were deferred?
Feb 1, 2010
Undergraduate / human personality, law - University of Chicago essay [6]

it answers it, but i think it does so too directly meaning, its like a math question, heres the question, and heres the actual answer, your trying to give too simplisitic, too superficial of an answer here. What your saying is right, but theres so much more to the argument than what your saying and thats the risk w/ these types of college essays, the person reading it may know much more about the topic than you and might just hate some of your ideas or think theyre too basic and immature. Thats why i dont know if talking seriously about thsi type of issue without relating it to yourself was the best idea, your making this essay more and more objective and less subjective to the point where an adcom can say this essay is just wrong, its incorrect, if they really dont agree w/ what your saying, cant do that with an essay about your personality or whats important to you or what not. U chicagos the type of school that loves quirkiness, uniqueness, individuality, kids who show their nerdy side, and as to your point about turning in other essays, this is the extended essay prompt, this is the big one, this is the one you really have to do well on to get in, this would have been the essay to show those personality quriks u chicago loves. Maybe the why u chicago essay is the one to get more serious on, but this extended essay, mmmmm, i dont know, maybe this works out for you, lots of things they think about in their decision, but i just might have thought about doing things a little diff, no hard feelings though, just trying to be honest, good luck man:)
Feb 1, 2010
Undergraduate / UC Berkeley graduate admission essay - Achievement [5]

whats the word limit because you really seem to try to rush things in the second half of the essay. First the idea of how you were lucky to survive was quick, one minute its about your adventure and how it wasnt in your favor then all of a sudden you get away from that and just jump to how you survived. And also, in the process i think your ending is kinda cliche, no longer fearing the unknown, fear of failure is greater than failure itself, these really are, hate to say it, but pretty cliched overused kinda themes, and admisisons people really dont want that, it just seems like the easy way out for an essay about a life altering adventure like this and how you remember that experience every time you swim, i dont even know if you need such a clear cut moral in your story, more just keep going in your narrative a little more then in conclusion, maybe a one or two line ending that sums up what you learned and how it will affect you in the future, but get creative here, dont think moral or a sweeping life long lesson, that sort of thing, this is really what the key of your essay is, how you wrap things up and tie it all together to a greater theme of you now and in the future. Good luck w/ the grad school admissions, dont know anything about them myself:)
Feb 1, 2010
Undergraduate / My view on diversity...DePauw supplement... [10]

wow i just read over my response and sorry it really does sound stupid just repeating the same thing over and over again, it's just that i feel like repeate everytime i comment on a college essay someone asks me to read i say show dont tell and alot of these prompts like ones for diversity call for showing espec. Anyway, your a solid writer, if you couldnt really understand what i was saying amongst that mess i posted before basically i just think this would be a lot better if you focused your diversity theme on one specific event from the very start, start with a glimpse into an event and rather than spending so much time giving the readers the background of the situation and how it changed you and how it made you show diversity, just develop one story, however, or whatever you have to allow that to happen. Good luck:)
Feb 1, 2010
Undergraduate / becoming a thriving businessman - Emory Supplement Short Answer [9]

307 should be ok, might raise an eyebrow and in general not a good idea to break the word count, but no, no college would ever reject somebody just because they went 57 words over the limit:)

Anyway, first two sentences, just cut it into one concise one, i wanted to be a businessmen, along those lines, creates a much better, stronger picture. And that whole narrative thing about Emory in the first para and how you found it was right for you, cut it out, it doesnt add anything to your essay and really it just looks kinda fake and forced. But the big thing here is your reasons for emory dont really do much to impress an adcom, your basically just saying i looked at your website and some of your programs which the school itself tries to advertise in the best possible way, and say, oh hey, i like this school, fits me. Don't know if thats what you actually did, but from the essay thats the impression i get and thats not at all what you want adcoms thinking. Also, what you mention is vague, really vague, nothing specific at all to emory, and that goes not just in describing their businesses but also why you want to go there, you could have cut and coppied this exact same thing for U Chicago or another school frankly.

Also, just a general thing i picked up on, write more naturally, its like your trying to just directly answer the prompt you would like a math question, just take a look at the first sentence in each of your paras and how you transition in general to see what i mean, just relax, dont make it seem so forced, take a look at other essays on this site to see what i mean as to just write w/o making it seem like your forcibly answering the prompt. Show a passion. Sorry to be so harsh, i really look like a jerk saying all this, hopefully you didnt take offense to this stuff, i'm sure your smart and have reasons for going to emory, you just need to show them, show your passion in what you do and for the school, show more of your personality, and most importantly, dont write these forced, awkward sentences to try to directly answer the prompt on why you want to go to emory. dont worry about this one essay, you'll be fine and you turned it in im guessing a couple wks ago, so its all good, just chill and enjoy the rest of your senior yr and then wait two months to see what happens:) Good luck
Jan 30, 2010
Undergraduate / human personality, law - University of Chicago essay [6]

i dont know if i would have put the i think therefore i am, really has become a cliche to the point where i dont think it gets the reader thinking at all like it should. I have to go, so I'll give the quick rundown WHERES YOUR PERSONALITY IN THIS ESSAY? This sounds like a college, thesis, a grad paper, a research paper, not a college essay! It's like your analyzing something, not telling a story, you gotta tell that story, this shows very limited glimpses of your personality, a major no no for a college essay. All this essay seems circular, just seems to harper at the same point, return to the same ideas, never really adds, and when you say in my opinion, that just highlights my point, most of your essay isnt about you, its about the issue, and you just highlight how circular your argument is when you say in my opinion, i think, if that makes any sense. Sorry, didnt have a full chance to give a whole run down, you obviously know your stuff and your prob pretty smart, this just seems way to formal, like your trying to impress, and doesnt show anything about you. Sorry, essays mean a lot less than most people say they do so dont freak out:) Good luck!
Jan 30, 2010
Undergraduate / My view on diversity...DePauw supplement... [10]

whats the word limit first off? I ask that because you just make too quick a transition between your experiences and belonging to a village and theres not really enough in the essay or in your explanation to support your ideas. I know you talk about hte language as ex, but i stilll feel reading this essay that diversity, mutual love and respect are just too sweeping of ideas.

Heres what i would do regardless of the word count(im assuming this essay isnt much over it), provide more for the transition, dont describe it as much as give those ex. to show it, language is good but you need more and dont try as much to show how there is a transition, give more of a specificly powerful ex of how you were immersed in this new culture because thats whats going to leave an impression on the reader, not a description of what happened to you. And because of that, the last two paras dont add anything, maybe that quote in the end coudl stay, actually it might very well add something to your essay if you put it in the right context earlier, that would be one of those ex of showing the immersion of culture, but just leave the reader w/ the idea of this culture, not how it immersed you, again, show that, dont describe it. And I'm still kinda confused about the intro, i read it over four or five times and im still really just guessing what it means, maybe thats just me, but i dont see a natural transition from it, just seems kinda out there, know what i mean?

Good luck:)
Jan 30, 2010
Undergraduate / U of M- "New Zealand on the International Scene," respect for diversity [4]

you dont need the last part of the sentence saying what exactly you plan to do to the campus, show diversity, dont say specifically what you'll bring, because that's kind of putting a limit on diversity, know what i mean?

I also feel like your intro, the image your trying to portray, and your definitely trying to portray a strong image but...., I think it could be a little stronger. Phrases like "I thought I had a lot to contribute", "All our teams members", and "So it was easy to anticipate", there are much more direct, captivating ways of saying these things and through that you'll create a MUCH stronger vivid, kind of image in the readers mind. This extends for the rest of the essay "For instance", "I was able", "there were also", "yet they also added", "Through this experience", these are just some ex. but there are much stronger ways of starting sentences, being concise and portraying a stronger, more vivid idea and concept than what you do. That'll also help with the word count.

As for the content, you seem to list ideas and then say, these ideas show vitality and diversity, dont do that, establish diveristy and vitalites theme in the beginning of hte essay, same something specific about each of these ideas where diversity and vitality can be SHOWN not described, and that'll make your essay stronger. I would also try making the idea of proposing new solutions a bigger theme of your essay, thats really something unique and thats the type of idea that shows all the stuff you talk about more than anything else.

Good luck, interesting topic, not a bad start:)
Jan 20, 2010
Undergraduate / UChicago "In chinese, crisis is composed of two characters, danger/opportunity" [9]

this is probably late, but from your intro and conclusion, you do not grab the readers attention at all, the first couple of lines are very generic, stereotypical, the type of stuff that puts adcoms to sleep. And your conclusion just states more generic obvious things that are characteristics of boring college essays. Now, im not saying overall as a whole your essay is necessairly boring, but w/ adcoms, if you dont grab their attention early, you might never, their prone to just start skimming and they'll never then appreciate this essay.

But heres the bigger problem, you tell, but you dont show, you say you've changed, but you show next to nothing. You spend waaaaaaaaay too much time talking about adversity and its general effects, dont tell tehse, adcoms know most of this, show it, show how you changed, dont spend so long talking about adversity can be changing and how its necessary. Tell the story, this shows nothing about you, this just seems more rambling about adversity, mentioning adversity means nothing, adversities only true impact is when it is shown. And dont give vague random examples like those of thomas edison, tell the story through you. Thats probably your biggest drawback, if you just jumped right into your story instead of such a mundane intro that doesnt say much of anything significant that the adcom doesnt already know, and then tell the story and allow the story to do the analysis for you so to say, you would be in much better shape.

Sorry to be so harsh. You probably have an interesting story to tell, and you have a solid sense of diction and writing form(although some of your lines were a bit heavy, they could have been expressed simpler), but you just gotta not try so hard to impress which it seems like your doing, let the story do the talking.

Good luck
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / What can you contribute to our school (but I have nothing to contribute)? [5]

look into the culture of the place your applying to, thats the key for alot of these contribution essays, if you understand the culture of hte place and show that, then it also allows you to be more specific. You dont need any national awards or any top test scores or anything like that to be a contributor, what do you think is your greatest personality trait? And if you insist you have no good ones, what is the least medicore? Build off that, tell a story, give an anecdote, a casual one, if you dont have confidence in your accomplishments, just go back to your personality and look for stories in your life that could catch their attention, humorous, serious whatever, and through portraying these stories you can bring out your characterstics, and through the writing you can show that you do have something to contribute through your wittiness or vivacity or whatever comes through in your writing. Accomplishments arent the end all at all for these essays, you can even write one about how you sit on your couch and do nothing, as long as you can relate it to the culture of where your applying to. Hope that makes any sense, good luck
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC - 500 Word Supplement - The Banana Boat [3]

first off sorry, for the late response, i just finished turning my application in, i know my essay was rough, so i really wanted to finish it up w/o distractions for a little while. I did further even change it a little from the suggestions you gave me, but i didnt get a chance to see your new corrections until just now so your new concerns werent fixed in the essay i sent. But anyway, sorry for the late response, hope you still have time to read my response.

Anyway, for the essay, this prompt you answer is a risky one, i personally dont like the prompt because it invites answers that the adcoms dont really know what to do with. So what that you tried something you couldnt do, doesnt really tell much about you and what your good at which si whats gonna get you into college? Know what i mean? So i'll start by saying you take a risk, when i read this essay, to be honest, i didnt know what to make of it, you cant dance, soo...? Know what im getting at? Doesnt really show that much about you, in general, its always better to emphasize who you are and what your good at, not what your not. But thats just an idea for future reference, i just wanted to warn you that this is kind of risky way of doing things.

Anyway, the essay, dont get me wrong, its not bad by any stretch, but i read your other ones and like my football one, this just seems to be lacking that zazz, that extra element if you know what i mean that leaps off the page that your essays had in the past. You tell the story, but it doesnt get as deep as it could, i know theres a word limit, but.... One thing if you havent submitted this taht could help you is that you focus on a specific scene in the homecoming to start your essay off with, and show how awkward this was for a black girl, and how your surroundings really reacted, like if they moved away from you, laughed at you, dropped their soda, etc. Exaggerate if you have to a little, the key to your essays is really making it seem like you not being able to dance and what you did at the dance was awkward and had a weird effect on people. If you start that sooner, really show the awkwardness, then the emphasis you put on black people not being able to dance can be seen and it doesnt have to be emphasized from the start and have to be a forced theme in your essay. Dont know if that makes any sense.

Also, you dont need the last para, i know what your trying to do, but your making too general off claims, that both what your bad at and what your good at comprise you equally, thats a little sweeping of a generalization and you dont say anything about what your good at so i dont know, i just dont think that should be in there. Also, you take hte easy way out in your conclusion, stating the good and bad are what comprise you, if you want a conclusion, then i would talk more about the freeness, creativity, and boldness and how you've used that to develop into who you are for events that happened after this and for the future. How has this event affected you today? If you could make that more specific rather than just the broad ideas in the last para, you'll strengthen your essay tremendously.

Again, i dont want to be harsh and dont panic, your essay should be fine the way it it is, its an interesting topic, but as i said theres always some risk when you talk about what your not good at because theres no real defined or specific way an adcoms suppose to interpret it and you risk them just not really being influenced by it or thinking much of it. But this is solid, you should be fine if you just turn this in as it is, w/ only 1 hr. 30 min left, i dont think you have enough time to really revamp things. btw, since we basically applied to teh same schools, let me know if its possible wehre you got in when you find out by end of march(dont worry about me im not getting in anywhere), i would kinda intersted considering we spent a bunch of time reading each others essays, if its possible, i dont know how it would happen, but whatever, good luck, thanks alot.
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC Essay The Team That Drives Fantasy Football [7]

thanks alot, yeah i know this isnt my greatest writing, but heres the problem, i only have one other short essay to choose from and its basically the same theme as my longer essay. All the other essays I've written are over 500 words, theres no way i have time to edit them now. I liked my theme, i talked about a religious speech i gave in the other(im using my brown supplement as one of my unc essays), and i felt the combo of a more serious topic w/ this would be good. My short 150 common app essay is about a religious music idea, if i included it it would make me seem to religious, i want to show a diff side of me. Thanks for the feedback though, i actually liked this essay better than most i've written, with all due respect and i really dont mean to disparage you in anyway, but i think that maybe your lack of fantasy football knowledge might have hurt you understand this essay and subsequently not think of it nearly as highly. I'm not saying this is a great essay by any stretch and my adcom might also not know anything about fantasy football, but i think im gonna stick w/ the topic and i dont know how much i can change in the limited time i have left. My best hope is that they adcoms like this essay more than you do, i think what htey think of the topic and what they know about it says alot about how this essay will be received.

Thanks alot, though, will take a look at yours, although my advice i'll tell you arleady is dont over stress about mine either, w/ so little time left hte more you stress and try to fix things, the worse it'll probabably be. I'll try fixing in some of your critiques though and read yours asap.

Thanks alot, good luck any other comments greatly appreciated will return favor

btw, i did revise the essay a little, although i dont want to force changes too much now, feel free to take a look, although your opionion probably wont change much
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Brandeis Supplement, why brandeis? diff approach [5]

i agree w/ the above posters, this essay doesnt target brandeis, it just falls under the vague generalizations that so many why college essays do, ex., "who in their right mind would want to go to Brandeis? Brandies is a world class school that combines the feel of being at a small college with the education, resources, and faculty of a major university", this is the height of vague jargon, im not blaming you because so many people do it, but this doesnt say anything hte school doesnt already know, you dont need to complement what a great school it is, the adcoms know this, talk about how the school will impact you and your development, specifically, as in what clubs, organizations or unique academic characteristics(and be specific, not just oh its a free liberal environment). Heres another generalized claim, "Why would I want to go to a school that boats about strong academics, an exciting and extravagant student life, and a phenomenal community?" This essay as Kevin said shows very little about your development, your plan, sure hte sleds and the events are nice, but if thats the only true reason you have for wanting to go there, then gaah, thats not gonna sit too well w/ adcoms, know what I'm getting at?

The approach is also all or nothing, thats not necessairly a bad thing but realize, this is either an appraoch a tired adcom will love and think is unique and refreshing, or this is going to really iritate and annoy a tired adcom whos seen this kind of strategy done before and rather than seeing this as creative, he sees this as a ploy or some other cheap thing. So realize that your either turning on or completely turning off an adcom here, but as i said, if your gonna keep this idea, you have to develop the idea more, about you, your development, specifics about the school, for the effect of oh thats not so bad i want to go here to real come through.

sorry to be harsh, as i said, an adcom might love this espec if there in a good mood and havent seen something like this in a while, or they might hate it, but i always think this kind of aggressive attitude is best for these top colleges. Good luck
Jan 18, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC Essay The Team That Drives Fantasy Football [7]

So here is my UNC Undergrad essay, i dont have much confidence in this at all so please any harsh critiques, feedbacks, anything is greatlye appreciated. I tried to use a quirky type of topic, dont know if i had any success at all doing it. Thanks alot

Prompt: I'm using the one that allows you to create your own: Tell us about one of your favorite games and its significance

"Bounces off a tackle, spins forward, dives, did he get in... YES HE DID TOUCHDOWN WILLIS MCGAHEE!"

NOOO! Just give the ball to Ray Rice; he's the one doing all the dirty work. I need those six points from that touchdown McGahee just stole. Watch me lose by five points this week!

This is it, December: crunch time. One inopportune misfortune, perhaps a slip one yard from a touchdown, and that's all it takes to be eliminated from the fantasy football playoffs. That's the thrill of it. All that time projecting a player's performance through anticipating the variables, injuries, strength of opponent, and recent statistical trends, all hinges on one or two plays. One broken tackle can be the difference between extolling the audacious player for defying the ESPN "Fantasy Experts" and starting the unheralded waiver wire running back over the first round gem and mercilessly ridiculing him. Ultimately, five months of awkward screaming in front of a television in front of many others can all come down to that one final, longest yard. How beautiful, yet cruel!

But fantasy football is more than one defining moment; it's about the team! It's not about me, Ray Rice, Maurice Jones Drew, DeAngelo Williams or any of the players on the roster. It's about Sugar Rey, Mighty Mouse, and Double Trouble, as I call them, the teammates. That's their identity. It's the concept of team that allows me to think my Team Pretty Boyz can do the impossible and win as a 54 point underdog and fight another week.

Those other 19 who play in the NFL will never experience this team, but they are still alive and active. I communicate with them with every awkward scream to that television. It's those screams and realizations of the team that make fantasy football. That's what all the pressure and emotion is about; knowing each event carries twenty times the weight. But ultimately from that weight of 19 monsters that carry me, that impossible is nothing! I need that sense of invincibility; I need every bit of it for when I open page 417 of my physics book.
Jan 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Georgetown Main Essay: Tell the Admissions Coucil about yourself [8]

first off your closing statement has a grammar error, all of them have had doorframes are tall enough for me, there's no are, i actually dont have a problem w/ the closing statement and the message it conveys, but when you have an error like that to end your essay, it sticks out

As for the content, no this isn't a bad essay by any stretch, but this essay doesnt have much structure or focus to it. You first talk about your experiences in gynamsium and other events and how you took your mothers advice to heart, but then you talk about your experiences driving. No natural transition there. Also, your essay would have been stronger had you just started your essay w/ your moms advice, stating stuff like its not easy living being left handed, or people either ignore these peculiarities or embrace it really isnt necessary. I like the fact that you tried using details at the beginning of your essay, but they dont flow w/ the rest of the essay. theres also a blantant run on/ whatever you want to call it in the middle of the second para when you say you are an avid reader and had to earn, and since this is the type of error that when you read it aloud makes no sense, it'll stick out.

But the biggest things i can tell you if your planning to use this essay for another school since g-town's deadline passed, is that 1. your strectching this idea of left handed and tall to everything else too much, its bordering extreme/ hyperbole esque type. I sitll dont get how height gets you to push your boundaries and interests, i looked at least 5-6 times over and i'm still only guessing. This gets back to the focus issue, too many ideas just scattered around here, whats the theme? About overcoming your pecularities? That you can adapt? Well if it is, you dont develop the idea enough, you would have been better off going into detail about a specific situation in gymnastics. It doesn't really show how your pecularities changed you, it just tells.

second thing, while i think you try showing this more w/ your drivers test, again, your concluding statement in this para completely stretches and makes conclusions that your para doesnt really suggest or support. How does this experience make you realize you dont necessairly see things wrong or theres a solution to every problem? Makes no sense to me. But furthermore, whats the relevance of this drivers idea? I'll rehash my earlier point, how does it connect w/ your essay, what have you overcome in this? You just state the problem.

And finally, what exciting possibilites have you been opened up to in your conclusion?

I dont want to be harsh, this is a fairly unique topic, one that could attract the attention of adcoms, and sorry for this unorganized feedback myself:) But two things to take away, focus and purpose, tell a single story through your pecularities, and secondly, show how you've overcome, dont just keep stating problems

Good luck
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC Essay - Expressing My Inner World [6]

well, this is definitely good, and i usually dont just throw out complements, so you really did do a solid job.

However, i dont get the passion idea, your talking about body parts and how you feel, but to say passion builds w/ each second is a bit of a stretch it seems, and you could do w/o the knots in the stomach, for an essay w/ such an authentic voice, you dont need what is a pretty cliche description.

One other thing, the conclusion, meeeh, its def. not bad but i feel like its a step down from the rest of the essay, the easy thing to do would be too end w/ reflecting on the audience and saying that each performance is more and more inspiring, im not saying you have to change this, but you have time and this is a relatively short essay, see if you can come up w/ somethimg more provocative and less predictable, because frankly, i could see the ending coming.

Still dont take this as critcism, more just ways of improving because this is pretty good stuff, you tell the story from the first sentence on, use legitamate, interesting detail and dont really force anything w/ the exception of maybe the things i already mentioned.

Good luck
Could you take a look at my UNC essay when I finish it
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / 'memorabilia items' - Why is the University of Chicago a good match for me? [8]

heres the problem you talk about in your intro the u. is willing to accept new ideas, but what actual direct experience do you have w/ this? You do what so many others who write these why this college essay do, name drop, meaning you give complements about the school but you have very little if anything substantial to back it up(and it reallly is hard to back it up unless you have spent substantial time on campus and/or know about the school)

The crazier idea is something i think your essay could have done w/o, i know what you're getting out, but you could have come up w/ a much better word choice and or elaborated on this, adcoms arent going to be too thrilled w/ you saying their kids know when to go crazy.

But perhaps the biggest advice i could give you, and this ties back to the first thing i said, you need something far more specific, an anecdote, a specific recollection that supports this balance. Vague ideas that could be applied to almost any school dont work, while you probably do have a genuine interest in Chicago, it wont come across through these vague, name calling ideas, like oh this school is so balanced, or so open, or such and such. rather than talking about your new ideas and t.j book idea which seems out of place, if you had started from the first sentence an experience where you saw the balance of U Chicago, then you would have the potential to create a more lasting image in the mind of an adcom. And through this you could have added tremendous details that really would tell an interesting essay. Still not a bad job though, dont get too down, these why essays usually dont play much role in admission, espec at a school like U Chicago that requires 2 other supplements.

Good luck
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / What would you research about and why...my supplement.. [5]

First off, really am sorry to hear about the 3 deaths.

Anyway, even though 3 deaths and not just 1 is really a significant detail, i dont know if i would focus the essay just around the death of 3 people. Two possiblities I could suggest. 1. Start the theme of your essay about something that really gnawed or perplexed you specifically about cancer, maybe when you saw it in an autopsy or just one of its characteristics or something along those lines. There might have been nothing, just the magnitude of the situation, but still the idea of focusing on a detail in some form or another remains 2. Start your essay around answering the last part of the question, what kind of research has the best chance of being productive, i know you want to establish the cancer idea but really the best way to distinguish an essay about a tragedy amongst so many others that Bard will get is to focus on the solution and the details of some part of cancer, which you attempt to do in the second to last para, i would elaborate on that and try to build a greater theme around that, i dont know if starting your essay around this theme woudl work best, but i would try it and see what happens, just a suggestion.

Anyway, i would go without the last para, does very little to add to your essay and really the edison quote isn't anything particularly special, and if a quote doesnt have the potential to resonate in an adcoms mind, which i dont think this will, better off just leaving it out, espec if your going to end an essay w/ it.

In that second to last para i suggest you elaborate on and try to make more significant in the overall essay, i wouldnt also spend most of the time like you do here summarizing your observations of cancer research which are really just generalized summaries, maybe one line or so as a potential topic sentence might be appropriate, but you have to individualize this and make it about you, what is special about the kind of research YOU, not others have done in the past, but you, what's the direction you want to go w/ research?

I also think if you do this then it would eliminate the necessity of that last para altogether, and then potentially you could tie your intro about something specific about cancer all back together.

I dont want to sound harsh, but the simplest way to critque your essay for yourself would be just think for a second and ask the type of question you hear so often: how is this essay about a tragedy diff than the ones bard will get about diff types of tragedy? The best way to make htis a truely memorable essay is not through just relying on a poignant topic(most essays like this do that, they just hope the poignant topic gets them recognized but it doesnt work like this, all of these family tragedies stories all conclude too similarily), even in an objective essay like this, i still think your better off w/ an intro that for ex. would talk about something like a image in your mind you had from say the rate of growth of the tissue, or something more specific just in general. this is where your voice can really be shown and allow for this to be a truely profound essay that stirs away from the general conclusions most reach like oh. i really want to reserach this to come up w/ solutions so future generations dont deal w/ this or oh this event really changed me and made me realize how fortunate i was to be living.

btw what is the word limit, the shorter it is, the sooner and more i would focus on those themes of your own speicfic research and the details of what intrigued you by cancer

Good Luck
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC--Chapel Hill No talent Prompt: I am NO GIFTED ARTIST! [4]


As for your essay, this creative idea seems forced, and frankly its pretty cliche this story, with all due respect, i mean im sure this was a moving experience, but really i could predict the outcome of this story as soon as i read the intro. FAR TOO PREDICTABLE, if creativity is really what you gained, express it differently, i wouldnt take so long to jump into the story of now and give such a detailed description of before. My best advice: give a vivid description of a drawing now, and then make whatever comparisons you want to the past and create the focus of your essay through that. Also, if you do this, I would create the focus of hte essay around the theme of the art, like if it is a scenic view, maybe look for something appealing to that scene for example and then maybe use the scene to help compare the present with the past and how you use to draw or see things or something along those lines? Know what I'm getting at?

Also, you can do a much more powerful and vivid job of describing the art work, again focus in on something specific about the art work, not just a creativity aspect, but something greater, the writing style seemed kind of vanilla also, not very lively and your iffy meeh verb choices were the reason behind this, a greater focus, more focus towards detail, and really a focus about the artwork and then a description of how you changed(and this description should also be more specific) would really enhance this essay. Sorry if this sounds harsh, art if its something your passionate about is always a solid essay topic, and you have some ideas, just reshuffle them and focus in on something more specific.

If you could provide me an answer to my UNC question, that would help ALOT, btw, did you get this same problem or is it my computer. I sent the email to the people who are suppose to help but they said it will take 3-4 days which i dont have and i'd rather not have to send this by mail and hand write everything:)

good luck
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / UPenn supplement essay -what I can contribute to community [6]

your problem was that last part of the essay, what can you contribute to the community, and this is ulitmately what matters to colleges, and while you go into detail about all the things you love about UPENN, your contribution at the end about how you will contribute living a life of your own and being able to pass this on is rather vague, this could have been a theme to your essay, rather htan your science interest which talks more about helping people with medicine(nothing new either, think of how many people said that), and the CAS which was the one aspect of the school you mentioned which you didnt give specifics to. Also, you talk about chess and how you can pass on teach it which is good, but you would have been better off elaborating a couple more setnences with it, you had more space. Its a good idea if you really are a good chess player which it appears you are, but if you could have extended the idea a little more and talked about something specific you would have emphasized, it would have been much better. The Piano idea is also rather vague, you can develop your skills which is a decent topic sentence but as w/ chess, you would have been better suiting dvweling into this more and talking about something specific w/ upenn piano, maybe a specific program or professor, something like that as an example.

All in all, though, not bad, this will be better than most why upenn essays the school reads, your conclusion is solid although depending on who reads it i dont know if there going to be in love w/ the whole failure is not an option idea, sounds like your advertising the school to someone almost, but whatever, good luck, if other parts of your application show your passion towards chess and music, this will enhance your application. Good luck

Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't dance." - BU 3 words that describe you - INTRO [11]

thanks, good feed back i did change mine up a little if you want to take a look,

anyway, can you give me the prompt for your essay, i know its three words that describe you, but is that it, anything else in the prompt, sorry i know im slow but none of my colleges asked for a 3 words essay. As it is, i dont know if hte prompt asks for a poem or not or how many words it is suppose to be, but it is solid. The only thing I would say is lots of people can claim to be bold or something along those lines, if you cant describe something specifically that would suggest your bold(about your life not through a red jacket), then you better have other parts of your application that do this rather directly, otherwise i dont know if the adcoms will buy it or not. Thanks, good luck.