Undergraduate / Personal and academically related reasons: Transfer Application Essay [4]

Hi Jennifer!

My big recommendation to you is this: focus on what Roger Williams has vs what La Salle does not. If you criticize your current program, you'll portray yourself as a less than gracious applicant and really miss your target audience. The focus of this essay should be how Roger Williams will enable you to reach your academic (and even career) goals.

I'd also say you should commit to a major and course of study at Roger Williams, something specific to their offerings. You write:

"At the time of sending college applications I was also undecided on my major. With time I have been able to reduce my list to Psychology, Media Communications or Historical Preservation. They are majors offered in Roger Williams University that really interest me and I can see myself accomplishing many things in."

Transfer applicants have it a little harder because they're expected to have really persuasive, firm reasons for transferring. They need to know where they're going and what they need to get there.

This is a good start...keep going! Focus your goals and elaborate more on why Roger Williams is the ideal fit.

Best,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / "my first stock at the age of thirteen" - Business Transfer Essay (UIUC) [3]

Hi there!

We've written some posts on transfer essays on our blog which you should check out. Here's my quick feedback on your essay:

-This fails to convince me:

"Ever since I bought my first stock at the age of thirteen, I've had a profound passion for the financial markets. My lifelong goals have always been to manage my own hedge fund and learn as much as possible about the financial market phenomena at a University fostering academic excellence."

Define your career vision if you want to show you're ready to hit the ground running. Where do you want to work? Tell us more about the hedge fund--what do you think goes into building that kind of organization and how do you get there? Bushy-tailed doesn't work with this kind of incredible, lofty career ambition.

-Get specific and avoid the complimentary, sycophantic language that makes your essay sound inauthentic ('unparalleled education! impressive list of highly competent professors!')

"I strongly believe that the University of Illinois's Finance Program can provide unparalleled education and ample resources to aspiring money managers. The various finance related clubs, internship opportunities, study abroad locations, and impressive list of highly competent professors absolutely captivate me. Illinois also participates in the Tulane Trading Competition, which really interests me. I would strive to participate in the competition as it would be a pivotal time in my development as a finance student and burgeoning money manager."

The trading competition stuff is great, but the other content needs to get more specific. What about specific professors' work? What about internship or study abroad programs? What's your vision for your career?

-Avoid getting too axiomatic.

"True academic excellence is collaborating with peers who share similar values, interests, and ethics to achieve common goals."

Instead, SHOW how you have proven these values in your studies. How have you really put your education in action and taken a more holistic approach at your current university? We want to show that you are a driven leader that just needs a stronger platform and training ground. Steep your argument in concrete facts and evidence.

Just my quick thoughts...hope they help! Just remember to get specific and get to the heart of your story. With a little more development, this essay can humanize you and really aid your candidacy.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / "I am a cellist" common app short response [5]

Hi there!

Good work here. Here are a couple of quick thoughts:

-The 'meter' or rhythm of this paragraph feels quite poetic, which I like. In fact, in your original version I was reminded of an Elizabeth Bishop poem ("The Art of Losing"). I would advise against overuse of semicolons, though; that can get cloying :)

-I think this essay could dig a little deeper, even in 150 words. I really like how your hands evidence the fact that you are a musician--it's a great image and parallel for the evolution of your essay (superficial--> deep/interior). I don't get the progression here though:

"I am a musician, but not simply a musician. I am a Shostakovich junkie. Give me the Eighth String Quartet and I could give an hour lecture on the notes D, E-flat, C, and B. But this would merely scratch the surface of my musical profile. My ringtone sounds to the tune of Jacqueline Du Pre's Elgar. No, I am not in band and no, I do not play the bass, even though Bass cleft is my home. I am simply a cellist."

What's wrong with simply being a musician? Why is it important to your identity that you call yourself a cellist, first and foremost? This essay seems to IMPLY without really getting to the heart of what you want to say. Does that make sense?

As a fellow musician, I understand the need to identify yourself and your art form; however, by the essay's end, I'd like to know why it's important to you that you do.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / " Life with a handicapped mother..." COMMON APP ESSAY [10]

That's "art imitates life" above--but I think you get the picture! :) Hope our perspective is helpful!

Undergraduate / " Life with a handicapped mother..." COMMON APP ESSAY [10]

Really terrific work on this essay.

I'm all for the development of the conclusion paragraph, but with a different angle. My biggest issue with your essay is that your mother's "monologue" tends to dominate and get a little pedantic. Perhaps art imitates laugh, HA!

""No, you don't feel it. It comes over you at times when you truly experience it. It's something that exists outside of the mind and heart - between you and the rest of the world. It's a state of understanding other people's feelings."

"Jeong isn't just about empathy. It's about sensing that your individuality is only a part of a sum, that we all have a commitment to each other - it's sacrificing your person for the cause of a whole."

"You should realize that even strangers share some jeong between them. It's small, but it's there. There was jeong between you and that kid back there. If you had realized that, maybe you wouldn't have been so snide."

This next paragraph is WONDERFUL--incredibly sophisticated and well-written:

"Life with a handicapped mother has always seemed like this - a string of lessons. Rare lessons, like this one, would lodge themselves like bubblegum pop in the inner confines of my subconscious. I realized that my mother had in fact been teaching me how to harbor jeong all throughout my life - in the smaller things in life, like in a smile or a simple hand gesture. To me, jeong was the art of putting myself in another's shoes, and walking some miles in it. It was the realization that all of human experience is connected."

However, don't dilute this stellar paragraph with a broad meditation on acceptance and empathy and understanding ("...it was the art of putting yourself in another's shoes, and walking some miles in them; it was about breaking barriers and establishing ties; it was the realization that we are all humans striving to live, love, and learn in a transient world...") Reconnect to your narrative, show rather than tell; the analysis above is just too good to dilute.

I might even move to the cashier and your manifestation of jeong, though in a different scenario--something that's more subtle and in line with your story and this context. "Check out" at check-out :) I think this will be far more interesting and at the level of your prose.

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / Brown Supplements- "Why Brown?" and "Academic Interests" - Critique! [4]

Hi there!

Here's my quick take.

1) Avoid the pat answers that make an AdCom member immediately tune out:

"Brown appeals to me as a college option because of its emphasis on liberal education."

2) This, on the other hand is solid:

"At Brown, I don't have to be a conglomeration of letters, numbers, or credits. I can be myself."

Of course, I'd like to see more specific insight into why Brown is the right fit for you...what about specific classes, student leadership opportunities, etc? A liberal arts education can be obtained just about anywhere...what is it about Brown's unique offerings???? Get specific. It will help advance your case.

3) I also don't completely understand your academic trajectory.

"Furthermore, the connection between music and neuroscience allows me to study two interdisciplinary subjects at ease. The connection, the link between the two would also help me in furthering my cultural music studies and widen my career pathways to incorporate music therapy in my path of medicine."

So, you'd like to combine anthro/music with science--are there unique tracks in the PLME program where these interests can converge? What about cognitive science? What about professors whose work appeals to you? You're not the expert (yet), but you can aim to flesh out your interests to show they're really substantial and valid.

Hope this helps!!! Solid work so far...keep going!

Best,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / I grew up around Duke U; Trinity College of Arts and Science/Duke a good match? [2]

Hi there!

My biggest concern with your essay deals more with content--it sounds like what the AdCom 'wants to hear' rather than what 'you want them to know.' Here are my quick thoughts:

-Always get specific. A generalized observation suggests you didn't take the initiative to really learn more. "I enjoy learning outside of the classroom and Duke offers a cornucopia of opportunities for undergraduates." This just feels too canned.

-Avoid citing campus aesthetics or basketball (unless you play! :) as primary drivers. They just don't stand up to what's most important about Duke--the education, the culture, the experience.

-Avoid getting sycophantic and telling Duke how prestigious their program is...they know already! :)

-Support claims. How do your background and goals support an interest in community service? Why do you value it? So many applicants will cite an interest in service bc it feels like a prerequisite. It's NOT. However, if you have a really substantive background or interest in civic engagement...strive to make it more meaningful here.

I'd work on developing content more, keeping in mind some of the suggestions above.

Best,
Janson

Undergraduate / "Memoirs of a Teenage Hostess" - Common App Personal Essay [11]

Hi Claire!!!

I'm going to counter some of the perspectives here a little bit and just say: I think your essay is effortlessly brilliant. It comes off as so authentic, which, for me, is one of the markers of a truly phenomenal admissions essay. Take this for example:

"I spent my time at House of Emperor, a Chinese restaurant nestled in a bustling strip mall, averting contact with the customers by tinkering with the cash register and brandishing the soda gun at empty glasses. The storage closet by the bar became my refuge whenever it wasn't busy, and I was its willing recluse."

It's raw, funny, and interesting all at the same time. At first, I was unconvinced (and a little put off) by your emulating Sayuri's behavior (be careful that it doesn't sound subtly anti-feminist!)--but you eventually won me over there too:

"With a newfound role model, I sought to emulate Sayuri's charm and femininity as I scanned credit cards and wiped countertops. I poured drinks with delicacy, preventing even one drop of Coke from spilling over the top. Fresh applications of mascara and lip gloss became my new pastimes."

How many of us have read about a character and then found that person literally living through us in some way?

I still think the conclusion could use some work. Your theme is deep and complex--you're essentially talking about the synchronicity and connection between 2 people from different eras. Sayuri was very real to you, so much so that she helped you evolve into a different person: more confident, more sophisticated, more intuitive.

Is there anything you might have rewritten about Sayuri's story, or her character? Anything you might have taught HER?

Avoid rushing to create a conclusion just yet. You have the ability to write the perfect ending--but something 'cute' or tangential doesn't feel just right. I'd like you to continue the narrative and build another layer w/ your relationship with Sayuri.

Just my two cents!

Best,
Janson

Graduate / Peace Corps Application Essay #1, the most challenging expectation [4]

Hi there!

Nice work on this essay thus far. I think much of what you've written is pretty solid. Here are some of my initial thoughts to help you get this statement to the next level:

-"It's been about a year now that I've considered joining the Peace Corps, but I found myself constantly putting off the completion of my application. I kept asking myself, "Is it really worth giving up two years of my normal life?"" Avoid ever suggesting this level of doubt, particularly w/ the Peace Corps. They are seeking people who are truly passionate about their direction, and this starts your essay of on shaky ground.

-Kenya. This could be a great starting off point for your essay. Give more detail and insight into the experience, and how it changed you--this can really lay the groundwork for your future in the Peace Corps.

-Elaborate more on your goals. I love this:

"These past experiences reminded me of why I wished to join the Peace Corps: I want to help others while fully immersing myself in their culture, beliefs, and daily lives. In the future, I plan to go to graduate school for international affairs and public policy to study human rights and international development..."

And do what?

-Always try to convey confidence. The prompt tells it all here ("...please be specific about which expectations you expect to find most challenging and how you plan to overcome these challenges).

"Moreover, I now realize that it's okay to be scared and uncertain about what to expect; in fact, it would be quite abnormal not to feel that way."

This can be better grounded in your personal experience. How do you really expect to make it this long? You might touch on your passion for your career as a key motivation--how is your career path clear to you now more than ever? The Peace Corps is not only about service for you--it provides a real world education that is a gateway to your future, which is intrinsically linked to service.

Keep going!

Best,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / 'I lost confidence in myself'; Difficulty making an important decision [2]

Hi Shalini,

I'd like to give you specific, granular feedback on this essay, but my biggest issue is with your choice of topic. Here's why:

-A more specific, nuanced story will work better with this prompt. This essay hinges not necessarily on the difficulty itself, but the specific course of action you took and how you resolved the situation. This is the real purpose of the prompt: to showcase your problem-solving skills and ability to reflect on your choices.

If you can explore your pursuit of modeling more specifically (was it more than a childhood dream?), this essay can work.

-It is somewhat natural to make an ill-informed, impetuous or outside-of-the-box career choice as a child. Few people rarely have a handle on their career aspirations until they are well into adulthood, so it almost seems as if you're being too hard on yourself here. Of course, I'd have to know more about the realities of your personal history.

-Lastly, I feel as though you don't really give great support for why teaching is the best path for you. Teaching provides a more balanced life, and it is 'in your blood,' but how did you determine it was your passion???

Best,
Brooke

Undergraduate / "a love for science" - Statement of Purpose [6]

Hi there!

Nice work thus far on this essay. There are some mechanical issues throughout your statement (touched on by Kevin and Noto), but I trust you can find someone to help you work through the rest of those. What I'd like to do is give you some strategic suggestions on developing content for a transfer essay:

-I think the introduction can be streamlined. Ultimately, you don't have to dig so deep into the history of your love of science. This is about nursing, and what draws you to the career. I'd prefer to see an anecdote from some volunteer (nursing?) experience, which would be more compelling, sophisticated and relevant.

-I appreciate that you try to explain the dip in your academic performance. However, I still think you fail to inspire complete confidence. How did you regain your focus? What shifted inside you? Did you take on leadership or extracurricular roles in addition to your studies? How do those also reflect what you bring to a nursing program and/or medical team?

-I don't get a great sense of why you absolutely need to transfer to UT. Ultimately, that's your biggest task with this essay, to show why UT is a MUST to get you to the next point in your career/life path. 'Renowned faculty' is generic and can be said of thousands of programs. What's so different about the UT experience? This will require a little more research on your part. I'd suggest that you dig into the program, speak with other nursing students, and use that knowledge to inform your essay.

I hope these tips help, and I second everything said by Kevin and Noto.

Best of luck to you!!!

Sincerely,
Janson

Undergraduate / 'bike race' - U of Chicago - How did you get caught? [6]

Hi Christian!

I really like your essay and offbeat approach. Upon first reading, this quirky UChicago prompt creates an ethical booby trap, but you've found a great way to flip it on its side.

The great thing about this essay prompt is that it invites creativity. So, that's what I'd really push you to do here--take your essay to the next level, creatively and narratively speaking. A few thoughts:

-In your introduction, maybe you can suggest you're practicing outside (until the end of the paragraph). Paint the picture, put the reader inside the race and the experience. Creating ambiguities like this will keep your narrative interesting and keep your reader guessing. Your angle could be both funny and offbeat.

-Reflect more deeply and own your strengths and your faults. The expression ""know just enough to be dangerous" riders is interesting, but begs the question--looking back do you think you were cocky? Did you overestimate your abilities? Overall, I'd love to get a stronger sense of what you're made of in this essay. UChicago really looks for intellectual eccentricity (reinforced by this prompt) in their student body, so try to infuse a little more of yourself throughout.

-Create a stronger sense of action and presence in the moment. You write:

"I managed to hang with the lead pack for twenty miles. Around the final turn of the first lap, in front of a long climb back to the start area there was a wipe out, separating me from the leaders."

You're a greater write and should be able to find a descriptive alternative here.

-Toy with language. While keeping this essay in your authentic voice, you should find euphemisms for unwieldy expressions like "put a tiredness in me..."

"The results of that race are online. My name is printed on the very bottom in 41st place." I love this! Confessional, slightly funny and spirited. As you continue to refine this essay, I would strive for that same level of bold authenticity.

Great work so far!!!!

Best,
Brooke

Undergraduate / "Msc. Economic History", I am starting from scratch [9]

Hi Prashanth,

Does this program ask for a personal statement and a statement of purpose? Typically, personal statements can be more flexible in terms of content, while statements of purpose (SOP's) need to show a clear connection between your past, present and future goals.

Regardless, and in either case, I think you should think about how your interests have evolved. You're obviously an accomplished student--but how did you find yourself interested in economic history? I imagine the path didn't immediately start upon your matriculation to college. It might have spun out of an inspiring professor's words, topical news that fascinated you, a completely unrelated class, or an extracurricular club. Find your moment of inspiration, and build out your statement and candidacy from there.

Be careful not to create a statement that feels like your resume in slightly more narrative form. You want your essay to read like an authentic, humanizing and organic story, which also builds a firm case for your candidacy.

Personal statements require ample self-reflection--that's what makes them so challenging. However, the more time you can devote to thinking about your past, and mining your background for the best stories and pivot points, the stronger your final personal statement will be.

Best,
Brooke

Graduate / "International MSc in Entrepreneurship Education & Training" application letter [7]

Hi Zeinab!

Just a few tips to help direct your thinking here:

-While this is a brief short answer question, you still need to get specific. You write:

"I wish IMEET programme equip me with pedagogical tools for appraising entrepreneurship ideas and business plans and also strengthen my knowledge on situated learning theories as well as innovative methodologies to build an entrepreneurship culture."

This needs to be much more unique to the IMEET program. Pinpoint specific components of the curriculum, faculty interests, student organizations, initiatives, anything--just keep it specific. Otherwise, you might as well replace 'IMEET' with any other program name here.

-Avoid sycophantic, unsubstantiated program praise. "World-class" learning environment carries no weight unless you can define exactly what appeals to you about the environment, what makes it so "world-class."

-Flesh out each idea, or don't include it. You write:

"I hope team based assignments of IMEET also develop my communication and team work ability.
Finally I hope by attending IMEET can give back to my community."

Again, these statements carry no real weight unless you support them, and show HOW you plan to give back, and WHY you want to develop teamwork and communication capabilities. What are your goals?

-There are mechanical issues throughout your writing: word choice, syntax, run-on sentences, etc. Be sure to have a native English speaker review your final draft.

Keep going, good work so far!

Best,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Graduate / MBA Career Goals Essay: Transportation Engineer (Civil Service, Government) [10]

Hi Niladri,

I'm not the expert on your industry, but, I think there are some great potential ways to frame your goals. Some immediate questions:

-Are you looking to go into public administration--or do you want to work more on the private sector side? You mentioned policy, so I am guessing the former. Where do you work, geographically? Where do you want to work? How can these worlds connect?

-Will the programs you're applying to cultivate this kind of expertise? This is critical. It will be difficult to show fit for a program that doesn't build many skills in this space or in terms of policy making/thinking.

-How has your 8 yr career shed light on some of the biggest strategic and policy challenges facing community development? This is your angle. You have deep engineering experience, and you want to use it to show how your long-term goals and curiosities crystallized. Your insider's view can absolutely bring dimension to your long-term goals...so use it wisely!

Hope this helps---best of luck!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Graduate / Questions on Goal Statement and Work Description Essay [5]

Hi Khoivu,

Most admissions committees will provide some kind of guidelines on length for these documents. It wouldn't hurt to ask them (diplomatically and professionally)--or at least explore the website FAQ's. Even for schools that don't stipulate length, they typically have an FAQ section that gives some kind of range.

If you can't find any information, most graduate school statements of purpose are approx. 2 pages long. In your goals statement, I would explore the following:

-Some of your background--what drew you to this field, why you feel passionately about it, etc.
-Academic and Career Experience
-Show how that background has led to your current academic and career goals
-Show how this program will help you realize those goals, and echo what makes your candidacy unique

I'm not familiar with this program, but I would guess the work description is intended to be a more granular discussion of what you do with tech and what you want to do at George Mason. Are there specific tracks or research components? They probably want to know how you will fit in. So, get specific--a faculty member with tech knowledge will very likely take a close look at this one. This essay can probably stand to be shorter, no more than 1 page.

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / Application Essay (Journalism) [4]

Hi there!

"'I've always known what I wanted to do. Except for a time in sixth grade when I wanted to be a stunt double..."

Hilarious. The second phrase flips the first sentence cliche on its side, and adds a refreshing dose of self-awareness. It's what the best writers are able to do--write with authenticity. I'd almost recommend you OPEN with this, and get right to your passion for writing. It's much less interesting (and relevant) to pontificate on the purpose of education/the content in par. 2.

Also, be sure to target the prompt. Why AUC--specifically? What can the school offer you--what skills does it cultivate that will help you realize your vision for your future? This is underwhelming:

"In my intensive search for my idyllic university, I have found that AUC is the perfect place for me to try and formulate a plan to steal the elusive railroad. It is one of the top universities in the region, if not the top."

AdComs want students that are truly thrilled at the prospect of attending their university--so I think you can build a much stronger case here. They are looking for excitement and passion, and students that are ready to hit the ground running. So, unleash your most journalistic tendencies.

Keep up the good work!!!

Sincerely,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / About me in 10 years... | Temple University Transfer | Admission Essay [9]

LOL, Kevin! Love the Mr. Miyagi image, and I find it very apropos.

Loku--I believe the biggest challenge with this essay, as you suspected, is authenticity ("The topic is just too bs-friendly.") It's a tough one, no doubt.

I would actually advocate for more focus on what you have accomplished--giving more color and insight into your research work and your personal life--than a retrospective look back on why Temple was so great. You say that you 'feel proud' many times throughout this essay, and I think it's much less about looking back ("thanks, Temple!") than really looking forward. Temple wants to know about your vision for your future and who you want to be. This is far more telling and challenging of course.

A few tips for some content development:

-Be more clear and confessional on your personal goals. Don't overshare, but don't be afraid to be honest about what you envision and what you want. This is where your humanity and personality and values can shine through.

-How have your rltshps with Temple students and faculty impacted your career? How did they steer your research?
-What have you been working on at GlaxoSmithKline? How has your career taken off? What do you still want? I think this is GREAT to include. Expand on it. Don't be afraid to get too granular, and show exactly what your vision for your future is.

-10 years out is a unique vantage point (I speak from experience). So, I think it is also understandable to communicate a certain degree of hope for what more you want to accomplish.

I apologize if my feedback inspires another overhaul, but I do think this prompt demands a certain clarity of vision. As you said, you'll be compared to other candidates who have their futures planned downed to the last excruciating detail, and there is something very persuasive about this sense of conviction. Your essay just feels too safe. It may not detract from your candidacy, but I don't think it will add value.

This prompt allows AdComs to place students into niches and develop a diverse, talented pool of students. So, I encourage you to push your vision further and show who you really want to be. This is a tall order for a young applicant, I know, but I think you can do it.

Great work so far!

Cheers,
Janson

Graduate / SOP for MS in Mechanical Engineering: "justify your faith in me" [6]

Hi there!

I think you have done some solid work with this essay, but I have some overarching strategies which I believe will help you to polish this piece so that it truly enriches your candidacy:

-Keep your language simple and direct, and anchor it to real anecdotes and facts. Avoid the dramatic language "flourishes" that detract from the clarity of your statement. You have a great story to tell, but frequently your prose gets convoluted and obscures a simple but important message. ("This was a distinctively gratifying experience for me, which I feel would stand in good stead in the future, especially in lieu of a good team leader.")

-Outline a clearer structure and stick to it. In your case, I think your writing would benefit from clearly outlined paragraphs: introduction (perhaps citing the moment your passion was ignited, your background in 2 paragraphs, your goals, why XXX program and a closing).

-Keep language concise. Throughout your statement, you include peripheral content that won't really serve you in the admissions process, and may even be detrimental to your candidacy. You want to convey confidence, clarity of vision, and a crisp, articulate communication style. Avoid language like:

"I would be grateful to you if I'm accorded the opportunity to pursue my graduate study at your institution. I thank you for the time you spent in reading my statement of purpose and I look forward to a very productive and pleasant learning experience at your university."

Good work so far--but keep going! Beyond the technical components of your writing, it's necessary to take a step back and think 'strategically' about what your statement says about you as an applicant and communicator. I think if you continue to focus language throughout this essay and stick to a clearer framework, this statement can really work to your advantage.

All my best,
Janson

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Masters in Public Administration [2]

Hi Raman,

Below are some helpful hints about statements of purpose and personal statements for graduate schools.

Many applicants seek guidance on their graduate school statements of purpose and personal statements. For most, this can be a more Herculean task than writing a 20-page term paper. Put your life, hopes and dreams on paper, in 2 pages or less. Some start with the obvious question: what's the difference between a personal statement and an SOP???

-First of all, an SOP is not the same thing as a personal statement. The latter should convey your goals in light of who you are--your personal experiences, the forces that have shaped you, culturally, professionally, academically, personally, etc. The Statement of Purpose/SOP should be much more targeted: your background (professional and academic), your interests, your research goals, and your overall compatibility with XXX program (professors, research teams, curriculum, teaching style, etc).

Some programs even request Personal History statements (some graduate programs at Berkeley, for example), which should just focus on the environmental and personal forces that have shaped your life. This is where you can really allow your humanity to shine through (with a certain level of discretion, of course).

-Remember that compatibility is CRITICAL in small graduate or PhD programs--whether you are applying for a master's program in electrical engineering or environmental policy. Why should you be 1 of 30 students? What about the program aligns with your interests? How will you fit into specific research teams? How will you push the work being conducted by Professor X? So, remember to SHOW FIT and potential impact.

-Know the program's output. What do Harvard HDP (Human Development and Psychology) graduates do? Do they generate research? Do they enter or reenter the business world? Do they teach? For example, if you're applying to an academia-oriented OB program that produces professors and theorists, you might not want to voice your consulting ambitions. Moreover, this might not be the program for you! This might require some research and outreach to current students--but trust us--doing your homework will ensure that you do not immediately eliminate your chances of admission.

-Make the most of your research background. Haven't been published yet? That's ok--but you can work to show transferable skills and highlight your quantitative, qualitative, leadership and teaming capabilities.

-Make yourself human. Though this isn't your college essay, you can still infuse grad school essays with a sense of authenticity and color. It is always valuable to show the forces that drive you, and show that you are more than an automaton or workhorse.

-Know what you want from your career. This goes without saying for most applicants, but, if you are to truly position your experience, you must know where you are headed. Particularly for grad school application essays, positioning and strategy are essential. You must have an intimate, nuanced understanding of how the Stanford OB Phd program will get you from point A to point B.

-Language and analysis must be top-notch. As a graduate student, writing will be an integral, routine part of your life. Accordingly, your language in this 2 page statement must indicate your capabilities as a writer: reflective analysis, impeccable organization, seamless prose, and a unique point of view. Keep in mind the standard pitfalls--cliches, passive voice, superfluous language, imprecision, etc. Aim to impress!

Hope these tips help you as you continue to refine your graduate school applications!

Best regards,
Brooke

Undergraduate / Growing Up Organic. Columbia Essay & Short Answers. [3]

Hi Sarah!

I so enjoyed reading your essays for Columbia. Regarding the 'organic' essay, I wonder if you could push your analysis further. You paint a wonderful picture, but as a reader I found myself seeking even more depth than you have achieved in this draft.

-Did you express to your mom that you were furious with her? What was the reasoning behind your parents' choice?
-If you are not sure why you have a vivid memory of that particular day, why are you mentioning it? Ask yourself why that memory is so vivid for you? What feelings, concepts and values does it involve? How is this integral to who you are and how you exist in the world? There should be a clear-cut reason why the memory is vivid.

-How did your food utopia work out? Did you enjoy the freedom? Did you abuse it and feel sick? What did you learn from exploring the boundaries of freedom? What do you think of structure versus choice?

-Is eating consciously only about avoiding temptation? What are the other components of this practice that have informed your life and worldview?

As for your short answers, my thoughts are as follows. Why are you fascinated by psychology? Where is the root of this interest? How have you learned more about psychology than you could have in any classroom? What do you do as president? Are there meetings? What types of organizations have you worked with? I understand that you are limited to 600 characters here, but I would urge you to push your analysis. Rather than just capturing the factual data and writing in broad strokes, bring your answer into sharper focus. Specificity will set your answer apart from the rest.

What school are you currently attending? What is bitter? What is sweet? What additional aspects do you seek at Columbia? The first few sentences of this answer are very vague. I might start with a mention of the Political Science department, if that is indeed your primary reason for wanting to transfer. Why is that your passion? What attracts you to this field of study? Living away from home and in a close-knit community of non-commuters is a good reason to include here -- but keep in mind: this could be true of ANY university that would require you to live away from home. Why Columbia in particular? What kind of Columbia student would you be? How would you fit into the social fabric, undergraduate community, political science department, etc? Illustrate how and why you should be part of this academic environment.

Keep up the good work. Best of luck!

Sincerely,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editor

Graduate / I have the tenacity, energy and desire; SOP for Global IT management [5]

Hello there,

Considering an SOP requires knowing what its purpose is. To what school or program are you applying? What school or job are you coming from? In the first section, what 'past several years?' How many years? What 'colorful and meaningful academic and social life' experiences are you talking about? Keep in mind that virtually any applicant can write in broad strokes and gloss over the details in this manner. What is going to set you apart is specificity. Shed light on the things you're talking about? Illuminate for the reader who you are and why you stand out?

Does your SOP have a length limit? If so, you should abide by that. Having said this, your current draft feels very brief. The SOP is your one opportunity to present yourself - in any way you choose - to the AdCom. It is not an opportunity to be passed up. It serves you well - and strengthens your application package - to use this opportunity creatively, thoughtfully and wisely.

You wish to pursue international business. Why? What is your background in? You list 3 areas of research you'd like to pursue. This is great. Can you elaborate on each one? How do they work with each other? How do your interests inform each other? What are your short- and long-term goals, and how will this research further those goals?

Finally, in the conclusion, anyone can talk about 'excellent professors' and so forth. What professors in particular? What about the program is appealing to you? Each SOP must be specific and direct. Make a strong case for why you are a good fit for this school. Along the same lines, anyone can say, "I am tenacious." In writing, we always turn to the familiar rule: show -- don't tell. In other words, show us through examples, stories and anecdotes that you are tenacious. Doing so is much more persuasive and interesting than simply claiming it with the words, "I am tenacious."

You seem to have many interesting qualifications! Give the admissions officers the opportunity to learn more about how unique and qualified you truly are.

Good luck!
Best regards,
Janson

Essays / Greek mythology, writing The Introduction Paragraph [3]

Hi Elliott,

What is the exact format you want? Has your professor given you a concrete format to work with? All writing is, of course, subjective, and many professors have specific elements they are looking for in their students' essays. As you mentioned, once you transition from high school level writing to college level writing, you are generally allowed more stylistic freedom.

That said, a strong introduction to any essay should include the very components you listed. You're right on track. Your thesis statement can be your first or last sentence in the introduction -- either is acceptable. What is crucial is that you argue a strong, specific point of view in your thesis. Before even considering how to structure your paper, ask yourself what you are saying. What is your point? What are you proving here? What is your opinion about the prompt, question or topic? Why is this opinion unique? Once you have clarified for yourself exactly what it is that you are saying, you may have an easier time letting your narrative unfurl.

All too often in writing, we connect the dots, so to speak, without taking the time to 'color it in' -- deepening its tones, sharpening its lines and bringing it to life.

What, exactly, is 'giving you a headache' about this assignment? Go to the core of your frustration, and start there.

Cheers,
Brooke
IvyEyes Editing

Undergraduate / courses I'm interested in are poles apart - psychology and engineering. [3]

Hi Sandra,

Are you applying to an undergraduate program? A graduate program? What you write in your personal statement depends entirely on what type of program you're applying to. On a graduate level, your interest must be very specialized. Even on an undergraduate level, though, it helps to demonstrate a sense of purpose/direction. Ask yourself the following questions:

-What is the purpose of this program?
-What do I hope to study in this program?
-What will I contribute to this academic community?
-Why am I a good fit for this program, and why is it the best school for me?
-What are my short- and long-term goals? How will an education here help me to achieve these goals?

Psychology and Engineering are indeed very different disciplines. Do you hope to pursue both? Are you leaning toward one or the other? If you are at a point in your education where you are aiming to explore both, you can absolutely state that in your PS and go on to explore the interface between the two. How are they different? How, if at all, are they similar? Do you see one discipline helping you become more informed, adept or advanced in the other? How do they influence each other? How has each one shaped you as a student, a researcher, a thinker?

By asking yourself the tough questions, you will automatically deepen your thinking, deepen your analysis, and write a much more unique essay.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Brooke

Writing Feedback / SAT practice essay about the possibility of knowing oneself [3]

Hi Taylor,

You're off to a great start. There are some grammatical and syntactical issues here. While the College Board readers are reading in a supportive manner (and not necessarily sticklers for every detail of spelling and so forth), it is important that your writing be clear and correct. SO, in the first paragraph, 'has strove' should be 'has striven' or 'has strived.' Either works (though the first is preferable). Also, you write 'humankind' (singular) and then 'themselves' (plural). To refer to 'humankind' you would say 'itself.' Make sure you are choosing the proper verb tenses and pronouns throughout the essay.

Nice job listing 'religion and defying behavioral norms' as your two supporting pieces of evidence and then describing these in that same order in the essay. This lends your writing nice organization and structure. Where you run into trouble is in your vagueness. You tend to make broad claims and dwell in abstractions. If you can make your writing more specific and concrete, you will be able to gain points on the essay.

You argue: 'we can never reach this state of understanding.' If this is your thesis, prove it. What New Age religions are you talking about? What do you have to vouch for the fact that people never achieve greater understanding through meditation? Can you cite a specific example of this?

You jump rather abruptly to a discussion about hippies. Make your writing more sophisticated and pick up points by enhancing your transitions. What is the connection between New Age religion and hippies?

With the hippies, why was the mission impossible? You're making grand statements about large groups of people. Can you point to specific events? Doing so will make your point all the more convincing.

Finally, great job on the conclusion. I like your impulse to end with a question that overturns your logic. Pick up points by taking this one step further. If time allows, raise the question (once you have proven your point, feel free to address the opposing view point) and then refute it. By refuting a potentially opposing viewpoint, you are strengthening your argument even more.

Using 2 examples instead of 3 is acceptable -- it is, in fact, common practice on the essay section these days. If you are using 2 examples, though, you must make them great. You must deepen your analysis and get very specific in order to drive home your message.

Good luck!

All the best,
IvyEyes Editing

Undergraduate / "the ability to lead" - My statement of purpose for UT [7]

Hi Brad!

Can you give us details on the prompt--is this for the undergrad biz program? What's the word limitation? What is the prompt exactly--is it a short leadership essay?

Best,
Brooke

Undergraduate / Why Rice, excellent pre-med program (Transfer Essay) [12]

Some great feedback here! My biggest issue is the following:

"Two years ago, my application to Rice ended with my lack of confidence and motivation. I had already been accepted into the school that I now attend, and I feared failure and doubted whether I would be successful at a world-renowned institution such as Rice. Today, with a much better understanding of my future goals and myself, I have come to realize Rice is the perfect place to fulfill my dreams."

Rice may be an obvious 'step up,' but here I'd focus on why Rice is right for you in terms of sheer curriculum and resources, and how your successes have confirmed your ability to succeed there. It's unnecessary (and distracting) to focus on your past 'lack of confidence.' Project confidence throughout this essay instead--and maybe end on what you will bring to the table at Rice.

What skills have you honed in your current program that might be of value at Rice? Showing legitimate fit/compatibility is important, as well as what you have to offer. You can do all of this without maligning your current school, or dwelling on the past. Think forward! What's the word limit?

That's it from my perspective, great work thus far.

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / U of T Briefly comment on Victoria College's motto:"Studies Pass into Character" [4]

Hi there!

Great suggestions from Golden!

Is there a limit on this short essay? I'd love to see a specific example to show how your studies did really translate to your character or other areas of your life ('taking risks'). It could be brief--but this would definitely help to better substantiate your claim and target the prompt.

Also, be careful with the phrase 'normal high school,' 'normal' is a sensitive and problematic word these days! :) If your high school curriculum was atypical--explain how the curriculum was different, and a real departure from what you had previously experienced. This will only help to better speak to your risk-taking abilities!

All best,
Brooke

Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay? [15]

Hi Argit,

I really like what you have done here. Your voice is distinctive, and you know how to paint a picture. I think this is beautiful:

"...my best friend was a splice of strips of white, blue and yellow fabric sewn together and pumped with air. Air from my own lungs..."

What a poignant image to represent how you are intrinsically linked to your passion. Ah, the [insert sport]=life metaphors are great! (minor note: 'splice of strips of white' is a little awkward--maybe 'patchwork'?)

At times, the 'I am' device does grow slightly tedious and overwrought--as if you've tried to write an epic poem here rather than do what is most important: tell an interesting story. So, if there's one thing I would recommend, it is to focus on the real elements of the story. Your paragraph structure should help guide this.

Also, build tension not just through your language, but through your story's arc. For example, the penultimate paragraph might start with 'Three points left.' What was this game--what were the stakes here? Part of the fun in a great admissions essay is allowing your reader to discern what was really on the line. In some ways, I feel as though you 'know too much' in this essay, and allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions about your character could be even more effective.

Just a few suggestions. Great work thus far!!!!!

Cheers,
Janson

Undergraduate / A Second Chance - UniChicago supplement essay:why u chicago and why chicago [3]

Agreed w/ Argit! No need to refer to website research either--it detracts from the efficacy of your case.

Your essay gets stronger as it progresses. I like the concept of Chicago as a bastion for regrowth and resilience, but would keep this idea short since it is rather conceptual. The focus of your essay should be why UChicago. I might mix up the format entirely just to keep this essay fresh and focused. How about the following structure:

-Open with a brief introduction about Chicago and how it managed to rebuild itself--you could create a really interesting parallel between Chicago and Nigeria (but show how Nigeria still has progress to be made). Was UChicago and education a part of this long-term rebuilding process?

-Explore what UChicago has to offer you as concretely as possible. How is UChicago (not just Chicago the broader city) an extension of the city's resilience and will? Try to cover academic coursework (perhaps work that is tethered to the community--any city planning or policy courses that interest you???), student organizations, programs, etc. Emphasize 'fit' which dictates sharing more of your specific interests. What do you want to do with your career?

This framework might help you create a more vivid and purposeful story. Best of luck!

Cheers,
Brooke

Letters / Cover letter for engineering research assistant post [7]

Hi there,

I agree with the comment on length. Typically, most cover letters are 3/4 of a page. They should work to complement your resume or CV - and bring out core transferable skills. At this length, regardless of the quality of your content, your reader will very likely not read through to the end.

Rather than put your resume in narrative form, do this:

1) Outline the top 2-3 qualities you believe are needed for this role.
2) Determine how to bring out those qualities based on your resume--use an anecdote or two, not 10--and expand on what is in your resume (don't rehash). Weave in achievements and relevant skills, but don't reuse bullets from your CV.

3) Keep it 3/4 of a page (more or less).

Structurally, your cover letter is in good shape, I just think we need to help you condense it so that it works in your favor. Once it is at that length I believe we can better advise you on style.

All best,
Janson

Undergraduate / Rice - Why xxx school of study (interested in science) [10]

Hi there,

Nice work here! My main suggestion for you is to keep your language as specific as possible. 'I've always been interested in...' is a very common way to open an essay. Though it may be true, because many applicants write it, it loses some level of authenticity. The same goes for your closing sentences ('benefiting others').

Instead, I'd pull in some specific event that confirmed your interest in the field. What was 'a' moment that cemented your desire to pursue this track? You refer to intellectual challenge--can you cite an example? e.g. cutting-edge research that revolutionized treatment of a disease, a particular topic in your studies, volunteer work, an inspiring professor, etc.

In a short essay like this, just make sure that you keep your content focused and specific. This essay can work to distinguish you from other applicants, so use it as an opportunity to do so!

Cheers,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / "My two educations" - College essay [4]

Mariah!

Great work on this essay so far. In essence, this is a 'fit' essay, intended to demonstrate your ability to reflect and analyze, but also convey why Endicott is right for you. I have a few major suggestions:

-I like paragraph 1, though it becomes slightly generic. What does this quote mean to you, and how does it directly apply to your life to date? I'd like to see a little more of you in this essay, and know why you are equipped and ready to take full advantage of the experience and resources at Endicott.

-Keep paragraph 2 specific. You write:

"Here is where our education comes in. If you have taken advantage of higher education, then you have been given an amazing gift...Education is needed to both create a rounded human being, as well as equipped that person with the tools to financially succeed. When a school manages to reach out and change students lives in such a way that they are able to go out and get the mortgage on the house of their dreams, and pay it off, moreover carry on successful relationships and jobs, then that institution has succeeded."

All of this can apply to any institution. However, what the prompt is looking for is 'why Endicott.' Can you tailor this paragraph to make sure it delivers that message? You may even want to eliminate some of this content, and integrate more of the material from the last paragraph. Just be sure to keep it specific and focused--not a generalized meditation.

-I'd like to see a stronger conclusion that really gets at your values (and subtly why that makes you a great candidate). You might expand on the quote, which goes on to say:

"it doubtless helps greatly to compress some years of experience into far fewer years by studying for a particular trade or profession in an institution; but that fact should not blind us to another-namely, that in so doing we are learning a trade or a profession, but are not getting a liberal education."

Today, this sentiment still holds true--which is quite incredible! Instead of beseeching the AdCom for admission in your final sentence...what can you leave them with that substantiates your commitment to living life to the fullest? I really liked how you spoke about 'passion,' but am curious to know how you want to keep this value alive.

Great work thus far!!! You have all the right ideas, I'd just like to see you push them further and bring more of yourself into this essay.

Cheers,
Brooke

Graduate / Essay for Masters of Accounting Program [3]

WolfAcct

Hello,

It is, indeed, important to make a case for your leadership skills, especially when you are applying to programs that relate to the business world (as opposed to those focusing on liberal arts). In the content *and in the very composition* of your essay, it is crucial that you demonstrate sharp thinking, clear communication, the ability to distill and present information in a compelling and effective manner, and the capacity to bring your unique strengths to executing tasks and projects.

In general, I would recommend that you avoid listing grades and scores in any admissions essay -- unless explicitly requested by the essay prompt. Keep in mind that you are submitting an entire application, here. The admissions committee can look elsewhere to find a detailed account of your grades and scores. The essay, meanwhile, is your golden opportunity to showcase aspects of yourself that have not been communicated in any other part of the application.

Below are my suggestions -- and please keep in mind that writing is ultimately a subjective process, -- on the different sections of your essay:

You write, "I recently I decided that it was time for me to change my life. I had worked in a job that offered very little room for advancement for a few years, and it had become clear it was time for a new challenge. I decided to reinvent myself, and that is why I am applying to the Masters of Accounting program at (School)."

What made you change your mind? After a few years had passed, what sparked the actual change? You can also get much more specific with this. You wanted to reinvent yourself. This decision could have led to any number of actions/changes. Why graduate school? Why accounting? What are you looking to accomplish? Perhaps these musings would work best later on in the essay, after you have established a clear and specific portrait of yourself and your goals.

You write, "I spent six years working at (Local TV Station), where I was a video editor on the morning newscast. My duties involved getting things organized before the other editors arrived, and then divvying out responsibilities in order to make sure we had all video cut by the start of the newscast. During times of breaking news or continuous coverage, organization became even more crucial, as new video was constantly coming in. Also during my time there, we switched from tape- to file-based playback, and I found myself taking the lead in helping those that were not as tech savvy to catch up with using computers to edit video."

This is all to say... what? You have great credentials and an engaging story. Ask the tough questions, though, to bring your work to the next level. This sounds like exposition. It is an account of what happened, how A led to B, and what that involved. What would make this a lot more dynamic is *your* point of view. What did you learn? How well did you perform in this role? What frustrated you? What were your strengths? How did you overcome obstacles? How did this shape you to become the person you are today? Why are you including this information in the essay? How does is work to support your overarching thesis?

You write: "When I began searching for my new challenge, accounting jumped out at me as the obvious direction to take. I have admittedly never worked in the field, but I have always been intrigued by it. I've always kept very detailed records of all my finances, as well as books tracking the details of sales made when I regularly sold items on eBay. Record keeping and tracking money have always been a bit of a passion of mine, and accounting would allow me to apply that in a professional field."

This sounds very random. The reality is that you have no experience in the field. Okay. Let's work with that! Rather than jumping from video editing work to accounting without much of an explanation, explore the interface between the two. How are they connected? What prompted you to sell things on eBay? Beyond personal finances, how has accounting entered into your life and pursuits thus far? What is it about accounting that you like so much?

You write: "I began taking the MAC program prerequisites this past fall, and have found that I made the right choice in returning to school. I feel like I have finally found my ambition, and I am working harder than ever before to accomplish my goals. I've uncovered that passionate desire for learning that I never really had as an undergrad, and it is driving me to succeed. The instructors that I have in these classes have all been incredible in presenting great lectures that make the material interesting, as well as being readily available outside of class, and I hope to get the chance to learn from them in graduate classes. I'm also planning to join Beta Alpha Psi and the Accounting Society, and I believe both will help me in networking with other students and professionals in the field."

What, exactly, is interesting about this work? It is nice that your professors are passionate, but what is at the core of your drive to succeed in this field? Why this and not any other field?

You write: "My long-term goal is to become a CPA and pursue a career in a public accounting firm. I believe that the MAC program at (School) offers me the best opportunity to obtain the knowledge and tools that I need in order to reach this goal. I fully believe that the knowledge I have already gained in my prerequisite courses and through life, as well as my new desire for accomplishment make me a qualified candidate for the Masters of Accounting program."

Great. Establish this sooner in the essay. Once we understand what your concrete goal is, we can better understand how each piece of the essay works to support the achievement of this goal. Connect the dots for the reader -- it not only makes for a more cohesive essay; it also demonstrates the organization and clarity of your analytic abilities.

Hope this helps. Best of luck with this difficult but rewarding admissions process! Keep up the good work.

Kind regards,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editor

Scholarship / An effective way to start a scholarship-knowledge, obstacles, and experiences [4]

Hello Matei,

You're not alone! People often have difficulty starting. The choices of topic are seemingly endless, and you want to make sure to end up with a unique essay that you are proud to submit. Below are a few pointers to help you get started:

Essay 1: What knowledge and experiences have you had living or working in a diverse community or organization? Please provide specific examples. (500 words)

Do not concern yourself with 'what the admissions committee wants to read.' This is about setting yourself apart from the crowd and answering this prompt in a unique, compelling, thoughtful and concise manner. Where are you from? Did you grow up in one city or town? Have you moved a lot? What is that city/town like? Is there much diversity in your school? What types of people do you encounter playing sports, doing community service, playing an instrument, etc.? What jobs, if any, have you had? Have you traveled much? What types of people have you encountered in your travels? What communities have been most dominant in your life? How are they diverse? How has this shaped you? Brainstorm by answering these questions. Once you get the thoughts flowing, something will emerge, and you will want to keep writing about it.

Essay 2: Please explain any obstacles you have overcome due to your neighborhood and/or community circumstances. (500 words).

Have you ever come up against any obstacles in your neighborhood? In your family? At school? On any team? In any group you're a part of? Have you been part of a disagreement? Has there been a shortage of funding for a community service organization? Have you stood witness to instances of prejudice? What are the difficult things you and your friends/peers/colleagues have had to deal with? Jot down a few, and then start to consider how, exactly, you overcame them. What did you learn from overcoming each obstacle?

Hope this helps. Best of luck with this difficult but rewarding admissions process!

Kind regards,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editor

Undergraduate / Psychology? U of Colorado, Boulder: Optional Personal Essay [2]

Hello,

Upon reading this essay, the first question that comes to mind is: have you covered this information in other essays you are submitting to UC Boulder? To what degree is the content of this optional essay redundant? If the essay is optional, I would a) recommend doing it; spotlight as many dynamic aspects of yourself as possible in this application, and b) ask you to focus on new information and avoid repeating content from elsewhere in your application.

Your story is an interesting one, but this rendition tends to drag on a bit. I would encourage you to focus on condensing the exposition (the logistics of how one step led to the next) and deepening the analysis. The admissions committee does not need a detailed biography or history of events -- what they would benefit from is an essay rich in opinion, point of view, and analysis of life events. For example, what was it like growing up in Bahrain? Did your parents try to prevent you from leaving? Was the transition seamless? Or did you encounter difficulty in your moves to India and Florida? How did these major life choices impact your view of psychology. What do you make of the different treatment of psychology in each of these places? By pushing your analysis, you will endow your story with wonderful depth.

Finally, you can completely do without the last paragraph. You write, "I am a devoted student with a strong appetite for knowledge, with academic and extra-curricular flair. Thus far, I have been able to maintain a good academic record..." This is likely true of most applicants. It is also very general. Rather than writing in broad strokes, make your presentation as specific as possible. This way your work will be compelling and memorable to the reader. What makes you different than the other devoted students? Why are you special among all the people with academic and extra-curricular flair? Who are you and how will you add to the UC Boulder community? Be specific.

Hope this helps. Best of luck with this difficult but rewarding admissions process. Keep up the good work!

Kind regards,
Brooke

Writing Feedback / Trafficking in human beings - My 500-words essay [7]

Hi Tamara! Is this the 'choose an issue of international importance and explain why it matters to you' essay? It would be helpful to know the prompt in order to advise you on this piece.

Undergraduate / What can you contribute to our school (but I have nothing to contribute)? [5]

Dear 'terriblewriting,'

I completely agree with 'twizzlestraw,' and also think we might have to check into a more unique user name. Ha! In all seriousness, every applicant has something to contribute. It's a matter of positioning. Some other things to think about:

-where are you from, and how might your cultural background or geography give you a unique point of view?
-what about life experiences which have shaped your perspective?
-twizzlestraw's suggestion to draw from one of your passions is great!

I would say 'a desire to learn' should be the last option--AdComs expect intellectual curiosity, and they want to hear what makes you special here. In my opinion, a specific talent isn't even as persuasive as some of the more abstract concepts above, which all speak to your ability to really change the community of which you are part for the better. Use this essay to give more depth to your application and reveal who you are. I'm positive you have a tremendous amount to offer.

If you'd like to bounce some other ideas off of us, please let us know!

Best,
Brooke

Scholarship / SMU Hunt Scholarship Essay-- How should I start???? [7]

Hi Erica,

This is a good start, especially the following:

"However, I have come to realize that leadership is not all about being the boss. The essence of leadership is about contributing to the whole group, the willingness to serve others and most importantly, the drive to accept social responsibility."

I love your definition of leadership. Of course, to make it more powerful and give your essay a stronger sense of momentum, I might start with a story (e.g. senior graduation committee anecdote) that demonstrates how you came to learn this definition. This paragraph feels more like the kernel of a strong conclusion, when you reflect on what you have accomplished and learned as a young leader.

Is the limit for this essay truly 2-3 pages? That seems slightly long. Anyway, if you can confirm the length, and provide us with more content, we can help you to think about how (and how much) to expand on this topic, and potential frameworks.

Best of luck!!!!!

All best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / Common App essay - writing about computer games! [6]

Hi Dat!

Great work with this essay. I LOVE your topic. I think it's highly relevant, and your point of view is fresh and interesting. That being said, I think there are a few key ways you can improve upon this essay:

-Mechanics: There are a number of mechanical problems that persist in your writing:

"D4 - center or entertainment, consists of hundreds computer, always looks like a heaven to our students. I could hear many bustling and boisterous sounds, totally different from the monotonous and boring sound of the school bell."

Sentence 1 should read, "The D4 Center consists of hundreds of computers, and is a virtual haven (or heaven) for students." In sentence 2,'boring' is a 'boring' adjective, and the word 'sound' should not be repeated. These mechanical (and stylistic) issues are minor, but if corrected, will give your writing sophistication.

-Content Development: You write:

"...playing game rescues me from despair and tension, inspires for learning and working, and expands creativity and knowledge in specific area. One more important thing, not all of gamers have a hopeless life. Some stress after a final exam, breaking up with boy or girlfriends or even a sudden sadness when they don't know what to do can be the reason why they play comp games to seek relief and comfort. Yet some people consider these reasons quibbled, even silly and absurd. But it is even more ridiculous when they call all gamers the one who escape from reality."

This paragraph is somewhat contradictory--you mention that some people believe gamers 'game' to escape their gloomy existence, then later confirm that games 'rescue you from despair and tension.' Be careful here. Can you expand on how gaming inspires creativity and learning, and provides a welcome tension release? There is an interesting, clever case to be made here.

-Framework/Structure: I think your structure is just about perfect. Your final paragraph--discussing the culture of gaming and how it is inherently positive and innocuous--is very thoughtful and reflective. I think you can do a better job at bringing your essay 'full circle' though:

"Yet, the most crucial thing is how to balance the time spending in playing games and in other activities. In a metaphorical way, life is a game with rules and objectives that everyone has to follow and attain."

If life is a game with rules and objectives--how has virtual gaming prepared you for real life? Your ability to draw comparisons here can give your essay even more dimension and analytical heft.

Great work so far!!!!

Sincerely,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing