Posts by meisj0n

meisj0n

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The sky was clear' - CU Boulder Flagship Essay [3]

feedback about intro, too much arty words that don't lead to where to what you want to talk about.
I really like how you are writing with a Christian hand (from word choice), it's different. :]

It blessed me with multiple opportunities to lead and mature, and I truly believe that the lessons and situations I experienced overseas demonstrate the skills and assets I can bring to enrich CU's diverse and academic atmosphere.

this is your main point. Maybe you can put more towards this. Use more words to describe things toward that end.
extreme patience, try for something better worded/phrased.
I'm interested in how you put together a worship team without a worship team? haha, talk about that.
I like that you mention the part about relationships, but take out the large numbers.

Overall, story is good. the enrich part... about you being open to ppl...that's a plus, I think you do a good job with the first para about the lessons. However, can you fit that more closely with the prompt?

meisj0n

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / Recently, I found a little "Introducing Myself" card that I made in first grade. Bill Gates II [8]

Are you twelve years old? wow. I like the beginning: it shows a lot about your world at the age of seven to who you are now. you put yourself in quite a negative light talking about playing games... I'm not sure why you mention that.

Beginning here, I begin to lose you: "However, at the time when I was living in the virtual world, it suddenly came to me that computer technology had hit its maximum height already, that there is no room for any new invention or further advancement. I came to a decision that I will be forced to stay as a "user," not a "creator," - that I will never be able to become Bill Gates II. It struck me hard. " Is this the recent you, looking at the card? The two you.s seem to blend together, which leaves me confused. Maybe you are saying that while you were so enamored by computers, you made your realization that you would not be able to create, but only be a user... If that's the case, work on the transition/realization there... (so it is.. work on that)

Also, your paragraphs are not structured...

So reading this, I don't see much of your world... other than you being disillusioned by technology, then coming to America and finding facebook, Google, etc.. Maybe say what is was about these that made you think so differently than before. What about the internet is so unlimited?

Your ending is strong, as in strongly worded, but I find it too striking for my liking. I don't entirely see your analogy with the pen. What do you mean? Maybe take the essay to a different direction

meisj0n

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / "Do mi so mi do." I sang with the piano, not missing one note. [8]

.I can't say i cried after reading this, but it is a good essay.

"Whereas swamped in resentment, I blinded to good aspects in life. Lin accepted my correctness not as criticism, so she could always sing with a cheerful heart."

edit to: >
I, however, was swamped with resentment, and blind to the good aspects of life. Lin accepted my corrections as not criticism, and could always sing with a cheerful heart.

I like the poetic form of this essay. It shows a lot of personal progress, a lot of imagery in showing what you were able to achieve and where you have been without explicitly stating the events.

meisj0n

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Grandma's forte' - UC 1: Family's Influence on Business [3]

1. don't bump.
"And another question, do both of the UC personal statements have to amount up to exactly 1000 words", no, just max is 1000.
overall comment, I like your story, the world your present, but I do see your difficulty in answering the last part of the prompt. you do mention that you want to study business, and that you have tried to interject with your parents your ideas about running the business, but make that vein clearer, a stronger parallel in your essay. that will also show the development of how this world shaped your dreams. Regarding aspirations, what are your aspirations.. Think about it for a while. Why really are you studying? why business? is it because of a sense of regret, of community pride, or even of wanting to help other people? Good luck, madluck.

I find the first question you pose, about why you are proud of your grandmother appropriate, but I'm confused about the tone of the second:

"How do I make my grandmother proud of me to make up for all the lost time I could have had with her?"

The paragraph about "The economy makes it difficult for my own..." is strange, it shows you're trying to act up, and talk to you parents about something you see about their business.. but I actually like it... good job.

I like this too: "My parents' lack of success in their business has piqued my interest in the business field."
edit: is what I want to know.

Regarding the closing of your essay, "All the times I did not spend with my grandmother should be made up in the form of achievements that will make Grandma proud. I will help out the family in any way I can with the knowledge I have earned and my position as the first born in the family." I can clearly see your world, and the beginning of your conclusion is strong, but these last two sentences are lacking something. I get the notion that you have regrets of not talking to your grandmother more, which you don't bring to a positive light. "the knowledge I have earned" sounds off to me.

meisj0n

Jun 13, 2011

Writing Feedback / Is image more powerful than the written word? - ielts [5]

that has been used*
you can combine sentences to make the ideas clearer and more thought out
I do see a main point, or I think I do, so this is going in the right direction

"With only pictures, everyone is left to their own interpretation on how they perceive the images" < I like this a lot. Good point

the primary way of educating students is also by this way.< what way?
image to exemplify and words to describe a particular subject. > images to*

Cheers~

meisj0n

Jun 13, 2011

Writing Feedback / Essay paper: Do you think it is possible to end extreme poverty. If so, how? [6]

some thoughts, try combining ideas in your sentences together to make longer sentences

you say a lot about what we are doing with money, and about several issues, but you don't talk about extreme poverty until later in the essay. What you say about the US economy and military spending does not necessarily mean that EXTREME poverty can end. Make sure that is clearer.

you spend the first "half" talking about real world examples, but the second part is more theoretical, and somewhat rhetorical. try to merge them together, < just a thought.

try not to use "we," "you," "us," etc in your essay. It depends who the paper is written to, but if this is an academic paper, or a persuasive paper, keep it third person.

you've got lots of ideas, especially apparent in the list of first, second, third, etc, but I think you need to explain how it's applicable

meisj0n

Nov 11, 2010

Undergraduate / "Flying Solo" + "Control Tower" - UC talent, contribution, experience [3]

I enjoyed the read for the first prompt. I was a tad confused about

I checked my luggage and found my seat number, 32E.

but I guess it makes sense.
You do address the prompt well.
maybe try to explain the first here:

At first, it did not seem that I had the courage to travel alone, but I soon learned that the risk taught me a lot about myself.

unless the risks were culture shock, new culture, new place, smooth flight, etc
was there another risk involved?, one that was personal? Hm, I guess your choice to visit your uncle was your risk. Makes sense.

caption wings

what are those?

Living in a community, where the 4.0 GPA and the Ivy League universities are the ultimate goals, I obviously have a lot of competition.

Can you phrase this differently?

This call for extensive studies and hardly any free time is my ultimate result. Thus, the restricting atmosphere has caused my downfall.

what do you mean?

My dream of becoming a licensed pilot is more than a goal in life~~, but~~-- it also provides me with the motivation I need to get passed any obstacle.

My environment made me realize this life lesson, and through its oppression, it has molded me to a more well-around person.

I don't quite follow. your oppression was the pressure to get a high gpa and go to an ivy? I guess you can say how you blended the two things into your life. (1. I'm not sure what you incorporated from both 2. I don't see what you did with that obstacle.) Try to write this part out more clearly

Cheers~

meisj0n

Sep 18, 2010

Graduate / PS for petroleum engineering graduate program in UTA [6]

i dont have much to comment on, but maybe change outstanding capa.. to outstanding drive to...
explain a bit more why you label yourself a NeoDarwinist
don't just leave it at "introduce me to"... association sounds stand-off-ish too
a little more energy would look nice. If you can link the idea of salt in the last paragraph, or keep it a theme throughout, that would strengthen that first quote.

Later that year, facing a university application form, I chose to major in petroleum engineering without hesitation.

Later that year, as I faced a ..., <Since I commented on that, I guess you should look over the wording. The

Having majored in the petroleum engineering in Southwest Petroleum University，which owns the first-class petroleum engineering speciality, for almost four years. I not only learnt a great deal of specialized knowledge, which include, engineering mechanics, oil reservoir physics, heat and mass transfer, petroleum logging, engineering fluid mechanics, oil production engineering, etc, but also knew that because of the information explosion and globalization, a variety of high-technology derived from different places all around the world have been or will be employed for petroleum industry.

< long run-on. Make sure you connect your modifiers with the subject.
Ex.. Having eaten a pancake, I was full. NOT Having eaten a pancake, early this morning, I was full. When you write like this, rearrange the noun to go after who did what. I hope this makes sense.

meisj0n

Sep 11, 2010

Undergraduate / A Small Step on the Other Side (Who am I? paragraph) [3]

but it will always give me something to enhance for.

I seemed as if I were to be a person who could fit in,

<try rephrasing these two. What do you mean I seemed as if...?

Whether it's to run my own business or work with animals.

incomplete thought. combine? it with the previous sentence.

My beliefs still remain the same,

Being open-minded and being the same... do they work together? I guess they could, if you were open minded to begin with, but you say you have become more so. that last part of the sentence, open minded to see other * points of view in addition to my own. You have an incomplete thought there with "giving..."

You lower-cased Christian...

About this, what is the "other side"? I understand the "who am I" part of the prompt, or so I think I do. However, I don't get the flow of ideas from you tried to fit in, then you now "walk the walk." I assume you are talking about your Christian walk, but I really can not say...

I'm getting several different vibes from this paragraph. You tried to fit in. That did not work. You became a Christian. Your views changed. You now live life going through new experiences. Your spiritual life is about goals? > running a business? Being open minded, yet keeping the same beliefs. I am truly puzzled.

Try to outline how Christianity has really affected your life. Then put it together as a coherent work about yourself. (did you answer the prompt?)

meisj0n

Sep 1, 2010

Undergraduate / 'my promotion in the church' - UC prompt (personal quality, accomplishment,..) [5]

Hi

Basically I am a very simple person and friendly, and I enjoy being well-rounded.

About this, everyone would "enjoy" being well-rounded.
About the way you write, I will not say it is bad, but for a college admissions essay, you don't have to list out what you did, what you know, how you are, etc. Don't give them a "plethora" of different skills. TELL them about one, or just a couple, and be sure to answer the prompt. You say how you are, with all those great qualities you have, but I think colleges are looking at how you can show them through an essay who you are by the way you acted/dealt with the situations/accomplishments you experienced by telling your readers about those/that experience.

From what you have here, possible themes are pursuit of excellence/ academic rigor/

commitment, sincerity and hard work are becoming my life principles.

However, try to focus more. If you really feel strongly about that church experience, talk about that. I can tell that you have a lot to talk about.

I like how you are so open about these qualities being basics, but again, try to take some events out. Choose, maybe one or two of those things listed in the prompt, and write/tell more about that.

~Cheers

meisj0n

Sep 1, 2010

Writing Feedback / Influence of past achievements is necessary for making a significant contribution [3]

How is your vocabulary poor? you are writing on the meanings behind words- pioneer. I somewhat disagree that they are not influenced by past achievements, because one thing always leads to another.. I guess you can phrase it that there are people who start and/or develop their own fields, which are not influenced in such a way.

Q about calculus, was it invented, or discovered? :< I guess it's possible to invent math, though it sounds funny.
About the last sentence on serendipitous discovery, I somewhat but I don't really get the connection. What did you mean by intended field?
I really like that mention of donations, though it somewhat begs the question of what is a "significant contribution."

I like this essay, though I somewhat disagree. But I guess from previous discussions, debatable papers are GOOD papers.
Cheers, (maybe I should go read undergrad admission papers, someone pm me to start :D)

meisj0n

Aug 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

Interesting dilemma. I think many of us have faced similar ones. Welcome to the Contributor corner by the way. I've been busy and haven't had much time here.

There are a few things that don't really fit.

I replied with contempt,

"Yeah. I figured if you want to live that way, it would be fine with me.

I felt a suspicious tap on my shoulder.

Try changing the wording.

So the ethical dilemma is cheating, but there was also the turning her in thing. Also, the righteous anger. You have a nice mix here and yea, I do agree it is tough to cut things out

meisj0n

Aug 19, 2010

Undergraduate / Congressional Appointment Essay: The Most Serious Issue Facing our Military Today [3]

I believe the most serious issue facing our military today is

just a thing about answering prompts, you don't have to repeat the prompt. Just answer, and directly state the most pressing "issue" that it faces.

Could go like this: The US is currently unable to adequately protect its interests against Russia and their allies, such as Iran and Venezuela. This situation presents a troubling dilemma of national security/military defense/something... < see how you can avoid repeating the Q? and make a strong point. However, I don't understand what you mean by "interests against Russia..."

and they are among the

and is* among the

some of the* best US warfare capabilities.
look over this> rewrite it make sense

allies who are can use same to

losses than we've ever been unwilling to accept.

I like how you connect the evidence of Russia's "warfare capabilities" with the claim at the end. One thing, try to connect the power issue with how Russia's military has another resource at its hands. Something about how it has the energy and the military might to place the US in a rock and a hard spot of another possible Cold War\

Cheers

meisj0n

Aug 16, 2010

Writing Feedback / GRE:ISSUE218 - "In order for any work of art-whether film, literature, sculpture, [4]

Hello~ and welcome to our wonderful world :D

~~As far as I am concerned,~~

Wordy

For that it is those previously nonmainstream forms of art that had ultimately altered and pushed forward the art.

continue this with the previous sentence. Otherwise, it ~~would seem to appear to be~~IS an incomplete phrase/clause.

I guess your way of writing and elucidating your ideas is simply different from mine.

we can safely assume that it is in possession of some kind of value to people.

Can you say, "we can safely assume that has some value to some people"?

For example, the king of pop, Michael Jackson, who had stayed on the top of the best-sellers for decades, was world-known because his music was understandable to most people.

I want to point this out simply because you have too many commas in there. You could rephrase it, "For example, Michael Jackson, who had stayed on the top of the best-sellers <list?> for decades, was world-known as the king of pop because..."

other notes about this paragraph, I don't understand your usage of the - (dash?) in the last sentence; I don't quite understand the reasoning, and if I do, it's rather roundabout. You're saying MJ's music has value because people can associate with it, but you're not saying it directly.

does it necessarily has the merit to bring people joy and happiness?

Are you making up a new question?
So I get your idea, which is a good thing, but you're quite vitriolic towards the subject:

irresponsible writers who will do anything for their survival.

I assume you are inferring p0rn/drugs? if you don't pinpoint it down to something specific, you'll be throwing flames where you don't want to...

I'm confused what you mean by "considerations"

and altered the world.

I hope this is true; he may have changed the art world...

So, in consideration of your essay written here, I understand your overall thesis, but try to make it clearer in the introduction. I like the use of examples. Talk more about them, especially about the latter ones. Also, make sure tenses are consistent. Singular subjects with singular verbs, plural with plural.

The most important issue you have to work on is making sure you don't trip yourself. Answer the question asked. Don't make overly strong remarks without supporting them. You did support a few, but others were left with little supportive reasoning.

Cheers

meisj0n

Aug 16, 2010

Letters / College Resume...I am having difficulty understanding the exact formulation [7]

some notes:
you don't have to bullet each quality. and on the actual resume, that wastes space. About your spacing, don't overdo it. spread the sections out evenly. Back to "competencies," those seem fine for college.. Other possible things, humor/ability to work with others

About your school, you could specify any special/honors programs if those apply. also consider placing your GPA if you want/ deem it respectable

About volunteer hours, you don't have to place ALL your activities onto paper. However, all those charity related hours do look nice < they all have a theme.

O. Activities, you can take this place to elaborate more about what you did as a leader or what those activities are. Could also be a bit, but not overly, informative about what you did.

What is DECA?
I'm guessing for the last three, those "-..." are awards/honors? Leave a section for those aside from Activities to make it look cleaner.

If you still have room to fit this all in ONE page (the usual length of a student resume..with some margin formatting/font adjustments) add hobbies at the end, what position you are looking for at the front, ie. Under/graduate studies in ___ Major (if applicable) at a four/two year university/college.

Last thing, but I guess it should be the first, make sure your name/contact info is clearly visible. up top or somewhere nice. i like the top.

Cheers

edit:

even a mayonnaise jar you're having trouble opening,

I like it ^^ humor

meisj0n

Aug 13, 2010

Essays / Issue of importance essay - should it be related to our major? [5]

Just a note about essays. While it looks nice when you can combine your major/career goals into an essay, it is not necessary. I would be in awe if you could write how alleviating poverty in your community connects with your future major.

As long as you adequately answer the prompt, I think that should be good. About Prompt A for UT, is that a more personal essay?

meisj0n

Aug 12, 2010

Dissertations / Stuck on p-values and I just dont seem to get them (dissertation question). [5]

Still can't see the article. I registered and all. I am now a "Nutrition Faculty" :] but I still have to subscribe to view the article... I'll email

meisj0n

Aug 11, 2010

Dissertations / Stuck on p-values and I just dont seem to get them (dissertation question). [5]

post the link to the page/stats/article here.

meisj0n

Aug 10, 2010

Writing Feedback / My Dad; He always stands by my side - A Person That Has Influenced My Life [7]

Well, not everyone can read it, but we try. So here's to start off. I won't work on grammar too much.

The person that has influenced my life is my dad because he is the one that get to know me best and is also the one that I see the most and have known for a long time.

Try to change this first sentence around a bit. Make it more concise/ eye catching
"to buy anything that I need," I like how you wrote need* and not want.

thought that my dad is really superman.

maybe rephrase to say that he is your superman because of all he had done for you. You could even use this idea in the first sentence because the last two sentences of the paragraph are split from the rest by this one.

important thing* <fix typo

He showed me that every bad situation in the world began with a lie.

I wish life was that simple.
A bit of advice about paragraphs.. I like the second one. It has an interesting format. However, try to vary how you start out your paragraphs, especially the third and fourth ones. About the third, it looks way too long without even reading it. Try to shorten. Give fewer stories, but more analysis of how your dad taught you honesty and selflessness. How did it really affect you? Why was his advice more valuable than other people's?

I could see more the impact of his teaching during the camp when we ran out of resources, and I shared my personal food with all my campmates.

<not necessary. The paragraph is sufficient with the info already. Try to take out some unnecessary info/story from it.

I believe that my dad will always be with me even after his soul leaves his body;

-.- I'm did not expect this in an essay..

He taught me everything about life; hope, faith, and the long journey ahead. To me he is the greatest hero.

So let us go over what you wrote. Make sure you are convinced about what you have written. This last quote, really? I see how being truthful can prepare you for a long journey ahead. But faith? Hope? I don't see that in the essay. I see that that he taught you the importance of education, of being honest, of being generous.. all of which are great things to learn. However, try to link those together to show how he really was your hero.

Cheers

meisj0n

Aug 8, 2010

Undergraduate / "hand-picked" for a career: honestly critique my admissions essay [3]

About the first paragraph, it sounds nice and all, but not for a college entrance essay. Try to see if you can make it not a question, but a more personal statement about sociology and counseling.

I often ponder if my deep affection for the subjects was the result of the many adolescent years I spent only existing?

I don't quite get the last part of this sentence. Clarify
Who is Dr. Burns? encamped sounds strange. you don't have to capitalize low self-esteem

Descending from an African American Heritage; we as a whole are commonly of a more voluptuous weight; we're adorned with darker shades of skin, with larger lips and even funny accents.

Again, I am puzzled. you place clauses together to describe, is it yourself?

Ok, I finished reading through the essay, and I now see what you tried to say. My advice for you, clarify what event, experience, or accomplishment you went through. Connect who you are with what you experienced. Unless you are truly affected by your ethnicity and its stereotypes, you don't have to state them here. You don't truly answer all of the prompt. Remember to look back at it when you write

meisj0n

Aug 5, 2010

Undergraduate / What are the achievements and experience that defined you as a person? (family) [5]

I am the ~~kind of~~ person ~~who~~ I am today because of my grandmother ~~who had raised me.~~ . And as I grew, more people influenced me like my nanny, my family, my friends, my teachers and other more.

Most of this is unnecessary wordiness. About the last sentence, you don't need to inform the reader of that.

I first met my dad at age 5; he gave me everything that I wanted, but my grandmother gave me more; she gave me her time.

I like this sentence. You could, if you wanted, use it as a first sentence. Change the second semi-colon to a dash.

It may look like another story of a broken family, but it is more than that.

Instead of writing this, why not write something personal, about how that apparently broken family defined who you are?

it was also when I started to become very conscious with my projects and grades and as far as I can remember, I started burning the midnight oil at 2nd grade.

Interesting expression. About all this about your maturity, try to make it more to the point.

I somewhat agree with Longwen, but I still have some hope for your writing. There are a lot of idea in there. Try to narrow some down and again, as said above~

Cheers~

meisj0n

Jul 25, 2010

Grammar, Usage / Tips on writing more effectively (visit the link) [8]

They emphasize the willingness of a second party to even make an effort at understanding your message.

I didn't quite catch this, but everything before sounds very clear.

overabundance of vague intensifiers (e.g. really, very, greatly)

hehe
I need to work on this

rendering an incoherent thought

rendering a thought incoherent*?
use a fancy word in a humorous/iresome way. I know I sometimes do that. Question to you, what do you suggest as the limit to using words intentionally for multiple meanings? I sometimes do that to allow the sentence to have two or more meanings, which both are viable.

"This hub is not published, only you can see it." < I get that there's misuse of the comma, which could also be a modifier issue. I didn't quite understand what you meant though.

Hehe. Revisions :] Cheers~

Note: Strange. This thread got deleted:? second time today

meisj0n

Jul 25, 2010

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing ---to what extent do you agree or disagree? modern or old building ? [3]

Looking just at a few sentences here and there, overall, it looks very nice. some notes-

Regarding whether traditional buildings should replaced by the contemporary buildings brings the negative and positive influence is much concerned to a point where a wide discussion has been aroused.

Quite a long sentence. I had to read it a couple times to understand what I think you meant. You don't place your own opinion until the end of that paragraph. This is not a bad practice, but keep it to the point. You don't have to say that this question brings about a discussion over two different influences... that IS what the question does already. Try to shorten.

it is ~~such~~ an

Not quite sure what to change, but I think deleting that "such" works

At last,

Not the best transition, fish for another one (look for another one)

another idea to add- some older buildings have better, sturdier materials that are not made factory style and destroying them would be a waste, as well as a change for cheaper materials that may not last as long

meisj0n

Jul 25, 2010

Undergraduate / Experiences...Accomplishments...Experiences - College admission essay [6]

Hi Ann (this was in response to the first thread you made?)
Comment on your first two lines: they address the prompt, but in answer to the question you pose, and possibly leave for later to answer, No experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized are not the same.

aren't they the things that define us as a person?

leave the contraction out and then rearrange to fix the grammar for are not they... about the use of the phrase "us a a person," parallel fix needed

the best-est

Try to avoid the use of words such as these (they are not grammatically correct)

Things we do ~~does~~ not only affects the place we are living in but they also affect out personality.

Based on this paragraph about "best-est" people, try to reconnect your ideas with answering the prompt.

Let me share to you an experience that had changed my life to better one.

Try to avoid these in-text references to your essay

It happened not long ago, about 4 months actually.

And if possible, make your point with as few words as possible
About this experience, I believe you can write a lot more about it. Write down what really happened. Jot down notes about what you did and organize it to show in a more clarified way, how that experience (not an accomplishment, at least I would not categorize it as one) defines who YOU are

I had learn that pessimists are always right

(but they are NOT always right :/ )

Achievements are accomplishments and therefore having knowledge is an accomplishment.

You're making a round-about explanation about that accomplishment=experience issue. Is it really necessary? Maybe obtaining knowledge in this case can be an accomplishment, yes, but the experience is different from what your achieved. You acquired knowledge, which is an achievement, but you still don't place experience in there somewhere.

knowledge comes first then experience trails by.

This sentence also kills the comparison. You're saying 'I obtained knowledge. Obtaining knowledge is an achievement. An achievement is an accomplishment. Knowledge is separate from experience. Knowledge and experience are education(al). But you don't complete the loop and prove your point from your first line >_.

When deficient experience is gained, we go for more experience and gain it at some point. Once we have reached the status of experienced, accomplishments have also been made.

I don't follow your train of thought.

A lot of this seems like it was written stream-of-consciousness.

meisj0n

Jul 1, 2010

Undergraduate / 'flourish in this challenging world' How family, culture influenced who you are? [5]

Hi Nicky

My first Q: where/what is UCF? UC Florida?

First para, too much about family points. nothing really about how it has affected you... points are strong. Ending of that para is ok.. selling yourself is nice. but keep out the sob story and explain how, more like tell how, it has changed you.

Since you mention mother in para 2, talk more about her. something that may be different from other applicants. she's your mom. your only mom.

If I received any grade lower than a B it was unacceptable in her eyes.

But please, take that out. You're NOT going to school to please her. It's your own education and you're not putting that in good light.

Aside from education I've had an extreme passion

I like how it pops up in para two. New paragraph needed or information adjusted. And that's it. dancing ended. then random activities that have nada to do with the prompt. To make an analogy, you are dancing with Adcoms to get into their school/college/university. don't halt to an end with the question on hand and try to suck up to them. Won't work well, I promise you. I don't think stats helps all that much either.

meisj0n

Jun 17, 2010

Writing Feedback / It is a paragraph, Are Zoos morally wrong? [10]

Hi Nesreen

I like the sample of information you present. Is this supposed to be an essay? or a paragraph?

I think you need to clarify that morally, it is not wrong to keep animals at a zoo despite the fact that they are penned up in captivity. If possible talk more about how zoos improve people's sense of responsibility.

many endangered* animals ... to stay* alive and live peacefully, a* zoo
you can somewhat improve your conclusion, but overall, your argument makes sense. just try to make it stronger. how does what you presented relate to the MORAL issue?

meisj0n

Jun 6, 2010

Writing Feedback / "global warming will result to numerous changes" - essay needs editing [4]

Hi Kiki

will resultto numerous changes in the environment

in* numerous ...to* the..

It is clear that the warming of the Earth's atmosphere will result to numerous changes in the environment if not reduced now

Swap the "if not.." to the beginning of the sentence. It is clear that if not reduced now, the warming of ...

With global warming increasing, it may lead to disease, extreme weather, species affected and sea levels rising.

keep the series parallel. (keep the tense the same)

When the atmosphere warms, the surface of the ocean and land ~~may~~ also warm.

As the*

Sea levels will begin to rise in low-lying areas, causing flooding and land to disappear forever.

Here the second clause modifies the wrong noun. Move "in low-lying areas" to the front of the sentence.
Also, within the paragraph, you change tense, from conditional, to present, to future. try to be a little more consistent if you can.
also, even though some people are speculative about global warming does not mean that you must take the "this may happen. that may occur" stance. assert your own opinion by taking out the may. unless, of course, you don't agree with global warming.

another thing, you can split the first paragraph into several smaller paragraphs, each dealing with a more specific point instead of going back and forth between natural disaster/flooding/natural disaster/flooding. from what you have here, you can organize into the effects of global warming on the glaciers/atmosphere, effects on the water levels and increase flooding, effects on the environments near/that need water, and effects from increased disease, with each general effect having its own paragraph. Bring together the quotes inside those paragraphs to better flush out your thoughts.

Such as mosquitoes and other insects are beginning to change location meaning, in which they are beginning to adapt in new areas.

incomplete clause.

Today 45 percent of the world's people live where they might get bitten by a mosquito carrying the parasite that causes malaria; that percentage may increase to 60 percent if temperatures rise.

good info. do you have a source for those percentages?

At this rate is increasing everyday and must be declined before anymore problems occur.

As* this...(incomplete sentence?)

are happening quickly

quicker*

even occurring now when it says: "However, the vast majority of scientists, especially those that have a strong knowledge in climate and related areas have concluded that rapid and dramatic changes are just around the corner, and some of this change is already occurring."All of these climate change effects are indirectly related to global warming.

why this quote here? it does not quite flow well. also, indirect would be like, i killed a fly; a lizard lost its dinner and died. i killed to lizard indirectly. however, if i find the lizard and hit its head with a stick, i have directly killed it. here, those climate changes are direct results of global warming, but the side effects, flooding, spread of disease, etc are indirect

make a stronger stance towards global warming, and re-organize.
good luck~ cheers

meisj0n

May 24, 2010

Student Talk / SAT Site, a website for getting exams and books for free? [14]

sat.collegeboard.com/practice should have a lot of information about SAT 1 -Reasoning Test

There are also unofficial tests, such as Kaplan, Barron's, Princeton Review, etc, google SAT practice test ;]

meisj0n

May 23, 2010

Essays / Good Books for Personal Essay Writing? [5]

Well, some books like Tooth and Nail are really interesting and have vocab. I'm not really sure what books can help with personal essays, but you could look up essays here on this site. Search through the Undergraduate Forum and I bet you'll see many good essays.

meisj0n

May 22, 2010

Writing Feedback / Technology, one offspring of science, is a world of imagination being made true [7]

Sufficing this to say, the virtual world, to some extends, is not worthless.

to some extent* :?

Interesting way of approaching the prompt. placing down arguments for the assertive and then disproving them. Still, I think you can add much more than what you have written. Because you can write well, write more. Make your thoughts more complete in order to argue for you claim better.

So, in all this great writing, I did find it a bit hard to follow, because while you do use more than sufficient commas, there are some sentence that are left without them. Interesting style of writing I must agree though. Somewhat has that archaic feel to it, which, though complex, is really unique.

meisj0n

May 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Memories of a teacher from elementary school. [2]

Hi

Parents and teacher play important role ...

Comments: Try to have less about the general statements about teachers in the beginning unless you talk much about those later. The sentence about On the other hand... maybe that is your main point? If not, shorten it. Try not to restate the prompt verbatim. Try working on a stronger last sentence. Maybe something about what you learned, like a thesis of sorts.

When I was in elementary school, I use to be very shy and was not at all confident. In spite of being decently talented in field of education, art, music etc I never muster enough courage to present my talent in front of a group of people or fellow students. My parents always forced me to participate in competitions held in school and I always escaped from such participations. Mrs Mathew's teacher of my fourth grade somehow noticed my weakness of not willing to present my talent.

Could shorten this part of the paragraph to the main point: you were talented but shy and your fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Mathew, noticed.

whatever I am intended to do.

whatever I intended* to

me in moving towards my goal.

me move towards*

Since then I am able

I have been* able

Confidence in ones self is something which always helps to pave a way in a path of difficult situation and achieve success in life.

This could be a topic sentence idea. The next sentences about trusting in your own abilities, etc could be shortened a bit.

but what I came to know ~~form~~from other staff of the department was that he wanted some other student as his project advisee and I was allotted to him as his advisee.

So this professor wanted to have a person to advise? What do you mean by advisee?

At on hand lessons of a fourth grade teacher helps me to overcome my weaknesses and fight back all the tough situations in my life, on the other hand there are memories of a teachers which always fills my heart with feeling of agony.

On the one hand,* lessons of...helped* in my life, while* on the other, memories of another teacher always fills*.
This would be the more comparison part, but in your conclusion, you don't truly say what you learned from these experiences other than Mrs. Mathew. You don't say what you learned from the other teacher.

She is being acknowledged and will always be acknowledged by me for that.

What do you mean she is being acknowledged? That she is being acknowledged in this essay and that you acknowledge her "[awakening] joy in creative expression and knowledge"?

Is the teacher Mathew? or Mathews?

Good luck. Cheers~

meisj0n

May 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Multinational student body / national diversification - personal statement [5]

Hi

"Another reason to seek admission is the university's multinational student body. That is very important to me because I am a representative of a foreign nation myself. "
or
"Another reason to seek admission here is the national diversification of the student population, this will make me feel more comfortable on campus since I am a representative of a foreign nation myself."

I guess you could be struggling with the disconnect between the two sentences? Or the Another reason part, or the myself part.. anyways, here are some possible alternatives. I hope they don't skew the sentence too much:

The university's student body was another attractive factor because as a foreign student, such a diverse group of peers would definitely be a plus.

The university's diverse student body was another reason I want to attend _such_and_such_university_ because I know interacting with such a group will give me the freedom to truly learn.

Just a Question though, what's the prompt for the personal statement? If this part of the prompt fits better in context, maybe you could post the other parts too. Good luck!

Cheers~

meisj0n

May 21, 2010

Student Talk / SAT Site, a website for getting exams and books for free? [14]

Exam and books? If you are looking for previous International Baccalaureate tests, you can always search for them through the general codes on top of the tests.

freeexampapers.com/Dndex.php?d=SUI= < this may help for languages

Yea, I'm not sure what type of "exam"

meisj0n

May 21, 2010

Writing Feedback / It is easy to welcome innovation and accept new ideas [3]

Sorry, but what's the prompt:?

This assertion actually consist of two claims, that it is easy for people to accept the new innovation and ideas, that people, who welcome innovation and accept new ideas, are not willing to accepting the way of new ideas being put into practice.

So to clarify this, try not to place both claims in one sentence. It's harder to understand. Also, when typing, or writing in general, don't use too many commas, or the sentence gets overly confusing.

influencing there life.

their* lives*

I guess, since you are addressing these two claims separately, to either use quotations to place them apart, or state them each as an independent clause or single sentence. That way, it is much clearer what you are trying to say.

These ideas, violating the principles that the Church believing in for hundreds of years, eventually caused Bruno being hanged in front of the Church.

cause Bruno to be*
good. you get the construction of hanged* here :] yay

Martin Luther King Jr, as a great social and political leader, led the "March on Washington", gave the speech "I have a dream" in front of Lincoln Monument, and raised public consciousness of the civil rights movement, who has been treated one of the greatest orator in American history.

again, there is the comma issue. the last part is the one that needs to be fixed. It was not the civil rights movement who was the orator. it was MLK. the phrase you wrote modified the movement, not the person. confusing? ask around for clarification

Consider, for example, people who accept that ideas of nuclear of technology being used in the war, will not agree that any kind of nuclear weapons being used near their homes. People sometimes can accept the ideas exist, however, they cannot accept the ideas influence their lives.

Are you saying that people are willing to accept nuclear technology, but when it comes to adding it to their vicinity, they will be against it?

And as for your conclusion, yes I can somewhat see what you are saying, but some of it I think you need to add a bit more to support the claim, such as the

only through revolution and strong convincing statements

part

Good Luck. Cheers~

meisj0n

May 20, 2010

Writing Feedback / "True beauty" is the good humanity [6]

I think your grasp of English is really good actually, but it just takes practice

Tips on writing: For one, I know from trying to write in French, just keep writing. The more practice you get, the better you get at it.

they is

they are* :]
Also, remember that when you write, keep singular with singular, past tense with past tense, etc.
If you have to review English conjugations, go for it~

And another thing about writing in general, think about the ideas that you want to write about. Say them out loud, make an outline ( make a point, support it with some evidence, then show how that evidence supports the idea/point ) This will not only help with writing essays, but also with making any type of argument.

meisj0n

May 20, 2010

Scholarship / Economic forecasts - briefly discussion of proposed research areas [3]

Er. so what kind of advice were you looking for?

If grammar, a few things, like keep plural w. plural verbs in sentence one. and also with sentence one, try to elaborate on those importance benefits of forests. maybe spread them into a few more sentences instead of a list, possibly saying what you believe is the most important, the more noteworthy, etc. That will make the sentence clearer and introduce why you want to follow forestry.

As a Research Assistant, I worked on three different research projects encompassing theoretical, analytical and field work that deals

that dealt* with

Maybe mention a little bit more what those fields that those research opportunities were about, how they are needed/important to you, etc

By the way, how brief a discussion do they want:?

meisj0n

May 19, 2010

Research Papers / how should i write my introduction for an essay on celiac disease? [3]

Hi Brooke,

Those are some good ideas to start. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a full in depth research paper/essay, but depending on how concise you are willing to be with each section of celiac disease, the amount of outside research you'll have to do varies.

If you want to start with that quote you have here, then you would have to continue with that train of thought and lead into a "This is what is it to be diagnosed with celiac." Since you can write what you want, I think personal experiences would be helpful in expressing what it takes to stay away from gluten products, the difficulties, the changes that you have taken.

If you want to write about your own experience as a general guide, that may help too. Story of your life~ and how this may be the same or different from other people with this same disease.

Good luck on the paper~

meisj0n

May 19, 2010

Scholarship / Tech(No or Yes)logy. A means to an end [3]

PROMPT: Is technology a good investment for schools? Why or why not? (300 word limit)

This is my first draft. Written in 45 minutes? Anyone want to tear this draft up and tell me what's wrong and why? :] Thankee~

Technology can indeed be a good instructional investment. If a good investment is dependent on successful mutual returns that will ultimately feed back to the effectiveness of a system, then technology can be that catalyst. If a good investment is to spend money on a system so that people can all benefit in a mutual environment, then technology can again provide the necessary foundation.

Current technology includes both the small and the large. From a set of paintbrushes art class to a surround sound system for the new school auditorium, both students and staff can benefit from well-invested technology.

While some of the more obvious investments would be to obtain new lab equipment, several other aspects of a school can also benefit. The music department can build better practice rooms. The foreign language classrooms can began programs that allow students to listen to native speakers in Spanish or French, and learn how to respond. Even the physical education classes can benefit from proactive exercise equipment such as DDR or even a well-developed track field.

With better-equipped facilities, a school is prone to attract intelligent students willing to spend more time actively learning academia at school and athletic students willing to play for the school team. The environment not only shows the ability of the establishment to spend for the students' education, but well-planned investments will show the forethought and willingness of the staff to provide stronger programs for their students.

Technology has been and will continue to be tools that will allow teachers and students to learn new material creatively. Emphasizing its multiplicity will encourage and motivate students to use new technology after they graduate. Using technology is like building an edifice; the more prudent the initial investments, the stronger the structure and the longer its success will last.

meisj0n

May 15, 2010

Writing Feedback / Children have trend to be significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life [5]

hi Pink!
(name reminds me of Manhattan Love Story. haha x)

It is quite common these days to note that children in schools<comma> especially those in primary stage<comma> have <a> trend <of being?> significantly more violent and careless in their study and social life <than they have been before>. (You could rephrase this and use less words, just a thought) From* my perspective, (could take the interjection out<< your beliefs are from your perspective, yes?) I believe that modern<comma> radical change in technology might help to cause considerably large defect in student behavior.

I believe that radical modern changes (is this what you mean?) in technology are considerably responsible for these large defects in student behavior.

First*, it is obvious that aquiculture (what do you mean? typo?) and home rules that parents have adopted* is the main factor in causing a tremendous change in the* new generation behavior. Although, nowadays the lives* of families* suffer* from hurry sickness (I'm not sure how to say it in English, but I get the idea. Place apostrophes 'hurrying sickness' around them shows that this is a special word. However, tell more of what it means.) as well as from the lack of time* spent on children.* However,* partners should be supposed (what do you mean?) some important rules that substantially cover most critical issues of child's life.

discuss the causes and suggest solutions.

<I can see the causes in your paper, but what solutions did you suggest? schools?

I guess I'll focus on just main ideas for editing:
try to keep the form consistent, using transition words like although and however correctly, keeping comparisons between comparable things, making sure to conjugate words so that verbs match subjects/objects, etc

Another thing, try to lay out the ideas in your primary language and them write them down. This will help you think of more things to write and make a better point. This will also allow you to organize the paper better.

just keep writing, you'll get the hang of it.

meisj0n

May 14, 2010

Book Reports / Life of Pi and The Yellow Wallpaper/The Metamorphosis Essay [9]

well, one piece of advise for any reader/writer out there, try to keep paragraphs shorter to aid in retaining the main point of a paragraph if not concise, at least memorable for that paragraph.

I know this is an analytical paper, but nevertheless, keep it readable:? :] at least a bit more so.

Mythology has been a focal point of many civilizations including that of the great Babylonians.

So it's a catch phrase. But what does this and the next sentence have anything to do with the essay (other than the mythology reference that "symbolism" is mythological?)

the inner meaning of various characters.

What do you mean? I mean that by inner meaning, do you mean character, or hidden meaning, or even the mysterious inner consciousness of of the characters? I'm sorry if I sound bitter, but being vague is nice, but sometimes, it helps to be clearer, especially when you go to so much depth in such a weighty topic.

Power, symbolized* through

Though you turned in the paper, there's always next time. Another comment: work on being more concise, making sure what you say is somehow connected with what you say, and making clearer cut analysis of evidence presented* If you want to look at a layout, Google Bloom's taxonomy.

"Authoritative figure remain calm under calm circumstances, thus were Richard Parker and Gregor's father." < an example of what I don't understand about your paper :/ It's a bit heavy for me. (heavy as in hard to understand)