Writing Feedback / 'Strokes' - Mental Illness Bipolar Disorder [2]

While working with individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I've learned...

Complete and proper diagnoses of mental illnesses, symptoms associated with them, and providing adequate treatment needs to be a main objective compared to focusing on new drugs that most can't afford.

Mental Illness has always been looked upon as something that is associated with being week, lacking control over ones self.

Mental illness is a condition that alters a person's thoughts , emotions, ability to communicate and function daily.

For years, families have placed their loved ones in facilities whose primary focus was those who were diagnosed with severe mental illnesses.

Manic depression is currently known as bipolar disorder, an illness that causes severe high and low mood changes within a person.

...symptoms include loss of energy, feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness, difficulty with concentration and decision making, not to mention thoughts of death or suicide (Fawcett, Golden, and Rosenfield 32).

Researchers have identified a gene that may be linked to this disorder.

:)

Graduate / 'three experiences' - Peace Corps Essay 2012 #1 [2]

Since my first visit to France I knew that there would be cultural differences, however I had no idea to what extent that they would be.

We were given seminars on cultural differences and this was helpful, but the real challenge was finding the unspoken boundaries without having crossed them, and other unspoken cultural rules.

Adjusting is not always easy and I had to quickly learn that cultural differences can easily give way to misunderstandings.---You should use some examples, to make your essay more personal and interesting.

My time spent in Paris has taught me how to handle cultural differences, like how to learn about others cultures as well as give lessons about my own.

From this experience, I have learned not only how to build a community, as well asbut to also successfully integrate myself into one.

Being in a position of authority, it is not always easy to gain the trust of my residents.

Good luck in the Peace Corps, and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'the day I changed inside forever' - University of Colorado Boulder Essay [3]

Our training taught us to expect the unexpected, but what I learned stretched far beyond.

For this was not just a job or responsibility; it was our passion. The fellow men and women I had the pleasure of spending many years with overseas came from all aspects of life which culminated into a melting pot of diversity in the workplace. My experiences through the military will bring CU Boulder campus both leadership and diversity, w hile my hope, ---no comma here --- is to garner an education that excelspropels me to my utmost potential.

The multitude of time---'Multitude' doesn't seem like the right word here. Maybe 'amount'? --- in training came to fruition in the early hours.

We respected each others' differences, and through that were able to attain an unspoken camaraderie.

Good luck with school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Spanking kids isn't all good [3]

Spanking children has been a practice for many centuries. Infact,it is hard to imagine a time when children were not punished for antisocial behavior . I have to say, you might consider brushing up your opening statement a bit, and remember, after every period (.) comes a space..

First,violence is the most harmful effect of this action.It urges the children to do bad things against their parents.Parents should understand their child's condition and try to figure out what the problem is.If it is continousely happens,children hate their parents as well as their teachers too...good point...discipline by means of violence and tantrums screams hypocrisy, doesn't it??

Second,this type ofthese actions may lead the children to emotionally stressed and tired lives.The fact is they can't really behave normal even at home.

Ok, In my opinion, you do not need to emphasize things like "second and third". Also, your closing statement is weak and confusing. I urge you to stick to one opinion or another...spanking and logic/reason do not seem to go hand in hand. Otherwise, good work!!

Grammar, Usage / Doubts about expression: "going to the cinema" [5]

Yes, to answer your question, it is appropriate to use "going" the way you have, bt if you are doubting or second guessing yourself, you can replace the word with "at" or "I tend to find myself, on my freetime, at.... The previous suggestions look good too. Good luck, and just a side note, if it was worth it to you to enquire about one word, in one sentence, then consider yourself n the right track. It shows that you have a passion for quality work, and getting your point across in the most effective way. :) Cool

Writing Feedback / 'equally in every subject' - univerities to accept equal numbers of males and females [3]

"Education is the right of every student". Though this is a known fact, still the girls are not allowed to join certain groups of subjects in education. But, in many aspects it has been proven that girls can do equally well as if boys.

To begin with in the present world women are competing with men in every aspect. They have proven their ability that with hardwork and dedication they can touch the heights.

Now if we consider the medical field, there are certain branches for which females are thought to be ineligible. Such as, "Orthopedics". People believe that women are very delicate and they cannot handle client's with fracture, dislocations of bones, etc. but, if given chance they can prove themselves to be as equally skilled Orthopedicians as males. In a nutshell, Universities are supposed to give equal number of opportunities for both the gender equally in every subject.

Please consider one final sentiment including your OWN belief.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Popularity of movies in all over the world. [4]

In early days, movies were not as popular as today. Nowadays, movies are one of the most popular forms of entertainment.
Everyone wants something to enjoy and watching movie is one of the best option for entertainment and I think that, this is the most important reason of why movies are most popular in all over the world. Popularity of movies made this film industry very big in all over the world, as a result it created an employment in every country.

To start with, first reason which is entertainment. We can get different types of knowledge from movies like ones about history. Animated [b]ones are also very interesting movies. It is important to avoid redundancy and repitition, such as using the word "movies three times in one sentence...once the reader is sucked in and aware of the topic at hand, it becomes unnecessary to keep stating the term, word, phrase over and over)

Graduate / SoP - Epidemiology PhD with Emphasis on Global Health [5]

I found the research to be challenging due to the low level of resources , yet very interesting due to the high level of migration and displacement, and the ...

After completion of the Master's thesis, I started working at [xxx] University in Southern Thailand, initially as a Coordinator for a conflict study project to map the incidence of conflict-related violence in the Deep South region of Thailand.

During my stay in Bangladesh, I was primarily based at the [xxx] headquarter in Dhaka. ---I don't think you need this sentence. I think you should cut out any sentences like this that are not really important for the main idea you're trying to get across.

My main research activity in Bangladesh was in assisting a Medical Officer of [xxx] in analyzing data and writing a manuscript on gender discrepancies in access to treatment for cataracts at one of the mobile hospitals.

... I also would like to undertake such intervention-based research in a more systematic manner, in order to generate empirical evidence and provide valid recommendations for further improvement.

...and guidance of Assistant Professor [xxx], particularly in her studies in Kenya, Nepal and Bangladesh, on the effects of intensive hand-washing promotion on the risk of influenza, and mediating...

I don't think you need to do anything to make it stronger besides cutting out sentences that you don't need, because extra sentences can make a very interesting essay turn boring. :)

Undergraduate / 'cause of death among college students' - Why FSU is Awesome Essay [3]

I would first suggest you begin with a more simple, positive and introductory opening statement for sure.
FSU offers an extremely diverse set of activities that alleviate stress and yet simultaneously offers strong, optional academic programs.
Personally , (I eliminated this word to avoid redundancy since it is "the things that strike you") the three things about FSU that strike me as most amazing...

The circus has performed throughout the world; for example, it has performed inin places such as...
Furthermore, I can brag to all my friends that my college has an awesome circus! (Nice, it's good to include a sense of humor and realism in these types of essays:)Not only does FSU have a circus,In addition, FSU owns a 73-acre reservation...

In conclusion, FSU stands out, to me, for its circus, reservation, and Undergraduate Research Program. (ok, even if the circus IS the coolest part, I would simply suggest you switch the order, i.e, the undergrad program first...just my opinion, for professionality's sake:)

This perfect school allows students to relax and escape the many stressors that college students have to deal with, while allowing studentsthem (repetition...)
the option to achieve academically. I have always wanted to go a school that has the mental sanity of the student in mind,(again, I admire your honesty and humor..well done) and FSU perfectly matches that description. I would wageram confident that at FSU, students have the work-life balance that allows them to experience and love life while receiving a strong postsecondary education.

VERY NICE!!! I hope you find my suggestions helpful. Good luck!

Book Reports / 'Individuality = Freedom' Barriers in Macbeth To Kill A Mockingbird, and Robert Frost [3]

The sense of isolation brings no burdensome and as a result,---This doesn't really make sense. Please revise for the sake of clarity.

The poem Mending Wall displays the never-ending want for barriers, while still scrutinizing their purpose.

It is a mystery why humans show the want for privacy but yet gets frustrated over this sense of security.

The poem Mending W all showed a great deal of evidence that supports the idea of creating barriers.

However, although the narrator tries to convince his neighbor that there is no need for the stone wall, the narrator is initially the one who told his neighbor it was time to fix the wall.

"I let my neighbor know beyond the hill: and on a day we meet to walk the line and set the wall between us once again,".

It is the sense of wanting to stay away from a certain group of people because of skin colour and economical stance.

Aunt Alexandra is displaying wanting to stay away and keep her privacy from the poor.

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? [3]

Undeniably, people are now enjoying one of the greatest technological boomstimes in humankind history.

The issue of whether the improvement of technology has impacted individuals' relationships is of great interest to sociologists.

The widespread use of modern technologies, from my perspective, make cheaper, more convenient and more effective communication available for people, and we have been witnessed to a positive trend.

To begin with, the invention of telecommunications has dramatically and constantly changed the way we keep in touch with our acquaintances.

To elaborate, thanks to the availability of the mobile phone, we are now able to contact with our relatives at a comparatively low price, as opposed to the traditional but expensive way, namely, telegram.

Furthermore, with internet access, such applications as the MSN, the Twitter and the Facebook enable individuals to communicate with their remote or abroad friends in more convenient ways.

Admittedly, the recent technologies have more beneficial consequences in personnel relationships .

For individuals, not only are citizens are more than capable of maintaining connections with their acquaintances anytime and anywhere, but even that we have been given greater autonomy in social activities.

To recapitulate, new technologies have influenced people's relationships to a larger extent, with resulting changes...

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Driving with distractions' - course essay on texting while driving [2]

Looking down from the road for a second seems harmless, but not when driving involves full attention.

Deborah Drewniak, 52, was walking her dog one night in Colchester when she was hit by a car (McGilvery, 2011). The victim---I think this is the 3rd time you're referring to this one accident. I think you should either tell it all at once or use other examples, as this seems to take something away from your essay.

Drivers under the age of 18 are banned from using cell phones.

Texting while driving should be avoided at all cost because it takes a drivers attention off of the road and leaves them briefly out of control of their car, it is dangerous to the public including pedestrians and other drivers, and it can result in life changing consequences. ---I'm pretty sure you already said this.

:)

Graduate / Speech-language pathology FSU graduate bridge progam essay [3]

On a daily basis, the process of deciphering Arturo's stammering was like unlocking a puzzle, and the entire class rejoiced with him once we had cracked the code.

As the year progressed, Arturo's confidence in his speaking, oral language,---What's the difference between speaking and oral language?--- and reading gradually increased with the help of our school's speech-language pathologist.

Enabling someone to be able to communicate not only empowers them to maintain relationships and make new ones, but also gives them the liberating human right to express wants, needs, and thoughts.

This is very well written, they'll be lucky to have you as a student.

:)

Undergraduate / "Will you be my guest for prom?" - Spelman College [2]

I didn't know her, and as she had just entered high school, there was no way she could go to prom.

As we sat and talked, she explained that it was a prom for kids diagnosed with cancer.

It amazed me to realize how many children were affected by it, and I wanted to become involved and knowlearn more.

I take it that you're going into health care? If this was what got you interested, it's a great beginning to your essay. Just go on from there and say what your plans are and what you have done so far towards achieving your goal.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'lived with my parents' - my IELTS Inviting letter practice. [2]

Recently, we have moved into our new house, which we bought two years ago. Don't leave all that space between the paragraphs.

As you may know, my wife and I have lived with my parents, and our old house got over crowded since the delivery of our new baby, because we hired a maid to look after our baby'her' or 'him'.

NowOur new house is located in Donggang Central Business District.

There are two big shopping malls just across from our house community, so you can go there at any time.

Anyway, we enjoyed the new house very much.

We have not seen each other in a long time, it was at last year's spring festival if my memory is correct.

You have not seen our baby, have you?

We are all expecting you to our new house to have dinner together.

:)

Writing Feedback / Spanking kids isn't all good [3]

Spanking children has been a practice for many centuries.---Always leave a space between sentences. Actually you must leave a space between all punctuation marks and the next word.

In fact,---in fact is two words.--- it is hard to imagine a time when children were not punished for antisocial behavior. However , for all the good spanking may do, there are harmful results from this practice as well.

Some of the harmful side effects of physical punishment can be violence, emotionally stress and misunderstanding.---Do you mean it may cause children to grow up to be violent? If so, I agree!

First, v iolence is the most harmful effect

If it is continuously happening , children may grow to hate their parents as well as their teachers too .

Second,this type of actions may lead the children to becoming emotionally stressed and tired.

They can't faces the society with courage and trust.---This is so true, they may remain fearful all their lives.

To sum up , if we want to spanking them, f irst we should talk with them in a better way.

It would be a better way to communicate and understand them thoroughly .

:)

Writing Feedback / MY ANXIETY BEYOND THE QUEST (and Philippines) [2]

Facing up to your fear is said to be the better way rather than trying to escape it.

This ideology is something that influenced me to conquer one of my anxieties- to speak and write using the English language

In our country, Philippines, the utilization of English as a second language has come into point that every Filipino is yet fond patronizing much it knowing its benefits ---This sentence is very confusing. It might be better to turn it into two sentences.--- towards them are greatly encouraging and worth spending effort for.

Nevertheless, I have to face up to it courageously.

Another reason why I am so awkward to speak English is that in our nation, grammar is more vehemently prioritized than understanding, particularly when studying at school.

Getting over my fear , I am now taking up a degree in education mastering English language.

You actually have an excellent grasp on English, and great vocabulary. I think you would be easy to understand, and if anyone was so rude as to tease or correct you, they are not worth being embarrassed by anyway. Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 'youth outreach clubs' - How my goals relate to my interests- Georgetown [2]

When I was diagnosed with vitiligo, a skin condition, I truly came to appreciate the dedication and compassion with which doctors seem to effortlessly maintain.

My passion for medicine and natural affinity for the sciences, combined with my new found interest in the brain and human behavior showed me that my real

One of the things that I'm excited about is the RISE (Research Intensive Senior Experience) Program.

The vast array of extracurricular activities and clubs is also a great way for me to discover new areas of interest.---This is great!

This is coming along quite nicely, and for an ending, I would just add something like, "...so for all of these reasons, I know Georgetown is the best school for me to ..."

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / More and more young people are turning to drugs. reasons and solutions [10]

Drug addition has become a serious problems in our society. More and more young people are turning to drugs at an alarming pace although using drugs obviously have a negative effect on their lives. ..As they are young and impressionable, they are vulnerable to become targets and can easily to be taken in... Moreover, in many cases, youngsters start turning to drugs when they are under pressure or upset about something. ...For example, the young may be unable to cope with growing family problems nowadays ;hence, they consider taking drugs as a solution to their issues. Howevere, sooner or later, they steadily incease the dose and cosume more and more everyday until drugs become an indispensable part in their life...(keep in mind that there are also many "happy" elite, young, rich and popular young people that do drugs just for the fun and percieved sense of glamour.) As drugs have become a threat to the society, leading to many other problems and crimes such as thefs, robberies, stealing,choose one; they all mean the same thing..

`, drug use is on the rise and an increasing number of people have become additicted to drugs.these alarming statistics are tragic and Although these are problems impossible eliminate it in one day...,If we work together as a society to focus on means to solutions and recovery, rather than punishments and dismay, we may come close to beating this dilemma alltogether I made a suggetion for a closing statement, and one that seemed more "final". I hope this has been helpful.

Undergraduate / 'no way for me to be invisible' - Peace Corps Essay 2 [3]

I learned about people and humanity. I never would have guessed that instead of coming home with a pair of round black ears I would come home with an insatiable desire to continue listening to other peoples' stories with my ownears I already had.

In this moment I learned that I did not have to aspire to the daunting and impossible task of changing the world.If I can make one life better and it will have all been worthwhile.

Aside from the couple of slight revisions, I would only suggest that you shorten and strengthen your opening sentence. All of the information can stay, but the opener needs to be emphasized in order to immediately draw the reader in. Good job and good luck!

Undergraduate / College essay- my mother's Schizophrenia has impacted my life? [4]

I see people as walking time bombs (< Is that good word choice?)...yes, if that's what you feel, then it is right, this is YOUR experience...

(< Is that good word choice?) yes indeed
If I were able to meet his needs, I would have. Sometimes Things just don't always/usually (< Which word should I use?) add up.

Injustice endured is nearly masochism, and it shouldn't stop by bandaging a sense of internal bleeding. I've managed to build a pathwayfrom problems and actions to service and solutions

Something I'd like to suggest...although this is profoundly personal an extremely well written (you second guess yourself in areas of actual perfection), I would encourage you to focus on ONE particular experience; highlight it, and then sort of incorporate the rest of what makes you YOU around that particular event.

Undergraduate / 'friendship and camaraderie' - Naval Academy Personal Statement [2]

The United States Naval Academy is where I want to be. The academy will give me unparalleled, wide-ranging skills and allow me to serve my country to the best of my ability.

The route to this revelation was pretty round about.not a direct one.
Character development is an integral part of the Naval Academy. I experienced a taste of the growth that happens during the mock sea trials at Summer Seminar. When my squad and our partner squad ran the obstacle course there was a boy who was having a really tough time physically and mentally. The course was timed and he was adding considerable time. We were all really competitive people and we could have just left him behind and let him quit, but we did not do that . The course tested him physically, and the rest of us were tested morally. We all worked together and helped him get through it. We stood by him every step of the way and were rewarded by friendship and camaraderie. It was a great experience and I look forward to the development that an education at the Naval Academy would provide. I love the way you finished this. Well done :)

Writing Feedback / Isolation of a country from their neighbors abroad can only cause issues in the long run [4]

I would suggest starting with an opening statement that is more "attention grabbing" and clarifying your first paragraph all together.
This second paragraph is very well written :)
Moreover, countries can exchange information. There is lot of information available in every country. Without working together it is not possible to use this. For example, the most important one is criminals running outevading legal issues by escaping to other countries for hiding.

Finally, I believe countries could remain isolated but this will cause issues in the long run.this previous sentence needs a bit of clarification and you should be clear on your opinion. Also, it will be helpful to "finalize" your last sentence, just to round things out a little better. Good luck!--

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for master's in Urban & Regional Planning in SPA - Feedback [3]

Later, during the construction, I spent a great deal of time watching over the construction and childishly taking part in it; enjoying every bit of it.

I realized that what I like is architecture, and hence I joined the B. Arch. course in NIT Calicut.
-------------------------------------------
Experience in NITC
After joining, I had a hard time keeping up with the class.

It was then, that I re-found myself and had the "desire to learn".

Then, during Urban Design course Form Based Codes(FBC) was introduced by Sir Prof. Vinod Kumar.---This is an incomplete sentence.

------------------------------

Future Plans
As a child, I had visited some famous Indian cities like Delhi, Chandigarh, Agra, Jaipur, Itanagar, etc. and loved the environment.

But, a lot has changed since then.

It's not just the big cities; even the smaller cities are facing problems due to the similar reasons.

---------------------
Why SPA?
An opportunity to study and work with such faculties is what I strive for.

. Earning a master's degree in an urban environment such as New Delhi ...

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I stare out into the pre-dawn darkness and I gaze at the faint outlines of Mother Liberty's flaming torch and a spiked crown.

Our Founding Fathers envisioned democracy as a place ---'democracy as a place sounds funny, I think you should describe it more as a way of life.--- where people could live in harmony together, as human beings united by human rights, freedom, and equality.

Blood was shed, by the cups, the pints, the gallons, tons of it, flowing through the long history of the world we know as The Land of the Free.---This is very sad but true.

To the Founding Fathers, I ask, "Founding Fathers, had you known what we know now today, would you be proud of America's actions?"

:)

Undergraduate / 'Pleasant Tragedy' - Personal Statement for Undergraduate School [3]

Arriving home from basketball practice exhausted and desiring the contempt for sleep, resting was not an option.

I knew my day was not yet finished.

...I remember the dragging summer evenings when I stood on a 24 inch stool with an apron reading "Kiss the Cook" draping down to my quaking knees as I managed to peel some vegetables for our daily juicing.

Although I did wonder sometimes how my life would have been if our mother were beside us.

But as all the girls talked about their routines and recital practices, I sat there wondering if my mother would havehad been with me, would I be part of that group?

Taken I think this would sound better; Because of my background, I try to teach and persuade many kids my age, even younger, ...

Just recently we were invited to the wedding of one of my father's business partners, and not really taking...

When we arrived at St. Johns, adjoining restaurant in Van Nuys, California that Saturday morning, I was greeted by several desultory adults that I had never met before.

I smiled with contempt,---contempt is not the right word here, as the woman was certainly not deserving of contempt because of her nice compliment!--- feeling the satisfaction of such a compliment across the cheeks of my face.

:)

Letters / My motivtion letter in transport economics [4]

Nice introduction...
...Driven by my childhood surroundings and thatthe fact that shipping is my family's main preoccupation,occupation or livlihood(would be more suitable in my opinion)

I was determined at an early age to develop a career in the transport sector. I was intrigued by the challenging environment of the shipping and transport industry. In my opinion it is one of the few industries that is truly worldwide in geographical scope and in the nature of the business. ...not only in geographical terms, but in the nature of business as a whole.

Globalizations of trade and economy have led to a situation where multinationals have taken on global sourcing and marketing strategies.
But this dream may only come true if I am able to combine your excellent education offered by you the quality education your university has to offer with the knowledge I already possess...

Well done. I hope you find my revisions helpful:) Good Luck!!

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Our founding father's idea aboutof a strong foundation was a democracy where people could live in harmony together , as one family, united by human rights, freedom, and equality.

This is evident through various articles such as the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

We have our founding fathers to thank that America has not collapsed over the years like so many others.

He knew that the U.S. would stand up for him, as the U.S. fights for human rights around the globe.

The strong foundation of human rights was established through the Bill of Rights in the US Constitution, which our founding fathers have so strenuously drafted.

This base has led to many US conquests of many other...

I gladly say thanks to my founding fathers for establishing a sense of equality into our nation. ---You wrote this sentence already.

I like your essay, especially the end. Good luck with school!

:)

Graduate / 'career as a physician assistant' - describe your motivation towards becoming a PA [2]

... I had been chosen amongst hundreds of applicants for a unique opportunity to participate in the fast paced world known as the emergency department, where healing the sick and injured was common placethat doesn't sound quite right in my opinion; maybe "was my/our duty and privilege". ?Both and PA and the doctor worked feverously to stabilize the patient and I knew I had a role to play as well. Dr. Rosenthal, the man that tended to this injured man that evening and coincidentally has been my mentor for several years.

As a student of your Physician Assistant program, I look forward to participating in opportunities that will enable me to broaden my experiences in health care. As a biology student, I was actively involved in conferences and seminars, which enriched my knowledge of medicine.The refugee youth project I participated in focused on assisting low-income families; especially children with after school programs.

Nice work. Hope you've found my revisions helpful :)

Writing Feedback / 'Inoculations against cow flu' - essay [4]

Everything has possibilities and inoculations against cow flu are not an exception.(This last sentence could be worded a bit more clearly) This was a heated debate between people in the past. In these situations, thorough evaluation considering all aspects of negatives and positives effects are required. Especially when in regards to humans lifeAN umerous of people hold the opinion that they... In addition, not all people are able to exercising and getting a force healthpractice good health. . I would believe that inoculation with its possibility of death is less danger from having cow flu than depending on strength the quality of one's health.

Besides the revisions I made, I suggest you clarify and downsize your conclusion a bit; summarizing your thoughts without being repetitive or confusing. Good job and have fun in school!

Undergraduate / "About the sea' - "About me essay" [5]

Hi! Sorry it took me so long to see this, but it was a miracle that I did, as you should have started a new thread. Yay, it's good to know you're in Biology and have kept your passion all these years!

Growing up, I can remember my room and how it looked.

...lamp sculptures that looked like dolphins, and a little fish tank in which was home to my pet fish, "Landrew".---Ha ha! Landrew!! I love it!

I received decent grades and always managed to pull through, but it occurred to me that I hadn't really done anything of significance ---I think you should just add the word 'yet' here, and end the sentence.

---at this point in my life.

Growing up in the desert, I knew that there weren't a lot of opportunities relating to what I wanted to do.

Somewhere I could learn, grow, discover, and accomplish my dreams, but after many attempts at trying to get a job in California, and Washington, and various...

Nice powerful ending! Good luck!

:)

Graduate / Hobbies, strenths, weaknesses - from India Personal Introduction paragraph [7]

Many People are busier than ever these days. getting busy all the day now a days.

They are not in a position to take care of their belongings and even about their personal things.

What I feel is, that this is due to the stress and involvement of work.

The dealing with everyday work is extremely hard, due to the lack of planning and making a schedule of work.

Even for awith perfect planning, there might be some obstacles.

We should not postpone the work to some other hours.

Careful planning will save the time and leads to successful completion of tasks .

:)

Writing Feedback / Narrative writing on "we all had different ideas about the parcel" [3]

I have to tell you, this first paragraph is BEAUTIFUL and is exactly the type to draw the reader in immediately. Excellent.
After two hours my attention was diverted by the door bell.I was indeed surprised thatintrigued as to who it could be.
Well, it is a strange story indeed but I would not say "weak". I think something that might tie it all together nicely would be to add "To be continued" at the end, to add a little more depth and suspense! The only other thing to remember is to make sure you leave a space after periods in between sentences. Good job and good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Interview paper with an entreprenuer, Cynthia Odo [2]

...Twelve years ago, she started her business, while leaving LIVING in New Jersey.
Her decision to move forward was warranted because there was only one other shop that provided those specific services, and most customerS ...
She chose a location that was visible. EASILY ACCESSIBLE
ALONG WITH With owning a business there are THERE COME losses that you will experience.
Great Job! Along with some minor revisions, I would only suggest that you consider strengthening your closing statement a bit. Good lck and have fun!

Writing Feedback / ROSARY, MY BEST FRIEND [2]

Ever since I met my good friend Rosary, ---You don't need a comma here.---several years ago, she has been my best friend.

Even though I don't see her that often, it is always good to know about her.

Rosary is quite tall and thin, and she has long, wavy, blonde hair but she usually wears it in a bob.---I think a 'bob' means it is cut short. (not sure though.)

She's thin faced and she's got a pale skin with some freckles and rosy cheeks .

She is very smart and sophisticated ; she loves fashion, that'swhich is why she is always well-dressed.

Some people claim that she may seems quite stubborn and bossy, but in reality, deep down she is an excellent person.

:)

Graduate / 'impacting the lives of others' - CASPA Personal Narrative [4]

"Behind each person is a collection of stories, and in order to fully understand a person,...

... kindness, and general sense of lightheartedness can improve a person's day and even their life.

During the days I spent in her room, I watched many doctors run in and out, some never even taking a second of their time to even introduce themselves to either my grandmother nor I.

For the first time since I had arrived at the hospital, my grandmother smiled.

... because I believe that the greatest satisfactions in life come from working to improve the well-being of others.

Your essay is coming along fine, and I especially like the last paragraph. Good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / Essay about - Is spending a lot on parties is worthwhile or not? [2]

From a purely social point of view, the main purpose of inviting relatives and friends to a party is to share the hosts' joyful feeling and emotions as well as strengthen the bonds between hosts and guests.

Without the opportunities to holding or participatein parties, an individual would feel isolated from his or her social network, which would probably result in suffering from emotional problems.

In addition, the society can benefit a lot from holding parties in terms of boosting the economy and generating numerous jobs.

To sum up, holding parties is supported in terms of family and friends bonds, as well as promoting economic development.

By contrast, it is refuted to be a waste of money due to huge financial burdens on hosts.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Rumblefish'(Rob and Renee ) - Summary [2]

After five years of marriage, Rob lost his wife Renee to a pulmonary embolism, a blockage of the main artery in the lung.

Nonetheless, she kept writing. anyway .

The apartment wasn't very nice and the roof would leak drops of water whenever it rained .

Charlottesville was small, so they had to entertain themselves somehow.

They were DJs at the local radio station .

Renee was definitely a "doer"; she enjoyed adventure and had passion.

Rob spent more time with Renee more than anyone, but he still wanted more of her.

Five great years, and they enjoyed those years, never wasting a second.

This is sad and very interesting, I'm glad it was me that got to edit!

:)

Writing Feedback / ielts 2 - 'parents are superior to the teachers in terms of development' [4]

One suggestion I have is keeping all the information in your opening statement, but re configuring it in a way that creates s shorter, and more "to-the-point" introduction. I frequently advise people to develop an opening statement that will grab the readers sttention and interest immediately. While most content in most essays, especially the opening lines are of value to the work itself, it is ESSENTIAL to prime the first sentence.. That is all. :)

Writing Feedback / Computers make some jobs easier. [4]

My input is that as far as grammar is concerned with an "esl" student, as long as you get your message across adequately, then I feel grammar is unnecessarily a thing to fret too much over. Especially with English as your second language! The other necessary editing has been done, I just felt that was an important thing to keep in mind. Good job and good luck!