Writing Feedback / Ships Ahoy -- floundering marriages [25]

Kevin, I wrote a long reply but it disappeared as I clicked on another website. How can I retrieve (as a draft??)

Scholarship / "Bad Influences" - issue of personal or local concern and its importance to you [7]


One correction (capped ABOVE) and one comment:
The essay would be even better if you could give one personal example. Who is this ONE person that came to mind when you wrote this sentence? Write about what exactly made you sad, how this person changed (what was dramatic) and what you felt could have been different (and why.) I'm sure this will help strengthen the conclusion as well.

Scholarship / Identify your most significant contribution a community you belong to [4]

Please be sure you follow these two prompt: Identify your most significant contribution to one or more of the communities to which you belong.
You list several examples but I did not get a clear idea of your MOST SIGNIFICANT contribution. It's helpful to highlight one and elaborate further on what exactly you did that was significant.

Describe your level of achievement or involvement and reflect on your most important contributions.
I did not see any of this (it logically follows from the previous prompt and IMHO is the crucial "meat" of this essay!!)

Scholarship / "To develop my aptitudes and improve on them" - Why do I deserve the scholarship [6]

One very important consideration for these essays is to give more examples as opposed to your own opinion about yourself. It does not have to be a major achievement, it can just be an insightful "slice" of your personal life. Writing in your voice, putting yourself on paper in YOUR words is key. And what you choose as this expression will present the "big picture" of why you deserve the scholarship.

Start as you would in an interview: introduce yourself, what makes you YOU, what are your aspirations, your most significant milestone experiences to date, and wrap up with some aspirations.

You only have 250 words to present on this "palette," so choose them well!!
Good luck!

Scholarship / The British Council to Help in my Studies? - IELTS scholarship [15]

Hello Nhung,
Your essay covers your educational aptitude and determination, as well as financial need. However, I missed learning more about you as a person. I would have liked to see something on an important and formative practical (or work) experience. And I felt the last paragraph could be significantly shortened. And the first two paragraphs could be rationalized and streamlined.

Good luck and send another round!

Research Papers / Global Warming research paper (what are the causes, solutions, and effects?) [3]

Start by getting some idea of the topic:
1) search for articles from noteworthy publications (ask you teacher to recommend three at least. these will lead you to another three or six)
2) read them and form your own opinion on "what is global warming"
3) then write out what you identified as the best solutions

I would order it differently from what you listed (not clear whether you mean causes and effects of global warming or of the solutions.) After you have defined what it is (including its causes and effects,) then discuss solutions and finally, conclude or wrap up what it is and the way forward.

Scholarship / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR SUMMER INTERNSHIP IN ADVERTISING [4]

Interesting experiences and your essay is chock full of information.
As an aspiring advertising person, you have most probably heard of the term "big picture." Never make an advertising without it. This also applies to your SOP - which has so much info that one can read the whole thing but come out without a clear big picture. Of course, the "big idea" is clear i.e. I am a good candidate for your summer advertising internship - but it's important to supply vivid and engaging pictures too.

Also, your close (listing your positive characteristics) may not be necessary if your preceding text does its job (no need for overkill.) After reading what you wrote: "is the driving force for anyone in the creative profession like advertising. According to me, broadly speaking, advertising is all about steering the perception of the people (consumers)." I was left with the question DRIVING FORCE WHERE? STEER CONSUMERS WHERE? Your essay will benefit from answering that.

As such, please take these as one person's qualitative feedback:
1) I would skip the first two paragraphs on your changing your surname. I am not sure it adds much and definitely does not provide a compelling example on how you improved your "brand equity." I am afraid it can come off as self-indulgent and laudatory.

2) Likewise with phrases like "everything had something that differentiated it from the others' work and fetched me its due appreciation." (watch out for absolutes like "everything" - will cause the reader to challenge you...)

3) Eventually, as I grew up I started developing a taste in films, cinematography, music, visual communication and spatial design. WHAT "TASTE" DID YOU DEVELOP? Taste is too abstract and it is not appropriate for you to add any self assessment qualifiers.

4) These need to be followed by an objective description of your results: as an organizer of CcCcCc, the annual technical festival which happened to be central India's largest. WHAT WAS YOUR CONTRIBUTION? I made my first advertisement, a poster for an event called DdDdDd during my second year in the college. WHAT WERE THE RESULTS FROM YOUR POSTER (attendance? comments? prize?) My creativity and aesthetic sense immediately propelled me into the cream of the creative community of ACE. What followed next was a series of different posters, flyers, brochures, banners, logos, t-shirts, typography etc. designed by me for various events WHAT WERE THE RESULTS? (anything measurable?)

5) Important sentence but something is wrong with the word "bind' when used with a plural (strings). May I suggest the past tense plural "bound?" Eventually, I realized that the common strings that bind all my activities were creativity, ideas and people.

6) - Good graphic designing

Scholarship / "the defining moment in my education" -gaining scholarship for meritorious candidates [14]

You achievements are very impressive and the first paragraph would benefit from listing them in descending order starting from the most distinctive or important to you. This also means weeding out what is not so important (quality versus quantity) As I have no idea which one that is, I just left it open. Have made corrections and wording suggestions (in red):

Academic distinctions and prizes..the word limit for the same is 300:

I always stood first in class in my early years of education and won prizes in academics and extra-curricular activities like quiz, debate etc. I was class monitor and school captain. I got distinction in 10th Class and first class in 12th standard .I was positioned amongst top 200 in the country in the entrance examination for Engineering, which was taken by 1, 50,000 (do you mean 150,000 or 15,000 or 50,000??) students. Furthermore, I enrolled myself in for the Bachelors degree program in Electronics engineering and with strong focus and hard work, I excelled in my graduation with distinction. Considering my excellent record, my college offered me for a job as a lecturer.

Besides studies I have been actively involved in voluntary activities like NSS (National Service scheme). The camp, which aims at welfare of the society heldsperformed various activities like cleaning, afforestation, inviting doctors for health camps, creating awareness onof social problems, education and cleanliness.

Also I was part of the team which adopted an orphanage named 'Snehalya'
This team used toand interacted regularly with the kids and their tutors. We organized cultural programs and organized money collection drives for them." the orphanage.

Undergraduate / Find X. Many perspectives and different routes -Essay topic for university of chicago [4]

What an interesting topic! (infinite possibilities!) Very quick feedback at a first glance:
I was with you for the first paragraph and got lost somewhere towards the second half of the second. The third last para felt/read like it a different essay introducing a new train of thought (an equation.) The last sentence left me up in the air - was this your answer to the prompt "find X?

Undergraduate / "Passionate about soccer" - CommonApp 150 words activity essay thanks [4]


Is the website the main success factor for your founding the Tottenham fan club? How did you get the website up and running? How did you meet up and talk to the two other fans? What about the context of being in China and what makes the Chinese fans relate to Tottenham? What did you learn about people and the world?

Scholarship / Healthcare program - a citizen of Nepal applying for the scholarship to UU [4]


theoretical


Explain what was the most meaningful aspect of your project.


What specific aspect of public health research would you like to dedicate yourself to? I don't get a clear idea of what you care about most. What do you see yourself best to do?


malnutrition

Undergraduate / "economics was the right career path for me", common app transfer columbia university [7]

Nope, don't think this works. The first half just covers minutes, seconds etc, up to the time you started at Miami-Dade, then the second half goes into why your first year of economics was not what you wanted or expected. Columbia does not want to hear about your regretted past choice. What is important is why transfer to Columbia, why are you someone they must accept. Columbia's business program is world class - you might want to mention that...

Letters / Research on missiles; cover letter- PHD in astronomy [6]

Yes, you seem to understand the purpose of a cover letter - to introduce yourself, what you have done, and what makes you qualified for admissions to the Phd program in Astronomy at this institution. You should also attach your curriculum vitae summarizing what you have done to date (work, education, publications, achievements plus letters of reference.) Be sure to use spellcheck and grammarcheck.

Scholarship / "I'm going to change the film industry forever!" -help forming my final paragraph [3]


Can you write a sentence about how you would live your dream, what is it?


What is your best film idea? What is your new idea, what specifically would you change immediately?


How would you do this and what do you wish to accomplish from this revolution?

Your last paragraph is about asking for help to finance your education. What do you think would convince the reader to support your scholarship? How have you helped to support your family or to finance your education up to now? I still did not get the feel for why film and Why GSU (I'm assuming that the scholarship comes from GSU.)

Undergraduate / "Farmers in Peru" - common app - Peruvian adventure [2]

The set up of suspense is dramatic. I could practically feel the cold and hear the farmers shouting (read as as shooting at first.) The climax in this sentence could be improved by stating clearly how the air was let out of the tyres. I am not sure the term "popping" works :



Join the first sentence with the second phrase with a comma.


HOW CAN YOUR EDUCATION BE A SERVICE TO YOUR COUNTRY'S FARMERS? DOES THIS MEAN STUDYING AGRO-BUSINESS or SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT or being a journalist, a human rights activist?

Undergraduate / "Drums and Discrimination" - UW Essay [2]

You essay describes a challenge for personal hardship you faced (gender discrimination.) I was engrossed up to the third paragraph, but then you lost me (see questions in CAPS below:)


This gap in explanation leaves a "hole" in your essay, so it reads a bit like a donut. It's great that your drum playing skills increased tenfold after you "received my own drum set and was given the freedom to play in the safety of my own home." But I'm not sure this is an effective way to overcome the problem or challenge you faced. Experimenting and failing without male scrutiny is not a everyday situation in the new UW world you are aspiring to be part of. It would help to learn about how this drumming discrimination helped build your character (i.e. are you now determined to join a predominantly male band or some such club in UW?)

Undergraduate / Perfect Score- (talent, quality) UC PROMPT 2 [5]

Is the highlight of your essay is your perfect score in the Mock Trial program? (answers the prompt: personal accomplishment that is important to you.) While you adequately cover why this makes you proud, only one sentence touched upon how this relates to the person you are:

"I had the naive idea that the life of an attorney was like the one portrayed in television."
Aside from winning the argument, why do you want to be a lawyer? What makes this personally meaningful to you? (besides adrenaline rush, liking lawyer characters portrayed in TV and "Tasks such as preparing for a trial, defending a client, or prosecuting a criminal are intellectually challenging obstacles that I love solving")

Some wording questions:



DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN BY POTENTIAL TO SUCCEED THE EVOLUTION of the legal system.

Scholarship / Student profiler - U of Illinois Supp. (academic interests/goals) [3]

For your scholarship essay, I would recommend going right into what you believe distinguishes you the most (your knack for "reading people.") No need for the first paragraph and opening sentence in second para. After you establish what makes you special (deserving of a scholarship,) back it up with strong examples (significant involvement in extracurricular activities.) Your third paragraph does not clearly establish what exactly you did in your field experience in the psychiatric unit. Did you counsel patients, how many hours per week for how long, how many patients? What mental illness did you successfully identify, what knowledge on mental disease did you gain? Why did the discharged patients leave with a smile (I missed why that instilled respect to the doctors?) All this needs to be covered to make this a convincing scholarship application.

Your opening sentence in the fourth para confused me. Why securely locked doors? (it made me thing of a prison or insane asylum.) Here is where you convey why you are confident in your ability to translate instinct into a successful medical profession. Giving examples of past hard academic work might be useful here as it will indeed require a lot of effort to reach your goal.

Your last para of why SLU needs to be more specific. Cite some inspiring professors and classes. Is their Psychiatry Dept well rated nationally? Why is SLU familiar to you? While it is understandable that you are full of praise for SLU, I don't think this is what the prompt asked for. Note the question:

In identifying this unique attribute, please also describe how Saint Louis University in particular complements your ambitions and/or character.
It asks you to describe what specific aspects of SLU complements your goals and you as a person. They want you to demonstrate that you have really familiarized yourself with their culture, community, the institution's mission statement or any other distinguishing differentiation. Also, it would be a good idea to devote some space to covering what you can do to contribute to SLU as a student or an alumni.

Undergraduate / "The most fulfilled as an English major" How I decided to major what I genuinely love [2]

Hope this is not too late for you. While you clearly stated your intended major, the second part of your prompt was not clear i.e.

"Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement."

Most of the essay was about how you tried business and found it unfulfilling until your counselor helped you realize why. Aside from spelling bees and fast typing at 12, did you have any practical experience or student activity in this field? Can you give any examples of your writing experience? You bring up your ultimate goal of law school at the end. What led you to discover this? Give examples of compelling authors and books you have read which inspired you to this goal.

Undergraduate / " childhood story" " Interest in biology" Pomona's supplement [4]

This was the question:
Tell us about an experience you've had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.
"Did I answer the question properly?" The first part of your essay (childhood experience watching cicadas molting) could qualify as an extracurricular activity, but you did not cover how and why it was "just plain fun."

While linking this metamorphosis to your classroom/lab experience may qualify as an essay for "most significant or important life-changing experience," the prompt did not ask for this. Instead, here is a chance for the adcoms to get to know the FUN side of you, nothing to do with anything serious (academic ambitions, interests, achievements.) Try listing the top 3 things you enjoy doing outside of school. Do you have a favorite hobby (besides insect-watching?) I would start by finding something you are enthusiastic to share and describe it in writing.

And watch out for incomplete sentences; there were many in your essay.

Scholarship / Programming - "A researcher, coworker and friend" - Scholarship - Munich [7]

MUCH better - the YOU as a vibrant individual comes out strongly in this last paragraph (big applause!!) Your second sentence is very powerful! Go for it - and good luck!!

Undergraduate / "intrinsic motivation" uc prompt 2 [3]

Refreshing essay, oh, how true! Congrats on being able to achieve this enlightenment!!
Funny, it was NOT easy to come up with a simple title for the personal quality you described in your essay: "my ability to ignore extrinsic motivation and let only my intrinsic motivation drive me."

Effective cognitive reconditioning (or adjustments,) unconditional living, detachment from extrinsic motivation, having "right" perspective (or attitude) makes all the difference, or cliches like the power of positive thinking??? Impossible to sum up in one word.

Undergraduate / "leadership skills" - UC Boulder essay help [2]

This prompt asks for you to give examples of how you would contribute to the community in 3 areas:
We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

Your essay only gave one example in the second area (leadership) which would be acceptable if this was all the prompt asked for. As such, you risk not addressing the other areas - how you will be engaged in academic excellence, how you can contribute to foster a diverse UCB community, how you will actively get a deeper understanding of the world you live in.

Undergraduate / "social upbringing in Dubai" - UTA Prompt A. Influences [2]

Your writing reads easily and the familiar story of a young girl learning to make friends is endearing. This format works almost every time.


WHAT IS THE CONVERSE?


DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU CANNOT EXPECT TO MAKE FRIENDS? OR YOU CANNOT EXPECT OTHERS TO TALK TO YOU? KNOW WHO YOU ARE IS A SWEEPING STATEMENT i.e. VERY BROAD.

Undergraduate / "healthy eating and exercise" - the world you come from and how it shaped your dreams [2]

This read more like an essay on "significant achievement" or "worthy cause" or important extracurricular activity" than one on how the world you come from shaped your dreams... Goals and dreams are subtly different, one is more aspirational, more eternal, less placed in the here and now.

For example: this is your mission statement, not a dream:


Did you dream of doing this?

Undergraduate / "one family of learners" - My Entrance Statement for Rutgers [3]

Is the opening latin quote part of the prompt? Are you supposed to explain what it means to you in your entrance essay? Rutgers University's ethnically and culturally diverse community epitomizes the meaning of our nation's traditional motto. The many students of Rutgers herald from different backgrounds; however, they all have something in common: they are all part of one family of learners, ready and willing to embrace education for all it's worth. If not, you spent most of the intro explaining something you didn't need to. You only get into what this means to you in the fifth sentence: "I could easily see myself being a part of this family; using the many opportunities at Rutgers to build upon my life from learning and connecting with others."

Do you identify with being part of the Rutgers family? (this has a stronger meaning than could easily see myself) This next sentence is superfluous - why is it there? (I have always been eager to challenge myself when it comes to education.)

After establishing a clear, focussed intro, the rest of your essay will fall in place. Here are some minor typos which I caught and one more superfluous sentence:




I felt your last sentence would be so much stronger and compelling if you could tie it back to being part of the Rutgers family.

Scholarship / Programming - "A researcher, coworker and friend" - Scholarship - Munich [7]

I did not get a clear thesis statement from the first paragraph. Did you have a main point that you wanted to communicate? I would put it upfront and at the closing sentence. Likewise, your second and third paragraph could be more succinct (highlighting your academic achievements and work experience.) I would combine your extracurricular fourth paragraph with a strong closing paragraph reiterating why you are worthy of this scholarship. Although I liked your last sentence, it was clouded by all the preceding self-laudatory adjectives.

Here's an example to demonstrate how you can say more with less (words/adjectives/qualifiers/opinions.)

Scholarship / "creative, daring, and bold" -My Personal Statement for George W. Jenkins Scholarship [2]

Here are some ideas about what to write
1) More specific details about why UM and why creative writing.
"[i]Learning about the Arts and Sciences program really opened my mind. HOW??
To know that I could be as close to home and get my bachelor's in Creative Writing made me ecstatic." WHY??
2) Give examples of your favorite stories, poems and essays - what inspired you the most?


3) Which philosopher's great mind is the most similar to yours? which do you identify with the most?


You can incorporate the last paragraph (about your parents' separation) in the preceding paragraph instead of devoting an entire paragraph to it. This is better used building up to convincing closing statement.

Scholarship / 'Business practices in Nigeria, A benefit to your home country essay' [2]

Not knowing the prompt, I am guessing this is for a scholarship for a Master's degree in Computing. You state clearly your beliefs and goals but I did not find out anywhere what led you here (past education, experience, credentials) and a more specific future career objective.

"I hope that my input into various business units will go a long way in preparing and reshaping the Nigerian economy for the international business sphere."

I felt you ended abruptly with this closing paragraph. It could be strengthened if you stated clearly your specific goals and aspirations - "reshaping the Nigerian economy for the international business sphere" is way too general for a closing statement.

Scholarship / Originating from Haiti, Biomedical Engineering - George W. Jenkins Scholarship Essay [3]

Your personal essay has a very strong "voice" mostly addressing the third point in the prompt (special circumstances, overcoming significant hardship.) To balance this out, what do you think about adding a few lines about specifically why UM (the best university in the state is pretty general) and why UM will "help me to pursue a career in Biomedical Engineering?"

I bet this would make your essay even stronger. And one small correction (in red:)

Undergraduate / My addiction to fashion started when I was very young; Fashion Merchandising @ FIT [4]

Kevin's final comment was excellent. (Wish I had made it!)


My reason for not mentioning the "cliche' ending is because it has become so predictable (and sadly, acceptable) as the least objectionable or least risky form of expression that like watching FOX TV, you just don't notice or react anymore. Not noticing may not be in your favor when it comes to making an unforgettable impression on the reader - that is what Kevin is trying to encourage you to do.

Scholarship / English and Arabic "no reason for my existence" Adversities Essay Prompt ( CRITIQUES) [4]



SUCCEED IN WHAT? ASIDE FROM SUCCESS AS A ROLE MODEL TO YOUR BROTHER DEMONSTRATING STRENGTH TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY, WHAT KIND OF SUCCESS DO YOU DREAM OF ACHIEVING AS A COMPUTER SCIENTIST?

Undergraduate / Tastes in music, Damien Rice - unniversity of Chicago [3]

Nice essay: coherent and fresh. Some typos and suggestions:

Undergraduate / The European Youth Parliament - Common App. Short Answer [5]

I don't know a lot about European Youth Parliament but it sounds like is a powerful group activity for highschool students, similar to the League of Nations experience I had. Aside from having to get dressed up in suits, it was exciting to go to the UN and have real debates (in our make believe roles.) Did you have any of that besides singing songs, rolling in the mud, cheap hostels and games?

Your last sentence is excellent! Was the common beginning feeling that all your EYP mates shared the same desire for a better future? Frankly, it would help to get a sense of this from your first sentence. Was the singing the most memorable part of your EYP experience? If it was teambuilding, do you have another example? What was the "true personality revelation" you had?

Undergraduate / Meaningful Event (Leadership Seminar) - UF Essay [2]

The "you" in the beginning of the essay is totally different from the one at the end!!


What was the most difficult about writing the letter asking or granting forgiveness? Why did this affect you so mcuh? Was this the first time you had to be honest and open to yourself in front of other people? (you don't mention that you had to share the letter with others.)

Also, don't forget to answer the second part of the prompt:
how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Undergraduate / Bob, a Police Officer - someone who has made an impact on your life [3]

Are you a part of the Coppell Police Explorer Post? You write that you jointed the post - in what capacity did you work with Officer Bob? (Why not just call him Bob or Officer, not both in parenthesis.) It would be interesting to read about some examples of how you grew working together. I am not sure you have done justice to Bob -he doesn't quite come to life in your essay. You say


As a reader, I would like to read bout what those actions were, what were the influences?

Undergraduate / Biotechnology, why do you want to attend? Governor's School of ET in Tennessee [4]

Interesting examples of biotech!! You demonstrate a passion for this. I've pointed out some incomplete sentences you might want to fix:

In ways we - Who is "we" - do you mean mankind ?always try to manage the world, change it to accustom (do you mean accomodate??) our desires, We do it when we culture bacteria. NowAt present, we have moved to new heights in the field of biotechnology that would have beenwere previously considered impossible, we have cloned animals and developed a method of organ and tissue regeneration. There will always be advancements in the field of technology, especially in biotechnology. Biotechnology is the basis of many different kinds of research in the fields of environment, food science, robotics, agriculture and medicine. In twenty years many new progressions can take place, such as new modernizations in the area of red biotechnology could impact life on earth over the next twenty years. Red biotechnology deals with the making of substances used in medicine and pharmaceuticals, similar to vaccines, proteins, antibiotics and vitamins.

Perhaps in twenty years we could find a cure for notorious diseases, for instance HIV. By using a modified virus based protein encoding similar to a 2d PAGE called a "3d PAGE" to find the complex protein patterns of the retrovirus, Then by injecting tiny microprocessors inside the body, having the different cures to the changing protein codes, this could combat the virus like any regular white blood cell would . With this new innovation, the "3d PAGE" would revolutionize medicine by generating immeasurable amounts of new medicine. There is so much possible in the world of biotechnology that it would be impossible to just name some of hundreds of ideas for innovations .

Undergraduate / "studying finance" - Elaborating My Future [4]

Hello Jane,
You don't need to think out loud in your essay, especially in the first sentence. Only in the middle of your second paragraph did you provide relevant information. I completed your sentence by defining finance as your choice. Stating a positive is easier to understand than a negative (as in your first sentence.)


"while my inquisitiveness, urge to enhance my critical thinking, and zeal were the ultimate decision making factors. WHAT ULTIMATE DECISION MAKING FACTORS?? The latter were those that eliminated engineering out of my consideration. WHICH LATTER ELIMINATED ENGINEERING? CRITICAL THINKING AND ZEAL? WHY SO?


Thinking, analyzing and problem solving are general aspects, not exclusive to the financial adviser profession...engineer,s scientists, teachers, even housewives have these skills. Upon re-reading your essay several times, I still did not have a clear idea of what makes finance fit YOU as you describe yourself. Aside from rationalization, was there anything else that made you want to be a financial adviser? Role models? Ambitions? Highschool adviser?

Some suggestions/corrections:



Here is a more direct way to make your point:
I envision enthusiastically working with companies that help individuals or corporations overcome their difficulties in deciding on the best investments to invest their money and to make the most profitable business decisions.

Undergraduate / My addiction to fashion started when I was very young; Fashion Merchandising @ FIT [4]

Very convincing essay. I only have two small suggestions:
1) Is FIT particularly known for its fashion merchandising program? Mention some specific classes, internships, unique aspects or faculty. This would complete the point on why you want to transfer (aside from disinterested classmates.)


2) Use the addiction metaphor only once. It stands out when you use it twice.

Undergraduate / The mysteries of human memory: My Common App essay [6]

Hi Lala,
No - tying back to your treasured learning/memory "happy enough to cry" would NOT make the essay corny. It would make your essay hang together and be more engaging.


does not quite do justice as an ending. (yes, this part is corny...)
I appreciate how you tried to explain what your younger self learnt i.e. the power of emotions to make you cry when you are happy? Can you come up with another example just to strengthen the point and add focus to your essay? That's pretty powerful stuff!!