Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


Yes, actually, our annotated bibs are supposed to be:
summary
what you agree/disagree
how does this source support your thesis (the reader HAS to know exactly how you are going to use this source)


Basically, I use part of some of the sources (not like taking a couple of words and twist the critic's meaning, but actually conforms to that critic's point) and use them in my essay.

I think that in using the sources, the writer basically has to know exactly what he/she's going to talk about and use the sources in accordance, so it doesn't really matter which comes first, the research paper or the bibs. I realize just now that it would be easier to do the bibs so that you don't have to reread the sources when it comes to writing the paper. I guess that last time, I was really pressed on time and simply started the research, then went back and paraphrased the research to do the bibs (awkward... it was supposed to be the opposite)

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


with space, you'll notice that when you type in a space, the count goes down by 1 (or not depending on the program used)


With amazing academics, a central location, and a diverse student body, Harvard/Cornell/NY/... University is a perfect fit for me. see where i'm getting at?


their? what's its antecedent?


just say is? or say: my grandmother, a very ... person, taught me (or something to that effect. Making things active strengthens your essay)

your essay is decent and well written, and just like my diversity first draft...not nearly powerful enough

i see that columbia seems to be your first choice and your ivy, and you must really want to go there. to have a fair chance, u unfortunately need a much stronger essay

what's missing? personal thoughts. It's good that you have a family like that , and that you lived in 3 countries (me 2), but THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SPECIAL. I can copy paste your essay, change my dad's job, and submit it... so it's not unique enough

what makes you unique? IT'S HOW YOUR FAMILY IMPACTED YOU. HOW YOU ACT TO YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. Tell your STORY. See how each paragraph covers a different part of your life? WELL FOCUS!!!!!!! I can go all day and write 5 pages on the different parts of my life with 2-3 sentences in them, THAT'S NOT HARD. What is hard is to bring all these into 1 story and really reflect on WHO YOU ARE.


who doesn't? it would be much more powerful if somebody wrote about the opposite, just saying.


surprise...MINE TOO


wow, we must be really alike!


THAT'S THE ONLY different thing about you...and not so different. I can't boast 3 different continents, but does that make you more special than me? great, you've been to these places. HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING TO EARN IT? if not, then how does that make you special? you were lucky, sure, but so? colleges don't want lucky people, they want people with unique thinking style.


man, you don't know how i can talk about the same thing...

don't feel bad, my diversity essay was dissected and destroyed also. that doesn't change the fact that i rewrote it and created a much stronger and personal essay. It's better to talk about a special thing only YOU have even if you are not proud of it, than go about how great your life (you sure it's your life? not mine?) is.

Research Papers / Starting an Original Research Paper on Teen Pregnancy [8]


themselves?

ok, in a research paper, you end your intro with a VERY STRICT THESIS. you say EXACTLY what you want to talk about in your paper. Preferably, you state your points in order.

thesis: teen pregnancy is *para 1-x?* (bad, how bad?) and can be prevented by *para x+1* *para x+2* *para x+3*...

o, and don't forget to talk about child poverty and the influence of teen pregnancy on that

your main point is: how reducing teen pregnancy will reduce child poverty. You need to talk about this in the intro. Don't purely focus on teen pregnancy.

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]

well, what's EXACTLY is your assignment?

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


i recently (like last week) finished a research on THE METAMORPHOSIS. we had to do those annotated bibs, which states how we are going to use the articles and stuff. but it was weird cuz i pretty much did my research first, like find out what i'll talk about, and then did the annotated bibs. it's a really awkward way, but my logic is that i didn't want to put stuff not relevant in those annotated bibs, so if i don't know what i'll talk about, then i might include random stuff, then delete it...i definitely agree with you though. research should be done that way. in the future, i might be converted, who knows?


thanks for the encouragement!

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]


yea, I definitely had that thought, it really sounds like Catcher in the Rye, and the way it's structured makes the speech very real (that's how we think, like Kevin said, in a stream of consciousness). Of course, if you actually have to cover a specific point, then take Kevin's suggestion!

Undergraduate / My essay about my Irish culture and interest in Irish dance [8]

haha great! Hope you are successful in your "college hunt"

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


yup, you are totally right. that's exactly how some people write.
in my case, though, I HAVE to know exactly how to write my essays before starting it... or else I won't know what to focus on... I guess it depends on your thinking and preference.


haha, got you. i had thought something was not right, a sharp editor like you shouldn't make such a beginner mistake.


haha, thanks, but you overstate my contribution. Simply trying to improve my own writing by seeing others' ideas, and why not give some help on the way? Compared to experienced editor/writers like you, I really can't do much. <= this is not in any sarcastic, I'm completely sincere

But definitely, I hope to interact with you in future posts! Actually, I plan to post an essay tomorrow for review, I'd LOVE to get your opinion.

Thanks in advance!

Undergraduate / My aunt - the person who influenced you the most [3]


who has the most significance on me. and you should start with this directly. it's assumed that there are many people who have influenced your life


another adjective maybe? is it physically buff or psychologically tough? Strong is a generic word that might make you sound pretentious.

overall, you focus a bit too much on what your aunt did, and not enough about how that made a difference in your own life or personality. It also lacks focus. Do you want to go about education? or strength of character? or struggling with a job? if you really have to talk about all three (I wouldn't recommend... pick the one or 2 you really want to talk about and go in depth) then make sure that you say that in your intro: my aunt taught me this, this, and this. or she is this, this and this and here's how she influenced me.

It's easy to get distracted on pointless details, so try to narrow your thoughts a bit. most importantly, talk about you. the admin doesn't care about who your aunt is, but how she played a role in your life.

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]

So this is a made up story right? for a second I actually though ure like 30 lol

Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [11]


naa, I've only applied to a couple of really hard to get in schools. The others are hard, but range about 15-25% acceptance rate, so not nearly as bad as 9% lol

1/32? lucky. I'm like pure asian male, and that's like the worse thing to be in college admissions.

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


I thought that in a research paper especially, you have to state your thesis before doing anything else.
Or else the intro serves absolutely nothing. Correct me if I'm wrong.


But if you put your thesis in the conclusion, the reader has to FIND OUT what you are talking about throughout, which will not only distract, but also confuse the reader if he/she misinterpreted your ideas.

To guarantee clarity, wouldn't it be best to put thesis first?


Well, it would be good if you were in environmental science, that's all the class talks about right?

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


On this MIT app, there was the question: "describe an activity you do for pleasure" and I used a charity also!


aa, that's why the paragraph reads so much like a conclusion!


I think that you could put that at the end so that you echo your intro, but you have to be aware that your initial point and your current point are completely different, so you need to tie piano back to the fact that you absorb a lot of culture.

As it is, it feels like you have 2 thesis within one essay. You need to merge them in the conclusion at least.

Undergraduate / Engineering, an Artist - Critique my UVA Supplement essays? [7]

yea, find some unique stuff about them. Even if it's not unique, they'll be happy if they see that you actually went thru their website


you're welcome, from my personal experience, I realized that shock, or bluntness, does make your point clearer and will influence your target into action. It all started when I got my own essay destroyed by my english teacher, who weirdly graduated from harvard... yea what a waste, i hope that when his kid grow older he'll go back doing some real stuff.

but good luck on your apps. you are a very strong writer and I'm sure you will do great wherever you go.

Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [11]


haha same here, I'll prob get rejected by both MIT and Harvard, but... who knows?


Don't wanna give you useless worries, but think of it this way: 90% of people WILL have OUTSTANDING scores and grades. By outstanding, I mean at least 2200 in SAT (most likely >2300) and only A's and all AP classes... therefore, the only thing that can distinguish you from another top student is through the essays, and harvard only asks for 2.

Personally, I've got the minimum requirement, being grades and SAT's and AP's and all this crap, but honestly, harvard, MIT, stanford, Princeton, yale... all these top schools only look a bit at these, since they could pretty much fill their classes with National Merit, but that would have no point.

unless you have native american blood, don't put ur chances too high, or u will get disappointed.

now, it's a different question if you've got some international awards...or some sort of olympiads. those help hen?

Undergraduate / Introduction on my brother's influence on me [5]

Of course, you gotta exaggerate in the intro. That's what it's for right? to attract the reader's attention with hyperbolic statement.

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]


lol... that's not the right word, it's coming.


why this comment in the middle of describing your chores? maybe you need spontaneity in monologues?

honestly, I don't really understand monologues, but apart from some spelling mistakes (i know spelling doesn't matter in monologues), there's no major grammar mistakes or such.

Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [11]


not sure i'd make it sound that negative, it kinda overstate your weakness.


what if you just said backed down? it carries more momentum this way

your first essay absolutely answers the prompt, but I'm not so sure how harvard would see your almost to the level of hatred toward a teacher.

I mean although that teacher is criticized a lot and such, he would simply be "strict" and is actually a very responsible teacher. What if you have a similar teacher at harvard?

would you hate him as well?
my point is that the admin might interpret your loathing of the teacher as ungrateful and self aggrandizing and because of this label your experience as a flaw of character instead of a strength.

--------------


the fact that you already said never implies this, and it's too far from its verb


was that the only reason? if so, then you are a really magnanimous person lol


strength and found


I put almost forty hours


of course, you were the main character... how about simply congratulating you on a great performance?


so why did you talk about the burnout thing in the intro?
and you probably wanna tone down the "extremely grateful" part
you put away your costume for good... forever? if that's not what you meant, then you don't really need this sentence.

actually, harvard does have a prompt for the supplement:
- Unusual circumstances in your life
- Travel or living experiences in other countries
- Books that have affected you the most
- An academic experience (course, project, paper, or research topic) that has meant the most to you
- A list of the books you have read during the past twelve months
it said that this is a part where you could put extra info, but it also listed these possible topics... so I wouldn't try to be dramatically different from these topics, but what do i know

You could either make this your achievement essay in common app and write another one that answers one of the prompts, or you could ignore me lol

overall, you have a good writing style and a very focused mind. however, try to avoid sounding too negative or too conceited. avoid extreme descriptions of yourself (like when you said: "extremely grateful" or "favorite character")

btw, I'm applying to harvard 2:D i turned in mine 1 week ago...not so sure about acceptance. Is this your top choice? What do you think your chances are?

Undergraduate / B.U.- "This is me, and Boston is where I would like to be" essay : )) [4]


great, but you already talked about that in



colon maybe? and sorry, i really didn't get the subtraction soup reference.
and should be : the more I consume, the hungrier I become for knowledge.

in movies, and even in novels -> in movies and novels


why not make this entire thing about you? you could say: but I think that bla bla, and I am dedicated and bla bla. avoid universal truth. talk about YOU

You are a big wordier you need to be on that one, and try incorporate more personal thoughts/examples.


couldn't you make this in 1 sentence?
the school colors, white and scarlet which symbolizes blabla, reminded me of...
peace and blood, you sure that's the kinda balance you want to make? I don't think boston wanted their scarlet or crimson or red color to be for war or sin. btw, try not using scarlet, it reminds me of scarlet letter in which is has a VERY NEGATIVE connotation


transition?


so what are the experiences? the second sentence in no way links to the first one. (yes, i get that you talk about the city in second sentence, but apart from that, they don't link)


repeat?
and btw, i can picture myself clearly in this university also. it tells 0 about you


so the only part that actually answers the question is when you said: when I visited Boston two summers ago.
true, the question implies that you have to talk about why you like the college, but MUST overshadows implies and YOU NEED TO ANSWER THE QUESTION FIRST.

talk about your visit (in which you can incorporate all the stuff), and talk about what steps you have taken to learn more about us lol this sounds just like the prompt! absolutely no pun intended :D

good luck.

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


he's right on that one... this doesn't really reflect on your main point which should be:


right?

Anyway, the essay's main idea is pretty well stated, you won't have too much trouble because you didn't link that well your anecdote since the reader gets who you are.

I'm applying to UPenn too! So why did you have to rush? cuz I didn't apply yet... i'm a big procrastinator.

Undergraduate / Introduction on my brother's influence on me [5]


past?


wow, how old were you?

I fell head first from the bed, wouldn't this be more to the point?

nice intro, i wonder how you are going to continue, with more examples of your bro's magnanimity?

to appease your fears, the intro does its job, very captivating. with this you can begin the creation of a masterpiece. no pressure.

Undergraduate / THIS IS WHO I AM - Commom App Writing Prompt... [4]


haha, why did you write this one then? out of pure boredom?

Undergraduate / Engineering, an Artist - Critique my UVA Supplement essays? [7]

hope you read this before submitting


really, this sentence is just fluff. nicely written, but not your point.
if you take this out, the story flows with the same intensity as before (perhaps even more focused)


NO! biomedical engineering DEFINITELY DOESN'T MEAN both engineering and medicine. Sorry to be so blatantly sarcastic, but why not do some research and ACTUALLY FIND SPECIFIC PROGRAMS THAT HIT THE SPOT?

Apart from this, very nice ending. The paragraph you dedicate to the school is enough to show your understanding of the program as long as you add some less generic statements.

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


maybe: learn how my


a "Russian soul?"

verb tense incoherent. Try putting everything in past tense except what you are thinking in the present, or still believe in.


soar inside


I get that you are trying to emphasize your strength of communication and interaction with others, and through this, acquire more viewpoints, but it's an awkward comparison and can be possibly confusing at first glance (that's all they will do to decide if your story is interesting enough or not)

you want to be to the point, and brief. so my suggestion is that you directly say what you want to say, which is that you will interact with others and gain more viewpoints.

Overall, no big issues, since you chose topic of your choice, you definitely have more freedom.
although encumbered with a few grammar and verb tense issues (you should definitely get this edited by a teacher before you submit) it has a distinct focus and expresses your background diversity as well as internal diversity.

job well done

I just hope that you didn't talk about piano as your short answer, cuz that'll just be redundant, and well, boring.

Undergraduate / Engineering, an Artist - Critique my UVA Supplement essays? [7]

I get you are trying to emphasize eureka, but try using another word for it, especially in your new paragraph.


I know that studying physics at MIT would streamline my future paths of discovery.
see my point? you really don't provide anything special about U VA, I mean, this program HAS to have something that ESPECIALLY interest you right?

Prompt 2: magnificent. It's not only clever, but also very well written and UNIQUE. that's what all colleges want to see, why choose YOU over 1000 other applicants.

Overall, you have enviable writing style, but your first prompt doesn't quite hit the


who truly show interest in that particular institution.

Writing Feedback / An essay about build a new factory near our community [3]

man... it's so awesome that you teach the admin how ecology work, and how global worming work, and how it sux for the people... but WHERE IS THE YOU IN ALL THIS!!! THE ADMIN DOESN'T GIVE A F ABOUT ALL THE STUFF, HE/SHE CAN JUST TURN ON THE TV OR READ THE NEWS FOR THIS!!! If I were the admin, I'd think of your essay as a great local newspaper stuff, BUT NOT APPLICATION ESSAY!!!

This topic is actually tricky. It wants to know how aware you are about the problems of this world, yet YOU HAVE TO SAY HOW THIS IMPACT YOU!!! It's you who are applying, not the trees who die or the people who work hard for little money.

The prompt (btw, try posting the prompt next time) asks for a concern that impact YOU!!! why should the admin care about the world, when he/she is reading your essay?

Again, I have to say that none of the things you talked about tell anything about you in particular. I'm sure that in AP Environmental science, they talk about this stuff 24/7, and the admin really doesn't give a s*** about it.

aight, how to make it better then?

1. talk about how it influences YOUR LIFE
2. do you have a family member who suffer from any lung disease? If so, then talk about how this worsens their state, and through that expand to nature or whatever. If not, then make up a story where you saw your mom or somebody begin to regularly cough cuz of that.

Sorry to say that you have to make up stuff, but this is really not a good topic, it's 2 narrow. If you really want to talk about pollution, then DO SO. but don't try mixing economics with that.

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]

state theses for both views in your intro (2 sentences), then say while the belief that -pro view- seemingly contrasts with -con view-, these actually have much in common in that -your own view-.

then organize your essay as in depth discussion of pro view, con view, and your own view.

It's a great idea as long as you have PLENTY of support.

Undergraduate / THIS IS WHO I AM - Commom App Writing Prompt... [4]

As I looked down the sugar-coated mountain, my mind began to race. The blood pumping through my ears drowned out the music blasting from my earphones. - nice writing, but unnecessary detail that distracts the reader


be careful, are you trying to say that you would miss school work for snowboarding?
also, hell is a very unnecessary and possibly offending word in this case. try to be formal


again, try to be more formal, don't directly address to the reader


didn't you just say that you daydreamed in the day and caught up your homework at night? how does that link to "slow, geeky, and dull". watch out for your use of word here. geeky implies that you are smart, yet dull has the exact opposite meaning, as well as slow.

these adjectives are unsupported by examples


look, you need to get rid of the thought that you are writing to a peer. this kind of language is "demanding" and could potentially offend the reader, now you really don't want that


wow, you've come a long way from equilibrium. Now it's patience?


If I'm not wrong, your topic should be the first one,
" Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." right?
Unless it's the topic of your choice...
but if I happen to be right, your essay is a bit off topic. While it's an experience all right, it's not significant in that YOU DO THIS EVERY YEAR!!! It's more like the Short answer that asks for an activity you do for fun.

To make it significant, you could talk about your FIRST snowing experience, and how that not only changed your own perception of yourself, but also others' perception of you, which you kinda mentioned in a vague way. FOCUS on the CHANGE that takes place in you BECAUSE OF SNOWBOARDING. It's essential that you actually talk about what you think, and not simply how you snowboard, or how you break bones and stuff.

Get an editor, and please try to be formal... remember they are middle aged geniuses... depending on where you apply.

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]


LOL finally somebody who's not afraid to admit that! I actually wrote my diversity essay kinda based on this haha


Thanks man, but your essay really isn't crappy at all. It has a distinct flavor that I'm sure Cornell will appreciate. I'm doing mine on Econ tho, cuz CEO's r the most moneymaking bastards ever lol

Undergraduate / human evolution - Does this essay sound too much like a rant? [7]


Agreed, you need to focus on "my background, my experiences, and my community" and pound examples into the officer.

I see how you need to focus on dream, but


is largely unconnected. Try incorporate how the impact your family had on you shaped your dreams.

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]


Wow, an athlete (and football) on top of a computer geek! (sorry for using this work, but I love computer science as well :D)

Well, good luck, I'm actually writing the same essay now haha.

Undergraduate / UC2: The piano, a song in many different ways [5]


Constructive commentary? It's part of this website's requirement.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the best advise and given - feedback [6]


Sorry, but I don't see anything about talent mentioned in the prompt... maybe I missed it?


It's assumed that the "best" here refers to advice, so the second part is actually : what's the best advice you've ever given, not what's the best performance.

Sorry if I'm wrong, just trying to help.

Undergraduate / "judgement awaited me" - Boston University essay 1 [5]

I never thought I would be as devoted as I am today. After all growing up was so easy. I jumped from one activity to the next. It seemed to me that everything was a breeze. I never spent more than an hour on homework and never had to worry about time. - wordy, try to reduce that to a couple of sentences, after all it's not your main point.

In a college setting being devoted takes patience, perseverance, and time management skills all of which ...I possess??(don't know if I should put this)

- I possess the patience, perseverance, and time management qualities that are required to succeed in college.
- with my p, p, tm qualities, I believe that I would thrive in a college environment.

---
Try varying your sentences. Combine a couple maybe?
Also, this time, you did provide many examples, but the reader doesn't see how it links to your point.
SAY: MY DEVOTION IS SHOWN THROUGH... and I AM RESPONSIBLE BECAUSE... and THIS DEMONSTRATES MY PERSISTENCE.
(The conclusion has to echo your intro, so instaed of the patience and time management, put devotion and responsibility)

This type of structure might be a bit too straightforward, but unless you can provide a story or something that cleverly incorporate all the things you want to talk about, it's better to be straightforward than confusing.

Writing Feedback / What is Swadhyay? [3]

Sorry, what's the prompt?

Is this a college essay? if it is, it needs to be more personal.

Can't help you beyond that considering the little info you provide.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]


True, they'll accept it, but if you want to have a fair chance at the college, you gotta make them LOVE it.

On Collegeboard, there's also an essay that talks about dating, check it out!

Undergraduate / "I love languages" - Multilingualism [6]

Haru21, no need to panic, editing essays is an inherent part of the process. I personally got an essay (that I thought was pretty good, and that my current english teacher thought was good) DESTROYED by my 10th grade Harvard grad english teacher. So I had to rewrite.

Remember, they want to know about what you think, not necessarily about the events in your life. So talk about your THOUGHTS. your INSIGHTS. WHY IS MULTILINGUALISM important!

I had the chance to live in Canada, so I speak Chinese, French, and English, and I recognize the joy in that. But that doesn't make me special. See, many can speak different languages and enjoy it, but it's not because of that that you are in anyway different. You need to show HOW YOU ARE DIFFERENT.

1 way to go: discuss in depth the cultures that link to the languages to show your inherent understanding of them.

Or, you could discuss how you learned these and the difficulties you went thru. Not just how hard they are, but how much stress they put on you PSYCHOLOGICALLY (of course, you could add hardworking in that)

Or, you could talk about the things you want to do with these languages: I have these languages and am ambitious heart, and they influenced me into becoming this kind of person, wishing to do these kinds of things.

O, and don't scatter your thoughts by trying to cover all the languages you know. Focus on some that you really like.

Think about this topic in depth, the possibilities are limitless.

Courage.

Undergraduate / Prompt 2- "to honor the life of a departed friend" [9]


lol your intro does have that effect

To answer your question, NO it wouldn't fit in the second one. This prompt feels to me like they really want to know what's good about you, a quality or achievement, so I recommend that you save this essay for another topic, maybe the common app one describing an important person, or else you'd have to rework it to underline your strength.

But honestly, it feels that you pretty much hated this experience, so I wouldn't recommend a rework, it will feel forced.

Undergraduate / USC Essay: Not So Fun Water Slide. [5]


Depends on how you view it. If you want power in your essay, then make your essay fast paced and keep hooking the reader. If you want poetry in your essay, then this serves the point, but kills the momentum a bit. So it's up to you.

Again, I would rework on the conclusion because it doesn't fit with the rest of the story in which you CLEARLY said how much you love your bro, which is the topic.

Otherwise, well written and organized, and nice story.

Writing Feedback / Spirits and rituals concept essay [7]

Not gonna lie, didn't understand most of it...but the admin might.


so it's not a college essay?
If it's not, then I take back ALL my comments.