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Posts by poisonivy
Joined: Dec 26, 2009
Last Post: Jan 15, 2010
Threads: 14
Posts: 102  

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Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "Archie's comics" - a horribly written essay for mount holyoke-criticism wanted [4]

As I read on, I smiled as I gradually realized that the child within me was as fascinated as the first time she laid hands on an Archie's issue.

there is a repetition going on here: as i read on, I smile as I gradually realized... So, replace one of the "as"s, perhaps you could replace the second one with "when".

Yes, I am nineteen. Yes, I am standing on the threshold of adult life.

This is just personal opinion.

But that does not mean I tell myselfthink that I'm too grown up to enjoy a favorite childhood pastime.

I generally liked your essay. It looks sincere and fun.
Could you help me with mine please?
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Admissions Essay - Character of Fiction...#4 [5]

I like this essay a lot. It is thoroughly original: from the fact you have chosen to talk about a tv show to the way you make your choice so apt by making a great response to the prompt.

Though, you should talk more about yourself and do it in a parallel way. So, within a paragraph you can describe something about the show and how it connects to you. Also, what do you aspire to become in the future? I think you should include your plans and ambitions a bit too, to make it more personal.

Could you please take a look at mine (short answers)? thanks!
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Best friend Monica - Someone important to me. [5]

In my life, in the last group there is my best friend Monica.

I don't like this sentence much...it's too...simple.

We felt that incredible connection

hmm...make this a bit milder

This works perfectly with Monica and I

Together, we learned what sharing is aboutmeans .

I think "is about" is too colloquial.

I remember a time when we had a long struggle trying to convince some classmates that cheating in exams was not a good idea at all. We both shared the same opinion and tried to transmit it to our friends in school.

Don't say just this. Say also what happened, how did your friends react? So elaborate more on this.

Furthermore, she always tells me when I am doing something that she believes is wrong

Just my idea, because it seems a bit harsh the way you have it.

At times it has been hard, because we are often blind to our own errors, but because of her, I have learned to be tolerant.

You start this sentence with "she corrects my mistakes" and end it with "now I'm more tolerant". To say the truth, the connection between these two is rather vague.

While they would demand their mother to buy thema new pairs of Nike shoes every year, Monica would refrain herself of(I believe it is from, though I'm not sure) asking her mom to buy her
a blouse for her in years.

She believes in me more than anyone else; even when I failed to do so, she was there to make reborn my hope.

- "to do so" is a bit vague, maybe put another verb there, for example "to be confident"

"You will do big things;
I am sure of that.

Unlike family, which we do not chose and whose ties are unbreakable and exist forever whether we wantedit
or not,

They stays only if they want to and they are not bound to give love

With Monica I have learned that friendship is real, that true friendship exists

I removed that part because it was the same as the other one. Also, your ending sentence should also say something of the type "she has helped me become the person I am today".

Well, I did my best and I hope I helped you. Good luck!
Could you have a look at my short answers? (won't take you much time, promise) :)
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Essay - Looking back, ten years from now. [5]

Ten years ago I had only my destination, with a large heavy ambition to succeed.

large and heavy are not the best modifiers for ambition. You could simply say "great"

Temple has given me my degree and 4 years of knowledge and resources in abundance and an environment where I cancould

Learning gives you what you need to make your goals possible. Remembering your past is how you prepare for you future.

I think these two sentences are very general and not well connected to the rest of the paragraph

When I look at my past, I realize how closely I measured all of my decisions and outcomes, and in particular , how closely they kept me going the direction I wanted to be going.

Again very general, it doesn't tell anything about you.

I think this essay could be much better in that it should address to the prompt. The prompt is very specific: "write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation". You say almost nothing of what your essay asks you: what path (profession) have you chosen, what have you achieved till now, what are your projects for the future, maybe specifically how a great department of this University has taught you the main things your present is based upon.

I hope I helped. Please,could you take a look at mine?
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Favourite book, teacher and subject (really short answers). [3]

Could you please tell me what do you think about these short answers? Thanks for your help; I'll make sure to help you back. :)

- Name the secondary school teacher who has most influenced you and briefly explain why. (200)
Name (Literature)

She fostered me with passion. Deeply loving her profession, she inspired me to immerse in the beauty of Arts. Her insight pushed me towards deeper layers and helped me open new doors to my horizon.

- What subjects most interest you and why? (Note: This is not a commitment to major in this area.) Characters available 400
The perfection of nature has always been object of observation and amazement to me. In Biology, my imagination found freedom and my innate curiosity led me into infinite series of why-s, which I could not always answer. Yet, this has not held me back, on the contrary, it has motivated me to expand my limits, trying to reach for depths that have not yet been discovered. I have thirst for knowledge.

- Do you have a tentative (or firm) career plan (or dream)? Please describe it. (400)
My immutable attraction to Biology makes me consider Neuroscience a great possibility for my future. Neuroscience is compatible with my passions, since it blends both humanity and science, both brains and emotions. In a field as Neuroscience, where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change.

- Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop? (300)
Carleton amazes me with the freedom it radiates. I do not want to simply learn; I want to experience, to share my unusual ideas with unique, diverse people. I want to explore, to stroll down the Carleton Arb and lay in (is it lay in or lay on?) the green of the Lyman Lakes. As Carletonians say "I want to embrace life fully".

-From your reading, whether children's books or classics, what books or authors have particularly impressed you and why? (500)

The place of honor in my bookshelf and in my art-loving heart belongs to Remarque. As I walk through his lines, I feel the innermost importance that humanity has in shaping a person. I love the sensitivity, passion, and philosophies of life of his characters. They all live under the pressure of war and in this atmosphere of anxiety, insecurity, impotence to change the present and to predict the future, they taught me that the only way to live is by loving and being loved.

To the moderators: please do not merge this post with my "why brown" post like you did last time, they are completely different things!
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / I visited the university campus - Cornell College of Arts and Sciences Supplement [6]

Since the catastrophe of my eight-year-old internship

- hmmm...this looks like your internship is 8 years old, not like you were that age. Of course, it is logical that the "8 year old" defines you, though I believe that grammatically it is not correct. Try rephrasing it.

I truly enjoyed this essay. It flows well, it is interesting and fun, and the most important, it addresses the prompt really well. Great job!

I'd appreciate if you helped me with mine. Thanks :)
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "My height, my background" - tell us about yourself [5]

My height!, definitely is the conspicuous thing you observe at your first glance at me.

I don't understand why after "my height" it is an exclamation mark? I think it is not grammatically correct.

Could it be my pair of lenses or the constant smile on my face that makes the first glance insufficient that you just want another?

The second part of the sentence: "that makes the first glance insufficient that you just want another?" is a bit awkward, i had to read it a few times to catch the meaning. You should rephrase it to make it clearer.

Wait a second, you have not known me if you have no idea of my background.

- wait a second? isn't it too colloquial?

Originating from a country as Nigeria, with a diverse culture which lays emphasis on respect and family, the number of family members varies; we could be six today but thirteen the next day,
for extended family members are welcome at any time.

My mother turned to my siblings and said, "your brother has set the pace; follow him and overtake him."

Well, I have to say that this essay has not the best flow. I don't catch the connection between the height and then the family details. Maybe you could remove the first paragraph?

Hope I helped. Please help me with mine :)
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / BU three words: My dwarf name. [4]

I believe its in past since you are recurring an event that has happened in the past. Anyways, your choice. :)
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Brown - poetic, maybe too much? [4]

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1000 characters)

Because my most treasured possessions: favorite sweater, stuffed friend and chocolate are brown. Because I adore the sight of the Wayland Tower under a white veil. Because brown.edu is my homepage. Because the mentoring of a Nobel prize winner, Leon Cooper, and an overall brilliant faculty would make my academic experience unparalleled. Because I look forward to satisfying my restless desire for exploration through the vast opportunities of Independent Neuroscience Research. Because I see in Brown a globalized environment whose diversity I can yet foster - I crave for Albania to join the countries represented in Brown's student body. Because Brown means freedom to both concentrate in Neuroscience and fully experience my passion for theater. Because I want to share my unusual ideas with unique, diverse people. Because I want to emerge in the vibrant student life by becoming an emPOWER activist and adopting a grandparent.

And because I want to embrace life fully, I already feel a brunonian.
(this is 1003 char.)

Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above?
Today I understand what Einstein meant when he said that everything is relative. 45 minutes practically seem years when I have to solve relativity problems, while they pass as a brain-refreshing breeze when I am emerged in those beautiful class discussions in Biology. During 4 years of Biology classes throughout high-school, I have experienced the excitement of discovering things that hooked me, the possibility to provide answers to many questions and a natural curiosity to find out more. However, many "why"s are still unanswered. "Why do we dream? What are the emotions? How are the memories stored?" It is surprising that science, with its galloping advance, has no answer to these questions. I am drawn to Neuroscience because I want to find the answers, to expand my limits, to reach for depths which have not yet been discovered. In a field where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change.

How do you find them? Any suggestions (both grammar and content)? Thank you a lot. :)
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Rice by a Taiwanese [3]

In terms of academic, Rice focuses on its undergraduate education while other big schools regard more of its graduate program. - they already know this. you should start the sentence with "I value" or "I appreciate"

I want to make lifetime friendships in my " new home" and enjoy the collaborative atmosphere with peers from all over the world.
Houston's subtropical climate, large Chinese population, and a friendly Chinese Church I know make me feel like at home in Taiwan.
Besides thrilling big-city experience, Houston, offers various internship and research opportunities that will expose me to an education experience that I have never imagined. - mention a few

I'd also suggest you had a shorter, stronger ending sentence.
Overall your essay is good, clear and straightforward.
Could you help me with mine, please?
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Columbia short answers - books, shows, and why Columbia [6]

Thank you for your feedback.
@ Kenny: Well, I tried to cover the most that I could and to express my personality in the meantime. I wanted to make it fun and random, specific, serious and poetic - all in one. Do you have any suggestions for the last sentences? Plus how did you find the other replies? Thank you.
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Columbia short answers - books, shows, and why Columbia [6]

Guys I'd love if you could help me with these. I'm international and I dont know if some books are cliche in USA. So please give me your opinions and suggestions on these answers (esp. on the why Columbia). Thanks a lot :)

1- List the books you read for pleasure in the past year:
"The Arch of Triumph" - Erich Maria Remarque,
"The Shadow of the Wind" - Carlos Ruiz Zafón,
"Rule by Secrecy" - Jim Marrs,
"My Name is Red" - Orhan Pamuk,
"Love In The Time Of Cholera" - Gabriel García Márquez,
"The Alchemist" - Paolo Coelho
"Memoirs Of A Geisha" - Arthur Golden

2- List the required readings you enjoyed most in the past year:
"Anna Karenina" - Leo Tolstoy
"Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl",
"Madame Bovary" - Gustave Flaubert
"Three Comrades" - Erich Maria Remarque
"The Hunchback of Notre Dame" - Victor Hugo
"Father Goriot" - Honore de Balzac

3- List the print and/or electronic publications you read regularly:
"Volleyworld" magazine

4- List the films, performances, exhibits, concerts, shows, etc. you enjoyed most in the past year:
2012 (directed by Roland Emmerich)
FIVB World Cup
"Salome" (opera by R. Strauss)

5- Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why:
Why Columbia? Because I love blue. Because I adore the sight of the Alma Mater statue under a cover of whiteness. Because columbia.edu is my homepage. Because the mentoring of two Nobel prize winners, Eric Kandel and Richard Axel, would make my academic experience unparalleled. Because I am looking forward to diving in the SURF program and to exploring through vast opportunities of independent study and undergraduate Neuroscience research. Because I see in Columbia a globalized environment whose diversity I can yet foster. Because I want excellence. Because I am not afraid to fly higher.
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "all processes of creation" - Rice Supp - Why Engineering? [6]

Logic and creativity had worked side by side. - just this sentence is not enough! Again, elaborate more on this. I know you have added also the first sentence of the paragraph, though the analogy between you and the mouse still leaves me perplexed. Also, your ending should be stronger than this.
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "all processes of creation" - Rice Supp - Why Engineering? [6]

Thanks for helping me!
Truthfully, I still see no important connection between the example you offer in your last paragraph and the rest. All I see in the story of the mouse, besides a nice, funny episode to make the essay more original, is the importance of originality and practical ideas in problem solving. Is it just that, or sth more? In any case, you should at least explain with a line why you put that example and how the mouse is similar to you.

As I said, apart of that, the essay is really great, shows all your passion and is witty and fun.
Could you please have a look at my revised version of "why duke"? Thanks in advance.
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "all processes of creation" - Rice Supp - Why Engineering? [6]

Such a nice essay. Just one suggestion: I dont see the last paragraph very apt or enough connected with the rest of the essay. Either remove it, or provide a better link to the rest.

Otherwise, your essay was fun, original and interesting to read. Well done!
Could you help me with mine please?
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Duke?- excellent academics and vibrant community. [6]

Why Duke?

Duke has aced my two evaluation tests: the test of fondness and the test of academic excellence. I want to be part of Duke because I think we two can make up a great symbiosis together.

My immutable attraction to Biology makes me consider Neuroscience a great possibility for my future. Undeniably, Duke has been a perfect architect
for medical futures; this is why it has remained on the top of my college list. Neuroscience in Duke, as a thoroughly interdisciplinary major with emphasis on research and discovery, is the perfect fit for me. In such a field, where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change. The possibilities for internships, independent studies, labs and Research Practicum that Duke offers represent to me unique experiences that I would not let slip.

In Duke I really feel that I can embrace life fully. I want to share my unusual ideas with unique, diverse people. I want to be part of an amazingly diverse environment as that of Duke. As an international student, I feel I have so much to share with the other students, may it be a bit of Albanian language or the Albanian traditional curd pie, as well as my dreams and my windows to the world. I want to emerge in the vivacious student life by joining the Duke's women club volleyball and volunteering in the DukeEngage to continue the exciting experience of community service in a larger scale. I don't want to simply learn, I want to explore and experience beyond the classroom. Always in my life I have pursued challenges aiming for excellence: that's why I am now knocking in the doors of Duke University, hoping to make it my future home.
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "Helen" - Common App People Who Influenced Essay. [11]

i loved this! really nice.
just a suggestion, better remove the part:
As I look back into the past, I realized that I depended on Helen too often. Although we are no longer as close as we once were, I feel that she ultimately changed who I am today.

Good luck :)
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / why vassar essay - "My canvas" [16]

Guys, could you give me any last suggestions please? (I'm submitting this in 10 min!)
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU 5 Supplements "Day with Adam Richman, Haiku..etc" [12]

Nice job! I don't have anything to say about the 3 last answers, they're original and well written. Though, your poem isn't so captivating... I'd suggest to make it longer, not just 3 short lines.

Could you help me with mine please?
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / pianists, music - Common App- Short Description of Activities [3]

I picked up my first violin when I was six and I struck the keys of a piano when I was four. - I believe you must make it chronological, so first say the piano, then the violin

It is in the course of the ubiquitous music in my life that I was able to grow with fondness and in self confidence.
Their finger movements were like those of spiders, moving up and down the piano with stealth; it was my cue to follow the path of music.

This is a really good short essay, conveys all your passion and is concrete in examples as well. well done!
Please, take a look at mine if you have time :)
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Grinnell Supplement: How did I come to know G & a new Mascot/Nickname for G [2]

Though I was only ten back then, I recalled my visit as I began my college search... - it could be useful to explain a bit how did you feel about Grinnell back then?

and explored Grinnell online
Moreover, Grinnell's students are also like icebergs in that they embody the 90% of potentials and a pursuit of scholarship as pure as the pure water constituting icebergs. - this is a bit vague, please reword it.

Hope I helped. Please help me as well :)
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 1. Would you tell us about a few of your favorite books - University of Chicago [6]

Captivating essay! It really tells a lot, and even though it talks about Jordan, I can see there you and your humanity.
Jordan would never be offered the place marks of a so-called "normal life," yet radiated joy like sunshine. - yet is shown to indicate contradiction, while there is none in this sentence. You can replace it with an "and" or sth similar.

Although always smiling and brimming with happiness, my time with Jordan stirred my curiosity on the nature of happiness. - the modifier is placed wrongly, it looks like your time with Jordan is smiling and brimming

Overall great essay. Please, help me with mine :)
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay- Saturday Afternoon [9]

I liked you essay! It was simple, yet very nice and meaningful.
I think it should be prompt 3.
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

I think this fits well to the prompt, though if you are not sure, there's no big deal in choosing "Topic of your choice" (thats what i did)

Good luck in your colleges!
Could you please help me with mine? Thanks :)
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "my intellectual and emotional being" - Tufts Supplement [3]

Having learned the extremes my family faced to escape a corrupted society to provide me with the opportunity to grow as an intellect, has pushed me to pursue an exceptional character as well as to challenge myself academically. - maybe you could say instead of "having learned" something stronger, like "having witnessed"

Also, there is something I find in your essay: although it is pretty well-written, it doesn't have a great variety of sentence structures. Here you have only long sentences. To improve your essay, you can cut some long sentence into 2 pieces.

I hope I helped
Could you help me with my short questions? thanks!
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Short, funny Yale responses [4]

Could you give me some advice on these responses in Yale's supplement?

-What would you do with a free afternoon?
A hectic time of applications has unfortunately forced me to limit the time I spend with my friends. I wish I could dedicate them some time, maybe cycling in park.

- Recall a compliment you received that you especially value. What was it? From whom did it come?
"I have heard that eyes are the mirror of the soul. You must have beautiful eyes." - my best friend (I don't know how appropriate that is)

- What two qualities do you admire most in other people?
Humanity and courage. (am i supposed to expand on these?)
- What do you wish you were better at being or doing?
I wish I could get enough of few hours of sleep. There are so many things to do in a day, so sleep is my most prosecuted activity.

- If you were choosing students to form a Yale class, what question would you ask here that we have not?
Which is your favorite line of a song?

-What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? Please limit your response to the space provided. (500 CHAR.)
I have two versions:
1 -To me, Yale epitomizes the golden balance. The combination between specialized knowledge and broad liberal arts background is the most apt for my intended career: Neuroscience, which blends both biology and psychology. Yale will give me the opportunity to gain an excellent education, without having to give up my passions, as theater and volleyball. I want to embrace life fully: that's why I see Yale as the perfect architect of my future.

2 - Why Yale? Because I love blue. Because I adore the sight of the Harkness Tower under a cover of whiteness. Because yale.edu is my homepage. Because I love the balance of breadth and depth the distributional requirements system offers. Because I see in Yale a globalized environment whose diversity I can yet foster. Because I enjoy exploring and discovering through the limitless opportunities of independent study. Because I want excellence. Because I am not afraid to fly higher.

I feel the 1st is more apt, any suggestions to make it better?

Thank you a lot guys! I'll return the favor! :)
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / How to approach Amherst Supplement on Science [19]

Thank you for helping me!
To say the truth, the topic about medicine is not very special, even though the essay is personal and original. Elaborate more on why you like medicine. What feelings do you get in the prospect of working so closely with people, how do you imagine yourself in that profession.

Moreover , my passion is all the more strengthened by the beauty I see - a bit vague; which beauty are you talking about?
the disease was virtually irrelevant to my life. - virtually? why so? i think you could use "practically" instead
Also, you have used "beautiful" and "beauty" twice. try some rewording.
I hope I helped a bit.
I also have a new version of the essay you corrected for me, could you please have a look? Thanks :)
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Exploring writers' - Stanford-A Good place-Why? [7]

Typical adjectives people find in me as well. - adjectives? i think people find in you qualities
I will excel in this majestic school directly to Law School. - this sounds a little bit pretentious, you could add sth like "I believe i will excel "

I have been always motivated by our society and its rules. - this sentence sounds off
I have been willing to know more about it.
These writers mean to me the Spanish language itself .
I hope I helped, please help me too, my deadline is in few hours!
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Back to Adam' - Vassar Supplement: Walking Backwards [12]

oh my... I really love this.
This is very original, fun, passionate. The only flaw is that it is a bit long, maybe you could cut some sentences?
Many congrats, I hope to meet you at Vassar this fall :)

Could you please help me with my essay?
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "A shepherd's dream" The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. [6]

Please read it and advice me. Also, suggest me a good title. I'll be happy to help you with yours as well. :)

A shepherd's dream

My fingertip slips slowly, lovingly on their backs. My eyes run passionately over them - how beautiful they are! How many times have I touched them, held them in my hands and in my heart? Countless. Yet, I hesitate. I have to choose one, one only. My hand lingers on them for a tiny last moment, and then finally reaches to embrace my soul mate.

When I run through the pages of "The alchemist", I do not simply wander my eyes along the lines. I live. My soul mate is a shepherd. We have the same ingredients and share the same, simple recipe: mix passion, dreams, and guts, and cook in slow flame for seventeen years. Santiago taught me how arduous and challenging following one's path can be - and how beautifully rewarding nonetheless.

I have a passion and I have a dream. Enchanted by the perfection of life, my mind has always lingered upon question marks that I craved to dissolve. "How do I dream, how am I able to remember?" Infinite obstacles and dilemmas challenge my hunger for answers. Biology and Psychology have not reached this depth of understanding yet, so how will I, a single individual, compose the revolutionizing turn? Besides, my country doesn't offer me the chance to deepen my knowledge in the field I am most passionate about. A Neuroscience major, which I am likely to pursue, is still unfortunately a missing concept in the (name of country) Universities' curriculum. Will I leave everything to follow my dream?

Santiago's path answered my dilemmas. He chose to follow his vision and start his journey. Nothing was easy, on the contrary: he faced thieves, he faced disappointment, he faced the temptation of a comfortable, common life. It is not difficult to fall into these temptations, as he did, but he also found the strength to continue his journey despite the difficulties and the vicissitude he faced in his way. Santiago's journey is, in my eyes, the journey of the soul towards happiness.

I have loved to see that part of Santiago that lies within me and within every other human that has dreams, and wishes for a voice to shout at him/her: "You can make it!". As Coelho says "There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure." This book fills me with power, optimism and confidence in taking steps towards my dream. And the amazing thing is that it does this, not by telling me that life and dream fulfillment is easy (Santiago passed through so many difficulties and barriers to achieve happiness), but it makes me strong enough to believe that if I really want, I can. I can win them - the difficulties, the defeats, the temptations, the fear of failure. I can cross the boundaries and find the answers to my questions.

All the raw material to achieve my dream is inside me. Now I need an architect to help me make a masterpiece out of it. I am not afraid to start my journey; I am excited. Because now I understand what William James once said:

"The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it."
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay : embarrasing time (Do I answer the prompt? feedback) crit back [15]

Nice essay, but too long... I mean, it was fortunately interesting enough to keep me reading til the last line, though I'd have preferred it to be more concise...you should cut and cut at least 200 words before you submit it.

I liked that it was funny and it showed a lot of personality. As many have said, the ending could be much stronger. End it with a funny phrase, probably if you can find one by Mark Twain, so you can leave the adcoms with a nice taste till the end.

Overall great work!
Could you please help me in my essay? :)