Writing Feedback / Building a large shopping center in your neighborhood - 'hanging out place' [4]

You need to use some articles in your essay, such as the word, "an," or "a." The term, "convenient" should be "convenience" as it applies to the stores. In the first sentence, "In the developing world, the most important hanging out place is the shopping center...should read the following: In the developing world, the most popular place to hang out seems to be the shopping center, and it seems to be more prevalent in today's society.

Go through your essay and use the "article" more often. Also, change the term "convenient." If you post this same essay again, I might be able to help you some more.

Thanks,

Mark

Writing Feedback / Why do we need music? The traditinal music of a country is more important than other? [3]

Today, more than any other time, perhaps, the world is influenced by many different types of music. Although some people claim that there own country's music is more important than other kinds of music, we all need to listen to various kinds of music to appreciate the world's influence over music. According to some leading researchers, listening to music has become a vital part of today's life.

Try that for a start...then use the above as a template for completing the rest of your essay.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / Good grades on every subject - Statement of Purpose transfer A&M biology major [8]

Jonathan,

I feel as though you are using too many words in your sentences. Try this instead:

After graduating high school, I decided to attend a community college as opposed to attending a major university with an undeclared major, as a lot of my friends chose to do. Although there was a great deal of peer pressure, I decided to focus on my core classes and spend some time exploring all of my possible majors before choosing one that would determine what I will be doing for a good deal of my lifetime.

Do you get the idea? Try using smaller words, or less words in your sentences. Write to "express," rather than to "impress," and I think that you will go a lot further.

Thanks,

Mark

Graduate / "to give patients the utmost compassion and care" Physician Assistant Statement [9]

This was a well-written essay. I dare not change it. It is full of compassion and it is obvious that the writer is well aware of the needs of the PA in our society. Being a PA myself, I can certainly relate to his call to duty! I wish him well in his endeavors!

Thanks,

Mark

Graduate / Describe your motivations in becoming a Physician Assistan - Graduate School [6]

Hi Kelley,

I wanted to go back and get to your essay, because I noticed that you have questioned whether the essay was actually reviewed. Please bare in mind that we receive upwards of 100+ essays a day and it's often difficult to hit each one with any sort of justice. However, I am going to give your essay a try here.

First, while you have mentioned in your first paragraph some of the things that motivated you to become a PA, you do not mention that you are leaning towards becoming one until one reaches the 4th paragraph of the essay. I would certainly try to mention the reason for the essay in the first paragraph. Give the essay some meaning. Try to tell your audience, right off the bat, so to speak, why you are writing the essay.

Being a physician assistant myself (I have practiced medicine for a little more than 16 years before retiring a few years ago), I know what these colleges and universities want in terms of the essays. It is good that you mention how your mother and your father have inspired you to study hard, but these sort of ideas are often used to strengthen your argument, not begin it. Do you understand?

Begin your essay by telling your audience that you want to become a physician assistant; make that your topic sentence for your first paragraph. Then, use the following paragraphs to strengthen that idea, tell your readers why you want to become a PA. Re-write your essay and then re-submit it to the forum. I will read it again. I wish you the best!

Thanks,

Mark

Writing Feedback / The Time Machine - if i had the opportunity to do something again, what would it be. [3]

If I could go back in time, I would work harder with my studies in order to achieve more awards. I am sure that everyone wishes they can travel in time and re-work a past time, in which he or she did not work as hard as possible. To relive those times is like having a second chance at receiving the awards.

I would definitely use something like (above) this to begin my essay, as it brings forth a topic sentence upon which you can build the rest of your essay. You have some conflicts in your essay with respect to time and non/verb agreement. Otherwise, if you re-work essay using the above as a topic sentence, I think you might feel a little better about it.

Thanks,

Mark

Writing Feedback / What are some important characteristics of a co-worker?-Toefl [5]

Your essay stated the following:
When asked what the important qualities of a supervisor are, different people hold different perspectives, due to their different experiences. After pondering this question on many occasions, I think there are several qualities that all co-workers have in common. They are responsible and cooperative people and they never give up.

Try this instead: Because of a difference in experiences, many people have different ideas about some of the important characteristics of a supervisor. After thinking about this for some time, I feel as though there are several qualities that all co-workers have in common. Co-workers, by and large, should be responsible to others and cooperate as much as possible towards a common goal.

Then, you can build upon these statements in your essay.

Thanks,

Mark

Writing Feedback / 'destroyed pleasures'; Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life [8]

You stated: Though many are of the view that childhood is the happiest time of a person's life I do not think we can generalize it is so. Of cause childhood is a very enjoyable phase in a man's life which is free from many responsibilities and challenges of the adulthood. However I believe there are several conditions that need to be satisfied for a happy childhood.

Although many people believe that one's childhood is the most happiest time in a person's life, it is often difficult to make such a generalization. Of course, one's childhood is often free from many of the responsibilities and challenges presented in adulthood; but I believe that specific conditions ought to be met in order to claim that someone has had a happy childhood.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / "My parents" - my academic background [6]

You are quite right. Just change the "were" to "where."

Mark

Scholarship / How to write Internship application essay- on Human rights [4]

Hi.

It would appear to me that you ought to write about one of the following:

* Legal research on international and comparative human rights law and practice to support the preparation of briefs before domestic courts and the European Court of Human Rights;

* Preparation of materials for the training workshops on the European Convention on Human Rights;
*attendance at meetings with human rights practitioners, , or visits to other international / national human rights organizations;

Mark

Speeches / Speech about my self (and dream to be a soccer player) [5]

It's an excellent speech.
both are older than me ==> watch this statement: "both are older than I." (the "am" is understood).

I also agree with Kevin. You need to separate your speech into paragraphs, each with it's own identifiable topic.

Mark

Undergraduate / "cultural diversity" - What you find most appealing about columbia and why? [4]

Hi Yotam,

I think that you need to build upon your essay some more.
The first sentence, "Despite having lived in New York for the majority of my life, the sheer volume of cultural diversity at Columbia University continues to astonish me. (try that one). Then, build upon that statement some. Tell your readers why you feel that the university astonishes you. There must be more than just the one reason. Explain yourself in more detail.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / What does global university mean to you? (NYU Essay) [6]

A wonderfully written essay, indeed.

However, I totally disagree with your own assessment of your country. South Korea, while it is small compared to some other nations, has made its own impact on the world stage.

Rather than stating that a strong desire was "birthed" in me, try the following:
A strong desire was born within me...

Overall, it is an excellent essay. I cannot find a lot to improve. You might consider, however, re-writing it one more time, as I have always found that re-writing something, no matter how good, contributes to the overall essay.

Thanks,

Mark

Dissertations / Management / HR - Research topic suggestion - Journals, books, and other materials for PhD [7]

I am not in management, but I do know a little bit about Human Resources. Having that said, I think that if you do (along with what Kevin has suggested) a Google Search on HR/Management, you might very well find some articles there as well. Kevin mentioned Questia, and that's an excellent database -- although it will cost you a little each month. Going to the library and looking for the journals or magazines is also good, as he also suggested. Try the Google first, however, and see where you land. When you are ready to submit your paper to the forum, let us know!

Mark

Undergraduate / UF Essay- My Experience With an Author. [8]

You are truly a gifted writer! I'd like to see the re-write, after you do your "homework."

By the way, you will be coming down to Florida, no? I live not more than 10 minutes from the U of F!

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / A New Sense of Responsibilty - UF admissions essay [8]

That was an interesting, thought-provoking essay. I enjoyed reading it in its entirety. One comment, however -- beyond what was already said. The last paragraph, 3rd sentence. I would change the word, "upmost," to "utmost."

Other than that, as well as what the others have already said, this was an excellent essay, indeed! I wish you well in your endeavors with respect to the University of Florida.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / Phy & MechE-----which department or program at MIT appeals to you [5]

I have been enthused with both physics and mechanical engineering since I was in primary school. I have always liked to read books about physics and re-assembling old machines. Always dreaming about becoming a scientist and making innovative aircraft and spacecraft, I am eager to design innovative machines as well as unmask the secrets of the universe.

I am quite sure that MIT is the right place for me. There are advanced laboratories where students can breathe life into new machines and apply their skills of mechanical engineering. Also, the world's leading professors and researchers can give me an opportunity to match my eagerness and help me contribute to this world.

You also might want to limit your discussion to only one discipline.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / "The Dive" - Common Application Swimming Essay [9]

Aside from the suggestions already made, I might add the following:

For emphasis, maybe you might consider using the following sentence: I'm happy to say that I didn't get sacked, my throw was a decent spiral, and it was caught -- by a guy on the other team. (using the "--" adds emphasis to the sentence. The ball was caught, but by a player on the opposite team).

Mark

Writing Feedback / It is better to take a job with a low pay but safe than to take a job with a high pay [5]

Hi Quanxing,

That's just it, I don't think that you have one. However, it should be in the first paragraph of the essay, and it should represent your own views with respect to the question being presented to you. I think that if you look at the second and third sentences, you might be able to develop a good thesis statement.

Mark

Writing Feedback / sense of humor, honesty, willingness - QUALITIES OF A GOOD NEIGHBOR - TOEFL [7]

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, some people consider that wealth and intelligence are qualities a good neighbor should have. In my point of view, a sense of humor, honesty and willingness are more important than other characteristics. These I support with the following reasons.

______________________________________________________________________ ____________

Some people consider wealth and intelligence as qualities a good neighbor should have. From my own perspective, honesty and willingness are more important than some of the other characteristics.

==> Leave out the first part of the first sentence. And leave out the last sentence. It is already understood that you will present your argument.

Mark

Graduate / Statement Of Purpose for Admission in Masters by reaserch (Telecommunication) [3]

Ishita,

I am glad to see that you made some of the corrections. Perhaps you might want to consider indenting with your paragraphs, or skip a line between them, as it will look cleaner. I, too, will look forward to seeing your re-write!

Mark

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores: "Despite the difficulties I endured" [8]

Beyond what was already said -- that you ought not use the contraction when writing a formal essay and not to use cliches -- the essay is very good and very powerful! The only comment I would like to make is to use a comma after "a nervous system attacking disease, Multiple Sclerosis." Also, you might want to consider using different terminology when describing the disease. I believe it is an "auto-immune" disease. That sounds better, I think.

Good luck. The University of Florida is a great school!

Mark

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores: "Despite the difficulties I endured" [8]

right, and that's why it is called an "auto-immune" disease. Again, good luck!

Mark

Graduate / My interest in the retail business [3]

I'm sure that you witnessed your father do other things with the business that encouraged you to enter into business yourself. What were these things that you witnessed? In these, you will find the strength for your introduction.

Essays / Essay on 'Difference between civil life and rural life' [3]

Hi.

This is a forum that allows one to present their essays and we, collectively, look at it and provide you with some points on how you can improve it. Having said that, why don't you write some of the essay and present it to the group?

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / 'reevaluation of my life' - Vires, Artes, Mores : Strength, Skill, Character [7]

Not sure if the following sentence makes sense: I seek to find long term happiness rather than instant gratification then later on regretting about my decision, based on mistakes I have seen others make.

Why don't you try this: I seek to find long term happiness rather than instant gratification, only to later regret my decisions that were based on some of the mistakes that others have made.

You might benefit with more paragraphs as well. "in the value of Mores..." you might want to start a new paragraph there.

"My family values mirror," not mirrors...

Thanks,

Mark

Graduate / "the profession of physical therapy" - PTCAS Graduate Application Essay [4]

Rather than capitalize on some of the words for emphasis, use the italics instead, as in the first paragraph, 3rd sentence.
I would probably start a new paragraph with the following sentence: Home no longer looked what it used to a couple of months before. It presents a new idea.

I am very impressed with your essay. You might want to tighten it up a little by using a few more paragraphs. Other than that, I cannot contribute much. It is very well written.

Mark

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - 'Meng Zi Story'; Classmates are a more important influence [4]

First, Small children can be seems as blank paper, the environment created by parent would have implicit but significant influence on children before his school age.

==> don't capitalize on the word "small." But, try this instead:

First, small children can often be seen as blank paper; the environment created by a parent would have implicit, but significant influences on children before the school ages.

Third paragraph: "In addition "to" that...." not "of that."

Use the suggestions that the others have provided to you as well, and I think that you will have a fine essay.

Mark

Essays / Genres and Discourse Communities [8]

I need to write an essay about how a genre helped me in my discourse community to become a better reader & writer. Please help! :)

Well, what specific genre do you like to read? And, how does or did this genre help you to become a better writer? Have you one specific genre that you like over others? Have you read a lot of one kind of book? Do you like to read a specific type of book? After you read a book, don't you get the feeling that you can (or might be able to) write better? Don't you see different uses of words or sentences that you have not seen before?

Try to answer these questions, then try to write something along those lines and present it to the group/forum. I think that you will get a better response.

Mark

Undergraduate / 'reevaluation of my life' - Vires, Artes, Mores : Strength, Skill, Character [7]

Yes, I think that you captured the essence of the prompt, but you can improve upon the introduction by separating the intro into a number of paragraphs, preferably one para for each of the words that you are describing and defining: "Vires, Artes, Mores"

I would use one para for each of the words and then another para for a summation. Make those changes and then present it to the group again. Perhaps someone else might have some inputs.

Mark

Essays / Ideas for personal statement for MSC in sustainable energy technology [5]

Sometimes, it is beneficial to just sit down and write anything about the topic, not paying particular attention to your grammar, syntax, etc., and then after you have written all of the words you want, re-write the essay -- then present it to us as a group. Someone will critique it for you. Give it a try. Don't try at first to write perfectly, just get your thoughts on paper.

Mark

Undergraduate / "The Dive" - Common Application Swimming Essay [9]

In the following sentence, I felt the wall and popped my head out of the water to witness Mike coming in, change the preposition so that it does not appear at the end of the sentence.

I looked over the essay again...and again. You made the corrections that others have suggested as well. It looks good. As Kevin said, I also like the theme. The separate paragraphs adds to the substance of the essay.

Good luck with your endeavors. University of Chicago is an excellent school!

Mark

Undergraduate / Football team, people, tradition, excellence: "Why The Ohio State University?" [4]

Last para:

From what I have heard, the excellent programs at OSU are exactly the type I would like to be involved in

From what I have heard, the excellent programs at Ohio State University are exactly the type in which I would like to be involved.

Good essay,

Mark

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores: "an unprecedented number of barriers" [4]

After every challenge I have met and overcome there is no force in the world that could stop me now.

After every challenge I have met and overcome, there is no force in the world that can stop me.

My junior year, to my satisfaction, the school hired a new acting teacher.

During my junior year, to my satisfaction, the school hired a new acting teacher. (what is an acting teacher?)

You ought to include the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" in your essay, even though you might think that you have already described them.

Mark

Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]

At the time I started the Embrel treatment, I had completed all course work through midterm and had then; three A's and one B. My final semester grades were two D's, a C, and a B. My cumulative GPA dropped from 3.79 to 3.42, while my science GPA moved from 3.76 to 3.29.

Change it to: and by then I had three As and one B. There is no "'" after the letter A, by the way. As in the first part of the sentence: My final semester grades were two Ds, a C, and a B.

I am sorry to hear about your skin disease. Hope that someday they can come up with something better for you. Good luck!

Mark

Undergraduate / The name recognition, the diversity, the location, or the weather - Why Stanford [6]

Stanford is the school I want to go to Stanford is the school to which I would like to attend, . i It's the only one that makes me feel as if I could should belong, which really matters to me as I haven't felt like I belong for so long, . it It is where I see myself in one year, . when I close my eyes and imagine myself in other schools it just doesn't fit.

There is a run-on sentence. I had to break it down. Also, the first sentence, now sounds a little better. You can do better -- brush it up a little.

Mark

Undergraduate / The name recognition, the diversity, the location, or the weather - Why Stanford [6]

Try this instead:

Stanford is the school to which I would like to attend. It's the only one that makes me feel as if I should belong; that really matters to me as I haven't felt as if I should belong for some time. Stanford is where I see myself in one year from now. When I close my eyes and imagine myself in other schools, they just don't fit me.

Your entire two paragraphs contain "run-on sentences." You need to create or develop shorter sentences by using periods or semi-colons.

Mark

Writing Feedback / 'destroyed pleasures'; Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life [8]

Therefore my conclusion is childhood is not the happiest time for every person's life though it may be the happiest for many who are lucky enough.

Therefore, my conclusion is that childhood is not always the happiest time in everyone's life, although, for those who are lucky, this period of time can be a happy and memorable time in their lives.

Mark

Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]

S Frick,

That depends on when it started. If the problems started before, then write before, otherwise stick with at the time.

Yes, I think that your statement conveys a positive message -- it's also a powerful one.

As far as Embrel goes, what happened to the other, topical treatments, don't they work?

Mark

Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

My heart pulsates with the rhythm, my mind is immersed in notes and my arm is covered with goose bumps. Only music can hold such power. For me, it is a transformation from a world of teenage stress to a world of serenity and from an academically overachieving Indian kid to an unidentified Carnatic music vocalist. My identity in music is insignificant; it is masked by my interpretation of melodious scales, my varying skill in different rhythms, and my willingness to learn. I cherish that I am a part of something eternal; although there is an end to every life, there is never an end to music.

Can you answer one question for me? What is the topic of your essay? Where is your topic sentence for this para? You will need to re-work the essay so that it reflects what your personal experiences.

Mark