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Posts by shofa_nefertete
Joined: Sep 21, 2010
Last Post: Oct 6, 2010
Threads: 12
Posts: 35  

From: Philippines

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shofa_nefertete   
Sep 21, 2010
Writing Feedback / EFFECTS OF INDUSTRIALIZATION TO ENVIRONMENT AND ECONOMY [7]

QUESTION: Industrialization is felt even in developing countries. What are the effects to economy and environment?

We cannot build a dam around the rivers of industrial progress in this day and age, but human as we are, we also are unable to close your eyes to the effects of this raging river.

Many people say that the improvement of major industries all over the world has significantly boost economic performance. The impact of this growth spurt can even be felt in less developed countries like ours; however, while our economy grows stronger our environment becomes weaker as a result. Undeniably, the effects of improved industries are not all good as Mother Earth suffers its consequences.

I am a witness to the damaging effects. In my own hometown, there used to be a river flowing from the hills of Busay. As time went by malls were built along its side. People started to migrate on its riverbanks. A school popped out on its eastern section and dormitories sprang on river bed. As a result, the river disappeared among the canals of poor sewage management. Until one stormy day, it just came to life from hills attacking the roads, since its flowing waters cannot be stopped, people suffered although no one was hurt. This is just one of the clear examples of how industrial growth, good as it may be, can also harm the world we are living in.

I am not saying that economic growth is negatively affecting the world we live in as there is always a flipside to a coin. What I am trying to imply is that we should find ways on how to balance both.

Therefore, even though industrial boom is a good thing, we should always be mindful of its effects so as not to be sorry in the end.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 21, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT TO CONTROL VIOLENCE AND CRIMES? Yes, it is important [4]

QUESTION: In some society, capital punishment is legal to control violence and crimes. Do you agree or disagree?

In this world of evil and cynical distrust, violence and crimes are lurking in people's ugly heads again. The vicious cycle of crime and punishment retaliates an alarming effect to society's safety. I strongly affirm with my resounding agreement to the establishment of capital punishment to eradicate the increasing occurrences of such heinous crimes.

Primarily speaking, the necessity of death penalty has been the prolonged clamor of victims' immediate family and relatives of these predators who demoralize and disrespect the life of their preys. A plea for justice has always been the battle cry of these innocent victims who impatiently wait the verdict of this bureaucratic delayed justice system. Moreover, some of these convicts are generally given life imprisonment which in the long run can be granted with parole; years after repayment, vengeance is once sought after by these criminals. Though this humane world has been able to give a glimmer of hope for these prodigal sons to repent for the acts committed, the financial backwash should also be taken into consideration. The need to construct more prisons and jails is growing in leaps and bounds and the hungry stomachs of these people have long been siphoning our economic budget. On the long run, the taxes we pay are feeding these lackadaisical convicts more than the benefits we accumulate for what we pay.

In the Philippines for example, crimes on what every degree either murdering a crowd or raping a minor have equivalent justice repay of life imprisonment. Some of them are sons of business tycoons and political figures who can pay their way out. More often than not, others return to their habit of gore and hatred. In addition, rehabilitation centers are even more crowded which can be detrimental to the health of other prisoners. Aside from that, we are serving meals and comfort all throughout their years of repentance.

In as much as we maintain the authentic Christian and active non-violence advocacy to these people, but they have become more of a liability than an asset to the country.

After all, this world is turning fast and there are lots of problems to attend to and we cannot wait any longer for such metanoia to happen producing conscientious fellowman out of an ill-bred sociopath. (373 WORDS)
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOEFL;close friends vs casual friends [4]

Establish first the scenario before giving your side to give the readers a chance to ponder on the issue.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / FAILED MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE; What are the causes of such separation? [5]

QUESTION: More families are separated due to divorce and failed marriages. What are the causes of such separation? How does it affect the family and the society?

Countless homes are broken and more marital knots are loosened and untied as divorce is deemed legal and problematic marriage is seemingly becoming an accepted culture. Lesser family time and infidelity have been the screeching pandemonium reverberating to the immediate family and society as a whole.

Primarily, couples have been bombarded with hectic and scurrying schedules minimizing the time allotted for family. More often than not, parents become breadwinners to unstoppable demands for family's commodities and satisfaction even to the point of liquidating the equality of expenditures shouldered for the family. Conflicts and misunderstanding breed instantly thus creating shaky relationships or worst it will result to divorce. Aside from that, lust and infidelity bloom on both partner since one cannot or might not fully suffice the carnal pleasure of the other half which leads to further demise and betrayal to the once blessed matrimony. As fiery words are exchanged, physical and verbal abuses would like to occur while children are listening to the deafening sounds of profanity, cursing, and hatred on both sides of the fence. More and more children become psychologically disturbed and emotionally hungry for parental love. Thus, in effect these children are mutating into vicious replica of their cynical guardian creating more broken homes and more criminals with anti-social behavior on streets. We have turned the bright future of an innocent child into a wasted human potential for such selfishness and violence.

A brilliant case in good point would be the fate of my Uncle and Aunt who is now living in the borders of United States. They have been busy mowing the greener pastures and work harder until the wee hours of the morning. At first they are like romantic lovebirds caressing each other's need, however everything changed when my uncle had another woman as jealousy and betrayal morphed these lovebirds into hideous vultures gnawing each other. Their only daughter who was born normal become an Attention Hyperactivity Disorder candidate and his son who is once an honor student flunk his grades in high school because of familial negligence and divorce. This has been a common plot among American stories and even sorry tales across the globe that turns a modest family into a despicable society. This clearly indicates that failed marriage and divorce has been building negative ripples to both family and society.

Some people might view divorce as an instant panacea to all the emotional distress, but such legitimate act cannot break the promise made by both couples in front of God and no other break-up words can separate the two hearts that ultimately become one until death as they exchanged vows.

In culmination, if people continue to let their egos bloat and infidelity reign among couples and families, then we have just created more families of disgust in a society full of vulnerability and violence. For once, we must learn to listen to the voices of innocence echoed in every child's heart. (490 words)
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / COMMUNICATION TECHNOLOGY AND TRANSPORTATION; sensationalize the gnawing anxiety [2]

QUESTION: Recently the freedom to work and live anywhere has become the main trend due to the development of communication technology and transportation. Do the advantages of these developments outweigh the disadvantages?

The irreversible proliferation of technological advancement in field of telecommunication and travel paves the way for a modern man to enjoy the luxury of working and living in any parts of the globe. Though some people rant and despise the existence of such development, I still personally affirm that the advantages still hold the upper hand.

Truly, the ill effects of advancement in communication created more laid back individuals enjoying the comforts of their sedentary lifestyle since working can be easily done in the confines of their homes without the hassles of traffic jams and hectic workloads. Aside from that, this has led as well to a major exodus of people from rural places migrating to urban areas since development lead to some higher level of flight and speed which made cities crowded and towns uninviting. Despite the fact that it creates a bane to the lifestyle of a handful of individuals, but we cannot also take for granted the bliss of convenience and innovation that it brings to the society as a whole. Positively, communication in any areas is made possible with the aid of modern wireless technology making work easier and creating more time for self and family. With sufficient supports in communication and machines, people can lessen their work hours at the same time optimize their work efficiency and effectiveness. In travelling, citizens can enjoy a lesser travel time since other modes of transportation is utilized for convenience. In effect, more and more individuals enjoy the luxury of travel from home and work without the hustle and bustle of crowded streets, travelling accidents, and unending traffic jams.

A good example would be the Phillipines, which is considered as one of the major propellers of the insurmountable advancement in technology. Back then, employees are always beating the deadline since communication has been a major bulwark that impedes easier transaction. With the inauguration of telephone and internet, accomplishment of task is faster since better networking is made possible through the wires. Though some may contend that workers are too dependent with technology to the expense of unhealthy lifestyle, but such myopic contention cannot also undermine the numerous advantages perceived. Likewise, other modes of transportation like trains and high-ends cars making streets less polluted, jam-packed and congested. This cannot in any way mean negatively in a country like ours. It is entirely hilarious when we over sensationalize the gnawing anxiety that the negative sides of technology brings us without crediting the benefits that are offered to man.

The general public should be open first to the optimistic perspective that technological development aids our lives for both living and working rather considering petty problems that might arise in the way an arduous ordeal.

Thus, this truly marks that in spite of the fact that the population may be susceptible for sloth and dependence with the influx of technology in communication and transportation, it would be impractical to hinder ourselves to imbibe the newest trend and innovation which made me realize that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks in this scenario.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "open environment" - Why i choose to apply to UCF? [3]

There is no clear paragraphing done here. The thought jumps from one idea to another.

Lacks very relevant specific examples to give a concrete proof of reasons.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / People are materialistic and work-oriented: PERCEIVED HARDSHIPS [3]

QUESTION: People nowadays are becoming materialistic and work-oriented. There are more perceived hardships than there truly is. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The love for temporary things together with the motivation to earn more money is the life force that has drained the core of an everlasting treasury which is our families. Life is more challenging than it has ever been is a belief where complete disagreement to the pressing issue cannot be denied.

In a stage where the universe now revolves around the sun of materialism coupled with the battlefield of career enhancement, most of us wake up each day plotting ways on how to alleviate our economic status. At the same time losing track on the lives of the very people who will be there for us in the event of failed opportunities. It is common to see families meeting only once a day or week to come together and bond. Time supposedly spent on bonding is currently allotted to work for most parents, as they keep with their children and their own lust for things of the world.

The current trend is a difficult one to deal with as we have succumbed to be blond of what is real and things that matter like family and love. In most households I visit, family members feel the weight of the world on their shoulders when they are unable to satisfy their need to buy new things. Scales cover their eyes when what is only there to see is the gift of health and the capacity to breathe without assistance from a machine. These lies get in the way of experiencing life in simple things. Living is easy if only we see it through heaven's eyes, what makes it hard is only our growing need to acquire material things and recognition at work.

In contrasting side, being materialistic and work-oriented cannot be all bad as most of us strive only a negative matter when it is the only driving power that controls our very lives, neglecting family and what is stands for.

To conclude, the challenges living that we perceive today are all man-made untruths, when we start to look at the bigger picture where only the people that care about us really matter.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of the Internet for an average person? [5]

QUESTION: More and more people are relying on the Internet as their major source of news and information. What advantages does the Internet have for the average person? What disadvantages could it have now or in the future?

With the world's fascination on virtual reality such as the internet, people are becoming solely dependent for information dissemination and expansion in these wireless networking and search engines. Such habit becomes a culture to most people that signals both boon and bane effects to a typical individual. In the long run, such advantages disillusion us this present and future in general.

On the optimistic view of the internet, people are developed with manual works with the aid of technology in doing their jobs. Lesser time is spent in accomplishing tasks like research and work since information is accessible in just a snap of a finger. Efficiency of such job accomplishment is escalated into a higher pedestal since people are not pressed with time despite hectic schedule. A good example to this scenario is a regular student who is busy juggling both academic and extra-curricular endeavors. Back then, researching assignments and doing projects take the bulk of their time since library work is time consuming. With internet, as the comfort of students' rant, serves necessary information in a silver platter. Such development leads to some higher level of excellence and efficiency for students' performance.

Despite the pleasure that internet has offered, the backwash effects of such advancement should not be taken for granted. Presently, more people become so dependent with the information superhighway which cripple their research skills and critical thinking skills. A gory future scenario of people losing their employment since computers can do better and has outsmarted humans is not too long to come to a fiery reality. Indeed, students now never frequent the library and everybody is opting for a plagiaristic "copy-paste" technology which hampers them to ignite the brilliance of their minds. Machines and technologically-based apparatus are starting to dominate to work and employees are terminated in their jobs. Everyday more people are enslaved by such gadgets which in return command dominion over them.

Internet should only be taken as a vehicle to support us in accomplishing a more effective and efficient job, but this should not take the course of our lives.

If people continue to tolerate such dependency and leniency to these artificial intelligences, then slavery to such robotic entities that only happen in science fiction movies can become a crude reality.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]

The suggested revision is really giving the essay a better presentation
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / TRANSITIONS IN LIFE - taking them with optimism or hatred [5]

Everyone has undergone metamorphosis in their lives similar to the phase where a caterpillar sprang out from it cocoon of immaturity after a long wait to spread its wings as a butterfly. In the same way, humans are bound to undergo the excruciating sting of sacrifice and letting go on some aspects in their lives that could hamper them in the roles they portray.

Some take this transition with great optimism while others painstakingly embrace the fierce reality with gore and hatred. More often than not, our personal life transcends into a stage of shaping just like that of a raw diamond newly excavated in the mine. Such unpolished gem needs to experience the heat of spontaneous combustion, pressure, and polishing before it can exude its natural luster and brilliance. Such incandescence of a polished shimmering diamond teaches us that it is a necessity to put ourselves in fire of bittersweet challenges to show our more ardent persona. Changes in life are inevitable, though at times, it urges us to linger the pain no matter what it takes.

As man courses towards the self-actualization stage of his life, he become so eager and determined to reach that state of euphoria that he has been fantasizing for. The journey to such nirvana is but easy. A bumpy, rocky, and challenging destination is about to befall. The terrain to take is not always made of cobblestones or even red carpets, at times we can get even get stuck in the quick sands of nothingness. We find ourselves struggling for survival back to climb the ladder of our goals. In time, we begin to see the light at the end of the dark and hollow tunnel as we grope out from the maelstrom of broken dreams and empty promises.

When we are about to put another feather in our caps, we begin to realize that life is not really a piece of cake or even a complete breath of fresh air; we have to carry our own yokes of priorities, responsibilities, and sacrifices before we can be able to reap a bountiful harvest of our own labors. Then, we begin to thank our Creator for helping us hurdle the storms of sadness, despair, and conflict at the same time make through the desert of barrenness and aridity. Indeed, this only proves that our life here on earth is just a bivouac on what is eternal. Our ephemeral existence prepares us for a greater battle as we cascade towards another stream of life.

The cliché "carpe diem" which means seize the day has been through to its wisdom. As we turn another chapter of our own plot and as we flip another blank page waiting for another history to be written, we have always come to an epiphany that we should embrace everyday with new hopes and aspirations as we traverse towards the horizon that is full of surprises and mystery waiting to be unraveled.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / TRANSITIONS IN LIFE - taking them with optimism or hatred [5]

thank u so much. I have some problems during revision stage of my essays. I think I need your help to review my essay with "new eyes" reading it. I admit I am good with playing with words, but I am challenged with grammatical accuracy.

I appreciate much your effort.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Soccer is my teacher"-does my essay convey this for Common App Short [4]

"Play hard, play smart, have fun". -----> have fun."

At six foot, five inches and weighing two hundred and forty pounds (not parallel) most people ------> Standing six foot and five inches and weighing ....

have been perfected and long lasting friendships formed (be consistent with tense)
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / Essay about what is science 250-300 words [3]

Science to me is everything that surrounds us. (provide a better start)

It's to discover information. (avoid word contraction)

Establish better coherence in your output.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / Is studying HISTORY important in the modern world? [2]

Question: To some people studying the past has little value in the modern world. Why do you think it is important to do so? What will be the effect if children are not taught history?

Our modern world has placed lesser emphasis on learning the history of our existence which has been creating bigger impediments to children in this present time. Giving heed to our past enables us to develop our nationalism while negligence to it can lead to myriad of problems as well.

History has been the blood rushing within our veins that gives life support and reason for people to continue embarking a better chapter of their lives. It is revisiting our glorious past that we can better understand ourselves, developing a culture of patriotism to one's country and origin. It gives us light on why the present conditions happen and what will befall in the future generations. Apart from that, trailing back one's history helps us embrace our traditions and customs with open arms as our hearts are emblazoned with burning fire of passion, patriotism, and pride. One good example would be our Philippine democracy. If people were not aware of the sacrifices of our forefathers, then they will not give time to give heed to the call of freedom and democracy when it is threatened by tyranny and social injustices. This proves that traversing back in our memory lane leads our nation to unite for a common goal: to love one's own upbringing.

Forgetting one's history, one the other hand, is similar to a ship without a rudder, a journey without a destination, and a human being without a navel. Due to the negligence and ignorance of children and youth to the rich tapestry of event woven in our past, we are getting the first hand taste of cultural extinction and the values of nationalism will never be realized. We are bound to repeat the mistakes in the past and we will forever be stagnated from progressing. For example, history has been the least priority in school's curriculum right now with the Revised Basic Education Curriculum. In effect, we created students who cannot sing the Philippine national anthem wholehearted and even recite the names of our own national symbols and heroes. These are just some of the sorry tales common in any parts of the world which prove that once history is taken for granted, our culture founded by our ancestors will be totally lost in oblivion.

Though some students shun away from memorizing dates, details, and trivialities, but this is one of the best ways to transmit our culture to the next generation as well as giving due recognition to the people who made the culture we are enjoying now.

In the end, we should always bear in our minds that history teaches us to live better in the present by learning to build a better tomorrow.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / HUNGER AND INSURGENCE: IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Question: As the years have come, more and more technological and scientific improvement have surfaced. However, there is still an increasing trend of hunger and insurgence around the world. Why do you think this is still happening then? Give one relevant solution.

The influx of technology and proliferation of scientific advancement have been evidently booming in leaps and bound. Such development never guarantees the alleviation of hunger and global security. Financial incapacity and greed have been the main culprits of this unending story of turmoil.

The dispute of the reign of power and technology continues and no one knows when it will stop if ever it will. Though developed countries gear themselves to a futuristic and comfortable lifestyle, however Third World Countries cannot rival such success. Underdeveloped nations' incapacity to finance the use of technology to pacify hunger and rebellion should get the blaming fingers. For example, the invention of Robert Hooke on the microscope, the introduction of airplanes of the Wright Brothers, and the discovery of Thomas Edison's lightbulb lead the world to some higher pedestal of sight, light, and flight respectively. In spite of such discoveries, countries like ours, the Philippines, cannot fully realized such ingenuity and scientific movement since the economic stability and ongoing insurgencies in Mindanao are piling up to the country's headache. Genetically modified food alternatives and nuclear warfare can be good means to cease the dragging threats of hunger and security threats, but the government cannot suffice such lofty vision of comfort through technology.

One good solution to the pressing problem of economic impotency would be tying up financial help and technology aids among developed and progressive countries. This is where the true definition of globalization can truly be imbibed. To cite a scenario, Philippines can strengthen international relations with the first world countries like Japan, United States, Sweden, and Russia to borrow some funds for technological upliftment to the country. The nation could hire some experts on the field of science to find ways on how to use technology to eradicate perennial hunger concerns and peace issues. This is just one of the several solutions that can make our country great again.

Financial matters may get all the blame for such impossibility to happen, but we should not keep whining since they are other ways that nourishment and solidarity can be achieved even without advancement of technology at hand.

In the end, we should always come to a point of balancing both priorities on hunger and war since technology is just another wasteful investment if such vicious cycle of global problems never cease.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOURIST DESTINATION: Tourism has negative effect on certain destinations. [4]

Question: Tourism has negative effect on certain destinations and many people believe that particular tourists are to be blame for that. Discuss the specific negative effects that were identified as ones with impact on tourist places. What are the solutions to this situation?

As the world opens its door wide for the booming industry of tourism, more of these impeccable tourist destinations suffer the exploitation of globetrotters and tourists losing its natural magnificence and radiance. This leads to some detrimental effects like deterioration of tourist hubs which necessitates people to give urgent action.

Predominantly, the seemingly unstoppable popularity of tourism deteriorates the quality of these natural resources, historical sites, and tourist attractions due to the negligence and disrespect of visitors. More often than not, the once luscious green landscape has been transformed into an uninviting and filthy arena of garbage and waste. Aside from that, some of these artifacts and relics loss their quality or perhaps diminish their value since stubborn tourists can go way overboard for its curiosity and negligence. To counter these perceived problems, the government should devise laws and ordinances to maintain the cleanliness of the environment at the same time disseminate information for foreigners and locals to preserve and give utmost attention to these heritages. Furthermore, curators and tourist guides should strictly emphasize the standards in historical and tourist destinations to ensure its sustainable preservation.

A good case to exemplify would be the pristine white sand beach of Boracay. Due to its tropical appeal for relaxation, people be it foreign or local, travelers flock to the island leaving loads of rubbish making the once white sand into something murky and dirty. Aside from that, tourists steal the soft sands, shells, clams, and corals making the whole island scarce for natural resources and barren for marine life. With the conglomeration and joint effort of the natives and local government, they were able to implement ordinances such as restriction in stealing sands, proper sewage system, and waste management. The once lambasted natural resource recovers back to its natural abundance. This is clearly indicates that unity can spell a big difference in keeping our place free from exploitation.

I am not discrediting the fact that tourism paves the way to a major boost in our economy, but we should bear in our thinking caps that we have a responsibility to fulfill our roles as stewards to the natural resources bestowed upon us.

To sum it up, tourism brings both boon and bane repercussions to us. Being a responsible citizen, we are bound to preserve the natural bounty for the next generation to savor.
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / SPACE EXPLORATION IS A WASTEFUL ACTIVITY - AGREE? [5]

Moreover t here are ----> Moreover,

Avoid using canned connectives like first and foremost, secondly, thirdly. use better and high-end cohesive devices

Therefore I conclude (redundant) ----> Therefore, or I conclude
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 30, 2010
Essays / Global Undergraduate Exchange Program, how to start this essay? [12]

What are applying in the first place.

Academic objective may be perceived in different ways. It could be:
1. why you study this course?
2. what you intend to accomplish in the end?
3. what will you do in your course?

Program: what is your degree? Are you Bachelor in Arts? or Science?
shofa_nefertete   
Sep 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Gymnastics + a successful elementary teacher: statement of purpose paper. [3]

colorful, ro und carpet for "circle time". -----> colorful round carpet for "circle time."

students, at the ti me, felt the teacher was belittling, unclear on his teachings, and unhelpful.

r students, at that ti me, felt the teacher was belittling, unclear on his teachings, and unhelpful.

I am suppose to be.

I am supposed to be. I hav

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