Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "what you should believe finally is not others, not any book, but only you" knowledge gained [4]

Well, you are presenting your introduction in a more sporadic manner.... You have several sentences that do not come in one bunch to form a clear introduction. In this task, you better follow a specific format and an approach. First begin your intro with a good hook and then introduce the background of the issue. Finally state your opinion on the issue very clearly. In your body paras you should justify your opinion by giving reasons a supporting them with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / People care more about public recognition than about money [4]


first and foremost purpose for what? This sounds a bit vague :(


.... well, recognition is not really a spiritual motivation, but it deals more with one's emotions. This is my suggestion;
To begin with, though emotional incentives play an important role in motivating a person, money indeed matters more in that respect.

Graduate / 'I found my favorite area' - SoP- Phd in Antropology [4]

I made different contacts to develop my master's research, I asked for help tofrom a professor from theof Psychology Institute and to a PhD student fromwith major in Botany. I worked withMy research was based on the behavior of capuchinCapuchin monkeys withwho are under the human influence. (stop here) This is a current and important issue (no comma) since many primate species are in this situation.

Writing Feedback / Retail cashier job - my very first job experience [3]


Yes, this is a very important thing.... you should tell us why and for what purpose you wrote this for us to understand the background and give you some meaningful feedbacks.

Here is some advice on grammar;


I grabbed - past tense
I was grabbing - past continuous
I grab - present tense
I am grabbing - present continuous
I will grab - future
I will be grabbing - future continuous

Don't have the tenses mixed up in a sentence.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - Ticket buying Chart Comparison [4]


First, this task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills and therefore you should present details in a very concise and reporting manner. Do not unnecessarily lengthen your sentences and try to be more formal in your tone than being personal.

This is my suggestion for the intro;
The bar charts present details about online ticket purchasing for theater, concert and cinema . The first chart shows the popularity levels of online ticket purchases in Australia, UK and Malaysia for two different age categories. The the second chart shows the details of means of access such as desktops, laptops and mobile phones for online ticket purchasing in the three countries.

Writing Feedback / Ielts - Advertisements have become part of our life and it is impossible to ban them [2]


Advertising has become a huge business in the modern world.


Well, do not drag too much on this idea as you may run out of time. Start your essay with a hook and then quickly move into introducing the background of the topic.


Well, this sounds a bit vague. It is nicer to finish your introduction with a clear statement expressing your view on the issue. And then in the body paras, give reasons (one per body para) that you use to justify your view point and then support them with specific examples. The reader would find that approach more convincing.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Type of temper and advantages of individual work as best arguments in favor of studying alone [8]

My first impression on your essay is that it could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. Am I right? (I didn't check your word count, but it looks like too short )


Your introduction follows a good approach. You have a hook, background of the issue and your opinion stated there. However, your hook is not so interesting. Generally, it is nicer when you have a short and interesting idea for that. I like if you write something like;

The pattern of studying plays a major role in one's academic achievements.

Graduate / 'My interest in Energy' - statement of purpose; University of Texas, Austin [5]

In highchoolhigh school I was taught that energy is the ability to do work, and work- done equals the product of force applied to an object and the distance which it moves. Matter contains at least one form of energy, be it potential, sound, or kinetic energy. When work is done when energy is transformed from one form to another.

Well, this sounds like a lesson on physics. I think this not a good approach for your SOP. The admin guys are not really interested in knowing these subject matters. They are more interested in learning what sort of a personality you've got. :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. [9]


Ok, this is your opening sentence and therefore it should be strong enough to grab your reader's attention. So, don't write very long sentences. Write a short sentence that comes with an interesting idea and a good punch. Also try and avoid redundant words in your sentences that you use to lengthen the sentence.

People have varying views on how the media coverage on celebrities would affect the young children.
While some people still hold a conservativestereotype view that media coverage of celebritiesit can effect children's behaviors and development in a negative way,

Writing Feedback / In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money.. [3]


This sounds a bit stereotype beginning. You should make it more interesting for the reader :)
It is important that we should manage our money wisely in order to lead a good quality life. Some people believe it is better to train children to handle money from a young age. I too agree with this view.

Begin your intro with a hook, then tell the background of the issue and finally state your opinion. That's the approach I suggest.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children always follow their parents rules and techniques to save money for future planning [4]

Do not begin your essay with expressing your opinion assuming the reader has an adequate knowledge about the issue you are going to discuss. The introduction is for you to introduce your topic to the reader and therefore you should first introduce the background of the issue to him. Then express your view.... That's a better arrangement and the reader would be more convinced about your point when you present your intro that way :)

Writing Feedback / Internet is just a tool based on different inventions such as the computer, electricity and language [5]


You begin your essay with expressing your opinion on the issue. It is better if you first introduced your topic to the reader and then expressed your view - The main objective of the introduction is to introduce the topic to the reader.


First, the Internet has many issues with regard to its usage as it has been used to commit crimes such as robberies, murders and pornography in many instances throughout the globe.


Well your body paras need more flesh :D ... First tell the reason and then support it with an example.

Writing Feedback / Increasing Crime And Solutions For Governments - IELTS task 2 [3]

For one,First,unemployment is one of the reasons that can drive people to commit a range of both violent and non-violent offences . For instance, in poor countries, such as India, a great percentage of population does not have a stable, full-time job. Because the poorest members of population (do not repeat the same idea) Due to this reason, such people often are without reliable income, they have to turn to robberies or muggings to survive and feed their families. In response to this cause, governments could promote and subsidize businesses that create job more opportunities for the deprived. In this way, a lot of the populace can be pulled from the streets.

Undergraduate / My goal is having lots of money to help homeless as well as poor people - success definition [5]

Include your topic or the prompt in your post. It is easier for us to align our feedbacks more with your requirement when we know that :)

Success can be defined as many different meaningsways depending on each people'sindividual's perceptionviews such as making lots of money, having a stable job, or a happy family.


Again, what is this topic about? Is it about "success" or "your goal" ?????
Since I was young, I have been already aware that I am so much luckier than many other children at the sameof my age. I have myown family as a strong wall for me to count on. I have chance to go to school without worrying how to find a place to sleep tomorrow because I am raised and protected wonderfully by my parents. ... there's lots of redundancy in these latter sentences... You keep talking about the same thing and that may get the reader bored :(

Writing Feedback / GRE essay: Many important discoveries or creations are accidental [3]


This is not a strong hook as it does not contain much meaning :(
Some people would argue that most of thesemany important discoveries are accidental, such as dynamite, while some others would argue many important discoveries or creations are onthat had been discovered or created for serving specific purposes, such as iPhone and theory of relativity. I believe many important discoveries or creations are not by mere accidentsaccidental , because theyimportant discoveries and creations are intended to attacksolve one or few problems.


Yes, you repeatedly use "many important discoveries or creations"

Writing Feedback / Internet will help student only if he has a desire to study [6]


This is not a strong hook to open your essay. Your first sentence of the essay is a very important one as it is the one that makes the first impression about your writing. So, you should come up with a strong meaningful idea ;

The Internet is one of the most effective and popular inventions in the recent past.
Now tell your reader about the background of the issue - you can simply paraphrase the prompt;
Today, in many countries, it is being used in schools as an effective tool to deliver education to children. Some people believe this trend has negative effects on the education system.

Now state your own opinion clearly :)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Every experience always gives us something to learn and keep for life [2]

I think you need to fine tune your approach on the introduction. You should have introduced the issue to the reader first before expressing your view on that. The main objective of the intro is to tell the reader what you are going to write about. In this case, it is the issue and your view on that.

In the body paras, begin your body para with a reason you use to justify your opinion on the issue. Then support that reason with a specific example.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task1 - percentages of population and wealth in world [5]

Well, if this is for IELTS TASK1, you should have uploaded your graphs to enable us providing you with more meaningful feedbacks. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block to upload your image.

The bar graph illustrated provides information concerning several regions'about population in several regions as well as how the wealth being distributed byin those areas (given in percentages)


This task is about report writing and you need to report what the graphs present in a more concise and formal manner that suits report writing. The above sentences are ok for IELTS Task 2, but not for this one :(

Letters / my study plan for student visa application [3]

Well, if this letter for applying Student Visa, you need to include these details ;
1. Which University you are going to attend
2. What is your major and how long your course duration would be
3. How you are supporting your financing the course fee and other costs... are they borne by your parents or a scholarship or some sponsorship?
4. Talk about your arrangements with regard to accommodation

Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows the amount of sales in silver goods in 000's of units for two companies nextyear [4]


Yes, you need to upload the image. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block to upload your image :)
The bar chart delineatespresents the amount of sales of silver goods for Meteor Products Ltd and Mark Jones Ltd for the following year(you need to specify the period here), andwhile the pie chart presents an overview of the predicted market share at the end of the coming year. ?????

Include an Overview in between the Introduction and the Detail Body paras. The Overview should explain the major trends very briefly. It should not contain details that you talk about in the Detail body paras.

Writing Feedback / Computer skills reassure the future work-life - is it good to use computers from primary school age? [3]


In modern world, the knowledge and skills in computer science is an indispensable requirement.


I think your essay reads better without this line
The most persuasive point is that by using computers at schools, the students' future can be assuredthe students would be trained to develop a mandatory literacy skill required for their future success.It meansThis is because every job's requirements is knowingtoday requires computer skills, the chance to be enrolled in a position is stronger for them in the future. It is a fact that learning ability in low ageat a young age is highly stronger and viable than high agemore . T

Undergraduate / High school - the time when I learned most about myself and discovered the type of person I am [3]

Most people would say that your years ofin high school is where you'llyou learn most about yourself and discover the type of person you are based on the people you surround yourself with,your personality, and in my case it wasisvery true. My first three years ofat high school so far have been the most influential years in my life.


Well, I don't see a strong link between the previous sentence and the above sentences. You need to bridge that gap to achieve a better flow for your answer.

Writing Feedback / toefl: multiple short breaks are good for children to do well in their school life [3]


Well, I think you should have chosen only one of these two ideas to begin your essay. The opening sentence, we typically call it a hook that grabs reader's attention to your writing , should be a catchy meaningful sentence with relevance to your topic. So, you should have had one of the two for your hook and then quickly move into describe the background of the topic with the second sentence. Since this is a very time sensitive task, you need to fine tune your approach to manage time effectively :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing part 1. Popularuty of on-line purchases in different countries. [5]

Ok, according to the charts you uploaded, this is my suggestion for your Overview;
Overall, the trends show that the young people in the UK and Australia were more inclined to purchase tickets online than older people. However, in Malaysia the older people had outnumbered the young in online ticket purchases. Further, Desktop computer had been the most used device for online purchases in all three countries.


Try to avoid presenting information within brackets for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing part 1. Popularuty of on-line purchases in different countries. [5]

You should have uploaded the carts for us to provide you with more relevant and meaningful feedbacks on your writing. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block for uploading the image file :)


Well, in between the intro and the next para, insert an Overview which describes the main trends of the charts. The overview should be very brief and should not contain details such as percentages or other data. Then move into body paras to discuss more details of what your charts present. There you need to present comparisons.

Graduate / "Studying is one of my pleasurable activities"- Psyc PhD application SOP (international student) [2]

This is good ... but, I like if you spoke something about your family background too as that too plays an important part of one's autobiography. I do not mean that you need to talk about the demographics at length like telling what your father and mother do or how many siblings you have, however, I feel all that helps you describe how your personality got shaped into the one you are now. In the autobiography, they may look for information to understand your overall personal background and personality and not so much about your academic background .... this is my personal view!

Undergraduate / "Every great dream begins with a dreamer" - my essay for FIT [7]

I also know that through hard work (no comma) and dedication thewill make impossible dream becomes possible.


For me, this sentence sounds a bit redundant as it does convey the same idea as the previous one.


...spoke about what? I like if you were more specific on that !

Overall, I think you have included all important aspects that you need to tell them in this answer. However, pay attention to what Kevin suggested and organize your flow better to convince your reader that you are a right candidate for this course.


I find this is the best piece of advice for you to make this response a great one. :)

Undergraduate / Skateboarding; I grew up within a community of talented, inspiring individuals - background or story [3]

I have a few suggestion for you;

I grew up within in a community ofthat had many talented, inspiring individuals. These individuals weren'twere neither child prodigies nor were they particularly academically inclined. They were teenagers; the teenagers who skateboarded.

Some chose baseball and some chose musicalmusic or theater.

This choice was really on my own accord.purely my own.


I feel you better rephrase this sentence to convey your idea with better clarity ... I'm not getting your point :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS : The examination for alternative energy sources : beneficial or harmful? [6]

As the natural resources which we depend on for generating energy are coming to an endfacing the threat of becoming extinct, it is an urgent need that alternative energy sources must be found. However, some sections claim that the search for those kinds of resources has been claimed tocan be as harmful to the environment as the contemporary ones. I would disagree with this statement for many reasons.

Try and use direct speech more as it helps you deliver your ideas with better clarity.
Good introduction :)

Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]


Well, as I mentioned you earlier, I am not very clear about the topic in this essay :( However, I find you are having a good understanding about the essay approach and there is nothing wrong with what you have followed. Since your topic is somewhat confusing, I cannot comment on the content here. I hope to do that in your next thread on a different topic :)

Nevertheless, we cannot deny importantthe importance of politicians in society.

Graduate / SOP for graduate admission in EEE concentrating in Embedded System [5]

Well, if this is your SOP for graduate admission, then I would suggest you to talk about what your future plans are and how this course is going to help you achieve them. SOP should not be something that lists down your credentials and achievements, but an opportunity for you to tell the admission panel who you are as a person. They would be most interested to learn your passion in continuing this course and how you are going to make use of it.

Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

ThisThere is no doubt that technology is developing rapidly insince recent decades, especially inits influence can be observed in the media field. So some people think that the Internetinternet and television are having a significant influence on people's daily lives, even this influence is greater than that of politicians.

For me, your prompt is not very clear. Have you copied it properly?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Women absolutely dominate in two fields' - male and female teachers [8]


Take the second sentence into a new para. Your approach should ideally include an Introduction, Overview and Detail Paragraphs. In the Overview, discuss very obvious trends (what you've done is fine,but lengthen it a bit more ) very briefly without the support of data or statistics.

Women absolutely dominate in two fields - nursery and primary school (the amount of females reaches more than 90%).teaching where the females record more that 90% of total number of teachers.

As for college teaching, both genders own record 45%.50% each.
You cannot afford to make mathematical errors in this task :D

Essays / Information about a photograph taken in a school on a special occasion - letter [3]

Ok, then you need to give a start for this. Do your own letter and post it here for us to help with improving it. This letter, as you are going to write it to a friend, should be treated as an informal letter. So, here you have lots of freedom with the approach as you do not have to be formal as if you are writing an official letter where you need to follow certain rules. This is quite easy if you follow the answers to the question in your body of the letter.

Do your draft and post it here. We will help :)

Undergraduate / "Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT [12]

I remember, how I was fascinated I was (no comma) when I firstlyfirst attended calculus course, saw Meissner effect on a piece of ceramic that I immersed to liquid nitrogen, learned how to work with IR spectrometer.


I remember my enthusiasm while talking about my interest topics such as total synthesis or nasty NMR spectrum, with some well known scientists and undergraduates


All such experiences convinced me that I love chemistry and I long for solving complicated problems and enjoying sheer beauty and fascinating logic of chemistry.

Undergraduate / to persuade the parent to give freedom to their children in determining their own future [2]

:)

Freedom is meant by someonecan do whatever they wantmeans the power of act, speak or think as one wants.in their life but toHowever, in case of children, letting them decide their future is enough to be called as freedom. Lately, many parents not letting their children to decide their own future as theythoughttheir children are still not ready no make such big decision.By not giving freedom to children to decide what they wish to do in future, the parents may deprive them of developing their ability to make serious decisions in their adult lives.

Focus more on the points - First tell your point and then support it with an example

Undergraduate / 'I had the fantastic opportunity to travel to several cities in Europe' - Columbia; intended major? [3]

Two summers ago, I had the fantastic opportunity to travel toin several cities in Europe. Our first destination was Scotland, where my family and I toured grand castles and hiked the breathtaking Scottish Highlands. We then flew intoto Paris where we indulged in the usual tourist attractions: the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Notre Dame, and so forth.

It is good to know the prompt for which you wrote this response. Then we can comment better on the contents :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: people judge others by external appearance but is better also to consider the inner qualities [3]

How to judge others is a big challenge for everyoneanyone throughoutduring the history .

This is my suggestion;
Judging a person is not an easy task.


Well, you need to improve this part. I feel you have an idea about how your introduction be structured. However, when you try to introduce the issue to the reader, you have not done that job adequately. The easiest way is to paraphrase your prompt and present that idea. That covers the background of the issue. Then state your opinion clearly.

P.S. It is good if you include the full prompt in the post. Without knowing exactly what it asks, it is difficult for us to verify whether your writing is properly aligned with the prompt.

Graduate / 'to understand the fundamentals of the subject' - Psychology Application for Masters (Supplemental) [4]

However, it did not provide me with the training to apply the theory in the practical life. As much as I aspire to learn more about the theories, I also want to devote my time in receiving the training which will allow me to help relieve the pain of people suffering from the vicious illnessvicious mental sicknesses.


... I do not understand the latter part of this sentence :( ... I like if you rephrased that part to enhance clarity of your idea.

Graduate / Computer games are not much useful for children - they make them lazy and less social [3]

In my vantage point, their drawbacks weigh upoutweigh their benefits because offor the belowfollowing reasons.
First, computer games have negative effects on children's educational conditionapplication on studies. In class, they are preoccupiedless attentive to lessons as their concentration is more onby the games scenes and strategies. They think to theirkeep contemplating on games and the methods needed to improve their game performance, instead of paying attention to their teacher. They are affected by games not only during classes, but also after that in houseduring their leisure time at home.