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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6,925  
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From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Sep 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "what you should believe finally is not others, not any book, but only you" knowledge gained [4]

Well, you are presenting your introduction in a more sporadic manner.... You have several sentences that do not come in one bunch to form a clear introduction. In this task, you better follow a specific format and an approach. First begin your intro with a good hook and then introduce the background of the issue. Finally state your opinion on the issue very clearly. In your body paras you should justify your opinion by giving reasons a supporting them with specific examples.
dumi   
Sep 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / People care more about public recognition than about money [4]

However, it is my assertion that getting paid, rather than public recognition, remains the first and foremost purpose for most workers.

first and foremost purpose for what? This sounds a bit vague :(

To begin with, though spiritual incentives matter, money indeed matters more.

.... well, recognition is not really a spiritual motivation, but it deals more with one's emotions. This is my suggestion;
To begin with, though emotional incentives play an important role in motivating a person, money indeed matters more in that respect.
dumi   
Sep 4, 2014
Graduate / 'I found my favorite area' - SoP- Phd in Antropology [4]

I made different contacts to develop my master's research, I asked for help tofrom a professor from theof Psychology Institute and to a PhD student fromwith major in Botany. I worked withMy research was based on the behavior of capuchinCapuchin monkeys withwho are under the human influence. (stop here) This is a current and important issue (no comma) since many primate species are in this situation.
dumi   
Sep 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / Retail cashier job - my very first job experience [3]

Before I begin, I have a question. What is the essay supposed to be about? Is it about an experience of your first job? Is it for a TOEFL or IELTS test or what? I will assume here that this is for another job interview or like a university admission essay.

Yes, this is a very important thing.... you should tell us why and for what purpose you wrote this for us to understand the background and give you some meaningful feedbacks.

Here is some advice on grammar;

I will grabbed all the things that I need and take them with me in the bathroom so I can get ready for work.

I grabbed - past tense
I was grabbing - past continuous
I grab - present tense
I am grabbing - present continuous
I will grab - future
I will be grabbing - future continuous

Don't have the tenses mixed up in a sentence.
dumi   
Sep 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - Ticket buying Chart Comparison [4]

The bar charts showsshow how people of different group ages are more prone to purchasing tickets online for cinema, concert and theatre events and their preferred mean to obtain them. Moreover, this survey was taken by three countries during 2006.

First, this task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills and therefore you should present details in a very concise and reporting manner. Do not unnecessarily lengthen your sentences and try to be more formal in your tone than being personal.

This is my suggestion for the intro;
The bar charts present details about online ticket purchasing for theater, concert and cinema . The first chart shows the popularity levels of online ticket purchases in Australia, UK and Malaysia for two different age categories. The the second chart shows the details of means of access such as desktops, laptops and mobile phones for online ticket purchasing in the three countries.
dumi   
Sep 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts - Advertisements have become part of our life and it is impossible to ban them [2]

These days advertising has become a huge business.

Advertising has become a huge business in the modern world.

Various forms of advertising is common in almost all kinds of business.There are different kinds of opinion on advertisements today.

Well, do not drag too much on this idea as you may run out of time. Start your essay with a hook and then quickly move into introducing the background of the topic.

I will discuss both these opinions in detail within this essay.

Well, this sounds a bit vague. It is nicer to finish your introduction with a clear statement expressing your view on the issue. And then in the body paras, give reasons (one per body para) that you use to justify your view point and then support them with specific examples. The reader would find that approach more convincing.
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Type of temper and advantages of individual work as best arguments in favor of studying alone [8]

My first impression on your essay is that it could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. Am I right? (I didn't check your word count, but it looks like too short )

Study achievements depend on a range of various factors, one of which is pattern of work you tend to choose while studying. In particular, we may prefer to work either within a team of other students or alone. As for me, I favor the latter because of the following reasons.

Your introduction follows a good approach. You have a hook, background of the issue and your opinion stated there. However, your hook is not so interesting. Generally, it is nicer when you have a short and interesting idea for that. I like if you write something like;

The pattern of studying plays a major role in one's academic achievements.
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Graduate / 'My interest in Energy' - statement of purpose; University of Texas, Austin [5]

In highchoolhigh school I was taught that energy is the ability to do work, and work- done equals the product of force applied to an object and the distance which it moves. Matter contains at least one form of energy, be it potential, sound, or kinetic energy. When work is done when energy is transformed from one form to another.

Well, this sounds like a lesson on physics. I think this not a good approach for your SOP. The admin guys are not really interested in knowing these subject matters. They are more interested in learning what sort of a personality you've got. :(
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. [9]

There are variety different perspectives on the question of whether or not the appearance of celebrities on mass media is having adverse influence on children.

Ok, this is your opening sentence and therefore it should be strong enough to grab your reader's attention. So, don't write very long sentences. Write a short sentence that comes with an interesting idea and a good punch. Also try and avoid redundant words in your sentences that you use to lengthen the sentence.

People have varying views on how the media coverage on celebrities would affect the young children.
While some people still hold a conservativestereotype view that media coverage of celebritiesit can effect children's behaviors and development in a negative way,
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money.. [3]

Whether people should learn to manage their own money at young age in order to become financially responsible adults is widely discussed.

This sounds a bit stereotype beginning. You should make it more interesting for the reader :)
It is important that we should manage our money wisely in order to lead a good quality life. Some people believe it is better to train children to handle money from a young age. I too agree with this view.

Begin your intro with a hook, then tell the background of the issue and finally state your opinion. That's the approach I suggest.
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children always follow their parents rules and techniques to save money for future planning [4]

Do not begin your essay with expressing your opinion assuming the reader has an adequate knowledge about the issue you are going to discuss. The introduction is for you to introduce your topic to the reader and therefore you should first introduce the background of the issue to him. Then express your view.... That's a better arrangement and the reader would be more convinced about your point when you present your intro that way :)
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Internet is just a tool based on different inventions such as the computer, electricity and language [5]

I disagree because the internet isn't the most important invention ever, due to the disadvantages that it have the first is unsafe the second it is able to separate the people. also I think that the history have been a big number of inventions most important that the internet by way of example the electricity and language.

You begin your essay with expressing your opinion on the issue. It is better if you first introduced your topic to the reader and then expressed your view - The main objective of the introduction is to introduce the topic to the reader.

The first reason is that the internet is unsafe , because this tool in many cases is used for commit a crimes such as robberies and child pornography the previous opinion is based on the high levels of crimes that used the internet as tool, these are provided by internationals organizations each year.

First, the Internet has many issues with regard to its usage as it has been used to commit crimes such as robberies, murders and pornography in many instances throughout the globe.

Furthemore, I know that in many country the laws punish cybercrimes, in these always used the internet as tool by crime.

Well your body paras need more flesh :D ... First tell the reason and then support it with an example.
dumi   
Sep 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / Increasing Crime And Solutions For Governments - IELTS task 2 [3]

For one,First,unemployment is one of the reasons that can drive people to commit a range of both violent and non-violent offences . For instance, in poor countries, such as India, a great percentage of population does not have a stable, full-time job. Because the poorest members of population (do not repeat the same idea) Due to this reason, such people often are without reliable income, they have to turn to robberies or muggings to survive and feed their families. In response to this cause, governments could promote and subsidize businesses that create job more opportunities for the deprived. In this way, a lot of the populace can be pulled from the streets.
dumi   
Aug 27, 2014
Undergraduate / My goal is having lots of money to help homeless as well as poor people - success definition [5]

Include your topic or the prompt in your post. It is easier for us to align our feedbacks more with your requirement when we know that :)

Success can be defined as many different meaningsways depending on each people'sindividual's perceptionviews such as making lots of money, having a stable job, or a happy family.

For me, my goal is having lots of money to help homeless as well as poor people.

Again, what is this topic about? Is it about "success" or "your goal" ?????
Since I was young, I have been already aware that I am so much luckier than many other children at the sameof my age. I have myown family as a strong wall for me to count on. I have chance to go to school without worrying how to find a place to sleep tomorrow because I am raised and protected wonderfully by my parents. ... there's lots of redundancy in these latter sentences... You keep talking about the same thing and that may get the reader bored :(
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE essay: Many important discoveries or creations are accidental [3]

Important discoveries and creations are defined as discoveries and creations that have significant impacts on the society.

This is not a strong hook as it does not contain much meaning :(
Some people would argue that most of thesemany important discoveries are accidental, such as dynamite, while some others would argue many important discoveries or creations are onthat had been discovered or created for serving specific purposes, such as iPhone and theory of relativity. I believe many important discoveries or creations are not by mere accidentsaccidental , because theyimportant discoveries and creations are intended to attacksolve one or few problems.

You use the same words too much!

Yes, you repeatedly use "many important discoveries or creations"
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Internet will help student only if he has a desire to study [6]

In many countries, popularity of the internet consumption at schools is going up.

This is not a strong hook to open your essay. Your first sentence of the essay is a very important one as it is the one that makes the first impression about your writing. So, you should come up with a strong meaningful idea ;

The Internet is one of the most effective and popular inventions in the recent past.
Now tell your reader about the background of the issue - you can simply paraphrase the prompt;
Today, in many countries, it is being used in schools as an effective tool to deliver education to children. Some people believe this trend has negative effects on the education system.

Now state your own opinion clearly :)
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Every experience always gives us something to learn and keep for life [2]

I think you need to fine tune your approach on the introduction. You should have introduced the issue to the reader first before expressing your view on that. The main objective of the intro is to tell the reader what you are going to write about. In this case, it is the issue and your view on that.

In the body paras, begin your body para with a reason you use to justify your opinion on the issue. Then support that reason with a specific example.
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task1 - percentages of population and wealth in world [5]

Well, if this is for IELTS TASK1, you should have uploaded your graphs to enable us providing you with more meaningful feedbacks. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block to upload your image.

The bar graph illustrated provides information concerning several regions'about population in several regions as well as how the wealth being distributed byin those areas (given in percentages)

If it comes to population, needless to say, China is a foremost country making up a quarter of global population.

This task is about report writing and you need to report what the graphs present in a more concise and formal manner that suits report writing. The above sentences are ok for IELTS Task 2, but not for this one :(
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Letters / my study plan for student visa application [3]

Well, if this letter for applying Student Visa, you need to include these details ;
1. Which University you are going to attend
2. What is your major and how long your course duration would be
3. How you are supporting your financing the course fee and other costs... are they borne by your parents or a scholarship or some sponsorship?
4. Talk about your arrangements with regard to accommodation
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows the amount of sales in silver goods in 000's of units for two companies nextyear [4]

Where is the picture? Readers will share thoughtful feedback if you include the picture of the graph. Also, you should write IELTS task 1, including the full prompt.

Yes, you need to upload the image. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block to upload your image :)
The bar chart delineatespresents the amount of sales of silver goods for Meteor Products Ltd and Mark Jones Ltd for the following year(you need to specify the period here), andwhile the pie chart presents an overview of the predicted market share at the end of the coming year. ?????

Include an Overview in between the Introduction and the Detail Body paras. The Overview should explain the major trends very briefly. It should not contain details that you talk about in the Detail body paras.
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Computer skills reassure the future work-life - is it good to use computers from primary school age? [3]

In the modern world having knowledge and skill on computer is indispensable

In modern world, the knowledge and skills in computer science is an indispensable requirement.

Science is progressing with a great speed, and every part of life and every kinds of job are engaged with computer

I think your essay reads better without this line
The most persuasive point is that by using computers at schools, the students' future can be assuredthe students would be trained to develop a mandatory literacy skill required for their future success.It meansThis is because every job's requirements is knowingtoday requires computer skills, the chance to be enrolled in a position is stronger for them in the future. It is a fact that learning ability in low ageat a young age is highly stronger and viable than high agemore . T
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Undergraduate / High school - the time when I learned most about myself and discovered the type of person I am [3]

Most people would say that your years ofin high school is where you'llyou learn most about yourself and discover the type of person you are based on the people you surround yourself with,your personality, and in my case it wasisvery true. My first three years ofat high school so far have been the most influential years in my life.

Because my school is set in an urban area, most people that go there associated themselves with drugs or gang related activity. In most days, I would have to make decisions that could ultimately dictated my future because there would always be question that could potentially ruin my life if I agree to it.

Well, I don't see a strong link between the previous sentence and the above sentences. You need to bridge that gap to achieve a better flow for your answer.
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / toefl: multiple short breaks are good for children to do well in their school life [3]

School plays important role in our lives. Education which we receive from the school determines the level of our success.

Well, I think you should have chosen only one of these two ideas to begin your essay. The opening sentence, we typically call it a hook that grabs reader's attention to your writing , should be a catchy meaningful sentence with relevance to your topic. So, you should have had one of the two for your hook and then quickly move into describe the background of the topic with the second sentence. Since this is a very time sensitive task, you need to fine tune your approach to manage time effectively :)
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing part 1. Popularuty of on-line purchases in different countries. [5]

Ok, according to the charts you uploaded, this is my suggestion for your Overview;
Overall, the trends show that the young people in the UK and Australia were more inclined to purchase tickets online than older people. However, in Malaysia the older people had outnumbered the young in online ticket purchases. Further, Desktop computer had been the most used device for online purchases in all three countries.

As regards the age of people who were buying tickets on-line in 2006, it's clear that the young outnumbered older generation in Australia and UK (55% versus 45% and 55% versus 40% respectively)

Try to avoid presenting information within brackets for this task.
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing part 1. Popularuty of on-line purchases in different countries. [5]

You should have uploaded the carts for us to provide you with more relevant and meaningful feedbacks on your writing. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block for uploading the image file :)

The charts provide information about various ways of buying tickets to different recreational facilities in Australia,UK and Malaysia and the percentage breakdown of the age groups, preferring to buy tickets on-line in each of the above countries.
It's evident that the overwhelming majority of the concerned in all three countries chose to buy tickets from Desktop computer. Just under 60% in Australia and slightly above this number in both UK and Malaysia.

Well, in between the intro and the next para, insert an Overview which describes the main trends of the charts. The overview should be very brief and should not contain details such as percentages or other data. Then move into body paras to discuss more details of what your charts present. There you need to present comparisons.
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Graduate / "Studying is one of my pleasurable activities"- Psyc PhD application SOP (international student) [2]

This is good ... but, I like if you spoke something about your family background too as that too plays an important part of one's autobiography. I do not mean that you need to talk about the demographics at length like telling what your father and mother do or how many siblings you have, however, I feel all that helps you describe how your personality got shaped into the one you are now. In the autobiography, they may look for information to understand your overall personal background and personality and not so much about your academic background .... this is my personal view!
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Undergraduate / "Every great dream begins with a dreamer" - my essay for FIT [7]

I also know that through hard work (no comma) and dedication thewill make impossible dream becomes possible.

Through self-belief and motivation my dream of being a fashion designer can become a reality.

For me, this sentence sounds a bit redundant as it does convey the same idea as the previous one.

College was the first thing that spoke to me

...spoke about what? I like if you were more specific on that !

Overall, I think you have included all important aspects that you need to tell them in this answer. However, pay attention to what Kevin suggested and organize your flow better to convince your reader that you are a right candidate for this course.

You can use the examples and explanations about your life and dreams as ways of explaining your philosophy of fashion. The best way to improve your writing, that I can recommend, is to add a sentence to the beginning of each paragraph; make sure each paragraph starts with an interesting sentence that pertains to the main idea of the essay. Thinking about what does fashion have to do with dreams and aspirations, which you talk about in the essay.

I find this is the best piece of advice for you to make this response a great one. :)
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Skateboarding; I grew up within a community of talented, inspiring individuals - background or story [3]

I have a few suggestion for you;

I grew up within in a community ofthat had many talented, inspiring individuals. These individuals weren'twere neither child prodigies nor were they particularly academically inclined. They were teenagers; the teenagers who skateboarded.

Some chose baseball and some chose musicalmusic or theater.

This choice was really on my own accord.purely my own.

I gradually began to feel as though these older teenagers were the people who I identified with, and in turn it inspired me to advance myself in the realm of skateboarding.

I feel you better rephrase this sentence to convey your idea with better clarity ... I'm not getting your point :(
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS : The examination for alternative energy sources : beneficial or harmful? [6]

As the natural resources which we depend on for generating energy are coming to an endfacing the threat of becoming extinct, it is an urgent need that alternative energy sources must be found. However, some sections claim that the search for those kinds of resources has been claimed tocan be as harmful to the environment as the contemporary ones. I would disagree with this statement for many reasons.

Try and use direct speech more as it helps you deliver your ideas with better clarity.
Good introduction :)
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

dumi:
In addition to the essay's grammatical errors, do you think its content is all right?

Well, as I mentioned you earlier, I am not very clear about the topic in this essay :( However, I find you are having a good understanding about the essay approach and there is nothing wrong with what you have followed. Since your topic is somewhat confusing, I cannot comment on the content here. I hope to do that in your next thread on a different topic :)

Nevertheless, we cannot deny importantthe importance of politicians in society.
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Graduate / SOP for graduate admission in EEE concentrating in Embedded System [5]

Well, if this is your SOP for graduate admission, then I would suggest you to talk about what your future plans are and how this course is going to help you achieve them. SOP should not be something that lists down your credentials and achievements, but an opportunity for you to tell the admission panel who you are as a person. They would be most interested to learn your passion in continuing this course and how you are going to make use of it.
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

ThisThere is no doubt that technology is developing rapidly insince recent decades, especially inits influence can be observed in the media field. So some people think that the Internetinternet and television are having a significant influence on people's daily lives, even this influence is greater than that of politicians.

For me, your prompt is not very clear. Have you copied it properly?
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Women absolutely dominate in two fields' - male and female teachers [8]

The bar chart represents the proportion of men to women working as teachers in 6 educational spheres, namely, nursery, primary and secondary schools, colleges, private training institutes and universities in the United Kingdom in 2010. Overall, it can be seen that woman outnumber men in this type of career.

Take the second sentence into a new para. Your approach should ideally include an Introduction, Overview and Detail Paragraphs. In the Overview, discuss very obvious trends (what you've done is fine,but lengthen it a bit more ) very briefly without the support of data or statistics.

Women absolutely dominate in two fields - nursery and primary school (the amount of females reaches more than 90%).teaching where the females record more that 90% of total number of teachers.

As for college teaching, both genders own record 45%.50% each.
You cannot afford to make mathematical errors in this task :D
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Essays / Information about a photograph taken in a school on a special occasion - letter [3]

Ok, then you need to give a start for this. Do your own letter and post it here for us to help with improving it. This letter, as you are going to write it to a friend, should be treated as an informal letter. So, here you have lots of freedom with the approach as you do not have to be formal as if you are writing an official letter where you need to follow certain rules. This is quite easy if you follow the answers to the question in your body of the letter.

Do your draft and post it here. We will help :)
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Undergraduate / "Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT [12]

I remember, how I was fascinated I was (no comma) when I firstlyfirst attended calculus course, saw Meissner effect on a piece of ceramic that I immersed to liquid nitrogen, learned how to work with IR spectrometer.

Speaking with scientists and university students about things that interested me, for instance, some elaborated total synthesis or nasty NMR spectrum, I was happy.

I remember my enthusiasm while talking about my interest topics such as total synthesis or nasty NMR spectrum, with some well known scientists and undergraduates

There I experienced the most appreciated moments of my life, when I could just do things which I loved, solve complicated problems and enjoy sheer beauty and fascinating logic of chemistry.

All such experiences convinced me that I love chemistry and I long for solving complicated problems and enjoying sheer beauty and fascinating logic of chemistry.
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Undergraduate / to persuade the parent to give freedom to their children in determining their own future [2]

:)

Freedom is meant by someonecan do whatever they wantmeans the power of act, speak or think as one wants.in their life but toHowever, in case of children, letting them decide their future is enough to be called as freedom. Lately, many parents not letting their children to decide their own future as theythoughttheir children are still not ready no make such big decision.By not giving freedom to children to decide what they wish to do in future, the parents may deprive them of developing their ability to make serious decisions in their adult lives.

Focus more on the points - First tell your point and then support it with an example
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Undergraduate / 'I had the fantastic opportunity to travel to several cities in Europe' - Columbia; intended major? [3]

Two summers ago, I had the fantastic opportunity to travel toin several cities in Europe. Our first destination was Scotland, where my family and I toured grand castles and hiked the breathtaking Scottish Highlands. We then flew intoto Paris where we indulged in the usual tourist attractions: the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Notre Dame, and so forth.

It is good to know the prompt for which you wrote this response. Then we can comment better on the contents :)
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl: people judge others by external appearance but is better also to consider the inner qualities [3]

How to judge others is a big challenge for everyoneanyone throughoutduring the history .

This is my suggestion;
Judging a person is not an easy task.

Some people judge others based on their external appearances and others judge based on their personalities and backgrounds. In my point view, we should be aware of his achievement and thought.

Well, you need to improve this part. I feel you have an idea about how your introduction be structured. However, when you try to introduce the issue to the reader, you have not done that job adequately. The easiest way is to paraphrase your prompt and present that idea. That covers the background of the issue. Then state your opinion clearly.

P.S. It is good if you include the full prompt in the post. Without knowing exactly what it asks, it is difficult for us to verify whether your writing is properly aligned with the prompt.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Graduate / 'to understand the fundamentals of the subject' - Psychology Application for Masters (Supplemental) [4]

However, it did not provide me with the training to apply the theory in the practical life. As much as I aspire to learn more about the theories, I also want to devote my time in receiving the training which will allow me to help relieve the pain of people suffering from the vicious illnessvicious mental sicknesses.

Through my experiences of interning as a peer educator in mental health and awareness, I have encountered peers of my agewho have attempted to take their own life.

... I do not understand the latter part of this sentence :( ... I like if you rephrased that part to enhance clarity of your idea.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Graduate / Computer games are not much useful for children - they make them lazy and less social [3]

In my vantage point, their drawbacks weigh upoutweigh their benefits because offor the belowfollowing reasons.
First, computer games have negative effects on children's educational conditionapplication on studies. In class, they are preoccupiedless attentive to lessons as their concentration is more onby the games scenes and strategies. They think to theirkeep contemplating on games and the methods needed to improve their game performance, instead of paying attention to their teacher. They are affected by games not only during classes, but also after that in houseduring their leisure time at home.

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