Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010		 Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 6794 / page 1 of 170
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
dumi   
Sep 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "what you should believe finally is not others, not any book, but only you" knowledge gained [4]

Well, you are presenting your introduction in a more sporadic manner.... You have several sentences that do not come in one bunch to form a clear introduction. In this task, you better follow a specific format and an approach. First begin your intro with a good hook and then introduce the background of the issue. Finally state your opinion on the issue very clearly. In your body paras you should justify your opinion by giving reasons a supporting them with specific examples.
dumi   
Sep 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / People care more about public recognition than about money [4]

However, it is my assertion that getting paid, rather than public recognition, remains the first and foremost purpose for most workers.

first and foremost purpose for what? This sounds a bit vague :(

To begin with, though spiritual incentives matter, money indeed matters more.

.... well, recognition is not really a spiritual motivation, but it deals more with one's emotions. This is my suggestion;
To begin with, though emotional incentives play an important role in motivating a person, money indeed matters more in that respect.
dumi   
Sep 4, 2014
Graduate / 'I found my favorite area' - SoP- Phd in Antropology [2]

I made different contacts to develop my master's research, I asked for help tofrom a professor from theof Psychology Institute and to a PhD student fromwith major in Botany. I worked withMy research was based on the behavior of capuchinCapuchin monkeys withwho are under the human influence. (stop here) This is a current and important issue (no comma) since many primate species are in this situation.
dumi   
Sep 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - Ticket buying Chart Comparison [3]

The bar charts showsshow how people of different group ages are more prone to purchasing tickets online for cinema, concert and theatre events and their preferred mean to obtain them. Moreover, this survey was taken by three countries during 2006.

First, this task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills and therefore you should present details in a very concise and reporting manner. Do not unnecessarily lengthen your sentences and try to be more formal in your tone than being personal.

This is my suggestion for the intro;
The bar charts present details about online ticket purchasing for theater, concert and cinema . The first chart shows the popularity levels of online ticket purchases in Australia, UK and Malaysia for two different age categories. The the second chart shows the details of means of access such as desktops, laptops and mobile phones for online ticket purchasing in the three countries.
dumi   
Sep 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts - Advertisements have become part of our life and it is impossible to ban them [2]

These days advertising has become a huge business.

Advertising has become a huge business in the modern world.

Various forms of advertising is common in almost all kinds of business.There are different kinds of opinion on advertisements today.

Well, do not drag too much on this idea as you may run out of time. Start your essay with a hook and then quickly move into introducing the background of the topic.

I will discuss both these opinions in detail within this essay.

Well, this sounds a bit vague. It is nicer to finish your introduction with a clear statement expressing your view on the issue. And then in the body paras, give reasons (one per body para) that you use to justify your view point and then support them with specific examples. The reader would find that approach more convincing.
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Type of temper and advantages of individual work as best arguments in favor of studying alone [5]

My first impression on your essay is that it could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. Am I right? (I didn't check your word count, but it looks like too short )

Study achievements depend on a range of various factors, one of which is pattern of work you tend to choose while studying. In particular, we may prefer to work either within a team of other students or alone. As for me, I favor the latter because of the following reasons.

Your introduction follows a good approach. You have a hook, background of the issue and your opinion stated there. However, your hook is not so interesting. Generally, it is nicer when you have a short and interesting idea for that. I like if you write something like;

The pattern of studying plays a major role in one's academic achievements.
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. [3]

There are variety different perspectives on the question of whether or not the appearance of celebrities on mass media is having adverse influence on children.

Ok, this is your opening sentence and therefore it should be strong enough to grab your reader's attention. So, don't write very long sentences. Write a short sentence that comes with an interesting idea and a good punch. Also try and avoid redundant words in your sentences that you use to lengthen the sentence.

People have varying views on how the media coverage on celebrities would affect the young children.
While some people still hold a conservativestereotype view that media coverage of celebritiesit can effect children's behaviors and development in a negative way,
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money.. [3]

Whether people should learn to manage their own money at young age in order to become financially responsible adults is widely discussed.

This sounds a bit stereotype beginning. You should make it more interesting for the reader :)
It is important that we should manage our money wisely in order to lead a good quality life. Some people believe it is better to train children to handle money from a young age. I too agree with this view.

Begin your intro with a hook, then tell the background of the issue and finally state your opinion. That's the approach I suggest.
dumi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children always follow their parents rules and techniques to save money for future planning [4]

Do not begin your essay with expressing your opinion assuming the reader has an adequate knowledge about the issue you are going to discuss. The introduction is for you to introduce your topic to the reader and therefore you should first introduce the background of the issue to him. Then express your view.... That's a better arrangement and the reader would be more convinced about your point when you present your intro that way :)
dumi   
Aug 27, 2014
Undergraduate / My goal is having lots of money to help homeless as well as poor people - success definition [3]

Include your topic or the prompt in your post. It is easier for us to align our feedbacks more with your requirement when we know that :)

Success can be defined as many different meaningsways depending on each people'sindividual's perceptionviews such as making lots of money, having a stable job, or a happy family.

For me, my goal is having lots of money to help homeless as well as poor people.

Again, what is this topic about? Is it about "success" or "your goal" ?????
Since I was young, I have been already aware that I am so much luckier than many other children at the sameof my age. I have myown family as a strong wall for me to count on. I have chance to go to school without worrying how to find a place to sleep tomorrow because I am raised and protected wonderfully by my parents. ... there's lots of redundancy in these latter sentences... You keep talking about the same thing and that may get the reader bored :(
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE essay: Many important discoveries or creations are accidental [2]

Important discoveries and creations are defined as discoveries and creations that have significant impacts on the society.

This is not a strong hook as it does not contain much meaning :(
Some people would argue that most of thesemany important discoveries are accidental, such as dynamite, while some others would argue many important discoveries or creations are onthat had been discovered or created for serving specific purposes, such as iPhone and theory of relativity. I believe many important discoveries or creations are not by mere accidentsaccidental , because theyimportant discoveries and creations are intended to attacksolve one or few problems.

You use the same words too much!

Yes, you repeatedly use "many important discoveries or creations"
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Every experience always gives us something to learn and keep for life [2]

I think you need to fine tune your approach on the introduction. You should have introduced the issue to the reader first before expressing your view on that. The main objective of the intro is to tell the reader what you are going to write about. In this case, it is the issue and your view on that.

In the body paras, begin your body para with a reason you use to justify your opinion on the issue. Then support that reason with a specific example.
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Letters / my study plan for student visa application [3]

Well, if this letter for applying Student Visa, you need to include these details ;
1. Which University you are going to attend
2. What is your major and how long your course duration would be
3. How you are supporting your financing the course fee and other costs... are they borne by your parents or a scholarship or some sponsorship?
4. Talk about your arrangements with regard to accommodation
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows the amount of sales in silver goods in 000's of units for two companies nextyear [4]

Where is the picture? Readers will share thoughtful feedback if you include the picture of the graph. Also, you should write IELTS task 1, including the full prompt.

Yes, you need to upload the image. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block to upload your image :)
The bar chart delineatespresents the amount of sales of silver goods for Meteor Products Ltd and Mark Jones Ltd for the following year(you need to specify the period here), andwhile the pie chart presents an overview of the predicted market share at the end of the coming year. ?????

Include an Overview in between the Introduction and the Detail Body paras. The Overview should explain the major trends very briefly. It should not contain details that you talk about in the Detail body paras.
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / toefl: multiple short breaks are good for children to do well in their school life [3]

School plays important role in our lives. Education which we receive from the school determines the level of our success.

Well, I think you should have chosen only one of these two ideas to begin your essay. The opening sentence, we typically call it a hook that grabs reader's attention to your writing , should be a catchy meaningful sentence with relevance to your topic. So, you should have had one of the two for your hook and then quickly move into describe the background of the topic with the second sentence. Since this is a very time sensitive task, you need to fine tune your approach to manage time effectively :)
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing part 1. Popularuty of on-line purchases in different countries. [3]

Ok, according to the charts you uploaded, this is my suggestion for your Overview;
Overall, the trends show that the young people in the UK and Australia were more inclined to purchase tickets online than older people. However, in Malaysia the older people had outnumbered the young in online ticket purchases. Further, Desktop computer had been the most used device for online purchases in all three countries.

As regards the age of people who were buying tickets on-line in 2006, it's clear that the young outnumbered older generation in Australia and UK (55% versus 45% and 55% versus 40% respectively)

Try to avoid presenting information within brackets for this task.
dumi   
Aug 26, 2014
Graduate / "Studying is one of my pleasurable activities"- Psyc PhD application SOP (international student) [2]

This is good ... but, I like if you spoke something about your family background too as that too plays an important part of one's autobiography. I do not mean that you need to talk about the demographics at length like telling what your father and mother do or how many siblings you have, however, I feel all that helps you describe how your personality got shaped into the one you are now. In the autobiography, they may look for information to understand your overall personal background and personality and not so much about your academic background .... this is my personal view!
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Skateboarding; I grew up within a community of talented, inspiring individuals - background or story [3]

I have a few suggestion for you;

I grew up within in a community ofthat had many talented, inspiring individuals. These individuals weren'twere neither child prodigies nor were they particularly academically inclined. They were teenagers; the teenagers who skateboarded.

Some chose baseball and some chose musicalmusic or theater.

This choice was really on my own accord.purely my own.

I gradually began to feel as though these older teenagers were the people who I identified with, and in turn it inspired me to advance myself in the realm of skateboarding.

I feel you better rephrase this sentence to convey your idea with better clarity ... I'm not getting your point :(
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

dumi:
In addition to the essay's grammatical errors, do you think its content is all right?

Well, as I mentioned you earlier, I am not very clear about the topic in this essay :( However, I find you are having a good understanding about the essay approach and there is nothing wrong with what you have followed. Since your topic is somewhat confusing, I cannot comment on the content here. I hope to do that in your next thread on a different topic :)

Nevertheless, we cannot deny importantthe importance of politicians in society.
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Graduate / SOP for graduate admission in EEE concentrating in Embedded System [3]

Well, if this is your SOP for graduate admission, then I would suggest you to talk about what your future plans are and how this course is going to help you achieve them. SOP should not be something that lists down your credentials and achievements, but an opportunity for you to tell the admission panel who you are as a person. They would be most interested to learn your passion in continuing this course and how you are going to make use of it.
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

ThisThere is no doubt that technology is developing rapidly insince recent decades, especially inits influence can be observed in the media field. So some people think that the Internetinternet and television are having a significant influence on people's daily lives, even this influence is greater than that of politicians.

For me, your prompt is not very clear. Have you copied it properly?
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Essays / Information about a photograph taken in a school on a special occasion - letter [3]

Ok, then you need to give a start for this. Do your own letter and post it here for us to help with improving it. This letter, as you are going to write it to a friend, should be treated as an informal letter. So, here you have lots of freedom with the approach as you do not have to be formal as if you are writing an official letter where you need to follow certain rules. This is quite easy if you follow the answers to the question in your body of the letter.

Do your draft and post it here. We will help :)
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Undergraduate / "Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT [9]

I remember, how I was fascinated I was (no comma) when I firstlyfirst attended calculus course, saw Meissner effect on a piece of ceramic that I immersed to liquid nitrogen, learned how to work with IR spectrometer.

Speaking with scientists and university students about things that interested me, for instance, some elaborated total synthesis or nasty NMR spectrum, I was happy.

I remember my enthusiasm while talking about my interest topics such as total synthesis or nasty NMR spectrum, with some well known scientists and undergraduates

There I experienced the most appreciated moments of my life, when I could just do things which I loved, solve complicated problems and enjoy sheer beauty and fascinating logic of chemistry.

All such experiences convinced me that I love chemistry and I long for solving complicated problems and enjoying sheer beauty and fascinating logic of chemistry.
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Undergraduate / to persuade the parent to give freedom to their children in determining their own future [2]

:)

Freedom is meant by someonecan do whatever they wantmeans the power of act, speak or think as one wants.in their life but toHowever, in case of children, letting them decide their future is enough to be called as freedom. Lately, many parents not letting their children to decide their own future as theythoughttheir children are still not ready no make such big decision.By not giving freedom to children to decide what they wish to do in future, the parents may deprive them of developing their ability to make serious decisions in their adult lives.

Focus more on the points - First tell your point and then support it with an example
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Undergraduate / 'I had the fantastic opportunity to travel to several cities in Europe' - Columbia; intended major? [3]

Two summers ago, I had the fantastic opportunity to travel toin several cities in Europe. Our first destination was Scotland, where my family and I toured grand castles and hiked the breathtaking Scottish Highlands. We then flew intoto Paris where we indulged in the usual tourist attractions: the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Notre Dame, and so forth.

It is good to know the prompt for which you wrote this response. Then we can comment better on the contents :)
dumi   
Aug 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl: people judge others by external appearance but is better also to consider the inner qualities [2]

How to judge others is a big challenge for everyoneanyone throughoutduring the history .

This is my suggestion;
Judging a person is not an easy task.

Some people judge others based on their external appearances and others judge based on their personalities and backgrounds. In my point view, we should be aware of his achievement and thought.

Well, you need to improve this part. I feel you have an idea about how your introduction be structured. However, when you try to introduce the issue to the reader, you have not done that job adequately. The easiest way is to paraphrase your prompt and present that idea. That covers the background of the issue. Then state your opinion clearly.

P.S. It is good if you include the full prompt in the post. Without knowing exactly what it asks, it is difficult for us to verify whether your writing is properly aligned with the prompt.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Graduate / 'to understand the fundamentals of the subject' - Psychology Application for Masters (Supplemental) [4]

However, it did not provide me with the training to apply the theory in the practical life. As much as I aspire to learn more about the theories, I also want to devote my time in receiving the training which will allow me to help relieve the pain of people suffering from the vicious illnessvicious mental sicknesses.

Through my experiences of interning as a peer educator in mental health and awareness, I have encountered peers of my agewho have attempted to take their own life.

... I do not understand the latter part of this sentence :( ... I like if you rephrased that part to enhance clarity of your idea.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Graduate / Computer games are not much useful for children - they make them lazy and less social [3]

In my vantage point, their drawbacks weigh upoutweigh their benefits because offor the belowfollowing reasons.
First, computer games have negative effects on children's educational conditionapplication on studies. In class, they are preoccupiedless attentive to lessons as their concentration is more onby the games scenes and strategies. They think to theirkeep contemplating on games and the methods needed to improve their game performance, instead of paying attention to their teacher. They are affected by games not only during classes, but also after that in houseduring their leisure time at home.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Undergraduate / "Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT [9]

My world view was mostly shaped by my school, since it has a very strong community of alumni (no comma) and most of them work in the scientific field

This is my suggestion;
My world view was mostly influenced by my school which got a very strong alumni community that has many members working in the field of science.

I remember, how I was fascinated, when I firstly attended calculus course, saw Meissner effect on a piece of ceramic that I immersed to liquid nitrogen, or when my friend explained to me fundamentals of quantum chemistry.

... what is the relationship of the alumni of your school to this? You need to maintain a good flow :(
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Undergraduate / The Transcendence of a Stage - transition from childhood to adulthood [5]

Nobody knew that I (no comma) being a classical piano playerpianistcompletely in a complete different ballpark from modern day singers, would be selected to play for a talent show competition that is supposed to excite a crowd yearning for the comedians or the magicians.

I wish you shortened that sentence.... It's a bit too long and hence difficult for the reader to memorize details :(

The money collected from the show would go to a local charity called Tides, a peer support program that helps struggling kids recuperate from the death of a love one.

what do you mean by "of a love one"? That's not clear :(
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - people are way more disparate at the exterior contrary to what they are inside [4]

I think you need to pay more attention to the approach. Your essay does not contain a good introduction which introduces the topic to the reader and express your view on the issue.

This task is a time bound task and therefore you should aim for a good score while being able to complete the task. Introduce the topic in the intro and then state your view. In the body paragraphs give reasons to justify your opinion and support them with specific examples. Finally have a conclusion to make a final statement on your opinion. I think you better redo this essay all over again.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'joining sport team' - the best way for students to make new friends? [3]

It is better if you included the full prompt in this post so that we can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks :)

An increasing number of people begin to discuss the best way for students to make new friends. Many people are of the opinion that participating in community activities and traveling are best ways for a student to make new friendsfor making new acquaintances("making new friends" getting repeated too often). However, I strongly assertbelieve that joining a sports team is absolutely suit for a student to make new friends.is the best way for students to make new friends.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Undergraduate / 'My interests include organic chemistry and biochemistry' - Which department or program at MIT? [5]

Due tothisThis job I hadgave me the opportunity to spend a whole year synthesizing new heterocycles and doing total syntheses.
The last part I liked the most, so I would like to continue this work for the UROP.
What is this last part? It is not clear to me at all .... may be I lack the subject knowledge, but I like if you are more specific on that :)

I cannot even call synthesis a pure science, though its logic is almost mathematical, it is rather an art of great beauty.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / Why study? Knowledge, experience and career are essential for today's young people to concentrate on [5]

It is clearobvious that knowledge is an important key which leads to success. Most people believe that university and college is the best environment to getbuild that awareness. In addition, it is also a place that we can getgain new experiences in order to have best preparationprepare for our future careersin the future.

Very good introduction :) You follow a good approach for the intro :)
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / NUCLEAR TECHNOLOGY: The threat of nuclear weapons maintains world peace. [2]

Nuclear technology is a much debatedheatedissuetopic . Some people think that there are several benefits to use nuclear power as a clean sustainable energy source (no comma) while others worry about the safety of it generation nuclear energy. In my opinion, the advantages of nuclear power far outweigh theits disadvantages.

I like the approach you've followed for this task. You've done a good job :)
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: new factory will enhance the quality of life and our town's image promotion [3]

There have existed endless controversial opinions towards the building of a large factory near my community. Personally, I strongly agree withfavor thisthe decision to buildof building a new factory.

I like your introduction :)
Firstly, what I put my priority in is the improvement of living standard of the people in my community. (you need to be more specific here)

It is well noted that most people living in my town is out of work.jobless most of the days.
With the appearancepresence of the factory, more people living in my placecommunity would be able to have part time jobs to earn something extra for their familieswill have a job.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - The residents of Edmonton are especially keen on cars [7]

The pie chart compares the percentages of different modes of transportation used in Edmonton. Whilstwhile the table illustrates the main reasons for trvallingtravelling by car.

Firstly, it is clear that approximately half of all the people use cars, while around one-third preferred the light rail transit system. However, the figures for travelling by bus and taxi are equally important, reaching 10 per cent for each of these methods.

Also, the foremost reason for using an automobile is commuting to work, at a little over half of the total percentage. Although, it is followed closely by the need to take children from school and business-related activities, being at 40 and 45 per cent respectively. It can be noted that shopping and various lesure activities are the main motivation for 15 per cent of the surveyed populace each.

In conclusion, the residents of Edmonton are especially keen on cars, while they are mainly used for various work issues.

Well, you seem to be following an approach similar to IELTS Task 2 which is wrong. This task is for a different purpose - It attempts to assess your report writing skills and therefore adopt a more formal tone for this task. Do not include phrases like "First, Also, In conclusion" etc. that sound too personal and not like reporting facts. They are ok for the Task 2. Also, after the introduction, have an OVERVIEW that gives an idea of the main trends of your graph to the reader. Do not include any details there and after doing the Overview, move into Detailed paras.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'bring happiness to my nearest and dearest' - which salary would be better? [4]

I too agree with Pahan. You display good writing skills, good grammar, vocabulary knowledge, sentence structures etc. What you lack is an idea of how this essay be structured. For IELTS, which is also a time bound task, you need to work a lot on your approach to score marks while managing your time effectively. In the body paras, as Pahan suggests, you must give reasons to justify your opinion. This is a sample body para from me;

First, money is not guaranteeing one's happiness. If my job provides me a great salary without any free time, then I would not be able to have my time for my family which may affect our personal lives negatively. For example, I can feel my father's disappointment when I give him a ring to tell him I will not be able to make it for dinner and to have it before I come home.

Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
✖
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳