dumi
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "Chinese eat dogs"- a cultural conflict I enoutered, Common App [14]
The first too paragraphs flow beautifully. They are written very well. I too feel that the third and final paras fail to produce the same effect as the first two do.
However, I was actually more disappointed at myself for not answering to these matters.
Ever since then, I started to look for examples in life that would offer insights into these issues.
------For me, the problem starts here. Your points are good but there are some logical issues. You do not specifically mention about any time frame that you encounted these difficulties, but you use "Ever since then". This tends to confuse the reader. Try to replace these two sentences with more effective ones. You can do it 'cause you write very well.
At that moment, I felt a surge of pride and happiness for Chinese culture. But more importantly, I realized the virtue of cultural difference that had perplexed me so long. ---- This is really good. This is the quality of writing that should flow through out your essay.
By examining and embracing a different culture, I also began to understand my own country's culture better. I would always consider the cultural conflicts I faced as providing significant insights.-------- I suddenly feel some clash of ideas here. You say that your exposure to other cultures prompt you to understand your own better. And then you quickly jump to a different idea saying you respect cultural differences since they provide an insight. In my view, It is better that you support your first claim with one more sentence before you come to the second idea. Include a statement ithat can link these two ideas in between the two sentences.
Overall, I can say that you write very well and you have very good points. It's a matter of further improving the quality for it to be a perfect essay. GOOD LUCK!!
The first too paragraphs flow beautifully. They are written very well. I too feel that the third and final paras fail to produce the same effect as the first two do.
However, I was actually more disappointed at myself for not answering to these matters.
Ever since then, I started to look for examples in life that would offer insights into these issues.
------For me, the problem starts here. Your points are good but there are some logical issues. You do not specifically mention about any time frame that you encounted these difficulties, but you use "Ever since then". This tends to confuse the reader. Try to replace these two sentences with more effective ones. You can do it 'cause you write very well.
At that moment, I felt a surge of pride and happiness for Chinese culture. But more importantly, I realized the virtue of cultural difference that had perplexed me so long. ---- This is really good. This is the quality of writing that should flow through out your essay.
By examining and embracing a different culture, I also began to understand my own country's culture better. I would always consider the cultural conflicts I faced as providing significant insights.-------- I suddenly feel some clash of ideas here. You say that your exposure to other cultures prompt you to understand your own better. And then you quickly jump to a different idea saying you respect cultural differences since they provide an insight. In my view, It is better that you support your first claim with one more sentence before you come to the second idea. Include a statement ithat can link these two ideas in between the two sentences.
Overall, I can say that you write very well and you have very good points. It's a matter of further improving the quality for it to be a perfect essay. GOOD LUCK!!