Undergraduate / Essay on the remarkable Dr. Crenshaw; Common App [3]

Hi :) Your essay sounds great to me, I can make a few suggestions.

At first sight, the Salk Institute for Biological Studies looked like an appropriate compilation of concrete that echoed its dry name.
Not so sure about this opening sentence, only because it seems kind of negative, but it works if you really want to keep it, because you are simply being honest.

My predisposition was so strong that I hardly believed the young, bright-eyed woman at the podium when she introduced herself as Dr. Crenshaw.
This sentence is a little awkward. You could say it like this: "My predisposition vanished as a young, bright-eyed woman stood at the podium; she introduced herself as Dr. Crenshaw."

YetT he stories and lessons she shared to us were too vibrant and passionate to ignore. In fact, it was Dr. Crenshaw's lecture that inspired me to go intopursue some research.

Yet suchThese enlightening conversations were far andfewsparse in our class's humdrum curriculum,and somaking science seem just that: boring.

Her lecture ignited my interest in biology.

... that research was very much the pursuit of curiosity.
and for the purpose of finding a solution to a scientific problem.

Undergraduate / Major in Engineering + mix of Physics, math & dirty hands; UPenn/Engage academically [6]

From your essay I can tell that you have a great interest in the field of engineering, however, the essay is asking how will you engage academically- so, I believe you need to add to this essay- what you intend on studying, what kind of projects would you like to work on, what do you expect to master while you study, would you enjoy working with other students, and how passionate are you about gaining the best scores and finishing your degree, be sure to mention how this degree will help you reach your career goals. I edited the first few sentences for you, you still need to work on your grammar.

Last summer, i went to the workshop where people fix their motor engines for a member of my big family called Nabeh.whoHe is a mechanical engineerand Nabeh was encouraging me to enter the field of engineering . He knew that i was very good in physics and mathematics and he know i am curious and physics filled that butalthough I was interested in physics, he did not want me to be a physicist . Because the lake of jobs in physics field. He told me that a degree in engineering is a flexibleversitilemajor and i can work anything i want whetherwould have many opportunities in the research field, in a company ,or I could even start up my own company .

Undergraduate / Playing, listening, analyzing, and recording Drexel supplement - music industry major [3]

Hi, I think that your essay sounds great. You write well, and you appear to be an intelligent and mature individual. You explain your history with the field of music, and what fuels your passion for this field. You have also given an explanation of your future goals and plans, which is essential to an essay like this. Honestly, you have done everything right :) Nice job, good luck in school :)

Graduate / LOR draft from employer for graduate studies in electronics [4]

As the technical lead and owner of XX Pvt Ltd, I have known XX for the past one year as a trainee engineer in our R&D department.

LatelyRecently, his responsibilities have been increased to work on the design team and trainfresh joiners(new hires?) as well.

He is a dynamic, responsible, and committed employee who has made commendable contributions to the success of our company.

He definitely has the potential to cut above the rest and go places in life.
You could say it like this: "He is a cut above the rest, and has great future potential."

For instance, while working on the XX display project, I had shown him the different symbols that were to be displayed but could not explain to him the way he should go about working for themethod to create a solution.

Recently we have given him an additional job duty of training a couple of new joinershires , which he readily accepted and is guiding them well.

Undergraduate / Leaving the Tribe; Common App/ Parting between two people [6]

I agree with Didgeridoo. This sounds more like a piece of work that is meant for a creative writing assignment. I can tell that you have a great ability for writing, but unfortunately you are off the mark with this paper. Try to choose two people that have parted ways, and tell a little story about them. As you tell the story, speak of the feelings that they experienced and the emotions that they endured. This must be unique, so you can catch the eyes of admissions. Don't forget to answer the 2nd part of the question-what soothes their agony and pain? Faith in God is ok, but there needs to be more substance to the answer. There must be specific things or methods that helped the two people heal after their loss. If you revise this, feel free to re-post it and there are lots of people here that can help you :)

Undergraduate / Passion for building structures; University of Toronto Engineering App [2]

Hi :) You have written a very nice essay. Your final paragraph is very well done. I think that you can improve upon the beginning of this essay. The minor problem is that your background story is very similar to almost everyone that answers this prompt question. It is a bit cliche to say that from a young age you always built with blocks, etc. So, I would advise you to try and make this essay unique to YOU, in order to catch the attention of the admissions officials. Maybe you could select a little moment in time that is interesting, a problem that you solved, or some little thing that inspired you. Basically, the college is looking to hear that you are a person with a plan, and you need to lay out the basis of your plan. What is it about you that makes you especially made out for this career field? I think you could consider these ideas if you decide to revise your paper.

Undergraduate / I wouldn't make my mom cry again / Johns Hopkins SUp/ something you couldn't tell us [4]

When I grabbed a book, I could only read the first page and did something else.
This might sound better: "Every time I tried to read a book, I'd lose interest after the first page, and go do something else."

When I was in fifth grade, I took a math test in myat school.

The test was simply solving 100 problems in one minute.
Or, you could say it like this: "It was a simple test that required us to solve 100 math problems in one minute."

That night, I overheard my mother sobbing as my father trjavascript:paste_strinL(selektion,3,''+'FF0000'+'','', '');anslated the note to her.

I still had trouble, but after series of many practice rounds , I finished in time.

I gained a confidence that I couldin my ability to increase my attention span.

So, I started to time myself for reading and studying, and eventually got rid of the ADHD symptoms.overcame the burden of ADHD.
You need one more sentence at the end of this. Something like, "I was able to build my knowledge by discovering the right method for my unique way of learning."

Undergraduate / My Dad had once been in prison; Texas AM / Impact Person [8]

I could not find my family from hundreds of eyes looking at the door I just walked passed.
You could also say it like this: "Hundreds of eyes were staring at the door I walked through, as I scanned the crowd for my family."

"I was in prison for a year, it was economic crime."

I was shocked, my Dad's image collapsed.
You could say this: "I was shocked that my father's perfect image was actually tarnished."

He had failed to the deepest place on Earth that it could take him a lifetime to stand tall and recover, not to mention success in life.

I think that "deepest place on Earth" doesn't sound quite right here... he never really meant any harm or hurt anyone, right?

I was crashedstuck at the check-in counter because I will have to miss the rest of my return flights returning home.that I have been waiting for a year.

You may want to add a little quip at the end, something philosophical, that represents the meaning of your story.

Writing Feedback / Time & how it passes by; should we blame distance or time? [4]

My brain was yelling at me, my mind astray. My thoughts hit like torpedoes directed to my heart. My religion was questioning me. Why hadn't I kept in touch? What if they had needed me?

I like what you say here, but the wording could be better, I see room for improvement in this section. I see that you are making a major point, so be as descriptive as you can.

A forgotten past, forgotten memories, forgotten time; we had lost a part of us.
I think that at the end of your paper, you get off-track, and sound quite negative... if you can try to be more positive then it would make your paper sound better, I think that a good, main point for your final paragraph is that basically friends come and go throughout your life, it is not a bad thing and is not usually anyone's fault. I think that as people age and grow, their friends will change too, because a person will usually keep friends that suit them, support them, and share the same interests. Sometimes, people just move away or lose touch and their is no real reason. You don't need to speak of people being fake, selfish or liars- these things do make you sound judgmental. So, in your best interest, I'd put a more positive spin on this story. Good job so far :)

Undergraduate / Me Vs My sister; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual vitality [7]

I think that you need to stay consistent in your past "tense" I can give you some suggestions.

We were getting prepared for the annual Christmas Eve church service, finishing preparing the dishes to be eaten Christmas day.
You may want to say it like this: "While anticipating our annual Christmas Eve church service, we finished preparing food for Christmas day."

Us kids are helping our dad make the family-tradition, generation passed barbecue for dinner and preparing tea rings for breakfast Christmas morning.
You could also say it like this: "My siblings and I were helping Dad with a family tradition, a barbecue dinner. We prepared tea rings for breakfast on Christmas morning."

After church, we would drive through town...

Once we returned home, we would gather around the fire..

Christmas is a very important time of year to me, not only with my beliefs but with my family.
Can you be more specific about your beliefs? do you mean religious beliefs?

Undergraduate / Broadening Horizons; Liberal arts/ Skills and competencies [5]

If the word limit allows more space, then go for it, write a few more skills that you expect to learn- things that will really help you advance your career plan. Always be sure to emphasize what you plan to do when you get your degree. I think it is ok the way it is, but there is still room for improvement. Good luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'Frank Ocean's Bad Religion' - My fav song. Essay for UChicago [4]

Hi :) Yes, it flows fairly well, and I can point out one part that needs to be cleared up: His statement that is a 'bad religion' is in reference to how he is expected to beg God for forgiveness for his sin, but the sin he has performed is pulling him apart from God to begin with.

This is very profound, but the sentence is a bit too long and that makes it hard to read it. If you can try to make it more clear then it will be easier to read. The other thought I had was that "None of the popular religions accept or acknowledge homosexuals." is not quite true, be sure to research this fact to ensure its validity.

Also, the rest of this notion: "Frank Ocean begging to God will bring about unbearable pain and anger to himself because he would not be able to love thing the way he wants to. These lines bring up the question 'what is the point to praising God, if he does not recognize and accept your devotion to him because of you who you fell in love with?'"

You do raise a very good point, but try to be more clear. It is his own religion that is making him think this way, so the lesson is to break away from the religion and get closer to god instead, because god truly loves everyone, no matter if you are gay. I understand what you are saying, you are translating his lyrics but it needs to sound a bit more clear. You could improve on this part to make your essay perfect :)

Undergraduate / Rock music; the freedom to be yourself/ COLUMBIA App/ Meaningful cutural event [4]

This is good, I like the way you describe the concert, and I think that you could add more to that description that would tie-in to your explanation of its meaningfulness. Through the band's music, so many people unite and come together just for their love of the music. They have their own unique interpretations of the lyrics, they have their own way of dancing, each person is so different but so alike the person sitting next to them. I totally understand and can relate to what you are saying. I think that you can elaborate further on the idea of how the concert made you see people this way. I'd select one more point to make on the topic being meaningful, the essay definitely could be improved by lengthening it. Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: A good neighbor should be honest, cooperative and considerate! [4]

Generally apart from where we are living, we have neighbors around us. Each person according to the own characteristic divide neighbors to different categories, which one would be " The good neighbor".

You could say it like this: Most people live in a neighborhood, with other people or families living nearby. They will probably judge their neighbors by their actions, and may think that some people are good neighbors.

I believe that a good neighbor should be honest, have the feeling ofcooperative and be considerate.

First of all, I think the major issue that shall be talked on relating to a good neighbor is his/her honesty . Having an honest neighbor will make the relation more friendly.

Or it may sound better to say it like this: "I believe that honesty is the most valuable quality in a good neighbor. In order to have a friendly relationship with your neighbors, honesty is very important."

Accordingly,although he prepared all my requested equipments but also he came and gave a hand to expedite the painting.
Maybe say it like this: "Not only did he gather the needed supplies for me, he also gave me a hand so I could finish my painting faster."

Undergraduate / I find the English people very fascinating; People you'd like to know/ GRINNELL SUPP [2]

I mostly find myself being pulled, as an observer, into the world of the characters.
This sentence sounds a little awkward. maybe say it like this: As I read about the characters, I feel like an observer being pulled into their world.

From my enormousnumerous readings, I envision the English people not only as people who are friendly and patriotic, but also people who take so much pride in their culture and way of life.

They were the complete opposite of the people I envisioned the English people from the books I'd readto be : rude, arrogant and egotistical .

I began to see to the reasonunderstand why the English people are being stereotyped as rude, arrogant (find synonyms for these words, so you don't repeat yourself) and was no different from those whoseeI judged the English People only in light of their egoistic behaviors.

But as luck would have it, my second encounter with an English girl, Anne, became my turning point.
I think that turning point is not the right phrase for this sentence, you mean that your judgement about english people was based on one single experience, and that Anne helped you realize that english people are more like the one you had always imagined.

Undergraduate / From Ukraine to Ghana; Richmond University Supplement [5]

Yes, you answered the prompt question well, and your unique story is very interesting. You have lots of good content and I love your topic. Nice job :)

Undergraduate / 'Frank Ocean's Bad Religion' - My fav song. Essay for UChicago [4]

Fantastic job! I love this essay, you have written this in a very wise and mature manner. I have a few suggestions for your grammar.

I believe this is an excellent song that forces the listener to "read between the lines".
I think that this a better way to use quotations for this expression.

Frank Ocean is weighed downburdened by his secret and starts to confide in the driver.
Before Frank Ocean, is done telling the driver his story, the driver says,"allahu akbar" which is Arabic for God is great. hjny
You may want to say it like this: "Although Frank Ocean was not finished telling his story, the driver interrupts him by saying "allahu akbar" which is Arabic for God is great."

Frank Oceanresponds to him by saying, "Don't curse me." He may have said this because he did not understand the meaning behind the phrase; or alternatively, the phrase reminded him of the pain and agony he feels inside.

..believing that any problem Frank Ocean has c an be overcome if he devotes himself to God. .

These lines are the essence of the song.

Essays / 'Facebook harming society..' - is this a thesis statement? [6]

Hi :) Remember that a thesis statement has a purpose: to say in one or two sentences what your paper is going to explain. So, when you say, "facebook that harms society and person is one of the social networking that is the most clicked and used" I can't completely understand what you mean by this. I can assume a couple of things. I think you mean to say: "Research of social networking websites has shown that Facebook is the most commonly used, which may actually be harmful to society." You then need to use reasons to support your thesis. I hope this helps you, good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Mobile Phone and its benefits [4]

In today's world mobile phone has lot of use, it can be used for work-like situations and also for non-work situations, for instance if you have to call your friend who is thousands of miles away from you, you can reach him in a second and find his situation in minutes.

This sentence is too long. I can help you. You may want to say it like this:
Mobile phones are very useful, and they are used by societies all over the world. Some people use them for work, and some use them for everyday things. In an instant, a person can contat a friend who lives thousands of miles away.

It can also be used in emergency situation, when you have no way out cell phone is the best rescuer you have at that time. In this generation it is the need of every person, it can also be utilized for the internet so you have the best package on the go.

Another way you can say this: In case of an emergency, access to a mobile phone is important because a person can call for help. People of all ages need mobile phones. A person can also use their phone to get access to the internet on the go.

Undergraduate / From Ukraine to Ghana; Richmond University Supplement [5]

Obviously, it was a huge change for us, who had never been to Africa, and, as expected, we faced numerous challenges, most of them having something to do with adapting to a new culture, a new diet, a new environment, a new climate, etc.

This sentence is too long. You could shorten it or turn it into 2 shorter, more concise sentences.

We had English teachers in Russia, and we even got a private teacher for the last 3 months, but what I learned was so basic, and the difference in the dialect of the locals and my teachers so great that it really didn't help at all.

Another too-long sentence. Here is a better way to say this:
"In Russia, we had English lessons in school and I also had a private teacher for the 3 months prior to moving. However, the English that I learned was so basic that I could not communicate well with the locals, who had their own dialect."

I began to learn English through my Russian textbooks. We had textbooks for class 1 through 4, and I spent many hours learning through them with my mom. However, I found, as most people do, that learning a language from textbooks isn't really helpful, especially when those textbooks focus on theory. I learnt and learnt, but only improved ever so slightly.

Is there anyway that you can make this part of your paper more interesting?

By the time I was in fourth grade, I was reading books, which my mom read in weeks with a dictionary in hand, in just a few days.

Or, you could say it like this: "By the time I entered fourth grade, I could read books with ease. I read faster than my mom, who would take weeks to read a book while using a dictionary to help."

Undergraduate / Walking in the coldness of the winter/ Common App [11]

Hi :) I just read your essay. I think it is good, but needs some improvement. You had to walk a mile to the bus station every day, why? was it for school? I wonder the purpose of your walking because, if for example you are walking to school, then you could revolve the essay around your determination to reach your goal of going to school and getting good grades. It is ok to mention how alone you felt, and how the difficult journey took a toll on your confidence. Try to not be so negative, so explain what happened, but turn it to positive thoughts by halfway through your essay. I think that you could improve on the description of your situation. Also, it worries me a bit that you'd ask a random stranger for a ride, because that may make you appear to have bad judgement. So, I'd change the way you explain that scenario- say that the lady stopped and offered you a ride, and by her kind words you could tell that she meant no harm and was being a good Samaritan. I'd like to hear more about how this woman's kindness affected you, and made you realize some things about yourself. Nice work so far, also, continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school. :)

Undergraduate / college is the key to a successful future; Common App/Transfer Essay [5]

This is very very good. Well done! I think that your writing, structure, and grammar look great, and you are saying everything right. One thing that I noticed- you may just want to add in a sentence about your plan for after college. It doesn't have to be super specific, but just add in what you intend to use your degree for, or even if there is a certain field that interests you, like set design or something. The admissions really want to know that you are a person with a plan, so let them see that you envision a successful career after getting your degree. Once again, nice work. Good luck in school :)

Essays / Why 20 should be the new driving age? [4]

Thesis could be something like this: Considering the alarming rates of automobile injuries and deaths for teenagers, there are many reasons why the age of 20 would be a more appropriate age to begin driving.

Teenagers are drinking and smoking pot then getting on the road and killing innocent people and themselves.
Many teens drink or do drugs before they drive, which puts themselves and innocent drivers at great risk for fatality.

I did not even see the truck and I proceeded to make a left turn without waiting for it to pass. Luckily for me the driver was here illegally and did not have proper paperwork to even make a report, so I was able to leave the scene.

I had been taking a left turn without waiting for traffic to pass, and I never even saw the truck coming. Fortunately, the driver was here illegally, and lacked the documentation needed for a police report, so I thankfully left the scene.

I was one of those teens that teenagers say are capable of making good judgment calls and can definitely handle driving but, I obviously wasn't.

I considered myself to be a model teenager who drove well and had good judgement, but I overestimated myself at that time.

Could the rise in the economy could be the rise in Teenage driving deaths?
Could the economy have an influence on the rising rates of teenage driving deaths?

In your conclusion, you must give some valid reasons why 20 is appropriate. Is there a change in brain chemistry, or environment, or maturity itself. You need a reason to back up your thesis statement. Good luck. Let me know if you need more help :)

Undergraduate / college is the key to a successful future; Common App/Transfer Essay [5]

This looks great! Nice job on your revised essay. I picked out a few minor things that you may want to change.

My college admission process started very early
You could say it like that: "I started my college admission process very early"

Despite this, I noticed something that began to trouble me.
Or, this: "Despite my enthusiasm, I noticed something that began to trouble me."

I was perfectly finesatisfied with going to (community college) but I started to miss outlong for an actual college experience.likeI wanted dorming, social gatherings, actually having school pride.andW ith my intended major being in theater, I decided to take the theater electives offered to me, but they were not challenging.

this college was not meeting my needs.

Writing Feedback / television and movies will bring more harmful things than the delightful things [4]

As the development of the telecommunication and internet , people can choose various entertainment forms and will not only limited in small variety.
This is hard to understand. Maybe say it like this: Since the existence of telecommunication and the internet, people have chosen to entertain themselves with movies and television.

Television and movies areplay a major role in most of the lives of young people .

Although teens may feel that they arethe media is simply meant to entertain, these mediait can deeply affect their minds.andTelevision and movies can influence how they think and react to various situations.

From my point of view, I always believe that the television and movies will bringcause more harmful thingseffects than thedelightful things to thebenefits for young people.

Undergraduate / Lions village motherless babies home; Essay 2 [5]

Honestly, I was a little bit reluctant to go because in Nigeria where I live, most orphanages owned by the government are not well kept, the children are not well fed, and the environment in which they live in is not conducive at all.

This sentence is too long. Maybe you could split it up like this:
"I was reluctant to go, due to the conditions of orphanages run by the Nigerian Government. Most of them are not maintained, the children often go without meals, and overall, the environment is not conducive to their needs."

I know that there is a word limit, but I wonder if you can quickly mention what was the purpose of your trip to the orphanage? Why did your school bring you there? Was it to help you see how good your life was compared to those less fortunate? Or, was it merely to volunteer with the children?

Your essay is organized just fine. The conclusion needs work. When you say this: "It's funny how, as I got involved in knowing these children, the unconducive environment they were in, or the state of the orphanage did not even come across my mind, neither did it bother me. It wasn't even my main focus anymore." I think that it could be revised into what lessons you learned that day, and how did the experience make you see your own future in a different way?

Undergraduate / college is the key to a successful future; Common App/Transfer Essay [5]

My college admission process started very early and with preparation and I was looking forward to every new day with anticipation.
I scratched out that part because you repeat what you already said .

I wouldconstantly checked my email, mailbox and my cellphone constantly to see if I had anythingreceived any news .

I ended up finding out that she never sent out my transcript or my recommendation letters to any of my colleges!
It may sound better like this: "Actually, I found out that she had never sent out my transcript or my recommendation letters to any of my colleges!"

With my intended major being in theater, I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave; that this program was not for me.
You go straight from saying that you applied, to needing to leave. This makes me see a gap in your tale, can you explain what happened more clearly? I see that in the next sentence you say that it did not meet your needs, but I feel like it is missing something.

From my research, the(UNIVERSITY OF____) has a theater program that will keep me challenged with its academic programs, as well as having more knowledge of career opportunities and an opportunity to have a productive college experience will carry into my career of theater.

This sentence is too long.. can you split this into 2 sentences?

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- The Influence of Sherlock Holmes [6]

You have done a nice job revising your essay. I really like this, it is very unique :)

You know...teach you to look for details and stuff.

Holmes is known for throwing himself completely into a case with his mind, heart, body and soul.

Sherlock has taught me that whatever I choose to do, I should do it with zeal, whether it be researching a human rights topic to discuss at the next Amnesty International meeting or practicing and perfecting that classical Indian dance that I will eventually perform.

This sentence is too long. I love what you are saying here though.

As of now, he has taught me to accomplish my short-term goals to the best of my ability.
By reading about Sherlock, I have been inspired to accomplish my goals...

For Sherlock, it is to become the world's best criminal detective.
Check the validity of this statement, did he really have that goal? Or maybe his goal was using his determination to solve even the most impossible mystery.

Undergraduate / I'm lucky to follow my inclinations to learn things that interest me : UIUC Supp [3]

Your essay looks great overall. I have a few things I'd like to comment on:

However, not liking this concept, my parents give me plenty of latitude to search out what I really like and what I enjoy the most.

Fantastic! I like how you explain your cultural idea on getting a job, and how your parent are unconventional-maybe you could use that word.

Unlike those students who are restricted by their parents to focus on only a few professions, I am lucky to follow my inclinations to learn things that interest me.

Good thing that you did not have to deal with the kind of pressure that forces you into an unwanted career. Maybe you can use a different word than "lucky" You mean that your parents have given you the freedom to explore career options that truly interest you and that you would enjoy.

One result of this was that I asked my parents to let me have piano lessons.
You could also say something like this: "My parents were happy to grant me permission to take piano lessons."

Lots of young can people play the piano but what makes me different from other learners is that I have been constantly learning for more than 12 years.

You don't need to say the "lots of young people" part, it would be better to say how you learned self-discipline by practicing and mastering the piano at a young age.

Essays / Why 20 should be the new driving age? [4]

Hi :)

In 2011, just 1 year ago, deaths of 16-year-old drivers increased 16 percent, but why? Could this be due to biological development? What about the rise in the Economy? Could these statistics be due to underage drinking? Could Distractions be the cause? Or, is it all of the above? Could these Statistics be prevented?

Your intro sounds good, you need to work on your grammar overall. One part of your intro needs to be adjusted. i can tell you are writing a persuasive essay, and the questions you raise are leading into the body of your paper. I think you should take this part and change the questions into statements, because it would sound more professional

Teenage drivers are notlack the mental capacity to control their impulses behind the wheel and to make gooduse their best judgment, like whether to wear a seat belt or not .

In addition to teen's mental development, this age is the age where males and females begin to try social drugs and alcohol which add to the bad judgment calls.

This statement does not quite "fit" in this paragraph, although I can see that it leads in to the next paragraph's theme. In place of the drugs things, maybe give one or two additional examples of what bad judgments teenagers make in the car (playing with the radio, making phone calls, having too many friends in the car, distractions)

Undergraduate / Why Colorado College Essay.. Hiking Mountains [3]

Once,W hen I was eleven, I hiked up a mountain near my city. It was a beautiful place, full ofcovered with rain forests and withit had a wonderful view of the sea.

I enjoyed the adventure,and that day I promised I wouldwhich inspired me to hike higher and higher mountains, always challenging myself. MyThe next mountain that I intend to climbis called "College".

I first learned about Colorado College when I was seeingsaw a student poll...

I had already decided on whichmy universities list,that I liked best.But, when I researched more about CC and read all the information andthe student reviews, I sawknew it was the school that I wanted to goattend.

Undergraduate / Describe an unusual way in which you have fun. (Caltech Supplement) [4]

I think you have a good essay here. I can help you with your wording. Here are my suggestions:

I had added too much brown sugar and not enough potassium nitrate into my experiment. The mixture started boiling, and the red dye I had added gave way tomelded into a burnt, black colored substance.

Smoke arose, as slithering flame threatened to burn the house down.
This sounds a litte odd, maybe you can re-phrase this.

I rapidly threw the burning pan containing the substance into a bucket filled with water. I was tryingF or the fifth time,I had attempted to make a smoke bomb for the next day's game of paintball.I had the next day. By the end of the day, I had found the perfect (ingredients?) ratio (recipe?) for the combination.andI successfully awed my friends with a curtain of smoke.

I have always enjoyed applying scienceto my everyday life.

Undergraduate / @ AUBG, you don't need to choose only one major!; Global perspective (AUBG) [3]

Hi :) I think your essay is good, you have a wonderful attitude, and it is great that you plan to expand your horizons. I think that you have enough quality content, but the grammar needs some work. I can make some suggestions for changes in your wording.

I have always wanted to getbe successful and makedo something great and valuable with my life.

I think today it's really hard to get great results without making something new by getting local success every day and finding something interesting in different cultures.

You could say it like this: "By adapting to new cultures, a person can achieve a greater understanding of society."

My best impressions about another culture are related with my exchange program in the United States of America.
It might sound better like this: "My best experience with another culture was when I participated in the exchange program in the United States of America."

I love to read books about business and stories of people who got rich and then compare their ways and find something common.
You could also say this: "When I read books about business, I am inspired by the stories of entrepreneurs."

Undergraduate / Wellesley College supplement, why Wellesley? - Mona Lisa Smile [5]

Deeply rooted in my memory is a scenery like a splattered palette, on which lush verdant meadows, Hogwarts like red-brick buildings, and the lake that mirrors trees and the sky add up together, creating a radiant community where women strive.

I love your imagery. However, this sounds a little disjointed and is too long of a sentence.

I was so enthralled and stunned to knowlearn that there actually exists such a heavenly college campus actually exists on the other side of the planet.

Although raised up in a male-dominant conservative culture setting, I am ready to prove my worthiness as a women: a future leader, and roam freely both intellectually and physically at this all-women's college, which is the dream that Wellesley promises we women can realize.

This is another sentence that is too long, I can help you, you could say it like this:
"Even though I was raised in a male-dominated culture, I am confident in my female self-worth. At Wellesley, women learn the comprehensive skills that allow them to excel as future leaders."

Undergraduate / Amherst Supplement - Overcoming difficult hardships [5]

Hi :) I have some ideas for ways to change your wording. Also, to answer your question, I think it is good to mention how you were able to become a stronger and more adaptable person, because of your experience.

Another day in Trinidad began, with the usual welcometypical greetings of its people.

But there I was, in the centerthe object of undesirable attention from my schoolmates.

Wherever I went, a one sided barrier always separated me from the others.
Can you find a different phrase than "one sided barrier"?

When I would stay quiet in class to preclude any collision, my classmates came up to me and started humiliating me by using my physical features.

You could say: "I tried to keep to myself, but I was harassed by my classmates who mocked me for my appearance."

My guts signaled me to retaliate with equal treatments, but I knew such response would provoke further, even worse, treatments.
You could also say it like this: "My first instinct was to retaliate, but angrily responding to them would lead to even worse treatment."

Writing Feedback / 'Not being hopeless' - Working in a group or working independently? [3]

Hi :) I can help you with your grammar.

Some people prefere to implement their works,researches and investigations all by themselves; However, some choose groups inorder to accomplish their tasks.As far as I'm concerned,participating in a group has defenitely a lot more benefits than working individually, such as creating and achieving a better result

, having more time for focusing on our work and being motivated spritually.

You could say it like this:
"Some people prefer to work alone when performing research or investigations. Others think it is more productive to work with a group of people to accomplish their tasks. In my opinion, group work has more benefits than working independently. A group can cooperate to create many ideas, which can result in a better solution."

In brief, cooperating will help people avoid usfrombeingfeeling hopeless.It helps us to concentrate on details and gives us a chanceallows people to obtain better results.In my estimationopinion,a group work will ensue in a great accomplishments. I think that everyonecouldbenefit from joining a group, for the improvementevery task and work in their life.of any problem or task.

Undergraduate / I'm just a little on the messy side; Stanford Roommate [4]

I really like this letter. It shows a lot of your personality, and I love the way that you explain your heritage. It is interesting that you don't look like a typical person of Brazilian descent, and I think you did well explaining the reasons for that. I like that you are honest about your cleaning habits, and you sound like a fun. easy-going person. Enjoy yourself at school :)

Undergraduate / One of things in my life that have developed my leadership is soccer. [13]

Humorous, friendly, philosophical, naughty, math and science teacher's favorite, interactive, guitarist, music lover, soccer lover, entertainer, physics lover, persistent while solving math and physics problems, gregarious and kind.

I can try to make this part sound better, and write it in sentences.

"My friends would describe me as a fun and entertaining individual. They always laugh at my jokes, and enjoy listening to me play music on my guitar. I am considered to be gregarious and kind, although at times I am introspective and adventurous. At school, my classmates might say that I am the teacher's favorite student, due to my enthusiasm for math and physics,"

Undergraduate / "The proof of Gold is Fire" - Fire on Ice [3]

Hi :) I really enjoyed reading this essay. It implies so many things, and you use your words to paint a big picture. Yes, I see room for improvement. You have written a wonderful paper so far. Keep working on your description of ice skating- I LOVE the point you make, and it needs much emphasis, that preparation is the key to performing at your best. I like the comparison that you make between skating and other difficult challenges in life. Excellent topic, you will show the admission officials that you are a disciplined and motivated individual. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / One of things in my life that have developed my leadership is soccer. [13]

My leadership qualities are the attribute of my personality that I am most proud of.
Or, you could say this: "The aspect of my personality that I am most proud of is my leadership skills."

There are many things and incidents in my life that have developed the leadership qualities in me. One such thing is soccer. Soccer has been a very important part of my life. I have learned many things from soccer.

Here is another way that you could say this: "Throughout my life, I have experienced many events that developed my quality of leadership. Primarily, soccer, which has been a significant factor in my own personal growth."

There have been many captains of the team to which I belong and each of them had some different quality which made them good leaders and I always try to bring those qualities in me so that I too can become a good leader.

This sentence is very long. It may sound better if it was in 2 sentences. Maybe you could say it like this: "My soccer team has had various captains, each with unique leadership qualities. The team captains have set a good example and have inspired me to improve my leadership skills."