Undergraduate / Me Vs My sister; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual vitality [7]

I think that you need to stay consistent in your past "tense" I can give you some suggestions.

We were getting prepared for the annual Christmas Eve church service, finishing preparing the dishes to be eaten Christmas day.
You may want to say it like this: "While anticipating our annual Christmas Eve church service, we finished preparing food for Christmas day."

Us kids are helping our dad make the family-tradition, generation passed barbecue for dinner and preparing tea rings for breakfast Christmas morning.
You could also say it like this: "My siblings and I were helping Dad with a family tradition, a barbecue dinner. We prepared tea rings for breakfast on Christmas morning."

After church, we would drive through town...

Once we returned home, we would gather around the fire..

Christmas is a very important time of year to me, not only with my beliefs but with my family.
Can you be more specific about your beliefs? do you mean religious beliefs?

Writing Feedback / Time & how it passes by; should we blame distance or time? [4]

My brain was yelling at me, my mind astray. My thoughts hit like torpedoes directed to my heart. My religion was questioning me. Why hadn't I kept in touch? What if they had needed me?

I like what you say here, but the wording could be better, I see room for improvement in this section. I see that you are making a major point, so be as descriptive as you can.

A forgotten past, forgotten memories, forgotten time; we had lost a part of us.
I think that at the end of your paper, you get off-track, and sound quite negative... if you can try to be more positive then it would make your paper sound better, I think that a good, main point for your final paragraph is that basically friends come and go throughout your life, it is not a bad thing and is not usually anyone's fault. I think that as people age and grow, their friends will change too, because a person will usually keep friends that suit them, support them, and share the same interests. Sometimes, people just move away or lose touch and their is no real reason. You don't need to speak of people being fake, selfish or liars- these things do make you sound judgmental. So, in your best interest, I'd put a more positive spin on this story. Good job so far :)

Undergraduate / My Dad had once been in prison; Texas AM / Impact Person [8]

I could not find my family from hundreds of eyes looking at the door I just walked passed.
You could also say it like this: "Hundreds of eyes were staring at the door I walked through, as I scanned the crowd for my family."

"I was in prison for a year, it was economic crime."

I was shocked, my Dad's image collapsed.
You could say this: "I was shocked that my father's perfect image was actually tarnished."

He had failed to the deepest place on Earth that it could take him a lifetime to stand tall and recover, not to mention success in life.

I think that "deepest place on Earth" doesn't sound quite right here... he never really meant any harm or hurt anyone, right?

I was crashedstuck at the check-in counter because I will have to miss the rest of my return flights returning home.that I have been waiting for a year.

You may want to add a little quip at the end, something philosophical, that represents the meaning of your story.

Undergraduate / I wouldn't make my mom cry again / Johns Hopkins SUp/ something you couldn't tell us [4]

When I grabbed a book, I could only read the first page and did something else.
This might sound better: "Every time I tried to read a book, I'd lose interest after the first page, and go do something else."

When I was in fifth grade, I took a math test in myat school.

The test was simply solving 100 problems in one minute.
Or, you could say it like this: "It was a simple test that required us to solve 100 math problems in one minute."

That night, I overheard my mother sobbing as my father trjavascript:paste_strinL(selektion,3,''+'FF0000'+'','', '');anslated the note to her.

I still had trouble, but after series of many practice rounds , I finished in time.

I gained a confidence that I couldin my ability to increase my attention span.

So, I started to time myself for reading and studying, and eventually got rid of the ADHD symptoms.overcame the burden of ADHD.
You need one more sentence at the end of this. Something like, "I was able to build my knowledge by discovering the right method for my unique way of learning."

Undergraduate / Passion for building structures; University of Toronto Engineering App [2]

Hi :) You have written a very nice essay. Your final paragraph is very well done. I think that you can improve upon the beginning of this essay. The minor problem is that your background story is very similar to almost everyone that answers this prompt question. It is a bit cliche to say that from a young age you always built with blocks, etc. So, I would advise you to try and make this essay unique to YOU, in order to catch the attention of the admissions officials. Maybe you could select a little moment in time that is interesting, a problem that you solved, or some little thing that inspired you. Basically, the college is looking to hear that you are a person with a plan, and you need to lay out the basis of your plan. What is it about you that makes you especially made out for this career field? I think you could consider these ideas if you decide to revise your paper.

Undergraduate / Leaving the Tribe; Common App/ Parting between two people [6]

I agree with Didgeridoo. This sounds more like a piece of work that is meant for a creative writing assignment. I can tell that you have a great ability for writing, but unfortunately you are off the mark with this paper. Try to choose two people that have parted ways, and tell a little story about them. As you tell the story, speak of the feelings that they experienced and the emotions that they endured. This must be unique, so you can catch the eyes of admissions. Don't forget to answer the 2nd part of the question-what soothes their agony and pain? Faith in God is ok, but there needs to be more substance to the answer. There must be specific things or methods that helped the two people heal after their loss. If you revise this, feel free to re-post it and there are lots of people here that can help you :)

Graduate / LOR draft from employer for graduate studies in electronics [4]

As the technical lead and owner of XX Pvt Ltd, I have known XX for the past one year as a trainee engineer in our R&D department.

LatelyRecently, his responsibilities have been increased to work on the design team and trainfresh joiners(new hires?) as well.

He is a dynamic, responsible, and committed employee who has made commendable contributions to the success of our company.

He definitely has the potential to cut above the rest and go places in life.
You could say it like this: "He is a cut above the rest, and has great future potential."

For instance, while working on the XX display project, I had shown him the different symbols that were to be displayed but could not explain to him the way he should go about working for themethod to create a solution.

Recently we have given him an additional job duty of training a couple of new joinershires , which he readily accepted and is guiding them well.

Undergraduate / Playing, listening, analyzing, and recording Drexel supplement - music industry major [3]

Hi, I think that your essay sounds great. You write well, and you appear to be an intelligent and mature individual. You explain your history with the field of music, and what fuels your passion for this field. You have also given an explanation of your future goals and plans, which is essential to an essay like this. Honestly, you have done everything right :) Nice job, good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Major in Engineering + mix of Physics, math & dirty hands; UPenn/Engage academically [6]

From your essay I can tell that you have a great interest in the field of engineering, however, the essay is asking how will you engage academically- so, I believe you need to add to this essay- what you intend on studying, what kind of projects would you like to work on, what do you expect to master while you study, would you enjoy working with other students, and how passionate are you about gaining the best scores and finishing your degree, be sure to mention how this degree will help you reach your career goals. I edited the first few sentences for you, you still need to work on your grammar.

Last summer, i went to the workshop where people fix their motor engines for a member of my big family called Nabeh.whoHe is a mechanical engineerand Nabeh was encouraging me to enter the field of engineering . He knew that i was very good in physics and mathematics and he know i am curious and physics filled that butalthough I was interested in physics, he did not want me to be a physicist . Because the lake of jobs in physics field. He told me that a degree in engineering is a flexibleversitilemajor and i can work anything i want whetherwould have many opportunities in the research field, in a company ,or I could even start up my own company .

Undergraduate / Essay on the remarkable Dr. Crenshaw; Common App [3]

Hi :) Your essay sounds great to me, I can make a few suggestions.

At first sight, the Salk Institute for Biological Studies looked like an appropriate compilation of concrete that echoed its dry name.
Not so sure about this opening sentence, only because it seems kind of negative, but it works if you really want to keep it, because you are simply being honest.

My predisposition was so strong that I hardly believed the young, bright-eyed woman at the podium when she introduced herself as Dr. Crenshaw.
This sentence is a little awkward. You could say it like this: "My predisposition vanished as a young, bright-eyed woman stood at the podium; she introduced herself as Dr. Crenshaw."

YetT he stories and lessons she shared to us were too vibrant and passionate to ignore. In fact, it was Dr. Crenshaw's lecture that inspired me to go intopursue some research.

Yet suchThese enlightening conversations were far andfewsparse in our class's humdrum curriculum,and somaking science seem just that: boring.

Her lecture ignited my interest in biology.

... that research was very much the pursuit of curiosity.
and for the purpose of finding a solution to a scientific problem.

Undergraduate / Major in Engineering + mix of Physics, math & dirty hands; UPenn/Engage academically [6]

he took me the workshop and we deal that i will work with him for ten days u till the school start.i went cause i wanted to know more about engineering and do things with my hands .

You could say it like this: "I had ten days before school started, and he took me to the workshop to spend that time working and learning about engineering."

He told someone called Ali to learnteach me whatever i want. Although Ali is uneducated,he knew how everything works and the underlying physical and mathematical concepts.behind it. He told me to chose a machine. I chose a machine by which i can knowthat was hard to know whether the parts were broken. i was so slow In the beginning I was slow, but i got accustomedused to using the machine and i got faster and fastergained speed . i loved the work, and although i was not paid , but i did not care . All what i want is to do something new and exciting . I went everyday for the next 10 days with a big smile on my face and an excited spirit . andA fter this exciting experience, i was sure that engineering would be my major. that aperfect mixture of physics, mathematics , and dirty hands .

Undergraduate / Minority Hill Tribe is One of My Homes/ CALVIN COLLEGE; Christian learning environment [7]

I found a couple of things that you might want to change. I can't really find any errors. Your essay has great content and I like the topic. One thing that concerns me is that this essay does not seem to properly answer the prompt question. I think the college would like to hear how you will use your unique knowledge to contribute to class and campus activities.

While living in China, I had the opportunity to follow my parents on mission trips to villages of the Akha, a hill tribe minority group of Yunnan Province.

It was through such touching experiences that melted and opened my heart to this initially foreign land of strangers.
You could also say it like this: "Touching experiences like this melted my heart and opened my eyes to this initially foreign land of strangers."

Undergraduate / The book, "The Hot Zone"; NYU & COLUMBIA; What intrigues/ significance to you? [10]

I think that you have a great topic for your essay, and you have great reason to write an essay about this book. I think that you get a bit off-track in a few places, because you seem to ramble in a philosophical sort of way. I'd change the extremely serious tone to one of curiosity and desire for knowledge. The purpose of this prompt is to reveal something about your personality and the way you reflect on literature. So, I'd suggest for you to connect the theme of this book to what your goals are, and besides your catharsis, what have you learned from this book that you can apply to real life, how will this book inspire you to lead your life in a new/improved way. Try to connect it to what you intend to study in school/your plan for the future. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / We can never judge the lives of others; Common App [4]

Many people don't take the time to think about the problemsthat others might be facinghiding under the surface.

They only see the wealth, privileges, and social status and tend to believe that everyone else's life is perfect and often reach the conclusion that their own life is worthless and they immerse in self-pity.

This sentence needs some clarity, it is a bit too long... maybe you should shorten this.

They take the easy way out, and instead of dealing with their own problems and achieving the life they wish for, they spend their time envying the people around them.

On the contrary, there are other members of society whom we always underestimate because current situation.
You may want to say it like this: "Some members of society are typically underestimated due to their current situation."

There are so many people who are permanently labeled,and can't break out of it;such as high school drop-outsisare dumb, a homeless person is lazy, and everyone who wasn't fortunate enough to grow up in a traditional household.is judge based on circumstances, which they are not even responsible for many times.

This sentence is also too long. The part I crossed out is repetitive.

Undergraduate / LANGUAGES/ English, Spanish & Chinese; NYU/ What intrigues you? [4]

Your essay sounds really good to me. I can help you with your wording and to not be repetitive.

Although speaking came naturally, I had a harder time learning how towith writing in Spanish. I had to learn to beuse patience because writing in Spanish seemed to be the complete opposite of writing in English.

Today, it amazes me that there are so many living languagesdialects and that each one is unique it its own way.

Even here, in my own country, it delights me to hear such varied methods of conversation.
Here is another way that you could say this: "Even when I listen to Americans, I am delighted to hear the variations in local accents and lingo."

Hearing languages that are so unfamiliar to my own languages, such as Chinese, makes me curious about the history behind them.
Another way that you could say this: "When I hear unfamiliar ways of speaking that are so different from my own, I become curious about their history."

Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Cellular processes ; BU / WHY APPLY/ [4]

Hi, your essay looks really good, I think that you have done a nice job with this. I have a few suggestions on how you may want to change your wording:

I am fascinated by t he way that countless body mechanisms function simultaneously to produce life.fascinates me; I hope to take advantage of Boston University's programs in biology and laboratory research.My plan is to discover a way of manipulating cancer cells so that effective vaccines and remedies can be implemented.

I hope to participate in Maria Panchenko's Cell Biology and Biochemistry project, whichinvestigatesthe wayaffects of protein complexes affecton the regeneration of tissues.is a program I hope to participate in.

While the main focus remains on academics, Boston allows exploration and engagement in student groups.

At a university, amalgamation of ideas and a cultural awareness is of the utmost importance.

Undergraduate / BENNINGTON/supplement/running list/ short answer [5]

1)How did you first hear about Bennington College? Please be specific.
Your answer to this question is good, but if word limit allows, add more to it. why did you decide it was the best (besides financial aid) and what exactly is so attractive about the college (ex. the city it is in, the activities/campus life, degree programs)

2) I think the second one is good. You should probably write one more sentence in that section, maybe say something that the book reveals that is an interesting fact.

3) I would like to take internship in a City Hall which would benefit my future. I want to improve my city and country. I will start from my City Hall. I learned from visiting Cincinnati City Hall; my country's system must be modified.

This might sound better: "I am interested in being an intern at a City Hall. I intend to work there in order to improve the future of my city and country. I can use what I learn from interning to create modifications to my country's political system."

Undergraduate / 'brilliant minds in the country' - Duke Pratt School of Engineering [5]

Hi :) Your essay sounds fantastic! I can suggest some changes in your wording, but it is great even if you don't change anything :)

As a child, my aspirations were never very consistent.
You could also say it like this: "As a child, my aspirations lacked consistency."

Dig a little deeper, and you'll see that they all share the importance of problem solving.
You might want to say it like this: "Under the surface, these aspirations have the common goal of problem solving."
I think that "you'll see" is a bit informal.

This is precisely why I've narrowed my aspirations to studying engineering.
Something like this may sound better: "With an eagerness for problem solving, I have decided to focus on the field of engineering."

One of my favorite aspects is the well roundedness of the University.
Another way that you could say this: "One of the most impressive things about the University is that it is so well-rounded."

The beauty of the gardens, the majestic-like chapel, and serene walkways combined with students all decked out in blue and white spreading school spirit to everyone they meet created a picture-perfect campus.

This sentence is too long.

Writing Feedback / Smoking effects and smoking ban; IELTS [10]

I have some ideas to change you wording, to make it sound better. Good luck in school :)

It is obviously that there is no defense for the harmful effects of smoking on both smoker and those who are around them.
It is obvious that smoking has harmful effects on both the smoker and the people around him.

Many researches have done with the conclusions about the overwhelming adverse impacts to health.
Research has proven that there are any negative effects associated with smoking.

Smoking not only harms the smokers themselves but also those around them who are affecting by so-called passive smoking.
Not only do cigarettes harm smokers, they also cause second-hand smoke, and those around them are inhaling that.

It is not justonly one of the major risks of the heart attacks or strokes; smoking is also the main reason of lung and liver cancer, which are incurable diseases.that people have not yet found out any solution for them. In addition, smoking shortens the life of a human significantly.

Undergraduate / 'Peer Advocate' - (Applying to Emory and UM as a Transfer Student) [5]

I can't begin to describe the feeling I get whenI help a student plan for their future and contribute to their academic success.

Conveying the importance of education and achieving one's maximum potential has become a part of my everyday life.
You could say it like this: "My goal is to convey the importance of education and show others how to achieve their maximum potential."

Each advocate is assigned mentees and it is the advocate's responsibility to assist them in educational planning and be a source of motivation for them.

This is slightly repetitive considering what you say in the beginning of your essay.

I believe that knowing where to find information and receive help is imperative to success in college.
This is stating the obvious, use your limited space to explain exactly what you did in that position.

Being a part of this organization has made this past semester very rewarding and I'm excited to see what next semester has in store for me.

You could also say it like this: "I intend to use the skills that I've learned from this experience to continue helping students in the future (next semester?)"

Writing Feedback / Smoking effects and smoking ban; IELTS [10]

Yes, Jupiter, I meant to write "many"
sorry, it was a typo... I've just ordered a new keyboard, lol

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) underground railway system; London: 775 million people per year [2]

It is clear from the chart that, the oldest three railway stations are the biggest in size of stations and handling the highest travelers per year.

You could also say it like this: "The chart shows that the oldest three railway stations are also the largest, and they have the highest amount or travelers per year."

Although Paris is the second oldest station and is only the two thirds of the route size of London station, it carries 1191 million people more people, 1191 million people per year, than London system.

At the same time, Tokyo isbeing the least among the three oldest stations, in terms of age and size of route, and it serves the highest number of people compared with London and Paris.

In other words, the Tokyo railway system carries 1927 million people per year,where as it iscompared to the 1190 million people per year by Paris system and 775 million people per year by London system.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-There can be many negative effects caused by people resisting to new changes! [5]

In r ecent years, it wouldseems that more people counteractresist changes that they meet in their lives. This is an important issue of today's concern.

From my point of view, people maybe meet adverse side effects if they have this character.
This sounds unclear.. maybe say it like this: "In my opinion, people who resist change will suffer from the effects of their hesitation."

First of all, when people go abroad to study or work, they must adaptto a new culture and interact with local people.

In case they still keep their counteraction, they cannot connected with any other and learn new things from new places.
Maybe you could say it like this: "If they are afraid to try new things, they will never enjoy learning new things from foreign places."

Undergraduate / French and United States History ; Which you have had difficulty/ What factors? [3]

I think that anybody can relate to the frustration that you describe, and you did a very good job with explaining your struggles. From your essay, it is obvious that you are very intelligent, and you are taking advanced courses which are designed to challenge you. It seems that you completely answered the prompt question, and you have no errors or structural problems in your paper. Well done :) One suggestion that I have is to shorten these two sentences, or break them up into a few shorter ones, they are a bit too long:

Now that I am a senior in high school I am currently enrolled in French two Honors, which is an easy class to pass, but actually understanding the material in the textbook and being able to communicate that material is a great academic difficulty I have had this year. To cope with my difficulties in French I have stayed after school and received helped from my teacher, listened to the supplemental cd that comes with our course textbook, and practiced having conversations with my friends.

Undergraduate / Volunteering in a memorial hall; COMMON APP/ Significant Experience [2]

Hi :) Your essay is excellent. I have one little suggestion on this sentence:

I also know I harbor a lot of other chronic flaws that hinder my growth.
I don't think this is a good fit for your 2nd to last sentence. Can you replace this with something more positive? You did a great job solving the dilemma and relieved the strain on the tour situation, for yourself and for the families taking the tour. Maybe you could say that you are now capable of overcoming a personal weakness by using your innate problem-solving skills.

Nice work on your paper. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Harry Potter & Magic Power ; Denison "significant book" Supp [3]

Hi :) Nice job! I have written some suggestions underneath some selections from your essay, just some ideas to fix your wording :)

When I opened the first Harry Potter book reluctantly at the age of 11, I had no idea how everything would be changed in my life.

When I was 11, I was reluctant to begin reading the first Harry Potter novel. I had no idea how much this book would influence my future.

Before that, I read most popular science books. Totally fascinated I immersed into the book unexpectedly.
Earlier in my life, I had mainly read popular science books. As I read Harry Potter, I unexpectedly became immersed in the book.

Not only a book, a vast world opened to me at that moment.
It was not just a book, it was as if another world lay behind those pages.

After reading it, I found that novels are also a kind of interesting books.
This novel inspired me to continue reading similar books.

So I went to the library and picked up another book called Jane Eyre and thus began my reading journey as a literature lover.
I found a copy of Jane Eyre at the library, and continued my reading journey with a great love of literature.

As I was so attracted to the magic world created in the book, I searched more about castles, swords and witch-hunting movement and found surprisingly the relationship to the medieval background.

The magical world that the book revealed sparked my interest in other topics, such as medieval history. I could read forever about castles, swords and the witch-hunting movement.

The finding aroused more curiosity. I discovered that my passion wasinfor history and chose it as my major in 12th Grade. Moreover, remembering the magic power of words, I want to give others the same impact that I was received. I am writing my own fiction now.

Scholarship / I want to make a difference; U Ottawa Scholarship - Why Engineering? [3]

Hi :) Your essay is nice, but it is a little plain. I am afraid that it may end up blending in with the many many other essays for this scholarship. Try to make your intro more about you and less about explaining the concept of engineering. The best thing that you can do is explain that you have a huge interest in the field, say if you have any experience in this subject, and explain what you intend to pursue regarding your career. Be sure to show them that you have a plan.. short term and long term, state your goals. Explain how your college education will help you advance toward your lifetime goals. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Furthering studies beyond Associate's Degree; PS - Nursing Transfer & Objectives [2]

The dreary hospital walls, the pungent smell of hospital food, theand lingering diseases from hall to hall are not the ideal workplaceworking environment for most.

As I entered community college, I was unclear of what my career path was intended to be.
Or you could say "I was interested in many subjects, making it hard to determine a single career path."

I began volunteering at the local hospital in order to gain first hand experience in the medical world.first hand.

I have been able to come into contact with a variety of patients...

During m y last two years of high school, I attended a public school for the first time, and I was entirely dissatisfied by the instruction that I received did not meet my educational standards.

I want to be able to make a difference in someone's life and care for them during their time inof need.

Undergraduate / Smoking benefits only the companies who sell cigarettes [2]

A cigarette is a cylinder shaped paper that is filled with tobacco leaves for people to smoke. Companies make these cigarettes for their own business and for getting peoples' money. Cigarettes should be illegal because they cause heart problems, addiction, and affects non-smokers.

Nice intro. You should add to it the fact that cigarettes are highly addictive. (intro should usually mention the key points that you intend on writing the paper about)

Cigarettes are really dangerous and can easily cause health problems.
I changed "heart" problems to "health" problems because you are introducing the entire paragraph with this sentence, which should summarize the points you will make)

One of the greatest disadvantages of cigarettesdisadvantages is its their addictive qualities .

Nicotine is aaddictive substance that makes the smokers beaddictedandso that they can't stop smoking.

Smoking addiction means continuous smoking and it will be hard for them to stop.
This is just repeating the previous sentence, I would omit this.

Undergraduate / Math&Finance programs/Asian Bilingual Debate; U Michigan-Unique qualities/ Community [2]

I have breezed the fresh air and climbed the skyscrapers in the most developed cities like Shanghai, Toronto, and Singapore.
I think this is a bit contradictory, because busy cities are not usually associated with fresh air.. maybe you could change the wording of this sentence.

Like many developing regions in the world, China is facing an immediateurgent social problem, where the benefits of a rocketing economydevelopment is notoriously skewed to the richest class.

Witnessing the great giant schism between the different social classes has greatly stricken my heart and made me ponder over this question...

Mathematics holds the key to answering many questions about the world around us (maybe say it is the key to many solutions)

How to use the magical power of mathematics to help eliminate the national inequality is what I am eager to learn by pursuing an undergraduate degree at University of Michigan.

You could say it like this: "My goal is to pursue mathematics as an undergraduate at U Michigan because I am eager to use math to solve the problem of national inequality."

Essays / Help on HSB4M-A ILC Unit 1 Lesson 2 [3]

I think you are on the right track.
reasons that there are differences of opinion in these excerpts about the terrorist attacks
I will assume that the articles included these reasons: probably because people come from different backgrounds, and use different beliefs to explain why such a terrible disaster could happen. Some people may blame god, some may blame terrorists, some may blame the world economy, some may blame the american government. So, I suppose that if you select a study group, you could poll them, find out their reasons, then examine their basis for their viewpoints. Maybe you could compare them by age group: meaning younger people may skew towards believing that the government set up the attacks, while older people see it as an act of terrorism, as it has been reported. You could compare their religious beliefs, a Muslim my see it very differently than a catholic. Maybe you could compare them by profession, socioeconomic status, ethnic background... There are a lot of aspects that you could compare. Good luck, and if you have anything more written, you can post it here, there are many of us that are happy to help :)

Undergraduate / "But why not?"; Lafayette supplement - Why not?MOMENT [3]

I think the topic would sound more interesting if you introduced the purpose of the test you were taking in the beginning. Say something about your desire to fly and that you had to try and see if it was a possibility for you, why not? It is better to know than to always wonder, what if? I have some suggestions to improve your grammar and wording.

Was I going to leave with a medical certificate or not, I wasn't sure.
Maybe say it like this: "I wasn't sure whether I'd leave with a medical certificate or not."

He gave me the five pagelong registration form and...

I knew that my eyesightvision was the deciding factor infor obtaining the certificate.and I thought I was as readyprepared for failure as I was for passing the test.

Quite expectedly,A few minutes later, I was told squarely that I would never be ablequalified to pilot even an ultralight aircraft, let alone a commercial jumbo jet.

Undergraduate / Peace lover / changing perceptions- About myself, perspective & what I hope to learn [4]

The "Ya" represents my socially awkward side, which a lot of timesis evident in how I respond instumble through some conversations.

Zhre-Ya-Dove is clumsy, shy and reserved like most teenagers.
I don't like the idea that most teenagers fit into these descriptions.

I am resolute on what I consider is right, what is not and what I have yet to decide upon.
This actually kind of vague, try to sound more confident.

I eat meat without hesitation for I know feeding for survival is a natural instinct.
This sounds weird.. Maybe you could say something about how you have a passion for cooking, or that you really enjoy Indian food...for example

However, I trail off into my chain of thought when a mosquito buzzes around me trying to contemplate whether it is correct to kill a mosquito as the mosquito is only following its natural instinct of feeding while I am only trying to defend myself.

Maybe you could shorten this sentence: "Even when a mosquito buzzes around me, I ponder the validity of squashing it, because the mosquito is only trying to eat."

Undergraduate / Smith College - A theme song that describes you best; "What's This!" [4]

I really like this essay. I have a few suggestions for word changes.

I enjoy being confused, amazed, or dumbfounded , which meansgives me more chances to learn and experience something new. I keep asking "what's this", then "why" and "what if."I yearn to explore the unknown like there's no tomorrow, for the more I know, the more I don't know. That's why Danny Elfman's "What's this" vividly portrays my life! AndE very time I look at this interesting world with curious infant' eyes,and ask, I always find the world to be a fine place andthat is worth fighting for.

confused/dumbfounded are synonyms- maybe you should choose a different word in order to be more descriptive

consider replacing your final words "fighting for" with "exploring"

Essays / Early Childcare / Childhood Education Essays - which points to mention? [5]

counter arguments on how can early childhood education programs help promote development in children with learning disabilities

these programs may cause confusion for the child
the child may feel overwhelmed
the child may feel self-conscious or have low self-esteem because they feel criticized
the child may not have the desire to cooperate
the educator may intimidate the child and make him clam up
the child may not understand why he is being singled-out as "different"

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Shopping as a hobby. Why? Good or Bad! [4]

Shopping is inevitable for everyone.
You could also say this: "Shopping is a chore that every person must do."

Yet, it has dramatically changed itsThe recent dynamics more recentlyof shopping have changed, as numbers of people prefer to spend their free time in shopping malls.

It is agreed that shopping asis a fun activity but is also an unhealthy trend that is seriously affecting our society.

Take an example of dress shows excessively highlighted by TV channels. People watching these programs tend to copy these designs and wander around shops for countless hours. Similarly, lavish life styles shown in dramas affect many young-ones and they try to follow the same by any means. Also, stardom plays a key role enticing people to live a life-style like their heroes.

I think that using the media as an negative influence on society is a great idea. I think that you can improve upon your explanation of this situation. When people see advertisements, it makes them feel like they need that item, to keep up with fashion standards, or to keep buying new clothes when the ones they already have is fine... this leads to wastefulness. People do like to look at fashion magazines that make products like clothing makeup perfume look glamorous, when these item are completely unnecessary. By purchasing these items, some people may later feel guilty for wasting their money, or may end up with credit cards they cannot pay.

Undergraduate / Large household and homeschooling - Who and what was Infulential? [5]

Hi I can give some suggestions for your paper.
I think if you can use more space for this- go for it. I think the college would be interested to hear about your unique situation.

I think you should work on your grammar and wording in this essay here. The first sentence is a little disjointed. Be sure to mention that the varied occupants were family members. Homeschooling should be more emphasized than criticizing the school system- emphasize the family-oriented environment, and your ability to perform independent learning. You can mention that you were so focused in getting the best grades, so you would not do clubs because you needed to study more. keep it positive, you don't need to all yourself shy. Instead, explain that you have been involved in your studies.

Undergraduate / EXPAND MY KNOWLEDGE; CUNY LAGCC -Your reasons for transferring and the obj. [2]

MyThe main reason forthat I am transferring is in order to expand my knowledge in a rich environment.

By transferring from CUNY LaGuardia Community College to a 4 year school, I will get a chancehave opportunities to meet new people from all parts of the country,and thiswhich plays a huge role in networking.

My current experience at CUNY LAGCC was not horrible. My experience was actually a warm and informative experience.

I received a taste of how college functions and also what it feels like to sit in a college course.
This may sound better: "I had the ability to enjoy studying in a college learning environment."

I picture CUNY LAGCC as a stepping stoneforto a brighter future not only for myself but alsoand my family.

Essays / Help writing an argument thesis statement / essay on reality tv! [7]

thesis on reality T.V.shows

Although Reality TV shows are incredibly popular, viewers can be negatively impacted and deceived by these types of programs.

Supporting reasons:
Reality programs have little educational content, which causes the viewer to waste time that could be used for learning, or being active.
Reality programs about criminals or drug addicts may even give young people ideas on ways to rebel.
Talent competition shows make it seem like anybody can become a glamorous celebrity.
These types of shows are often heavily contrived, meaning that most of the show is planned ahead of the filming, making it "fake" reality.

Reality shows may enforce negative stereotypes (for ex. Jersey shore for Italians)

Essays / Superman: Hero, Inspiration, Tyrant, popular epigraph [6]

Hell, while watching television, I would jump channels just to admire the commercials.
Elaborate, perhaps? I also like "skip" channels, or "flip through the stations" If possible, it would be nice to say that the jingles were catchy, the colors were exciting, the ads for toys were enticing, etc.

Eight years ago, when I was young and[and I'd like to say] naĂŻve, I was in love with Superman. If asked why now, I would state the following reasons:

If asked why now... Or you could say: "Now, If somebody asked me why I idolized superman, I would say:"

The said people, along with ardent fans and popular culture, followed.
"The said people" sounds odd, re-phrase that part.

Seeing the popular culture, I was influenced to join the bandwagon and annually fashioned a red cape and blue tights to "trick-or-treat".
As popular culture would have it, I joined the bandwagon of people who annually fashioned a red cape and blue tights to "trick-or-treat".

"strong-invincible-courageous-humble-practically-everything".
I like it better like this: "strong, invincible, courageous, humble, practically everything." Can you think of another phrase for "practically everything"?