Writing Feedback / 'Computer in the future has no limits' - What will Happen in the Future [2]

Amid all of the technological development that we are witnessing today, what can we expect to happen in the future?

I saw a wonderful video on YouTube in our class "UNIV 112", that explained a new invention for a American students . The invention is a small device that attaches around the neck in a series and has online wireless with mobile. Provided with this device is provide with a small camera and a small project. The profitbenefits of this device isare that the deviceit can capture the image of anything.front of you andIt will immediately relay to the Internet and lookingsearch for information on what has been capturedthe picture, then provide to youit immediately and displays the result byon a small projector front of you. SomethingIt is wonderful and amazing; we are now in 2011 and have reached to all of this development and has become an almost daily occurance , so imagine what could happen after 100 years.

I edited the first paragraph for you, to make it easier to read. Try to be less "wordy" when you write, keep it simple and you will be fine! Continue to check your grammar. :)

Scholarship / Who in your experience at Cooper High has been your biggest influence and why? [3]

As a student at Randall Cooper High school, I have grown from a freshman to a graduating senior.
Its a good start, but it is stating the obvious. If you have anything else that you need to add, you could remove this sentence to make space for more content.

During these four wonderful years I have learned how to be successful in my academics.
Excellent- this is a good point

You are very passionate about the subject of your paper- Mrs. Mosley- she sounds awesome. But you say her name so many times, 8 times I counted, which is 16 words- if you want, you could say "She" instead. Your paper needs a tiny example of how she directly helped you, you speak of her in broad terms, but it could make the paper more interesting if you add in some detail. Alltogether, you have a wonderful essay, and I wish you the best of luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / educate wrongdoers or sending them to jail [2]

Hi :) I can make some suggestions:

In developing countries, like China, most criminals are limited in a small room or forced to do physical jobs.
I don't think that "limited" is the right word, I am not sure what you mean when you state this- I assume you mean the live in a limited space- a cell.

There is a growing concern that imprisonment isa less effective forman ineffective system of punishment; therefore, some experts maintain the belief that we should educate wrongdoers instead of sending them to jail.

NowadaysCurrently , governments, especially in developed countries, try to offer criminals an opportunity to accept an education.
Because of receiving education in a proper learning environment, offenders have a lower chance of reinforcing each other's criminal behaviors in group situations.
Excellent point! Good critical thinking.

For wrongdoers, they can acquire some useful practical life skills in jail.
"useful practical" sounds odd, choose one word or the other.

You have done a great job with this essay. I cannot find many errors, so I hope these suggestions help! Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / 'no one should ever turn a blind eye to obvious signs of abuse' - Domestic Violence [2]

Wow, your essay is exemplary. I read it, and I cannot find any errors or changes to suggest- it is done perfectly. It is obvious that you have done your research, and have thought critically about the topic. You state the facts without getting too personal, and intelligently write about many good points to support your thesis. Again, great job! Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / Religious extremism and militancy - essay outline and response [2]

Hi :) I can make some suggestions on improving your grammar:

Our green plant is green no more green , it is red now.
Red, the color of blood. Blood of uncountable innocent human beings. Human beings , the only ruling species of green planet. ThisSome people in this ruling class believe they are sent by God on the earth forto make it a peaceful holy land. Unfortunately, some of ill minded members of this speciepeople have started brutally slaughtering other fellow beingshumans for their selfish purposes. In order to hide their selfish black goals, they have been using religion as a white sheet to cover this darknesssince long timefor years. This religious sheet is often called religious extremism, because of strange and different interpretations of religion by these sick minded people.called religious extremists. These religious extremist groups have roots in all three major divine religions. They used deprived people as a tool to fulfil their interests, as the deprivation of any right,motivates people to do anything to get their rights back. The suppressed people blindly follow the orders of religious extremists. These ordersdemandsmay bespread horror by kidnapping,and hijacking,or may beand spreading terror by killing innocent humans. Any war, killing, horror, and terror can never be wonovercome, unless religious extremism fixed upis diminished and deprivation of people is addressed at the right time.

I edited the first paragraph for you. Continue to work on your grammar. Great topic, and you have many good points! I wish you the best of luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / 'Parents and Teachers play a vital role' - YOUNG HABITS DIE HARD [4]

The practices one doeshabits formed in his early life time are hard to abandon. DuringAt a young age, children are unaware about the outcomes of these habits. Later on, they becometheir part of their personality and are difficult to withdrawcorrect .

The age of adolescenceperiod is the most sensitive age durationperiod to endure .
For example, usually a young person adopts the habit of smoking from his peer group. He do this practicesmokes in order to show people that either he is a strong man or has become mature. He isBeing unaware of the fact that smoking is injurious to a person's health. In later ageAs he ages , this addiction can adversely cause lung cancer and other lung related complication. The brazen activity of show offcarelessnessduringat an early age results in severe health conditionsin later age.later in life .

When anti-social activities like stealing, lying, misbehaving with elders and being stubborn, etc ,acquired in childhood then it engraved in ones personality that much that it becomes difficult to withdraw in manhood.

This sentence is long and confusing. Make at least two sentences out of this long one, to make it easier to read.

Writing Feedback / 'clean, beautiful, safe Shopping Center' - GRE-Argument [3]

Hi :) Interesting topic, I like how you wrote your introduction, it clearly states the meaning of your paper. I can make some suggestions:

For example, have the store owners assessed the costumers' opinion through simple questionnaires to determine what may have influenced the shoppers' decision about Central Plaza?Re-word this sentence, it is a bit confusing.

Unless fully representative, valid, and reliable facts are used to effectively back the author's argument.
You need a subject in this sentence, otherwise it is incomplete.

While these senseless acts hurt communities in general and affects directly affect business operations, a concrete connection between the amount of litter and vandalism and the skateboard users is not effectively made.

Building upon the implication that costumers do not come to the Central Plaza due to the amount of skateboarders, the author suggests that a prohibition of skateboarding will result in increased business levels.

This sentence is kind of long and "wordy"

If problems like littering, vandalism, among others are caused by people who practice skateboarding, this may be true. I would say, "This may be true if problems like littering and vandalism are caused by people who practice skateboarding,

Graduate / 'change management' - Essay about the Influences that have shaped you [3]

Hi :) I can help you with a few corrections and suggestions:

My father always tells me that:"When seeing a difficulty or challenge which comesarises from your friends or a stranger, you should thinkdetermine how to cope or deal with it." Therefore, I have developed the ability to analyze and judgeability for any new thingsituation.and like to think differently from other people at the same thing. Until now, itmy father's wisdom still has much influence on my life.

After I graduated (from the?) university, I found a job as an investment operation specialist in Nan Shan Life Insurance Company.

I discovered that almost 80% of the workload did not require decision making or complex judgments, it was merely downloading reports, reformatting them, and submitting them to supervisors.

At the same time, I also reached out to all other stakeholders, including my colleagues and supervisors, to make them aware of my plan and how it would affect their workflow, and persuade them of its advantages.

I think this sentence would sound better if it was re-worded into two shorter, simpler sentences.

I discovered that speaking to colleagues one on one helped them understand that this idea had originated with someone who was in the same position as themselves, someone who understood their boredom and frustration with the overtime resulting from an unnecessarily time consuming task.

Another sentence that is too long, re-state these ideas in a simpler way.

You have done a great job by showing yourself to be an innovative thinker. Besides the minor grammatical issues, the paper is easy to read and flows nicely. I would, however, re-connect the conclusion with the intro, where you explain your father's words. The original question asks you to speak of what has influenced you, so your conclusion should reflect on that thought. Nice job!

Research Papers / Argumentive research paper on global warming (what direction to take?) [3]

I wonder exactly what it is that you are expected to make an argument about? Are you supposed to choose an issue? Because the way you wrote this, it makes it sound like you must say why global warming is good or bad. I can't be sure exactly what the question is, but I have some ideas. Imagine that you will argue this: Experts believe that the use of alternative fuel will decrease the amount of global warming. Three pros: 1) Alternative fuel (such as ethane made from corn) is less expensive. 2) Using alternative fuel is more efficient and 3) The production, transportation, and sales of these fuels will stimulate the economy. Cons) The United States, for example, is in somewhat of a "contract" with Middle Eastern Countries and rely on the export of fossil fuels to keep good relations with those cultures. 2) In order to influence global warming, the earth as a whole would need to be "on board" with the idea of converting to alternative fuels-- this seems far from possible. I hope these ideas help you, when you have anything else written, or have any questions, please post a new thread.. there are many of us here that are happy to help :)

Writing Feedback / 'seat belt laws' - GED Practice Essays [6]

Some people believe it is harmful for both parents of a preschool child to work outside the home, others do not feel this way.
State your point of view in an essay. Give specific examples to support your view. Use your personal observations,experience,and knowledge.
It is a known fact that a preschool aged child needs a great amount of parental guidance. Some people believe that it is detrimental to have both parents working outside of the home, because they are not readily available for their children. Others feel that a child can benefit from this situation, for a number of reasons.

I believe that...
Because...
My own experience...
Conclusion...

How does the climate in your region effect you and the other people who live there?
Write an essay explaining both the advantages and disadvantages of living in your climate. Use your personal observations,experience,and knowledge to support your view.

Imagine that you live in the Northeast of America- where they experience all four seasons. Advantages: the change of season gives people a variety of outdoor activities, depending on the season. Disadvantages: the climate causes extreme temperatures, and extreme cold leads to wear and tear on cars and worsens driving conditions (the paved roads get full of potholes) and annoying snow removal. Extreme heat leads to massive energy consumption due to high air conditioning usage.

Scholarship / Starting a Diagnostic Medical Songraphy essay [2]

Be sure to use your 250 word wisely- be sure that it is solid and has lots of quality content. You could start with a sentence that refers to you and your personalty, or mention that the field you intend to study is of importance. Elaborate on what interests and inspires you to desire that line of work. State clearly your short term goals (what you expect to gain from education) and long-tern goals, then explain how college will be the stepping stone you need to achieve your goals. Conclude with a solid sentence that "wraps things up" Good luck to you!

Writing Feedback / 'seat belt laws' - GED Practice Essays [6]

Hi :) I would consolidate your essay into 2 paragraphs, 3 if you add more content. You have some great thoughts on the topic, and you are on the right track. I can make a few suggestions for you:

I wonder if forcing people by law to wear seat belts will cause people to trust them more.
You need a question mark at the end, and "trust them more" sounds a bit vague, maybe say "...will make people feel safer while they drive?"

"Despite laws that require people to wear seat belts, many people still do not wear them".
You should add in the author's name of this quote, or lead in to the saying: "It is known that despite laws..."

I was so surprised that the seat belt did not protect me from injurymy body .

People saySeat belts protect people from being ejected from the vehicle, but from my experience, they do not protect people from other major injuries.

What if you are in an accident, in which and your vehicle bursts into flames?

Would you wantto bethe ability to easily escape or be potentially trappedin by your seat belt?
Good job, you answered the question well, and I hope my suggestions have helped you :)

Writing Feedback / 'a person should have several careers' - career essay [3]

Hi :) I can help you with editing your grammar.

S ome people believe that one should build his or her career based on one profession. Otherspeople say that a person should have more than one profession (many jobs?) and relyfocus on earning money rather than studying first. I ndeed, having several jobs could be very convenient for some people, but at the same time it could be useless for others.

Good intro, don't forget to capitalize the first letter in the sentence.

...to begin with, secondly, to sum up... These phrases are unnecessary.

to begin withM any people now build their career according to one profession career , because it is supposed to be traditionally correctthe best way to improve your status and make more money.

Inthe other words, a person chooses a particular professioncareer path and enters the universityseeks education according to the job respectively.
Good job! You have so many great ideas, very interesting! Continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / Being gay and overcoming myself. [2]

People in the town are well-politically oriented...
Not sure what you mean by this.. can you be more clear?

I had abig nature ofstrong curiosity about the world, science, and human rights.
...as well as a strong dignity as Korean.
This phrase sounds odd, esp at the end of the sentence. Create another sentence with this notion. You mean that you had pride in your home country.

My love for the human right began when I developed my interest in history from my grandparents' era. Korea had a quite amazing transformation in social and economic power but poorly managed in human right campaign.

This sentence needs to be re- worded and it is also way too long, kinda confusing. Also, say "human rights" not, " the human right "

By learning what isthe fairness and basic rights everyone has , my passion grew over time, as did a number of campaigns for minorities who are suffering from the lack of interests ordiscrimination.rules from the history .

Writing Feedback / 'Akron Catholic Church Closings' - essay 1 - describing a local issue [2]

Great introduction!

For those who share in some denominationparticipate in religious activities and believe in some higher being, imagine that the sanctuary you worship at has disappeared.gone .

There was nothing anyone could do about it but wait to hear the damage to be made.
This sentence sounds confusing, re-word it to make it more clear.

Cleveland Catholic Diocese was making changes by closing and merging multiple, family, catholic churches in the Akron and Cleveland areas.
Its sounds weird when you say "multiple, family, catholic churches"

This was affecting the parishioners by taking away their religious home away from home of decades and generations. Parishioners wereattended Sacred Heart of Jesus Catholic Church for more than 50 years with their children and grandchildren.

The church closings werea result of thedue to a shortage of clergy men, as well as a shortage of financial means.lack of funding.

Undergraduate / Why I'm going to choose Ballet CBTS programme [3]

Is this for an essay that you need to write on a college application?

You need a brief introduction, for example, tell a little story in a a few sentences about your ballet experience or passions. Lead in to the middle of the paper, which is what you have written here:

I will choosethe CBTS programis because I have loved to dance sincewhen I was child. I hope can get more to expand my knowledge and improve on my skills through this program.to upgrade myself. In the future, I am willing to learn more about teaching, and let moreguide children to be enthusiastic about Ballet. I often will help the Johor Lions Club to do some charity shows . My hobbies are dancing,teaching,swimming and listening to classical music.

Create a conclusion for this by explaining your short term and long term goals. The college needs to see that you are a person with a plan, that the college is the "right fit" for you, and that the program will lead to a better career.

Book Reports / Writing a paper on two short stories (Greasy Lake / Where are you going where you..) [3]

Coming of age signifies a growth in a person'sselfidentity.It is the time when he or she will experience a pivotal moment that will shape their character and showlead to a realization of what they really are. The two stories that illustrate both concepts are Greasy Lake by T. Coraghessan and Where Are You Going Where Have You Been by Joyce Carol Oates. Greasy lake represents three young men on road to maturity, and along the way they make a number of mistakes and must suffer the consequences. On the other hand, the author Joyce Carol Oates demonstrates a young woman who is also on the road to maturity but focuses on self-discovery . Her character represents a clueless, innocent girl who lives in the present, but has no sense of future consequences, which entails (deepens?) the storyline. In both stories, foreshadowing and characterization were among the elements of fiction used by both authors to show that theirall actions will catch up to them throughresult in consequences. In all thingsConsidering these aspects , we can begin to depic t a connection develops between these two short stories; that in coming of age whenand discovering self-identify, one must go through a revelatory experience or obstacles that shape there future behavior.

Undergraduate / Mechanical engineering / high school accident) - Virginia Tech statements [3]

You should avoid using the phrases "first of all, secondly", etc. because it distracts from the true meaning of the paper. Zoom in on the reasons you are applying to the school and state them clearly. Create a flow between words and sentences, and let your personality show through! I would elaborate on your career goals a little, and try to be unique. You have some grammar issues:

Virginia Tech has a renownedgreat Mechanical Engineering program,andpeople know that engineering school in Virginia Tech is famous in the world so thatand the skills taught there willit can help me achieve my career goals.

When I visited Virginia Tech in last winter, I was attracted byto the appearance of the school. Buildings related to engineering schools were technically developedmodern, and looked beautiful.

Essays / I have to write essay about Amarican Football and Soccer / QB vs NFL (comparison essay) [4]

Hi :) I would do some research on the history of these sports, and introduce this near the beginning of your paper. Discuss their rise in popularity, and the essential differences between the two sports. You could give some examples of the fan culture, and how these sports influence society. Maybe tell a little story of how a person would experience watching a game/match. You could talk about the manufacturing of merchandise and advertising according to these sports. Maybe explain the influence of sports on young people, and how star athletes are expected to be role models for children. It is obvious that America puts much more emphasis on football than soccer, so explain why this may be the case. Also, state the similarities between the two sports-- one is that these sports unite people in cheering for their desired team to win the game. I wish you luck with your paper, and when you have an essay started or that needs review, please post it in a new thread.. we are happy to help :)

Undergraduate / 'headscarf stolen' - Common App activites short answer [3]

Wow, this is great! You have written an interesting little story that gives the reader a glimpse into your life. You have shown that you are mature and good with people, a trendsetter. Do you have a word-limit on this essay? I feel that it needs more detail, especially at the end. I would like to see another sentence about the club, if you are allowed more word space. Otherwise, this is written nicely, I cannot find any errors, and I think you have done a great job with this paper. Good luck in school! :)

Undergraduate / (incurable hereditary diseases) - reason to major in medicine [2]

I have always been interested in majoringstudying medicine. Since I was a little girl, I already have themy dream was to be a doctor. In fact, becoming a doctor is the first jobcareer goal that ever crossed in my mind when it come to what I pondered what I wanted to pursue. Hence, I have been worked into the dream.<----- (This sentence doesn't make sense) I tell myself that I will work hard to become one no matter what challenges I must face . Consequently, I have grown up to be a girl who is very determined at everything I engaged in. (you should not end your sentence with the word "in")

To me, a doctor's job is a very noble workprofession . It is not only about curing others, it is also involvesin giving otherspatientsthe confidence in their treatment andtheir recovery. I have always enjoyedin lending other people a hand. Seeing smiles on their facesfills thesends light into my heart.

My father had suffered from Muscular Dystrophy, which is a terrible and incurable hereditary disease,whichand had taken his life. This has also driven me to become a doctor.

Strengthen your conclusion, elaborate on how your father's illness inspired you to become a doctor. Nice work :) Good luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'I found lack of academic challenges' - Transfer Essay [6]

You have done a great job with this essay. Nice layout, near-perfect grammar, plenty of content, a good attitude towards life :) You explain why you are transferring without saying anything negative about your current school. You have many good reasons to transfer and it is obvious that you have a plan for life. You explained why you are interested in that career path, and have shown yourself to be a hard worker. You sound mature and intelligent, I think any school would be happy to have you as a student :)

Undergraduate / Explanation for a low grade - Transfer Essay [5]

Hi :) You have done a fine job explaining your "C". I think that is is easy to feel for you and your family and that your reasons are rational. You are obviously a very determined person and are willing to admit that you are not perfect either. There are a few things you can improve upon:

Paragraph structure: It would look better if you consolidated into about 3 paragraphs.

That caused a sudden unusual financial pressure on our family here in the US. We went from a two-income household to a single income family and the effects were immediate. That was how I ended up working 2 jobs and 42 hours a week while trying to keep up with 16 credit hours of course load for most of the Fall Semester of 2011.

You could elaborate on this a bit... stretch it out into more content to make it easier to read.

Although it led to a poor grade, I believe that this experience made me a better student and a better person.
I'd like to hear a bit more about how you felt when you received the "C" and how that feeling led you to realize these things- more details.

These are really minor things that I have suggested, but ideas in case you want to make some changes, Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / 'What is abortion?' or "Don't get me started on.." essay [4]

What is abortion? Everyone has different opinion. Doctors would say, "Abortion is the artificial ending of the life a foetus in the womb." Religious women would say, "Abortion is a killing an innocent baby. It's a murder." Some teenagers might say, "Abortion is just a few cells removed from women's body." A little child would say "It's just taking away a baby from its mother." All of these phrases are true.

What you are saying here should be re-worded. It sounds too generalized to say ALL doctors, ALL teenagers, etc (it comes off that way to me) Maybe change the way you are saying these phrases, because of course, these are several examples of the opinions people have.

I think the main problem is that people care more about money, material things than lives. If people won't change what they beliefs, no law will help.

Generalizing again, and I am not sure if it sounds right to say money is the main reason that women have abortions.

My sister was pregnant by the age 17. My sister never had second thoughts about an abortion but without my family everyone had. Doctors were offering an abortion because she was too young for that big responsibility, she didn't had high education. Friends were treating her like she was retarded because she is keeping a child. Teachers were looking at her disappointment look. That nine months she was outsider, having few friends out of hundred. While all school were talking how she will destroy life, she bore a beautiful baby boy. That day came to her life an angel, which show her the wright way how to live. Now my nephew is 2 years old. My sister is finishing her college and raising her child. Boy is surrounded by love and happiness in family. Who said she would destroy her life?

It is good that you explain how abortion has affected you and your family because this fuels the emotions you have. The way you explain your personal situation is good. However, the rest of the paper is quite emotionally charged, I would suggest to make it less emotionally charged, because it sounds too extreme. If you change the wording a bit, you will sound more educated and mature, and less like a protester.

Scholarship / Commonwealth Scholarship-Msc Pollution and environmental Control [3]

The sight was of the towering heap of waste smouldering away into the evening, and thereleasing a heavy stench from decaying refuse. I felt angryasI and my elder brother and I walked pass the local dump on our way home.We often passed it after we leftfrom church, where we hadafter the children's day rehearsals.angered me . I never really understood why the 'iron boxes' which I now know to be incinerators were never used. Even at the young age of eight, I had beenwas an advocate for proper waste disposal, because I hated the smoke as it worriedbothered my eyes. What intriguedMy young mind pondered:then was where did they move the waste to these wastes were moved to.after it was dumped?

You should strengthen your conclusion, and consolidate your paragraphs to make them easier to read and appear better on paper. Nice work, and a great topic, very interesting!

Undergraduate / Explanation for a low grade - Transfer Essay [5]

I think that final sentence should be "worked in" to the essay (I assume there is no other place on the application for this info) In the concluding paragraph, you could add in a sentence relating your renewed educational discipline to your goals in life. Mention that you have the talent of speaking another language and you feel confident about successfully completing the proficiency test. That should work, so that the sentence doesn't stand out, but you are still keeping it obvious to the reader. Emphasis on life goals is always a good thing :) I like how you re-structured the paragraphs, it is more appealing to my eyes. Nice work.

Writing Feedback / Advertising encourages us to buy things we don't really need, should be regulated? [2]

Hi :) I can make some suggestions to help you improve your paper. You have some excellent ideas and you have thought about the subject well.

The purpose is to essentially choose what your argument is to be in regards to the question. Therefore, your paper should be based on your opinion. The only real glimpse of your own thought is when you state "As for me, I think that advertising makes our life better rather than not. However, it must be regulated by 100 percents government laws." I would mention which side you are on close to the beginning of the essay.

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things we don't really need.
Try not to repeat the exact words in the original question, instead build upon what reasons you gave to support your argument.

There are some sentences that need grammar editing:

1) In other words, advertising inspires people that possessions of some things made them happy and successful.

2) Succumbed to these influences, people just have a kind of sickness because they can't stop. Everyone start buying more and more, but their needs grow too and it is never enough.

3) Advertising brings us some information and it is not always useless torrent of information. There things which can improve human's life, and after all we always can choose and decide by ourselves.

4) However, it must be regulated by 100 percents government laws.

Undergraduate / School Leaving Certificate / studies at COA [2]

Hi :)
I can make a few suggestions:

Now that I think back, I showcased my ability to perform academically good with onlyduring classroom activities and lectures. However, I believe that I did not perform not even close to my utmost ability.

When you say " I did not perform not even close to my utmost ability." it makes me sense negativity, Can you turn this into a more positive statement? Explain more clearly how the extracurricular activities detracted from your studies, and mention that you learned a lesson-- the lesson being that you must prioritize education and time management. Be sure to sound enthusiastic about your many activities, because that was the reason you took on so many things- you obviously have a great passion for life.

The r ealization that I come from the third poorest country in the world has never been enough for mehas (add in an emotion here- how does it make you feel to be from this culture?). In my own odd ways, I have always tried to bring about small changes in this place, but my impact has only lied inaffected the small corners of themy city I live in. My dream is to alleviate the energy crisis. Being from Nepal made me follow the path to COA, which has strong promising systems (programs?)tothatinduce leadership and intellectuality in each student.This allowsenabling them to take up challenges and never back down, become a global citizen, gain practical knowledge, and excel in any field.

Can you be more specific about the "changes and impact" you have had on your community- even something small... like complementing a stranger, or picking up litter, or donating to the salvation army

Undergraduate / 'My life in a nut shell' - UT transfer Statment and purpose essay [2]

Hi :) You have done a very nice job with this essay. The introduction is a little cliche, but it shows your passion for the school and it's atmosphere. You get right to the point-- good, it is super important to lay out your career goals (both long term and short term) You may want to add in a sentence about the insurance job- how the job itself would affect you as a person. Then, continue with the notion of giving back to your community (also a great thing to mention). Re-read this out loud, and correct your minor grammatical issues (you are missing a few commas, and some phrases could be re-worded). You have a solid essay overall. I think any school would be happy to have you as a student. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / 'What is abortion?' or "Don't get me started on.." essay [4]

No problem, I have a few more ideas for you :)

My family and me are Christians; I was raised to think it is cruel. The Christians Church teaches: life is a sacred from God; just God can give and take a life. We believe that an embryo is an individual, no matter how small. My Mother never had an abortion and she believes that abortion is a murder.

I actually think that these thoughts should be closer to the beginning of your essay, because it is one of the main reasons for your opinion, the "root" of your belief, the way you were raised.

In my opinion you cannot think when or why to kill a child. Which mother could kill a child if she lost her job or divorced? It would be a murder, but by the law it is not a murder to kill a tiny cute baby.

This is extreme. You are trying to say in your opinion, to consider an embryo as if it was a "thing" that can be kept or discarded is unacceptable. No mother would toss aside her child for reasons like divorce or job loss. Unfortunately, the government allows this practice to continue even though so many people are opposed to allowing abortions.

I don't want abortion to would be forbidden. It wouldn't be fair for a woman who has health risk. But other ways people are using it for economics and social reasons. To make it stop firstly doctors shouldn't blame young pregnant girls; they still can have a perfect life. There are loads of examples. Sometimes try to get in the young girls shoes. Couples who don't want to have children should use protection but not murdering. We are living 21st century!

You could say it like this:
I don't want abortion to be forbidden. It wouldn't be fair to a woman who has a health risk. But I do not agree with the other ways people justify what appears to be murder. In order to change the situation, doctors shouldn't blame young pregnant girls; they still can have a perfect life. Imagine being in the young girl's shoes. She should not have the right to end the life in her womb, because adoption is always an option for an unwanted child. Couples who don't want to have children need to use protection, instead of ending the unborn baby's life before it begins.

Undergraduate / 'advantages and benefits of being an electrical engineer' how to impact the community [2]

Hi :) I can make a few suggestions. Your paper is great, and it is interesting. I would focus on improving your grammar.

As a child , one of my greatest urgedesires was to help make this world a better place. Over the years, this has been my motivation to further my educationof wanting toand go to school. and further my education.

When I was in middle school, I always thought I was going toimagined myself working asbe an environmentalist.
But as the years passed by, and I went toI changed my career interests duringin high school.

I realized that my interest was not in the environment, but more intoactually in electronics. I then decided to take thedirect my career path oftoward becoming an electrical engineer.

I am currently working on abachelor's degree in electrical engineering, with the intention of obtaining a PhD in this field. also.

In doing this, some of the youth might be interests in becoming electrical engineers in the future and might also help in the inventions of better and more reliable electronics for the community.

This sentence is long and confusing, You are saying the right things, but it should be re-worded.

I hope this helps a bit, good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / 'Better a job with more vacation time but a low salary' - essay [3]

Hello :) Nice job with your essay! I can help with your introduction:

Admittedly, a low salary job with more vacation time but a low salarycannot satisfy our desire to thefor luxury, and it may make us less competitive and more sluggish. However, more vacation time can make it possible for us to enhance theour relationship with family and friends, and improve the work efficiency and keephealth .

I would try to strengthen your intro with a statement about the natural desire for a large salary, but the need for time off is just as important-- therefore a person must choose which they value more. Then continue with these notions above. These sentences should be simplified, because they sound "wordy."

Continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school :)

Research Papers / (Ice storm / Canada health terms) - Research question and statement of purpose. [2]

Here is my best idea for the first section, I hope this helps! It sounds like a challenging topic.

a. Last winter a severe ice storm damaged well over 50 percent of the pear trees lining the main street in the small town of Somerset. The local university's experts believe that well over 70 percent of the damaged trees will die in the next two years and that this variety is not the best one for providing shade (one of the major goals behind planting them eight years ago).

Research Question: What is the best solution for the predicted demise of pear trees, and what type of trees are ideal for providing shade and also resist extreme weather?

Statement of Purpose: The damaged trees must be removed and replaced with a different type of tree- ideally, an indigenous, weather-resistant, shade-giving fruit tree. Precautions should be taken when planting and fertilizing the trees, and there are several treatments for weather protection for these trees.

Research Papers / (the history of a technology or aspect of engineering) - ideas for my research essay [3]

Hello :) Wow, this is such a broad subject range to write about... there are so many topics out there in regards to technology and engineering. I would find a topic that really interests you (so you will at least enjoy reading the info about it, and can write about the topic enthusiastically) Also, a topic that is interesting to the reader. A few things that would interest me (that also have lots of history)-- anything to do with aerospace or astronomy, environmental studies or meteorology, automobiles and transportation, textiles and that industry has much history, agriculture (bio engineering), medical technology, even computers! There are so many things, so I would try to be unique (maybe find out what the other students are working on, so you can have an original topic) Let your personality show through your words, connect the information briefly to your own modern life experiences- if you have space to do so. Good luck, and if you need a review of your paper (even if its partial or a rough draft) post it in a new thread. There are many of us here and we are happy to help :)

Scholarship / Study abroad SAS - Merit Scholarship, Community Service/ Most Meaningful Achievement [2]

Hi :)

One thing I noticed: You begin some paragraphs with phrases like "Assuredly" and "Pursing this further" and "To recapitulate"

You don't need these to introduce the paragraph, I would suggest omitting these.

I'd like to help with your introduction: these are some changes to it, just suggestions on a different way to write it.

I have always been fascinated with animal life. As a child, I grew up in an Asian household of nine, located on a small animal farm. I encountered creatures, great and small, and I learned to be cautious because most of them were dangerous. At a young age, I was trained in first aid, which was necessary to treat my siblings if they were ever injured. I had many ongoing responsibilities that were assigned to me by my parents. For example, I would carefully restore my sibling's fractured bones or cuts when my parents were not home.

I think it is a little easier to read like this. Continue to work on your grammar. Nice job with your paper :)

Writing Feedback / 'types of goals we set in life' - CLEP College Comp Essay [2]

Hi :) Your paper looks good to me. I have a few suggestions:

Though both could be equally difficult, the goals and challenges we set for ourselves typically end up being harder than anything that someone else could dream up.

This sentence sounds a little "wordy". You could simplify, and don't end the sentence with the word "up"

Throughout history and daily life it is easy to see how the challenges and goals we set for ourselves far outweigh any that even a parent could ever dream of us accomplishing.

This is repetitive of the previous two sentences. It seems that you are saying the same thing over and over. I would say these things in one sentence and continue your intro with a couple different notions.

Few people believed that she could actually be successful sneaking slaves through the deep south and into the safety of the north.
Good example! I would re-word the "Few people believed" part-- but looking back, it is incredible.

Another example of how we as individuals can challenege ourselves comes in the area of school.
You could say: "Another example of how we as individuals can challenege ourselves is through learning and education."

The will and desire to succeed and conquer the tough battles is something that is inside of a person; noone can give them that fight and determination.

This paragraph,and this particular sentence-- they sound very generalized, if you could be less vague it would make the paper more interesting.

Research Papers / Health promotion models in nursing - need an opening line [3]

Hi :) It sounds challenging to come up with the intro to your paper... I wonder-- you say that you know what you want to discuss, but it would be great if you could post your ideas so far. Without knowing your topic, i can generalize. For example if the health promotion is an anti-smoking campaign, you could start out with a statement like this:

Efforts to decrease smoking in America have shown to be effective in many ways. The anti-smoking campaign has been an ongoing system that aims to improve the health of individuals. Overall, the program has been successful in spreading awareness of the risks associated with smoking and second-hand smoke. In primary care, nurses encounter the unfortunate health problems that are linked to smoking. Nurses are a key part of the anti-smoking program, because they deal with people on an individual basis, and they can directly influence a person's health.

I hope this helps! If you have anything else, post it in a new thread because we are happy to help with your paper :) Good luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'work harder and become better' - Statement of purpose for UK university / IT [2]

Hi :) I have a couple of suggestions

When I was 12, I had no idea what I wanted to do in my future so I took as many after school classes as I could to try and find out what were the things I really liked whether it would be music, arts or even sports, but, somehow, the only thing that gave me pleasure were the IT classes.

This sentence is really long. Break it up into a few shorter sentences, it will sound better that way :)

I got my first home computer at the age of 13 and I learned as much about it as I could, broke it and fixed it over and over again, tried every option, every program almost everything there was to try. Then I realized that no matter whether I was working with text processing, playing games or doing elementary programming, sitting in front of the computer was what made me the happiest.

This sounds like rambling, clean it up a little, try to make it sound a bit more professional. You broke your computer and kept fixing it... I see people write this a lot for computer degree apps. So unfortunately, it sounds a little generic. Maybe try to mention a little story or detail that is specific to you, that shows your personality, and that will really stand out to the reader.

Undergraduate / 'a university highly respected worldwide' - College application [5]

Hi :) I can make a few suggestions:

Your paper sounds good, you have written all of the right things. I feel that the essay does not quite show the reader much of your personality, because it is written in a very plain, simple, and straightforward manner (like you are playing it safe by writing this way). So, in order to not sound generic or boring, I would try to add in a few more details about yourself, your life plan, and tie in the ways that the university will help you with your life plan. Include a brief description of your short-term goals. The part where you mention your interest in a Business major is almost hidden, I would emphasize your goal of achieving a career in business. You could shorten the part about the diverse community, it is good to mention this, but is there another, more important, reason that you chose this school? Your paper is fine the way it is, I am only suggesting these changes with this in mind: the college admissions staff are looking for things that "stand out" and mostly they are looking for details about you, your story, your plan- long and short-term goals, and how the college will serve as a stepping stone toward your life plan. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / "If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great". - Determined Brazilian [5]

"If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."
I would replace "hard" with "difficult" and "difficulty"

This is one of the quotes I live by, making me not aim not only for the good, but for the great. I believe that every person is created equal, and we all gothave the same 24 hours in a day, but what distinguishes us is the determination and the will power that we set for ourselves.

I can proudly say that I'm an 18 year old Brazilian 18 years old guy, who loves to take challenges and hates to be just like everybody else.Therefore, I will not write about who I am, but what I've done to become who I am today.

Living almost my entire life with just my father, I was earlyalwaysencouraged and inspiredinfluenced to play soccer and be a business man.

After my sophomore year at High School, with the ambition of finishing High School early , I went back to Brazil to do in 6 months what I was supposed to do in 2 years.

Therefore,Last year, for 6 months, I hussled to pass at the top best Private High School in the state of Sao Paulo . I was successful, although the time constraints slightly lowered my average.