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Posts by ChihiroLavi
Joined: Nov 8, 2011
Last Post: Dec 31, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 52  

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ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not going to keep playing violin anymore' - U-Penn [10]

I agree with the guy above that you need to make the start shorter, and I found it not quite conceivable when you said you wanted to gave up playing violin to rock climbing and what your teacher said. Also,maybe you could write more how UPenn will help you achieve your dreams or goals,like the last paragraph. I think that's far more important thing they would like to know.

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.

WOuld u plz look at mine?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Architecture builds a community' - Why I'm interested in this major essay [6]

it's really creative and could make you stand out.However, I agree with guys above that you need to make your point more clear. Maybe add a few sentences at the beginning and a conclusion at the end would make much better.

Would u plz look at mine?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Happy college' + 'Stealing' + 'Cape Verde' + 'Harry P' + 'Try it' -Brown supplement [2]

I think they are all so great!!!

If I'm a nitpicker I would say that maybe you should say things a little bit more related to "you", like experience or something, instead of something like traslating their motto into your own language.But it's still great if you don't make any change.

Would you please look at mine?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'this madness our world is displaying' - Common App Main Essay [2]

I think it's great overall and the only change you maybe could make is that talking more about the importance to you.I think you use too many words on describing how serious the problem is and it feels a little like a textbook...

Only my suggestion,hope it could help.

Would you please look at my essay?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "True learning" - Why UPenn essay [6]

I think the first one is great!Especially the part of your imagination,it's amazing!

About the second one, I think you may need some balance, make your problem shorter and add more things about how things make you change and how do you change,otehrwise I don't feel you answer the prompt properly.

Over all it's great!

Would you please look at my essays?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "Stabilization" - Stanford supplement---what matters to you [4]

Do I need to rewrite this? I felt good when I finished it but now I'm not so sure. Plz be harsh!

Possibility.

I know it is hard to believe that a Chinese should enjoy possibility, especially someone from undeveloped western part, where destinies of most people are already settled since they were born. However, I do.

Most people here are "supposed" to live their life. They go to schools which are the nearest to their homes, do jobs which are the same as their parents', marry people they have known since their childhood, and live the same life ever since. "Stabilization" is what all people seek after.

I was one of them but things began to change when I read a book in which one character could forecast his future. "No, it's not the life that I want." I said to myself, "I want possibility."

What I want is my curiosity for tomorrow in which limitless fresh things are waiting for me to explore and unknown future is driving me to study and work.

I picture myself to be enthusiastic in every day of my university life and to be ready to learn new ideas from the best peers and professors all around the world.

I imagine myself working on an innovative business project. Though it is bold, I would like to make an attempt because I believe that success always starts with risks.

I envision myself travelling around Europe, taking free rides from countries to countries, meeting and saying goodbye to new friends, and enjoying different cultures every day.

Although I may experience much unstable time with ups and downs, I still appreciate all these experiences whether they are sweet or bitter because they help me to grow, show me the wider world as well as the color of my life.

Although the road I choose may lead to nowhere and my energy will be a waste, I'll never regret because I've tried my best to build my dreams, and I'll always enjoy the scenery along my way whether I could arrive at the peak or not.

Although one day when I wake up I may realize that I am in an unfamiliar country with few people I know, I would love to learn about them and try everything new.

I cherish possibility because it inspires me to learn, to think, to feel, and to grow.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "True learning" - Why UPenn essay [6]

It's well-written and my only suggestion is that don't use the words of Franklin.there are soooooooooo many people using them and it would makes you generic.

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford supplement -- bungee jumping [6]

Hey This is "what matters to you"right? I'm also applying for Stanford so the last sentence give me some hints.But my suggestion is that you should mention things about what matters to you much earlier, actually,I understand what's your answer when I finish your essay,I guess it would be better if you let us to know what's your point earlier.

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'infatuated with life' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality [5]

I'm sorry that it might sound harsh but I have to say that as soon as i saw AP biology, i feel this would be boring.I heard that you'd better not write things about exams.Just my suggestion.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

I think it's well written but even there is no word limit, you should delete something 'cauz I really think the AO won't be that patient to finish reading your essay. It's good but I think you lack passion or something creative, like so many others you tell an experience in a so generic way. Do you think generic thing could get the attention of AO?

Also I couldn't feel so much feeling inside, "show', not "tell", I think you could make it more attractive to read. To be honest, I find it boring...
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Julius Caesar is one of the most powerful pieces of literature; Amherst College Sup [3]

Hi I'm also working on this Amherst essay.

I personally think that you don't need the paragraph of the comparison of literature and theater if you feel it not what you really want to talk about.I mean, that paragraph is a little bit unexpected because it seems not so related to other parts and I feel you write it just because the prompt mention that.But I guess the main point is on literature instead of the comparison, so whether mention that part seems okay....

Just my suggestion and I hope it could help.

Would you please look at my Brown Supp?THX a lot~b
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my capacity for being a kind person' - Brown: the most insight into you [4]

Hi I'm also a Chinese and I could totally understand what you're talking about, I feel exactly the same way.

However, I agree with guys above me that you should maybe change a topic because this is too cynical.Although it shows who you're but it's not the way the admission

office would like. They like people who involve in community,right? b
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The desire to be free' - German needs help with MIT essay [16]

I agree with guys above that you should delete "first" and "second", maybe you could try some natural connection.

Other part I think is great!Although the Admission 2012 gives you a review, maybe by some professional guys, I personally think your context is good. I mean, what's the most important is "you" rather than "fake thinking" right? If you do not really feel something toooo deep, I think it's still okay because I could see "you" through this essay, not just trying to satisfy anybody.

Just my suggestion, hope it could help.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I came to this world without anything' - Brown Supplement Essay [4]

I agree with domi that maybe you should write more specific things, show an alive "you" to the admission officers. I mean, what you write sounds not personal right? Anyone can write this, we can't see you in this.

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.

Would you please look at my common essay?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Time is what matters' - What matters to you - stanford supp [4]

Good job.

I think you could put

Time is what matters to me the most.

at the first of your essay. But it's okay if you don't move because I could understand you're talking about time by reading your first sentence.

Besides,I think you should talk more things than tests because I heard that AOs are tired of things like SAT, maybe you could talk about your activities other than just studying, it would make you too "school."

Just my suggestion, hope it could help.

Would you please look at my essays?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I love sports' - Boston few things you should like to share about yourself? [2]

my schools

my school's

I think it's great and tell a lot about you,my only suggestion is that maybe you could make it more fun.I'm also working on an essay like this and most people who have attractive work are very fun.So maybe you could make some change to your language.

Just my suggestion, hope it could help.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'future is the main issue' - stanford ... what matters to u & y ? [19]

I agree with guys above that maybe you shouldn't mention that you want to be rich...It's not what they want for all right? Maybe write something about how you're innovative or bold because I heard that Stanford like these.

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Tufts Suplemental Questions. My defination [8]

on floor- my hands starts

"ON THE FLOOR" and "start".

I think this is also brilliant! I love the way how you narrate it, creative and impressing. You're a really good writer!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / The ugly princess. Common App Essay [10]

I think it's brilliant!!!I just have little corrections of your use of words but it's already amazing!

piece

This should be "pieces",right?

result

And this should be "the result".

Friends

"Friends'"

abyss

"an abyss"

thin air

The thin air
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'only who I am' - common app essay "WHO I AM" [23]

I like Yale either...and really really like....But I heard that Yale never admitted Chinese students with SAT under 2250 and although my ec are not bad but not as good as something that could let AO forget my scores, so I give up....Anyway,Good Luck to you!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'only who I am' - common app essay "WHO I AM" [23]

thx~~~

I guess then you could choose some schools that don't value SAT that much, or even LACs that not necessarily require SAT like Bates. I mean, SAT is really a small part of application, right? Be confident! I knew a girl who made into Wellesley College and CalTec with 2180, much lower than average...Just believe in yourself!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'college is not another dull place' - U of C Short Essay [6]

I think the idea is great! It makes you special to U of C. I guess, maybe delete something like the faculty thing because everybody knew how their faculty are brilliant and those AOs must be tired of listening this.Then you could add your new idea in. Anyway,it depends on you, choose the part your passion really is.

BTW,I really like how your essay started and ended.IT'S MORE THAN BRILLIANT!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'college is not another dull place' - U of C Short Essay [6]

I think it's great but maybe you could describe more personal things.I feel it a little generic. I mean, the education and clubs are also offered by other schools,why have to be this one?Give us more specific information to show us U of C is "the one".

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.

WOuld you please help me with my essays?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I loved my church' - Common App MAIN [9]

It's pretty good,I can't find anything wrong or awkward. If you really want some changes,I suggest you could balance how you feel before and how things change after because I feel the former one is a little too much. Anyway, I think it's good and with nothing change is still good.

Would you please look at my essays? THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / (Buddhist stories) Stanford Supp Essay---intellectual development"ancient arts" [6]

I took more than one day to think about what to write and this is what I got.This is my first draft. I'm not so sure whether I really answer the prompt. Can this experience and feeling called intellectual development? THX a lot!

Prompt: Stanford students reflect an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. 2000 characters

Along my way to Dunhuang were hundreds of miles of Gobi, a special name of cold desert in West China, which were covered by rocks rather than sands. Mogao Caves, containing some of the finest Buddhists art works throughout thousands of years, spans here along the ancient Silk Road. The caves seemed more mysterious and isolate when the sunset had already tinted the sky with yellowish brown

I've traveled to other famous ancient sites before, my experiences disappointed me: Tourist guides always pointed at some landscapes while telling some stories that are not necessarily true. For me, ancient arts mean beauty and long history, but bare deep meaning.

However, what I saw here shocked me. I felt myself falling in a dream which lasted for over a thousand years. In the dream, the cold color sculptures of Northern Wei demonstrated a fierce war; the large complete and detailed narrative" Pure Land" on the extensive murals on the caves showed brilliant scenes of Mahayana Buddhism, which reached its peak during Tang dynasty, also the apogee of Dunhuang arts; as we came to Yuan dynasty, the style of Buddhas became less lively as if they are telling the decadency.

No, the Mogao Caves is not died beauty; it is alive, for thousands of years. It was born with this culture, grew up during the tumult of wars, gained the most beauty as the best era came and aged with the time. Its life is built by countless artists, draftsman and workers, by their magnificent imaginations, sophisticated while skillful crafts, and persistence as well as determination under this harsh environment.

For me, it became more than about Buddhist stories, painting techniques, cultures or history; it is the soul inside of these ancient arts, the soul of generations of people who had lived on the same land as I do, the soul of the beauty detached from mortal life, the soul which has the supreme power to purify the world, to help the future generations feel their ancestors, to explore the deepest humanities.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'only who I am' - common app essay "WHO I AM" [23]

thx~I think it depends on which schools you're applying, some schools like Stanford and Brown emphasize on "fit" rather than "scores", but schools like Amherst just looooove high scoresg.

BTW,which essay above you prefer?Which one I should use?
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "Dedication to an interest"-common app for CORNELL [3]

Well written.

I think you may want to make the conversation shorter to satisfy the words limit.It seems not as important as other things.

Would you please look at my essays?THX~
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'only who I am' - common app essay "WHO I AM" [23]

THX all comments and suggestions! But I still couldn't make up my mind which essay I should use for common. ANY MORE suggestions?

BTW,my SAT is 2200.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'only who I am' - common app essay "WHO I AM" [23]

THIS IS THE FIRST DRAFT OF MY ANOTHER ESSAY FOR COMMON, WHICH ONE IS BETTER?
THX A LOT!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.(500 words limited)

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
"You can't change the world because you are nothing but ordinary." Every time I looked into the mirror of my sixteen, these words hit me, like light reflected from the mirror, inevitable and invisible but still wounding. When I talked about my dreams, becoming influential and changing the world, people always sniffed and sneered. My dreams, like seeds planted in my deep heart, tried to grow without sunlight, but they couldn't. The way to the future became tougher as more taunts and pressures punched me. I started to consider words of others and be hesitant about my dreams. However, I could hear a voice inside of me, screaming that I should at least make an attempt. I felt like I was lost in a dark world, complicated as a labyrinth. I don't know what to do or where I'm heading for. The only thing I could do is to break the world, which was built around me.

A door opened to me when I joined a long-distance hiking camp. People around believed that with my physical ability, I couldn't finish this miserable long hiking. However, I just wanted to run away from my world.

When I made every step during the hiking, which became harder as time flew by, the feeling of lost attacked me again, nibbling my determination. However, I insisted till the end because I reminded a story my mother told me, that a spider could still make webs on the wall though it couldn't fly because of its diligence and persistence.

When we achieved at our terminal point, a mountain spring, a friend asked me, "Why you come to this hiking?"
"Maybe to escape." I whispered, telling her my confusions about my dreams.
"I cannot believe there is a spring in such a deep mountain area. " She said, looking at the spring, "Did you get over it?"

I said with no hesitation. "All of us didn't believe I can fulfill this hiking. However, finally I made it because I woke up my potential. Whether I could successfully do something depends on whether I can believe in myself, make choices and always hold on rather than how many people believe I can. Just like this spring, no matter how many people believe it could exist here, it still breaks out from the arid soil."

I know I find my way and later in my life, I always remember that I'm the spring. I always believe in myself, no matter how others consider my dreams impossible; I never give up though I grow up in an ordinary place. I always keep holding on, because I know that miracles could happen only if I try,

The seeds of dreams eventually grow up on my way of pursuing tomorrow. I won't go sleep because I have miles to go, have dreams that I need to keep holding on.

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