Undergraduate / 'electromagnetism and electronics' - Pratt Engineering [3]

Hey I really like the first 2 para, but I think that you should be more specific in the "Why Duke" part. Maybe you can cut some parts out from the why you love engineering part so that you can focus a bit more on Duke. Like Zhoe said, it does seem a bit generic at times. Rmb to state some specific program or courses that appeal to you! Other than that, it's a good essay. Thanks for your help with mine those were really useful suggestions!

Undergraduate / Eugene Lang "Design a class and how it will impact the world" [4]

Hey I really like the conclusion! It's really strong. I agree with PO - you should get rid of some extra points. Other than tt, I really do think that it's a good essay! Thanks for your help on mine!

Undergraduate / 'Dancing in my room' Mount Holyoke - What activities make you lose track of time? [15]

Ok thanks you guys! Shall help you all look over through your essays!

Undergraduate / "Incipit Vita Nova" - WHY SCRIPPS? [2]

Hey I think that it is actually pretty good. You made the essay sound quite personal. I can't seem to find any grammatical errors so gd job! The only thing I can suggest is maybe mention a specific program or club you want to join to make it slightly more specific. Other than that, great job! Thanks for reading my essay!

Undergraduate / 'getting a distinction in both courses' - Meliora [6]

Hey I think that it's great! It shows how hardworking and disciplined you are! The grammar seems fine, I think that you can turn it in already. Good Luck!

Please help with my Mount Holyoke supplement! Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'Dancing in my room' Mount Holyoke - What activities make you lose track of time? [15]

Hey can someone pls help me look thru my essay? I promise to return the favor! Thanks!!

Undergraduate / 'Dancing in my room' Mount Holyoke - What activities make you lose track of time? [15]

Hey Kathy and Juwon thanks a lot for your suggestions! Will take what you say into consideration. =)

Anyway, I've rewrote my essay (again lol). Didn't feel satisfied with the first version. Pls help me see if it ans the prompt and if there is any redundant info in my essay. Thanks so much! Be as harsh as you want.

I absolutely cannot live without my laptop. Alright, I admit that I am being overly dramatic (forgive this habit of mine). However, the many weekends that I have spent surfing the Internet has made me treasure my computer. I love researching on random information. Once I start, I often find it difficult to stop. I have tabs opened on Greek mythology, criminology, Spanish phrases for beginners... I even picked up many Korean phrases while watching a show on "YouTube". The sheer amount of information on the Internet is astounding, and I often get too caught up trying to absorb the knowledge.

My laptop also allows me to watch soccer games and vicariously enjoy the sport. I love soccer but I would probably be arrested if I try to kick the ball - my embarrassing hand-eye coordination will lead to someone getting hurt. I love watching soccer due to the beautiful teamwork that I get to witness. Soccer can never be a one man show; everyone has to work as a unit. Furthermore, whenever I see injured players getting back on their feet, I am reminded to never remain defeated. I am always so absorbed in the games that I fail to spot my mischievous brother creeping up on me. The result of his prank is usually not a pretty sight.

The activities that make me lose track of time may seem ordinary. You might even be thinking that I should spend my time more wisely. However, I learn a lot from them. The Internet increases my general knowledge while soccer teaches me determination and teamwork. These activities never fail to transport me on timeless journeys that I treasure deeply.

Undergraduate / 'the Kimmel center' - WHY NYU? Supplement [8]

Hey Michael I think you talked a bit too much about NYC instead of NYU. I've noticed that most ppl applying to NYU have a tendency to do that. while the city life is a part of NYU, it is not everything there is to NYU. Since you said you want to be a doctor, expand on how being in the city will increase your opportunities etc. Maybe even highlight a club you might join, or a study abroad program that interests you. That will make it unique to NYU alone. Good Luck!

Pls help with my Mount Holyoke Supp. Thanks! =)

Undergraduate / 'Dancing in my room' Mount Holyoke - What activities make you lose track of time? [15]

Mount Holyoke - What activities make you lose track of time (rewrite). Urgent!

Hey guys my first attempt was a complete failure as it was all over the place. I rewrote my essay. Pls help me check for grammatical errors and the overall flow of the essay. Any feedback is greatly welcomed! If you want help with your essays feel free to ask me. Thanks!! =)

They appear small and lifeless. Yet, they are the only things that make me lose track of time. The culprits are none other than the Book and the Soccer Ball.

Reading has always provided me with an outlet for adventure. As I grew out of Roald Dahl books, I started to peruse through novels like 1984 and A Thousand Splendid Suns. Unlike the books from my childhood, these novels did not transport me to a magical world. Instead, I was brought into someplace more valuable - the infinite universe of knowledge. Once I entered the labyrinth of ideas and theories, it is difficult to pull me out. The words demand for my attention; they force me to reflect about the world; they form an exciting adventure of knowledge that I get lost in.

Of course, the Soccer Ball is equally important to me. I do not play soccer as my embarrassing hand-eye coordination will lead to someone getting hurt. Instead, I spend hours watching soccer games. The amazing teamwork that I witness never fails to intrigue me. Whenever I see my favorite player, Lionel Messi, getting up after being injured, a sense of warmness radiates through me - it teaches me to never remain defeated. The diligence and determination the players exude always remind me of the values I should uphold. Soccer games are also an opportunity to spend time with my family - Watching the soccer World Cup together has become a family tradition. Yes, the Book and the Soccer Ball may seem small and lifeless. But in actual fact, they are bursting in knowledge and life lessons that never fail to bring me on a captivating timeless journey.

Undergraduate / Commonapp- Picking My Eyebrows [16]

Omg this is the most amusing essay I have read! I think it's really interesting and it makes me laugh! I can see how you value each individual and diversity. You remind me of my friend who constantly touches her hair whenever she's thinking lol. She says it makes her think better haha.

Undergraduate / 'a costume to wear for one year of my life' - Common App [11]

Hey there! I'll be applying to Brandeis as well! =) This is an interesting essay, I never thought about being a Jedi lol. But I can't seem to really make out your character from the costume you want to wear - maybe you should try to draw the links btwn your personality and the costume more explicitly? Also, isn't the whole point of wearing a costume for a whole year is to be able to lead a different life?

Undergraduate / UVA supp "Discuss your favorite place to get lost" [4]

hey Jonathan, contrary to what Strawberry78 said, I don't actually think that you must write about how this contributes to you as a person and how it affects your future. I think adcom wants to see an interesting and more personal side of you instead of the usual essays on personal development and growth.

I really liked your essay it has a very authentic feel! but like what Danielle said, try to write about a pleasant dream! Great job overall. Good luck with apps! =)

Undergraduate / cut out about 30 words for my college app; 'I wasn't elected to do nothing' [4]

Hey there this is a powerful essay. However, you might want to reconsider writing about this topic. It's very sensitive and borders on some religious beliefs. Some people just do not consider abortion as murder.

Undergraduate / 'the concentration and focus on the major' - hope and learn from the Penn Community [2]

Hey I think that overall it's a good essay. You bring up specific points to link to your goals so it's quite personal. But i think that you can do away with the last sentence...don't think adcoms like you telling them you're a good match.

Undergraduate / 'Dancing in my room' Mount Holyoke - What activities make you lose track of time? [15]

Hey Chazz thanks for your input! I was just thinking about writing it in a diff way since almost everyone is gonna list down what they like to do. If it's too confusing then I'll change it.

Undergraduate / 'Dancing in my room' Mount Holyoke - What activities make you lose track of time? [15]

ok thanks guys shall work on it!

Undergraduate / 'Water Polo' - Extracurricular Activity [19]

Hi Zhoe! I think that you should cut down your first para and elaborate on your 2nd para. Your 2nd para is the one which shows how water polo really impacted you so focus on that more. Show how the camp changed you. Other than that, I think the essay is not bad! Thanks for your suggestions with mine you've really been a great help!

Undergraduate / Lafayette College - Cur Non moment [12]

Haha yeah! I know someone there and he says it's really great. Singapore was a colony too so we use British English as well. The problem is most of us use a mix of British and American English now, so I have to keep checking to make sure my spelling is consistent!

Undergraduate / 'It all started in my Physics class' - Common Application [10]

Hi, I agree with Kevin. The essay does not show how the experience really changed you. I think you should focus on making it more personal as opposed to just narrating the experience. show the transition between who you were before the incident and who you are now. Really emphasize on your emotions how you thought you grew. Maybe you should pick another topic to talk about instead? Sorry if I sound harsh. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Lafayette College - Cur Non moment [12]

You're international too? =) Are you from England? Saw your other thread where you mentioned something about using British eng I think lol. Laf is my 1st choice too! The school seems so amazing. Hopefully both of us will be accepted! Good luck too!

Undergraduate / Lafayette College - Cur Non moment [12]

Haha I checked with the adcoms. They said that it's preferably by 15 Dec but they'll accept it till Jan 15. You scared me for a moment Zhoe! If it's Jan 1st I'm doomed as my teacher hasn't finished her recommendation yet. Thanks to Zhoe and phhai! I'll work on my essay a bit more. You guys have been helpful! =)

Undergraduate / 'the field of biomedical engineering' - UPenn Supplement [8]

Hey! I really like your essay. I think that it's interesting. However, the transition from the 1st to 2nd para is a bit incoherent. I don't really get the jump from multi-tasking to biomed. Also, I think that you should show the adcoms what got you interested in biomed to make it more personal. And add in some clubs you would like to join so that adcoms can see what you're interested in beyond the classroom.

I really like your conclusion though! It has a strong personal voice and it's humorous at the same time.

Thanks for you help with my essay! =)

Undergraduate / Lafayette College - Cur Non moment [12]

Hey thanks for your help it was really helpful! Lol my education system focuses on passive sentence structures but I see your point. I'll look over your essays asap!

Undergraduate / 'religion and history' Lafayette - Why are you interested in Lafayette College? [9]

Haha Zhoe I know what you mean! I wonder why they give us such a restriction! Most schools allow like 200 words lol. Thanks for your feedback! Yeah I was looking over that part too. Shall just delete the 2nd research and go on to talk abt grad school.

Undergraduate / 'religion and history' Lafayette - Why are you interested in Lafayette College? [9]

Hey guys this is my revised edition. Pls help me look through it. 500 character limit is killing me lol. Thanks so much!

Lafayette will satisfy my love for history and religion. It will be a dream to interact with Professor Robert Cohn, whose research focus on the Holocaust and Judaism coincide with my interests. Lafayette's emphasis on research will also give me a chance to pursue research, preparing me for my goal of graduate school. Furthermore, the internship and study abroad options for history majors are enticing. The family at Lafayette will truly provide a home where I can both grow and make an impact on.

Undergraduate / Shape me by shaping others- Brown RD Essay supplements [3]

Hey I just wanted to comment on your first ans. I think you should not talk about Brown(sorry if it sounds harsh!). Adcom probably know that most ppl who apply to the Ivies really want to go there. You should mention something that reflects on your personality or passion. Maybe inject some humor too. That will give adcoms a better idea of who you are. I like your ans to the 2nd question though! Good luck with your essays!

Undergraduate / 'religion and history' Lafayette - Why are you interested in Lafayette College? [9]

Alright thanks! I think I will do that it sounds so much better lol. I shall post the revised version here soon.

Undergraduate / 'religion and history' Lafayette - Why are you interested in Lafayette College? [9]

Hey Sagar thanks! Your suggestion is helpful! I'm having trouble putting down everything I want to say since it is only 500 characters, which means my essay can't even be more than 100 words. But thanks and I'll work on it!

Undergraduate / 'Mistake' - Common app international student [4]

Hey! I think that your essay is ok except for the grammatical errors that Dii had already pointed out.

However, I urge you to reconsider this sentence"I lost trust in God. Some pretty girls live happily, with no torment and financial difficulty, and even some of them make great accomplishment. Life was unfair!!! " I don't want to undermine your difficulties but life has and always will be unfair. This sentence actually makes you sound a bit juvenile. I suggest that you do delete it. Sorry if I come across as too harsh, but everyone does have their own problems at the end of the day.

Anyway, good luck with your essay and school.

Help me look over mine if you can! Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'history is a perforce' - Cornell Essay [5]

Hi there! I really liked your essay! I love history too and can totally relate to your essay. I can see your passion for history and how excited you are to use the resources at Cornell. Good job with your essay!

If you're free, pls help with my essay! Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'making friends in the US' - Commonapp - activities or work experience [4]

hey i agree with admission2012. I think the prompt is asking you to elaborate on something that is more long-term as compared to a single activity. You should elaborate on one of the clubs you joined or something... Or maybe a summer job? It is more likely that a long-term activity has a greater impact on you and will help you grow as a person.

Pls help me critic my essay if you can! Thank you. =)

Undergraduate / 'Dad as Influential Person' - Common App Essay [6]

Hi there! This is a really deep essay and very powerful. The only thing I will critic will be to focus on how you developed as a person. How many words is your essay? If you haven't exceeded the limit yet, I suggest that you elaborate on how you grew because I feet like a really wanted to know more about you! Other than that, I do like your essay and I admire you for your strength.

Pls help me critic my essay as well! You can be as harsh as you like! Thanks!

Book Reports / 'Not really fit in' - Describe a character in fiction - Belonging [7]

Hi maroon5, my essay has like over 600 words. I decided not to cut it... It is only about 1pg and slightly over so it doesn't look that long so hopefully no one notices!

I read your essay and really liked it! You're a talented writer!

Undergraduate / "I just don't like you," she scoffed and turned back to face the board. [13]

Hi maroon5, great essay! I like the 1st second para as I thought that it was interesting and succinct. I would also use "deceive" - it seems more appropriate. I really love your 1st para, it's just humorous! Overall, I think your essay is insightful and funny at the same time...any sch should be lucky to have you. You really showed that you love to learn.

I don't really know how to cut it down though! It just seems so great that cutting any part out will make it seem incomplete.

Undergraduate / What are the benefits of a diverse educational community? (Virginia Tech) [3]

Hi, I agree with maroon5. I don't really feel as if you truly want to experience a diverse community. Your essay sounds a bit emotionally detached. I think that you should make it more personal. Really concentrate on what you truly feel and show the depth of your emotions. That will really make it a more heartfelt essay. Don't wanna sound too harsh but your essay sounds as if you are merely stating facts. Improve on it and you're sure to have a great essay! Good luck!

Btw, could you pls critic my essay as well? Any kind of criticism is welcomed!

Book Reports / 'Not really fit in' - Describe a character in fiction - Belonging [7]

Hi Elena! Sorry forgot to state the prompt clearly. Yup it's to describe a character in fiction and its influence on me. =) The word limit is 500 (common app essay) but I think that cutting it might make me lose some substance so I decided to just leave it.

Thanks for the help on my grammar! I would not have ever seen those mistakes!

Book Reports / 'Not really fit in' - Describe a character in fiction - Belonging [7]

Hey! Anybody can help me pls? Moderators? Anyone?