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Posts by deremifri
Joined: Dec 25, 2011		 Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 9
Posts: 137  

From: Germany

Displayed posts: 146 / page 3 of 4
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deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

One suggestion: If you leave this quote like it is, it sounds as if you are seeking opportunity to praise yourself. So either
find a way to connect it to the rest or omitt it.
two times making it dfficult in a row
The first sentence of the conclusion does not make sense. Not regreting something is no contrast to valuing it, isn't it?
The true meaning of leadership part is really strong.
Other than that good flow, and smooth progression.

If you like, the bottom of my movie page has a very short essay. I d like to hear your opinion.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT [19]

Acutally, a major point of my essay is the power of mind and the purity.
Let me explain:
the mind is usually constrained by reality, but making a movie it can do whatever it likes, it is unfiltered by reality. This unfilteredness causes the raw power or purity. purity cleanses me and motivates me in real life. i will try out to make this clearer, but thanks to everybody, a great help.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Dear Admissions Staff, I don't give a Shih Tzu' [19]

I've been there when she has existential crises, and I was there to see her float back to reality

You should maybe use one tense here, now you are using three.
By the way, what is going to happen to Prince once you are admitted? (A serious question, that needs to be adressed)
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia Supplement Essays (Why Columbia and Why Biology) [5]

Your first essay is a little stuffed.
You list just too many aspects that are unrelated.
If you like you could link them maybe like this:
Difference in the world (main topic),
easier to do if good education,
aesier to do if good staff
easier to do in a good location

Hope this could help. Would you like to read my revised movie essay (it's short and on the bottom)?
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'being a American' - Common APP Achievement Essay [8]

This is probably a unique topic, so there could be some potential.
However, do not, really do not simply say that you wanted to be an American because you watched television.
This makes you look like a mindless tv-zombie-slave.
You have maybe two things to make this essay better:
Reflect on the values and attitude of the people you saw on TV, or what America represented to you
and why you liked them
Then reflect on the cultural assimilation as an accomplishment, try to describe manners and attitudes
you adopted and so on.
The proof of your being American sounds also not convincing.

If you got time, please check out the essay at the bottom of movie.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement - Physics and Astronomy [6]

Acutally, I think quantum physics is not really related to astronomy or the theory of relativity.
This is the whole point of modern physics, to find a link between those two.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / MIT: How has your world shaped your dreams? [2]

first sentence: interesting office
second sentence: yet was there often. I think yet indicates some sort of contradiction,
which is not here.
the girl part is not necessary.
Maybe try to add something about what fascinated you about engineering.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Change is inevitable; 'What motivates people to change' - SAT ESSAY [8]

Here's the thing:
SAT essays are not scored logically.
Do a little research and you will find that the prime and most impotant factor is length.
Although the collegeboard talks a lot about progression of thought and some other categories,
the fact is that the SAT is a standardized test and that the scorers have only very limited time to
look through your essay. That is why they need an objective criterium (the point of standardized tests),
and the only objective criterium is length.
So in the end nobody can tell you which score you will get, sorry.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Harvard Supplement question - no word limit?

So, this supplement does not have a word limit.
This freedom intimidates me, sort of.
Does anybody have a suggestion on how to decide how many words to use?
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / McDonald's "Work experience"- will review your essays [5]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

"The professor grills burgers at McDonald's", my friend said when I told him about my new job. Admittedly, fast food is not as intellectually challenging as the things I usually concern myself with. However, McDonald's gives me an opportunity to learn from life.

I started at McDonald's with the resolution to find out what some people had to endure their whole life. I experienced the total physical exhaustion after a day filled with monotony, pressure and suspended breaks.

However, I started to really understand when I talked with an old African immigrant who had worked for McDonald's for ten years. "I have to support family", he said wearily. When I looked in his apathetic eyes I intensely felt the hopelessness of a man stuck in a meaningless job for the rest of his life and knew why he did not protest low salary or unfair treatment.

It was a beautiful moment; something I thought of as impossible had happened: True understanding between two totally different people had taken place.

997

Please be harsh
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Kit Kats: Common Application Essay [10]

I don't know about the switch in the last sentence from I to this girl.
It seems a little random
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Supplement Essay-How I Developed Interest in Cancer [19]

The conclusion would be stronger if you did not use past tense.
And maybe you could make your own experience with cancer work better for you in this essay.
Cancer needed to stop, and I was going to help it along the way
This seems awkward, help it?
along the way?
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Shadows"- work experience, will review your essays [11]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

As a Jew I am deeply concerned with the difficult relationship between Jews and Muslims and
I have a deep love for acting which lets me understand other people.
This is why I was fascinated to star in the movie project "Shadows" which promoted exchange between Jewish and Muslim teenagers.
The casting process consisted of role-playing and included over 200 applicants.
Because of our success in these a Muslim girl and I were chosen to be in the actual movie where we would meet at night and talk about our culture.

For the movie I came up with funny anecdotes, told deeply personal stories and endured two hour long rehearsals in the cold happily, believing in the importance of dialogue.

Therefore I was happy that the headmaster of the girl's school was so impressed with the result that he would play the film for all students. We had actually made an impact.

The project had also great impact on me. I became good friends with the girl which showed me that true cultural understanding is possible.

Please be as harsh and honest as you can.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Internship programs, Why Boston essay, International student body [4]

Here's the thing:
You say you visited the website obsessively, twice a day (will they believe it)
and the list of things you like sounds just as though you copied it from the website.
They want you to be passionate,
if you are passionate about international students,
then you should focus on that.
And do not say it will be easier to adapt, this sounds bad.
Say something how you appreciate diversity.

Check out my essay, thanks.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / intellectual engagement essay (for college app) [8]

I would recommend to cut that kids are not intellectually engaged anymore (this is so generallized, it can only be wrong) and add a personal story.

Beginning great, then not so good.

I would very appreciate feedback on my essay.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / intellectual engagement essay (for college app) [8]

Here's my suggestion, do not know if it makes sense to you:

You should just talk about that interest and not grades are what defines intellectual.
The fact that you include the smartest part makes the point a little less powerful
(because caring only for grades is bad, but being smart..., I hope I am getting my point across)
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Realizing what I am doing [4]

I agree with the first two posters.
You should make clear why you decided to join red cross
and the revelation in the end more treaceble
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "American Airman" | Topic #1 Common Application [5]

Look, I will tell you outright that I am German, so my perspective is
not the American one, which is why I maybe a little more sensitive to the topic
so keep that in mind.

I find the beginning much too elavated.
When I began reading I thought that this was a list of overused and unrealistic cliches that
the author was going to criticize. However, you are just trying to praise yourself,
which considering your high school years is a little inappropriate, since those years should make you more modest.
And how have you defended your nation? Have you actually been abroad?

Also, the end suggests that you joined the military not because of passion but because you were scared of failing in college.

Again, my perspective is a little different, so see if my suggestions make sense to you,
but in my mind such strong praises should be only applied if you have actually achieved anything.
And even in that case, you should rather let the achievements do the talking.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Faq, Help / Otherwise, a small fee (starting at $5 per thread) explain this [8]

By the way, you are allowed to have as many open threads as you like. They just do not appear in the "Help with mine" section at the end.

YOu can close the thread by clicking close this thread at the top of the page.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "American Airman" | Topic #1 Common Application [5]

Are you allowed to talk on the common application about it?
Anyway, you could maybe make it sound like this kind of man you are portraying is the ideal that you strive to achieve.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'We tried out best throughout the season' - Yale Supplement [5]

You should consider the possibility that the following is nonsense, since
I cannot claim to hava any real knowledge about the admission process.
But here's the thing:
1. The prompt asks specifically to tell something about yourself. The first part is mainly
concerned with a live moment description. This, and this is another point that maybe only right from my perspective,
is the most unoriginal thing in a college essay there is. If you look at the essays here one third of them begins with a live

action description. What is once original and engaging turns if read many times, as the adcoms do it, into trite and meaningless.
Anyway the description does not add anything about your character.
2.The live description would actually make some sense if you really wanted to win and you were there for the competiton.
However, the description is about something that went well, however you tell later that you lost.
If the trip was actually about the change you should describe the change better.
The end has actually some sentences that I like very much.

So, you see this was all extremely subjective, and chances are it's pure nonsense.
This is why you should always take into account several opinions.

Hope this helped

By the way, regarding whether winning did not matter at all or only less than in the beginning:
Just be sincere. If you felt terrible that you lost, then say so, if the experience you got there made the losing meaningless
then write that. On the whole the adcoms are probably tired of people who pretend to be passionate over achievers, who think life is very beautiful,

who are ambitious, and believe in the duty to help the less fortunalte, without having anything in their application to back that up.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Quark Model' - MIT rec [6]

Have you ever read an evaluation that an employer gives his previous employee, who was just average and often late?
Such an evaluation is marked by the fact that it's usually quite positive, but there is nothing to back up the claims.
So, what this means for your evaluation is, that your teacher could tell a story.
He says your obsessed with finding a solution. A strong word, so certainly there must be a story where you proved your obsession, right?
Seeing that MIT receives evaluations for very good students I think that strong words and superlatives do not impress them anymore,
they want anecdotes ( as you can read in the actual formular)
My teacher talked for example about how I danced a balkan dance with a girl in front of the class, demonstrating my social skills and love for diversity.

Hope this helps
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My mom wanted to be a doctor' / 'Challenge' - MIT essay [8]

@sunil1
How do you think this works? You have to check out other people's essays so they will be glad to review yours.
However, my impression is:
You at times try to say philosophical things like "The experiences and culture in which a person lived, impacts him a lot".
This just sounds trite and does not have any depth. Why do you think they ask this question? They already know that it impacts you a lot.

The first one is supposed to tell how this environment has shaped you. You don't do that.
Regarding the second one:
You are supposed to talk about your challenge: however, you spent half the time talking about your father's condition.
Focus more on the process of getting better grades. Or if you want to keep your father in that essay, you can tell how you emotionally tried to come to terms with that.

My recommendation is: Revise the essays, upload them again, edit some other essays and have someone editing yours.

Hope this helps.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Homeless guy " Common app essay [7]

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence

Mankind has always loved myths and fairytales. The characters in those stories are idealized and represent ideas common to us. Little red riding hood is the epitome of moral goodness, the wicked witch in Hansel and Gretel represents pure evil. We need those characters since in reality people have always two sides to their personality. However, sometimes a person, who seems to come out of a different world, comes along to influence our lives forever.

Two years ago I volunteered at the "Bahnhofsmission", an organization at the railway station that took care of everybody who was in need of help. While my first two days of work had been calm, at the end of my third day I was devastated. A man whose marriage proposal was rejected came in and insinuated under tears that he was about to kill himself. A heroin addict had thrown his syringes at us, shouting "I hope you all get aids". The atmosphere had calmed down, but I was deeply shocked. However, then something happened religiously inclined people would call a wonder.

Equipped with torn clothes, a wild beard and crutches a homeless man came in who seemed as though he had slept a week under a bridge. In fact, he had. "After sleeping a week under a bridge you just need a coffee", he said laughingly and sat down. While I was providing him with coffee my co-volunteer whispered to me that the man reeked of alcohol. Obviously endowed with a good sense of hearing, the man said smilingly:

"You know, this is exactly what some cops told me when I was driving with an electronic wheelchair down the road. "You smell very much like alcohol, sir". Then I:"I am an alcoholic. I always smell like alcohol". The cops:"Are you drunk right now?" "Again I am an alcoholic. I am always drunk".

"But you cannot drive like this on the road!" "What are you gonna do? Take away my wheelchair?"
"OK, but be cautious." "Of course I am cautious you idiots, these are my bones."

This person was the epitome of peace. He instilled in me fascination with the power of mind, which made him perfectly happy despite disability and homelessness and which afterwards enabled me to not let asthma and skin disease affect my mental happiness. More importantly, this man fascinated by being simply himself which showed me that inside of every person is something uniquely beautiful worth searching for. This revelation sparked my interest in psychology and acting which both let me explore the wonderful depths of a personality.

If he read those lines he would likely say laughingly "I am not the epitome of anything. I am just a bum." He would probably have a point. However, mankind needs inspiring stories to carry it through times of doubt and uncertainty. Just as children are read every night the fairy tale they love, every time I have doubts in humanity I remember this man and realize that life is ultimately beautiful.

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my first multi-pitch climb' - Why Swarthmore? Supplement [6]

I like the essay, however one could also say that the prompt is to explain your reasons for Swathmore.
The first paragraph has nothing to do with it. In a way, he is also the most interesting.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A student, not an athlete' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [10]

Your essay is in the beginning incredibly well written, until you get to the so well.
Afterwards I sense the lack of elaboration. I mean, soccer had been your life,
what had made you realize that it was the wrong reasons?
And also, Stanford asks what matters to you. You should maybe clearly say something like:
passion for something should be also fun, not driven by the urge to success.
As a European I have no idea whether the reader will know what an assist is, try to find some answer to that.
And the last thing:
In my experience the whole point of soccer is to make a goal so your team wins.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / A Bold but Quick Move - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Supplement Essay [3]

The prompt is to talk about one experience or idea.
It is not visible in your essay whether you talk about an experience which has been important to you.
So if the thing you would like to talk about is your father's decision making, you should place it more prominently and
describe it more vividly, so that it really becomes an experience.
Is your experience playing Risk with your cousins?
Or is the idea that has influenced your intellectual development that decisions are not everything?
However, the last thing: I really do not know if decisions are not important is the kind of intellectual development Stanford wants to have.
1. They want leaders.
2. It at times seems to be about personal development rather than intellectual.

Hope this could help.

By the way, would you like to check out my essay?
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

I recommend you to be a little more concise.
You say so many times that he is passionate and commited, it just seems overloaded.
Maybe you could make the influence come out stronger.
Maybe by relating how you first saw him on the steps smiling to you.
One thing you might want to add is that your director smiled sincerely. If he did so.
And the first sentence does not make real sense to me.
First not influenced but inspired, then influenced=inspired.
You should also talk more about how he influenced you.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I had a dream: get into NYU' - NYU Supplement [15]

I for my part like the younger self part, since flattering in a joke is not that bad.
However, the first essay says many words about the economic situation,
but despite their being interesting they do not tell Why NYU
And I do not know about the repay NYU about being a dream part
Overall you use dream a little to much for my taste.

2.
Dont use that many thats in the first sentence.
Do not say including but not limited to. It sounds not exactly passionate.
Do not make the last part a listing of particips. It drives away the strength of those sentences.

By the way, mind checking out my essay?

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