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Posts by EF_Kevin
Joined: Nov 28, 2008
Last Post: Oct 8, 2016
Threads: 8
Posts: 13,321  
Likes: 129
From: United States of America

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EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Computer science - UC Prompt #1 and #2 - Transfer Applicant [3]

Neva made some important corrections, and I would even modify one further (prompt 2):

As the season progressed, I found that I had become better than I used to be.

Now, as for the intro, it seems that many students like to start the essay like a story... but you also have the option of starting it with a sentence that captures the fundamental truth of the piece. What is this essay really trying to say, you ask yourself. Do you know that many good writers write the intro paragraph last? It's true!

And if, in your intro, you can respond directly to the prompt: (i.e. "One accomplishment that makes me proud is...")

Good luck!
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Trouble when speaking about experience, UC Transfer Question Prompt [3]

Nope, not safe! :) The most important part is to write well, and the second most important part is to address the prompt. It shows that you think clearly. It is ALRIGHT that you don't have experience in the field. Write about the classes you took and how one of them led to a experience of reflection as you participated in some activity.

I suggest you write an essay all for yourself, just for enjoyment. Then, revise it later. Follow the rules of the prompt, though! :)
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / "Emotions are useless" - common app topic [5]

I knew better than to accept the idea that African-Americans are less intelligent than Caucasians based on IQ scores, but to remain impartial, I had to consider the fact that the tests were somewhat accurate and that my dad, sister, uncles, aunts, cousins and others were inherently less intelligent than the rest of the population.

Start a new paragraph with:

So, I searched for some.

This certainly is about a dilemma that you faced, and I think you can relate it well to the prompt by adding one good sentence to the beginning. "I faced an emotional dilemma when..."

Good luck!!
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / UC prompt 1. Electrical Engineering. [4]

It was in my University in Sri Lanka that I obtained most of my experience and formally declared my major.

I agree with what jashley said about getting rid of the first sentence... because you tell the intended major at the end of that first paragraph. Anything that is redundant is unnecessary, and unnecessary things detract from the power of the essay.

Unnecessary details are distractions. However, your essay does not have excessive detail; I just mention it as something to keep in mind.

You write well, without errors!
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Biting my nails and China resolution - UC- Part of Diversity [3]

Wow, your grammar is excellent and not in need of revision.

I do advise that you give a brief intro that tells what this activity was... or, better yet, tell the reader at the end of the essay what the activity was that you were participating in. I was left mystified about what the context of the situation might have been.

Other than that, it is great!!
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / memories of Christmas holiday in 2004 [3]

First line:

Like anybody else who was affected by the Tsunami that hit in 2004, I can never forget...

At the end, get rid of the phrase, "For me":

The most important part of my life was my role as a leader.

Nice job! See Neva's suggestions above, in addition to mine.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Which Professor offers faculty and research opportunities? Essay... [6]

Nicely done, with this improved draft. Here is room for improvement:

To me, it showed that a Penn faculty like Professor O'Leary does more than teach the material; he also leaves campus to assist with real-world problems. I look forward to working with him, and I believe he will be an insightful adviser to help guide me in my studies at Penn.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Help with USC essay ("to recognize opportunities") [3]

Usually, it is best not to use contractions in formal, academic writing, so instead of writing, for example, "wouldn't," you should write out the two words, "would not."

This is a great story, and perfect for the prompt. Here is some improvement for the ending:

Now that I am in my senior year, I believe that I have made a difference through all the small activities I have completed with these clubs. Failure did not hit me twice; I am now Secretary of my senior class and Sergeant in Arms of Interact. These positions would not change the fact that I lost, but I would never have made so many contributions in and out of school if I had won.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Book Reports / Topic: Macbeth vs Sonnet 29 of Shakespeare [2]

Shakespeare's somber tone in the onset of the sonnet displays overwhelming melancholy.

In order to cite the quotations for poems, put the line number in parentheses AFTER the quotation mark and BEFORE the period.

...change in his fortune as he states, "I all alone beweep my outcaste state" (line 1).

comma use: Despite his prayers, a "deaf heaven" does not reply.

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately.

Good job!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / USC essay- "to be a successful Hispanic", let me know what you think [18]

You do write very well. I think you would appreciate the poetry of Richard Rodriguez. I found little room for improvement, but here is a revision:

Failure to perform well academically is not part of the Hispanic culture; it is only a common misconception that others have in mind and that, sadly, many Hispanics have come to embrace as fact. Because of this, they waste the opportunity that their parents came to America for, often working two or three jobs just to provide for their family. I refuse to be one of the many statistics; I will obtain a higher education and be a successful Hispanic through my endeavors, never settling for anything less than the achievement of my greatest aspirations.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Graduate / How do you expect your career to be after you have finished your master [3]

I agree with Neva: you should research environmental management and economics jobs in Sweden, and take this as an opportunity to really plan your future a bit. Show them that you know how to research employment opportunities and grad programs. Good luck!
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - serious or entertaining movies [4]

Instead of, "Here are my reasons," try:

My reasons include the following:

Oh, all the corrections that I was about to make were already caught by Neva! Thanks neva, and good luck to you, Camellia.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Writing Feedback / About an activity: the magazine Young [3]

After a whole day's efforts, which ranged from printing posters to blowing balloons, everyone was exhausted. However, because of the smiles on the faces in the group photo taken at the end of that day, we felt excited and proud of ourselves. Satisfaction was enough reward for what we had done, regardless of praise or blame.

See Neva's comments (above) as well.

Good luck!!!
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Writing Feedback / Describe a character in fiction: How the steel was tempered [3]

He once said: "Personal business must yield to collective interest."

He respected his superiors and learned a lot from the leader's instruction and supervision.

When we are old and look back, we never feel regret about the passage of time or about having failed to act when action was necessary. We must grasp every minute to contribute to the society, because life can end at any minute.

Wow, it looks like you are ready to do a final proofread and turn it in.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Writing Feedback / 'it is the right thing to do' - Page 218 Autobiographical Essay [5]

It was upon those moments that the relationships of the fifty of us who constituted Youth Leadership Jacksonville Class XVIII had been constructed.

Wow, you must have had some real inspiration for writing this. It's awesome! I like the way you really treated it just like a page out of a book. They are going to love it.

One thing to re-think: there is an understanding that is deeper than knowing that you are different from prisoners because of having "turned my challenges into opportunities. I have not taken the path of least resistance, but instead, confronted adversity with commitment and determination." The truth is, many of those inmates may have overcome great adversity and taken great pain upon themselves in order to protect loved ones in a cruel world. The justice system is not perfect, and neither are any of us. Convicts can be some of the most excellent, spiritual people.

If someone asked me what made me different from convicted prisoners, I wouldn't know WHAT to say!!! :)

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Graduate / MFA Graphic Design/Visual Communications; Personal Statement [3]

I believe that it is pivotal to take all that I have gained and use it to help the next generation of designers. I could not ask for a better opportunity to do so than through the [community program] at [the school]. I am thrilled by the prospect of helping younger students uncover future goals while working towards my own.

Wow, awesome. I have no suggestions, other than to find one or two facts about each school that can be incorporated into the final paragraph. Find the names of actual faculty members to mention, learn about them, and mention them...and you're in!
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / student government - CommonApp EC Activity SHORT! [4]

It would be cool and lively to use an exclamation mark, here:

What a success it was, too! my classmates and I managed to organize the largest, most expensive prom in our school's history.

Also, you might want to add one more sentence at the end so that it does not end up having been all about the prom. Wrap it up with a profound sentence of reflection!

:)
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / The way of life-----UC PROMPT #2 [5]

Oh yeah, it does sound like a line from the eminem movie! Anyway, I don't think it's exactly the same, so it's alright... unless you rap it, I suppose!

So, I found no errors, but we can improve this:

There are many other subtle areas of my life to which the principle of this art applies. Though originally written about combat, a quote from Musashi's A Book of Five Ringsis universally true: "The end point is the beginning, great virtue is simplicity." These words have already cast an indelible imprint on me.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Graduate / Wholesale Manager - Help : Statement of Purpose [3]

Hi Pavan! Use Google to look for some samples of statements of purpose, so you can see how other people approached it. Then, you can get inspired for your own.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / 'task beyond expectation' - Bioengineering Major [UC Prompt #1 transfer] [3]

While shadowing Dr. Karim Shaikley, of Upland Orthopedic Clinic, at Alta Loma Hospital, I witnessed the 'hidden technology' embedded in many orthopedic patients. I was informed that in many cases the technology used was vital to the success of the surgery.

This is great, thanks for posting!
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Research Papers / Catch-22 Major Research Paper; "Generals Die in Bed" [7]

I like the outline...

Also, have you ever read either of these books?

Nope.

Is it fine to write generally about war, faith and then bring forth the characters from the books and their role towards each category?

It is probably better to show the teacher, in the opening paragraph, that you are writing about the correct subject. Use an opening paragraph that says what you are going to "argue" in the paper, and then set up the rest of the paper to support your "argument." It's not really an argument, but you need to convey soe eaningful insight that you got from the reading.

Also, It depends on how you transition from paragraph to paragraph. When professors ask you to use a logical order for writing, it is so that you can guide the reader through a meaningful process.

Finally, would it be logical to write about post-war trauma and death after the characters are introduced?

In this novel, the religious character, Anderson, is a relatively minor character, but what he represents is very important. Throughout the novel, Anderson prays to survive and overcome the war. Consistently he is seen doing this and in the end Anderson dies just like the rest of the soldiers, thus showing that religion certainly does not protect them. Now, right here, say something that applies to both books. Wrap up your intro paragraph by connecting the books together. In that connection is your theme.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / "Hoang the Headless Chicken" - Common App Personal Essay [7]

Sorry I missed the opportunity to comment last night. About the contractions, the thing to think of is that some readers believe that you shouldn't use them. I would refer for everyone to just keep it real, and write like they talk, but college is sometimes about appeasing people and conforming to their expectations.

:)
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / My parents are my motivation to be a hard-working, determined, and versatile student [4]

I attended both schools and found it hard sometimes to balance the schoolwork that came with that duel enrollment. My American school was located in the center of Chinatown and was populated mostly by children from Chinese backgrounds.

I began liking my American school even more, because the teachers would make us present in front of the class. I was sometimes reluctant to present, but other times I found it fun, and it has really helped shed my fear of speaking to large crowds.

Thanks for posting, good luck!!

Kevin
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Korea - Rutgers Essay [4]

Great proofreading by Neva and lovelovelife92.

Also:

My first experience with the World Cup and my pride for Korea have helped shape me into a better student -- and a better person. Participating in school sports has helped me maintain good grades and it even helped me elevate to a higher level of education. Not only did sports help me get into better classes, but they also motivated me to participate in clubs, such as Science Club, Math Club, Student Council and much more. Overall , I became a better person.

My new confidence has turned me around 180 degrees, and I was uplifted by this recent compliment from a friend: "I will be forever jealous of you because you have the ability to become friends with everyone around you." My friend's words haven proven to be true, and I do believe that my presence will make a difference the community offered by Rutgers University.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time [15]

This is well-written!

You can take this part:

Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class.[...] Eventually, I overcame these difficulties with my persistence and determination.

And replace it with one good sentence about your preconceived idea about geography... the way you had been intimidated by it, and why.

Here is some improvement:

I never gave up my desire to learn and succeed, but I also realized that I would not have overcome these tough moments without the support of my teacher, Mrs. Jorden and my classmates.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / The challenges and obstacles I had faced in high school- UC transfer prompt [3]

In the past years, I blamed my mother's lack of support and made it an excuse for my falling grades. I now realize that the motivation has to come from my own aspiration, not my anyone else's support. My own aspiration is to discover many unknown facts, understand other people and culture in more depth, and be able to make better choices through my life. The past few years' experience has given me an opportunity to look at things differently and strength to fight during hard times.

Wow, you write very well. Sorry you are far from home and without peers to consult! Some of the Essay Forum members participate quite regularly, and you can, too.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / my prompt for uc undergrad - "your most defining quality" [3]

TheFlameProof, thanks for participating the way you do, and mustering up collaboration. Your sincere feedback is great.

Sadia, here is a way to improve that part where you say you had nothing to offer:

The most common and by far the most difficult question in my mind is "what is your most defining quality?" This question has troubled me for months. I pondered long and hard about what I would write, and I came to a sad conclusion: I thought that I had nothing very special to offer. This changed when a friend pointed something out about me. My cultural background is a huge part of who I am.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Writing Feedback / The Watergate paper feedback [2]

Nice job. I did not find errors, but I guess it would be great to have a bit of philosophical reflection about it. A good paper has a meaningful theme, a thesis that is "argued" from beginning to end. This paper will do well, for sure, but it will be good to use your excellent writing skills to write papers that accomplish 2 things: Tell the information, and convey some truth. You should convey the information in a way that illustrates a point that you are trying to make.

I hope that makes sense. The difference between a good paper and a great paper is that a great paper changes the reader's ideas about something.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / "a camper" - common app essay. really horrible 1st draft. [4]

My potential to contribute to the diversity of a college community is shown

These responsibilities also helped me prepare for college life, in the sense that I might end up living at a dorm.

Nice essay, now wrap it up in the closing paragraph by saying something from the heart about this diversity you bring.
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Writing Feedback / Should teachers permit to teach if they don't have teacher's certification [2]

Teacher education has always played an important role in determining student outcomes. To be certified in Illinois, teachers must pass the Basic Skills Tests, which includes grammar, math, reading, and one of 53 subject tests. According to the publishing by Chicago Sun-Times in 2001, Illinois' schools have too many teachers and that they have trouble teaching children since most teachers continue to teach without certification, permitted to run classrooms with misguided notions. Teachers play an important role in the education of our society. In my opinion, if the teachers don't pass the certification tests, they should not be permitted teach children in school.

Very interesting, and nice ending! Good job.

:)
EF_Kevin   
Dec 1, 2008
Undergraduate / College Essay: experience or achievement, Revise Needed! [2]

My most significant achievement has been becoming a member of Best Buddies International club at John A. Ferguson Senior High school and eventually earning the position of Vice President.

Victor has taught me more than any other friend I have ever had,

I only changed a couple minor things. I enjoyed the essay, nicely written ...good subject you chose!

:)

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