Essays / Common app personal essay: selecting a topic for significant experience [8]

[Moved from]: need analysis on a question

Describe your most significant academic experience 100 words

now does this mean like my main subject which influenced my major of choice etc? as in talk about an academic subject?
or school as a general idea and seeing school as an academic experience so anything that has to do with the environment?

i have no idea! need help plz! lol

Undergraduate / "Leaders in the Making" - CMC Leadership - admission essay [13]

if you want sarcasm than you could put inverted commas around a little known

"a little known" man named ...

but still i don't think that humor is good enough to be in your essay. it detracts it a little actually, so best to get rid of it.

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

dec 1 means your more than a month and a half ago. and application with no essay means you didn't make the deadline or fulfil the requirement for consideration

if you meant jan 1 - it still applies the same.
you need the essay otherwise your application is not complete and they don't accept something that is half a month overdue

sorry but i don't think you have any chance what so ever.

Undergraduate / Title for college application essay? [16]

not necessarily. i'm sure there has been a similar thread about this a while back.

you don't have to have one but then theres nothing wrong with not having one.

the title isn't going to be determining a large, if not any portion of your essay
so if you can't think of anything, then you don't need one.

i only had one for my common apps essay

Undergraduate / I was miraculously admitted to my first choir after being dragged to the audition by my best friend. [16]

getting rid of the conversation and replacing it with simple description. this is a 150 word elaboration of your activity, not a personal essay. keep it simple and show the point.

Research Papers / Need ideas for a research paper [12]

lol this has to be one of the vagest questions I have ever had.

Undergraduate / Why are you applying to GW? [I was there with my family on vacation] [5]

its prob bit late but i dont think comments such as

I currently attend his alma mater, and am both proud and hopeful at what he has accomplished by becoming our next president.

are really needed for why GWU essay

Undergraduate / common app short answer help ("bare room lined with mirrors") [19]

maybe you should expand this and use it as a personal essay?

Writing Feedback / The person I admire happens to be my rival - Essay on Role model [13]

if you don't feel like it then you don't need to
just refer to her as your cousin. but then again, using names might make it sound more personal
just make sure you don't the adcoms confused. keep it same - either cousin or the name.

Undergraduate / Common App and how to start the art supplement? [15]

by that do u mean that you have already applied using the school's application? then you should not send another one through common app, they will get confused as they will receive two applications instead of one.

Undergraduate / Common App and how to start the art supplement? [15]

its best to ask your university
if your portfolio is on the web, i.e. your own website, then they want to see that
if not i think you indicate that you have sent the porfolio via mail

i'm not so sure though because i'm not a art person so i had nothing to do with this bit lol

Undergraduate / My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]

this is a why us essay

main problem with this is you have not talked about Empire state college at all. Whether it is strong in the major of your choice, whether it has professors you would like to hear lectures from, special programs that interests you.

"topics or areas you hope to explore at Empire State College
your academic and personal experience, interests and strengths
your longer-term personal and professional goals"

this is the question you have written and sure you have answered it but subtly, this question is asking what kind of course do you want to pursue at OUR university, specific to OUR college. What do we have that others don't?

you did not meet this criteria at all and sorry for being harsh but your answer does not answer the question.

On this forum there are a lot of "why us" college essays. They may be of differnet universities/colleges you are applying to but you will be able to see what kind of answers they give and what kind of things they include in their essays. If you read many of them, you will see some similarities and aspects of their university that they mention. Look over them and make sure your essay mentions some of those things.

Some grammar errors

As a Teacher I ran into difficult situation on many occasions. For example, a student cried out loudly in my class: "My mother beats me with a whip every night. I am not going home anymore"! I was lost forwords. I felt so sorry for him, but I was not powerful enough to be able to help this child. It was this story, and many others that influenced me and encouraged me to learn how to understand human behavior better.

and to improve on the issues i have mentioned context wise, sentences such as these

I will pursue a College Degree in Psychology, and try to help the unfortunate rebuild their lives.
My goal is to become a professional Psychologist.

can be changed into

Empire State College's strong psychology department became of great interest once I decided to help the unfortunate rebuild their lives by becoming a Psychologist.

things like that

p.s. yes your essay needs to be much more than what it is now. it said minimum 250, then I would go for 500 - 700 as a good solid length to talk enough about the school and not bore the adcoms.

good luck

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

i found conversation most helpful. when i was out i talked to people as much as possible. and when i didnt no a word, i always asked my friends etc and learnt to use it in the context.

writing and vocab?? i just read heaps of books. Doesn't matter what language though, I used to read thousands of books in Korean and i think it helped my writing in English etc.

Undergraduate / My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]

Being a teacher for five years has learned me a lot

has taught me a lot

especially a child is unique. dont think you need this line

shining points. awkward word choice. look for alternatives here

caught my eye. too informal. something more like grabbed my attention or something like that

I am confident that Empire State College is my right choice. With convenient online courses, that will let me keep my Job, with God's will, I believe Empire will make my educational dreams come true.

now its good that you understood what i was saying and referred to the college. However you do not need to say the name of the college so many times. replace some with third person references maybe. Also in that last sentence, you should remove with God's will. Unless the college is christian school, you shouldn't express your religious beliefs directly in your essay. also remove the word educational, and change the sentence "that will let me keep my job" (job does not need to be capitalized) "with convenient online courses, which will allow me to study while working in my current job" or something like that.

Undergraduate / Essay : Issue of importance (about a pessimistic friend?) [16]

im guessing this is for the common app application essay - one main problem i see with this essay. It is a bit too long. 1200 words is too long for an essay of this kind. I'd recommend shorter length of around 700.

Also you talk too much about the issue of child labour. Although the prompt asked for an issue of concern. It also asked you how it influenced you this is the most important part. The adcoms wants to know about you not about the child labour situation. you're using child labour as an issue, an insight towards your own self-beliefs and ideals.

You only begin to mention yourself in the last two paragraphs, a mere 200-300 words or so. this is not even a quatre of your essay. You should try to talk about yourself for at least half your essay.

Reduce some of the descriptions on child labour. Sure its well written but thats not what the adcoms are looking for. Strenghten your ideas about how it influenced you and maybe have an anecdote about a time when you began to recognize the problem or something

good luck

Undergraduate / Common App and how to start the art supplement? [15]

I think you need to strenghten your introduction and draw better linkage into your second paragraph. Although it is perfectly fine to begin talking about your major of choice and your influence towards it, I don't think that your parents or cousins needs to be mentioned as your influenced.

Personally i'd describe your passion for art more rather than listing the support you have had. And second paragraph, as everyone always says, theres nothing wrong with being more specific. Mention a special program or professor etc

good luck

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

if you are a sure accepted students i.e. your results are in teh top 10% of the incoming class then optionals probably are not needed

however otherwise, if you are in the middle pack or on the borderline and if you they are choosing someone with optional essays and someone without optional, they'll probably choose the optional one unless the essay was horrible

usually optionals are not optional. Its your chance to show more about yourself and shows that you are more willing to go that extra yard to get that acceptance.

i did all my optional essays

Undergraduate / Essay : Issue of importance (about a pessimistic friend?) [16]

your voice is whats needed in this essay

have a look at other essays of your topic (i'm sure someone else has chosen this one for their common apps) and see how they have integrated their issue of choice with their beliefs, their stories etc

your essay is like this

issue about child labour
.
.
.
your view
conclusion

your view and your voice needs to be strongly issued at the start or at least beginning few sentences. The adcoms need to knwo why this is important to you right from the start, not the last two paragraphs

Grammar, Usage / How to enrich my writing? [10]

moderators no, contributors read the contributors page at the bottom of this forum
shows you what you can/need to do to join

moderators can move posts, remove them etc
contributors are just extra helpers to moderators

Undergraduate / CMC essay ("Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis") [14]

one slight problem. this essay does not sound interesting. you need more showing than telling. try to describe the activity instead of simply telling it. You try this at the start but i think it falls off a bit towards the end. Also you should try and get a stronger intro and a conclusion to capture the adcom's attention

good luck

Undergraduate / Macalester supplement - 'minor problem with our cultural difference' [11]

ok well i don't know if this is offencive or not because i didn't get it
i read it over twice but the essay was too hard to follow. It was too informal at times and too confusing. I'm not sure what the challenge was - the korean girl or the vietnamese children and i'm not sure how you overcame this challenge or learnt something from it

maybe its just me but this needs a lot of work
sorry

Undergraduate / umich short answer 1 - "Qi Hui" [7]

There are so many things people like myself - who have a complete family - desire. Power, wealth and status are a few to name.

this sentence should be changed to

there are so many aspects for people like myself - who has a complete family - desire, to name a few, power, wealth and status.

Yet, it is such love that can last us past retirement

try to find a better word than retirement.

This experience made me respect people of less fortunate backgrounds.

I want to be able to add new colors to Michigan and create a more vibrant university life for everyone.

this conclusion sentence should be more dramatic and attention grabbing. Enough to leave an impact long after reading this essay

Just a suggetion

I don't just want to add new colors, but I want to become a brush that help mix them together to create a whole new color. I believe I can create a vibrant and lively Michigan university.

Something like that. Just something more striking

A contextual problem i see, i don't think that the paragraphs really support your argument. You talk about love and how it is innate. But the next paragraph you lead to a conclusion totally different from your statement and again in the last paragraph. I think you could work more on trying to connect your ideas together. At the moment it seems liek separate ideas stuck together.

Undergraduate / Macalester supplement - 'minor problem with our cultural difference' [11]

well when i'm stuck for ideas i search around for an essay (usually on this site) for an essay of a simliar topic - in your case dealing with ethical/cultural differences.

Have a look around and see if you can find some ideas to improve your own essay

at the moment you do not have a clear point to make. I had no idea this essay was about music.

Though it is good that you are trying to use the taste of music as a difference in the cultures. You just need to make it consise, clear and interesting if you can. But more importance on the first two

good luck

Undergraduate / My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]

sorry my intention wasn't to say that you should hide your religious beliefs - afterall, i wrote a conversation between me and God for one of my essays. But the position and the context of how you mentioned God was very abrupt and out of topic it seemed.

Essays / Ryerson undergraduate admission essay writing. (reasons, details) [14]

find some sort of a major influence or a incident that led you to choose the major of your choice. Was it someone that you knew? something that happened during school? think carefully about your life and how you decided to major in business management.

for the details and factors relevant... i guess it means talk about any sort of experience you have had in this area? like internships etc

good luck

Book Reports / What is an easy book to do a book report on? [15]

what genre?

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

i'm not sure much about these sort of essays but am I right to know that wikipedia is not considered a good academic source? in that case you might have to find other sites/sources

Undergraduate / "What qualities do you feel you would bring to our institution?" [6]

bring out your character and personality that is unique and thus sets you apart from other people. If you are a someone that moderates, i.e. solves peoples problems, expand on that. If you have lived in three different countries and thus have encorporated values from all three, then say you will bring interesting diversity. Some aspect of yourself that makes yourself unique.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

Linnus - What are the "First World" and the "Third World"?

its a geography term for the i guess advanced countries and less-advanced. USA would be conisdered first, where as North Korea would be third

but i'm not sure about using these terms, didn't they bring up the whole developed and developing countries? you might want to use these instead.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

wow i never thought i'd meet someone who actually believe this

"Don't buy what politicians and other semi-experts tell you about global warming"

then why should we believe what you say, are you THE expert in this? can you really be confident enough and have enough scientifical, actual figures and stats to back your claims or are you so ignorant or naive or just wanting some attention.

i'm not sure what you have seen around here these days but i am pretty sure if you actually LOOK at the stats and numbers, the temperature of the earth itself has been increasing. Sure it goes up and down every x number of years but generally it has been going upwards. i.e. when the temperatures go up for certain years, it doesn't go down as much in others, so after a couple of thousand years, ie. now, its much worse than what it was a long time ago.

who said anything about selling ice from antarctica? even if they decided to, they wouldn't be able to sell anything because the ice would've all melted away by this so called "naturally occuring global warming"

I'm not sure what you've been watching or what world you have been living the past few years. and sure lets ignore all the talk from politicans and semi-experts. Then what about all the increasing number of environmental disasters and changes occuring around the world? I lived in Australia past 8 years and as each year went by, the avg temps increased and the rain became almost non-existent. At the moment in Korea, in the whole month I stayed here, it snowed twice. Thats never happened before in my life time. I used to see and play in the snow every weekend. Now its a miracle if I see any. What about all the increased number of strong tornados and cyclones, the increasing number of uncontrollable bushfires. The likes of flood occurring in an area which hasn't seen rain for couple of decades. Is this all "naturally occurring?" can you really say that you have not done anything to contribute to this? are you that ignorant to say that stop wasting money to save the planet that you are living in at this exact moment?

and what if global warming isnt a big problem as you say. Then why not spend some of your money to use less fossile fuel, save couple more trees and maybe give endangered spieces a chance to survive. The earth is much as ours as it is theirs, why don't you start caring and thinking about others than just yourself? Why can't we help the world for the sake of helping the world?

I realise this is long-winded rambling here but I've always wanted to meet someone like you and so nice to meet you

btw i would love to help you with your essay but i need a clearer question - like the requirements and what you're supposed to focus on so i can help develop your answers that way

Undergraduate / SUNY or Common App which is better ? [9]

if you have time do as much as possible, write as much essays as possible to show you're that much more interested and desiring of attending that university.

Graduate / Homeless situation - personal statement [10]

if you spin it right
its like a hollywood story - homeless to getting a uni degree and pursuing grad and doing great things

just make sure you don't make it sound like you're whining or expecting some sort of extra credit/help for it, rather make sure you emphasise the challenges that you overcame and the better person you became for it.

good luck

Undergraduate / FSU undergraduate essay, writing about the struggles. [3]

sorry what is MMORPG?

the question itself seems like one of those wider open ones than others i've seen. So the way you're trying to go about - the close to something and find more to be done - could refer to beautiy of intellectual pursuits, or moral/physical/intellectual strenghts

as long as the essay is about yourself and your own life story instead of a very general, generic essay.

Post your draft here and I could be of more help

Undergraduate / Indicate how you first became interested in SLU [5]

well i don't think you should explicitly say you chose this university because of its ranks. It is pretty much saying - hey i don't know much about you other than your ranking. Thats why i chose it!

Also, study abroad programs? Pretty much every top universities in america offers this. Its nothing special.

In addition, the way you structured your sentences is not very well done sometimes

Upon entering Saint Lawrence University, I intend to major in Economics. Therefore, China is the one

therefore is usually used when you're supporting something for example. But here the use of therefore is not correct at all. How is it so that you intend to major in economics yet somehow China becomes involved with your major of choice?

that I am willing to study my China's economic reforms course at because it has a similar economic trend with my country.

this also has problems. China's economic reforms course is not yours but rather, this sentence should be structured more like, I would like to study economics, specifically relating to china's economic reforms because its trend is similar to that of my own country.

who was nothing new for the Coach of the Year honors

i don't understand this sentence

your essay also needs a conclusion

I know the deadline is approaching etc but this needs a lot of work. Your wording is too informal at times and the ideas of why you choose this university is too weak. Other than the division III soccer and the coach, you have not been specific enough.

But most importantly, I don't think basing your essay, saying straightforwardly that you choose this university because of the rankings is not going to get you anywhere.

Be more personal, really ask yourself why you want to go to this university. And be formal.

At the moment your attitude of "whatever gives me most money" is shown

good luck

Essays / Where to Find good literary Criticism [5]

go to your nearest library, they may have a few

Research Papers / Research paper on Commercials on TV (ideas). [12]

the type of ads appearing at certain times could be looked into as well

like how junk food ads are only shown during kids programs for obvious reasons

Undergraduate / My 2nd Admissions Essay for University of Austin, become more independent [3]

I have never met before who is nearly ten years older than I am.

Texas State University down in San Marcos

and whatnot

just my opinion but i think this essay is faaar too conversational and informal

to a some degree and with your topic of choice some leniency could be given but this is more like you talking to your friend than sending an essay to a university.

i have no problem with the topic and your way of spinning things, connecting ideas, however i think this should be more formalized.

Essays / "a defining moment" - Need assistance with writing an Essay (forgot the basics) [14]

if you keep/kept a diary or something now would be a good time to look through it

if not, go to a peaceful place and think about the moments that did define you. whatever memories you have.

some good sources are your family and friends too. ask around.

the number of pages or paragraphs depend on the task itself i guess. If not id go with 1-2 A4 pages of writing.

Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [14]

in agreeing with what kevin said, and replying to your question of does this seem compelling, you could change the last sentence. it seems too simple and straightforward. nothing wrong with it just could do with some improvements.

i can't think of an example right now but i'll let you know if something comes up lol