katev
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Fascination with Eye Contact; Yale Supp/ learn more about you [6]
Thanks! Any other words?
Thanks! Any other words?
katev
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Life of Pi; Living colorfully; UVa supplement [3]
Big changes: I'm at 262 words now
I am a surprise ending kind of reader. If there is some sort of unexpected twist at the end of a novel, I am almost guaranteed to fall in love. In the case of the Life of Pi by Yann Martel, even a self-proclaimed plot twist expert like myself could not have foreseen the ending of this novel.
The majority of this novel was spent detailing the trials and tribulations of a boy separated from his family and stuck on a raft in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The ending was spent in an arguably similar, yet starkly different manner. Throughout the first part of the novel, the boy was stuck on the raft with an orangutan, a zebra, a hyena, and, most importantly, a ferocious Bengal tiger. However, after facing doubt from reporters that he could have survived 227 days on a raft with a carnivorous tiger, the second part of the story was about a boy who was stuck on the raft not with animals, but with humans. The reporters, along with the readers, were then faced with the challenge of which story they believed. After analyzing the novel from a purely literary perspective, it was clear to me that Yann Martel is really asking how readers would choose to live their lives. Accept what is believable and live a yeast-less existence, or choose to challenge your beliefs and live a colorful life. This work of literature has led me to challenge how I choose to believe things. Instead of leading a "yeast-less existence," I choose to live colorfully.
Big changes: I'm at 262 words now
I am a surprise ending kind of reader. If there is some sort of unexpected twist at the end of a novel, I am almost guaranteed to fall in love. In the case of the Life of Pi by Yann Martel, even a self-proclaimed plot twist expert like myself could not have foreseen the ending of this novel.
The majority of this novel was spent detailing the trials and tribulations of a boy separated from his family and stuck on a raft in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The ending was spent in an arguably similar, yet starkly different manner. Throughout the first part of the novel, the boy was stuck on the raft with an orangutan, a zebra, a hyena, and, most importantly, a ferocious Bengal tiger. However, after facing doubt from reporters that he could have survived 227 days on a raft with a carnivorous tiger, the second part of the story was about a boy who was stuck on the raft not with animals, but with humans. The reporters, along with the readers, were then faced with the challenge of which story they believed. After analyzing the novel from a purely literary perspective, it was clear to me that Yann Martel is really asking how readers would choose to live their lives. Accept what is believable and live a yeast-less existence, or choose to challenge your beliefs and live a colorful life. This work of literature has led me to challenge how I choose to believe things. Instead of leading a "yeast-less existence," I choose to live colorfully.
katev
Dec 30, 2012
Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]
I think you can delete if you have enough "likes" to spend
I think you can delete if you have enough "likes" to spend
katev
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / business essay - 250 word requirement (proofread and tips appreciated!) [3]
Your essay sort of jumps all over the place
You only briefly explain many ideas/answers. Try to compress your mini paragraphs into groups of fluid and complete thoughts
Your essay sort of jumps all over the place
You only briefly explain many ideas/answers. Try to compress your mini paragraphs into groups of fluid and complete thoughts
katev
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / EASYGOING/KPOP FAN/ INDEPENDENT; Stanford /Letter to Roommate - Future Friend [4]
I wouldn't try to break the fourth wall here. You've sort of lost the illusion of you talking to your roommate by talking about the character limit and saying things like "I know it's not much"
Also, not to be mean, but I could replace "Steven" with any other name and this letter could probably work for someone else. What is something that you could add that would really stand out in the AdCom's eyes? Add some of that wit if you want to! You really have to let your personality shine through!
Through this letter, I think I've shown you a glimpse of my character and idiosyncrasies. Of course, there is much more to me than the 2000 character limit can convey, but I'm sure you'll find out the rest over our year together. Let's make the most of it!
I wouldn't try to break the fourth wall here. You've sort of lost the illusion of you talking to your roommate by talking about the character limit and saying things like "I know it's not much"
Also, not to be mean, but I could replace "Steven" with any other name and this letter could probably work for someone else. What is something that you could add that would really stand out in the AdCom's eyes? Add some of that wit if you want to! You really have to let your personality shine through!
katev
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Short 1000 Characters; Olympic Games: Worth the Cost? Wake Forest Supp [9]
Make a rational argument for a position you do not personally support. For clarity, please state your true opinion first and then argue the opposite position. Consider an issue that has affected you personally. 1000 characters
After enrolling in a summer course where I studied the effects of the Olympics, I believe that the Olympic Games are worth the political, environmental, and financial cost.
The Olympic Games not only cost billions of dollars to put on, but they also harm the environment, provide an often abused political platform, and create a competitive sense of nationalism and tension. The grand buildings that must be built to host large quantities of spectators cost billions of dollars for the host country and its citizens. Post-Games, these grand buildings built for hundreds of thousands of people are now inefficient but must be maintained by the host city. The amount of reconstruction and demolition done to prepare for the two-week long event also causes great harm to the environment. Additionally, countries have used the Games as a political platform hundreds of times. Boycotts, gestures made by officials and athletes, and simply not inviting a certain country all create great political tension.
I'm at 1000 characters on the nose. I'd like to have a better conclusion, but I need to compress other things first.
Make a rational argument for a position you do not personally support. For clarity, please state your true opinion first and then argue the opposite position. Consider an issue that has affected you personally. 1000 characters
After enrolling in a summer course where I studied the effects of the Olympics, I believe that the Olympic Games are worth the political, environmental, and financial cost.
The Olympic Games not only cost billions of dollars to put on, but they also harm the environment, provide an often abused political platform, and create a competitive sense of nationalism and tension. The grand buildings that must be built to host large quantities of spectators cost billions of dollars for the host country and its citizens. Post-Games, these grand buildings built for hundreds of thousands of people are now inefficient but must be maintained by the host city. The amount of reconstruction and demolition done to prepare for the two-week long event also causes great harm to the environment. Additionally, countries have used the Games as a political platform hundreds of times. Boycotts, gestures made by officials and athletes, and simply not inviting a certain country all create great political tension.
I'm at 1000 characters on the nose. I'd like to have a better conclusion, but I need to compress other things first.
katev
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Short 1000 Characters; Olympic Games: Worth the Cost? Wake Forest Supp [9]
What essay? These are all short answers that Wake provides a box for
What essay? These are all short answers that Wake provides a box for
katev
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Central American immigrants and American Dream - Columbia Supp. 2 [7]
the "its" here is pretty ambiguous
lucrative is sort of an odd word choice in that it often implies monetary gain
I agree to not end your strong essay with this weak statement. You don't want to qualify your statement, be confident! They'd rather read "I would do "this" at your University" than "I could do "this" if you were to ever accept me"
I read because of its potential knowledge
the "its" here is pretty ambiguous
lucrative learning
lucrative is sort of an odd word choice in that it often implies monetary gain
If I were to ever be accepted into your extraordinary center of learning.
I agree to not end your strong essay with this weak statement. You don't want to qualify your statement, be confident! They'd rather read "I would do "this" at your University" than "I could do "this" if you were to ever accept me"
katev
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Short 1000 Characters; Olympic Games: Worth the Cost? Wake Forest Supp [9]
Oh, I wasn't sure since you posted on my Wake Forest forum...
You don't put anything on the main common app essay, it does it automatically. Just look at the Print Preview option
elina855; That's the whole point of the question. You state your opinion and then argue for a stance that you don't believe in. I believe in the Olympics and have written a whole paper arguing for their continuation. However, the prompt asks that I "state your true opinion first and then argue the opposite position"
Oh, I wasn't sure since you posted on my Wake Forest forum...
You don't put anything on the main common app essay, it does it automatically. Just look at the Print Preview option
elina855; That's the whole point of the question. You state your opinion and then argue for a stance that you don't believe in. I believe in the Olympics and have written a whole paper arguing for their continuation. However, the prompt asks that I "state your true opinion first and then argue the opposite position"
katev
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Short 1000 Characters; Olympic Games: Worth the Cost? Wake Forest Supp [9]
Birdiee; that is the point of this prompt! I think it's ridiculous as well, but I am supposed to provide a rational argument for a stance that I do not support. Like the prompt asked, I stated my belief first then argued for anti-Olympics.
I didn't title mine, but you should just center your title and put it on a separate line followed by your essay.
You do not have to write your own question, just talk about whatever you want
Can you actually read my essay now?
Birdiee; that is the point of this prompt! I think it's ridiculous as well, but I am supposed to provide a rational argument for a stance that I do not support. Like the prompt asked, I stated my belief first then argued for anti-Olympics.
do you underline the title or put it between quote marks? I don't want to risk them thinking that the title is part of the essay...
ALSO. if I choose topic of your choice, do I have to write my own essay question?
ALSO. if I choose topic of your choice, do I have to write my own essay question?
I didn't title mine, but you should just center your title and put it on a separate line followed by your essay.
You do not have to write your own question, just talk about whatever you want
Can you actually read my essay now?
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Wally joined army; Quirky sense of humour for Caltech [5]
So he's dead in a cemetery in London?
What is the prompt for this question?
So he's dead in a cemetery in London?
What is the prompt for this question?
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'consumer's subconscious' - Psychology and Business; Cornell Supplement [2]
College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words max)
My friends never fail to tell me that I read too much into things. I never fail to tell them that they are only taking things at face value. Where they see a catchy commercial, I see a genius attempt to persuade the a consumer's subconscious. After taking a step back and analyzing this habit of mine, I realized that all of my previous life experiences could culminate with two fields: psychology and business.
When I first decided to pursue/give in to my naturally curious tendencies, I was unable, as my high school no longer offered a psychology course. However, when I had the opportunity my senior year, I joined the Online School for Girls, which offered an AP Psychology course. I was thrown into a completely online world focusing on a completely new subject.
As I grew acclimated to this new and challenging class style, I also grew to love Psychology. The vast wealth of knowledge that this online course has offered me leads me to want to push myself even further. The way psych... I would love to expand my understanding of psychology through Cornell University's Psychology major.
Cornell's extensive academic opportunities would allow me to pursue not only my interest in psychology, but also my interest in business. The option to pursue majors and minors in more than one field has always been a factor in my college search, as I am not certain about my academic major. While my love for psychology has flourished with my choice to take an online course, it was my experience interning with a local successful bakery owner that peaked my interest in business.
Coming from a family of businessmen, an interest in business has always been prevalent throughout my life. My mother created her own flower business in California, my grandfather created a successful airplane parts company that my father now runs, and my aunt was the first woman publisher at Time, Life, then People magazine. I attempted to follow in their footsteps from a young age. I held lemonade stands on sunny summer days, and made homemade dog treats and sold them around my neighborhood. However, it was not until my experience with Kat Gordon, owner of Muddy's Bake Shop, that I really became interested in majoring in business. Her unique approach at entrepreneurship led me to see a true connection between psychology and business. When you walk into her bakery, you feel as if you are walking into someone's home. Drawings from the customers hang on the wall, and board games and puzzles cover the coffee tables. Kat Gordon undoubtedly had the zaniest staff and the happiest customers in all of Memphis. As she taught me the ins and outs of her business, it was the little things she did such as not making the icing colors too bright so kids wouldn't completely ruin their clothes with food dye that brought me to see how she saw her customers: her family. Kat Gordon always kept in mind the feelings of her customers. Her compassion as a business owner made me realize just how valuable pursuing both psychology and business would be. Although the two fields do not necessarily go hand in hand, I hope to harmonize these two academic interests of mine throughout four years at Cornell University.
**this is an old essay that I'm re-writing to fit Cornell. There are some unfinished thoughts, but in order to include more about Cornell I have to take out some things first. What can I get rid of or shorten?**
College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words max)
My friends never fail to tell me that I read too much into things. I never fail to tell them that they are only taking things at face value. Where they see a catchy commercial, I see a genius attempt to persuade the a consumer's subconscious. After taking a step back and analyzing this habit of mine, I realized that all of my previous life experiences could culminate with two fields: psychology and business.
When I first decided to pursue/give in to my naturally curious tendencies, I was unable, as my high school no longer offered a psychology course. However, when I had the opportunity my senior year, I joined the Online School for Girls, which offered an AP Psychology course. I was thrown into a completely online world focusing on a completely new subject.
As I grew acclimated to this new and challenging class style, I also grew to love Psychology. The vast wealth of knowledge that this online course has offered me leads me to want to push myself even further. The way psych... I would love to expand my understanding of psychology through Cornell University's Psychology major.
Cornell's extensive academic opportunities would allow me to pursue not only my interest in psychology, but also my interest in business. The option to pursue majors and minors in more than one field has always been a factor in my college search, as I am not certain about my academic major. While my love for psychology has flourished with my choice to take an online course, it was my experience interning with a local successful bakery owner that peaked my interest in business.
Coming from a family of businessmen, an interest in business has always been prevalent throughout my life. My mother created her own flower business in California, my grandfather created a successful airplane parts company that my father now runs, and my aunt was the first woman publisher at Time, Life, then People magazine. I attempted to follow in their footsteps from a young age. I held lemonade stands on sunny summer days, and made homemade dog treats and sold them around my neighborhood. However, it was not until my experience with Kat Gordon, owner of Muddy's Bake Shop, that I really became interested in majoring in business. Her unique approach at entrepreneurship led me to see a true connection between psychology and business. When you walk into her bakery, you feel as if you are walking into someone's home. Drawings from the customers hang on the wall, and board games and puzzles cover the coffee tables. Kat Gordon undoubtedly had the zaniest staff and the happiest customers in all of Memphis. As she taught me the ins and outs of her business, it was the little things she did such as not making the icing colors too bright so kids wouldn't completely ruin their clothes with food dye that brought me to see how she saw her customers: her family. Kat Gordon always kept in mind the feelings of her customers. Her compassion as a business owner made me realize just how valuable pursuing both psychology and business would be. Although the two fields do not necessarily go hand in hand, I hope to harmonize these two academic interests of mine throughout four years at Cornell University.
**this is an old essay that I'm re-writing to fit Cornell. There are some unfinished thoughts, but in order to include more about Cornell I have to take out some things first. What can I get rid of or shorten?**
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / My grandma has made a lot for our family - essay [2]
What is the prompt? This is sweet and all, but I know nothing about you. I don't think you even mentioned yourself once other than how much you love your grandmother.
If this is an influential person essay, you need to say how she influenced you.
She has taught her grandchildren good manners and things it takes to be a good person (You can mention yourself here)
grandma fall in love again
she has lived with her daughters, my aunts
I truly admire my grandma for all that she has made for my family
I love her. Whenever you meet her...
What is the prompt? This is sweet and all, but I know nothing about you. I don't think you even mentioned yourself once other than how much you love your grandmother.
If this is an influential person essay, you need to say how she influenced you.
She usually has taught her grandchildren how to be a good person and have a good manner
She has taught her grandchildren good manners and things it takes to be a good person (You can mention yourself here)
made my grandma fell in love again
grandma fall in love again
So, she has lived with her daughters - my aunt
she has lived with her daughters, my aunts
I really admire my grandma about what she had made for family and I
I truly admire my grandma for all that she has made for my family
And I also love her. whenever you meet her
I love her. Whenever you meet her...
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / In Which I Contemplate the Definition of Hipster- Common App Essay [3]
This and the following statement don't fit with the list that starts with "in lieu of this"
Also, I have no idea what you mean and the cat poop thing is sort of a put off
paradox? oxymoron is like "jumbo shrimp" or "freezer burn"
Also, I wouldn't end by saying a "Here's the lesson:" sort of thing
the fecal matter of specially fed cats turns into a gold mine for entrepreneurs in the cat poop tea industry
This and the following statement don't fit with the list that starts with "in lieu of this"
Also, I have no idea what you mean and the cat poop thing is sort of a put off
essence of the word an oxymoron
paradox? oxymoron is like "jumbo shrimp" or "freezer burn"
Also, I wouldn't end by saying a "Here's the lesson:" sort of thing
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / TRAFFIC JAMS & RULES - UNC Chapel Hill /Solving Problems [3]
society?" Well," I replied, "there are, but people rarely follow them."
even though the law only allows two, and red lights flash in a vain attempt to stop drivers from running them (something like this, it needs rewording)
not sure that "consciousness" is the right word. Conscious implies being awake. You make it seem as if those in Vietnam are asleep at the wheel
in this country?" "Ouch," I think to myself.
this is the right use, but "raise awareness" might sound better
it is not easy to "self-realize"? . However, there is a solution
again, wrong usage
Simply put: no.
society?", "Well", I replied, "we do, but people rarely follow it."
society?" Well," I replied, "there are, but people rarely follow them."
even the law only allow two, and red lights hopelessly stare at drivers running the light all the time
even though the law only allows two, and red lights flash in a vain attempt to stop drivers from running them (something like this, it needs rewording)
"It's consciousness.
not sure that "consciousness" is the right word. Conscious implies being awake. You make it seem as if those in Vietnam are asleep at the wheel
"Are there rules in this country?", "Ouch" I think to myself.
in this country?" "Ouch," I think to myself.
raise conscious in people
this is the right use, but "raise awareness" might sound better
it is not easy to self-realize but there is a solution
it is not easy to "self-realize"? . However, there is a solution
When they have consciousness
again, wrong usage
The answer is: no!
Simply put: no.
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Being intelligent, excited, and eccentric' - Brown Engineering supplement [3]
1) Good start, but many majors allow one to be curious. How has your experience with solving relationships and puzzles led you specifically to science? Math is curious. History is curious. Why are you curious about science?
2) This
seems pretty out of place. If you mention this, then you have to at least explain why your grandmother would be worried.
3) Is this a specific program in their Engineering field? I thought it meant something along the lines of "Biomedical engineering" etc...
1) Good start, but many majors allow one to be curious. How has your experience with solving relationships and puzzles led you specifically to science? Math is curious. History is curious. Why are you curious about science?
2) This
A machine like that would save my grandmother so much worry
seems pretty out of place. If you mention this, then you have to at least explain why your grandmother would be worried.
3) Is this a specific program in their Engineering field? I thought it meant something along the lines of "Biomedical engineering" etc...
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / BENNINGTON/supplement/running list/ short answer [5]
On the wall of Mary American Corner (what's this?), I found a list of colleges that met full financial need. I researched these schools online and decided that Bennington is the best college for me.
I would add Ruhnama by our first president, S. Niyazov. This book represents the basis of my nation's arts and literature as well as Turkmen culture, tradition, and history. Ruhnama would impact the diversity of Bennington and would give a glimpse of what my country is like.
I would like to work with City Hall, as I want to improve my city and country (which city/country?) . As I learned from my visit to Cincinnati City Hall, my country's system must be modified (this is too vague) . I am also interested in Turner Construction Company or the U.S. Green Building Council, as they create green technology buildings which my country lacks.
For your last answer, depending on what country you mean, you need to show how you'll make an impact on America. If you do want to work with Turkey (?), then say something like the knowledge that you gain at Bennington will help you help your country.
On the wall of Mary American Corner (what's this?), I found a list of colleges that met full financial need. I researched these schools online and decided that Bennington is the best college for me.
I would add Ruhnama by our first president, S. Niyazov. This book represents the basis of my nation's arts and literature as well as Turkmen culture, tradition, and history. Ruhnama would impact the diversity of Bennington and would give a glimpse of what my country is like.
I would like to work with City Hall, as I want to improve my city and country (which city/country?) . As I learned from my visit to Cincinnati City Hall, my country's system must be modified (this is too vague) . I am also interested in Turner Construction Company or the U.S. Green Building Council, as they create green technology buildings which my country lacks.
For your last answer, depending on what country you mean, you need to show how you'll make an impact on America. If you do want to work with Turkey (?), then say something like the knowledge that you gain at Bennington will help you help your country.
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / '...since Facebook is blocked in China' - Chicago Short answer #2 Danza Kuduro! [3]
This is different and you're on a good track, but it's way too vague.
You shouldn't assume that your reader knows your background. This story is just an excerpt from the whole story.
The first sentence is good, use it as a way to transition. Also, maybe don't use ALL CAPS, it's a little aggressive, the exclamation point will suffice
This is different and you're on a good track, but it's way too vague.
You shouldn't assume that your reader knows your background. This story is just an excerpt from the whole story.
The first sentence is good, use it as a way to transition. Also, maybe don't use ALL CAPS, it's a little aggressive, the exclamation point will suffice
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Mumbai's Jari Mari Road - Common App Essay [2]
voracious craving doesn't really make sense. Is it just to watch airplanes? If anything, "my voracious watching of airplanes"
Eeek... not sure you should say this. It's a little too harsh
I don't think "subtly superseded" sounds natural, it's a little too forced
You tell a very good story, I like your narrative. Just make sure you present yourself in a good light, you want to reveal your personality without saying you are a "quotidian sufferer of hardships"
voracious craving to watch airplanes.
voracious craving doesn't really make sense. Is it just to watch airplanes? If anything, "my voracious watching of airplanes"
Being a pessimist, I saw myself, a quotidian sufferer of hardships.
Eeek... not sure you should say this. It's a little too harsh
subtly superseded by the humbling learning experience
I don't think "subtly superseded" sounds natural, it's a little too forced
You tell a very good story, I like your narrative. Just make sure you present yourself in a good light, you want to reveal your personality without saying you are a "quotidian sufferer of hardships"
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'brilliant minds in the country' - Duke Pratt School of Engineering [5]
I think your description of the campus isn't necessary/helpful. Everyone falls in love with the architecture, the school spirit, etc. If you want to include this, then say something like "No other prestigious engineering school is quite like Duke, for ____ ____ and ___ reasons."
I think you regress a little with this sentence. You have tried to say all of these reasons why Duke is unique, but then you end with "I want to better peoples lives with engineering." you can do that anywhere. finish your essay with why exactly only Duke is the place for you. you don't want to end with "I want to be an engineer, that's why I'm applying to your engineering school"
I think your description of the campus isn't necessary/helpful. Everyone falls in love with the architecture, the school spirit, etc. If you want to include this, then say something like "No other prestigious engineering school is quite like Duke, for ____ ____ and ___ reasons."
My goal is simple -better the lives of people through engineering by studying at the Pratt School.
I think you regress a little with this sentence. You have tried to say all of these reasons why Duke is unique, but then you end with "I want to better peoples lives with engineering." you can do that anywhere. finish your essay with why exactly only Duke is the place for you. you don't want to end with "I want to be an engineer, that's why I'm applying to your engineering school"
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Scholarship / FLUTE; UT Dallas McDermott Scholarship essay - Why Dallas Museum of Art? [4]
What an odd prompt...
Eeek... the spit is a little too graphic of an image to start out with in my opinion... It's not completely relevant to where you're going with your essay.
With your extra characters, maybe add something about how continuing to be exposed in the arts is valuable in college. How it could supplement your education or something
What an odd prompt...
Eeek... the spit is a little too graphic of an image to start out with in my opinion... It's not completely relevant to where you're going with your essay.
With your extra characters, maybe add something about how continuing to be exposed in the arts is valuable in college. How it could supplement your education or something
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Graduate / SOP-PUBLIC HEALTH and the place called Earth [2]
It would take a long time to fix all of your punctuation, so just know this. You put a space after periods or commas. end of sentence/phrase + period/comma + space + next word
You have a good story to write about. Your reasoning is good, just fix your grammar. If you correct your punctuation, I will read it again. It's just a little hard to read as it is now, haha!
It would take a long time to fix all of your punctuation, so just know this. You put a space after periods or commas. end of sentence/phrase + period/comma + space + next word
What a place the we have called earth (I don't know what you're trying to say here, doesn't make sense) if all mankind lived a healthier life, adopted the precautionary measures rather than the now common curative. I grew up in an environment that had poor hygienic condition. My curiosity as at age five brought me close to healthy living. W hen I was in primary five., I had the chance...
You have a good story to write about. Your reasoning is good, just fix your grammar. If you correct your punctuation, I will read it again. It's just a little hard to read as it is now, haha!
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'becoming involved' - Stepping out of your comfort zone- Villanova [2]
After doing practically nothing after school at the beginning of my freshman year, my mom...
Please don't take offense, I'm merely looking at this from a potential AdCom perspective.
I'm not sure that it's a good image to paint that you 1) didn't take the initiative to find something to do 2) your mom had to force you
While this is about getting out of your comfort zone, maybe focus only a little bit on being pushed outside of your czone and more about what it taught you. You apparently have accomplished a lot since joining that one club. You don't come off so great after reading your first paragraph. While you have done a lot, you're not doing any favors by starting out with saying you were lazy and your mom had to get you to stop.
After coming home from school and doing practically nothing at the beginning of my freshman year,
After doing practically nothing after school at the beginning of my freshman year, my mom...
Please don't take offense, I'm merely looking at this from a potential AdCom perspective.
I'm not sure that it's a good image to paint that you 1) didn't take the initiative to find something to do 2) your mom had to force you
While this is about getting out of your comfort zone, maybe focus only a little bit on being pushed outside of your czone and more about what it taught you. You apparently have accomplished a lot since joining that one club. You don't come off so great after reading your first paragraph. While you have done a lot, you're not doing any favors by starting out with saying you were lazy and your mom had to get you to stop.
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Scientific exploration' - CalTech supplement essay [5]
Quite a few people ponder the meaning of life (or have pondered)
with my life?"
I think you really need to specify some difference between "what's the purpose of life" and "what can I do with my life?" Essentially, you could say that the purpose of life is to make the world a better place and what you can do with your life is make the world a better place. I don't really see a difference in the two ideas. If you really want to push this fact, I think you should spend some time developing a clear separation between the two
Quite a few people repeatedly ponder the meaning of life
Quite a few people ponder the meaning of life (or have pondered)
"What can I do with my life?".
with my life?"
I think you really need to specify some difference between "what's the purpose of life" and "what can I do with my life?" Essentially, you could say that the purpose of life is to make the world a better place and what you can do with your life is make the world a better place. I don't really see a difference in the two ideas. If you really want to push this fact, I think you should spend some time developing a clear separation between the two
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Intellectual individuality/open curriculum ; Brown /Architect of your education [3]
You list a lot of majors and concentrations here, it doesn't really speak to you. If you want to say what you could study, only spend a sentence or two on that. You can simply say "from majoring in _____ and _____ to exploring my interests in ___, ____, and ____, Brown's open curriculum allows me the freedom to combine my interests"
You list a lot of majors and concentrations here, it doesn't really speak to you. If you want to say what you could study, only spend a sentence or two on that. You can simply say "from majoring in _____ and _____ to exploring my interests in ___, ____, and ____, Brown's open curriculum allows me the freedom to combine my interests"
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / At Brown I will take all decisions by myself about my studies / Being the architect [3]
in high school
Others used to decide my courseload (?), but not anymore
There really was no choosing, my classes were based on a third party's decision
However, later that week when I spoke to my teacher about my classes and my current predicament, he told me that all AP classes are open to anyone.
I would speak more about Brown a little. It almost seems as if you are placing blame on a third party for not having a heavy courseload (I know you mean well, but I think it will come off this way in the AdCom's eyes). I was in the same position where I thought my guidance counselor knew best, but now I have a less rigorous courseload compared to my competition. However, we both [technically[/i] had the options to take a bunch of APs... Regardless, focus on the positive of Brown not entirely on the past :)
in l high school
in high school
I have others decide my work for me but not anymore
Others used to decide my courseload (?), but not anymore
There really was no choosing, my choose of classes were based on a third party's decision
There really was no choosing, my classes were based on a third party's decision
Later that week I got into a conversation with a teacher about my classes for the next year. When I told him about the predicament he told me that all AP classes are open enrolment and if I wanted to I can take that course, even if my guidance advise me otherwise
However, later that week when I spoke to my teacher about my classes and my current predicament, he told me that all AP classes are open to anyone.
I would speak more about Brown a little. It almost seems as if you are placing blame on a third party for not having a heavy courseload (I know you mean well, but I think it will come off this way in the AdCom's eyes). I was in the same position where I thought my guidance counselor knew best, but now I have a less rigorous courseload compared to my competition. However, we both [technically[/i] had the options to take a bunch of APs... Regardless, focus on the positive of Brown not entirely on the past :)
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / I chose to tell the truth; CAL TECH/ Ethical Dilemma [2]
Interesting...
It's pretty risky to say "I almost lied to you, but I didn't." For some reason I feel like they wouldn't welcome the idea that there's absolutely no way for them to fact check all the applications, that's almost a little insulting. I'm not sure, but in my opinion it's pretty risky to even suggest that you almost took advantage of them
It's written decently, no glaring errors. However, if you can think of an ethical dilemma in which you were a mediator, that would be ideal. I know it's hard to think of one, but situations in which you stepped up to set an ethical-wrong right or cases in which you were a mediator are more preferable than "I considered cheating to get into your school."
I don't mean to be harsh, I'm just saying it's pretty darn risky
Interesting...
It's pretty risky to say "I almost lied to you, but I didn't." For some reason I feel like they wouldn't welcome the idea that there's absolutely no way for them to fact check all the applications, that's almost a little insulting. I'm not sure, but in my opinion it's pretty risky to even suggest that you almost took advantage of them
It's written decently, no glaring errors. However, if you can think of an ethical dilemma in which you were a mediator, that would be ideal. I know it's hard to think of one, but situations in which you stepped up to set an ethical-wrong right or cases in which you were a mediator are more preferable than "I considered cheating to get into your school."
I don't mean to be harsh, I'm just saying it's pretty darn risky
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Marketing and public relations; Emerson Supp/ What influenced to choose my major [3]
You make a good point, but it almost seems as if you're saying the impact of Facebook and Twitter is bad. You say things like "ridicule" and mention laws that "rule us," but then you say that you're fascinated how ads can sway people's opinion.
I think you should close this gap and clarify your stance on the media
You make a good point, but it almost seems as if you're saying the impact of Facebook and Twitter is bad. You say things like "ridicule" and mention laws that "rule us," but then you say that you're fascinated how ads can sway people's opinion.
I think you should close this gap and clarify your stance on the media
katev
Jan 2, 2013
Scholarship / FLUTE; UT Dallas McDermott Scholarship essay - Why Dallas Museum of Art? [4]
Maybe, if anything, just take out "spit flies onto the floor"
Maybe, if anything, just take out "spit flies onto the floor"
katev
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Getting back on feet' - U Colorado/ Enrich community [5]
Rather than saying "I'm good because of ___, ___, and ____." I would start off with your story. By answering the question in the first few lines, you don't really separate yourself from other writers. Anyone can say "I like to talk to people no matter what they look like." But not everyone can tell the same story.
I also agree that this sounds "braggy." You make it sound like you would benefit the community because you would grace people with your conversations and friendship no matter their ethnicity.
I was raised by a single mother in a (not so great) community. There were times when my three sisters, my mother, and I were virtually homeless, as we were rotating living with different friends and family members.
Despite my (hard upbringing) , I am grateful for my hardships because they have made me the optimistic person I am today.
You clearly have a lot to bring to Boulder, but, as others have mentioned, you don't go about detailing this in the best way possible. I also agree that you should break up your text, it's very hard to read in one chunk
I would be able to enrich the diverse and inclusive community at the University of Colorado at Boulder because I am the type of person to initiate a conversation, establish a friendship, and intermingle with others regardless of their ethnicity. These are some personal qualities of mine that were shaped during my early childhood and interactions with others in my school community.
Rather than saying "I'm good because of ___, ___, and ____." I would start off with your story. By answering the question in the first few lines, you don't really separate yourself from other writers. Anyone can say "I like to talk to people no matter what they look like." But not everyone can tell the same story.
I also agree that this sounds "braggy." You make it sound like you would benefit the community because you would grace people with your conversations and friendship no matter their ethnicity.
I was raised solely by my mother in a community I 'd rather not live in but can't complain about because there were times when me, my mom, and three older sisters were virtually homeless and had to live with friends and other family members, until my mom received government assistance and was finally able to back on her feet.
I was raised by a single mother in a (not so great) community. There were times when my three sisters, my mother, and I were virtually homeless, as we were rotating living with different friends and family members.
Nonetheless, I am grateful for my difficulties and hardships because they have made me the optimistic and humble (there are ways to say you're humble without saying humble, as this is sort of counterintuitive) person that I am today. Ultimately that's what sets me apart from the rest of the crowd. I never let my difficulties and hardships get the better of me.
Despite my (hard upbringing) , I am grateful for my hardships because they have made me the optimistic person I am today.
You clearly have a lot to bring to Boulder, but, as others have mentioned, you don't go about detailing this in the best way possible. I also agree that you should break up your text, it's very hard to read in one chunk
katev
Jan 10, 2013
Book Reports / Punctuation of Life of Pi essay; Denison supp [4]
How should I punctuate the ending?
Life of Pi by Yann Martel details the story of young Pi Patel, who is stranded in the middle of the Pacific with a Bengal tiger. After his journey, Pi has an interview with reporters who doubt his story. He gives these skeptics an option of which story to report. Either choose his story in which he survived 227 days on a raft with wild animals, or choose a more basic story in which these animals are replaced with humans.
The reader learns that this is not a choice between animals and humans, but a choice between a "dry, yeastless factuality" and a challenge of one's faith. In both reports the ending is the same, so, as Pi argues, why not choose the inspiring and exciting story? It was this unique perspective that challenged me. I realized that we are all capable of creating both a simple story and an inspiring story, each with the same ending, so why not live the inspiring one? The life of Pi Patel has challenged me to choose the "the better story;" the better life. (I want this to have a certain pause for a certain impact, how should I punctuate it?)
The prompt is to discuss a book with a significant impact on me, so I want to show how this was impactful by punctuating it correctly
How should I punctuate the ending?
Life of Pi by Yann Martel details the story of young Pi Patel, who is stranded in the middle of the Pacific with a Bengal tiger. After his journey, Pi has an interview with reporters who doubt his story. He gives these skeptics an option of which story to report. Either choose his story in which he survived 227 days on a raft with wild animals, or choose a more basic story in which these animals are replaced with humans.
The reader learns that this is not a choice between animals and humans, but a choice between a "dry, yeastless factuality" and a challenge of one's faith. In both reports the ending is the same, so, as Pi argues, why not choose the inspiring and exciting story? It was this unique perspective that challenged me. I realized that we are all capable of creating both a simple story and an inspiring story, each with the same ending, so why not live the inspiring one? The life of Pi Patel has challenged me to choose the "the better story;" the better life. (I want this to have a certain pause for a certain impact, how should I punctuate it?)
The prompt is to discuss a book with a significant impact on me, so I want to show how this was impactful by punctuating it correctly
katev
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / "God has a plan for us" - I had to move from Virginia to Arizona, I left my comfort zone [2]
11 years old
I had faith that what they said was true
leaving my comfort zone, I...
It's good! You have a good experience to talk about, so maybe just spend a little more time discussing your actual time outside of your comfort zone
11 years
11 years old
I knew that what they said is the truth
I had faith that what they said was true
leaving my "comfort zone," I
leaving my comfort zone, I...
It's good! You have a good experience to talk about, so maybe just spend a little more time discussing your actual time outside of your comfort zone
katev
Jan 10, 2013
Book Reports / Punctuation of Life of Pi essay; Denison supp [4]
So:
The life of Pi Patel has challenged me to choose the better story." The better life.
?
So:
The life of Pi Patel has challenged me to choose the better story." The better life.
?
katev
Jan 12, 2013
Undergraduate / CULTURAL HISTORY; Denison - Personal experience with diversity [2]
Denison values diversity in our college community. Please describe a personal experience that you have had with diversity, and tell us how it might inform your college experience. 500 characters. I'm at 877 characters currently. I don't know where to cut down, it's such a small limit! (Also, I know I say "culture" too much, trying to change it)
While there are a few cultural pieces lying around my home, my cultural background is not very prevalent. In fact, making my grandmother's Swedish meatballs is about as much as our family embraces our muddled heritage. It is this lack of a glaring cultural background, however, that has led me to search for more answers. I'll pester my father about our family crests or our Dutch heritage. My never-failing curiosity has led me to collect generations worth of cultural history.
I have found a fascination with the cultural history that I can discover through exploring diversity. Whether it is in opinions or cultures, I believe that everyone has their own form of diversity. Just by learning about the people who have shared my last name, I have come to love to explore diversity. I hope to continue my reaching out to diversity throughout my four years at Denison University.
**I have bolded the words/parts that aren't quite right or are too repetitive. Can anyone help me with this?
Denison values diversity in our college community. Please describe a personal experience that you have had with diversity, and tell us how it might inform your college experience. 500 characters. I'm at 877 characters currently. I don't know where to cut down, it's such a small limit! (Also, I know I say "culture" too much, trying to change it)
While there are a few cultural pieces lying around my home, my cultural background is not very prevalent. In fact, making my grandmother's Swedish meatballs is about as much as our family embraces our muddled heritage. It is this lack of a glaring cultural background, however, that has led me to search for more answers. I'll pester my father about our family crests or our Dutch heritage. My never-failing curiosity has led me to collect generations worth of cultural history.
I have found a fascination with the cultural history that I can discover through exploring diversity. Whether it is in opinions or cultures, I believe that everyone has their own form of diversity. Just by learning about the people who have shared my last name, I have come to love to explore diversity. I hope to continue my reaching out to diversity throughout my four years at Denison University.
**I have bolded the words/parts that aren't quite right or are too repetitive. Can anyone help me with this?
katev
Jan 12, 2013
Undergraduate / CULTURAL HISTORY; Denison - Personal experience with diversity [2]
Update: 716 characters (not including possible additional sentence)
My cultural background is not very prevalent. In fact, making my grandmother's Swedish meatballs is about as much as our family embraces our muddled heritage. It is this lack of a glaring cultural background, however, that has led me to search for more answers. I'll pester my father about our family crests or our Dutch heritage. My never-failing curiosity has led me to collect generations worth of cultural history.
Whether it is in cultures or opinions, I believe that everyone has their own form of diversity. Just by learning about the people who have shared my last name, I have come to love to explore diversity. I hope to continue my reaching out to diversity throughout my four years at Denison University.
**I want to include this sentence**: I have been learning all about my family history for years and I hope to learn about my fellow Denisonites for four years.
Update: 716 characters (not including possible additional sentence)
My cultural background is not very prevalent. In fact, making my grandmother's Swedish meatballs is about as much as our family embraces our muddled heritage. It is this lack of a glaring cultural background, however, that has led me to search for more answers. I'll pester my father about our family crests or our Dutch heritage. My never-failing curiosity has led me to collect generations worth of cultural history.
Whether it is in cultures or opinions, I believe that everyone has their own form of diversity. Just by learning about the people who have shared my last name, I have come to love to explore diversity. I hope to continue my reaching out to diversity throughout my four years at Denison University.
**I want to include this sentence**: I have been learning all about my family history for years and I hope to learn about my fellow Denisonites for four years.
katev
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Small size/ Community/ Learning Opportunities/Safety/ Movies; Why Denison? [3]
Write 1-2 paragraphs briefly describing your reasons for applying to Denison. 1000 characters
This is a work in progress. As I try to trim this down by about 1,000 characters, does anyone have any suggestions? These are just the main points I want to include, so it might be repetitive.
I love the positive, chummy, unique, and intimate community that comes from Denison's small size. Denison offers its students a sense of belonging and acceptance. The close academic community really feels like family. The academics that are available to students are unprecedented because of Denison's size. The small classes mean that students can forge close relationships with their professors. Lecture halls that seat 30 people, shows that you can know your teachers. When you can connect with your professors and they understand where you're coming from, they can relate to you and you can learn better.
When you can invite a professor to a play or a concert or they offer to host your class at their own home, you know that your professors really care to know you. When you can connect with someone who offers such an exceptionally wonderful education with such great academic opportunities, you know that that is a great college.
The learning opportunities that are available because everyone lives on campus is another great feature. Students choose to spend their time on campus, from hanging out in the commons to roaming the extremely safe campus, students love Denison. It's a unique academic experience to be able to learn from your peers at all times.
With its extremely safe campus, 24-hour access to computers, and fantastic resources like the Mitchell Center, clearly Denison loves its students as seen its great resources. Outside of the wonderful campus of Denison lies the beautiful and quant city of Granville. With the huge cultural hub of Columbus just 25 minutes away and the fantastic city of Granville lying outside Denison, Denison is the perfect combination.
It is also clear to me that Denison is concerned with more than just great academics. From the plays available at Ace Morgan Theater to the movies that the film society brings to concerts presented in Slayter Union, Denison brings countless opportunities to the campus. An extremely safe campus, with 24-hour access to computers and resources like the Mitchell Center, Denison really provides for its students. From the Denison Internship Program to the plethora of leadership opportunities such as LeaderShape, the opportunities to gain experience for real life while still at Denison are outstanding.
Write 1-2 paragraphs briefly describing your reasons for applying to Denison. 1000 characters
This is a work in progress. As I try to trim this down by about 1,000 characters, does anyone have any suggestions? These are just the main points I want to include, so it might be repetitive.
I love the positive, chummy, unique, and intimate community that comes from Denison's small size. Denison offers its students a sense of belonging and acceptance. The close academic community really feels like family. The academics that are available to students are unprecedented because of Denison's size. The small classes mean that students can forge close relationships with their professors. Lecture halls that seat 30 people, shows that you can know your teachers. When you can connect with your professors and they understand where you're coming from, they can relate to you and you can learn better.
When you can invite a professor to a play or a concert or they offer to host your class at their own home, you know that your professors really care to know you. When you can connect with someone who offers such an exceptionally wonderful education with such great academic opportunities, you know that that is a great college.
The learning opportunities that are available because everyone lives on campus is another great feature. Students choose to spend their time on campus, from hanging out in the commons to roaming the extremely safe campus, students love Denison. It's a unique academic experience to be able to learn from your peers at all times.
With its extremely safe campus, 24-hour access to computers, and fantastic resources like the Mitchell Center, clearly Denison loves its students as seen its great resources. Outside of the wonderful campus of Denison lies the beautiful and quant city of Granville. With the huge cultural hub of Columbus just 25 minutes away and the fantastic city of Granville lying outside Denison, Denison is the perfect combination.
It is also clear to me that Denison is concerned with more than just great academics. From the plays available at Ace Morgan Theater to the movies that the film society brings to concerts presented in Slayter Union, Denison brings countless opportunities to the campus. An extremely safe campus, with 24-hour access to computers and resources like the Mitchell Center, Denison really provides for its students. From the Denison Internship Program to the plethora of leadership opportunities such as LeaderShape, the opportunities to gain experience for real life while still at Denison are outstanding.
katev
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Small size/ Community/ Learning Opportunities/Safety/ Movies; Why Denison? [3]
These are also some other points that I'd like to include froom their mission statement:
* Interactive, highly interdisciplinary approach to teaching and learning
* a commitment to a learning community
* I would have the chance to learn from top scholars with some of the best training in the world, & from fellow students who bring to the college a diverse set of life experiences. dynamic learning environment
These are also some other points that I'd like to include froom their mission statement:
* Interactive, highly interdisciplinary approach to teaching and learning
* a commitment to a learning community
* I would have the chance to learn from top scholars with some of the best training in the world, & from fellow students who bring to the college a diverse set of life experiences. dynamic learning environment
katev
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Shyness and the Germans; Common App- Activity Expansion [4]
I have always been shy, or so I have told myself.
As I have been this way for a large portion of my life, I have become comfortable with this fact.
Originally, my motive for learning the language was the "coolness factor" associated with (bilingualism?) (unless you speak many languages).
(you need to talk about your experience prior to trying to speak German)
It wasn't until I decided to try speaking the language that I began to understand.
I don't exactly see the connection between your shyness and German. I can see where you're trying to go, but you don't describe it well.
I have always been shy, or, so I'd told myself
I have always been shy, or so I have told myself.
I'd stayed this way for a large portion of my life, abroad and at home, and been comfortable with it.
As I have been this way for a large portion of my life, I have become comfortable with this fact.
I admit; my original motive to learning was the "Coolness factor" associated with Polyglotism. So I tried and tried my what I thought was my hardest to learn German.
Originally, my motive for learning the language was the "coolness factor" associated with (bilingualism?) (unless you speak many languages).
Nothing. Not until I came across an idea to Speak German.
(you need to talk about your experience prior to trying to speak German)
It wasn't until I decided to try speaking the language that I began to understand.
I don't exactly see the connection between your shyness and German. I can see where you're trying to go, but you don't describe it well.
katev
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Shyness and the Germans; Common App- Activity Expansion [4]
I might consider going a couple of different routes in your format and then choose the clearest.
You could go with something like "I have been shy all of my life. For the most part, this shyness has never restricted me/held me back. However, in my pursuit of the German language, I found my shyness to be a factor that (held me back). [Then go on to describe shy/German experience]
I might consider going a couple of different routes in your format and then choose the clearest.
You could go with something like "I have been shy all of my life. For the most part, this shyness has never restricted me/held me back. However, in my pursuit of the German language, I found my shyness to be a factor that (held me back). [Then go on to describe shy/German experience]
katev
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Gazing @ Stars; Bryn Mawr - Educational Experience [4]
Sounds a little too convoluted with the synonyms. "watching the night's performance of flashing lights ...
this doesn't really make sense. It sounds like you were trying to create shapes from the stars, but that is not what you later describe
It is really short if they say "a page." To include more, you definitely could talk more about Bryn Mawr. I could replace "Bryn Mawr" with "college" and it would make sense. What separates college from high school is that people make the conscious choice to go to college. Therefore, you will undoubtedly find people who want to learn while you're at college. Why Bryn Mawr? There should be something specific in our essay about why you chose Bryn Mawr if you want to stand out amongst the thousands.
spectating the nightfall's performance of flashing lights and trying to make sense of her celestial connect-the-dots
Sounds a little too convoluted with the synonyms. "watching the night's performance of flashing lights ...
trying to make sense of her celestial connect-the-dots
this doesn't really make sense. It sounds like you were trying to create shapes from the stars, but that is not what you later describe
It is really short if they say "a page." To include more, you definitely could talk more about Bryn Mawr. I could replace "Bryn Mawr" with "college" and it would make sense. What separates college from high school is that people make the conscious choice to go to college. Therefore, you will undoubtedly find people who want to learn while you're at college. Why Bryn Mawr? There should be something specific in our essay about why you chose Bryn Mawr if you want to stand out amongst the thousands.
