Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by mzontario [Suspended]
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Dec 29, 2012
Threads: 9
Posts: 43  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 52 / page 1 of 2
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
mzontario   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Love for writing/ Gap year/ Journalism [9]

zdv
A socially awkward person; someone who does not always know how to open or carry a conversation

Weird use of a semi - colon.

I agree with Alice, the conclusion was a bit random

Also, how did you overcome your awkwardness. Give a few examples - you confidently made friends, etc. Be specific in the positive outcomes. : )

Other than that, great!
mzontario   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Breathtaking campus of medium size ; Columbia Sup/ Why Columbia? [4]

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.

There is not one thing that draws me to Columbia, but many.

Columbia's breathtaking campus is small enough to not feel lost in the crowd, yet large enough to meet unique people and explore NYC, from the Underbelly Project to Fort Tryon Park. From dollar pizza in Times Square to Upper East Side restaurants, and unique internships to city-wide opportunities, Columbia and its surroundings allows for a liberating balance in life.

Columbia's World Leaders Forum is something unique to the university that I find particularly inviting. As a student interested in local and global change, I can witness issues that matter to me being brought to the forefront of discussion by the world's most influential leaders and meet others who are passionate about similar causes.

Having always dreamed of writing for a university publication, I hope to draw upon my writing abilities and business background to write for Columbia Daily Spectator or the Columbia Economics Review. In addition, with my passion for social equity, especially in the LGBTQ community, I aspire to pursue my education in Columbia's open environment.

Last, at Columbia, the diversity of the Core Curriculum allows me to receive a strong liberal arts education paired with a focus in business. To balance the stressful academics, exciting traditions such as the 40s on 40s are always available to let loose. I want to attend a university that dreams as big as I do, and if my resume does not reflect that, let me show you in person.

For applicants to Columbia College, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Application Data section. If you are currently undecided, please write about any field or fields in which you may have an interest.

Ever since I could remember, I had a passion and intention to study business. I grew up surrounded by computer screens decorated with red and green numbers and jagged lines. Turns out, my dad was an avid stock trader, and I became a twelve year old who explained bonds and dividends to anyone who would listen.

When I enrolled into a business magnet school and began to take courses in marketing, finance, and entrepreneurship, the intricate workings of the global economy interested me and my love for business grew. SWOT analyses and equity statements felt pedestrian and writing business plans and participating in ventures became the norm.

In my freshman year, I joined DECA, a case-study based business competition, and my enthusiasm for business became a passion which now drives my career path. DECA helped me realize that business is not merely memorizing information but also being able to effectively communicate an idea. After travelling across Europe and Asia and emerging myself in the richness of culture and diversity, I developed a liking for global studies and decided to combine both my interests into a career in international business.

My upbringing, education, and DECA experience have all transformed my outlook on my future and my life. At Columbia College, I hope to specialize in business and through Columbia's diverse undergraduate curriculum and Study Abroad Programs, I am confident I will gain the skills and character necessary to lead a global company in the future.
mzontario   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I am the elected President of PBC; Common App - Youth can make a difference [4]

"Thank you and please, put students first." Managing a shy smile, I sat back down, exhaling a huge sigh of relief as I rubbed off the sweat on my palms on the pale champagne colored table cloth. I was never good with public speaking. Although I had little trouble being vocal with friends, speaking in front of a crowd was completely different. Now, one can imagine my apprehension with speaking in a room full of politicians and reporters at Toronto's Ontario Legislative Building. How did I get into this situation? It all began sophomore year.

'You will not be taken seriously. You must wait until you grow up. You are not capable.' But I really wanted to help; I was searching for an opportunity, an issue to tackle or someone to assist, and yet I was told by teachers that, as a high school student, I can't lead until I'm older.

In Grade 10, I, along with my fellow student senators, advised the two Student Trustees elected to represent the students of the Peel District School Board. Before long, the new year approached and the time to elect the next year's Student Trustees drew near. At first, the thought of running for the position did not even cross my mind. However, with the encouragement of friends and family, I decided to step out of my comfort zone. After two months of submitting resumes, sitting through interviews, and campaigning against 16 students across three cities, I was called through the intercom to the principal's office and was told that, I won.

Beginning my role was nerve wracking. There seemed to be doubt everywhere, especially from my teachers. The idea that students, let alone one, can actually initiate change seemed foreign. Having my spirit and initiative cut by adults was daunting, yet, the feelings of being told I was inadequate because of my age made me realize the need for youth to make a difference. Determined to prove everyone wrong, I remained confident and began the year with three goals - address environmental concerns, promote equity within schools, and most importantly, represent the students I was elected to serve.

By the end of my junior year, I was taken back by/shocked what a difference a student could make. With the support of my co - trustee as well as the adult trustees on the board, I represented 150,000 students in acting and speaking out on issues critical to the student population in the [school board], from special education to healthy food in cafeterias. I spearheaded a paperless Board Office, saving $20,000 annually, making a significant environmental and financial impact, collected over 2,000 signatures in support of Bill 13, Ontario's first anti - bullying legislation, and planned a district wide Day of Pink in the fight against bullying, discrimination, homophobia, and transphobia. In addition, as a General Assembly member of the Ontario Student Trustees' Association (OSTA), the largest student-facilitated organization comprised of all the Ontario Student Trustees, I became a part of a group dedicated to representing student voice on both local and provincial issues, encouraging student presence at affiliated stakeholder meetings. Through OSTA, I met student leaders like myself who shared a mutual sense of understanding that youth can, and will, make a difference.

At the end of my first term, I realized that initiating change did not have to be on a large scale. Often, the real empowerment begins not with the Ministry of Education, student senates, or student councils but rather, with students themselves. Motivated to address issues at a grassroot level, I ran for re - election and won, becoming the first two - term Student Trustee of the Peel District School Board.

Currently three months into my second term, I am the elected President of the Public Board Council (PBC) of OSTA and represent over 1.2 million Ontario public students. To engage as many students as possible, I began taking time to visit various schools across the district and listen to exactly what students, especially those who are not as vocal, have to say. Although this communication was beneficial, I had minimal ways to reach out to students all across Ontario. Thus, the first provincial wide initiative I took on as President was to provide a method of two-way communication between OSTA and Ontario students. After hours of discussion with public Student Trustees, we decided to launch the Ontario Student Voice Forum, a forum-based website where students can anonymously discuss various issues in education. Many spoke out about their loss of ex
mzontario   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / My grandmother; Common application essay; I have learned many things. [3]

First, she witnessed at an arm's reach how her father was murdered in a mugging, how, due to the illiteracy of her family, she saw crooked lawyers trick her mother into taking a magnificent ranch, and have her baby brother die in a pool

She witnessed at arm's reach her father's murder in a mugging, the corruption of lawyers who took advantage of her mother's illiteracy, and the death of her baby brother in a pool.

On THE contrary,
'she made sure her children obtain a better quality of life' - example?

She has always been there for me to congratulate me for my achievements and correct me from my mistakes.
^ a bit random

You used the word resilient / resilience twice. Try to find another.

Very captivating story.

:)

Check out my essays?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / My role model is my father; University of Michigan / Unique qualities [4]

Good but why are words like Math and Accounting always caps?

To be honest, I do not only desire to go to the University of Michigan to get a degree in Actuarial and Financial Mathematics,

Don't say 'to be honest.'

my life will be positively changed forever
^ Kind of cheesy.
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / GRANDFATHER - my first teacher - person who influenced me [9]

I still remember how very eagerly as a child I would look forward to my summer vacation. For me, two months of summer holidays would mean our trip to grandpa's house and endless hours of learning daily.

Be a little bit more specific in what your grandfather taught you. Recount a specific anecdote.

To make it longer, maybe divide it into past and present. How when you were younger, you liked hearing his stories, but it was only when you got older that you realized how deep and insightful his lessons really were.

Good idea - just tailor it more.

Help with mine?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / "Integrated Learning Major" ;Syracuse U Supp/ Who or what influenced applying? [4]

This is great!

Unique answers that showed who you are for sure.

Something I had gained from my work experience was a confirmation of a strength I had presumed would serve me well at Kumon Midtown East: Reading and Math center. This quality was my curiosity and drive to learn new things.

Try to make it so that you're not rephrasing the question to begin your answer.

Maybe: As a tutor at Kumon ___________, I developed a curiosity and drive to learn new things.
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Want to help children become confident; BOSTON COLLEGE SUPP: Service to Others [5]

producing massive results.

producing is a weird, technical term.

Also, when drawing upon your volunteering experiences, try to be more detailed, even if it means just writing where you volunteered and what you did.

he diverse range of domestic and international service programs offered at Boston would allow me to actively engage in my community and use my influence to assist others.

programs SUCH AS _______.

It's one thing to know that these programs exist but it's a huge advantage if you can name specifics. Show that you genuinely care about attending the school.

Overall, great job!

Check my essays out?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / College of Human Ecology (HBHS Major) - CORNELL SUPPLEMENT [4]

This is really great! perhaps one of the best essays I've read on here. :)

Excellent personal narrative / experience. It shows that you know a lot about the school as well.

Good job!

Check out my essays?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / change is good; William and Mary /type of person [4]

I liked everything except the beginning. It was almost a bit TOO honest, yknow.

Apart from being a positive and cheerful person, I never liked to try new things; it just scared the gibbers out of me. I would always fear "what if this happened" or "what if that happened". I never liked change. But as a New Year approaches, I have realized that it's time to change my attitude, and it's strange how it took a college essay to understand what I have been missing. It's time to throw away some old rule books, and start taking risks in more things in life.

Don't outright state you don't like to try new things - universities like adaptable and risk taking students.

Saying something along the lines of, I've always been hesitant to try new things in fear of the many 'what if' situations. However, as he new year approaches ...

Other than that, it sounds good.

Please check my essays out?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / 'An Unexpected Journey and Winning the Green Card' Common Application [33]

The eyes flowing in the beginning is a bit ambiguous. Flowing on what? The cover that you mentioned? The book?

Back ON American soil.

Why did you put ' 's around freshman year?

All the plans I had for university came to a halt --though in my eyes, postponed.
^Postponed and halt are kind of the same. Were you trying to say 'ruined?"

Overall good essay, though.

Check mine out?
mzontario   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Hunting the Hidden ; Columbia Supp- "what you found interesting..." [2]

Fractals: Hunting the Hidden Dimension, is a movie far from the works of Walt Disney. I'd first watched as a result of an interesting newspaper article. "Hey, Mr. Kohm," I murmured as I stumbled into his office (he is the AP of math at my school).

Disney allusion was a bit odd. Second sentence is too short and abrupt.

You described your interaction with your teacher in a little bit too much detail ... it took up nearly half your answer. Cut it down and talk more about the actual video itself.
mzontario   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / I am drawn to international economics; UPenn App/ Engaging academically @ Upenn [2]

Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (300 words)


I see no limits in the academic opportunities ahead of me at the Wharton School. At Wharton, the wide-ranging selection of courses investigates every crevice of business and its multi-faceted undergraduate curriculum allows me to explore the academic interests of my choice. As an immigrant, I am drawn to international economics, specifically the rapid expansion of economy in China, my native country. I hope to conduct research, for example, to examine potential correlation between the surge in middle class wealth in China and the one-child policy. Valuable facilities such as the Penn Institute for Economic Research will accommodate and foster these aspirations.

Leadership is a critical component for success not only in the workplace, but in life. Through Wharton Leadership Ventures, Management 100, and the Undergraduate Leadership Forum, I can flourish with likeminded students beyond business related projects and truly learn the meaning of leadership, communication, and trust through unconventional experiences like whitewater rafting and hiking expeditions. At Wharton, I can step outside my comfort zone and continue to develop as a leader, and as a person.

Most importantly, the education I gain at Wharton is not limited to a future in business. The skills to network, collaborate with others, and manage a team are applicable in any career aspiration. As someone interested in pursuing a MBA or attending law school, Wharton's flexible education prepares me for both.

Overall, Wharton is an institution where I can flourish with students and faculty alike who are equally passionate about making an impact. By exposing myself to a full spectrum of available resources, the Wharton undergraduate program will improve my analytical capacity and literacy in business, as well as prepare me for a career in international business through an intellectual and dynamic environment.
mzontario   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Admin Officer/ Neuroscience/ courses/ Sudan/Something you are Proud about/Brown Supp [3]

In my hunt to find the Ivy League school that I would flourish in
^ That sounds a bit pretentious. It kind if comes off as I WOULD ONLY FLOURISH IN IVY LEAGUE.

The brain is one of components of the body that human kind least knows about.
^ The brain is one component of the body that humans know little about.

In the standard core curriculum, everyone has to take certain introductory courses whether they like it or not.
^ Take out the 'whether they like it or not.' Sounds like they're not holding a gun to your head.

I felt like I truly belonged when I unlocked the chest and held up the diamond prize in front of two hundred fellow student leaders acknowledging the effort I put into solving the elaborate puzzle.

^ Very vague.

Overall, good ideas but you can definitely combine a couple of ideas and make them more concise - especially for the communities question.
mzontario   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Minor in economics; Duke - Why Duke Arts and Science? [2]

(For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

As someone who aspires to pursue a career in international diplomacy, I hope to enroll in Duke's International Comparative Studies (ICS) program and pursue a minor in economics. The ICS program is one of its kind and allows me to develop a strong foundation in global studies, which is crucial in understanding the ever -changing state of our world and economy. Having travelled across Europe and Asia at a young age, I have experienced first-hand the cultural and political differences that exist between borders and with my experience, I can actively contribute and engage in course discussions. Duke's multi-faceted FOCUS program enables me to explore unconventional disciplines not offered at other universities and I am particularly interested in the Ethics, Leadership & Global Citizenship and Modeling in Economic & Social Sciences courses. Most importantly, Duke's study abroad program provides an excellent opportunity, both academic and social, to become engaged in a global setting and experience the cultural, historical, and political topics covered in class.

Socially, I love Duke's 'work hard, play hard' environment. A school's sense of pride and community plays a crucial part in one's undergraduate experience and Duke is no short of school spirit with its superior academics and incredible athletics. Specifically, I find Duke's Greek life inviting. In a sorority, I can not only experience fun and excitement, but develop a close knit support system of like-minded students and alumni as well. From academic support and community service to leadership opportunities and life-long friendships, if accepted, Greek life will be a highlight of my undergraduate experience at Duke. Overall, Duke is the one institution where I can learn under the best minds of the country and flourish with students who are equally passionate about making an impact with their education. By exposing myself to a full spectrum of available resources, the Duke undergraduate program will prepare me for a career in international studies through an intellectual and dynamic environment.
mzontario   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / My three week family trip to China; Stanford App/ intellectual vitality [3]

Your entire essay idea was good and the narrative was fine, but there is a lot of random information that you didn't connect together and it felt as though you were telling an interesting story and just picked a random thing to tie it together at the end.

For example, it was nice that you recalled the Facebook block and the poverty that you witnessed, but it doesn't relate to your language fluency.
mzontario   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / "Is that a deal?"; Columbia U; Personal experience [2]

You had a couple of run on sentences.

My immigrant parents, true businessman at heart, finds themselves with a strange deficiency for the language called English, and therefore was incapable to carry out their business ambitions.

Immigrant parents = plural.
Business man = singular.
Make sure your words match.

I HOPE, not I HOPES.

Overall, good essay. Just be wary of grammar mistakes. : )
mzontario   
Dec 24, 2012
Undergraduate / Disabilities - UNC @ Chapel Hill - What problem am I trying to solve? [3]

5. Carolina encourages students and faculty to solve problems. What problem are you trying to solve, and why is it important to you? (approximately 500 words)

Any feedback is appreciated!

--

The stigma that surrounds mental disorders has always been present. Like many, I previously thought that 'disability' was equivalent to 'dysfunction,' however my experience with YNOT changed my perception and understanding of an entire group present and prominent within society - individuals with mental disabilities.

As a swim instructor at my local YMCA, my work with YNOT consisted of providing swimming lessons for children with mental disorders. The conditions of the children in my class varied, from ADHD to cerebral palsy. Having not grown up around any disabled children, I was nervous and had no idea what to expect.

The group I worked with completely changed my perspective. They were ready to learn, get involved, and above all, belong to something that would otherwise be unavailable to them. As time passed, I had the opportunity to learn more about these kids. Although I had come to love these kids with no second thought of their disabilities, I listened as parents told me stories of their children getting teased in regular swim lessons and the bullying that occurred within their schools. Although I felt awful, I merely believed that the cruelty of other kids was justified by their age and inability to understand differences. That is, until a friend of mine referred to YNOT as a 'class of retards.'

That's when I realized that we have a problem in our society. If a close friend could not understand that my kids are not 'retards,' how could we expect those with no relation to anyone with disabilities to? Individuals with beliefs based on fear and misunderstandings often stereotype those with mental illnesses, exposing them to prejudice. In addition, with many educators and policy makers sweeping the topic of mental health under the rug, there is a lack of instruction and awareness in our schools from a young age.

As a member of my student council, I organized a mental health week with the assistance of the Canadian Mental Health Association and spearheaded the promotion of the Mental Health Charter of Rights by the Coalition of Children and Youth Mental Health in my school board. The goal of both initiatives was to encourage students to learn and discuss issues related to mental health in order to bring the topic to the forefront of discussion in schools and communities. The response was overwhelming. Over 500 students participated in workshops daily that week and a Mental Health Charter now hangs from all 32 high schools in the [insert school board]. In YNOT, my kids and I organized a Swim-a-Thon for the entire community, raising over $9,000 for the Canadian Mental Health Association and collecting 8,280 signatures in support of mental health awareness.

In the end, there will always be those with mental disabilities, but there does not have to be a stigma that surrounds them. Eliminating the discrimination against mental disorders has become a passion of mine, and I hope that one step at a time, __________.
mzontario   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Me Vs My sister; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual vitality [7]

I was always compared to her and seemed to always fall behind, leaving me feeling like a disappointment to my family. In middle school, she brought home impressive report cards with consecutive As while I brought home Bs. While she was gifted, I never was. I could never seem to be as smart as him.

I feel as though your essay is more trying to beat from your sister rather than learning from the competition. Maybe write it so that it is more focused on you being motivated by your sister's success.

Please take a look at mine? : )
mzontario   
Dec 18, 2012
Undergraduate / The Chariot of Insecurity/ Williams / looking through a window [4]

Genieo
Made me even wonder, does this vehicle even have Insurance?!

You capitalized a couple of random words like insurance and crab.

Also, try to make the crab relate to your appreciation of western countries, which shouldn't be caps either.
mzontario   
Dec 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Needed to do more with my life - Exploring interests at NYU [4]

My school formed a debate team in my sophomore year and I decided to be a part of it because of my live oor arguments and politics, but it was not until my junior year when I took Morality did I realize that we all have a responsibility to be just and help carry out justice.

Run on sentence. Try to cut it into too succinct and effective sentences.

'I know that the NYU's curriculum, specifically in the Global Liberal Studies Program, will help me fulfill my dreams and goals because it is centered on everything I believe in.'

NYU's Global Liberal Studies program is centred around my beliefs and will help me fulfill my career aspirations.

You used a lot of fluff words like 'dreams' and 'goals.' Be careful when being vague.
mzontario   
Dec 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Interest and love for business' - Field of intended study - Columbia [6]

For applicants to Columbia College, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Application Data section. If you are currently undecided, please write about any field or fields in which you may have an interest.

Ever since I could remember, I had a passion and intention to study business. I grew up surrounded by computer screens decorated with red and green numbers and jagged lines. Turns out, my dad was an avid stock trader, and I became the twelve year old who explained bonds and dividends to anyone who would listen.

When I enrolled into the International Business and Technology Program and began to take courses in marketing, finance, and entrepreneurship, the intricate workings of the global economy interested me and my love for business grew. SWOT analyses and equity statements felt pedestrian and writing business plans and participating in ventures became the norm.

In Grade 10, I joined DECA, a case-study based business competition in which I was a provincial finalist for two years and a leadership developer in Florida. DECA helped me realize that business is not merely memorizing information but also being able to effectively communicate and sell an idea. As an executive of my school's DECA as well as a student trustee who directly represents over 1.2 million Ontario students, I fell in love with the people side of business.

The world I came from exposed me to all the leadership opportunities and enjoyment that can be gained from my career aspirations. My upbringing, education, and DECA experience have all transformed my outlook on business, my career, and my life. At Columbia, I am confident I will gain the skills and character necessary to lead a company in the future.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Trekking; Common App Activity [2]

This is good except I have no idea what you're talking about.

Camping trip? Cadets? Hunger Games?

Narrative is great but needs to be a little bit more straightforward in terms of what you're trying to convey. :D
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Governor's School of Engineering: Extracurricular Activity or Interest. "The Robo-T-Birds" [2]

Now, just what was I doing eating Italian food in a claustrophobic workshop?

Now, what was I doing eating Italian food in a claustrophobic workshop, you ask?

I enjoyed his narrative. : )

I was working on our robot for the 2011 FIRST Robotics Competition held annually by the science organization USFIRST - in which student teams of various sizes ranging from Brazil to Turkey and from five to over thirty across grades 9 through 12 pour their hearts and souls into an inbred mechanical wonder.

Grammar problem. Sizes don't range from Brazil to Turkey.

Try,

in which student teams of various sizes from Brazil to Turkey across Grades 9 through 12 poured their souls into an inbred mechanical wonder.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Don't be creeped out; STANFORD COMMON APP. ROOMIE ESSAY [9]

I liked this!

Maybe focus a TINY bit more on the positives? The beginning focused a lot on how you're blank and 'a vegetable,' so that leaves a bit of a lasting impression.

It's not THE tumblr quote, "My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are."

Try to make your personality a tiny bit more exciting. Seeming a little too anti - social.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Columbia helps find a balance in life; NYU [5]

Any criticism is welcome!
Columbia, paired with New York City, is abundant with opportunities. Columbia's breathtaking campus is small enough to not feel lost in the crowd, yet large enough to meet unique people and explore NYC, from Grimaldi's Pizzeria to the Staten Island boat graveyard. Most importantly, it is easy to find balance in one's life.

Columbia's commitment to provide equal opportunities for students, both social and financial, is unparalleled and the chance to flourish with the world's most intelligent and progressive thinkers is incomparable. As a teen dedicated to eliminating the stigma surrounding the LGBTQ community, I aspire to pursue my education in Columbia's open environment.

Columbia's World Leaders Forum is something unique to the school that I find particularly inviting. As a student passionate about local and global change, I can witness issues that matter to me being brought to the forefront of discussion by the world's most influential leaders as well as meet others who are passionate about similar causes.

Last, Columbia's focus on multi-disciplinary learning, especially through Core, is fundamental to personal development and provides the opportunity for me to apply my leadership skills and innovative thinking. To balance the stressful academics, exciting traditions (such as the 40s on 40s and the Primal Scream) are always available to let loose. Columbia is the one place where I can obtain a prestigious education in the most exciting city in the world has to offer.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Speeches / Our internet should be more secure. [2]

Our internet today is used for a wide range of tasks like social networking, gaming and paying bills. In our modern age the internet has exploded from that old dial-up connection to having everyone connected wirelessly.

SUCH AS social networking ...

In our modern age, (comma)

Use the oxford comma.

Not only do we conduct business and work online, we also pay bills and make online purchases.

Avoid contractions if possible.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Why Poly? / Area of interest / Polythinker / Inventor) - Poly Supplements [3]

In your first paragraph, try not to repeat the question to answer it. Go straight into it.

I would take Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, one of the inventorS of calculus

The museum will also show him the applications of math and especially calculus, for without it, many technology would not exist today and the world without it would be very different.

Don't use contractions.

Good job!

Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳