/ 'obsolete ways of thinking and acting' - Progress should be the aim of any great society.
Your response (from my understanding):
Individuals in societies need to use their time to develop thinking in positive sciences to get rid of unnecessarily obsolete ways of thinking
which preclude progress of a society in aforementioned fields. .............So you agree to the prompt.
Comments: First and foremost, you use the word "obsolete way of thinking" too often. "Obsolete" can be replaced with " out of date, outdated, outmoded, old-fashioned, dated, antique, archaic." Your work is readable and understandable. There are some grammar mistakes though.1st paragraph
... as well as societies of the world,
and time is the
measurement for all progresses.
... are prolific enough in
fields such as literature,art,architecture,industry
, societies would develop ...
Otherwise, society tends
to fall behind the era,
progresses fail to
obviatebe in the
need of society. What is worse ?
, Gradually changedFix
moves away from productive thinking
because obsolete ways of thinking and acting is in the scene
individuals in societies (...) which preclude sthe
progress of a society in these
aforementioned fields. ...2nd paragraph
... Europe in middle ages .
badly fall away from positive sciences,
and they tend to ...
For example, surgeons were often monks
who submit more pain to relieve pain,
and they did not ...
... making further research i
n any fields
to progress society in any fields
art were also suffer
and lost their
integrationvariety/diversity with society underbecause of
the autocracy of ill mindset minorities.Comments:
A problem that I have seen here is that you are trying to use GRE vocab. It might be a good idea to show that you know a lot of vocab; however, the problem is you are using these words without thinking about its meaning. For example, 'peasant' means an ignorant, rude, or unsophisticated person, which has nothing to do with 'monk.' 'Priest' is a better option. Also, please, check the definition of 'integration' which means combination, and it has nothing to do with 'not withholding the out-dated thought'. So, I think 'variety' or 'diversity' are more suitable to your content.3nd paragraph
On the contrary,I
f societies aim to progress continuously, their welfare
wouldwill be highly
such a value thatbecause
people do not need ...
As a result,
Rome welcomed as well as cultivated talented citizens
in literature, architecture, art,
and science .
By this way,As a result, people are lived in justice and comfort
many scientific and art (...) Romanian's culture
even they gavewhere people were (...) an unconventional actions democracy, Latin alphabet,etc as a perdurable gift to today's modern man
You need to keep moving on, and avoid making redundant sentence. Here, I already provide you things that you may have mentioned.4th paragraph
... may give harm to its people.
China might be ...People are working under harsh conditions too long to progress and increase welfare of nation, but they are deprived of benefits of progress. This is either not a preferable case or may not have long-term achievements as well as Rome sample.Comments:
The sentence is marked red because I cannot understand what you are trying to say. Additionally, your example should be more specific rather than making a generalization over technological development of a country. One of the examples that I can think of are some related to the bomb in nuclear factories which are the result of humans greed and ambition to make everything too fast, without a good security check. Making a good argument for GRE is not just to give an example, but a very good example that really represents the situation................However, I think that this paragraph is digressed, here. It seems to me that the point of this paragraph should be an opponent to your argument, saying that at some extents, the opponent is necessary. That is, at a certain situation, the society may gain benefits, if people occasionally attach to obsolete ways of thinking and acting. But this paragraph is now talking about the negative effect of making a very aggressive move.