Writing Feedback / Students should pay attention to both communication and knowledge due to be successful in future job [3]

Since you are arguing that both views are as important as one anther, and because this question takes these two view points as the opposite side, the appropriate transition is not 'Furthermore', but it should be something that means regardless of what you have mentioned previously.

Furthermore,Nevertheless, the ability to relate well to people is as important as studying hard in school. When they pass the first stage of selection, they are required to be facedhave good communication skillswith interviewersespecially for interviewingin their meeting room s. At that time, there will be perhapsThere may be three or five leaders to ask ...

... or behave nervously during the interview process, they will leave bad impressions ...
Therefore, students lacking social skills cannot getbe successful jobs in the laborjob market as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : IS JOB INTERVIEW THE BEST METHOD OF HIRING NEW WORKER? [2]

Dear dynaranjani, I personally find that your basic writing elements are quite good. However, after reading for the first three paragraphs, I have not yet find a specific answer to the prompt question asking for the best way to choose employees. Your content is about how interviewing is not enough for some job applications. As I also sometimes encounter the same problem, I would recommend writing your answer at your first paragraph.

Anyway, let's assume that your writing is correct. The following suggestion is regard to some minor grammar error in this writing.
1st Paragraph
AlthoughM ost employers believe an (...) I would argue that another method should be taken into accountthis approach, however, is not utterly effective as it may not be enough in qualifying people for some professions. The benefits and limitation of the interviewing approach are as follows .

2nd Paragraph
On one hand, interview represents as thean appropriate method offor examining job applicants. ..........

3rd Paragraph
On the other hand, some otherspecified job opportunities require more specific ...
For this reason,Therefore, employers should consider ...
Moreover, Ted Karkus, the CEO of Cold-EEZE ...
For this reason, I suggest that an interview should be accompanied ...

Writing Feedback / (TOEFL) Is it more important to learn facts from factual experiences? [2]

Dear Crystal812, Is


your prompt ? it does not seem to be relevant to what you are writing about. If you want somebody here to help, please, state the prompt properly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - DOES COLOUR AFFECT ON PRODUCTIVITY AND PEOPLE'S HEALTH? [3]

Prompt: Psychologists have known for many years that colour can affect how people feel. For this reason, attention should be given to colour schemes when decorating places such as offices and hospitals

Your side: Color can affect on the way human feels; however, it seems that it has nothing to do with working productivity and people health.

Comments: I think that this writing is quite perfect. Truly. It is very good not only in terms of grammars, but also in terms of story lines. There are only some minor mistakes which I shall point out as follows:


Explanations: Because you are arguing against the prompt, I think it is better to emphasize your point by using 'however' at the part that you argue for;thus, 'although' must be removed.




Explanations: In the last paragraph, I use 'such' in place of 'some' to refer to something of the same kind as the thing which has already been mentioned:

Writing Feedback / (TOEFL) Life today is easier and more comfortable than it was when your grandparents were children. [2]

Comments: I think your grammar is almost perfect. My major concern is about your writing style.
I find that your example is a bit uneven. That is, the first two examples are very broad as it seems to be applicable to every life in this planet; however, the last example seems to be very specific about the place, China. So, my suggestion is that, instead of focusing on China in the last example, you may instead focus about the year, such as during world war 2, the period of time when people around the world experienced economic crisis and famine.

Your grammar errors are corrected as follows:

1st Paragraph
Within the last few generations, there has been an unprecedented development ofin society, which made a drastic change in daily life. After 1980s,it is convenient to surfthere have been the development on the Internet, to travelingall over the world nowadays , not to mention , and colossaleconomic transformations of life in China.

2nd Paragraph
... opportunity to learn what is happening all over the world and to make relationshipconnect with different people through social medias .

3rd Paragraph
What's more,(What's more is non-academic)Moreover, it is difficult to obscure the fact ...
... to make acquitt ances and broaden our horizons to discover the ideal lifestyles.

Comments :


...... Are you saying that our lives has been improved by the ticket online system ? You can make it better by mentioning about the development of air-plain engineering systems, or the travelling systems as a whole.

4th Paragraph
Last but not least, the world has witnessed the great changes ofin China since 1980s, which ...
... it was a daydream to have meat when he was a child , and children could be happy...
In 1980s, there was a famous reform which transformed people's lifeves , so that Ipeople can purchase whatever they want from the market recently .

5th Paragraph
... especially in a developing country. where a reform changes Our lives inhave been improved due to computers network communications,andtravellingtravelling systems , and economic reformso on .

Comments : The final paragraph is about rephrasing what you have mentioned. The development of computer is different from the development in networking and communication systems. Your second paragraph is talking about the benefits of having Internet which is closer to networking and communication systems, not the computer.

Writing Feedback / 'obsolete ways of thinking and acting' - Progress should be the aim of any great society. [7]

Hi AAORA, :) You are welcome. From your OP,


Yes, now I got it. I think you explain well with the new paragraph in your OP


By the way, there are some tips about examples that you may give in GRE. Some people use news as samples to support their reasons in GRE writing. It may be useful for you. From what I know, it seems that you need to provide 'specific' examples to support your reasons.

By 'specific', I mean it can be about either the 'specific event' or the 'specific person'. For the specific event, you have to give a specific story about the events. There is a plus if you can really mention the name of place and time. Because the centre of this story is about the event, rather than a person, a benefit about this is that you can make up a person name and a story about the person in that event.

For the specific person, usually we will use a famous one, so we need to state his name properly. It seems that the information related to that person must also be universally known, too (so you cannot make up a story in this case). The some biography about famous US president also has been used a lot in many examples of GRE writing.

Cheers,

Writing Feedback / 'obsolete ways of thinking and acting' - Progress should be the aim of any great society. [7]

Your response (from my understanding): Individuals in societies need to use their time to develop thinking in positive sciences to get rid of unnecessarily obsolete ways of thinking which preclude progress of a society in aforementioned fields. .............So you agree to the prompt.

Comments: First and foremost, you use the word "obsolete way of thinking" too often. "Obsolete" can be replaced with " out of date, outdated, outmoded, old-fashioned, dated, antique, archaic." Your work is readable and understandable. There are some grammar mistakes though.

1st paragraph
... as well as societies of the world, and time is the just measurement for all progresses.
... are prolific enough in either fields such as literature,art,architecture,industry or etc , societies would develop ...
Otherwise, society tends to fall behind the era,which meaning that progresses fail to obviatebe inthe need of society. What is worse ?,Gradually changedFix mindset of society moves away from productive thinking because obsolete ways of thinking and acting is in the scene . Therefore, individuals in societies (...) which preclude sthe progress of a society in these aforementioned fields. ...

2nd paragraph
... Europe in middle ages .whenP eople was badly fall away from positive sciences, and they tend to ...
For example, surgeons were often monksor peasant who submit more pain to relieve pain, and they did not ...
... making further research in any fields to progress society in any fields . Literature,and art were also sufferinged and lost their integrationvariety/diversitywith society underbecause of the autocracy of ill mindset minorities.

Comments: A problem that I have seen here is that you are trying to use GRE vocab. It might be a good idea to show that you know a lot of vocab; however, the problem is you are using these words without thinking about its meaning. For example, 'peasant' means an ignorant, rude, or unsophisticated person, which has nothing to do with 'monk.' 'Priest' is a better option. Also, please, check the definition of 'integration' which means combination, and it has nothing to do with 'not withholding the out-dated thought'. So, I think 'variety' or 'diversity' are more suitable to your content.

3nd paragraph
On the contrary,I f societies aim to progress continuously, their welfare wouldwill be highly increasedsuch a value thatbecause people do not need ...

As a result, Rome welcomed as well as cultivated talented citizens in literature, architecture, art, and science . By this way,As a result,people are lived in justice and comfort many scientific and art (...) Romanian's culture even they gavewhere people were (...) an unconventional actionsdemocracy, Latin alphabet,etc as a perdurable gift to today's modern man .[/quote]

Comments: You need to keep moving on, and avoid making redundant sentence. Here, I already provide you things that you may have mentioned.

4th paragraph
... may give harm to its people.and China might be ...
People are working under harsh conditions too long to progress and increase welfare of nation, but they are deprived of benefits of progress. This is either not a preferable case or may not have long-term achievements as well as Rome sample.

Comments:The sentence is marked red because I cannot understand what you are trying to say. Additionally, your example should be more specific rather than making a generalization over technological development of a country. One of the examples that I can think of are some related to the bomb in nuclear factories which are the result of humans greed and ambition to make everything too fast, without a good security check. Making a good argument for GRE is not just to give an example, but a very good example that really represents the situation................However, I think that this paragraph is digressed, here. It seems to me that the point of this paragraph should be an opponent to your argument, saying that at some extents, the opponent is necessary. That is, at a certain situation, the society may gain benefits, if people occasionally attach to obsolete ways of thinking and acting. But this paragraph is now talking about the negative effect of making a very aggressive move.

Writing Feedback / Both parents and schools hold the roles for children healthy lifestyle [2]

Prompt: Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both of schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. Do you agree or disagree?

Your response (from what I understood): both parents and school are the best role model for the children.

My comments/suggestion: I think your response is quite smart. Additionally, you may consider another viewpoint, that is, the students should have their control over their choices. But this depends on how you think about the prompt right? :)

There are some minor grammar mistakes though. So, my correction is as follows:

1st paragraph


2nd paragraph


3rd paragraph

Writing Feedback / Receiving the formal education at young age can benefit young population [6]

Hi vangiespen, I am sorry for my previous OP(I did not make it in time), and Thanks for your suggestion.
In response to what you mentioned, which is


So I should change my first paragraph, by specifying my side right?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THE IMPORTANCE OF TAKING A JOB AFTER GRADUATED IN HIGH SCHOOL [4]

Prompt: Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university.
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.

Your said: You believe that young people should take a job after high-school, because they have more time to prepare for college; they tend to be more independent; and have more working experience.

Your grammar is almost perfect; I would like to provide some suggestions:

1st paragraph
"Even though this casechoice has some drawbacks, I extremely believe that working after passing school is so useful and helping school-leavers to develop their characters."

2nd paragraph
"... are left behind when they work because the university students start their lesson immediately after high schools and master themtheir academic skills first.
... reduce the opportunities for having a better occupation becausesince they have a gap year in their resumea gap of time for choose sooner ."

3rd paragraph
"On the other hand, working immediately after graduatinged from high- school can bring more advantages.
... lessons before enter the university because usually they do not understand ...
Another benefit is peoplethey become more independent and having more experiences in workingthe field. Therefore, teenagers will have a better characters and ..."

4th paragraph
"To conclude, although having job directly after passing ... However, I would argue that, this caseworking experience gives them understanding about the value ..."

Research Papers / Discourse of Democracy in Indonesia: Critical Study on Media and Elites Language Ideology [3]

My comment: Since this is a research article, you will need to pay attention about making citations and the style which should be consistent . In your writing, please always use (Name, year). Also, the way you wrote is quite redundant. For example, in the final paragraph, you wrote ...

The data analysing which is applied to investigate particular discourse or language, either for constructing democracy discourse or for inducing political violence, in this work, is constituted by framework provided by van Dijk (2011).

"The data analysing which is applied to investigate particular discourse or language, either for constructing democracy discourse or for inducing political violence , in this work, is constituted by framework provided by v an Dijk (2011) (Van Dijk, 2011 ) ."

My comment: you mention the work of Van Dijk many many times, but this work can be published in different publications. Even if it is in the same publication, but who knows..... right?. Therefore, you need to give a precise reference to his work in each time that you mentioned it.

Additionally, within the same paragraph, I find that the following sentence is a bit confusing,
Choosing to apply van Dijk theory is led by arguing that van Dijk has long time provided a comprehensive theory in studying media base on Critical Discourse Analysis approach, particularly in order to analyse ideology.

My comment: Are you trying to say that you believe in the data analysis of van Dijk because, first, his work has long been studied; second, it provides a comprehensive theory; and third, the methodology is tailor-made for analysing ideology ? So, it seems to me that this work is very trustful and well regarded in your research proposal. Therefore, you need to cite this work properly, and by doing so, no body will question your reference. Also, you should mention about the number of year used for that study, you cannot just say "it is long time study."

Cheers,

Writing Feedback / I have always believed that hard work is the key to success - TOEFL independent essay [4]

I think there are only minor mistakes in this writing.
Only some small things to be improved in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs .

2nd paragraph
For example, even though I got seventeen in the writing section in my first, recentlast time I took the TOEFL test which was the first time I take it , I did not stop practising hard to improve my score in this section.

My suggestion: It would be nice if you can show the result of your hard work to support your reason in this paragraph. In corresponding to your example here, you may show how much you think your writing has been improved.

3rd paragraph,
Additionally, people who want to be rich cannot depend on only luck to succeed. Even luck needs preparation which is based on hard work. As the saying goes "luck is when preparation meets opportunity." ....

My suggestion: There is nothing wrong about the sentence "Even luck needs preparation which is based on hard work," yet I personally find that it is not necessary as the following sentence already describes what you are trying to say in a much understandable way.

....For instance, I heard about a man who became rich by winning the lottery. ButNevertheless, his fortune did not last forever because he did not use it in aany financial project....

My suggestion: You may consider replacing "he did not use it in aany financial project" with something like "he did not use the money to make investments, nor did he try to keep it."

Writing Feedback / Task 1 The Amount of Money Spent on Books in Four Countries in Europe [3]

Paragraph 1
Overall, it is important to note that, over athe ten-year period ,the amount of money spent on booksweregradually rose in all the countries , but Germany leads led them over the period.

Problems:
1. Inconsistent tense: there is a mix between present and past tenses.
2. Less variety of vocabularies: you may consider replacing 'rise' with increase, growth, advance, etc.
3. There is a problem about the accuracy in your description. You mentioned in paragraph 1 that " there were the rise in the amount of money spent on books in all countries...." however, in the graph, the one of Italy dropped from 1997 to 1999.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - "You're pretty, for a fat girl." [4]

In overall, I find that your essay identified the problem of how current trend of beauty and how it influences personal importance. This essay displays intense feeling, and at some point it is powerful.

However, if this essay is for academics, it should display more rational thinking, especially on the second paragraph.
I find your example to support the main theme in the 2dn paragraph which you said 'People say the strangest things to me, because I'm bigger I cannot achieve certain things or their shocked on what I'm capable of doing.' not convincing.

The example that you emceeing the schools pep assemblies could be used to relate the problem of body image and personal important, but it is not an obvious example to show the incompatibility between having a plus-sized body and the ability to give a good school's speech. (The size of human body could influence your confidence, but it is not an obstacle to give the speech.) It would be nicer if you can give the example that really support the problems. This leads me to think of activities that overweight people can do, though these activities are against people's perception about physical performance (such as gymnastics, ballets, dancing, etc.) As a result, it will help reflect your statement Does self image reflect the person as an whole? Also, the part.... afterwards a parent told me how shocked they were, because they couldn't believe I gave off so much confidence and was able to speak in front of my peers looking the way I do. ... only shows that your emotion is running wild.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: A Number Of Young People Are Unhealthful To Undergo Their Way that They Live [2]

Prompt: Many children these days have unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Your response: You agree completely that both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

My comments regarding your essay as a whole : The task of this essay is to response to what extent you agree with this statement. However, your response is purely on one side. My suggestion is to check the example. I find the essay structure provided in ieltsbuddy/ielts-sample-essay.html looks reasonable.

My comments regarding your grammar is as follows:

Nowadays, a number of young people are unhealthful to undergo their unhealthy lifestylethat they live . These are maybe as there are lots of innutrition foods like fast food consumed in large number . I arguebelieve that the schools have obligations to teach children to do right actions for their health whereas the parents have to prepare and control their meal in home or school.

Problem no.1 the definition of unhealthful is harmful. People are not harmful, but their lifestyles are not healthy.
Problem no.2 in large number is redundant to lots of.
Problem no.3 'argue' may be used to show that your side is against the other side. For this one, I am not sure and that is why it is put in green, but I would rather use 'believe' to support my statement.

Children and teenagers need to be led to experience their life included how to become fit persons. When they are in surroundings of schools, teachers must give them information to broaden their horizons and direct them to eat only good foods or do sports, so they are avoided from illnesses . The tutors have to inform enough knowledge such as negative effects when people consume fast foods too much or important benefit when keep body healthily every day.

Problem no.1 Here I give the definition of illnesses in dictionary.reference.com/browse/illness?s=t. I think it is better to change from illness to other word that is related to bad life style such as sedentary.

Problem no.2 I think that it is better to keep using the word 'teacher' rather than 'tutors'. Though a purpose of this writing is to show the varieties and vocabulary, the word 'tutor' should be used for a more specific purpose.

However, not only the teachers but also the parents have similar responsibility. I believe that parents are the first persons who have the greatest impact for children. There are some ways that can be done by parents with providing freshly and qualify home foods like vegetables as well as fruits. Mothers should prepare children meal for their diets or beverages and ensure the food come or bought from trusted place. In addition, they have to cook in the right way, so the nutrition does not lose. Parents also should always control, suggest, and remind the children to apply healthy lifestyle because children do not have many concerns about these yet.

Problem no.1 there is no contradiction here. So 'however' is not necessary.
Problem no.2 ' the first persons who have the greatest impact for children' is a bit redundant
Problem no.3 'There are some ways' is vague. I think I would say 'Parents can help promote healthy lifestyles in many ways; for example, preparing fresh and quality home foods that contains vegetables and fruits'.

To sum up, parents and schoolteachers have to collaborate to support their children undergoing happy and healthy lifestyle. [i]The controlling should be in school and home so that young generations realize that this is very essential.[/i]

Problem no. 1 I think that there is nothing wrong with this sentence grammatically. It is the meaning that you try to convey appears to be very strong. I would rather replace 'the control in school and home ' with 'the support from schools and homes.' However, it depends on what you are trying to say.

Problem no. 2 the word this is vague. Please, be more specific.

Graduate / SOP for MS in VLSI (Digital Design); 'knowledge once gained can't be taken away' [4]

Dear


Please, check the place where a comma is needed to be placed.

Writing Feedback / GREAs people rely on technology to solve problems, our ability turns upside down [3]

Thank you for your kind help and advice.
Your suggestions are helpful as you have pointed out the weakness in my essay, such that I could develop my writing skills.

To Pahan Thank you. I truly appreciate your inspection. My grammar needs to be improved as well as my words are often way too extreme. I like to hear your suggestions on how thing should be written. In fact, I find that it is very hard for me (who is not accustom to using the language) to express my thought.

To eddies Thank you for giving your thoughtful analysis, making precise corrections and expressing your opinion on my writing.


is a very perfect way to say. I really like your analysis, and your expression which reflects how I should improve my writing.

To dumi. Thank you for your insightful correction and careful consideration on my essay.


In fact, I was trying to say that even if calculator is often blamed for causing the lack of mathematical skills in children, parents and educators should be responsible for their children's failure, too. To me, if their parents/educators would have paid close attention to their children's math skills, this problem would not happen at all. Parents/ teachers should have notice the lack of calculation skills due to the use of calculators, and hence, they could help their children understand when the tools should be used. I believe this can also be extended to the problem of children using calculators instead of mental calculation because the children want to make the good score. It is often to see parents pushing their children to be the greatest one at school, but they may neglect the fact that children may do the right things such as using the calculators to finish their homework. I am afraid that my words do not demonstrate my thought clearly. I would love to if you would suggest an alternative way of saying this. ^ ^

Thank you again for all of your helps and suggestions. : )

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Rush vs. Slower Pace [5]

Hi LeonP
I think that your essay is quite perfect. I would like to give some suggestion on the last two sentences in the third paragraph.


I find that two of these sentences are similar in meaning. My brief suggestion is that you can omit the first one and add it into your example. To illustrate my point, you may say something like

" Once, I wrote an essay in haste and got a bad grade because I made minor mistakes. Such flaws would not have happened, if I would be more patient. "

Hope this could help you ^ ^

Best,

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Human needs vs. saving land for endangered animals [5]

Hi LeonP

To me, most of sentences are grammatically correct; I would like to suggest an alternative ways on some particular part in your essay.


In the green highlight, I would have said that The rising sea level will cause large migration of coastal area people leading to the overpopulation in the land areas as well as the large amount of water evaporation and precipitation leading to the larger and fiercer storms around the world.

PS. this is from a kind of movie. ^ ^

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Listening to the advice of family and friends or via personal experience? [5]

Thank you for your response LeonP
You have made a good point about my reasoning and the lack of varieties in my essay.
By the way, I would love to hear some examples from you. ^^

Best,

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Language plays a significant role in our lives [4]

sayes,
please, let me help you improve some parts of your essay.

1


This sentence is grammatically correct; I would like to suggest an alternative way to write this sentence.
Knowing foreign languages, one do his job effectively as he can communicate with people from different countries.

2


I would like to suggest the following sentence as the alternative way to tell people about the obligation of students in your school.
The fifth grade students in my school have to take a foreign language class. I didn't have any idea about the importance of languages.I decided to take French language .

3

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay from Community College; 'Cervial and Breast Cancer study' [3]

I apologize for the meaning of colors (that I should have told you), and some information that I forgot.

1.
The blue color is for the phrase/sentence that I rephrase your words.

The green color is for the phrase/sentence that should have been added into your essay. For example, I think that adding " at XXXX university " can help the reader become clear about your work place.

The red color is for the phrases/sentences that I am not sure about the meaning, and have no idea on what it should have been. Some sentences in red can be improved.

2.
You may tell the reader at the first sentence of your paragraph. For example,


can be changed to


PS. BBB is the program that you are going to apply to/ that you are going to send this essay to.
YYY is your current program.

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay from Community College; 'Cervial and Breast Cancer study' [3]

I find your essay interesting; as a reader, some of your sentences should have been written as in the following paragraphs.

My education at x Community College has been altogether positive.However,My reason for transferring to xxx program is to broaden my resources to attain higher education. With the pursuit of majoring in Neuroscience and becoming a Physician Assistant, I would best be suited in the xxx program that offers excellent research environment in a pre-health concentration.( I guess that the concentration is a field of your major)in an environment with opportunities for research, studying abroad, and a pre health concentration.

During fall, I became a Research Associate and workedwas a research associate in the Emergency Department at XXXX universityto gain clinical research experience . I enrolled participantsparticipated in a Cervial and Breast Cancer study, the third largest research conducted in the United States. MostMore importantly, I was able to directly interact with patients in a high volume emergency room. During the progression of the program, I realized my immense desire to work on a team of doctors and nurses to critically alleviate those in need.

x Community College has helped me in tremendous ways. It proved me a solid education in core courses such as French, Abnormal Psychology, and Sociology. I boastedhave (the decent GPA) of 3.6 GPAin my first semester and also participated in generous (I cannot follow you on this; I am sorry. what does the generous extracurricular activities mean to you) extracurricular activities on campus and made great friends along the way.

Though my education here has been requisite, I am limited in terms of course selection for my desired major (this sentence sounds a bit negative in my opinion; if I were you, I would say that the education from my previous/current school has prepared me a strong back ground in the prerequisite subjects such as Biology, and the xxx program will hone my understanding toward the research in my major).However if admitted,Being a student in the xxx program , I am excited to takemy knowledge will be improved by taking the courses such as xxx that will prepare me for my ultimate goal.In addition/ Moreover, I would like to do the project in cognitive brain imaging duringfor the undergraduate summer research program opportunities at the medical center. Taking everything into account, my reasons for transferring stand clear: to gain the experienceunparalleled opportunity thatand to enhance my knowledge toward the researches in NeuroscienceI cannot receive at my current institution .

Writing Feedback / Eassy For Toefl: computer for students vs books for library [6]

I find that "help of ..." is the phrase that you use very often.
I would recommend that you should find the other expression in place of "help of".
For example,


In fact, as a reader, I can catch up with your idea that the computer and internet are your best friends when you do your homework, so you can simply say,

" I use computer and internet to download books and help me finish my assignments on time."


can be replaced by "the advantage of those software"


>>> without the books.

Undergraduate / Questbridge College Prep - your community; what would you change and why? 'Segregation' [6]

Could you, please, give more explanation on whom you will send your essay to. I mean another school ?
In addition, does the mentor of this essay give you only 100 words ? I mean it is very brief.

The negative impact from bad reputation of my school mars my attitude toward learning. Atlanta Public Schools was once convicted of a cheating scandal, as well as it has recently been convicted of illegally allowing out of zone students onto the football team. Throughout my years at Grady, I have made sure that I strive to achieve academic excellence. However, it seemed that my learning capabilities would not matter. If colleges take the negative marks of my high school, I would not be accepted to be one of their students. (93)

I hope this will help.
Best wish,

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: friends you can have fun with or those who can help you? [4]


I think that you means the problem-free life


Parallel rule




Even if my best friend and I were studying in different school, were separated by the distance of a thousand miles, and were making new friends, we still held on together when one of us was in trouble. She washas always been the first one who cameshowed up in my mind. and She could comfort me and enlightened me even though we only talkedthe whole talk was on the phone. She has an ability to compassionately point out my problem and give me practical advice with her gentle words every time when I am facing problems., whichI feel so lucky to have her in my life.

I would like to suggest that you should cut down some details as the reader can imagine about what you are going to say. For example, ....


She (might be the only person who) can calm me down when I have trouble and gently give me advice on what I should do.

You may use the phrase inside the bracket to emphasis that your friend is very special to you, .

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Keep trying and never stop working for your goals. [6]

Thank you dumi. That is very kind of you. I would certainly try to improve my introduction. ^ ^

Pahan


You are right. Could I make it like this...
Thirdly, we might feel that the duty to achieve our goal is too heavy to carry on. I believe that the duty is worthy of carrying. When the distance is longer and harder to achieve, a runner who can go beyond his limit will proud of himself. He can feel the sweetness of triumph because he did not stop pursing his goal.

I would also love to hear your suggestion and your comment. ^ ^ By the way, thank you for your kind response. ^ ^

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Keep trying and never stop working for your goals. [6]


I am sorry for the confusion. Actually, I meant to say that "It is better that a man conquers himself than that he win a reward."

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Most significant invention of the last 30years - Internet [6]

Your content is quite good; there are some minor errors.


everything


communicate to/with (if you want this be the intransitive verb)


The comma should be replaced with the semi-colon to separate each sentence.

Good luck

Writing Feedback / Learning from experience or from book, TOEFL [6]

I would like to apologize for my misconception and the way I wrote. I admitted that it might be my lack of understanding about the style of the toefl essay.

Could you please describe more about the background that I should have given in the essay.
Should I give the definition, for example, what is learning from experience and what kinds of knowledge learned from each method.

By the ways, I always feel thankful to your help.

Sntin

Essays / EE application - supplementary questions, additional information to share with the school. [4]

Thank you for your kind response.

I appreciate your help, but due to the limit of time, I did not answer to the additional question.

Essays / could any one help me and check the small part of essay i need it now as soon as possible [3]


This sentence should be separated into two sentences.
In my opinion imagination is ambition and passion for an idea.
We imagine and dream about it until we find the way to turn it into reality in the right moment.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL/Disagree Playing Computer Games wastes time and students should not be allowed! [3]



You should separate this sentence into two sentences, and in fact, these sentences should be put in different paragraphs. Because in the 2nd paragraph, you are talking about how computer game steals time from children. Thus, in the next paragraph, you may introduce the violence conveyed to children by computer game. I believe that there are many examples of children or teenages that applied the violence from computer games to their real life such as gun shooting, raping, etc.


Admittedly, ...is used at the beginning of the sentence to introduce a concession or recognition that something is true or is the case.
For example, "admittedly, the salary was not wonderful, but the duties were light."
So, you may say that

Admittedly, there were students who eventually became game designers, but despite the time that they lost, only a few of them went for this job.

Undergraduate / USC application essay - How will you benefit society? [3]


I agree with the previous comment.

Well,... actually I am not a person in computer science, but most of my peers are in computer science and they do the part of programming, such as developing websites, creating computer program, maintenancing computer systems. The applications of computer science is extensive, so I would like to suggest that you may focus on the applications that interest you or in the on-going projects of the program that you are applying to. In addition, your answer will be more concise, if you know what you are going to learn in the program.

One of the application that I usually find in my friends' work is developing computer program for medications: enhancing the user interface between computer and doctors, creating the graphical interpretation of the human organs, manipulating medical image, etc. Another may be the application on network routing, and developing the websites. I also found some people developing algorithms for solving mathematical problems such as in optimization problems, estimations and predictions, etc.

It is recommended that you should talk to people who are studying in this field, or who already graduated, because I guessed that the questionnaire want to know about your vision toward your study and your work.