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Posts by sntinn
Joined: Jun 18, 2013
Last Post: Feb 25, 2016
Threads: 8
Posts: 36  
Likes: 9
From: Thailand

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sntinn   
Feb 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Students should pay attention to both communication and knowledge due to be successful in future job [3]

Since you are arguing that both views are as important as one anther, and because this question takes these two view points as the opposite side, the appropriate transition is not 'Furthermore', but it should be something that means regardless of what you have mentioned previously.

Furthermore,Nevertheless, the ability to relate well to people is as important as studying hard in school. When they pass the first stage of selection, they are required to be facedhave good communication skillswith interviewersespecially for interviewingin their meeting room s. At that time, there will be perhapsThere may be three or five leaders to ask ...

... or behave nervously during the interview process, they will leave bad impressions ...
Therefore, students lacking social skills cannot getbe successful jobs in the laborjob market as well.
sntinn   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : IS JOB INTERVIEW THE BEST METHOD OF HIRING NEW WORKER? [2]

Dear dynaranjani, I personally find that your basic writing elements are quite good. However, after reading for the first three paragraphs, I have not yet find a specific answer to the prompt question asking for the best way to choose employees. Your content is about how interviewing is not enough for some job applications. As I also sometimes encounter the same problem, I would recommend writing your answer at your first paragraph.

Anyway, let's assume that your writing is correct. The following suggestion is regard to some minor grammar error in this writing.
1st Paragraph
AlthoughM ost employers believe an (...) I would argue that another method should be taken into accountthis approach, however, is not utterly effective as it may not be enough in qualifying people for some professions. The benefits and limitation of the interviewing approach are as follows .

2nd Paragraph
On one hand, interview represents as thean appropriate method offor examining job applicants. ..........

3rd Paragraph
On the other hand, some otherspecified job opportunities require more specific ...
For this reason,Therefore, employers should consider ...
Moreover, Ted Karkus, the CEO of Cold-EEZE ...
For this reason, I suggest that an interview should be accompanied ...

sntinn   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - DOES COLOUR AFFECT ON PRODUCTIVITY AND PEOPLE'S HEALTH? [3]

Prompt: Psychologists have known for many years that colour can affect how people feel. For this reason, attention should be given to colour schemes when decorating places such as offices and hospitals

Your side: Color can affect on the way human feels; however, it seems that it has nothing to do with working productivity and people health.

Comments: I think that this writing is quite perfect. Truly. It is very good not only in terms of grammars, but also in terms of story lines. There are only some minor mistakes which I shall point out as follows:

Colours have been parts of people's lives since ...
Although Some psychologists found that it can affect on the way human feel; this finding, however, ...

Explanations: Because you are arguing against the prompt, I think it is better to emphasize your point by using 'however' at the part that you argue for;thus, 'although' must be removed.

According to these survey takers , bright colours have a tendency ...
However,Rather, a high productivity can be achieved, ifwhen all employees work in ...

D r. Agung Nugroho, an Indonesian doctor working in my local hospital, states that patients are ...
Apart from thisIn fact, I personally argueinstead of focusing on the colourthat, the hospital should pay attention to hygiene and highly sophisticated hospital equipment which are what patients ...

As t he aforementioned evidences showedthat, colours do not play an important role in somesuch cases.

Explanations: In the last paragraph, I use 'such' in place of 'some' to refer to something of the same kind as the thing which has already been mentioned:
sntinn   
Jan 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / (TOEFL) Life today is easier and more comfortable than it was when your grandparents were children. [2]

Comments: I think your grammar is almost perfect. My major concern is about your writing style.
I find that your example is a bit uneven. That is, the first two examples are very broad as it seems to be applicable to every life in this planet; however, the last example seems to be very specific about the place, China. So, my suggestion is that, instead of focusing on China in the last example, you may instead focus about the year, such as during world war 2, the period of time when people around the world experienced economic crisis and famine.

Your grammar errors are corrected as follows:

1st Paragraph
Within the last few generations, there has been an unprecedented development ofin society, which made a drastic change in daily life. After 1980s,it is convenient to surfthere have been the development on the Internet, to travelingall over the world nowadays , not to mention , and colossaleconomic transformations of life in China.

2nd Paragraph
... opportunity to learn what is happening all over the world and to make relationshipconnect with different people through social medias .

3rd Paragraph
What's more,(What's more is non-academic)Moreover, it is difficult to obscure the fact ...
... to make acquitt ances and broaden our horizons to discover the ideal lifestyles.


Comments :

people are more capable of travelling around the world whenever they want for the sake of the online tickets selling

...... Are you saying that our lives has been improved by the ticket online system ? You can make it better by mentioning about the development of air-plain engineering systems, or the travelling systems as a whole.

4th Paragraph
Last but not least, the world has witnessed the great changes ofin China since 1980s, which ...
... it was a daydream to have meat when he was a child , and children could be happy...
In 1980s, there was a famous reform which transformed people's lifeves , so that Ipeople can purchase whatever they want from the market recently .


5th Paragraph
... especially in a developing country. where a reform changes Our lives inhave been improved due to computers network communications,andtravellingtravelling systems , and economic reformso on .

Comments : The final paragraph is about rephrasing what you have mentioned. The development of computer is different from the development in networking and communication systems. Your second paragraph is talking about the benefits of having Internet which is closer to networking and communication systems, not the computer.
sntinn   
Jan 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'obsolete ways of thinking and acting' - Progress should be the aim of any great society. [7]

Hi AAORA, :) You are welcome. From your OP,

Therefore artists might fail to produce original pieces of art.

Yes, now I got it. I think you explain well with the new paragraph in your OP

Surgeons in the early part of the Middle Ages were often monks because they had access to the best medical literature - often written by Arab scholars.

By the way, there are some tips about examples that you may give in GRE. Some people use news as samples to support their reasons in GRE writing. It may be useful for you. From what I know, it seems that you need to provide 'specific' examples to support your reasons.

By 'specific', I mean it can be about either the 'specific event' or the 'specific person'. For the specific event, you have to give a specific story about the events. There is a plus if you can really mention the name of place and time. Because the centre of this story is about the event, rather than a person, a benefit about this is that you can make up a person name and a story about the person in that event.

For the specific person, usually we will use a famous one, so we need to state his name properly. It seems that the information related to that person must also be universally known, too (so you cannot make up a story in this case). The some biography about famous US president also has been used a lot in many examples of GRE writing.

Cheers,
sntinn   
Jan 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'obsolete ways of thinking and acting' - Progress should be the aim of any great society. [7]

Your response (from my understanding): Individuals in societies need to use their time to develop thinking in positive sciences to get rid of unnecessarily obsolete ways of thinking which preclude progress of a society in aforementioned fields. .............So you agree to the prompt.

Comments: First and foremost, you use the word "obsolete way of thinking" too often. "Obsolete" can be replaced with " out of date, outdated, outmoded, old-fashioned, dated, antique, archaic." Your work is readable and understandable. There are some grammar mistakes though.

1st paragraph
... as well as societies of the world, and time is the just measurement for all progresses.
... are prolific enough in either fields such as literature,art,architecture,industry or etc , societies would develop ...
Otherwise, society tends to fall behind the era,which meaning that progresses fail to obviatebe inthe need of society. What is worse ?,Gradually changedFix mindset of society moves away from productive thinking because obsolete ways of thinking and acting is in the scene . Therefore, individuals in societies (...) which preclude sthe progress of a society in these aforementioned fields. ...

2nd paragraph
... Europe in middle ages .whenP eople was badly fall away from positive sciences, and they tend to ...
For example, surgeons were often monksor peasant who submit more pain to relieve pain, and they did not ...
... making further research in any fields to progress society in any fields . Literature,and art were also sufferinged and lost their integrationvariety/diversitywith society underbecause of the autocracy of ill mindset minorities.

Comments: A problem that I have seen here is that you are trying to use GRE vocab. It might be a good idea to show that you know a lot of vocab; however, the problem is you are using these words without thinking about its meaning. For example, 'peasant' means an ignorant, rude, or unsophisticated person, which has nothing to do with 'monk.' 'Priest' is a better option. Also, please, check the definition of 'integration' which means combination, and it has nothing to do with 'not withholding the out-dated thought'. So, I think 'variety' or 'diversity' are more suitable to your content.

3nd paragraph
On the contrary,I f societies aim to progress continuously, their welfare wouldwill be highly increasedsuch a value thatbecause people do not need ...

As a result, Rome welcomed as well as cultivated talented citizens in literature, architecture, art, and science . By this way,As a result,people are lived in justice and comfort many scientific and art (...) Romanian's culture even they gavewhere people were (...) an unconventional actionsdemocracy, Latin alphabet,etc as a perdurable gift to today's modern man .[/quote]

Comments: You need to keep moving on, and avoid making redundant sentence. Here, I already provide you things that you may have mentioned.

4th paragraph
... may give harm to its people.and China might be ...
People are working under harsh conditions too long to progress and increase welfare of nation, but they are deprived of benefits of progress. This is either not a preferable case or may not have long-term achievements as well as Rome sample.

Comments:The sentence is marked red because I cannot understand what you are trying to say. Additionally, your example should be more specific rather than making a generalization over technological development of a country. One of the examples that I can think of are some related to the bomb in nuclear factories which are the result of humans greed and ambition to make everything too fast, without a good security check. Making a good argument for GRE is not just to give an example, but a very good example that really represents the situation................However, I think that this paragraph is digressed, here. It seems to me that the point of this paragraph should be an opponent to your argument, saying that at some extents, the opponent is necessary. That is, at a certain situation, the society may gain benefits, if people occasionally attach to obsolete ways of thinking and acting. But this paragraph is now talking about the negative effect of making a very aggressive move.
sntinn   
Jan 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Both parents and schools hold the roles for children healthy lifestyle [2]

Prompt: Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both of schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. Do you agree or disagree?

Your response (from what I understood): both parents and school are the best role model for the children.

My comments/suggestion: I think your response is quite smart. Additionally, you may consider another viewpoint, that is, the students should have their control over their choices. But this depends on how you think about the prompt right? :)

There are some minor grammar mistakes though. So, my correction is as follows:

1st paragraph

It is argued thatB oth parents and school hold ...
... both parents and schools are the best role model for the children.

2nd paragraph

It is true thatB oth parents and schools have more responsibilities to kids' activities because students spent most of their time is spent at home and schools . Parents , as the role model, hold the crucial aspect for thetheir children's habit. For instance, activities such as stay up,leisure habits,a lots media consuming habitsusage , out-door activitiesout of home , and eating habitsnutritionhave to beare controlled by parents ...
In sS chools, as the second home for students, have to lead studentschool's activities whenwhiletheythese children are not inuncontrolled by their parents's control . The teachers must introduce students to always live clean such ...
As a result, when young children copy good role model (...) from the schools , theythose are able to lead them into health activities. It is clear that both parents and school should be aware of students activities to direct them in better way of life.

3rd paragraph

It should develop the regulation which is able to leadstheits citizen to facehave a better life. Ministry of health should take part in improvinga part for health activities for the residences.
... parts in a country should take partbe responsibleinfor prevention of lifestyle changeunhealthy habitsto faceagainst the challenge of global media and healthworldwide development .

... both parents and schools are the most crucial aspects ...
Other factors should take partbe considered to influencepromote the healthy lifestyle.

sntinn   
Jan 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Receiving the formal education at young age can benefit young population [6]

Hi vangiespen, I am sorry for my previous OP(I did not make it in time), and Thanks for your suggestion.
In response to what you mentioned, which is

Suwi, the essay would have been acceptable ...

So I should change my first paragraph, by specifying my side right?
sntinn   
Jan 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Receiving the formal education at young age can benefit young population [6]

Hi Community, please feel free to comment/give suggestions to my response to the following independent writing task in Toelf.

PROMPT: Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Compare these two views. Which view do you agree with? Why?

Receiving the formal education at young age can benefits young population, as they will have more time to learn about social discipline, to hone their skills, and to find themselves. Nevertheless, is it really necessary to force young children to learn at a very early age? Some parents may agree to bring their children to school at a very early age. Others, however, argue that at a very early age, children should spend their time playing and have fun at home. To make a decision for the best of the children, these two viewpoints shall be compared as follows:

Unlike staying at home and playing with friends, going to school at a very early age ensures that students will more time to hone their academic skills. Some academic skills, such as linguistics, mathematics, music, requires high practising time, and these skills may not be taught by people in children's family. If they are at schools, children will not miss the chance to learn these skills, so as they can grow these skills naturally at very young age.

Also, play ground at schools serves the same purpose as the play ground at their home in developing young children, physically and socially. An additional point to spending time at schools is that not only these young children can have fun with their peers, but also they will learn to comply themselves with rules in schools; hence, rules in society. On the other hand staying at home, the children may learn to interact with their friends, but they may be lack of some disciplines which are not taught in their family. They may imitate improper language spoken by people in their family. They may not know how to manage their time to do their homework and having fun with friends. Also, staying at home, they may not know how to dress properly.

Fortunately, most of the kinder-garden schools these days provide learning environment that helps young children to learn with fun. Young children who are accustomed to going to school tend to have a more positive attitude toward learning. While, young children who stay at home may feel boring or may be scared away when they have to do academic stuff for the first time. Also, in the hand of school professionals, together with well-equipped learning tools, these early-age students have a better opportunity to find themselves. Meanwhile, if they were at home, their speciality may not be discovered by their parents who are busy with their jobs.

Throughout these comparisons, the school environment gives young children a better chance to develop themselves mentally and socially for their future, higher education. Thus, I agree that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Though staying at home young children can learn many skills from their family, going to schools ensures that these young children will learn this skills properly in the right hands without missing a chance to grow up as a child.
sntinn   
Jan 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THE IMPORTANCE OF TAKING A JOB AFTER GRADUATED IN HIGH SCHOOL [4]

Prompt: Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university.
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.

Your said: You believe that young people should take a job after high-school, because they have more time to prepare for college; they tend to be more independent; and have more working experience.

Your grammar is almost perfect; I would like to provide some suggestions:

1st paragraph
"Even though this casechoice has some drawbacks, I extremely believe that working after passing school is so useful and helping school-leavers to develop their characters."

2nd paragraph
"... are left behind when they work because the university students start their lesson immediately after high schools and master themtheir academic skills first.
... reduce the opportunities for having a better occupation becausesince they have a gap year in their resumea gap of time for choose sooner ."


3rd paragraph
"On the other hand, working immediately after graduatinged from high- school can bring more advantages.
... lessons before enter the university because usually they do not understand ...
Another benefit is peoplethey become more independent and having more experiences in workingthe field. Therefore, teenagers will have a better characters and ..."


4th paragraph
"To conclude, although having job directly after passing ... However, I would argue that, this caseworking experience gives them understanding about the value ..."
sntinn   
Jan 24, 2016
Research Papers / Discourse of Democracy in Indonesia: Critical Study on Media and Elites Language Ideology [3]

My comment: Since this is a research article, you will need to pay attention about making citations and the style which should be consistent . In your writing, please always use (Name, year). Also, the way you wrote is quite redundant. For example, in the final paragraph, you wrote ...

The data analysing which is applied to investigate particular discourse or language, either for constructing democracy discourse or for inducing political violence, in this work, is constituted by framework provided by van Dijk (2011).

"The data analysing which is applied to investigate particular discourse or language, either for constructing democracy discourse or for inducing political violence , in this work, is constituted by framework provided by v an Dijk (2011) (Van Dijk, 2011 ) ."

My comment: you mention the work of Van Dijk many many times, but this work can be published in different publications. Even if it is in the same publication, but who knows..... right?. Therefore, you need to give a precise reference to his work in each time that you mentioned it.

Additionally, within the same paragraph, I find that the following sentence is a bit confusing,
Choosing to apply van Dijk theory is led by arguing that van Dijk has long time provided a comprehensive theory in studying media base on Critical Discourse Analysis approach, particularly in order to analyse ideology.

My comment: Are you trying to say that you believe in the data analysis of van Dijk because, first, his work has long been studied; second, it provides a comprehensive theory; and third, the methodology is tailor-made for analysing ideology ? So, it seems to me that this work is very trustful and well regarded in your research proposal. Therefore, you need to cite this work properly, and by doing so, no body will question your reference. Also, you should mention about the number of year used for that study, you cannot just say "it is long time study."

Cheers,
sntinn   
Jan 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / I have always believed that hard work is the key to success - TOEFL independent essay [4]

I think there are only minor mistakes in this writing.
Only some small things to be improved in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs .

2nd paragraph
For example, even though I got seventeen in the writing section in my first, recentlast time I took the TOEFL test which was the first time I take it , I did not stop practising hard to improve my score in this section.

My suggestion: It would be nice if you can show the result of your hard work to support your reason in this paragraph. In corresponding to your example here, you may show how much you think your writing has been improved.

3rd paragraph,
Additionally, people who want to be rich cannot depend on only luck to succeed. Even luck needs preparation which is based on hard work. As the saying goes "luck is when preparation meets opportunity." ....

My suggestion: There is nothing wrong about the sentence "Even luck needs preparation which is based on hard work," yet I personally find that it is not necessary as the following sentence already describes what you are trying to say in a much understandable way.

....For instance, I heard about a man who became rich by winning the lottery. ButNevertheless, his fortune did not last forever because he did not use it in aany financial project....

My suggestion: You may consider replacing "he did not use it in aany financial project" with something like "he did not use the money to make investments, nor did he try to keep it."
sntinn   
Jan 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1 The Amount of Money Spent on Books in Four Countries in Europe [3]

Paragraph 1
Overall, it is important to note that, over athe ten-year period ,the amount of money spent on booksweregradually rose in all the countries , but Germany leads led them over the period.

Problems:
1. Inconsistent tense: there is a mix between present and past tenses.
2. Less variety of vocabularies: you may consider replacing 'rise' with increase, growth, advance, etc.
3. There is a problem about the accuracy in your description. You mentioned in paragraph 1 that " there were the rise in the amount of money spent on books in all countries...." however, in the graph, the one of Italy dropped from 1997 to 1999.
sntinn   
Nov 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - "You're pretty, for a fat girl." [4]

In overall, I find that your essay identified the problem of how current trend of beauty and how it influences personal importance. This essay displays intense feeling, and at some point it is powerful.

However, if this essay is for academics, it should display more rational thinking, especially on the second paragraph.
I find your example to support the main theme in the 2dn paragraph which you said 'People say the strangest things to me, because I'm bigger I cannot achieve certain things or their shocked on what I'm capable of doing.' not convincing.

The example that you emceeing the schools pep assemblies could be used to relate the problem of body image and personal important, but it is not an obvious example to show the incompatibility between having a plus-sized body and the ability to give a good school's speech. (The size of human body could influence your confidence, but it is not an obstacle to give the speech.) It would be nicer if you can give the example that really support the problems. This leads me to think of activities that overweight people can do, though these activities are against people's perception about physical performance (such as gymnastics, ballets, dancing, etc.) As a result, it will help reflect your statement Does self image reflect the person as an whole? Also, the part.... afterwards a parent told me how shocked they were, because they couldn't believe I gave off so much confidence and was able to speak in front of my peers looking the way I do. ... only shows that your emotion is running wild.
sntinn   
Nov 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: A Number Of Young People Are Unhealthful To Undergo Their Way that They Live [2]

Prompt: Many children these days have unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Your response: You agree completely that both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

My comments regarding your essay as a whole : The task of this essay is to response to what extent you agree with this statement. However, your response is purely on one side. My suggestion is to check the example. I find the essay structure provided in ieltsbuddy/ielts-sample-essay.html looks reasonable.

My comments regarding your grammar is as follows:

Nowadays, a number of young people are unhealthful to undergo their unhealthy lifestylethat they live . These are maybe as there are lots of innutrition foods like fast food consumed in large number . I arguebelieve that the schools have obligations to teach children to do right actions for their health whereas the parents have to prepare and control their meal in home or school.

Problem no.1 the definition of unhealthful is harmful. People are not harmful, but their lifestyles are not healthy.
Problem no.2 in large number is redundant to lots of.
Problem no.3 'argue' may be used to show that your side is against the other side. For this one, I am not sure and that is why it is put in green, but I would rather use 'believe' to support my statement.

Children and teenagers need to be led to experience their life included how to become fit persons. When they are in surroundings of schools, teachers must give them information to broaden their horizons and direct them to eat only good foods or do sports, so they are avoided from illnesses . The tutors have to inform enough knowledge such as negative effects when people consume fast foods too much or important benefit when keep body healthily every day.

Problem no.1 Here I give the definition of illnesses in dictionary.reference.com/browse/illness?s=t. I think it is better to change from illness to other word that is related to bad life style such as sedentary.

Problem no.2 I think that it is better to keep using the word 'teacher' rather than 'tutors'. Though a purpose of this writing is to show the varieties and vocabulary, the word 'tutor' should be used for a more specific purpose.

However, not only the teachers but also the parents have similar responsibility. I believe that parents are the first persons who have the greatest impact for children. There are some ways that can be done by parents with providing freshly and qualify home foods like vegetables as well as fruits. Mothers should prepare children meal for their diets or beverages and ensure the food come or bought from trusted place. In addition, they have to cook in the right way, so the nutrition does not lose. Parents also should always control, suggest, and remind the children to apply healthy lifestyle because children do not have many concerns about these yet.

Problem no.1 there is no contradiction here. So 'however' is not necessary.
Problem no.2 ' the first persons who have the greatest impact for children' is a bit redundant
Problem no.3 'There are some ways' is vague. I think I would say 'Parents can help promote healthy lifestyles in many ways; for example, preparing fresh and quality home foods that contains vegetables and fruits'.

To sum up, parents and schoolteachers have to collaborate to support their children undergoing happy and healthy lifestyle. [i]The controlling should be in school and home so that young generations realize that this is very essential.[/i]

Problem no. 1 I think that there is nothing wrong with this sentence grammatically. It is the meaning that you try to convey appears to be very strong. I would rather replace 'the control in school and home ' with 'the support from schools and homes.' However, it depends on what you are trying to say.

Problem no. 2 the word this is vague. Please, be more specific.
sntinn   
Jun 12, 2014
Graduate / SOP for MS in VLSI (Digital Design); 'knowledge once gained can't be taken away' [4]

Dear

According to my research , (comma) not only your university provides an excellent environment and facilities, (comma) but the projects and areas of interest/work of the faculty present at your university are in most synchronization and in the right path for my goal.

Please, check the place where a comma is needed to be placed.
sntinn   
Apr 13, 2014
Writing Feedback / GREAs people rely on technology to solve problems, our ability turns upside down [3]

Thank you for your kind help and advice.
Your suggestions are helpful as you have pointed out the weakness in my essay, such that I could develop my writing skills.

To Pahan Thank you. I truly appreciate your inspection. My grammar needs to be improved as well as my words are often way too extreme. I like to hear your suggestions on how thing should be written. In fact, I find that it is very hard for me (who is not accustom to using the language) to express my thought.

To eddies Thank you for giving your thoughtful analysis, making precise corrections and expressing your opinion on my writing.

Technology has revolutionized lifestyle, attitudes and behavior of people.

is a very perfect way to say. I really like your analysis, and your expression which reflects how I should improve my writing.

To dumi. Thank you for your insightful correction and careful consideration on my essay.

Instead of blaming calculator for spoiling children's quantitative aptitude skills, we should blame educators, or may be their parents, who give up to difficulty during the process of learning of their child ?????? this is not clear to the reader at all :( .

In fact, I was trying to say that even if calculator is often blamed for causing the lack of mathematical skills in children, parents and educators should be responsible for their children's failure, too. To me, if their parents/educators would have paid close attention to their children's math skills, this problem would not happen at all. Parents/ teachers should have notice the lack of calculation skills due to the use of calculators, and hence, they could help their children understand when the tools should be used. I believe this can also be extended to the problem of children using calculators instead of mental calculation because the children want to make the good score. It is often to see parents pushing their children to be the greatest one at school, but they may neglect the fact that children may do the right things such as using the calculators to finish their homework. I am afraid that my words do not demonstrate my thought clearly. I would love to if you would suggest an alternative way of saying this. ^ ^

Thank you again for all of your helps and suggestions. : )
sntinn   
Apr 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / GREAs people rely on technology to solve problems, our ability turns upside down [3]

Dear communities,

I would like to ask for your help on my first GRE issue essay. I am willing to listen to all suggestions / corrections not only on the grammatical errors, but also in the content. I love to hear the alternative ways of writing and close analysis from you.

Thank you for giving your time on helping me.

Regards,

Prompt:


As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

----------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------
If we use technology to help solving most of problems in our lives, will we lost the ability to solve a problem for ourselves? It is often to hear a similar or the mere kind of statement that "technologies make our kids stupid." It is true that our live depends on the technological facilities; however, we are the master of these invention. Our technology facilitates our lives and helps engineers develop the new innovation.

On one hand, we blames technologies making us become a perfect receptors. We accustom to the live with the great support from technologies. We tend to search for the answer rather than using our ability to plan, to organize and to solve the confronted problem. We are trapped into the social media. We open to vast variety information, and most of which leads to us to be oblivious to the knowledge, as we lost our time on searching rather than developing ourselves. If humans still have to live with more of technology, will they become people who truly know nothing?

One can argue that using technologies cannot deter his thinking ability, as he does not allow himself to be its victims. We can choose the right channels to receive information, as well as we can avoid wasting our time on none-sense stuff on the internet. Instead of blaming calculator for spoiling children's quantitative skills, we should blame educators, or may be their parents, who give up to difficulty during the process of learning of their child. Technology is our tools. We give commands to control the use of technology and to make it efficient.

We might not be as strong as our ancestors, but with technology, we are better than those who live before us. We use technology to do the hard task for us, and to some extent, some ability might be lost; we can spend more time on developing ourselves at a much higher levels than the task of technology. With advanced mechanical technology, we develop automobiles that have not only the fastest speed ever made, but also consume the least amount of fuels and are eco-friendly. With infrastructural technology, we can make seemly impossible designs for the tallest ever skyline in each year. With technological development in science material, we have our buildings and architectures that are not only strong but also beautiful. Electrical energy not only free us from darkness, but also empowers us to control machines, drive electrical systems, and unleash our thought into worldwide communication. Space technology allows us to go far beyond our planet. Not only in the fields of engineers, our current technological development allow us to use the pure and absolute theory of mathematics to engineer new aspects of innovation.

Our lives and knowledge have been greatly improved with helps from technology. While the side effect of misuse of technology can also cause the drop of human's ability, we should keep in our mind that we are its master of technology. With our consciousness, we know when to use technology for having entertainment or for honing thinking ability.
sntinn   
Apr 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Rush vs. Slower Pace [5]

Hi LeonP
I think that your essay is quite perfect. I would like to give some suggestion on the last two sentences in the third paragraph.

As a result you might make mistakes, you would not have done with more patience. To illustrate, I once wrote an essay in a hurry and got a bad grade, because I made few mistakes I could have avoided.

I find that two of these sentences are similar in meaning. My brief suggestion is that you can omit the first one and add it into your example. To illustrate my point, you may say something like

" Once, I wrote an essay in haste and got a bad grade because I made minor mistakes. Such flaws would not have happened, if I would be more patient. "

Hope this could help you ^ ^

Best,
sntinn   
Apr 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Human needs vs. saving land for endangered animals [5]

Hi LeonP

To me, most of sentences are grammatically correct; I would like to suggest an alternative ways on some particular part in your essay.

Our behavior causes pollution, which heavily affects the weather conditions on planet Earth and causes the undoubtedly Global Warming. This not only affects the endangered animals, but it also makes our life harder to livehumans because of the unpredictable weather and more frequent natural disaster.we are affected by the increasing sea level and the climatic changes . For example, recent studies from the United Nations Organization have shown that, tillin 2050, the sea level will increase over one meter in the average. This The rising sea level will dalmatical ly affect all people living near the coast and change the global climate

In the green highlight, I would have said that The rising sea level will cause large migration of coastal area people leading to the overpopulation in the land areas as well as the large amount of water evaporation and precipitation leading to the larger and fiercer storms around the world.

PS. this is from a kind of movie. ^ ^
sntinn   
Apr 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Listening to the advice of family and friends or via personal experience? [5]

Prompt:
Some people believe that the best way of learning about life is by listening to the advice of family and friends. Other people believe
that the best way of learning about life is through personal experience. Compare the advantages of these two different ways of
learning about life. Which do you think is preferable? Use specific examples to support your preference.
================================================================= ==================================================
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother does love exist? She smiled, and said that some people believe that the best way to learn about love is through their personal life. Others choose to believe the advice from the experts. I believe that the best way to understand about love is to find it by myself.

First of all, I find the conclusion from my experience better than the advice from others. Because the suggestion can be influenced by personal perception, the tense of situation, one's past experience, the immediate reaction, and the present situation, the advice cannot give us the crystal clear understanding as our experience. For example, I find that the advice about marriage life from my mother are different depending on her emotions and her feeling toward my father at that moment. Even if her advice can give me a rough idea about how life is like, it cannot make me truly understand her.

Secondly, some feeling or experience cannot be described by words. I could understand that my mother might find it hard to describe, as when talking about marriage, she has random combinations of emotions: happiness, frustration, ambitions, failing, etc. In addition, my mother and my father has lived together for more than twenty five years. They has passed a lot of things together. My father could have been so mean, or so generous. He could even be a remarkable doctor, or the worst literature. Thousand words of my mother cannot be enough to describe about her husband.

Finally, taking my mother's advice for granted is what I often do. It is often than my experience teaches me the unforgettable lesson. Despite the pain due to my foolish, I still insist in learning from my own experience. As I got marry with my husband, I can feel the happiness from taking care of my love one. Even if this was the hardest work ever, I began to understand the joyfulness and frustration of my mother.

In sum, learning from experience hone my insight. Some experience cannot be describe by words, and it gives us the inerasable lessons. So learning by my own experience is better than listening to the advice from other people.
sntinn   
Mar 31, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl - Language plays a significant role in our lives [4]

sayes,
please, let me help you improve some parts of your essay.

1

Different jobs and places require people to speak multiple languages .

This sentence is grammatically correct; I would like to suggest an alternative way to write this sentence.
Knowing foreign languages, one do his job effectively as he can communicate with people from different countries.

2

when I was in fifth grade in the school of my hometown, we had to take foreign language class. I didn't have any idea about the importance of languages.I decidede to learn French language.

I would like to suggest the following sentence as the alternative way to tell people about the obligation of students in your school.
The fifth grade students in my school have to take a foreign language class. I didn't have any idea about the importance of languages.I decided to take French language .

3

AsAfter I graduated from university and I found that it would have been better if I had takenlearned Spanish classinstead of French during my school days.

sntinn   
Mar 29, 2014
Undergraduate / Transfer Essay from Community College; 'Cervial and Breast Cancer study' [3]

I apologize for the meaning of colors (that I should have told you), and some information that I forgot.

1.
The blue color is for the phrase/sentence that I rephrase your words.

The green color is for the phrase/sentence that should have been added into your essay. For example, I think that adding " at XXXX university " can help the reader become clear about your work place.

The red color is for the phrases/sentences that I am not sure about the meaning, and have no idea on what it should have been. Some sentences in red can be improved.

2.
You may tell the reader at the first sentence of your paragraph. For example,

My reason for transferring to xxx program is to broaden my resources to attain higher education.

can be changed to

My reason for transferring from YYY program in YYY university to bbb program in BBB university is to broaden my resources to attain higher education.

PS. BBB is the program that you are going to apply to/ that you are going to send this essay to.
YYY is your current program.
sntinn   
Mar 29, 2014
Undergraduate / Transfer Essay from Community College; 'Cervial and Breast Cancer study' [3]

I find your essay interesting; as a reader, some of your sentences should have been written as in the following paragraphs.

My education at x Community College has been altogether positive.However,My reason for transferring to xxx program is to broaden my resources to attain higher education. With the pursuit of majoring in Neuroscience and becoming a Physician Assistant, I would best be suited in the xxx program that offers excellent research environment in a pre-health concentration.( I guess that the concentration is a field of your major)in an environment with opportunities for research, studying abroad, and a pre health concentration.

During fall, I became a Research Associate and workedwas a research associate in the Emergency Department at XXXX universityto gain clinical research experience . I enrolled participantsparticipated in a Cervial and Breast Cancer study, the third largest research conducted in the United States. MostMore importantly, I was able to directly interact with patients in a high volume emergency room. During the progression of the program, I realized my immense desire to work on a team of doctors and nurses to critically alleviate those in need.

x Community College has helped me in tremendous ways. It proved me a solid education in core courses such as French, Abnormal Psychology, and Sociology. I boastedhave (the decent GPA) of 3.6 GPAin my first semester and also participated in generous (I cannot follow you on this; I am sorry. what does the generous extracurricular activities mean to you) extracurricular activities on campus and made great friends along the way.

Though my education here has been requisite, I am limited in terms of course selection for my desired major (this sentence sounds a bit negative in my opinion; if I were you, I would say that the education from my previous/current school has prepared me a strong back ground in the prerequisite subjects such as Biology, and the xxx program will hone my understanding toward the research in my major).However if admitted,Being a student in the xxx program , I am excited to takemy knowledge will be improved by taking the courses such as xxx that will prepare me for my ultimate goal.In addition/ Moreover, I would like to do the project in cognitive brain imaging duringfor the undergraduate summer research program opportunities at the medical center. Taking everything into account, my reasons for transferring stand clear: to gain the experienceunparalleled opportunity thatand to enhance my knowledge toward the researches in NeuroscienceI cannot receive at my current institution .
sntinn   
Mar 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Eassy For Toefl: computer for students vs books for library [6]

I find that "help of ..." is the phrase that you use very often.
I would recommend that you should find the other expression in place of "help of".
For example,

I took help of computer and internet, from internet i downloaded the book and finished my assignment on time.

In fact, as a reader, I can catch up with your idea that the computer and internet are your best friends when you do your homework, so you can simply say,

" I use computer and internet to download books and help me finish my assignments on time."

With the help of those software

can be replaced by "the advantage of those software"

I learned Java programming without any help of book.

>>> without the books.
sntinn   
Mar 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Questbridge College Prep - your community; what would you change and why? 'Segregation' [6]

Could you, please, give more explanation on whom you will send your essay to. I mean another school ?
In addition, does the mentor of this essay give you only 100 words ? I mean it is very brief.

The negative impact from bad reputation of my school mars my attitude toward learning. Atlanta Public Schools was once convicted of a cheating scandal, as well as it has recently been convicted of illegally allowing out of zone students onto the football team. Throughout my years at Grady, I have made sure that I strive to achieve academic excellence. However, it seemed that my learning capabilities would not matter. If colleges take the negative marks of my high school, I would not be accepted to be one of their students. (93)

I hope this will help.
Best wish,
sntinn   
Mar 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: friends you can have fun with or those who can help you? [4]

life problem-free

I think that you means the problem-free life

Reading an interesting book, listening to beautiful songs, watching a hilarious movie, or just enjoying a cup of good coffee,

Parallel rule

And soTherefore, it is necessary for everyone to have some special people in life, people like parents, siblings and also the unrelated-but- still-important ones, which we called friends

AndHence , if we really need company, there are many options as well.

After graduation, my best friend in high school and I were thousands miles apart because we went to universities in different cities. During all four years, we both had new friends and did not contact with each other frequently. But when I had problem in relationship or felt nervous about exams, she was always the first one came to my mind, and she could comfort me and enlighten me though we only talked on the phone. She has an ability to compassionately point out my problem and give me practical advice with her gentle words every time when I am facing problems, which makes me feel so lucky to have her in my life.

Even if my best friend and I were studying in different school, were separated by the distance of a thousand miles, and were making new friends, we still held on together when one of us was in trouble. She washas always been the first one who cameshowed up in my mind. and She could comfort me and enlightened me even though we only talkedthe whole talk was on the phone. She has an ability to compassionately point out my problem and give me practical advice with her gentle words every time when I am facing problems., whichI feel so lucky to have her in my life.

I would like to suggest that you should cut down some details as the reader can imagine about what you are going to say. For example, ....

She has the ability to compassionately point out my problem and give me advice with her gentle words every time when I am facing problems

She (might be the only person who) can calm me down when I have trouble and gently give me advice on what I should do.

You may use the phrase inside the bracket to emphasis that your friend is very special to you, .
sntinn   
Mar 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Keep trying and never stop working for your goals. [6]

Thank you dumi. That is very kind of you. I would certainly try to improve my introduction. ^ ^

Pahan

sntinn:
Thirdly, the success that comes from our endeavor is more valuable than the one that can be obtained easily.
What is the relevance of this idea to your prompt? Your prompt talks about keep trying and never stop working.

You are right. Could I make it like this...
Thirdly, we might feel that the duty to achieve our goal is too heavy to carry on. I believe that the duty is worthy of carrying. When the distance is longer and harder to achieve, a runner who can go beyond his limit will proud of himself. He can feel the sweetness of triumph because he did not stop pursing his goal.

I would also love to hear your suggestion and your comment. ^ ^ By the way, thank you for your kind response. ^ ^
sntinn   
Mar 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Keep trying and never stop working for your goals. [6]

The test of triumph is sweeter not only because of the rewards that is high "Rewards that are high"--what does it mean? Please rephrase it.

I am sorry for the confusion. Actually, I meant to say that "It is better that a man conquers himself than that he win a reward."
sntinn   
Mar 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Keep trying and never stop working for your goals. [6]

TOEFL task 2
Question: The expression "Never, never give up" means to keep trying and never stop working for your goals. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your

reasons.

"Keep running!," shouted from my heart but my legs can hardly move. During running for 20 Kilometers in a marathon running tournament 2014, I saw some people stopped running while the others fought until their last minute. At some moment, my body was telling me to stop but the choice that I made was on the contrary. I did not stop and won a medal goals in my life at the age of nearly thirty. From this experience, I believe that a person should keep trying for his goals.

Firstly, committing to our goal helps creating personal worth. For example, I realized the true potential of my body and mind as I decided to train myself hard. Even if I were not to win this medal, I acknowledged the great amount of my endeavor as I could keep my tired legs running.

Secondly, one who learns the great difficulty will become stronger. I remembered how I was suffered in the first round when I was last person who touched the line. However, I did not give up, and believed that I would be better in the next round because I knew how to improve myself. I had been a loser for a thousand time before the first winning, and suffering from losing in each competition makes me stronger.

Thirdly, at some point, we, as an average people, might feel that the responsibility to our goal is too heavy to carry on. I believe that the responsibility is worthy of carrying. When the distance is longer and harder to achieve, a runner who can go beyond his limit will proud of himself. He can feel the sweetness of triumph because he did not stop pursing his goal.

For these reasons, I agree that one should not give up, as the true reward is to have the dignity. Anyone who wants to achieve the goal should acknowledge that his effort and experience from suffering helps him understand his true potential and increase his strength, and ultimately, it will prompt him to be ready for overcoming the greater challenge in his life.
sntinn   
Mar 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Most significant invention of the last 30years - Internet [6]

Your content is quite good; there are some minor errors.

every thing

everything

communicate by

communicate to/with (if you want this be the intransitive verb)

For example, we can communicate by our family without visiting them; we can send letter, duty, document to someone by emails; we can lecture by online (learning distance); we can apply job or university overseas by internet. Internet can also solve social problem like traffic jam because many companies allow their employee doing their job in their home, and it is able to stop criminal action like stopping drugs distribution.

The comma should be replaced with the semi-colon to separate each sentence.

Good luck
sntinn   
Mar 15, 2014
Letters / Dear Grad School Admission; LETTER TO GRAD SCHOOL [2]

Hi all, could you please help me correct my grammar and mistakes on this email. I would like to have it polite as much as possible, but my intention may be fail without the help from you guys. By the way, I appreciate all suggestions or comment

----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

Dear Grad School Admission

I am a master degree applicant in XXX Department.
As XXX University is highly competitive, I took the GRE score on the XXXth of MONTH, 20XX.
I would like to know whether it is possible for me to improve my profile with the new GRE score.

Thank you for your consideration.

Best Regards,

Name
sntinn   
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Learning from experience or from book, TOEFL [6]

I would like to apologize for my misconception and the way I wrote. I admitted that it might be my lack of understanding about the style of the toefl essay.

Could you please describe more about the background that I should have given in the essay.
Should I give the definition, for example, what is learning from experience and what kinds of knowledge learned from each method.

By the ways, I always feel thankful to your help.

Sntin
sntinn   
Mar 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Learning from experience or from book, TOEFL [6]

"How can a person know such things if he has never stepped away from his home?, " that is said by the elderly in my home town. My answer is simple. " Well, he must have learned from books." Even if books cannot teach me everything, I believe that learning from books is better than learning from experience. My examples to support my stand are given in the following.

First of all, while learn from experience is limited by the conditions such as time, place, and the life of the learners, books gives a person more opportunity to learn. For instance, one can travel through time and study the records of the important situations when reading books of history. Similarly, he/she can go beyond the earth by reading books such as books in astrology. Even if the person is not an astronaut, he/she can imagine how the galaxy should looks like.

Secondly, reading books can be the fastest and cheapest way to access the information. On the other hands, one take a longer time to acquire experiences which may also be paid at the higher cost. For example, in school, reading textbooks also save my time because I can select the specific topics related to the topics of interest, instead of following the course syllabus which will make me spend a lot of time to complete every chapter. In addition, because I can learn from books, I can save my money by skipping some fundamental courses.

Thirdly, while it is true that learning from experience gives a person the remarkable memory, I contend that some experiences do not worth risking for. For example, the guidance from tourist books helped me as a traveler avoid making myself in danger. Following the tourist guide books, I found the best location to rest a night, the night market to do shopping without being thieved, and the roads to walk without having to be worried about criminals.

In conclusion, learning from books is economic in terms of time and money. It also sets us free from most of the conditions; we can learn the life of others people, the exotic kind of knowledge, or the stories in the past. The stories of people in books give us consciousness and lessons. For these reasons, learning from books is the better way to horizon one's knowledge and hone one's perception.
sntinn   
Jan 26, 2014
Essays / could any one help me and check the small part of essay i need it now as soon as possible [3]

In my opinion imagination is ambition and passion for an idea,imagine and dream about it until we find the way to turn it into reality in the right moment.

This sentence should be separated into two sentences.
In my opinion imagination is ambition and passion for an idea.
We imagine and dream about it until we find the way to turn it into reality in the right moment.
sntinn   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL/Disagree Playing Computer Games wastes time and students should not be allowed! [3]

therefore time on this activity is really time wasting

in order to catch the eyes of the children,majority of the games use war, violence, bloody, or sexual subjects to lure the students.

You should separate this sentence into two sentences, and in fact, these sentences should be put in different paragraphs. Because in the 2nd paragraph, you are talking about how computer game steals time from children. Thus, in the next paragraph, you may introduce the violence conveyed to children by computer game. I believe that there are many examples of children or teenages that applied the violence from computer games to their real life such as gun shooting, raping, etc.

Admittedly, there are a few students paying considerable time on the computer games playing finally choose computer games related jobs as their career.

Admittedly, ...is used at the beginning of the sentence to introduce a concession or recognition that something is true or is the case.
For example, "admittedly, the salary was not wonderful, but the duties were light."
So, you may say that

Admittedly, there were students who eventually became game designers, but despite the time that they lost, only a few of them went for this job.
sntinn   
Jan 23, 2014
Undergraduate / USC application essay - How will you benefit society? [3]

I will enter with a degree in computer science

I agree with the previous comment.

Well,... actually I am not a person in computer science, but most of my peers are in computer science and they do the part of programming, such as developing websites, creating computer program, maintenancing computer systems. The applications of computer science is extensive, so I would like to suggest that you may focus on the applications that interest you or in the on-going projects of the program that you are applying to. In addition, your answer will be more concise, if you know what you are going to learn in the program.

One of the application that I usually find in my friends' work is developing computer program for medications: enhancing the user interface between computer and doctors, creating the graphical interpretation of the human organs, manipulating medical image, etc. Another may be the application on network routing, and developing the websites. I also found some people developing algorithms for solving mathematical problems such as in optimization problems, estimations and predictions, etc.

It is recommended that you should talk to people who are studying in this field, or who already graduated, because I guessed that the questionnaire want to know about your vision toward your study and your work.