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Posts by vangiespen
Name: Louisa, EssayForum Contributor
Joined: Aug 22, 2014
Last Post: Feb 17, 2016
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vangiespen   
Feb 17, 2016
Graduate / 'Highly ranked institution' - Graduate application essay for M.Sc construction management [4]

Sagar, you are right that the university admissions officers want to know why you chose their school. What they do not want to know about, are the generalized reasons for your interest in the university. These general pieces of information include publicly known information about the university such as their ranking, their general programs, their student community, and even, information about their cafeteria. In this case, your statement carries only general information and thus, becomes non-effective in impressing the reviewer. You don't need to remind them of their everyday workplace experiences in your graduate application.

Impressing the reviewer is based upon the way that you depict yourself as having done your homework about the background of the school. For example, tell them you want to attend the university because one of your role models is Prof. X who teaches at the university. Maybe discuss how you heard about an internship program they offer which you feel you will benefit from participating in. Go so far as to discuss their research center and any opportunity to might be able to take from there to help you in further developing the construction field through some research you are interested in. The reviewer needs to read about your enthusiasm to enroll in the university for specific, not general reasons.
vangiespen   
Feb 16, 2016
Undergraduate / Installation artist hoping to transfer to SAIC this fall- I really need a fresh pair of eyes! [2]

Giovanni, instead of discussing the Fibonacci Sequence at the start of your essay, why don't you just immediately discuss your scientific inspiration instead? The mathematical equation you present at the start, although interesting to read, takes too long to get through before you even get to the sentence that introduces your own artistic thoughts in relation to the sequence. Instead of having to explain the sequence and its importance to your art, just discuss your art.

If you go directly to a discussion regarding your art, you will find that you will then be able to focus on the other aspect of the essay that you did not properly represent, actually, you did not represent it at all in this essay, I speak of the following instruction:

Please also include information about community service projects, exhibitions you have participated in, or any other activities that contribute to the making of your work

While you explain where you get your inspiration for doing your art work, you don't really explain how this type of activity has helped to make you a better person and develop a marked sense of community through your life experiences. You should mention things like your charitable activities, or civic work that has inspired your art in order to better represent the aforementioned aspect of your prompt discussion. Without a reference to it, your prompt does not come across as completely informative as an introductory tool.
vangiespen   
Feb 16, 2016
Scholarship / 'The KGSP seems like a dream come true for me' - Introduction Letter - KGSP/Master's scholarship [2]

Stan, your reasons for studying in Korea under this program are not very clear. As such, you were not able to properly offer a response to the following questions:

o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

I think that you were not able to properly represent your motivations for applying because you did not really inform the reader about what course of study you wish to pursue in relation to your college degree or career enhancement opportunities. You should consider revising the latter part of your essay to specifically mention information related to that aspect of your application. Look at the sample essays here for this very same scholarship, those should give you a better idea as to how to respond to the motivation part.

As for the reasons for studying in Korea, the reasons you currently have listed are not impressive at all, does not really offer a familiarity with the Korean culture, history, or business leadership position in the world. All of which would have helped you to better explain the important considerations for wishing to study in Korea. Consider the masters degree you are applying to and how Korea has helped make its mark in that field up to the present time. Then consolidate the information you will find into a paragraph that can best reflect your personal interest for wishing to study in Korea. Don't just gloss over it, offer details, that is what is important for the reader to know about.
vangiespen   
Feb 16, 2016
Graduate / 'Highly ranked institution' - Graduate application essay for M.Sc construction management [4]

Sagar, please od not refer to email communications with other students in your application essay. That is the worst kind of hearsay recommendation that you can use for this sort of application. It sounds more like you are just taking the word of someone else rather than actually looking into the background of the school and its relevance to your application. In fact, I believe that you should not mention any reason as to why you are considering the school for your application unless specifically required by the application form. If it is not required information, please just remove that and the reference to the environment of the school location. Those are unnecessary pieces of information that don't add to the information as to why your application should be considered instead of the others applying along with you.

Your essay can also be more effective if you remove the paragraph that indicates:

Xxx University is one of the world's premier technical Institutions; especially both the partner departments for the CM program, department of architecture and Industrial sciences is consistently ranked among the best. ...

You don't need to describe the school to the reviewer. He is more familiar with the university than you will ever be. This sort of discussion is just a waste of space. If you remove it, the essay will be shorter, more focused, and deliver only the important and required points of the essay.

By the way, do you have any other instructions for this motivation letter that I should be taking into consideration as I review it?
vangiespen   
Feb 16, 2016
Graduate / Statement Letter for University of Glasgow (City Planning & Real Estate Development MSc) [5]

Putro, are you writing a statement of intent or statement of purpose for this university? I need to be sure of the type of statement you are writing so that I can give you the advice applicable to the application you are writing. Each statement that you are required to write for a masters degree varies in content and theme, depending upon the objective of the essay. That is why I need to be sure of what kind of essay you are writing.

A word of advice though, and this applies regardless of whether you are writing a statement of intent or statement of purpose, remove the first two paragraph of the essay that you currently have written. You are not writing a policy paper critique. Therefore, the definition and explanations that you have at the beginning are of no interest to the reviewer. Always offer your personal information and more pertinent data upfront. don't leave it for the 4th paragraph as you have done so now.
vangiespen   
Feb 16, 2016
Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Juan, I cannot believe that it took you all of this time before telling me that your motivation for the course is based upon your dream of working for NASA. You should definitely include that in this essay. In fact, your essay should have revolved around developing that career objective for yourself from the very beginning. I wish you had told me about this sooner. Now I feel like we need to revise the essay in a major way in order to insert his highly important information in it.

Do me a favor, please insert the information about your NASA dream in the essay. Place it at the point where you believe it will work best for your essay application. I want to see in what context you plan on using that information. Then post the revised essay here so that I can review it and let you know of the content adjustments that we need to get done in order to make the new version of the essay work with parts of the original. I hope you won't be very angry with me because I am asking you to do this. I assure you, the essay will be better off for it.
vangiespen   
Feb 16, 2016
Graduate / 'I was never a computer savvy' - SOP TO GET ADMISSION in A MASTERS' of DATA SCIENCES PROGRAM [6]

Franklin, I will try to put this as gently as possible. What you wrote is not a statement of purpose, it is a personal statement. Those are two different essays. The personal statement is used, normally, for college applications, while the statement of purpose is mainly used to apply for masters degree applications. The overall content of the essay that you presented does not contain any relevant information towards a masters degree application. It is more geared towards a college application. Therefore, and I really hate to say this, you have to write a totally new draft. One that will allow you to better represent your qualifications as a masters degree student. I know, you are wondering how you are supposed to do that since you got this application draft so wrong. There are actually a few pointers that can help you sort this out.

1. Just summarize your college education. Discuss the point after you graduated when you realized that you need to gain higher studies and training in order to succeed in this line of work. \

2. Analyze and present your most important reasons for wishing to continue with these studies. Note your future career plans at that point, regardless of the fact that you do not have any actual work experience. By actual work experience, I mean that you have yet to acquire professional credentials in the field.

3. Even though you lack real world work experience, I am sure you had to undergo some sort of internship program in order to complete your college degree, present that as it will help to at least offer an idea as to the kind of hands on exposure in the field that can help you succeed in this field.
vangiespen   
Feb 16, 2016
Letters / Motivation Letter for CEMS-Master of International Management in University of Economics, Prague [4]

Yes, you need to find your main motivation for wishing to pursue higher studies. While having many motivations for your studies is a good thing, you need to be able to pinpoint the main reason why you wish to complete this degree. Think of it this way, when you plan a trip, you always have a destination in mind. Now, in order to reach that destination, you need to know how you plan to get there. By having a plan for travel and a destination mapped out, you know exactly what you have to do in order to accomplish your task. That is the same thing that you need to do and represent when you write your motivation letter.

Consider the program of study you wish to undertake. Think about how this knowledge can help you in the future and whom you hope to help by becoming a more competent participant in the field. Those should pretty much help you find your main motivation for your studies. After that, think of how the university you have chosen can help you achieve those goals. That will be the method by which you hope to attain your objective. Presenting those two solid plans should serve as the main points to be presented in your motivation letter.
vangiespen   
Feb 16, 2016
Undergraduate / Descriptive writing : A outdoor festival in winter in a cold climate [7]

Samuel. your teacher is correct. That is because the sentences can actually still be developed into more complex and informative thought structures. Since this is a piece of writing that is concentrated on the description of the place, I did not bother to bring up the hanging sentence problems because the slight shortcomings that you have in terms of sentence structure did not deduct from your ability to accurately describe the scenario in the essay.

I am not sure what it is that you want me to do for you at this point or what to advice you because I am not your creative writing teacher. It is his job to teach you how to correct your shortcomings when it comes to sentence development. I am only here to comment on your writing style and as far as I am concerned, you are on the right track and have the potential to improve greatly in the future :-)
vangiespen   
Feb 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Essay about young adults wanting independence and living alone or with their parents [3]

Rachel, here is the thing, when you are asked to pick a side to discuss in an essay. you cannot and should never opt to say you have mixed feelings about a topic. Just decide to support one side and discuss it. You won't be faulted for your choice, there are no right or wrong answers to the given prompt. All it asks, is that you pick a side and defend. it.

The best way to have responded to this essay would have been to base it upon your own personal opinion or ideas. You should have asked yourself if you ever found yourself wishing to live independently of your parents. Analyze the reasons why you think that. The line of reasoning that you develop in that aspect would have been the best way to discuss the essay since it asks you to base your opinion upon specific reasons and examples. A personal analysis, opinion, and decision would have reflected a sense of conviction on your part and offered an implied understanding of the thesis prompt.
vangiespen   
Feb 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / If you get a chance to change something in my society which one you prefer ? [4]

Maruf, in your essay, you provided a thesis statement that indicated your intention of improving the transportation system of the country. Now, when you develop your thesis statement, all of your points for discussion should be included in it, usually in a summarized form. This allows the reader to gain an overview of the upcoming topics for discussion. The problem, is that you did not complete your thesis statement. While you concentrated most of the thesis statement on the development of the transportation sector of the your country, your first body paragraph discusses a different point, communication.

Since you discussed a different topic in the succeeding statement, you should have adjusted your thesis statement to indicate two kinds of discussion, that of communication and transportation, within the essay. Now, for the next problem of your essay relating to the topic of communication. That paragraph in particular is the most confusing and unfocused part of your essay development. It does not properly discuss the importance of communication in your country or intentions and, it also contains a number of other topic discussions within it. These made the paragraph the weakest point of your essay.

It will be in your best interest to develop a more proper thesis statement and then open the discussion with a properly formatted paragraph that concentrates on one topic at a time. Keep in mind that you only have 5 paragraphs with which to discuss your chosen topic. So concentrate on the most important parts and develop those discussions rather than trying to discuss everything you can think of in one paragraph or one essay.
vangiespen   
Feb 13, 2016
Letters / Motivation Letter for CEMS-Master of International Management in University of Economics, Prague [4]

In all honesty, the motivation for your application is not clear at all. You have mentioned information that should be placed in a personal statement. which changed the premise of the essay in total. In order to better explain your motivation, you must first discover what your purpose is. Where do your interests lie? Why do think you need to take this more advanced course?

Think of it this way, your college education was the foundation that you lay for your interest in this field. After creating the foundation, you discovered that there was more to this career than you first thought. Your discovery has helped you realize that there is more to learn about the field and you need to pursue that knowledge because... It is the word because that represents your motivation. What word would follow the statement "I am motivated to pursue a higher degree because..." That is the motivation for your interest in higher studies and that is what you should reflect more of in this letter.
vangiespen   
Feb 12, 2016
Scholarship / I have graduated a Bachelor of Science in geology - INTERNATIONAL MASTER'S SCHOLARSHIP application [7]

Christopher, please refrain from using exclamation points in your essay. That is considered impolite in the academic world and shows a lack of respect for the reader. It connotes shouting, which something that you do not want to do to the scholarship reviewer. Please omit that the exclamation point so that you can come across as more respectful towards the reader.

Now, as for the information you have placed, you have managed to shed light on the reasons why this scholarship is important to you. However, it seems to be too wordy at this point because you even recap your undergraduate studies. I suggest that you instead summarize that point, as I am sure that you will be submitting documents to prove your grades and other important details. Just focus the essay on the importance of the essay and why you feel you should qualify for it among other things. By the way, the line about your parents telling you about the importance of education comes across as "trying hard" so just skip the mention of that. The essay will be stronger if you do so.
vangiespen   
Feb 12, 2016
Undergraduate / Leadership, progress, and service during the past three years. Georgia Tech admission essay. [4]

Juan, when you are asked to represent 3 character traits in an essay, never, ever, make the mistake of presenting 3 separate stories for the 3 traits when only one will do. always try to keep the attention of the reviewer on only a single event because if you present one too many events, you will end up with a reviewer who will remember only bits and pieces of your story, without developing a complete picture of who you are after he reads the essay.

That said, you don't need to deliver all of this information to the reviewer, the data you did not include in the essay isn't even required so I do not know why you seem to be worried about not having included those irrelevant data bits from your life. Now, what I would like you to do is concentrate on discussing your work experience at Chez Gourmet. From what I read of that paragraph, if properly developed, your time spent there actually delivers on all 3 required aspects of the prompt. You just need to know how to present it properly.

I definitely think you should revise the essay. This time, consider writing it only from the scenario of your having worked at the restaurant. Think about how your work there more than once allowed you to display the traits. I am sure you will figure it out. By the way, the part about you receiving your permanent residency card, delete that. It is highly irrelevant and does not help your essay in any way. Instead, it shows a prompt deviation from the start which could result in the reviewer not finishing the review of your response.
vangiespen   
Feb 12, 2016
Undergraduate / Taiwan and the hidden talents. SoP- Applying for master program - Arts management, administration. [5]

Chi-Wei, you essay offers a tremendous amount of information, but it does not deliver on the preset questions that a Masters degree student is expected to answer. In all honesty, none of the information in your current essay tells me , using the eye of a reviewer, that you would succeed as a masters degree student in this field due to the many missing elements of your professional skills. That is of course unless you are applying for one of those master's degree courses that don't require any work experience. In which case, your essay is just guilty of being over verbose.

It would help your essay a lot if you could just summarize most of the content and try to concentrate on presenting your short and long term goals instead. That way, you at least show the reviewer the relevance of the MS degree to your future career and you can create a relationship between your past academic experience and your desire for a masters certification. The rest of your essay, relating to your "work experience" just needs to be shortened, taking the attention off your lack of related experience, so that your overall essay will seem stronger than it actually is.
vangiespen   
Feb 12, 2016
Undergraduate / How to write a short structured, autobiography - AppState Hayes Music School Essay [4]

Rebecca, you failed to mention where you come from in the first paragraph. That was the first required information in that paragraph so missing out on presenting it became a glaring error. You were able to satisfy the other aspects of the requirements though. However, your presentation is to perfunctory and does not use any imagination or transition sentences to its advantage.

You should not just concentrate on delivering the answers to the questions alone. You should make the response interesting to read. Be imaginative in your descriptions. Try to bring the reviewer into your world. Excite his senses. Make him feel or imagine what you are trying to explain. Right now, the essay is not that all interesting to read and does not entice the reader to proceed to the next paragraphs. That is a bad sign for you. That means that if submitted, the reviewer may just pass on reading the rest of your essay or not consider the content interesting enough to benefit your application.
vangiespen   
Feb 12, 2016
Undergraduate / What you would like to be for one day / Why Franklin & Marshall? F&M Supplements [5]

Calvin, both of your ideas would work well. However, I think that being a humanitarian aid worker would have more of an impact upon society or the world in general. Being a lawmaker is like saying you want to be a pencil pusher. a lawmaker just makes laws that people may of may not decide to follow. But a humanitarian worker touches peoples lives in a way that makes their existence meaningful and important in our modern society.

Try to develop the idea a bit more. Think about the greatest tragedies that the world has had in this century. Then imagine the kind of aid worker you can be in similar scenario. You could even make up an original scenario if you want to. Just make sure that your narrative expresses how you can make a difference at that time. Maybe you have a special skill, training, or interest that will be of great help in such an instance. It all depends upon how you develop the idea.
vangiespen   
Feb 12, 2016
Graduate / MS of Accounting/ Career path essay/Legal background [2]

Yongyi, there is nothing correct about the essay that you wrote. It does not reflect the response that the prompt requires. You gave a rundown of your work experience in the essay instead of depicting the kind of work that you see yourself doing in the future. The reviewer is not interested in your previous work experience. So you should not be presenting it in this essay. Only the latter part of the written work somewhat answers the instruction. Take this portion of the essay and build on it:

After completing the Masters in Accounting at Bentley University, I plan to work in consulting firms either in China or the U.S. to reinforce the knowledge I learn and build up my practical skills in accounting...

That provides an overview response to the prompt. All you have to do at this point is review the essay in accordance with the requirements you were given. Each sentence of the above paragraph actually gives an answer to the question posed. All you have to do is expand upon each sentence, developing it into a paragraph long response each time.
vangiespen   
Feb 12, 2016
Undergraduate / An experience that taught you about yourself or the world... UBC Personal Profile (Computer Science) [3]

Kingsley, the essay you wrote does not reflect the kind of response that the prompt requires. This is not about your development as a professional and what you learned about in the workplace. Although, that is another way of looking at it. The essay is actually asking for a description of how you have developed as a person. You are being asked to relate a story that could show the reviewer a unique aspect of your character or personality that can indicate how you can be an asset to the student community, not necessarily the academic sector.

That is why you are being asked to specifically relate what you learned from the event and it helped to shape your view of the world around you. You should indicate those two important aspects in your response. While this essay responds to the prompt to a certain degree, it does not deliver the expected insight into your character and point of view.

Try to think of an activity where you were involved in a diverse situation or a strange (to you) predicament. what lesson did you learn from it? Think along those lines and you will be able to deliver a more responsive essay in the end.
vangiespen   
Feb 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / In many countries, the life expectancy is used as indicators to monitor the health of population [5]

Andri, it will be in your best interest to revise the whole essay that you have written. A number of reasons exist that make it evident that simply writing a new essay is necessary. The first reason being that your opening statement is just plain confusing. Second, your examples are just not applicable (sword vs. scalpel) because of it is archaic in relevance or just doesn't apply to modern medicine. Third, your essay does not evenly discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living longer.

You should learn to asses the requirements of the prompt with your current discussion. The prompt contains all of the guide questions that you need to make sure are represented in the essay. Double checking your response for prompt responsiveness would have helped you avoid that problems that your essay has. If there is a question in the prompt that you cannot find a response to in your essay, then your essay needs to be revised. That is the simple way of editing your essay. I hope you can apply it to your future work.
vangiespen   
Feb 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / Good health is one of the crucial life components. Pros and cons of the medical care improvement. [2]

Anita, when you say "living increase and life expectancy", you actually mean the same thing, which is a longer life. Therefore, you can use one description or the other, but never both. Using both results in redundancy which shows a lack of understanding of the English vocabulary. You also cannot say vice-versa in the introduction. You are not stating the results of a report as in the case of the IELTS writing task. Always present a complete representation of your opinion or discussion in the opening statement. Don't use shortcuts. You have to prove that you have the advanced ability to use the English language and the best place to do that is in the first paragraph of an essay. Mostly because this is the point during the reading of your essay, when the examiner's attention is still fully on the paper that you wrote and the skills that you display.

One of the weaknesses that I see in your essay is the way that you do not fully represent the benefits of a longer life. You mention generalized information without actually mentioning the source of the information. Offer examples of government health programs that have resulted in the longer life expectancy of the elderly. Then connect it to the examples that you have stated in your essay. That is one way of creating a strong discussion point in your essay.

As for your disadvantage argument, you need to develop that paragraph in a better sense. It seems to just be a rushed summary of your reasoning and that creates a confusing paragraph for the reader. Try to clarify your point of discussion and make sure that it is easily understandable.

You know that you cannot discuss your opinion in the conclusion right? So why did you do that in this essay? Revise your conclusion. Write a real conclusion that does not include your personal opinion. That should be a separate, stand alone paragraph. Don't mix it in with your conclusion. That shows that you do not really know how to write an English essay.
vangiespen   
Feb 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / Developing of medical system in many sides keep people healthier and their life expectancy is higher [5]

Adie, I agree with Carol, when you develop the essay, make sure to use a short outline to help you develop your ideas and presentation in the essay. You have to learn to identify the keywords that exist in the prompt in order to develop a strong introductory statement. If you get the keywords, you will be able to present all of the necessary information in the opening statement. In this essay, the keywords, as I identify them are:

consequences of improved medical, living longer, life expectancy is increasing, advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages.

So, if you take the keywords and then build your paragraph around those words, you will be able to accurately restate the prompt, depict the opinions existing regarding the topic, and finally, present your opinion regarding it. the opening statement is the most critical piece of writing in any English language test. I suggest that you constantly strive to improve your opening statement presentation because that is where the initial impression and score regarding your ability as an English language writer will be based upon.
vangiespen   
Feb 9, 2016
Scholarship / I have graduated a Bachelor of Science in geology - INTERNATIONAL MASTER'S SCHOLARSHIP application [7]

Then discuss that aspect. Explain why you need the scholarship aside from how the scholarship can help you. You mentioned in the original essay that "My commitment to study helped me to obtain sponsors to cover my scholarly fees until my graduation. . " Go a step further and explain why they should take a chance on you as a scholar this time around. Do you remember how you were asked to write a statement of purpose for your masters application? Do something similar in this essay. Talk about your dreams and aspirations for your future, or the future of the field that you are involved in.

Scholarships are sometimes won based upon the vision of a student. When I asked you to discuss your ability to pay your tuition, that was optional. It was not mandatory. If you cannot afford to pay any fees at all then say so. However, make sure that you follow that up with viable reasons for them to support you because of your vision for the future.

You can always discuss looking for a job when you get into the MS studies through the help of the scholarship. In fact, I would recommend it because it shows a go-getter attitude. The scholarship committee appreciates the passion, drive, and ambition of the students. If you can prove that you will do what it takes to stay in school, you just might set yourself apart from the other applicants.
vangiespen   
Feb 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / People are living longer due to medical care - is it a positive trend? [3]

Mita, look out for the words that you use. Make sure that you use the proper word to describe what it is that you want to say. For instance, in your opening statement, you said that " their quality of life is inclining". Inclining depicts an upward slant in a graph or bar chart. In terms of describing human life though, the proper term would have been "their quality of life is increasing," Increasing being the term that describes the constantly growing improvements in the life of a person. In order to prove your ability to use more complex English words and create more advanced sentences, you need to make sure that the word references that you use are appropriate for the thought you are creating.

I would like to call your attention to the thesis statement that you created. The prompt is asking you to discuss whether "the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?". Instead, you have presented your opinion as " In my opinion, this will bring negative and positive effects in same proportion." That response does not properly address the prompt question. Compare the question you are being asked to answer and the thesis statement you created at the end of your opening statement. The error on your part is quite obvious.

Therefore, the whole essay is based on the wrong premise and as such, does not pass the requirements that would have gotten your work a passing score should this have been an actual test. Your conclusion proves your mistaken premise and discussion in the essay. It does not contain any reference to your opinion regarding the weight of advantages versus disadvantages.
vangiespen   
Feb 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of monthly temperatures and the averages number of hours of sunshine per year [2]

... that in AT the beginning and... temperatures has HAD THE same pattern in which Sydney has HAD the highest temperatures and is WAS followed by London and New York. ... city that has HAD the longest time to be brightened by sunshine.

... in DURING the first three months, Sydney has HAD the highest temperatures in AT around 25 degreeS. Then, it is WAS followed by London in WITH about 10 degreeS. Although New York is WAS the lowest at that time, it has HAD AN upward tendency....

- THESE EVENTS ALREADY HAPPENED THEREFORE, THE PAST TENSE SHOULD BE USED.

... the pattern totally changes D in the opposite way , whereas New York becomes BECAME the city which has HAD the highest temperatures and Sydney has HAD the lowest. However, London is WAS still in the second position in AT around 20-25 degreeS. Next, the last three months exactly have the same pattern with AS the first three months.

- TEMPERATURES IS ALWAYS DEFINED IN DEGREES OF MEASUREMENT.

... New York has HAD the longest time receiving the sun light than other cities. It has HAD 2,535 hours while Sydney and New York have REGISTERED 2,473 and 1,180 hours respectively.

- INCREASE THIS PARAGRAPH BY ONE MORE SENTENCE IN ORDER TO BE FORMAT COMPLIANT.
vangiespen   
Feb 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / New York - lowest temperatures monthly, but longest hours of sunshine comparing to London and others [2]

... average time of sunshine annually over a twelve-month period, from January to December, located in three diverse towns. Overall, it can obviously be seen... showed AN upward tendency, except in Sydney ...

- This opening statement is not only lacking in the sentence requirements, it also lacks complete information. Provide the names of the three towns in the overview along with any shortened information you may need to present. There is also a tendency for you to be redundant. "Annually" and "over a twelve month period" mean the same thing.

... the beginning month (NAME THE MONTH) , Sydney overtook HAD the highest temperatures at more than 25,... there was an unchanged in the condition of IN Sydney temperatures since THE first month until February... the highest temperaturesin AT the end OF THE period and WITH the total of sunshine in this region per year was TOTALING 2.473 hours.

Equally, important, ... than 20 WITHin the same period OF , July, ... they again met in AT the point of 11 and reached the last...
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Undergraduate / TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly. [10]

Sorry, that is against the forum regulations. You will just have to post the essay here again for editing. This is an open forum and everyone is welcome to post their comments and advice to you :-) Don't worry about anything. We have had a lot of students here in the past who worried about their essays and they came to realize that there is nothing to worry about. Your essay is safe here. It won't be plagiarized, nor will it be treated badly. Everyone who participates here are your friends.

I will wait for you to post your essay here. While i may not be able to respond immediately in some cases, and some other people might offer you advice during that time, you don't have to worry. I will be back with a response for you as soon as I have analyzed your paper. Actually, I am already excited about reading your revised paper so I hope you can post it here soon.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Scholarship / I have graduated a Bachelor of Science in geology - INTERNATIONAL MASTER'S SCHOLARSHIP application [7]

Hi Christopher, I was happy to help. Yes, there are grammatical problems that exist in your paper. However, I did not attempt to correct those because I am currently advising you to change some content and delete some parts of your existing essay. It would just be a waste of time to edit your essay in its rough draft. You will have to add information anyway and I will have to edit it again and then you will have to put the editing into place.

That is why I always leave the final grammar editing for the last minute. Once the content of the essay is correct, the ideas have been polished and the final format is in place, I will definitely help you make the necessary grammar corrections to your essay. Right now, we should concentrate on the more immediate problems of the essay. Trust me, by the time we are done working on your essay, you won't even realize that you have corrected the grammar problems and that the essay will be ready to submit already :-)
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Undergraduate / TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly. [10]

Not when you are already in college. The GPA in question is something that would have been considered when you were a potential incoming freshman in college. At this point in your studies, you already have at least one full semester of college to submit as documentation of your GPA. Your current GPA is what will be considered because transfer students also need to meet a minimum GPA requirement. So if you explain your college GPA it becomes relevant to considering your application. Your high school GPA doesn't matter because it does not prove your ability to function as a college transfer student.

For your experience in the vet clinic, do you have any experience there are relates to biochemistry? At this point, you mentioned the experience at the vet clinic as a more personal than academic experience. In order to make it relevant to your statement of purpose, you need to discuss how your work at the clinic relates to Biochemistry. Did you help in the lab? Do some analysis of information from the lab, or help deliver medication to the animals? What was it about that experience that relates to developing your interest in Biochemistry? That is what the reviewer will be interested in learning about.

Basically, you need to forget a number of high school points because these no longer work for a current college student. You have to get beyond that. You need to present your current college mindset instead of your previous high school aspirations.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Undergraduate / TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly. [10]

Yes. remove all references to grade school and dreams you had as a child. You have to understand that you are now in college and as such, should have more future leaning discussions filling your mind. While I will not discount the influence of your childhood dreams and your struggles in school, as well as your being the first person your family to attend college, these are all matters of insignificance to the reviewer. Why is it insignificant?

Your dreams and aspirations should have developed from childhood. As you grow, your dreams should either become enhanced to the point where you want it become your career or, it becomes just a footnote in your past. It is the future plans you have for yourself that are important when discussing your college and career plans.

One other thing, you can skip discussing your GPA if you wish. Since you are already in college, your high school GPA is already irrelevant. The GPA you got during your previous college semesters are what now will be examined in determining your qualifications. So if you can revise that paragraph to reflect college instead of high school, it should work to your benefit better.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / It's no longer a dream today. SPACE EXPLORATION WITH NATIONAL PRIDE RATHER THAN INTERNATIONAL EFFORT [2]

Tau, from reading your essay, I can see that you wrote it after having read the other essays here at the forum. Why do I say that? You are making the same mistakes regarding prompt response, content of essay, even the mention of the Uni Soviet instead of the Soviet Union, which the others made and I had to correct. What is the sense in practicing the writing of an essay if you will plagiarize the content of the essay to a certain extent?

When you write your practice test, do not review the other essays here and use these are reference for your own paper. You will not have the opportunity to look at other essays based upon the same prompt in the actual IELTS test. Neither will you be given an essay prompt based upon these retired IELTS questions. It is important that you develop an original line of thinking, improve your comprehension skills, and write an original paper each time you practice because those are the factors that the examiner will look into during the actual test.

The best way to practice these tests is to avoid copying others because you also copy their mistakes in the process. How can you improve that way? Try to develop original answers that will address the prompt in the way that you feel it should be answered. Your current essay moved in 2 different directions because your based your first half of the essay on the work of others here and then moved on to your own discussion. Which is why you missed out on properly addressing the prompt requirements. Use original thoughts, your own voice. That is the only way you will improve your English skills.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Undergraduate / TAMU Statement of Purpose Essay, Biochemisty Major. Not sure if prompt is answered correctly. [10]

Manuel, your statement of purpose should not focus on two majors. It should only focus on Biochemistry because that is the reason you are transferring to TAMU. Try to refocus your statement of purpose from sounding like a personal statement. That is not what you are writing here. Your statement of purpose as a transfer student should combine two factors, your reason for wanting to transfer from your current university, and the purpose for the way that TAMU better suits your career goals.

For your purpose, it is best if you reflect specific information that defines the reason why your need to transfer to TAMU from your current university. An outline of the information you should present follows below:

1. Explain the status of your current studies. Why do you feel that transferring schools at this point would be beneficial to you? I know that you mentioned Biochemistry in your current essay. However, you also mentioned Veterinary school. Then the focus of your discussion shifted from Biochemistry to your desire to attend vet school. Be consistent. If you are transferring due to your desire to study Biochemistry at this point, then make that the center of the essay. Vet school as a secondary purpose took too much of that paragraph. The concentration should be on the importance of Biochemistry to your future since you are not sure that you will be attending vet school in the future.

2. What are your dreams for a career in Biochemistry? Now, keep in mind that Vet School would be more related to a Biology rather than Biochemistry major. So don't keep falling back on Vet School for the response. You need to make the reason behind your choice of Bio Chemistry clear.

3. As a current student at your university, why do you feel that they have taught you as much as they can. In other words, where did they fail that you know TAMU will succeed in teaching you?

4. Remove the reference to the job at the vet clinic. At this point, I believe that you are pursuing the wrong major. Consider a shift to Biology instead of Biochemistry. Biology is the usual choice for pre-med and pre-vet students. Replace it instead with any high school related activities or learning or experiments that highlight your abilities to succeed as a Biochemistry student instead.

Before you proceed with this essay, make sure that you are dedicated to the correct course of study. If you want to be a vet in the future, maybe you should pursue that instead because your essay keeps aligning itself to admission into that department instead. I can sense your passion for it, but it doesn't belong in a Statement of Purpose for a biochemistry major. Being torn between two majors will not be something that will reflect well with the reviewer. Dedicate yourself to Biochemistry for all intents and purposes at this time.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'a bunch of people who felt danger' - The Percentage of Crime in 2009 to 2011 [2]

Fariz, most of the essay formatting is correct and acceptable. However, you failed to follow the correct essay format for your conclusion in this essay. I am sure you are familiar with the requirements of the conclusion and I do not have to repeat it. Kindly make sure that the same mistake does not happen with your succeeding essay practice tests. Thanks.

... the percentages of people who fell danger and also actual victim of crime FELL VICTIM TO A CRIME. ... categories of crime being measures MEASURED ; burglary, car crime, and violent crime. ... seen THAT the people who perceived danger was the highest percentage in all categories of crime WHEN compared with the direct victimS of A SPECIFIC crime.

... , the perceived burglary RATE in 2009 to 2010 was peaked AT 16%. It was A smaller rate than THE car crime RATE with 21% of people VICTIMIZED . Moreover, violence VIOLENT crime cases also HAD A smaller RATE than car crime with ... In addition, the scared of NUMBER OF criminalS between 2010 and 2011 was had THE same pattern with AS the previous period but, it was smaller...

... However, actual car mischief in 2009 to 2011 reached at 4% higher than the others type of criminal activities.
- You definitely need to lengthen this paragraph for the aforementioned reasons.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Obedience, an undesirable, yet unavoidable human feature? [3]

Yahya, the introduction was interesting to read. However, I found myself confused towards the end of the paragraph because there was no clear presentation of the thesis statement and the flow of discussion that was to follow. As you know, the opening statement lays the foundation for the whole essay. It directs the content of the essay, the chronological discussion, and the method by which the presentation shall be made. None of these factors were presented in the thesis statement of this essay. If you can just edit the essay to reflect those requirements, you will find that the essay will become stronger and as such, gives it a more authoritative tone.

I would not sum up the essay the way that you have it now. Your summation was actually a continuation of the previous discussion which offered a new angle of discussion of the topic. Therefore, it is not a real conclusion but rather, an additional paragraph. It should be reflected as such. Your summation should be a true recap of the discussion points in the essay along with a closing sentence that supports your thesis statement. As far as I can tell, those are the only weak points of this essay.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Over the 50-year period, the women role has transformed in several countries. [4]

You need to properly understand the prompt in order to offer a correct response to the essay. You were being asked to agree or disagree with the statement that women have achieved gender equality over the past 50 years. While you did present some relevant information pertaining to the cause of women's rights. You failed to present your personal opinion that either agrees or disagrees with the statement provided. That is where your essay went wrong. Due to the lack of a proper personal opinion in the thesis statement, you ended up discussing the wrong prompt throughout the essay.

Due to that flub, you were no longer able to deliver an essay that would have received a passing score. A failure to present the correct discussion of the prompt provided results in the lowest possible score. I do believe that you do not wish to have a score of 0 in the actual essay. Therefore you need to be more careful when writing your practice essays.

One way you can improve your comprehension skills is by reading the prompt, analyzing the content and then, with the help of a friend who is willing to listen to you and correct you, explain what you understood of the prompt to that person before writing your essay. The friend should be a native English speaker who can tell you if you managed to understand the prompt properly or not. You can do that now since you are merely practicing at this point. It becomes more crucial for you to correctly understand the prompt as the actual test date comes closer.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Scholarship / I have graduated a Bachelor of Science in geology - INTERNATIONAL MASTER'S SCHOLARSHIP application [7]

Christopher, this is just a scholarship essay application. It is not a government document that you need to attest to. Therefore, you do not need to have that sworn statement type of introduction in this essay. Just write it as an ordinary essay. It doesn't even have to be in a letter format. Just have a discussion with the scholarship committee in an academic tone. You don't need to use a testimonial format, nor a letter format. The commonly used essay format will do.

After carefully reading your essay, I am of the opinion that this will not make any impression on the reviewer because of the lack of remarkable information in it. The statements that you made sound just like any other poorly developed scholarship statement. If you want to win this scholarship, you need to let the committee know that you are different from the other applicants. Highlight your academic strengths. Mention any awards and accolades that you have received which will indicate that you have the potential to become an even greater participant in this professional world of your choice.

Discuss your future plans for yourself and your career. Let them know how, through this scholarship, you will get the chance to further pursue a certain interest in this field. Make them understand how without this scholarship, you will be unable to proceed with your studies. At that point, you should make mention of any finances that you have which you can push towards your studies. For example, your parents will be willing to shoulder X amount and you can add X amount of your personal money towards achieving your academic goals. You should present that information in case the committee feels that your credentials are only worth a partial instead of a full scholarship.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'there is still discrimination against women' - how this problem evaluated to the present days? [2]

Fariz, this is a grammatically error filled essay. However, it works in terms of the discussion presented. Once the reviewer manages to decipher the information that is in the paragraphs, the relevance of your discussion and critical thinking becomes clearer. If you can just practice perfecting your English sentences somehow, your essay will be sure to get a good grade.

Just a few notes on the way you wrote the essay:
1. World Societies is not located at the beginning of a sentence, neither is it the formal name of an organization in the context of your essay. Therefore, the words should be written in lower case, as in "world societies".

2. The conclusion is only a single long paragraph. You need to expand that to become a proper conclusion of at least 3 sentences. You were able to present a proper conclusion. The only problem is that you did not develop the closing paragraph properly.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of citizens who get ill from consuming unhealthy diet is increasing in some countries [2]

Riska, your essay is a bit repetitive. You actually present your thesis statement twice in this essay. Honestly, your second paragraph, which is a repeat of the thesis statement, was more effective than the first paragraph that you wrote. Even though the language used was faulty, your thesis statement got all of the elements across. The restated prompt, points of view presented in the prompt, and your opinion, were all easily deciphered and understood.

However, your conclusion became faulty because you decided to discuss your personal opinion in it. Always keep in mind that your personal opinion is a requirement of the essay and therefore, cannot be discussed in the conclusion. The conclusion after all, is only used to recap the essay for the benefit of the reader. Your opinion is so important to the defense of your opinion which you stated in the opening statement that it requires its own paragraph in order to become stronger, relevant, and more acceptable.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Graduate / What interesting offers Master's in finance at Frankfurt school? Why did you choose this programme? [2]

Ashish, you just spent the word count constantly saying the same thing. There was nothing informative in the essay that gives the reviewer a solid idea as to why you chose to study this program. Your generalized responses do not really offer a solid idea, study plan, or career plan for yourself that would indicate a clear reason for pursuing this program.

In order to properly explain why you chose to study this particular masters program, you should present some information that relates to your future plans. For example:

1. Explain why this line of study will specifically help you advance your career. That means, you need to explain where you are right now career wise and why this line of study will help you advance your career. Be specific. Don't gloss over it the way you are doing now.

2. Look into the course offerings of the university. What programs do they offer which enticed you to apply for this course? How do you feel their curriculum can specifically help you in your future career? Speak of specific internship programs, professor collaborations, and the like.

Consider this statement a shorter version of your statement of purpose. Deliver the above requirements and you should be able to properly respond to the prompt.
vangiespen   
Feb 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Government policy is not inappropriate to solve today's issues [2]

Diqon, I am very familiar with the prompt that you are trying to respond to and I can firmly say that you have not developed the correct response to the essay prompt. You are only supposed to agree or disagree with the issue of government taxation on fast food. There is nothing in the prompt that asks you to discuss alternatives to the taxation plan, nor are you being asked to present additional information regarding alternative solutions.

While you did present a very good argument in support of your suggestion, that is not the point of the essay. it has nothing to do with raising the price of food outside of taxes. Your discussion must only support your point of view regarding the prompt. If I may, I would like you to review the prompt that you are responding to. It states that:

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion


It all boils down to the fact that you have not properly stated your opinion in the thesis statement/introduction. If you restate the prompt in the following manner:

"While the number of health diseases related to fast food consumption continues to rise, the government is expected to take some sort of action that will help to alleviate or resolve the problem. Some sectors of society believe that the government should raise taxes on fast food in order to force people to eat healthy food. Others, believe that raising taxes on fast food will not resolve the health problem it causes. In my opinion, the government should take action to resolve the issue by raising taxes on fast food purchases. It is my opinion that raising the taxes on fast food carries some major benefits for the health of the public for a number of reasons..."

Then you can discuss the benefits of raising taxes such as making fast food a more expensive alternative to healthier foods. It will encourage restaurants to make their food healthier because of tax breaks that they can get if they offer "healthy" fast food instead, or that raising taxes can serve to help the government fund healthy feeding programs. The reasons to support increased taxes are endless. All you have to do is discuss it properly.

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