Research Papers / The effects of animal captivity - research essay! [2]

Hi, your essay was pretty good, but I didn't really like the short, choppy paragraphs. Has your professor given any instruction on how to divide your paragraphs. Maybe she likes them short, but I think it is better to put everything that refers to a single topic in a single paragraph. Also, are those colons there on purpose? If so, I would integrate your sources into your sentences instead of using colons like that. Finally, watch out for your comma splices. You can't connect two independent clauses with a comma - use a period or semicolon. Here are some other suggestions:

... There are approximately over {don't use "approximately over" -either "approximately "or "over"} 10,000 zoos worldwide

... and they experience little environmental excitement, {semicolon or period} the impact these (...) innocent animals [is] {"impact" is the subject} horrific.

... while taking countless photos against {"against" is wrong here - maybe you mean "against your will" but that would be repetitve} as you are trapped ...

..., it is imperative to speak for them, {comma splice} they are living beings ...

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech undergraduate application prompt. Apply for chemical engineering [7]

Oh, I see. I looked it up on Wikipedia, and wow, GT has a lot of traditions! In that case I would definitely keep it - your readers will understand the "getting out" reference and I think it is a good touch.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech undergraduate application prompt. Apply for chemical engineering [7]

Hi, I think you need to get more into specific particulars about why GT is such a great fit for you. I think the generalities and "name dropping" you mainly have don't really communicate effectively why GT is unique, from say University of Georgia or Clemson or wherever. I actually applied to Georgia Tech long long ago for graduate school, but did not get accepted :( So maybe I am not the best judge :) But I knew exactly why I wanted to go there because they had a special automation graduate degree that was offered by only a select few schools. (I ended up going to Stanford instead, so I guess it all worked out!

Scholarship / Chevening. I hope to teach my students and colleagues the true English culture and ethics I lived [2]

Hi Ehab, I am an American, but maybe you will accept my comments and suggestions for your essay nonetheless. I must admit I have some big problems with your essay, but of course I am biased, so feel free to ignore them. I agree that when learning a foreign language, it is helpful and interesting to learn the culture behind that language as well. But stating that a culture is superior to yours and that the culture should be adopted wholesale seems like a pretty big leap. I think we can appreciate other cultures and adopt some good points from them, but surely the Egyptian culture has some advantages over the UK culture? Maybe you are just trying to flatter the scholarship committee, but I am not sure that will work. And I am definitely biased in this respect, but I think American English deserves a place in language classes. Really, UK and US English are very very similar. Yes, even I agree that the English accent sounds a bit nicer, but the differences are really miniscule.

Undergraduate / My family environment has influenced who I am today. UCF Admissions Essay [4]

Right. I think your "family history" really means your culture or where your family is from.

Undergraduate / Suggestions and reviewing on what I have so far explaining about my circumstances and aspects. [3]

Thanks for being so open and honest with your answers. You know I too have struggled with depression, and it hit especially hard my freshman year of college, so I definitely feel for you.

I really like the "Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom," quote. Looking at your writing, it looks like there were two points in your life when you "hit rock bottom" - one was when you moved to the US and faced a triple whammy with dealing with your cleft palate, learning a new language, and constantly moving to new schools. This culminated in depression and anxiety, a lonely period with few friends, and getting held back a grade. But as you say in your first essay, you relied on your own inner strength, as well as that of you family, especially your brother, whom it sounds like you are quite close to. You made a great recovery, adjusted course, and excelled in high school. Then the second "rock bottom" moment was your freshman year of college. You feel like you made a wrong choice in major, your classes did not interest you, and being away from the support system of your family caused those old demons depression and anxiety to once again rear up their heads. Personally, I think it is crazy that we expect high school seniors to somehow figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives and choose a major that seems set in stone.

I think it would be a good idea to explain why you started off in pre-med. It sounds like a big part of it was your Lima Peru trip, which you can definitely mention in this context and that way it won't be a "list of accomplishments", but an explanation for your decision. Plus, the fact that you were following in your brother's footsteps is important too. I sense that you felt a strong need to help other people and so you choose pre-med, since all your high school classes were equally easy for you. But then you started college and struggled with those biology courses (and chemistry I guess?) that just didn't mesh with your interests (I would avoid saying anything like "they were too hard" because of course that sounds bad, but I think any course that doesn't truly intrigue you is going to be difficult for you} So this is where you did the amazing thing and really analyzed what you wanted and loved to do, rather than what other people were doing or what the world expected you to do. I think mentioning that the business world provides just as many ways to help people as the medical field, and taking those business classes opened your eyes to how broad the horizons are in the IT/business field and how intrigued you were by the vast variety of subjects in those areas.

So I'm thinking maybe something like this

Para 1 Intro - start in the middle of the story - rock bottom #2 with short description of your situation, then finish with you knew you could overcome this, because you had done so before.

Para 2 - Background info on rock bottom #1, finishing with your recovery and thriving in high school

Para 3 - Explain rock bottom #2 in more detail, beginning with why you picked pre-med, then ending with your freshman year

Para 4 - Explain how you recovered from rock bottom #2, including solving your problems and choosing a new major/direction, ending in great success sophomore year.

Para 5 - conclusion - these struggles have made you a stronger person and that ties into the Aggie spirit, since they know they will always struggle and never be as good as UT. (ha ha, just joking. I graduated from UT myself, so I have to give you a hard time) But seriously, I think your story shows great resilience and flexibility, two qualities that are critical to success in college.

This is just an idea, you won't hurt my feelings a bit if you decide to go in a different direction - it's not like a math test where there is only one answer.

Undergraduate / Address the admissions committee directly and let us know more about you as an individual [4]

Great - thanks for the information. Now I see a definite main idea and this could be an outstanding essay. Can I ask a few questions? What exactly made you switch from pre med to business? I assume you had a lot of trouble with the science classes? Why business then? Did you take a chance and then find out you liked it, or what gave you a clue that business would be a better fit?

I assume you also worked through some of your first year issues too, right? So it wasn't just a matter of taking easier classes. How did you overcome your anxieties and depression? And how does the cleft palate fit in? In your first essay you mention it in the beginning and then never again. In what ways specifically did that affect your life.

You know, reading your description above actually impresses me and gives me a much better idea of who you are and what your story is than the first part of the essay that follows it. I think you need to focus more on just telling your story than "writing an essay" - answer my questions above and we can go from there.

Undergraduate / Given funding for a small engineering project UVA essay. [5]

Hi, how specific and realistic is this proposal supposed to be? Is this for an actual engineering course, or maybe a technical writing course? Your writing is quite good, but this proposal is not very convincing to me. I assume the intended audience would be members of the company that is to sponsor the project or maybe a committee assigned to pick one project to fund. Given that, this proposal seems much too vague. What kind of machine are you talking about? I mean they already have many different types of food processors on the market, and I suppose you could modify a dishwasher to have it wash fruits and vegetables. How would your machine be different? Personally, I think this might be too ambitious a proposal for a "small engineering project". I have read that in the fast food industry, soon the ordering and payments will be completely automated, but it will be years and years before the preparing and cooking steps can possibly be automated as they are actually very difficult and complicated for machines to do. Personally, if I was going to decide whether to invest in your project, I would need a lot more detail about what exactly you plan to build and what steps you will take to complete it.

Undergraduate / Address the admissions committee directly and let us know more about you as an individual [4]

Hi, your writing is not bad, but first of all I have to say, please use paragraphs. Seeing this big block of text is a little intimidating and makes it harder to follow your various ideas. Speaking of which, your essay's organization could be improved I think. I guess it is mainly chronological, but it is hard to determine exactly what your overarching theme is. Also, you seem to do a lot of telling rather than showing. You say you worked hard and overcame challenges, but you haven't really given much detail into the nuts and bolts of how you actually accomplished this. You also have some repetition in phrases like "strengths and weaknesses".

Letters / The recommendation letter to the esteemed program, how to improve quality of this letter? [2]

Hi, I think the letter is actually quite well-written with very few grammatical errors. It does seem a little excessive in some areas - maybe that is the accepted status quo among these recommendation letters, I don't know. Anyway, here are some more specific suggestions:

I deem it a great pleasure to recommend Ye Gao, one of my favorite students[,] to your esteemed program.

... I taught him the course of Financial Market. {I would give the official course number - maybe "I taught hime Intro to Financial Markets 501"} I also served as his graduation thesis advisor.

... I can tell that he has a profound {"profound" just sounds a little excessive to me} knowledge foundation, which ...
What's more, he can flexibly use what he had learned into practice. {you "put into practice", not "use into practice"}

... current status of the [C]hina stock market that ...
With the learned knowledge, {"learned knowledge" sounds redundant} he could make comprehensive (...) and make correct prediction[s ].

... he made a brave attempt, {"brave attempt" usually implies that you failed at the attempt, although it was a good try} tried to analyze the ...

... So he started to learn it by himself. In [the] face of th[ese] difficulties, he didn't ...
... and completed his thesis in high quality.{"in high quality" sounds odd}

... I have confide[nce] that this brilliant student will ...

Writing Feedback / The addiction to the Internet seems to be a concerning issue, and many people suffer from it [2]

Hi Yusuf, I think your essay is pretty good, but to me it sounds like you are using a lot of words you are not that familiar with. Stretching your vocabulary is a good idea, but if you use a fancier word whose connotation isn't quite right, it makes your writing sound more unnatural and unpolished than if you had used a more basic word correctly. I would advise reading as much as possible in English - magazines and newspaper articles - to naturally improve your vocabulary.

Undergraduate / My family environment has influenced who I am today. UCF Admissions Essay [4]

To me, it seems like you are writing about how your family has influenced you, instead of your culture or history. Maybe tie closer those qualities your family instilled in you to their native country's culture. As a child of immigrants, it seems like you passing up a great opportunity to focus on your specific culture.

Writing Feedback / PRACTISING IELTS WRITING TASK 2 INTRODUCTIONS.. - three examples [2]

Hi, your English is very good! Here are my suggestions.

... through borders and it makes [it] easy to find imported products [all] across [the] globe. [Although] it [improves] convenien[ce] in life, I am more likely to claim [that] international markets encourage developed {maybe you mean "developing"?} countries['] dependence [upon] products of other countries besides [expending] a lot of [their governments'] budgets {or do you mean the citizens' budgets?}

In [ the past] few decades, children workers ...
While some citizens believe [the] experience of working (...) that children not [be] allowed to earn money. They must focus on their studies and must finish it well. {"finish it well" is a little unclear - what is "it"? Their studies? Maybe "finish school on a high note before beginning to work"}

3. Unpaid community service should be ...

In the recent time, ungrudging treatment {"ungrudging treatment" here is very unclear to me} should be a practical ...
It leads students [to] have awareness [of] their environments[, encouraging them to perhaps become] such us to be a social worker and improv[e ] the neighbourhood. This essay will stay in line with such notion ...

{I don't like referring to "this essay" - just give your specific opinion - maybe "I wholeheartedly agree that community service is vital and thus should be made a requirement for high school students."}

Writing Feedback / Here is my exercises of introduction in IELTS writing task 2 - are these appropriate responses? [2]

Hi Azmi, this is what I wrote in another answer - I hope it is ok to copy it here: There are many ways to write a good introduction, but a nice method for new learners is to follow this format. First, state that the topic is important, then explain why it is important. Then restate the prompt's question in your own words, and end the intro with a thesis statement that clearly gives your opinion and answers the prompt's question.

... due to the increase of world market[. T]here are therefore several advantages and disadvantages [of] this situation, however I believe it has ... {this is one long sentence - I would split it up into two setnences at least} Thus, I will discuss both in the following paragraphs. {I would leave out this sentence and just end with your thesis. Also I would try to add one more sentence after your first sentence to say why global trade is so important or such a big part of our lives}

... Several people argue that will [have a] bad impact on (...), it is a[n ] important experience. By examining the statement[s ] one by one, I will present it {what is "it"? your opinion? I think it is better to state your specific opinion here} in the following paragraphs ... {what is "examine the statements one by one? Which statements?}

... hometown, or training sports to children. [As concerns] The consideration of voluntary social ... Therefore, the paragraphs below ... {this is very good, but I would leave out the last sentence - it is not really necessary and it is more effective to end the intro with your opinion}

Writing Feedback / Several Introductions of Writing Task 2 [4]

Hi Saskia, there are many ways to write a good introduction, but a nice method for new learners is to follow this format. First, state that the topic is important, then explain why it is important. Then restate the prompt's question in your own words, and end the intro with a thesis statement that clearly gives your opinion and answers the prompt's question.

So let me see if I can adapt your introductions to this format.

Nowadays, global trade is a common thing for countries to do in order to exchange goods from one to another. {this is good, but now add why global trade is important - maybe say a lot of jobs depend on it, or that often our whole economy is focused upon it.} However, this trend may give many disadvantages especially for the developing countries. {this is ok, but now add your thesis statement which gives your specific opinion on whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks or not}

... children these days to go [to work] to get paid
... reasons why they decid[e ] to go to work. But no matter what the reason is, children are not supposed to work under a certain age.

{this is a bit different from my format, but I think it is fine. You have to continue it though, by stating what the prompt's question is and then giving your opinion. For this type of prompt, you have to discuss both the drawbacks and the benefits. It is usually best to discuss the drawbacks in one body paragraph, the benefits in a second, and your opinion in the third. Or you can combine that third body paragraph with the conclusion for a total of 4 paragraphs}

Unpaid community service is commonly provided [...] adopt this service as their school programs.
{this one is really good - you stated that it is important, then why it is important, and gave your opinion}

Writing Feedback / Couple questions to answer - global trade, kids at work, unpaid community service [2]

Hi, are these for the TOEFL? If so, these will not score very well, since the graders are expecting complete essays, hopefully of more than 300 words each. They expect a 4 or 5 paragraph essay with an introduction, two or three body paragraphs each supporting a reason for your argument with details and specific examples, and then a conclusion. Here are my corrections to your writing though.

These days, many goods that we use on a daily basis are more needed. {"are more necessary" sounds better, but it is still unclear - more than what? more than earlier? Why?} The increase[ in] global trade [has encouraged countries to] produce some product[s ] that have to be transported [over] long distances. It [allows] some countries [to] produce their best product[s ] and compete in global trade.

... connection and increase the country['s] income. {I think it is better to directly answer the prompt in your thesis statement - do the benefits or trade outweigh the drawbacks? - oh wait, this is it? This is not really a complete essay.}

... the children to be a paid worker[s ]. Many people give {"have" seems better}opinions about this case.
... work to help the family financial[ly] or to get an extra money. But [at] their [age], children are not supposed (...) focus on their education, [so] it's the better for their future [to go to school rather than work].

... or teaching sports to younger children ha[s ] to be a compulsory ...

Writing Feedback / Most people assume nowadays that living in a tower block has less community spirit. [2]

Hi, to me, this essay did not seem to focus on the specific prompt closely enough and it also could have been organized a little better. I think it would have been easier to follow if you had used topic sentences for your body paragraph that directly addressed the prompt. Here are your two topic sentences:

In the recent decade, apartment tower has increased significantly.

However, there are other reasons for choosing apartment block as a good place for living.

Neither one of these really addresses community spirit, and your second one seems to veer off from the prompt's topic altogether. I think if your first topic sentence had basically said "apartment living improves community spirit in several ways", then your second topic sentence said "on the other hand, living in a large block tower makes it harder to have a sense of community" it would have both helped the reader follow your ideas and helped you to organize your thoughts.

Writing Feedback / Time Summary: Why Buying the Latest Apple Gadget Can Feel Like a Religious Experience [3]

Hi Fadhilahumar91, please excuse my temerity, but I disagree with a couple of your corrections:

This action triggers the reward network in the striatum, (no verb in your sentence, pay attention for it)

Isn't "triggers" the verb here?

In the other words On the other hand, apple companies are seeing

I believe "in other words" is correct here as jomul is restating the facts. "On the other hand" would be used if jomul were giving an alternate explanation.

Undergraduate / From tracking Heme to studying properties of atoms at absolute zero; Georgia Tech Suppl. - Why TECH [4]

I mean it doesn't really fit into the rest of the paragraph - it is not integrated very well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) they traveled abroad and why they traveled for the period 1994-98 [3]

Could you post the charts? It is hard to evaluate your report without them.

Scholarship / Write a letter to the number five explaining why five is important [2]

Wow, I really enjoyed reading this - you are quite a talented writer. Here are my suggestions:

I have five fingers, five limbs, {your head is never really considered as a limb} five senses, and five people in my wonderful family.
I without my arms, legs, and head, I'd be nothing, {I would leave out the opening "I" here}
I would just be a little stump and that would be terrible, so I'm very thankful for you. {ok, but what about "I would just be a useless torso"}

I couldn't feel the sand [between] my toes,

but then again I wouldn't smell [any more] poopy diapers.

my family are the five [most] important people in my life[. My] family [consists of] me[,] my two baby sisters and my [mother and father], the[y] mean the world to me, {maybe instead of "And most importantly", say "and above all" to avoid repetition} the five of us make our family just right.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc Petroleum Engineering at the University of Aberdeen -Scotland [2]

Hi, your first paragraph seems very general and cliche'. Maybe talk about something more specific that got you interested in chemical engineering? And could you add more detail about why you want to shift from chemical to petroleum engineering? Here are some other suggestions:

I have always enjoyed making thing[s ] and learning about the world.
the same questions[:] how do things work[?] why do they do what they do[?] and how can I do things better[?] In my opinion,

and this is one of the reasons, {no comma here} I have decided to study towards
considered for a place [in] the MSc Petroleum Engineering Programme

Studying [the] Introduction to [P[etroleum [E]ngineering module gave me a strong foundation [in] the field of petroleum production
comprehensive understanding of [the] steps, technologies and economics that comprise a modern refinery

theme of the conference was:{use comma instead of colon and put capitalize the title of the conference and put it in quotation marks} inspiring and encouraging [the] next generation of talent into the industry to secure future success.

Together with the sheer [number] of innovations and technologies displayed in the exhibition, [both have] {although I'm not sure what both refers to here} reinforced my intense interest for the industry.

making it a unique place for postgraduate student[s ] to gain insight across the whole range of [the] oil and gas industry. The university's enviable international reputation across [its] research portfolio together with its strong tradition of success attracts such a variety of students [so that] I believe it will be a stimulating environment in which to study at [the] master's level. Aberdeen [U]niversity

My fascination with the richness [of] the field of petroleum engineering has encouraged me
I want to be part of [a ]new age where petroleum engineers are at the forefront constantly pushing [the] boundaries of technology

Essays / "Write Like Xander" Writing Assistance at 1/2 the cost [2]

Hi, here are my suggestions:

... and that [it] includes elements of critical thought.

... I've been there! I [am currently a] teacher

Visit [our] website for more information

Our staff is highly qualified, hold {be consistent with tense - either "is ... holds" or "are ... hold", plus I would use "and" instead of a comma here}

... such as law, accounting, dentistry, [and] teaching, just to name a few.

Letters / Cam, the leader. A scholarship essay on leadership characteristics. [3]

Hmm, I started off liking your framing story, but I feel a bit betrayed at the end. Basically you were making up the whole first part of the story - there was no subway, no newspaper, no bright red tie, so your essay gives me an impression of dishonesty. Maybe that is not justified, but that is just the feeling I get. It seemed like your language in the opening paragraph was a little too flowery. Overall, I think your essay could be more concise - there seem to be a lot of unnecessary words. Also, I don't think your essay fully addresses the part of the prompt that asks "how are these traits are developed in a leader?" I get the impression that Cam was just sort of a born leader and used these traits he always had inside to become successful. Your story of German shows a little of how leadership might be developed, but you are not really focusing on German, you are using his story to show how motivation is important.

Here are some other suggestions:

staring blindly [at] the Times paper
Shy [of] forming conversation, I blindly asked,
Our conversation took off. His name [was] Cam.
His [manner] and smiles invited me

intimidated by his business[-like] look.
he gave me of the secret formula for a leader: Someone who is creative, approachable, and a motivator. {the way it is formatted, this sounds more like a description of a leader than a formula for being a leader}

"It is the seed and the gasoline {I don't really like this mixed-metaphor} that keeps a person inspired everyday{two words here - "everyday" is an adjective} to find new ways to succeed in life.

Cam developed his creativity while finishing his career [education] at a small [college] in California.

did not know what to do [with] his life,
convey a story and grasp [the attention of his] readers easily. He discovered his creative side, which he [had not been] aware of.

Cam's formula of being approachable: acting as the rest.{I think "like" is better than "as" here, but it still seems too vague - the rest of what? Maybe "acting like an ordinary employee"}

... worked in the mailroom, the man cleaning [the] floors, or the man washing the windows.

He was in charge of leading the [staff of 20],
"I was approachable to all of these people [whom] I saw as friends and nothing else.

"Tell me more about your secret formula," I said. "Well, Juan, the next and most important thing to this secret formula is: being a motivator." {these are two sentences where you could be more concise} His explanation was that in any home, group, [Fortune] 500 [company], or small business,

A leader can simply give us what no one else can give, a friend. {I don't understand this part - why can only leaders give us friends? Can't you be a friend without being a leader?}

that he was capable of more and proved [to] him that those who wanted to be more confident could.
I am glad [I]met Cam, the creative, approachable, and motivator...C.A.M.

Writing Feedback / "Big Cat or Tall Story?" - A newspaper article for the local newspaper based on visit to the moor. [4]

Yes, but the trip down memory lane refers to the fact that she used to live on the moor 20 years ago. This is mentioned in the test material, but you don't really state it explicitly. So I was thinking something like:

Last week I went on a trip down memory lane to investigate a long-standing mystery. Growing up on Bodmin Moor, I remember hearing stories as a child about The Beast of Bodmin Moor, some dark, feline creature that devoured livestock. Though I had left the moor 20 years ago, the stories remained and seemed to have increased in prevalence over the past few months. I set off to return to the landscape of my youth and try to find the truth behind this legend. ...

Writing Feedback / "Big Cat or Tall Story?" - A newspaper article for the local newspaper based on visit to the moor. [4]

Edited - ok, now I have read the Passage A, which is what you are supposed to base your article on. Also, I now realize you are required to start with the "trip down memory lane" phrase, but I would state earlier why this is a trip down memory lane and what happened 20 years earlier. I think you have sort of rewritten the Passage A as a story instead of using to to write a newspaper article.

Book Reports / Wrote a analytical essay of Amy Tans, "Two Kinds" but I lacking understanding of a introduction, etc [7]

Yes, I think your introduction could be improved. Think of an introduction as an inverted triangle. You want to start with a broad topic, or you can start with an interesting quote or anecdote. Then you gradually focus or in the case of a saying or anecdote, focus the meaning on, your specific essay topic. So here you can begin by talking about what a prodigy is the importance of a mother/daughter relationship or the study that showed that if you work at anything for 10,000 hours, you will become an expert, or choose a quote - I found this one with a quick goolgle search: "For every child prodigy that you know about, at least 50 potential ones have burned out before you even heard about them."

Itzhak Perlman

After focusing down, then you end your introduction with your thesis statement, which is the main point of the essay and the argument you are trying to prove. In your essay, you have put your thesis statement first, which is not very effective. Also, don't include any actual evidence or examples in your introduction. Your introduction is just there to lay out your argument, then you prove it by giving examples in your body paragraphs.

Research Papers / I need to recorrect my words that i used in Compaign [3]

Here are my ideas.

What does re- online shop mean? {this still sounds like an odd term to me - where did you get it?}
It means that you can meet us face to face and choose your product if you like , {or] you can order it online and get 5% discount on the price of any product .

[Our] products mimic {do you mean "highlight"? mimic has sort of a bad connotation} foreign and Arabian cultures such as [Italy],Spain, Turkey,India, Jordan, China and Palestine[,] which can suit all tastes.

How many branches of Embrosanistina shop [branches] will be opened up in UK?

Writing Feedback / "Is 18 the right age limit for voting?" Can you tell me if my essay is off-topic or not? [3]

I think your paragraph is not really off-topic, but sometimes teachers don't like to have to read between the lines. :) So in this case, I think you could have been more specific. First, what exactly is your paragraph arguing? You say you are arguing the negative for the statement "is 18 the right age limit for voting?". So are you arguing that the age limit should be reduced or that it should be raised? I guess you are arguing that the age limit should be reduced even more, maybe to age 16? If so, you should state this explicitly. And then refer to this in your explanations, don't force the reader to have to connect the dots.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: professional athletes or performers shouldn't be involved in politics. [4]

I agree this is a tough topic. Some others celebrities-cum-politicians are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jessie Ventura, but I don't know if they were as successful as Reagan and to be honest, I don't know much about their political careers. Here are some comments on your grammar and sentence structures.

Well, I'm not satisfied with my essay this time because i think it's hard for me to develop this topic.I use Reagan and Deng Yaping as examples. But i don't know how to develop them well. I'd appreciate a lot if you give the advice on my essay,whether on the content or the grammar.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: New devices vs well-adopted devices - which do you prefer? [10]

I guess I would just avoid saying that they change our mind or our thought processes, unless you wanted to talk about how they may make us more impatient or more prone to boredom. But that is not your main point here. So I would just say something like:

"Certainly, these high-tech devices have an astonishing influence on our lives and profoundly change the way we spend our time and do our work."

Undergraduate / Moving from one country to another is a life changing experience [11]

Could you tell us what the essay topic was, or what the application told you specifically to write about?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: New devices vs well-adopted devices - which do you prefer? [10]

"Certainly, these high-tech devices have an astonishing influence on our lives and make obvious changes in our mind."

Yes, this is better, but what are the obvious changes they make? If you let me know what you have in mind, maybe I can suggest an even clearer phrase.

"Thus, we share the magic of high-technology as we can control our phone with the voice now, which [could not have been] imagined in the past."

This is much better, though you didn't get the tense quite right. I admit it is a very tricky tense there!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: New devices vs well-adopted devices - which do you prefer? [10]

Yes, that is better, but you could eliminate the repetition of "new technological" and make it more natural by saying something like:

Admittedly, the new technological devices see[m ] be more popular among the young since they like [to] follow the trend of owning [the latest high-tech] items.

Writing Feedback / A company want to build a big factory near your community. Do you agree or disagree? -TOEFL essay - [6]

You are very welcome yousssa, it was my pleasure. Good luck on your test! My final advice is to get a good nights sleep, arrive at the test site early, and relax!

Writing Feedback / Being rich gives you the opportunity to give back. Yes or no? [4]

Hi annahatef. I think it is important to make sure that you understand the prompt. Here it talks about rich people given "the opportunity to give back". This means that rich people have the chance to help the people who helped them to achieve success. For instance, a rich person might be able to give a large donation to the school they attended, or maybe give a gift of money to a specific teacher who made a difference in their life. A rich person may have started out poor and was helped by a charity when they were young. Now the rich person can "give back" by donating money to that charity, or perhaps forming a new charity that they wish had existed. Another idea may be that rich people sometimes seem to forget the people who helped them in the past. Being rich can make people even more greedy, so many rich people don't take "the opportunity to give back".

Instead of this, your essay is more interested in "why is money important", which isn't really what the prompt asks. I realize writing in English is tough for you, but even if you write well, if you don't address the prompt correctly, you won't be able to get a good score.

Writing Feedback / A company want to build a big factory near your community. Do you agree or disagree? -TOEFL essay - [6]

Hi yousssa, I'm glad you responded, as you raised a very important question. In my first response I was giving the best format for the "do you agree or disagree" type prompt. But as you said, there is a different type of prompt, which says "compare and contrast" or "discuss the advantages and the disadvantages", or "talk about both viewpoints and give your opinion", or something similar.

I think this prompt type requires a different format. The intro is the same, except your thesis statement will say that there are advantages and disadvantages to both sides. Then in the first body paragraph your topic sentence will say there are many advantages, then give the advantages, with examples and explanation. The second body paragraph will have a topic sentence saying there are also some disadvantages, then give those with examples and explanation. Then I would suggest combining your opinion, summarizing the advantages (or disadvantages) that make you feel that way, and some concluding sentences in a single final paragraph. This is still not really the format you used above.

Writing Feedback / A company want to build a big factory near your community. Do you agree or disagree? -TOEFL essay - [6]

Hi, I think your English is quite good. You don't have that many errors in grammar or word usage. But I think your overall format is not very effective. Your introduction is creative, but that one sentence was confusing to me. You did end your intro with a thesis statement, which is good. The problem is with your body paragraphs. It works much better for this type of essay prompt to have three reasons supporting your thesis (or two if you can't come up with three or don't have enough time) The first sentence in your body paragraph should give this reason. Then explain the reason in a sentence or two, then give a very detailed and specific example showing the reason in action. Do this for each reason, one body paragraph per reason. Then end with a short conclusion. Yours is ok, but try to lengthen it a little, maybe by adding a call to action at the end.

Graduate / Debts and Loans - 'money has a great role in each section of human life' - IELTS2 [6]

I'm not sure what band it would score. In quality, it seems comparable to band 6 essays, although I think there are too many errors to make it to the 7 level; but as I said, personally I thought the content of your first body paragraph could have been more convincing.

Writing Feedback / Government should not be biased when it comes to investment in cities - GRE issue essay. [2]

Hi, Your essay seems like it could be better organized. Your first and third paragraphs address the "reason" in the prompt, while the second paragraph addresses the "claim". I am not really familiar with the best way to structure a response to this type of essay prompt, but I would think separating the reason and claim in two paragraphs, or combining them in each paragraph would be better. Below please see my suggestions for your grammar and word usage.