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Posts by faizunaa17 [Suspended]
Name: Mushonnifun Faiz Sugihartanto
Joined: Sep 14, 2016
Last Post: Jan 8, 2017
Threads: 49
Posts: 91  
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From: Indonesia
School: ITS Surabaya

Displayed posts: 140 / page 4 of 4
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faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 2 - INNOVATIVE & INDEPENDENT WORKERS vs TEAM WORK & INSTRUCTIONAL EMPLOYER [2]

SOME PEOPLE THINK WHEN RECRUITING, COMPANIES SHOULD AIM TO TAKE ON PEOPLE WHO ARE INNOVATIVE AND ABLE TO WORK INDEPENDENTLY WHILE OTHERS CONSIDERED THEY SHOULD RECRUIT PEOPLE WHO ARE ABLE TO WORK IN A TEAM AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.

There are numerous considerations of the companies when recruiting new occupants. While some of them prefer to select people who are innovative and able to do task alone, the others more keen on the worker that have skillful teamwork even like to work based on the instructions. In my opinion both characteristics are utterly needed by the enterprises, because they have much job task that some of it solely can be done by someone who have special skills.

To begin with Innovative and Independently employers, these advantages are ultimately suitable for position at Research and Development Department. As we know that these days, competition in business field is really though, so the industries should be able to create a sustainable development. It will be easily to realize that, if the companies have workers that has enormous creativity even can work lonely, and because of that, they should be recruited by the Human Resource Department to fulfill the company's need.

However, there are some positions that only need people who always follow the instruction and have ability to work with their peers. They are usually extremely great for fulfilling some positions in the company such as technical or field workers. For instance, in oil industries, when they try to find new source of fossil fuel, people with good teamwork will really helpful for searching it, because they have strength to cooperate with their peers based on their boss' instructions.

In conclusion, companies are suggested to employ plenty occupants that have distinct capabilities and personalities, because every divisions have its own requirements. Moreover, if each of speciality can be combined by the CEO of the enterprises, I completely believe that it will boost the performance of the industry, also increase their margin significantly.
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Companies have made their own standard for recruiting employees. [4]

Hello Nuraini, I have some suggestion for you

Nowadays, companies have made their own ...
... that those companies should take people ...
... can help companies in certain condition

Some pressures in worksite

You see in your first paragraph you do repetition for the world 'COMPANIES'.
There are some synonym that can be used for replacing company:

INDUSTRY / ENTERPRISES / CORPORATION / FIRM are likely to be used in your passage

Meanwhile, others believe that PEOPLE WHO / SOMEONE WHO(subject is needed here) able to work in a team ...
You miss the subject

both of criterion have to beMUST BE had by employees

Try to make it more effective.

Some pressures in worksiteWORKPLACE make the employees

Worksite ---> I can't find it in Cambridge. maybe you mean workplace (C1) word !!!

REPETITION : EMPLOYEES : 7 TIMES

I count your word "employees" and you make repetition until 7 times. Please AVOID this !
You can change with synonym :

OCCUPANTS / WORKERS / LABOUR

... not enough for developing aTHE business

I believe that when aTHE company get larger

You are already mentioned before, so business is refer to your industry, use "THE" as the article.
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The time when young people finished their school and before take a lecture in the college [5]

Hello Yurike...

... time to take a jobin the adolescence. Although there are some advantages to working in (...) that many disadvantages too. The advantages are the enrich work (...), meanwhile, the disadvantages .

TASK:
Some suggest

1. In the question, there is word "some suggest" . But, in your introduction I can't find any paraphrasing of this. maybe "one of the people's opinion / some argue" or the others. Because it is actually someone's argument, so you must enter it in your introduction.

2. RED : what is your meaning of in the adolescence ? "di masa kecil ? " Please avoid to be likely directly translate from Indonesia. Make sure it's appropriate when it's used in English

3. advantages - disadvantages : repetition ------------> pros and cons / positive and negatives / benefit and drawbacks / good and bad / great and worst /
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) Only Rich Kids Should Go to College [3]

Hello Alvin, we meet again, waw, it was so amazing that you create new account, i hope it don't because your previous account was suspended right ? hehe.

What isWHY only wealthy kids can ...

1. You place inappropriate kind of question. What is ? or Why ? It has different meaning. I think based on your TED it explain the reason, so you must place "Why"

if you must borrow money to pay for collegechoose to work than take ...

PAY : VERB
FOR : Linking Word
COLLEGE : NOUN

CHOOSE : VERB
TO : LINKING
WORK : NOUN

2. You cannot make the sentence just like that. Bad Structure.
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The wind turbine with its components and best locations to generate electricity effectively [3]

... type of devices which beARE operated as wind turbine (need comma here) and the location where it can be applicatedAPPLIED in the environment

1. BE ---> ARE. use kind of be : are

2. before and, it should be added comma if the information / structure of the sentence is not balance

3. applicated ---> not found in english dictionary . APPLIED ---> THE CORRECT ONE

verall, the wind turbine has the same design in many (...) also this device has the same natural resource, ...

4. REPETITION : YOU CAN CHANGE LIKE THAT :
Overall, the wind turbine has the same design in many locations, such as in the sea, lower mainland, or high place. Moreover, that devices are similar in the kind of resource that is utilized for switching on it, by using wind as the natural source.
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task II about someone take a job in a gap time [5]

although work atIN THE gap time between after graduated from secondary school and universityGRADUATION TIME AND UNIVERSITY ENROLLMENT has certain advantages, the negative impacts more give effect GIVE MORE EFFECT to the adolescent.

1. Dioba, please study again about the different of usage : IN, AT, ON . Because it really different. At usually use for the time that really detail.

2. between + after ---> I don't know, but i think this kind of form is inappropriate, and inconvenient to hear.

3. more give effect ---> give more effect ---> make the correct sequence of your word.

Good luck broh
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / iPhone 8 Dreaming in Full Swing; ten years' anniversary [3]

There are some rumors that to celebrate iPhone's ten years' anniversary, there are a drastic innovation in iPhone 7 in 2017. This is chance for the companies to increase the number of iPhone that will be sold. For the recent iPhone, that demand actually still peaked, but it not obstructs Apple to make continuous improvement, especially when iPhones has one decades' anniversary.

In their long-term vision, iPhone will make whizbang splash that is proven by their materials of the body. It will be created by using block of glass and aluminum with few buttons, bumps, and holes. They also will take a step forward by adding OLED display that occupy most of the front of phone, even all of it by wrapping over its sides.

Moreover, the screen will be curved with an edge-to-edge screen. Surprisingly, the fingerprint technology is also added in that screen, so both the design and the authentication really developed. Furthermore, their body will be made from glass that enable it to do wireless charging.

So, with this kind of development, there are many rumors that mentioned this kind of developments are too much for iPhone 7, so it may for iPhone 8. As Kevin Krewel said, he suggested to apple for immediately launch the iPhone 8, to keep their position in the marketplaces
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / You can't Hide from Government Hacking [2]

Recently, US Department of Justice had established law enforcement that can hack our computer no matter where you are. They think this is very essential, while the privacy advocates say this too much power. This decision make them to be able to plant hacking software on a computer that is disgusting its location. They have a tool prosecutor to use for identifying suspects in financial crimes and child porn cases, who typically use tools to hide their computers' IP addresses.

Because of that, government decision still become pro and contra. Yes, it is true that can boost the power of surveillance, even make the country safer. Unfortunately, plant software on computers is too severe for each human privacy rights. As Andrew Crocker, a staff attorney at the privacy-oriented Electronic Frontier Foundation, said that this rules is more than procedural, even more authorized than before. Until now, some judgers still refuse to approve it, because it too powerful for government in someone privacy area.

Unfortunately, the US government was already hacking US citizens. They argue that it is actually part of investigation in the criminal accidents. According to Crocker, government has been hacking regular people's computer for at least 15 years. There investigated sites visitors related to child pornography. It is actually good, but sometimes they also hack for people that actually not act as bad guys. They argue it is because too hard or nearly to impossible to select one by one, and more easy to spread the hacking tool software randomly.
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A process of generating electricity by using wave energy is portrayed through two illustration [2]

IELTS TASK 1 - WAVE GENERATOR

A process of generating electricity by using wave energy is portrayed through two illustrations. Overall, there are two distinct conditions, while the first one is when the water fulfill the chamber, and the second one is contrasting with the previous condition that is depicted by exiting the wave from the chamber.

To begin with, we can see that the immense volume of the sea-water that fill the space, hit the cliff or sea wall. Then, it makes the airflow is going out from the column. After that, the turbine twist, and it causes the electricity can be produced.

Next, this is the condition when the direction of the wave is going to the opposite. It leads large space inside the chamber. As a result of that, air from the outside enters the column, and spins the turbine in the same direction. Finally, it creates the electric as an output, just like before. (152 WORDS)




faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Jakarta's Governor Was Questioned for Hours by Police as Part of a Blasphemy Probe [2]

Hello Yurike,

answered 27 questions which repetitive IS REPEATING / REPEATS / IS REPETITIVE of the previous (...) from Indonesian'S police because his ...

1. WHICH + VERB 1 / WHICH + BE + VERB ing / WHICH + BE + ADJECTIVE. Yurike, you must remember this rule !

2. Indonesian'S Police ---> Police that refer to indonesia / owned by Indonesia

that the position of leadership LEADER in Indonesia

3. ... bring in different meaning (because there are many position, such as manager, mayor, president, and it make the reader confused).

mustn'tMUST NOT always from THE Muslims although ...

4. AVOID TO ABBREVIATE LIKE THIS : mustn't, don't , won't ----> is not formal in academic writing.

but 200,0002,000,000 Muslims protested (...) of Jakarta on AT 4th NovemberNOVEMBER 4TH, 2016

5. Yurike, actually is two million, the TIME IS LYER, wkwkwk (don't obey this suggestion)

6. AT / IN / ON ---> try to study about these words' usage

7. Write date like the English Rule !
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of lakeside between 2000 and 2009 is portrayed by using two illustrations. [2]

A comparison of lakeside between 2000 and 2009 is portrayed by using two illustrations. Overall, there were several changes that led the place into more modern city, that was represented by the appearance of facilities such as car park, offices, university, shopping center, and widening the size of Industrial area.

To begin with, started with the building in the northwest of the lake. In 2000, we can see derelict warehouse and old town besides the resident's area. Then, those two was demolished to construct parking area, new workplaces, and college in 2009. In addition, while the art center was converted to become cinema, the school and the housing in the top still similar in the both years. Moreover, shopping area was built in 2009, to replace the residential area in the previous nine years.

Next, we are going to the southeast of the river. It can be seen that residential area was disappeared in 2009 to broaden the Industrial complex. In contrast, the size of the water area was narrowed since the lake was changed solely into the pond.




faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Polar species spotted in the deep seas of the Mediterranean [3]

Hello Mr. Mei :p

... ocean life in Oceana was discoverDISCOVEREDof an Atlantic lantern Shark which hasHADlongLENGTH 20 centimetres CENTIMETERS and glowing bright blue GLOWED BLUE BRIGHT along its spine ...

1. WAS + DISCOVER ---> DOUBLE VERB , DISCOVERED ---> VERB 2, "menemukan"

2. HAS ---> HAD , since this occurence in the past time

3. LONG ---> LENGTH, long (adjective), ====> length (noun)

4. TYPO --> CENTIME"TERS"

5. GLOWED (VERB PAST) + BLUE (ADJ, color) + BRIGHT (NOUN, lampu)

and they are WERE very surprising because they are discoverTHEIR DISCOVERY OF an ocean environment isWAS almost completely unexplored and inventINVENTED several species which WERE very exciting.

6. ARE ---> WERE (PAST TENSE)

7. THEIR DISCOVERY OF ( I looked at your sentence structure, and it must be like that to make it correct)

8. IS ---> WAS (PAST TENSE)

9. INVENT ---> INVENTED (PAST TENSE)

10. WHICH + WERE (VERB) ---> don't forget to place your verb there.

Dioba, please make sure you know the TIME SIGNAL of the article, Present or Past.
Then, please study again about subject verb agreement.

Break A Leg !
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Who was more eager to get an advanced education? Men, women and after full or part-time education? [2]

Hello ching tang

There isWAS an incredible (...) further part-time learning than full-time learning .

1. WAS ---> PAST TENSE, because it is in 1970 to 1991

2. avoid REPETITION , because when you say only part-time, people can still know because you already mention before

On the other hand, the chart tells us THAT the numbers of men in part-time education decrease comparedFLUCTUATED, BETWEEN 1970 AND 1991

3. Add connector "that"

4. Please make sure you input the CORRECT DATA, the number of men is not increase in those years, it's fluctuate
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 2 - ONLINE DATING POSSIBILITY during this immense evolution of technology [2]

With the latest technological advancements, dating is now possible online. Would you recommend online dating for your single friends? What are the advantages and disadvantages of online dating? Site some examples to support your answer.\

The immense evolution of technology makes everything possible to do, by solely touching fingers in our devices. As a consequence, these days, we are able to find online dating providers. This phenomenon actually great for reducing single inhabitant's population in the world, but I will utterly not recommend this to my unmarried friends, because beside I am still single, it also brings many demerits such as lack of the real sweetheart's selves and earn much sins from our God, albeit it still has disadvantages like less costly, even can make relationship with more than one person.

In fact, online dating services have many users around the world, because they think it has many merits that can they got. First, it is inexpensive rather than having a real mate. For instance, they do not need to buy food, jewelries, or some presents, although sometimes they do it. Moreover, without directly meeting, their spending for fuel is lower than people who do offline relationship. Second, some people say that they can have numerous boyfriends or girlfriends through the social media application. It is really possible because they just communicate via computer screen, and they can easily deceive to their mates.

Contrasting with my previous explanation, the negative effects ultimately outweigh the benefit. The primary reason is because people are unable to know the real personality of their soulmates. For example, some users can fill the information in the website with fake data such as occupation, religion, and the others. Moreover, many fresh criminals are caused by the internet that were unprecedented before. Taken example of that, in my country an enormous number of girls are got sexual violence that is began with over interact in online communication. Another reason that conclusively notable is because dating can provoke our God for throwing people to the hell as their sins when they do it.

All in all, I entirely disagree with online dating because it has many inadequate impact, even it is forbidden in my faith. So, for all who still single, they are proposed to immediately marry someone who becomes the true love until make them flying together to the paradise.
faizunaa17   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - AVERAGE DISTANCE TRANSPORTATION MODE [2]

A breakdown of the inhabitants' average distance of the transportation modes in England between 1985 and 2000 is depicted by using a table that is measured in miles. Overall, car was presented as the highest value, while the lowest was taxi. In general, it can be divided into three categories, there are vehicles that had tremendous, moderate, and tiny changes.

To begin with, the most enormous change was shown by taxi that rose more than three times than before, from 13 to 42. Then, private car, which had the foremost number went up to more than 50%, from 3199 to 4806. It was followed by train and local distance bus, both had around similar raise.

The second division were local bus and other which had distinct trend, although their change was moderate. While the local coach deteriorated moderately by 155 in 2000, other kinds of transportation mode went upward from 450 to 585.

Lastly, it was represented by walking and bicycle. It can be seen that pedestrian only had different 18 miles in those two years, while less distance was shown by cycler that solely at 51 in 1985, and had the tiniest drop among all by 10 miles.




faizunaa17   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Technology in the worldwide is developing significantly. This leads to several changes in our planet [2]

Modern technology is changing our world. This has advantages such as bringing people closer together through communication. It also has disadvantages such as destroying the differences between cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

These days, technology in the worldwide is developing significantly. This occurrence leads several changes in our planet. It brings numerous pros and cons for all people, like can create better way for communication in the advantage, even though has drawback such as demolishing cultural distinct. In my opinion, I completely agree if albeit there are some negative effects, but the utilization of technology is really needed by many people to fulfill their daily need.

To begin with, we already know that long distance looks like is disappearing since the invention of the mobile phone, even some social media applications. It totally proves that our devices are successfully for creating closely relationship between our friends and family through intensive communication. For instance, when my parents went to Mecca eleven years ago, the newest discovery of video call made us constantly to keep contact every day, and moreover, it made both of us feeling safe and convenient.

Meanwhile, there are some arguments that is mentioned that large number of the differences between culture is broken as a result of overusing technology. In fact, it is actually wrong, because by using the power of that modern tools, it can be easy for us to instantly spread it just in seconds. Furthermore, people are able to share each other about their local culture, dance, and some landmarks in their hometown just by uploading it into Facebook or Instagram. So, contrasting people's view that is mentioned before, technology has immense effect for spreading it around the world.

In conclusion, although some people are afraid that the usage of technology can disturb the differences between cultures, it does not matter since we can consume in an appropriate way. It is because the great relation between people can be built with solely talk via our screen.
faizunaa17   
Dec 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, dance is known as a social dance and as a connectivity. Summary TED [2]

Hello akhi

Camille A. Brown isARE a Choreographer and educator

1. You mention two jobs of Camelia Brown ---> Choreographer and Educator

She becameSA speaker inOF TEDx in 2016, (NEED COMMA HERE) and she said (...) dance expressES social community

2. BECAMES ----> She + Becames (She, He, It must be followed with VERB S )

3. article 'A' for beginning.

4. EXPRESSES ---> same reason with number 2

... social activities such as,(NOT NEED COMMA HERE) cultures, and social life

because society in the past, people express[b]ED[/b] their activities (...) and more OTHERS

5. EXPRESSED ---> you say in the past

6. OTHERS ---> you can place "more" because it kind of determiner / pronoun / adverb, so must be followed with adjective or other words

Take it samplean example

7. Use that because it appropriate collocations.

we can say that american WAS influenced BY African cultures.

8. Watch carefully about passive tense.

Keep hard work !
faizunaa17   
Jan 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / Toefl writing: technology has apparently assisted our kids to become more creative [3]

Hello Olivia Yang, I will give you several suggestions

1. Since this opinion essay, I think you'd better to use as many as adjectives/adverbs to emphasise your opinion or your explanation. Take examples from that :

However, I disagree

---> You can put I "totally/significantly/ultimately" disagree if you are 100% disagree
----> You also can put I "tend to/apparently/have tendency to/" disagree, if you still fifty-fifty.

2. Since this is academic style, avoid to use "And/But" in the beginning of the sentence.

And on the opposite, technology has ...

3. Your topic sentence in the second sections, seems not too simple. In my view, you must simplify it to make it to be more easy to understand

In general, your essay is already easy to follow. But, you should put more phrasal verbs and less uncommon verbs to boost your score.

Good Luck !
faizunaa17   
Jan 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / Introductions and Overviews IELTS [4]

Hello Krempetkov

First of all, let's start with Yemen's essay.

In my opinion, since this is the overall, you can paraphrase the age categories to be more effective and i recommend to you to avoid the "similar words" in the graph. For instance, you can paraphrase the age groups into this forms :

0-14 : The youngest groups/ Pupils / Children below fifteen /
14 - 59 : Middle age groups / Teenagers and Adults / people in productive age /
60 + : The oldest groups / Older People /


Secondly, the Canadian overall

In my opinion, it is good since it can addressed all of the parts, but you can develop it into more less common vocabulary :

"It is clear that" ===> too common. Perhaps you can swap into A closer detailed look at X reveals / A more detailed look at X reveals

Because there are no difference in the graph, all are increase in 2006, you can add additional information in your overall like that :
"All of the trends that is depicted in the Bar charts bear no difference, since it always increase in 2006"

Your third overview in my opinion is already great.

Hopefully it brings benefit to you

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