Undergraduate / MATHEMATICAL OLYMPIAD - Princeton: Baymax influenced me [10]

Anonym, This is a very good revision for your essay. I hope you will not mind though if I suggest removing another paragraph in order to create a more fluid discussion and lessen the focus of the essay on Baymax and just make it all about his influence on you. As I reviewed the essay, I found that the 3rd essay doesn't really offer much in terms of the strong influence that he was able to convey upon you. It seems that the strength of his influence is better reflected in the 4th paragraph. If you read the essay without the third paragraph, you will probably find the same thing that I did. That the essay focuses immediately on the direct influence that Baymax had on your thinking with regards to Math, success, and how triumph is a combination of a number of factors and not just academic skills. Please let me know if my suggestion works for you. I'll be happy to help for as long as you need me to.

Undergraduate / THE UNIVERSE IS A BOOK AND I AM READING IT [3]

Mualla, I believe that you have gone too broad in your motivation for learning here. The universe is indeed an interesting topic to learn about but I don't think that it is the correct motivation for your learning. In this instance, I think that the motivation for learning should come from a more personal standpoint. For example, your motivation to learn could come from your desire to help the women in your country achieve some sort of independence. Or your motivation to learn would be that you want to inspire the women of your country to rise from the cultural drawbacks that the sexism in your country has created. Usually, the motivation to learn comes from a desire to improve something that you feel is lacking or failing to perform. Having been with you from the very start of your essay development, I believe that you have a much stronger motivation for learning than what you have presented here. I hope that you can consider my suggestion and try to create a more personal reason for learning.

Undergraduate / RICE ESSAY: Diversity & How Life is Like a Pond [4]

Kelly, your personal perspective comes too close to the end of the essay. It would make better sense for you to first indicate the personal perspective that you want to bring with you to the university before you go into this detailed explanation of your family and cultural background. While I understand the importance of Chinese proverbs to the cultural identity and traditions of the Chinese, I don't really sense a need for it to be part of this discussion. Granted that it is descriptive in content, it still does not offer a direct insight into the diverse life and culture that you experience as a person. The proverb tends to make your statement feel generic because it does not really relate to a specific personal perspective in your life based upon your heritage. Try to be more direct to the point in your response. The reviewer will not have the time to wade through your highly relaxing writing style just to get to the contribution that you wish to share with Rice. He only has a few minutes to decide if your essay will give him the answer the essay requires or not. If he decides to set aside your essay for later review, it may be difficult for him to come back to it later on. So let's work on the focus and quick but informative content of the essay instead.

Undergraduate / PRACTICAL PHYSICS. This is my Yale essay I was wondering if the first sentence was a catchy one [5]

Abdul, for this essay, it would be best to just go direct to the point and say that you were excited about the first time that you entered the Physics laboratory. The first sentence that you have is not really helping the essay because it does not have any backstory before you present the activity. So it would be better if you don't use that sentence anymore. I don't really feel like the essay conveys a true moment of excitement because you went from discussing the lab work to your general opinion of Physics learning. If I were the one developing this essay, I would have focused more of my excitement about learning on the first time I entered the Physics lab. That way I would be able to actually present the excitement that I felt at finally being able to put the theories I learned in the classroom into practice within the confines of the laboratory. That seems to be the best way to share the correct excitement that you have with the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Common App #2: Failure - I am well-versed in the poetry of orchestra [8]

Angela, how many words are you allowed for the completion of this essay? It seems to be rambling on a bit too long and sadly, starts to get a bit heavy and cumbersome to read. While the presentation is very literary in approach, it feels like it takes way too long to get to the point. That is why I am asking about the word count. I have some ideas as to how to improve the essay in terms of content and length, but I need to know what your maximum word count is first. Then I can make proper suggestions as to where we might be able to make deletions and edits in the essay. I am looking at making some changes to the earlier part of the essay because that is where the information tends to drag. I will be awaiting your response. I hope that we can work together for the further improvement of your essay.

Undergraduate / My Extracurricular Activity Essay for Colleges. EYP - European Youth Parliament [7]

Yes, it can definitely work as an extra curricular activity now that I understand more about it. By the way, you better do some editing work on the essay. You have a few misplaced capital letters in there. Other than that, your participation in the program is clear. I think that you need to add some information about the objective of the EYP though. Just like the MUN, I am sure that it has an objective for the participants. Since the reviewer might not be familiar with the EYP, it would not hurt to point him in the right direction in terms of familiarizing him with the purpose of the extra curricular activity. Is there some way that you can insert a simple sentence that makes reference to that? Maybe I can help you with that?

Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

Andy, I apologize for making you feel insulted. That was not my intention. when I mentioned language limitation, and lack of knowledge of the English language, I meant that in terms of an English as a Second Language user. There are always some slight drawbacks to not being a native speaker in terms of spoken English and English essay development. That is all that I was pointing out. I did not mean it as an an insult. What I did not make clear I guess, is that I understood where the shortcomings and problems with your essay development may be coming from. If I was mistaken, then I hope you accept my profuse apologies. Don't worry, you will develop the best essay that you can. The others here at the forum will make sure of that.

Undergraduate / NYU's personality--multi-cultural, logistician, and open-minded [7]

Mualla, since this is a supplemental essay, there is no actual topic placed for your to respond to. Which is why you are free to discuss anything in the essay. While you have created a very interesting essay to read, it is too scattered in approach because of the lack of focus on a particular topic. In my opinion, the supplemental essay can be better utilized for your application if you do something specific. I would like to suggest that you create a prompt of your own. Read the other essays that you wrote for this application. Which of the essays do you think is your weakest? Use this essay to further strengthen that particular essay by offering an extended discussion or an explanation of that particular essay. Normally, the supplemental prompts are used to boost your application chances by allowing you to present additional information or explanations regarding your application shortcomings or weaknesses. I suggest that you do the same with this supplemental essay.

Undergraduate / "I learned MAGIC!" Harvard/UChicago Essay "What makes you Happy?" [4]

Saad, this essay is not Harvard nor UChicago ready. There is too much focus on the activity of magic rather than on the personal connection you have with the activity. Since you are being asked to discuss what makes you happy, you should be focusing more on the intellectual, emotional, and social connection that magic brings you which makes you happy. It is not about the activity and how you prepare for it that brings happiness to you. Discuss how the activity allows you to experience a higher level of self fulfillment that brings a smile to your face. Think of the way the people you perform for react to your magic tricks or acts. How does that make you feel? Consider if you will, that the act of performing magic brings you joy and happiness. So how would you relate that to the reviewer in such a way that it delivers a deeper insight into your friendly character.

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement- The Phenomenon of Link hopping. [4]

Malavika, your creative representation in your essay is highly imaginative and definitely hooks the reviewer in. However, you focused too much on creativity and not at all on something that you love to do. There are number of avenues that the essay can actually go down. Either you love to surf the internet and just read on general information about topics you enjoy or, you love to research subjects based on internet search results. The fact that there are 2 avenues that your response can go down means that you need to pick one of the avenues to better develop in the essay. Like what the others here have said, you need to better identify the activity because your narrative is a bit abstract in presentation. I am not sure what it is that you are trying to convey in the essay as the activity that you love to do. So a little clarification in that aspects is necessary and will go a long way towards improving your response.

Graduate / MY CAREER PROGRESSION. Statement of Purpose for MSc in UoM [6]

Serik, you only managed to properly answer the second prompt requirement in this instance. I advise you to review the prompt requirements. There are 3 specific questions. Therefore, this essay should only have 3 paragraphs. Each paragraph specifically answering the prompt requirement in order of question placement in the outline. It is imperative that you refocus the content of your essay to justify the reason why you are different from the other applicants. That is where the essay suffers the most in my opinion. All of the anecdotes that you told did not indicate any academic achievement, work recognition, or pioneering work that you may have performed in this field which can help you stand out as an exceptional applicant for a student slot at the university. Revise the essay accordingly in order to better your chances for consideration towards admission as a student.

Undergraduate / BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay [7]

Alex, my opinion is that you should try to do some research about how UPenn, and Wharton specifically, can help inspire you to learn outside of the classroom. Not all of the academic pursuits and interests need to be class based. If you pursue the class based reference to intellectual interests, you will pidgeon hole your essay into becoming just one of the many essays that discuss the same thing over and over again in the eyes of the reviewer. If you wish to stand out among the pack, then show them that you know about Wharton outside of the obvious. Look into internship programs, after school activities, or organizations that you can join which make reference to your major, but can be seen as a continuing education concept outside of the classroom. That way, your intellectual pursuits will not limit you to mere research, discussions, or interaction with professors. Look at the real world applications of intellectual interests that you can pursue at the university.

Undergraduate / Personal statement: Lessons learnt from baking [5]

Khongorzul , the essay doesn't really need such an intricate backstory about why you wanted to bake the cookies. If you just remove the reference to Costco, your essay focuses more on the failure and the succeeding lessons that you learned from it til you became a success by baking one cookie recipe properly. Remove the first paragraph and just start with the current second paragraph. Such an adjustment makes the essay more prompt responsive and eliminates the need for you to write a totally new essay. The essence of the prompt is very strong in your written work. I would not want to change anything about it because it totally shows your journey from failure to success in an interesting manner. In my opinion, a simple change to the content and format will be more than enough to make this essay qualify for use with this prompt.

Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

When I say language limitation, I am referring to your lack of knowledge of the English language which could sometimes hinder the development of an essay. It does not have any relation with the word count of an essay which only has a relationship with the length or number of words in the written text. Thank you for the complete information. See if my suggested opening statement works for you:

While walking back to class from the library, my friends and I had to pass through the large common area of our school. Since other classes were going on and the common area surrounded by classrooms, we did our best to keep quiet so as not to disturb the ongoing lectures. So you can imagine the irritation of the teachers when, upon spotting a $20 on the ground, I loudly asked "Who dropped a $20?" Shattering the concentration of students in at least 3 classrooms...

Use that as the basis of your revised essay. I believe that you can see the kind of necessary changes that I have been suggesting to you as applied in the opening statement I created.

Undergraduate / Beethoven's Opus 109 - Stanford Essay - Intellectual Development [9]

Donut, when the essay speaks of intellectual vitality, you have an opportunity to represent a unique learning experience on your part. Something that is not related so much to the things that you love to do or the major that you have chosen. While I can see your love for music coming through and the inspiration that you take from the activity, the development of the intellectual vitality part is lacking. The activity is what is hindering the essay in my opinion. While the violin playing can represent an abstract intellectual growth, unless you can fully explain a specific intellectual development in reference to the music. You cannot be extremely abstract as you are now with this topic. We need to see an activity that really promotes unrealized intellectual development on your part. A sense of maturity, a deeper understanding of the world, and an active continuing intellectual development are important to this essay. So limiting it to the single action of constantly playing Opus 109 is probably not the way to go this time around.

Undergraduate / MATHEMATICAL OLYMPIAD - Princeton: Baymax influenced me [10]

Anonym, perhaps you can try to first talk about your ideas behind Math and what you did not like about it in the first place. If you show that negative aspect of your interest, then introduce Baymax as the person who changed your mind about Math and helped to grow your love for Math, then his inclusion in the essay will take on more of a supporting role in the overall narrative. Do not open with Baymax immediately. Open with statement about yourself, math, and what Baymax inspired you to do with regards to it. Aim to mention yourself first in reference to the work that Baymax did. In truth, if you focus only on the influence he had on you and not the activities such as his hanging a medal on your team's heads, then the essay will have a better focus on you as a Math aficionado instead.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Last Two Summers [6]

Eri, you can try something like this to make better sense of your statement:

2015
Toured Japan, Korea, Europe;
World view expanded.
Art in Florence;
Food tasted,
Cheesy Topologi.

2016
Appreciated Grandpa's life.
Technology Student Association;
highlight of competitions won.
Felt happy and new
While sharing my first love,
Music with children.

What I am trying to do here is show you an example of the unique way that you get your message across clearly to the reviewer. Notice how the poem includes dates of activities? That is the most important part of the information. You can adjust the poem I have above or you can make your own new one. The important thing is that you don't make yourself seem like you are just throwing random phrases at the reviewer. Even phrases, when properly presented, can make sense upon first reading.

Undergraduate / 'helping hand at the end of your arm' My Common Application Essay for the Ivy League Colleges [5]

Saad, the essay about the transition to adulthood works well at this point. Go ahead and use that already. There is nothing else to be done in terms of content for the essay. You did a very good job on the revision. As for the second essay, my apologies but I cannot give you advice regarding that prompt essay in this thread. The forum strictly implements a one essay per thread policy so I cannot respond to that essay here. You will have to post it as a separate , new thread in the forum. The admin will delete the second essay post once the system informs them about it. So it would be best if you just post a new essay thread where I can respond to you without being concerned that the essay and my advice to you will be deleted.

Undergraduate / The latent 'choranaptyxic' embryo - Harvard - extracurricular activities or work experience(150W) [5]

Mhod, you while the drama club is a good extra curricular activity to discuss, I do not believe that focusing on a single dramatic presentation is the way to go with this essay. You have to talk about the activity in general terms. Terms that will allow you to present the way that the drama club has influenced you to become a better person, or has helped you to hone a talent. The extra curricular activity should not focus on one particular experience alone. It has to be all encompassing in terms of presentation. You will need, in my opinion, to revise the essay by focusing on the general instead of specific benefits that you have gained through your participation in the drama club.

Undergraduate / My Extracurricular Activity Essay for Colleges. EYP - European Youth Parliament [7]

Dzvenyslava , I am a bit confused. If this is an extra curricular activity, then this should be something that you are doing on a continuous basis outside of school. Since this activity comes to an end, it doesn't seem like an accurate extra curricular activity to discuss here. Is this similar to the MUN or Model UN activity that some students participate in while at school? If it is, then you should pick a different extra curricular activity. An extra curricular activity is one that takes place after class, usually out of the school and does not relate to anything academic. This is supposed to be about an activity that is done as a form of pursuing other non academic interests. I don't think this EYP is the way to go with the essay.

Undergraduate / ISB PGP , Why you? Essay, 400 words; a worthy member of the prestigious students' pool of ISB [3]

In paragraph 3, you have the chance to set yourself apart from the other applicants of the essay. How do you that? First, you name the international client that you handled. Then, you tell the reviewer the name of the award that you received. If it was an accolade, explain if you received a formal form of appreciation for your work. The part of the essay after that is not really impressive. It could just be because of your presentation or the event is really not significant in such an important paper.

In truth, there is actually no information in this paper that "pops" to the attention of the reader. It is hard to say that the essay is strong because it lacks an interesting hook for the reviewer to latch on to. We need something in the essay that will call attention to a strong skill, trait, or talent of yours which might give you a chance to win the student slot. I am just not sure what that can be at this moment. Do you have any ideas we can play with for that part of the essay?

Undergraduate / I lost my IPad but I found something much more valuable. Common App 2nd Prompt Essay. [4]

Batjin, the essay is very good. It is too long winded and needs to be cut down for length so that the essay can be easier to read for the reviewer. Read the essay a few more times and try to cut out the unnecessary parts because most of the essay sounds like word fillers and nothing more. Try to get to the point or the climax of your story as soon as you can. That way the reviewer will be more interest in reading your essay. The shorter and more informative it is, the better. By the way, there is only one missing aspect to the essay that can make it a perfect response to the prompt. How did your parents react to the loss of the IPad? How did they react to the fact that you were able to handle the problem alone, even though you lost such an expensive gadget? We need the acknowledgement on their part of your adult actions in order to make this a real transition event.

Undergraduate / Passion for mathematics (which isn't just a class. It's a philosophy) - Personal Statement [4]

Bold, the focus of the essay should be on your ability to pick yourself up from failure. That means you will not have the help of other people to get you over the failed attempt that you had. In this case, the essay focuses more on the role of your friend in picking you up from the failure that you had. You sound morose in this essay and really unable to help yourself get over your failure unless someone helps you do it.

What you need to do is present an essay that focuses on your ability to learn from your failure. This mean you are capable of succeeding in life without help from other people because you know how to direct your life towards success stemming from failure. Perhaps it would be best if you just write a totally new essay instead. One that focuses solely on your ability to recover from failure because of the lessons that you learned from it.

Undergraduate / Things I've done during my gap year - working in the paints store [6]

Anonym, you definitely need to polish this essay along with making the content more understandable for the reviewer. It is really a very confusing essay to read. If this is your gap year, then you should speak of your grandparents death in past tense. In fact, you can just integrate it into the second paragraph by saying:

My grandfather on both sides of my parents died last year. Since he worked for his father, he had to handle some financial problems my grandfather left when he died. Needless to say the unexpected death severely handicapped our finances so my father was only able to barely answer for our family's financial needs. That is why I had to delay attending college for a year. Since our finances have stabilized, I am now looking forward to attending college next year.

I have not been idle during my gap year. I have spent most of my time helping my dad at the family business. My participation there has helped me keep abreast of my academic education because...

I hope my example of how to better develop the essay can help you develop the rest of the statement. Your work has potential. You just have not applied yourself properly to its development. Please work hard on this essay in all aspects. This essay can help you get into college if written properly.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for an International Development Studies Program. [3]

Noman, add credibility to your claim of realizing that you wanted to work with people by adding the complete name of the organization you worked with, the location / name of the refugee camp, and the years when you participated in this program. That information will be vetted for validity and help in your application because it aligns with the program you wish to study. Since you are applying to an International Development Studies program, the way that you interacted with these people are of paramount importance to your essay. So give this presentation a separate paragraph in the overall essay.

Do not say that you think you are one of the best candidates for the program. If you think you are the best then that means that you know you are not qualified for the program. The belief of the reviewer in your ability to qualify for the program will rely solely on your confidence in yourself and the image of certainty that you deliver in your personal statement. So be sure of yourself. Do not speak wit uncertainty. That will not help your essay.

The rest of the essay seems to work well with the other portions so I am not so worried about those sections. My main concern is on the paragraphs that I mentioned above. I hope you can revise them in a manner that best strengthens your essay.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

No, the reviewer doesn't know the rest of the story because you placed the confrontation at the start of the essay. So don't assume that he will remember the confrontation when you insinuate a reference to it in the middle of the essay. Look, stop trying to create a narrative that is better suited for a creative writing class. The reviewer is not interested in how well you tell a story. He is interested in the story that you have to tell alone. It doesn't matter if it sounds like it was written by Dr. Seuss or J.K. Rowling. Just tell the story. The version you have developed now is more than good enough to use but the fact that the confrontation came before the argument started so that is a problem in this version of the essay.

It would be best if you just use the version that you wrote before this one because it is more straight forward and gets the job done. That is all you have to do. Respond to the prompt. In a timely and accurate fashion. There is no need to turn this into the next Shakespearean play. No grammatical errors as far as I can tell. The essay was ready for use yesterday.

Seriously. It was ready for use with the version prior to this one. You just crossed the line and made a mistake that will have you revising the whole essay so the reviewer can make sense of this version that you just wrote. Use the version before this one. The reviewer will thank you for it.

Graduate / Imperial College "Concrete Structures" Personal Statement [6]

Eng, I analyzed your essay before I wrote the advice that I previously gave you. That is why I was able to tell you which specific parts of your essay you can just take out of the original one in order to create a better and more informative essay that will best suit the prompt requirements. The parts of the essay that do not really belong in the discussion are not included in the paragraph count because those are supposed to be removed from the revised essay. So in answer to your question, paragraph 3 will remain in the essay so you don't need to worry about it. It is an important part of the essay. Just put together the paragraphs I mentioned and the new essay will take very good shape and meaning for you that you can better use with your application.

Undergraduate / My two homes: one in South Dakota, another in Texas - Brown supplement [4]

Stephanie, as a Korean immigrant, you actually have lived in 3 places so you should describe the lessons you learned from all 3. These places are Korea, Rapid City, and El Paso. The prompt clearly states that you should describe all the places where you have lived so omitting the Korean living experience would be a mistake. That is actually the living place that you had which would pop out for the reviewer because that is where you started life and that is where your character was founded. Therefore, it is a necessary element of this essay. Highlight that part of your Korean life in a way that its importance to your development as a person is clearly seen and carries the same weight at the other two places where you lived once you got to the U.S.

Undergraduate / Untitled - My Common App - Not one talent, background, or identity defines me. [4]

Katie, what you have written is a background essay so you cannot say that you do not have a background. Classify this as a complex background essay. That way all of the characters that you portray in the story make sense. Word of advice though, the first paragraph is all about Lily and not you. That has to be revised to bring the focus on your personality as an aunt. The reviewer doesn't care what page on People magazine is your niece's favorite, unless it is the same as your favorite page. Omit the 4 year old self in the essay as well. It doesn't make sense to suddenly go back to infancy when you have already discussed so much success and failure in your life as a potential college student. Stick to one personality and that is the almost adult one that you have. That way the essay becomes a background and character trait essay instead of a complex and confusing written narrative.

Undergraduate / Paideia - the complete education of mind, body and spirit. Contribution to the Reed community [5]

You can actually keep the movie if you want to. Like I said, the education of the mind, body, and spirit in this instance will come from the way that your class will observe the faults in a seemingly perfect movie. Yes, I said seemingly perfect because the movie still has its flaws. Check the movie trivia for the possible conversation starters that you can have for the class. I am sure you will find the mistakes of the movie as fascinating as the scientific correctness of its other aspects. Sometimes, the education of the person is not limited to the propriety of the information that is shared, it can also come from the faults of a person. So you could focus on the imperfection of the prefect science in the movie in order to give them a unique movie learning experience.

Undergraduate / Tetris blocks - relax sometimes to keep your mind ready. U Penn supplemental essay - engineering. [5]

Khatanbuuvei, your narrative is really long but does not offer any solid idea as to how UPenn became the the school where you will best pursue your academic and other intellectual interests. You have decided to introduce the reviewer to your background instead of actually connecting your interests with the way that UPenn will be able to help you cultivate and grow those interests. You only talk about UPenn towards the end of the essay and still, you did not manage to respond to the prompt correctly. All you have to do is look at the academic offerings of the university, how they present the methods by which you can learn and how you can pursue other academic interests through their clubs, organizations, specific classes, and other methods. This current essay is not focused on UPenn and the requirements of the prompt. So you would do best to develop a new essay that will reflect your familiarity with the university, which is the whole point of the essay.

Undergraduate / The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid [30]

You are right, I am not ignoring you. I just had some other stuff to do that kept me away from the computer. Like I warned you before, I would probably be delayed in responding but I will definitely respond to you as soon as I have the time to do it. Guess what? Now is the time.

The additional dialogue that you placed at the beginning is pretty good and helps to represent the voice of your parents. However, you need to make a connection between that event and the party. Somehow, you have to connect that as the aftermath of your decision to take it easy academically and the fact that you told your parents about it at the party. Yes, the tense usage is fine. You are trying to recreate a situation on paper so it makes sense to use present past tense. Since it happened not too long ago. The essay is really ready to use now. Stop it with the editing. At a certain point, you are going to edit yourself into a mistake that will have you suddenly dissatisfied with your essay and worse, have you working on a totally new one because you don't know how to fix the mistake you made. In this case the saying "Leave well enough alone." totally applies.

Undergraduate / Syracuse: What influenced me (advanced writing) [4]

Selin, it seems that your essay focus is more on the people that influenced you to apply to Syracuse. The thing is, you do not identify them by name. If the reviewer is to take your statement seriously, then you should name the people you spoke to as alumnus at the university. However, you can only use his or her name if he or she is writing a recommendation letter for you to support your application. If you do not have any supporting documents coming from them, then do not mention them in the essay in any way. Most specially, you cannot make them nameless in the essay. Doing so makes the reviewer doubt your claims so it nullifies the statement. Instead, focus on what you learned about Syracuse in terms of their objectives in educating students. Talk about what appeals to you in that field instead.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Last Two Summers [6]

Eri, whether you paid for the trips or not is not the issue. So whether you sound like a brat or not doesn't matter. The question only asks you to tell the reviewer what you did over the summer. He is not going to judge you on whether you paid for the trips or not. Please tell your friend that these responses require direct answers since these are word limited essays. The reviewer will not have any opinion of you other than the fact that you spent your 2 summers doing highly productive and relevant activities that helped you increase your knowledge and allowed you to pursue your educational interests. So there is nothing wrong at all with the activities that you listed. The only thing that I can advise you to do is mention the summer months and years that these activities took place so that the reviewer when you did what. Right now, it seems like you are just discussing one long summer. So just put the demarcation and your essay should be alright to submit.

Undergraduate / The cues of the Yoruba, Igbo and the western culture. MIT Cultural Background Essay [7]

Davidson, I strongly suggest that you use the Optional Section in Part 2 to further develop your essay. Since you are being asked to introduce your cultural background and identity, it cannot be limited to 100 words. We need to make sure that you accurately build up the history of your people (the roots of Igbo), any particular social traditions that help to identify you to the world, the kind of international relations your country has (allied nations, etc.) and anything else that helps to identify you as a unique culture in a world full of seemingly individualized cultures. I think that you are part of an ethnic tribe in Nigeria right? So you have to discuss how Nigeria, as a government, treats your tribe (if that is the correct term), your problems and successes, and a host of other information. All of which are important in representing who you are and how your tribe has helped you achieve that unique character that you embody. We may be able to adjust the content of your essay. First, you need to write a new draft that has enough information for us to work with. Then i will help you from there.

Undergraduate / Why you have applied or expressed interest in a particular campus, school, college, program... [4]

Jood, there is no need for you to tell the reviewer that your parents are against you enrolling at NYU- AD. That is irrelevant to your interest in the university and the major that you are interested in applying for acceptance to. While your 11th grade exposure to the university makes for a good background story, and I do suggest keeping that part of the essay in the revised version, you have not discussed what major you are planning to enroll in and why you feel that NYU-AD is the best place for you to pursue your dreams in relation to your chosen major. I mean, you clearly are set on enrolling at the Abu Dhabi campus. What is not clear is why you want to enroll in this campus in relation to your major. So you need to properly represent your chosen college course in one paragraph, then present a supporting reason in relation to the way you be educated in that field at NYU-AD. If you can properly represent the missing part, then you will have a pretty solid response to the prompt. Do not discuss the international campuses at this point. That is not required discussion. Just focus on 2 things; your major and why you want to study that major in the AD campus.

Undergraduate / Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays [12]

Please tell me more about the scenario regarding how you found the $20. I need to know if you were walking the class hallways, if you were in the quadrangle where some classes were being held, or in some other area where lessons are taught amidst heavy foot traffic. Tell me as much as you about what happened. Don't omit details. I will see if I can help you develop the opening paragraph instead. I know it is hard to do because of your language limitation so I will do my best to help you formulate it instead. Do you think you can work with me on this paper that way? I'm more than happy to help you develop a more relevant paragraph. I just need your cooperation to do so. I will await the additional information so that I can send you a sample of how to fix the problem paragraph.

Undergraduate / AN HOMELESS PERSON INFLUENCED ME. PRINCETON ESSAY [5]

Barry, your story is confusing. The prompt is asking you to talk about one person who influenced you. Not two. So if you feel the homeless man was the one who really influenced your desire to learn about computers, do not discuss your neighbors anymore. You actually have two different kind of influences going on in this essay. So you have to pick one and develop that for the discussion. Either you discuss how your interest in computers developed and evolved because of the influence of your neighbor, or you discuss how the influence of a hopeless person made you a more caring, civic minded, and hopeful person. You can't discuss both. It will divide the attention of the reviewer and thus, make him confused about the point of the story. Pick the story that you feel best fits the prompt and develop that into a narrative essay response.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

Mualla, my apologies if I accidentally insulted you when it came to the difference between the two terms. That was not my intention. I hope you won't take it against me. It is just that most females I know who are big into the feminist cause are usually so familiar with the terms, I beg them to stop telling me about it. Hahaha! Mostly because the discussion ends up in group debates where at the end of the night, the friends go home miffed, but still friends somehow.

I would like you to try a new opening paragraph for your essay. This is for your consideration and use if you wish to do so:

Having grown up in a rigid Muslim environment where the movement and rights of women are controlled by the men, I grew up rebelling against the system. Mostly because I felt that as a women, I should have rights as well. I never knew the meaning of feminist rights and the feminist cause until I began doing research for colleges. At Barnard, I hope to blossom as a feminist and come into my own identity under the feminist cause based upon the college's desire to promote female activism. This is a cause that I must learn about if I am to return to my home country and make a change for the women there. The education I will receive ...

Now, for the final statement, don't say math and science are underrepresented by women because that may not be the case in all countries. Be specific say it is under represented in your country and you hope to change that. Then end the essay. I think we can finalize the content then.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

Not a bad start for a beefed up paragraph. Keep working on it and let me know when it is ready to be reviewed. I think you are getting to the point where the essay can be considered to be in its final phase of editing. As an fyi, do not confuse women's causes with women's success. Those are two different things. Women's causes are related to women's rights. I am amazed that you are not familiar with the term since you are a big defender of women's rights in your country. If you want to fully understand how women's rights and women's causes are related, look it up using a simple search. Doing that research just might help you to develop a better response to the essay. Work some of the issues and solutions into you essay if you can.