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Posts by EF_Team5
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Last Post: Nov 27, 2008
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Posts: 1583  
From: USA

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EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Graduate / Wat can u contribute by means of ur skills & expertise to mba participants? [4]

Good evening :)

As you did not describe what kind of assistance you are seeking, I have made general comments in regards to the piece:

"Working for two of the best brands at various levels across two diverse industries helped me acquire skills indispensable, not only for an individual, but also for the team an individual is a part off. Teaching at an institute got me in touch with children and people from different stratas of society, and that helped me understand a very different aspect of marketing. Apart from analytical skills, I also enhanced my communication skills appreciably at work.
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Writing Feedback / Being involved in or witnessed a trouble situation - Essay Help [2]

Good evening :)

As you did not describe what type of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments on the piece.

"For ten long minutes a group including myself stood around idly while two men fought. It was Bamboozle, a n annual rain-or-shine (Remove comma) two-day music festival held in New Jersey. I remember it like it was yesterday. The concert starts around 10 A.M. and usually runs for 12 hours. It was about half way through (Remove comma) when my friend Louie and I decided to walk to another stage where the next band we wanted to see was playing.

When we got to the next stage the previous band was still playing and the crowd was huge. We decided to wait in the back until they finished. About halfway through their last song, I saw a man holding a teenager in a head-lock. He was dragging him towards me from the middle of the mosh pit. The man threw the teenager to the ground and started screaming at him. This drew everyone's attention that was in the general area. Before I knew it there was a circle of people around the two men. The older man was considerably larger; h e looked as if he lifted weights everyday, whereas the teenager was scrawny. The teen had no chance, yet he stayed there (Remove comma) and took a beating. No one, including myself, seemed to try and stop the beating. Five to ten minutes went by and the teenager seemed like he had enough. He appeared as if he was going to give up. Out of nowhere, the man's girlfriend appeared. She started to kick the teenager while he was down. That's when I had enough. I started to head towards the girl kicking the teenager, but security wound up beating me to it (n o pun intended).

For the rest of the day, all I thought about was this poor teenager getting beaten in front of a countless amount of people. I felt terrible. Why didn't I react, or get help? I guess, like the rest of the crowd, I froze or was consumed by fear. Maybe I was just afraid to get involved. Take your pick. It could have been anyone or all of them. I really don't know. One thing was for sure, I wished I could go back in time and try to stop the fight before it got way out of hand.

Shortly after the fight was broken up, my friend twisted his ankle in a mosh pit. I carried him to the medical tent so they could examine him. I saw the teenager there, sitting on a cot. I walked over to him and said, "I saw the fight from the beginning, and I'm sorry I didn't do anything to stop it." He accepted my apology and said, "If the situation was in reverse, I probably would have just stood there too." For the time being this made me feel better, but I can honestly say the fact that I didn't do anything still bothers me today. I still picture the woman kicking the teenager while he was down.

I remember in one of my h ealth classes during high school , we were learning CPR. Our teacher was telling us about how human beings are hesitant when someone is in distress. For instance, if someone is choking, people might be hesitant to perform the Heimlich maneuver or CPR. They feel there is a chance of hurting the person more than they already are. Depending on the person, if you crack a rib trying to perform CPR this could lead to a lawsuit . This is one reason people stand back and wait for someone else to help. I always looked down upon people like that, but after the incident at Bamboozle, I realized I did the same thing. I stood there and watched a fellow human being in trouble. Since then, I have made myself a promise to help people who are in need."

A well told story that is well organized and has fluidity.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Research Papers / Research paper on death penalty - where to start? [12]

Good afternoon.

I suggest you begin with a rough outline, especially with a topic as vast as this one, not right off with the introduction. After all, how are you to write an in introduction to a paper that you haven't written yet?

List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body. This is where your outside research is going to really help you; you'll find interesting things you want to include, and some stuff that probably isn't very important.

Once you have all of that completed, the introduction will be much easier. You can find a catchy way to lead your readers into the paper you have already written.

I hope this helps you get started.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Undergraduate / the invasion of HIV aids - elaborate on your extra curriculum activitues [2]

Good afternoon :)

As you did not describe what kind of assistance you are seeking, I have made some general comments in regards to the piece.

First, make sure you are correctly punctuating and capitalizing your sentences. For a refresher of these as well as basic grammar rules, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

I think you have a good message here, but it is overshadowed by poor mechanics.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Undergraduate / "The pedigree of football" - a person who has made influence in my life [3]

Good afternoon.

I agree with nanayaws. It is hard for me to decide whether your content is a good response to the prompt or not because it is very confusing to me at times. Also, the lack of punctuation and/or capitalization at many points in the piece makes comprehension much more difficult.To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. If you are unable to locate a book like this, check the internet for "grammar" and "punctuation" "guides." There are many good ones online.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Undergraduate / Personal Philosophy Statement (God, husband, pets, and friends) [3]

Good afternoon.

This is a very well-crafted piece. The reply answers the prompt, the piece is organized well, the paragraphs and sentences are properly structured, and the intro and conclusion tie everything up neatly. Your content is good and your word choice is outstanding; the result is a strong, active tone.

The only suggestion I can make for this piece is to make sure that you don't start your sentences with "and" or "but." As they are linking/transitory words, they shouldn't be the first words of a new sentence.

Other than that, an exceptional piece. Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Essays / Movie types: Classification Essay [4]

Good afternoon.

Generally, a classification essay is exactly what you're describing. You do end up dividing a topic up into different sections because that is exactly what you're doing; you're compartmentalizing the items you are writing about. The trick of integrating each compartment comes in your transitions between sections. Smooth transitions from one section to the next will link all of the little pieces into one.

For examples of classification essays, type in "examples of classification essays" in your internet search engine; there are numerous guides and examples out there that will help you structure your piece.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

Good afternoon :)

Unfortunately, writing personal (autobiographical) essays are impossible for anyone but the individual to write. Since I don't personally know you, I cannot really give you any specific details as to starting points for yourself.

What I can suggest, is to start with an outline. That sometimes helps with getting started. I suggest you begin with a rough outline, not right off with the introduction. After all, how are you to write an in introduction to a paper that you haven't written yet?

List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body.

Once you have all of that completed, the introduction will be much easier. You can find a catchy way to lead your readers into the paper you have already written.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Graduate / (business sense, role model, MBA degree) -Statement Of Goals [8]

Good afternoon :)

This is much better. Your goals are more organized and clearly defined, and the overall piece flows together much nicer than the first piece. Your background is given proper time and the goals are more "front and center." Nice work.

A few mechanical suggestions. For instance, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Also, the general rule about numbers is that if it is between one and ten, write it out; if it is 11 or more, it is acceptable to use the numerals.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Undergraduate / I am Generation Y - essay for college admission (personal statement) [2]

"I am " Generation Y," the unknown, the puzzle, and the hope. But why "Generation Y," why not "Generation Change" or something more positive, why does it have to be "Y," and give the connotation of uncertainty?You could also break this series up into a run of short questions and still be effective. Try it and see how it works. I see"Y" as the open variable. It has an infinite number of possibilities. Basic algebra teaches us that in order to find out what Y is we would have to take the time to solve for Y. The generation, which I have been born into, has been labeled generation Y, as if to say that we as a generation are considered impossible to classify, and like the letter Y, we are an entire generation of variables. This is only partially true, only because my peers and I do not have a specific issue, which conveysHow about "motivates?" us to assemble. We have no war to contest, there is no music calling for us to unite for peace, nothing that glues us together as a generation. We are instead like the molecules of some unknown gas; stretched out in its own space and each dictating its own path, occasionally colliding, but as a whole not really traveling in any particular direction.

It is my perception that the label of generation Y has come to mean something that is almost condescending. I regard myself an avid reader of news magazines like (Remove comma) Reader's Digest, Time, andNewsweek, which often highlight and emphasize on the growing generation gap today. Coincidentally it is often told from the point of view of older generations. It is my opinion that any time the term generation Y is mentioned in these magazines, it is done in a way that makes us all seem like advocates of daredevil stunts and adrenaline pumping feats; individuals who play too many video games and spend too much time at the mall. We are not understood because we are not given the chance to " be;" we are pushed aside and stated that we are not ready for the "real" world. I think about all of my hard work at being a good person to all whom I encounter, and if it is even worth it, if my identity is already prejudged by older generations. The fact remains that both sides of this struggle must have the desire to come together first, before any strides to curtail the ever-widening generation gap are made.

The question may arise for you to ask if I am just a variable, a free floating object that has yet to take that step. The answer is no; I have taken that stride to solution. I have found my identity in science. Science is the path that I will take to get my solution. As we grow more and more daring in the field of science it has, in turn, rewarded us with new answers and possibilities, and as a part of generation Y I hope to climb on to the next rung in the ladder.

In the mathematics of life, we are each our own algebraic problem for which the identity of Y must be solved. Some problems demand more work than others and many answers may come out to be very radical. But when it is solved Y equals the solution. We are called generation Y because we are the solution. But until the older generations and the youth of today sit down and put the time into their math work, we will all just remain independent variables with no association. No identity of our own, no cause to fight for; just the false pretense that solving for Y is too difficult, and that algebra arouses bad feelings."

This is a very strong statement. Your tone is confident and you use great active voice. Your opening and closing are also very powerful. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 12, 2008
Undergraduate / 'AIDS vaccine and cure' - Bard College essay [4]

I believe that it answers your prompt, and in regards to grammar, see my suggestions above.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Writing Feedback / Hypothesis essay on the book, Out of This Furnace [2]

Good evening :)

I have some general comments about the piece.

First, mechanics. Make sure you are capitalizing the first word of your quoted material. For instance, "he had come to America..." should be "He had come to America..."

Also, check your required citation style in regards to the format of the book title. Some styles require the title to be in quotation marks, others that it be in italics. Make sure you know what you need to do so you don't miss points for simple formatting errors.

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. For instance, "he'd..." should be "...he had..."

"...things even more, especially if he'd decide to go back to the old country."

"Unfortunately, hope was not enough; Kracha's life falls apart right before his eyes, but he never once considers returning to his birthplace."

A very nice piece. You are very organized and use great transitions between paragraphs. the pace moves logically and smoothly from one point to the next, and the conclusion is a fitting ending to the piece, tying it up nicely; it draws a conclusion and expounds upon that thought. Great job using direct citations from the text to support your assertions. Every point you made was supported by the text and properly cited! Excellent piece; it made me want to go out and read this book. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Graduate / Critical reflection on self essay [4]

Good evening :)

Since I have already commented on sections of this essay, I am going to remind you to look at the previous posts in regards to mechanical errors. There are still instances in the new sections which need to be corrected, such as spelling and inappropriate capitalization. Make sure you are applying these corrections carefully to the rest of the piece.

In regards to the content of the new pieces, you seem to have applied the requested tools and techniques effectively. Since the specific content of this piece is out of the scope of my expertise, I suggest you contact a classmate or a member of your campus staff to look over the quality of the content. They will be able to tell you better than I whether it is quality content or not. The organization and flow of the piece looks good, and the piece moves smoothly from each paragraph to the next. Your conclusion is a little weak. It should wrap up your entire piece by retelling your readers what you have already told them; that is, reiterate your main points briefly in your conclusion. That will give your audience a sense of satisfaction as well as closure; both good things in writing.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay Comparing 2 poems with the theme of "Women" [2]

Good evening :)

I suggest beginning with an outline. List all of the topics you absolutely want to include and then one fact and/or a supporting detail or story about that topic. You can include as many topics, facts, supporting details, or stories as you need to make a strong essay. Once you have that done you can rough out a conclusion; wait until the very end to write your introduction though. After all, how can you introduce something that you haven't even written yet?

Your thesis should contain something about comparing and contrasting items in both works. What items do you want to compare and contrast? This will come in your outline. Obviously the first thing they have in common are women. How are they portrayed, described, or referred to in each piece? Are there any common themes in that regard in the pieces? How do they refer, discuss, or portray them differently? How about assumed author's opinion? Do they think of women the same way, hold them in the same regard, or do they differ here?

I hope this helps get you started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Research Papers / Trouble narrowing down research topic about sport hiring process [6]

Good evening :)

Excellent work! You have a very thorough outline here. The only thing I see with it is that you list "demeanor" twice; is this on purpose? Otherwise, I think you have great headings and subheadings. If you include definitions and explanations of phenomena (where appropriate, of course), along with thorough examples, data/statistics, or applicable stories, you should have more than enough material to cover the page length requirements. The flow also looks good; if you stick to this organizational current throughout the piece, it will be organized overall very well and should move easily from each point to the next. Very nice job! You're moving right along!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Undergraduate / UC applications - Do's and Dont's? [2]

Good evening :)

I am not familiar with the specifics of this university, but there are some general rules when it comes to writing university acceptance essays.

First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing. They are inappropriate, so make sure you are writing out the full versions of the words you are contracting.

Second, always make sure you completely answer all aspects of the prompt. If your piece ignores one facet of the prompt, it will more than likely get rejected.

Third, stay as close as possible to the word count restrictions. Many admissions panels begin their rounds of eliminations by discarding pieces that don't follow their length requirements.

Make sure you always have someone else look over your work before submitting it. Small errors such as punctuation and spelling can be as lethal as bad grammar.

Hopefully someone else on the forum that has experience with this specific institution can provide you with some more detailed suggestions. Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Undergraduate / Volunteered at a hospital, specializing in the treatment of leukemia and cancer diagnosed children [5]

Good afternoon :)

Thank you for the compliment :)

At this time, the site does not provide personal consultations, as it is a public forum. If you are worried about plagiarism or other unauthorized copying, make sure that your true information is included in your member profile; that will clear up any misunderstandings about ownership (should they arise.)

Alternately, you can contact a paid writing service, as they could provide you with a personal consultation.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Writing Feedback / Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure. [2]

Since you didn't include what kind of assistance you are seeking, I have just made some general comments.

First, make sure you are using linking verbs correctly so that your sentences are structurally sound. For instance, "I believe capital punishment is a heavy punishment..." Also, make sure you are placing proper spaces between punctuation and words. For instance, "...(massacre),when there..." should be "...(massacre), when there..."

Make sure that your subjects and verbs all agree; when you are speaking about a singular object make sure that it does a singular verb. For instance, "...his reactions has roots..." should be "...his reactions have roots..."

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; always write out the full forms of the words you are contracting.

Make sure you aren't using run-on sentences, such as the last sentence of the piece. Try reading the sentence out loud to see where you naturally stop or get winded; that is where a period should be.

You could benefit from a grammar refresher, which would help with much of this essay. There are many guides online, or if you can get a hold of a copy, The Little, Brown Compact Handbook by Jane E. Aaron would be a great tool for you that I think would help you out immensely. You might be able to check it out from a library, or you can find it for sale on Amazon.

This is a great book that covers everything from spelling and mechanics to clarity and style; any questions you have I'll guarantee you can find in this book. Another good one is The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers by Stephen Reid. It's much cheaper but you could also probably find this one at the library.

Best of luck!
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Essays / "Knowledge is a real power" - grammar check [2]

Good evening :)

"...and some still remain a part of my life. I value each of them whether they do me good or have just brought harm to me. They are part of my experiences that have helped me craft the knowledge that I have. My family, teachers, peers, and even my enemies were the people who contributed to crafting the knowledge that I now have."

You use the phrase "craft/crafting the knowledge" that you have many times; this is redundant, so try mixing up your word choice a bit so that you readers don't get bored.

I hope this helps!
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Writing Feedback / The Process of Unification - Satirical essay on Religion [6]

Good afternoon :)

I think you use satire successfully in this piece, especially since you relate it to politics and historical figures. This is commonly used in items of opinion such as political cartoons. It is entertaining, although I would remove the direct "naming" of Islam, as it not only ruins your insinuation/assumption pattern, but direct naming can interpreted as more offensive to some individuals.

I cannot really say whether it is appropriate for your prompt or not, as you did not include the requirements for the assignment here.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Undergraduate / My first FOGANA experience - to find an outlet that could help me understand my background [3]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, a few suggestions. First, when you use quotation marks such as you did in the second paragraph, make sure you are using the double (") quotation marks. Second: "...of the annual FOGANA competition to the South Asian dancing community."

In regards to content, the intro and conclusion work very well. The introduction does hook your audience, and the conclusion ties up the essay nicely. Overall it is organized well, with good transitions between each paragraph, giving it a nice flow. It is a good response to the prompt. Good job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 11, 2008
Writing Feedback / Changing My Lifestyle - check my expressions and grammar in this essay [2]

This seems a bit disorganized. Try grouping your thoughts together. For instance, when you talk about the food you eat here versus what you ate in Vietnam, talk about it all together in one section. Then move on to when you were sick before versus going to the doctor now; then move on to talk about the gym and exercise. Otherwise, it seems like you are repeating yourself when in fact you're just disorganized in your thoughts.
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Poetry / compare and contrast 2 poems: by Emily Dickenson & by Lisle Mueller [2]

Good evening :)

I suggest you begin with a rough outline. List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body.

In a compare/contrast essay, there is usually one comparison for every contrast. For instance, what is one thing both poems have in common? Think about themes, characters, names, melody, cadence, word usage, punctuation patterns. Then, what do they have that is different along the same lines. Even though both poems share the same topic (hope), do they discuss it in the same manner? Probably not; therefore, how is hope discussed or illustrated differently in the two pieces?

I hope this helps you get started.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Undergraduate / "An antisocial student" - Rutgers Admission Essay [4]

You're very welcome!

Oh, it's not so bad as that! If you can keep simple "rules" like these in mind when you're writing, you'll be fine. That's what we're here for! Keep up your hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Essays / Media Evaluation Argument Essay/ Masculinity [4]

That will work out just fine. Once you know specifically what you want to know about, that will make finding your outside sources much easier. Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Becoming a doctor' - Cornell University: College of Human Ecology [2]

Good evening :)

Please see my comments on your other essays in regards to mechanical corrections. Avoid using abbreviations and symbols in academic writing; always write out the word or words the symbol stands for.

In regards to content, what is the "21th world?"

The organization of this piece is good, both in regards to sentence structure and overall organization and flow. It seems to answer the prompt adequately.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Learned from family and Indian community' - UVA Supplement essay [2]

Good evening :)

Please see my comments in your previous posts in regards to mechanical corrections. Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; instead, try using "me," "I," or "one."

In regards to the content of this piece, I'm not really sure that your opening sentence is an appropriate fit for the rest of the essay. You claim that the world has shaped you, but continue on to discuss your family and close community. I suggest reworking the introductory sentence so that it is more appropriate for the rest of the work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Undergraduate / A work of science that has surprised me is the large Hadron Particle Collider. [2]

Good evening :)

Please refer to my comments on your other papers in regards to mechanical corrections. For this paper, make sure when you use quotation marks they are the double (") quotation marks and that the first word of the sentence contained in them is capitalized.

In regards to content for this piece, it is a great answer to the prompt. You tell what the item that has changed you, how, and why. Your intro and conclusion also tie up this piece nicely.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Undergraduate / Virginia Commonwealth University [2]

Good evening :)

Please see my comments on your other essays in regards to many mechanical errors. In this essay, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Pre-Medicine" shouldn't be capitalized. If the word is not a proper noun nor the first word of a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized.

In regards to content, I'm not really sure how it answers the prompt. You were asked to explain why you were considering this institution, and answered by discussing at length your literary favorites. I am not sure how this answers the question. Also, there is too much history in this piece; in all, it just isn't a very appropriate answer to the prompt.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Undergraduate / to be a family doctor - Florida State University [2]

"My actions have helped me develop morally because I used my physical strength to transport the residents that are in wheelchairs. I have also read the newspapers for the residents that have poor eyesight. For me, moral strength is also connected to mores because I have the strength to not break my tradition and lie. My intellectual strength is best exemplified in school. During school, I have the intellectual strength to obtain knowledge from teachers that I can later apply in my future profession to better help the community.This section is very disorganized; it seems like ideas you had and just put down; organize and place these individual sentences in areas that are more fitting. For instance, the sentence about breaking your tradition and lying shouldn't be in the paragraph about strength.

"Vires, Atres, Mores"If you are going to place this phrase in quotation marks here you need to do it for every instance of the words throughout the whole essay. are the guiding philosophyYou refer to these three characteristics (plural) and refer to them as "are" (again, plural) and then use the singular form of philosophy. Make sure all of your subjects agree; that is, they are all either singular or plural, not a mixture of both. of Florida State University, but they have also been the outline of my character. "Mores and Vires" are the two primarilyPrimarily what? concepts that are reflected in my life and it is my goal to never forget them."

Your content looks good; you answer the prompt completely with good examples. It needs a bit of work in regards to organization, but once it's been polished it will probably be a pretty good piece.
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Essays / Help with essay - why should we tolerate hateful speech [7]

Good evening :)

What are the benefits of being able to say what you want to say, to express yourself freely? Are not all people (morally) created equal, and each possess a right to an opinion and free thought? Is freedom moral? What makes one person's definition of "hate" more important and "all ruling" than another's thoughts? Who gets to define "hate?"

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Undergraduate / Discuss some issue of personal, local, or national concern& its importance [2]

Good evening :)

Since you didn't include what kind of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments about the piece.

Make sure you are appropriately using possessive apostrophes. For instance, "nations'" should be "nation's" as it is one singular nation that possesses the young people, not multiple nations.

"As I am a seventeen-year-old girl, there is significant media pressure on me to be painfully skinny. Bulimia and AnorexiaThis is not a proper noun, so it shouldn't be capitalized. ..."

I think your content is great. You do a great job explaining your position and support it with great examples. Your conclusion is very appropriate as well. Nice job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Writing Feedback / Public smoking bans---Persuasive essay [2]

Good evening :)

Since you did not describe what kind of assistance you were seeking, I have made a few general comments:

Although (Remove comma) smoking is a right, it is also an inconvenience to non-smokers exposed to the dangers and risks to their health and to the health of their children.

Recently, my family experienced this when we went to a Waffle House with my daughter, who was born three months premature and had to use oxygen.

They looked over, inquired about my daughter's oxygen, told me how beautiful she was and proceeded to light up.

They said if I knew there was smoking allowed in a certain establishment, then I shouldn'tAvoid contractions in formal academic writing. go in there. I was completely shocked at this. Was it not my right to be able to enjoy a meal in any restaurant I choose? "

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Book Reports / Character Sketches in the novel To Kill a Mockingbird [5]

Good evening :)

A character sketch is a piece of writing that introduces your reader to a character. Your aim is to show how the person talks, show their characteristics (quirks such as hair fidgeting, etc. that the character compulsively does throughout the piece often), how they do things, and important parts of their value systems. For instance, when you write a character sketch, you are trying to introduce the reader to someone. In regards to Atticus, a part of his value system is that he believes in equality for all, and this is shown by his representing a black man accused of a violent crime towards a white woman at a very tense time in history, and in the south. A visual description of him would describe how he looks, how he walks, how he talks, etc. The thing you want to avoid is ending up with a personal history of the character. The way you portray this character in this piece will influence the way your reader feels about this character in the future, and you need to keep that in mind when you are writing it.

I hope this helps you get started!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Writing Feedback / Prevention is better than therapy-Correct my mistakes in this brief article [3]

"Prevention is better than therapy nowadays. This issue has been proven to everyone that prevention has always been better than therapy. (How?) The biggest problem in the world of medical science has been the contagious HIVvirus, mostlyamong black people throughout the world.Where did you get this information? Where is the citation to support it?

M any infected people have been in a large number of various experiments by medical scientists. Where is your source for this information? People infected with what? What kinds of "various" medical experiments?I n spite of scientists' warnings about the dangerous consequences of not using condoms in sexual relations , some people seem to be defiant about the importance of using condoms and their vital roll in the prevention of the HIV virus. "
EF_Team5   
Nov 10, 2008
Undergraduate / most meaningful piece of advice you have ever received? [3]

Good evening :)

With such a restrictive word count, you really have to "get to the point." This piece doesn't get to the point until the very last paragraph, the next to last sentence. I suggest using this last paragraph as your introduction and then follow it up by a short explanation of how it has helped you "accomplish all that" you "dream and so much more." The story you tell is a touching one, but it does distract from your point and the prompt. With a little re-working this can be a great piece.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

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