Undergraduate / I was enrolled in cyber school; STUDY IN JAPAN/ Adaptive person [3]


... need to improve its presentation;
I used to travel around the world with my family from a young age.


... "me and my" gets repeated too often.
Although it was a great opportunity, it also used to disturb my studies a lot.


....nor would my parents leave me alone at home for such long periods.



.... hey this line is too long. It would read better if you shorten it

Essays / Gender, Inclusivity & Ethnicity - Stereotyping [3]


.... I dont get your idea here. As Ahmad expressed already, this confuses the reader to understand what you really need from us. Certain parts here does not follow the essay structure, so that it is difficult to comment. Better provide us with some detailed description about this writing


Stereotype is harmful when people ignore differences between individuals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Why do people work? Reasons/ Examples [4]

Hi Norza,
First, just two things about forum rules; You need to have a meaningful essay topic (which you type under subject when you open a new thread) and you should post IELTS essays under "Writing Feedback" forum.


... Let's interchange these ideas and see;
Money is very important in everybody's life and in most of the cases it determines whether we are happy or not. Therefore, the primary reason for work is money. However, I do not think it should be the one and only one reason for one to be employed.


.... very good :)


Change the presentation of this a little bit;
This essay is focused on discussing some other reasons that promote people to work

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: If you were an employer, which kind of worker would you prefer to hire? [3]

Hi
One request for you ; post your TOEFL essays under " Writing Feedback" category :)


... this sentence sounds incomplete. No clear idea is expressed here :(
In today's job market, the demand for employment varies according to their experience. Some companies demand for inexperienced workers because they can be hired at a lower salary scale. However, some other companies who are more concerned about having a higher productivity, prefer to employ experienced workers.


... good... you express your opinion direct and clear :)


... this sentence is too long and hence disturbs your flow. Avoid long sentences because you tend to get carried away as you keep on writing. Improve clarity with shorter sentences.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL WRITING: Why going to university or college [5]


... this sounds too vague. You need to specify though very briefly it should be. .... or else at least say;
there are several reasons for this trend; ... this makes sense to the reader :)


First, people attend universities acquire specialized knowledge in their respective discipline in a more systematic way.
Actually, specialization is the primary focus of tertiary education. Why don't a person who want to be a certain professional, just stop with high school education? Because the knowledge he has already acquired is too general. He needs that specialized knowledge and you better mention about this here.

Undergraduate / I realize the importance of education; "Why I Want to Go To College" [2]


Even from a young age I always realized the importance of education and valued it very high. I knew that education is the only path for me to reach my future dreams. (if you come from a family background with limited means you can connect that aspect also to this; Coming from a family with limited means, I knew that education is the only opening for me to reach my future dreams )


Also I know that college is the best choice that opens the doors for one to receive a quality education.


This is why I am so keen on college education and determined to excel in my academic studies there to make sure I complete my studies with excellent academic credentials. Not only that, I also view college as the best grounds for network opportunities and learning valuable social skills for the future.

Scholarship / Social Media's Impact: Personally and on the Future Generation. Scholarship Essay. [2]


This alone shows the impact of social media on today's generation, especially the one that I belong.


advent of my significant usage - does not read well :(
Before I became acquainted with online social forums, I did not really pay much attention to network or socialize with other people, especially making friends at school or in the neighborhood. .... are you an introvert character? If so you better start this line with saying;

Being an introvert by nature, I really did not pay much attention to network or socialize with other people until I got acquainted with online social forums.

Writing Feedback / Many cities have become less pleasant place to live/ Problem & my suggestions [2]


... this sentence sounds meaningless... what do you really mean? Your idea is not conveyed properly


.... These sentence do not have any link between them and look too independent. Your essay needs to have a good flow of ideas. They need to flow through well through logical sequence. This is what I suggest for your introduction;

A lot of people live in cities because cities are capable of offering them many opportunities. However, this reason has made cities a much congested places with large populations that they cannot really accommodate. Therefore, I agree that the cities have become less pleasant places to live today. ... Here I maintain a connection between each line with the other. It's important in an essay .

Scholarship / "We know why we're here" ; Goals/ Scholarship [2]


Obtaining excellent academic credentials as well as gaining hands on experience through internships are my current priorities.


I am keen on joining student programs at NASA and Boeing, the places where I dream of working one day.


... you mentioned that you are already in the program. So, the degree part sounds a bit awkward.

Essays / Need ideas how to write an essay [4]

Hi Zulma,

Well.... you need to first pick up one of these topics and give some thought about it. Generally, an essay should contain an introduction, body paras and then a conclusion.So, in the introduction, you introduce the topic very briefly to the reader. In the body paras you expand on the points one by one. Finally you conclude the essay (conclusion) by summing up everything you said above. Let's take "my self". In the introductory para, you need to introduce yourself very briefly. Tell the reader about your primary background information such as name, age, what you do etc.

Then move on to the first body para and there you can talk in length about your interests. In the next body para you can talk about your character and in the next one about your studies or extra curricular activities and so on. You better do a draft and post here. We can help you with that!

Remember, you can never improve your writing without practice. Also, you need to give lots of thoughts for what you gonna write.

Undergraduate / Explore opportunities; Why Industrial Engineering at U OF T [5]

Hi Maria,

I guess your prompt needs to know why you are attracted towards their uni. Also you need to talk about your skills developed through your extracurricular activities that would help your future goals. So, I feel you have not given enough prominence to what they really require. What you've written sounds more like statements that are not backed by enough evidence. First pick some features of the uni and tell them how they are going to be helpful for your future goals and aspirations. Talk about your skills through the experiences that you gained from such extracurricular activities. Everything you say, should be based on facts and should sound more convincing.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: (Dis/Agree) Establish a research center for agriculture in your country or not [2]

Good introduction. Only this line, I find needing a bit of improvement;


... you have repetitions there; idea and some words too.... Try to present your ideas in a more simple, yet interesting way.


... you repeat "my country" ... use a different synonym.
Overall a good essay. Good structure, ideas, vocabulary ... Good Luck!

Scholarship / "Essence of economic and religious liberties in America" - Scholarship Prompt [4]


... I wish you changed the presentation;
The economic and religious freedom of Americans stems from the the United States's supportive stand on citizen individualism.


It is because of this individualism that the USA has a more free market economy.


... this sounds confusing.... Better re-phrase

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 "Are drug companies obliged to sponsor poor countries to reduce death rates" [3]


.... Very impressive start :)


.... when you say mulit-drug, it means multiple drugs and it does not refer to multinational companies who are engaged in pharmaceutic businesses. So you better use the term "multinational drug companies" .

It's a very good introduction. You introduce your topic well and briefly give us the sense of your reasons as to why you hold such an opinion. Good job!

I feel you better follow the essay format here. Have everything in one para.
Very good essay and you would surely go for a very good band :)
I wish you become a contributor. Please let us know if you are interested :)

Writing Feedback / Media has a significant influence on our lives; IELTS [4]


... this is your opening sentence and you should deliver it with a better punch!


... this is also a bit confusing. Try to improve clarity of your sentences and ideas.


... you gain knowledge/ learn facts


First, the news and information that media provide the public with help people make right decisions.

Writing Feedback / "The Importance of Others in Understanding Ourselves"; essay written from SAT prompt [3]


.... I feel "or" sounds better :)


We always tend to believe that we are faultless, but we need to be honest with ourselves.


... this is an incomplete sentence... enlighten what? who?
You have very good points ... You have potential to further improve its presentation :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- My opinion on having children engaged in paid work [4]


... pay attention to this grammar correction!


Some sections of society say that it is wrong while others believe it is good to have children employed in paid work.


You cannot say it is completely right or wrong to have children engaged in paid work.
You need to pay lots of attention to grammar!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: We will face a beautiful and peaceful life if we treated each other politely [2]


.... good start :)
There is a saying in Arabic, "Good manners mean everything about people. If they are not well mannered there is use of themselves".



Tell what this uncontrollable growth has caused; For example, severe competition, selfishness etc.


... you dont have to tell the later part. It sounds better without it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: These days many students are doing a part time job. [4]


.... it's a trend rather than an approach.


.... this is not a strong argument.... you need to tell them a more convincing reason for them to claim so.... such as part time job may distract the student's focus on studies or put student in trouble with managing his time or student may loose his interest in his studies etc.etc.

Also you need to support your reasons with good specific examples.

Undergraduate / Stay Active Leadership Experience- College Essay for OU [2]

First, it would have been much better if you posted your prompt also with the essay. We could then provide you with more relevant comments.


Well... all this is true, but the point is that whether they contribute for your essay. If this is for a college application and they want you to demonstrate your leadership qualities then you need to talk about your experiences that well demonstrate such leadership qualities. You should avoid making statements as much as possible and try to convince them through facts, ideally your experiences.

Writing Feedback / I prefer to study in group than studying individually because of perfect atmosphere. [5]


... Studying is not limited to taking up exams. So I guess you should avoid that part.
Students have their own methods of studying.



... when you say "in my belief", then you need to specify your belief like;
However, in my belief, I think that studying in a group is better for several reasons.
Or without the " in my belief" part it sounds fine. :)


.... in fact you mostly tend to get distracted.
Since your opinion is in favor of group studies and you mention that there are several reason for that view, you need to talk about those reasons in the body para in favor of group studies. Your first body para is illustrating the opposite side of the argument and it would not help you at the exam. Stick to your opinion and support that side of the argument.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Technology and traditions are incompatible [4]


This whole para sounds out of topic. You need to align your writing with the topic which talks about technological development results in loosing cultural significance. And your argument is both are necessary and should be in harmony. So, give a reason as to why you believe so. And then support with a specific example. In this case you can talk about celebrating those cultural festivals with the help of technology.


.... here your idea is not very clear. This is my suggestion;
On the other hand, certain technological advancements have brought in several changes to our life-styles and made us less responsive to cultural and societal needs.


For example, nowadays people manage their relationships mostly online, such as exchanging e-mails or interacting through online social forums, without meeting or interacting with others physically.

Writing Feedback / Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to exchange of information [9]

Well.... you can use both and both are correct. The only explanation I can give is that in general reference you use the word "technology" and when you want to be specific, you use "technologies". Naturally technology is the singular word and technologies is the plural :D

Examples;
The difference between then and now is modern technology... general reference
Modern technologies have changed our lives... here, you are more specific
Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / "Your son is now in academic probation"/ Goals - Influence from Hispanic Heritage [3]


.... why you used the word "interrogate" here? He was talking to your mom, and she is the person whom he should interrogated. I suggest you to use a different word because I feel it is a bit odd there;

"Your son is now in academic probation," said Orlando, my middle school's psychologist to my helpless mom.


" Carlos graduated six months ago, and he is still unemployed", I said. Just like my friend Carlos, there were many qualified youth struggling to find employment in Colombia due to country's severe economic recession.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Travel enhances a healthy communication and outweigh any misunderstandings [5]


... I feel this addition makes sense :)


.... good sentence


..."history of travel" does not convey your idea properly. This is my suggestion;
However, the history has proved that there can be chances for unpleasant situations and tragedies to happen when different communities meet and clash.


...

Writing Feedback / Businesses need to give more opportunities to diverse workers [4]


... hey.... staff and stuff have very different meanings ...lol


To begin with, a corporation that is profit oriented and keen on staying competitive needs innovative ideas that help it increase sales and competitiveness.
Mention that you need contemporary knowledge and skills for this purpose and that's why you need to employ new staff with those skills.
Good essay! You display very good writing skills!

Undergraduate / I will grow, learn, and become successful; Transfer- Why Connecticut College? [3]

Well.... I understand you are straight to the point. But, be careful they might find this not very interesting


I think this is a good hint by Didgeridoo... My strong feeling is that you better put these points in an essay format with more creativity. I did the same mistake once with one of my applications and it was not well received. But the next time I did the same stuff, but in a more formal essay format I got a call from them :)

These are great points and you still have time :)
Also, wish you good luck with application !

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Why people go to college? Reasons and examples [13]

Nowadays, more and more people are keen on receiving higher education that involves spending money and time. However, people still opt to take up those challenges and enter into a good college or university because they believe it is worthy for different reasons. In my view, the most important reason among them is that obtaining necessary credentials and skills for a prospective future career that would ensure a quality life and recognition in society.

It looks like your essay is pretty short. There is a minimum requirement for the number of words and make sure you meet it.

Writing Feedback / Who enjoy life more? Young or Old? [6]


... .... Okkkkk... I think it's better to open a fresh thread under "Forum faq, Help" because this thread belongs to someone else and he would expect comments for his or her thread. So it's kind of unfair when you use someone elses threads; However you can post this in your own thread and I would surely answer your question at my best :)

Writing Feedback / When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat? [4]


.... future is not yet born.
the future would always be a kind of threat



Our ansesters were worried about meeting basic requirements.


Today, the teenagers are worried about committing themselves to a life long partner, hence they are scared to get married.

Undergraduate / I spent four years working with John Smth ;Boulder/Influential people in my life. [5]


I think John deserves a better introduction because he's someone who influenced your life in a certain way. This is too abrupt :(
Also, you need to finish one set of ideas before coming to tell something new. In this essay, I don't find a smooth flow.... You need to improve its presentation. My suggestion is to provide a good introduction about John; his strengths and skills and why you got attracted to him.

Writing Feedback / Who enjoy life more? Young or Old? [6]


... here your grammar is wrong;
I am not agreeable / I am not agreeing / I don't agree


in my view, both young people and older people have their own ways of entertaining and enjoying life
You need to pay attention to grammar a lot. Also, my advice is for you is to follow the four para structure;
Introduction - Introduce your topic + state your opinion
First body para - First reason as to why you have such opinion + specific example to support that reason
Second body para - Second reason + second example
Conclusion - Sum up everything you said above

Writing Feedback / Encouraging students to take part in more unpaid community services is always an excellent idea [4]


.... Looks like you should improve its clarity more;
First, there are many social skills that students need to acquire to become successful in adult life. This type of voluntary activities create many valuable opportunities for a student to learn such social skills.


Here you are talking the opposite to your previous idea. Rather than talking about the opposite, it is better to support first idea with specific reason.

Example;
Team work, communication skills, time management skills are a few to name such skills. Suppose you volunteer for community service at your village. Then you have to work with a set of fellow volunteers and try to achieve a common goal. This naturally teaches you the value of team spirit.

Writing Feedback / The 20th century has given us inventions that have changed our lives in many ways. [5]


The inventions of the 20th century, be them in medicine, engineering, commerce, art or any other important field, they have transformed our life-styles into more comfortable, efficient and convenient ones in contrast to what they had been earlier.


... well ... I think you better highlight the overshadowing case here. That's the main theme of your topic.

Writing Feedback / Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to exchange of information [9]


Some people believe that modern technology benefits the lives of people in every respect while others argue that it has brought in very negative effects to human society.


... this is not presented clearly; sounds confusing with contradictory ideas : ( ... you need to rephrase this line;
In my personal view, I think modern technology has both positive and negative effects.


.... this sentence is too very long... that distracts you and disturbs your flow.

Writing Feedback / Aim High; Soar High / Essay for writing competition [8]


You can cite some example of a well known personality who aimed high and then reached his or her goal. That would make your essay more interesting and convincing. Remember to highlight the points you talked about through this example. I feel you better do a little bit of research of this personality and pick up interesting things about this person to include in your essay.

Hope to see your revised version :)

Essays / The fight to save the forest from Deforestation Persuasive Paper [2]


Deforestation affects every single life on earth and at the rate it is happening today, there is a great potential danger that everything we have would soon be destroyed.


.... this is really scary :(



... This line should have come after,


You need to give all the data and statistics of one idea in one go and then move to another idea. Otherwise, your writing would be messy .

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, topic: Students from rural areas should get a subsidized university educ [3]


In this essay, I attempt to discuss both advantages and disadvantages of the proposal in hope of evaluating them in order to form my opinion on it.


.... the main idea here is that the rural areas would be benefited by having their own educated and skilled people who would contribute towards their development when such subsidies are offered by governments. So, this would gear up governments' plans for developing rural areas.

Research Papers / Position Paper;"The promotion of international cooperation to solve drug problem" [4]




....or crack down the network of drug trafficking ?


.... the word "as" getting repeated;
Being the world's largest drug-consuming country, the United State established the first Drug court in Miami-Dade County, Florida in 1989, in response to the growing crack-cocaine issue that was plaguing the city.

Writing Feedback / Aim High; Soar High / Essay for writing competition [8]


Human mind is very powerful and if it is properly disciplined, trained and motivated, it can drive a person to reach the heights he or she wants.


Therefore it is very important that we should think positive, be visionary, aim high and commit ourselves to pursuing our goals.


We need to craft a workable and achievable action plan that drive us towards our vision. Along the process, we should periodically review our progress and bring in adjustments to the action plan to align it with the final goal.