Undergraduate / Personal story about Dancing and asthma for the Common Application Main essay! [3]

Let's switch these:
I was born with incurable contradictions---asthma and a fanatical addiction to dancing.

painting, dancing, declaiming short poems, etc. till the doctor discovered the exacerbation of my asthma and then reprimanded me to give up those "illusive meaningless hobbies" and leave time for recovery--- This is hard to make sense of. How can an asthma diagnosis contraindicate painting and writing poems?

This essay has a great theme, but I wish you would spend a little more time at the end to tell about it. What is the moral of the story?

:-)

Undergraduate / "From Mexico to Los Angeles" - Where I come from UC Prompt #1 [4]

Here is a difficult sentence I would change:
So far it has been a long nine-year journey as I faced a new school and a new language back in second grade, then went back to Mexico for ninth grade to learn more about my culture, and finally reentering American school in tenth grade.

And, one more idea for you: Not only did I improve my Spanish and have a great time, but I also got had a chance to reflect upon my life so far.

:-)

Undergraduate / "familiarity with people from different areas"- Shorten and Critique my Rutgers essay [2]


Here is a place where the passive voice makes it less strong than it could be:
I spent the first eleven years of my life in Clifton, New Jersey.


Here, I think you are trying to say "characterized" instead of resembled. Does that seem right?

This essay has a very general theme of diversity, but it has to much story and not enough meaningfulness. You explain how your world has given you perspective through experiences of lots of people, but I think it can be better if it is about a more specific theme -- maybe something that relates to your intentions for how you will spend the next few years. (i.e. what you contribute is part of what you are studying and the goals you are trying to achieve as a student.)

See, it's too general when you say, "but I will also be developing my education further." You have to tell us about your agenda. :-)

Undergraduate / "Physics of Taekwondo" & "Thailand" UIUC Essays [3]

How about changing "you" to "others." It is sort of offensive to make assumptions about the reader. Not really offensive, but you know what I mean. It's just a good idea to not speculate about the reader.

I like the idea behind that essay, though, for sure. Let's take out "first hand," though, because it is really unnecessary/unhelpful.

The second essay has great, eloquent sentences, but I challenge you to find the sentence that contains the main message of the essay, and more it to the end of that (very short) first paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "interested in many subjects" - Why Stanford -- 2 draft ideas and help me choose [3]

I think you should get rid of the second paragraph of the second essay and replace it with a condensed version of the first essay.

The part of the first essay I think you should include is this last part:
Coming to my aid is a college guide book, Choosing the Right College. Two review comments on Stanford, one positive and one negative, convinced ...effectively and quickly. I definitely would like to develop my interest before I need to decide on my major in college.

If you do this, I like the way it will start and end with the park. It's just such good writing.

But then... it will probably be too long. And it usually is not good to make someone follow you through your journey of internal dialogue when they have a lot of essays to read. Even though I like the essay that would result if you did what I described above, the best thing to do is probably this...Begin like this:

Begin with a discussion of your ACTUAL intentions and interests -- your plan (even if it is a tentative one). Then, proceed to this: Coming to my aid is a college guide book, Choosing the Right College. Two review comments on Stanford, one positive and one negative, convinced me that... developing a person's interests effectively and quickly.

I definitely would like to develop my interest before I need to decide on my major in college. This is strictly my opinion, but I think it is better to declare a major so that they see how decisive you are and how you probably have been contemplating the future for a long time... and then just change your major any time you want.

Undergraduate / "the ideal foundation to build my interests" (science, history)- Why Georgetown Essay [4]


This is my favorite question, because it challenges kids to make a plan.

One word: alongside

It was peculiar to think that not so long ago, sectional differences made the very spot I sat on a boiling pot of war.--- This first paragraph does not seem to read like a history lesson. It draws me right into the scene.

It was a symbol of reunification, one in which that I truly appreciate.

It is a history ----I think you should not repeat this phrase, but instead vary your sentences.

You write very well! Let's just make an adjustment with the BODY paragraphs and the INTRO&CONCLUSION. I think you should lengthen the conclusion, and also add a sentence to the end of the intro so, and in both of these places make it so that you plant an idea in the reader's mind that will be the main message of the essay.

You can take unnecessary details out of the body paragraphs to make room for these important "message" sentences in the intro and conclusion.

:-)
With a history of predominant division followed by struggling unity, I feel as though Georgetown would be the ideal foundation in which to build my interests.

Undergraduate / Significant Risk ('easier decision') & Book that changed you "One Heartbeat Away" [4]

Every decision we make carries with it some degree of risk: Some risks have instantaneous effects, while others have consequences th at may take time to fully present themselves.

I assured myself that I had made the right decision. by going to Cardozo.
As I filled out the application for high school, I juggled my thoughts around, still trying to find reasons to justify my decision to go to a non-specialized high school when I had an opportunity to challenge myself : Wouldn't going to

I handed in my application the next day, confident about my decision.

I am neither a devoutly religious person, nor an atheist. I've read this book called "One Heartbeat Away", by Mark Cahill, and he talks about how the universe was created, and how it was impossible for the universe to be created by chance.

Say you were able to shake it for five billion years; would you then have a functioning watch? There is no possible way for that to happen."--- Well, natural selection is the mechanism for evolution, and it is like a shaking process that can bring about some very complex things, like the eye and the wing, etc. I think the better argument AGAINST the universe being created by chance is that there is no way the raw material for the universe could appear out of nothingness.

...the Big Bang theory cannot and does not provide any explanation for the catalyst of the event---- or for where the raw materials came from.

Comma: They will wonder, and some will rely on religion for the answer, while others will trust science. Neither approach can be clear-cut nor or exact, and neither can be proven answer all the questions.

:-) Nice! I like the second one a lot.

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]


haha, nice. Parts of speech are people too!

During my senior year I accomplished the ...

Whether I succeed in a challenge, such as connecting with the horse I ride, or fail, such as transforming my nonathletic self into a pole vaulter, I always win insight. ---- this sentence is complicated in a way that disrupts the reader's experience. Can you simplify it?

The second paragraph does a great job of carrying the reader along from one idea to the next... very good stuff...

And one more idea for you:
... to this school and department the enthusiasm developed during my years of ________ (Got a better word than interest?).

:-)

This seems much better to me! What do you think?

Undergraduate / "He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life" [3]

I'm going to take out the word "but" and use a semi-colon:
It was not enough to just design the laptop; I also wanted to take the risk of sending it to a major company, HP. --- "Take the risk of" does not really work here. What did you risk? If you specify the risk, it might be better:

"taking the risk of having to experience rejection, I sent it to..."

Your theme is great. It proves something about your insight.

Scholarship / "to teach art in the elementary school" - Narrative of Art Ed. [4]


Well I see that the responses you give other people are only a sentence or two long. One good strategy is to give other people substantial feedback and then link them to your essay, asking them to return the favor.

Your first paragraph is intriguing!! The description is very clever.
The old barn began to slowly reveal itself through the trees. I thought to myself, "We've never been here before." ---do you see where I added a comma?

Now, i don't know if I like this as the end of the first paragraph. It makes me think, "So what if they have never been their?" I think another sentence should be added to that intro.

every orifice of my clinched fists.--- I don't know... don't know about the word orifice here. An orifice is eye, nostril, ear, mouth, etc.

One last idea:
---that occurred through for each child I was involved with.

:-)

Undergraduate / Prioritizing income, rather than fondness for a job. UT topic B [2]

Seems like you need a boldly unorthodox sentence added to the end of that first paragraph. Surprise the reader with an unexpected thesis statement.

Actually, the thesis statement needs to clearly specify an issue. It has to be something you can name. Right now it is "the question of whether to seek a high paying job or one you love." Seems like you might have reused an essay you wrote for a previous assignment.

But anyway, the issue is not clearly specified.

Through my observations, I have come to the conclusion that money is indeed one of the major factors in determining an individual's happiness. --- you could say this in 1/2 the number of words.

Your vocabulary is fine; it is impressive. The essay is interesting because it is about something that is an important subject to everyone.

visual arts field, commonly associated with unstable, low-income jobs. But instead, I opted for my second choice, nursing, as it is a reliable source of income---I think this is a good route to go! Nursing gives you a lot of options about what kind of environment you will work in and what kind of specialization you will have. And you really can do a great online business with visual art... web design, photoshop, making tee shirts, making business cards, e-book covers...

:-)

Research Papers / a health issue appropriate to child bearing and rearming family - scholarly paper [2]


Sounds dangerous!

Parenting a child with cerebral parsy can cause stress and challenges to the family.
No, it is not good, because it is too obvious.

It is supposed to be "arguable." Google this: arguable thesis.

Can you think of a thesis statement that is about YOUR opinion that you formed after reading about the subject or experiencing it?
Try to think of one that some people would agree with but other people might not agree with.

Undergraduate / "Biotechnology is certainly a growing field in this modern age" - Cornell [3]


You have only 300 words to use, so do not waste any with statements of the obvious. Even if they allowed three million words, you still should not state the obvious. An introduction should prove to the reader that this is going to be about a unique idea, worth reading.

I think you can do better than this... it is all too obvious. I want you to research what people who studied biotech are actually doing in their careers. What are the names of some organizations that employ them? What specific projects have you recently read about?

Your essay might be the best one they see all day, but I still think it can be better if you cite some current research and refer to specific private or government organizations that need biotechnologists.

**I just found some great stuff by googling: biotechnology career

Undergraduate / "I left Jamaica to America with my mother and father" - mother's influence essay [5]

At the young age of seven years old I left my native country of Jamaica for a distant and foreign place we all know of as America.

Put this together as one sentence: Many may perceive this as being a major positive change in a child's life due to Jamaica being a developing country with insufficient health and educational resources.

(If you start a new sentence with "Due to..." it will be an incomplete sentence.)

Only use while if you are connecting it to the previous sentence:
While On the other hand, America is a well developed and prosperous nation, with an infinite amount of opportunities.

If you use this form of a sentence, keep it simple:
Throughout my life she has been not only my teacher, but also my role model and friend.

As long as I live I will always respect the influence that she has had on my life. --- Very nice ending. Well, now that you are taking your college education you are going to be able to return the favor. Just as she spent much of her adult life facilitating your success, you can get a great job and invest some time and money into helping her to do what she has aalways wanted to do. What has she wanted to do but been unable to do?

:-)

Undergraduate / "my first half iron-man triathlon" - common application short essay [3]

It has involved waking up at 4 A.M and heading to races, sacrificing Friday nights in order to rest, or spending my Sunday mornings in a lake.

To me, This is my way to build strength both physically and mentally.

This tells us about its significance, but can you add a detail that makes us feel like it is really important that you get to enter your chosen degree program? Mention your current plan, because surely your current plan also reflects the drive toward self-mastery that compels you to train for the triathlon.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Innovation and technology" report on advertisement essay [2]

number agree =ment:
Innovation and technology; these are the cornerstones of our modern...

...with the associated attributes of discipline, determination, and the ability to work hard. --- hard-working was an adjective, to it did not fit on the list.

appealing to our desire to produce good qualitative work and that by using their HD camera on their device, you will help us somehow produce qualitative high-quality videos like movie director.

Alright, this is pretty good! I have a slightly different understanding of pathos... emotional appeal... I don't think you have a very good example of pathos. You are saying "Ready, Action!" appeals to our desire to have high quality?

I think a better example of pathos would be if they said, "Please but an iPod! We need the money!"

:-)

Scholarship / "Academic Goals,Career Aspirations"-Tuition Scholarship for U of Maine [2]


The solution for this problem is always to do some web research and get more specific in your mind about what you want to do.

My parents have never been to college. ---- why begin by saying this?
Oh.. as I continue to read, I understand why. Well, I think you can express the idea of the first paragraph in ONE sentence. I think you should have one great sentence about their sacrifice and combine it with this:

I intend to accomplish their dream of seeing their daughter going attending college.
Express it all in one or maybe two sentences. Do not let it take up the whole introduction, and do not end the first para with a sentence about actualizing their dream.

End the first paragraph with YOUR specific plan. You might have to make one right now. Establish 5 goals for yourself for the next 4 years, and make sure they are goals that will benefit you in your chosen career. Is there a common theme for all your goals? Whatever it is, express it at the end of your first paragraph. :-)

Paragraph 2 is just all vague description of yourself. I think you should get rid of it and make more room to focus on your specific intentions.

In your first and last paragraphs, discuss the areas of specialization that interest you, and maybe even your philosophy of medicine. Google around, and get specific. Give definition to this by adding detail about your plans. A person with detailed plans is a person who is really going to do it.

Undergraduate / "Efficient water management in the world" - global issue, georgetown sfs esssay [2]

The efficient management of water supplies will be increasingly important for nations that wish to maintain stable economies and governments. --- good sentence! But I changed one word.

I'll fix this run on sentence:
I believe that no private company should completely control a water supply, because water is not a commodity. It is a n essential resource. Instead of encouraging privatization the World Bank and IMF should supply loans to help improve water infrastructure.

And the last sentence of the essay is incomplete: If the government is in charge of water management there should be a promotion of efficiency -- or perhaps a set of international standards on water management that guarantees access to all and provides for efficient management.

I fixed it with a dash.

You should "refute the counterargument," (google that if necessary).

Grammar, Usage / poorer or more poor [8]


I agree. If I saw "more poor" it would seem wrong.

I wrote the essay poorly.

Clearer is another one like this... I thought I was supposed to write "more clear" but it is supposed to be CLEARER!! So...

I wrote the sentence in a clearer way.

I wrote the sentence poorly, but my friend wrote it even poorlier more poorly.
Ha ha... about "more poorly," I think it is correct but ugly.

Poorlier would be great, but I would be lying if I said it was a real word...

Undergraduate / "I want to simply help others - a government major" - Cornell CAS Essay [5]


That's what I did, and I ended up making all my mistakes in my early 20s. Don't make mistakes! Enjoy your work, and make sure you have a way to have fun, too!

to help people.--- well, this is powerful because it is so all-encompassing, but it is also very vague. You could add a small detail to make it more memorable. Be just a little more specific, and it will be better, I think.

I had been looking for change everywhere when I realized that it had to come from me all along. --- This is a good part of the essay.

The last paragraph should be rewritten. I see that you write very well, so I don't want to make any suggestions... but.. "start the evolution" is not the right way to use the word evolution, and... the sentence is too long... just rewrite that part! :-)

I think you should rewrite the intro and conclusion so that they express a specific desire to help specific people in a specific way. Let the theme be based on the ideas represented in the body of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Smog: causes and solutions [5]

Simplify:
Smog is a type of air pollution which can cover the air of an area, causing a lot of problems and stress for people. What are the important causes and solutions for smog?

---Oh!! Ha ha, I was correcting the wrong thing.

Smog is caused by many factors. ---- this is a boring sentence to begin the essay with! Can you make it more meaningful?

The fir st cause is the gas

The second ca use is ...

open burning of (What is this? Is a word missing?)

I'll add a comma here:
There are more solutions that we can propose, but these are the most important ones.

This essay has great "structure!"

Undergraduate / Theater, LEAVING MYSELF BEHIND: CommonApp Short Answer, Extracurricular Activity [5]

Theater has shown me how a whisper can be ...

Not much room for improvement, because it is written so well! But I'll tell you some ideas that came to mind for me:
...to see perceive the world as they perceive do; to cherish the parts that constitute a whole; and that to be right someone else doesn't have to be wrong. It has demonstrated both the power of a cohesive team and the value of preserving individuality in a team .

Writing Feedback / Chinese Music, Language and Literature [4]

I would like to simplify this part:
I cannot say for sure, but I think rhythms of the piece did the most part in having an had the greatest impact on my mind -- even more impact than the composition's name.----- does it seem okay this way?

Past tense:
The rhythm is smooth when Yao villagers began their festival and dancing performance of beautiful girls. The pace of melodies becomes became faster and tougher when more and more people participated in the performance, and some men began their flirting to those nice girls.

In my opinion, I can achieve the best value in my education if I cultivate appr eciation for music.

:-)

Undergraduate / "architecture consumed each of my academic interests" - Supplement Essay for Cornell [3]

I would want to trim away some of this:
To be frank, Gothic architecture never impressed me much. It s flowery displays of sophistication and meticulous ...--- I have a rule:
"Simpler is powerfuller!" :-P especially when you are criticizing something as pretentious. And to be clear, powerfuller is not a real word.

While style is transitory, form is everlasting, and it is timeless.-----I know some Buddhists who would disagree! :-)

I can't criticize the essay; it is too good! The paragraphs all work to convince me of your seriousness. And this..."It's easy to create art in architecture when the walls are your canvas, more difficult when the ground is your canvas and the walls, your paint."

regarding my opinions on architecture, though i am not entirely sure where to put it---I don't understand what it means! I hope it is not obvious, or I will be embarrassed, haha...

Undergraduate / Calculator Havoc -- Caltech Humor Essay [3]

Oh, an essay about theft and sabotage, very nice... :-)

Use an apostrophe:
friend's

You wrote it in the present tense, so keep this in the present tense:
Only after using the calculator for a few minutes has does he realize that it has been tampered with: the numbers are all greater than they should be.

...and we all both had a good laugh in the end.

This is great! Very funny. If I was smarter, I would play pranks like that, but I don't know anything about programming so I have to use old fashioned pranks, such as plastic film under the toilet seat.

Undergraduate / Developing Runner's Mindset -- Common App Essay for Stanford [5]

This is looking good. I guess I think you should eliminate the sentence fragment by putting this with paragraph one... as part of the same sentence, after a dash:

in track because running helped me stay in shape -- or so I tried to tell myself.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Judging a person is not an easy task because the human nature is so complicated [4]

This needs a comma:
To begin with, the external appearance does not reveal one's exact character and personality, although it may sometimes provide a vague idea about them.

However, he finally got caught by the police and only then did the entire neighborhood becom e aware of his real character.

Therefore such judgments should be made very carefully, and they require a better understanding of the person's character.

unfair to that person.

Undergraduate / "Trip from China to LA" - Extracurricular Essay for UIUC [4]

But he just asked, "Did you forget the meaning of your name?" I was embarrassed.
Look at the small changes I made above. Capitalization and comma. Try writing a sentence the same way.
Like this:
But I asked her, "Why do you have such a big nose?" She was embarrassed.

In Wal-Mart, I delight found the food delightful. A k ind of semi-processed food, containing with potato mash and chicken drums, fitted my appetite.

Make the body of the essay shorter, and make the conclusion longer. Make it so that there are fewer details and more reflection. Also, add some discussion about your future.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Adverbs are the worst - too many adverbs spoil the soup [9]

Ha ha, well, keep in mind that an essay about the terribleness of adverbs would be one with an "arguable thesis statement." That means not everybody would agree. Some very interestingly enthusiastic people would quickly and decisively disagree and say adverbs are in fact just as undeniably valid as any other part of speech.

And I would say, "Yes, but they clutter up out sentences!" Adverbs and adjectives are like empty calories.

*translation of bad sentence: Some people would disagree and say adverbs are as valid as any other part of speech. See how much nicer that is to read?? :-)

Undergraduate / "College search as a special interest, experience" - TULANE UNIVERSITY ESSAY [5]

A special experience that has had a significant influence on me is this: the college search.

I think they can figure it out without you spoonfeeding to them the idea that the college search is the topic of the essay.

By applying to prestigious universities and digging up information about my past, I have learned...I think you should add some sentences about the context of this college search... the overarching plan that includes the college search, the studies, and the professional work you intend to do.

:-)

Undergraduate / Athlete, volleyball Short Answer - Common App Experience/Extracurricular [3]

Consider changing that or to an and.
... plays, rotations, and even footwork!

This is an important correction: It took less than a year after I had began to realize that taking advantage ...

After less than a year, I began to realize that taking advantage of a new opportunity was the best decision I had made in my life. Not only had I learned what hard ...

I am not sure what the end means: peak at the perfect time. Is there a better way to express the idea?
:-)

Undergraduate / Emotional essay vs. Light hearted essay! [7]


But, or though, but not both!

I had promised him that I would carry my own toys.

Deep in thought like an old man,----cool

Father took my hand; his other arm carried our luggage.

Why did the mouse always win in Tom and Jerry?

Cool...The vestige of the evening storm moistened the October air.---good one...

commas, capitalization for song title: "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

This is an intriguing, weird essay. The best kind. As an exercise, google this: imagery words list ...See if you can add some; you have few! :-)

Undergraduate / it's politics / sports reading vs. solar power / hip-hop mashups- Tufts Supplemental [7]


Well check this out for interestingness. You are choosing to go study there in Somerville and enter the Tufts program instead of all the others you could choose... I mean... there must be a reason why. Your goal should be to share with the reader a sense of the real situation your in -- with real interest in a specific kind of work in a specific field.

... it dawned on me that I had the potential of studying both the ancient and modern world and drawing important parallels between the two. ---- Hey, this is looking good. I like it! Still, though, you can study these two parallel things at any school, so let's figure out, Why Tufts? I noticed a kind of invisible energy of inspiration in the air when I visited the school, and I would not be afraid to try to capture that sense in an essay. You are allowed to be totally honest about Why Tufts?

And as I look at that second essay, I see that you know how to write from a place of inspiration. For sure, you are the right kind of student for Tufts! Keep working at these essays; and keep in mind, the goal is to let them share in your vision for the future, share in your excitement about the specific resources and (name some) specific professors at Tufts.

Undergraduate / "double-major in History and Economics" - Georgetown University Essay #2 [4]

loose lose


Now there's a great name for a rock band.

No need for the comma in this sentence: My plan is to double-major in History and Economics, with a focus on American History and Macroeconomics.

SUPER IMPORTANT ADVICE: Biographies of men Americans like Abraham Lincoln, John C. Calhoun, and, my favorite historical figure of all time, Theodore Roosevelt, line the bookshelf in my room.

Capitalize in a situation like this: The elementary question I ask of anything and everything, "Why ?" provides all the passion I need to devour such historical texts; my necessity need to constantly be learning keeps me from ever

I know where I am going; my heading is strong and my determination stronger. My goal is to enroll in Georgetown College and double major in history and economics. My goal is to emerge from Georgetown as an adult, prepared for ... this specificity is great, but it can be better. Tell us about that business instead of repeating "my goal is to" over and over. I think the repetition you used is not good here. You write very well, so I am not afraid to be critical of you! I think the repetition is too much, and you can make better use of the paragraph by getting specific about that business (that might require doing some research).

:-)

Letters / Writing cover letter (a postdoctoral position) [2]

Check out Strunk and White for good writing style.

As a PhD student at the University of , I taught a variety of Calculus courses and I made progress in my research. I collaborated and co-authored several conferences and international papers with researchers in different various areas of Mathematics and computational Mechanics.

This is very impressive, but it is uneventful.
My recent research focused on the development and the analysis of computational tools for Mathematical modeling of the stability of the viscoelastic flows and their transition to turbulence and for describing the numerical simulations. ---- so, what do you think about this?

I believe my strong background in scientific computation and in fluid mechanics would be useful in your department.------- What do you know about the department? Mention a few things.

I also look forward to future opportunities to employ my expertise to other open-problems and questions in science.---- This is too general, and if it is too general it is meaningless to the reader.

I hope you will add some sentences that say very specific, unexpected things. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Honoring your parents" - my unexamined belief essay? [9]


You can do it easily, William. I'll tell you the secret:
Instead of trying to think of something to write, just think about the topic.

Children owe their parents so much... their parents give up so much for the children... but also it is important for children to benefit from parents' wisdom... and this is complex, because parents are not always correct. Children should be obedient, right? But not always? And it is good to be a free thinker, but how can I be a free thinker and also obey my parents? I could talk with you about this for hours. What would you say if I stopped and asked you what should be the rule for children to follow in order for them to be respectful enough>

Undergraduate / National Honor Society member- U Florida / Student responsibility, academic integrity [2]


Well, did they not tell you how long it should be? If they did not tell you, they deserve to have to get phone calls from hundreds of students asking them how long it should be, so give them a ring! :-)

You should not have to wonder if it is too short or too long. They should tell you what they want. You could write 100 pages if that was what they wanted, but they should specify.

As I walked across the auditorium stage, I knew I had accomplished something spectacular. The plethora of monotonous----I think there should be a rule. You have to tell the reader some key piece of information about what the essay is about BEFORE using any big words. Let's not make the reader wrestle with plethora and monotonous... all these adjectives... until AFTER we give them an image of what is happening:

National Honor Society... junior year.--- These are the magic words that tell us what is happening. Can you put these sentences closer to the beginning of the essay? Give them these words to reveal what the essay is about, and that way they can appreciate the cool writing style you have in that first paragraph. We appreciate everything more when we know what is going on (just like when a song becomes familiar to you and you have it memorized and love to listen to it).

At the end of the essay, the theme is cheesy. If you want to use that theme, you should mention it in the beginning of the essay, too. But I think you need to make it more specific and unique in order to avoid cheesiness. I hope you don't mind me calling it cheesy; I write cheesily all the time.

Try to show that the decisions you made in high school were based on a philosophy of working hard to give as much as you can during this lifetime, and show that you are in the process of making a big splash in the world. Make it so that all your sentences are... sort of like... about the same main idea. Make it so that you introduce a great idea in the intro, and then the rest of the essay explains it.

Undergraduate / The US is a completely different place than Argentina" - Meaningful event, moving- UF [2]

Simplify:
The day I witnessed my family members and friends cry changed my life forever.

When you quote someone's sentence, capitalize the first letter. Below, I will capitalize the word "It."
On the airplane I was scared, and did not know what to expect when we landed, but my parents said, "It is going to be ok and the US will not be that big of a change."

When I realized I could have conversations with my peers school started to appeal to me ----This is a tremendous accomplishment, and I think lots of people will be impressed by this essay.

Writing Feedback / "heart-ache and identity transformation" - Cbest, negative experience essay [4]


That is a cute mistake.

You can use present tense here:
We all experience some kind of defeat or failure in our lives.

As immature, egocentric, and obedient (obedient does not belong here).

As immature and egocentric as I was, this experience has helped me transform my irrational thinking into rational thinking -- and I have transformed myself from an immature child to a mature adult, a self-centered person to a person who can empathize with others, and most importantly, a person with goals, dreams, hope, and self-respect.

Wow, that is a long sentence! I fixed some small errors.

:-)

Keep the verbs in the present tense:
The birth of my child helped me understand and view the world from a different perspective.

Undergraduate / I am a warm-hearted girl; Mich Supp- international community [5]

There is no period at the end of the essay.

Add a comma here:
I was so proud of myself, because it was such an honor to stand out among all the candidates.

You did a good job of answering the prompt, but an essay like this should reinforce the fact that you have your eyes focused on your studies, major, and career, so it would be nice if you found a way to mention how your career aspirations fit into all this.

:-)