Technology, in simple terms, is the solution developed by humans to make their everyday life easier.
Technology, in simple terms, is the result of human efforts to find solutions to make their everyday life easier. The introduction of newer technologies in the market essentially represents the evolution of human creativity hence the current developments reflect our ability to envision lives that are less laboring and more meaningful.
. It is important to remember that humans may be dependent on technology but the technology is just as dependent on human mind.
I have a few admin requests - First, you should have had a more meaningful title for your essay. Write something meaningful in the SUBJECT field when you open a fresh thread. This title is attended by us. It is very good if you include the purpose (e.g. IETLS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title itself. Next, include your prompt in your post so that others get a better idea as to what your prompt requests from you. Finally you should have opened this essay in the WRITING FEEDBACK forum which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. I transfered your essay from ESSAYS to WRITING FEEDBACK. Hope you pay attention to these forum rules in your future threads.
My name is name here, and I am a current waitlistwait-listed candidate for Fall 2014 at the University of Chicago. When I applied to the school last year, I was like many of the other applicants - hoping for an acceptance.
. Although I was a bit disappointed, I am at the same time completely honored:
.... you need to tell a reason why you feel honored after being dismissed by the uni.... it's not clear to us :(
The University of Chicago was and still is my dream, and my ideal school.
In "The Decline of Manners," by Judy Martin, the author states that people of today are rudermuch more rude than theythose who livedwere twenty or thirty years ago... what you have in inverted commas are the quotes from the book? If they are so, I think you have too many quotes come in a very short frequency which makes the reader confused.
One of the primary reasons for censorship is to protect children from any material that is immoral and harmful for them. Some people may disagree, saying that censoring thingsissomething like swearing which does not serve any purpose because it tends to arouse curiosity in young minds. As such, the violent scenesand violence in movies will onlymay draw moretheir attention and curiosity towards themmore.
When I feel frustrated, depressed and face some problems that I cannot solve in a short time, I imagine myself going back there and to gain a new powerconfidence and power to face my real situation.
The place was my hometown, a small town called Fu-Gang, located in the country of Taiwan.
The small, old town had many unique features.
Though it is small in size, it is a very unique place in many respects.
We have given lots of advice on approach. Let's do some editing for you too :) Last week, I chattedhad a chat with a friend ,who is an English teacher in a famous educational organization. (stop here)We talked about some confusing problems during her profession.
Regarding to high school teachers, they too encounter a similar situation as well.
Well, you should have included your prompt in this thread. That helps us understand the requirement of your task better and helps us align our feedbacks more with task requirements :)
Actually, people in the world has favorite place.
Almost everybody in this has a favorite place where we derive a great pleasure just being there. Many people go to there simply unwind with the atmosphere in the city. Your essay introduction does not make much sense to me. Please post the prompt and I can have another look at your thread :)
As an architecture student, the main controversial Issueissuewhich I faced and shocked with it in the first terms in my university as a sample of Iran architecture atmosphere was Identity which lies at the root of nationality and architectural history. ... this sentence is too long and the latter part is very confusing. Try to express your ideas in shorter sentences. This you need to rephrase!
This is pretty good and well presented. However, you can check your SOP against the guideline we generally suggest to students; 1)Background, 2)Development of interest 3)Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education 4)Future goals 5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals and then a final summary.
My name is Jacob Christopher Wright, and I feel that I am more than qualified for this scholarship
Well, I find this sounds a bit too rough .... it gives the reader a feeling that you are a bit high minded. Rather than saying that you are over qualified for the scholarship, you could have said ;
Based on my background, credentials, proven track records and skills, I believe I am a potential candidate for this scholarship.
Well, here you only express that you need the scholarship, but it does not really justify why you deserve this scholarship
Pahan's got a good point there. Hope you pay attention to that and redo this writing.
Equal credits should be given to reading and watching TV in developing creative minds.
Your idea is not so clearly presented here; Watching TV is equally as good as reading in terms of enriching young minds with vast knowledge.
As a matter of fact, imagining is closely entwisted to reading. When people read novels and magazines, what is happening in their minds is the restructure and reorganization of the information and knowledge in books. It is a most common way in which our imaginations function creatively and are improved.
There are two issues with above lines - first, they are not delivered clearly to the reader. Second, you spend too much time elaborating just one point. You need to be considerate about time too as this task is a time bound one.
I feel this is not serving the purpose of a good hook. For me, it does not provide a meaningful entrance to your essay.
Therefore , to curbsolve this problem , parents should be educated to be more supportive and loving towards their young ones
Overall, this is a good essay. I think you have good writing skills - good grammar, vocabulary, ideas, presentation etc. Wish you good luck with IELTS!
First, you should have included the full prompt of your essay in this thread so that we could have gained a better understanding as to what it requires from you. Also, it is worth mentioning the purpose of your writing (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) as it helps others to provide you with more task relevant feedbacks :)
Everyone loves to have gifts. weWe had gotten many gifts in our life, some may be money while some others are objects or things. In everyway gifts are always special to us. If I had recievedreceived a sum of money I would defintelydefinitely choose to buy some jewelryget a jewelLary than getting a concert ticket.
jewel is the singular form of jewelry. Also, you need to pay lots of attention to your spelling.
This body para looks pretty lengthy. Since this task is a time bound one, it is dangerous to spend lots of time in one section of the essay. So stick to the approach Pahan has provided you in your other thread;
I imagine myself going back there and to gain a new power forto face my real situation.
The place is my hometown located in the country of Taiwan.
....you better be more specific about this place. Tell its name and where it is located. The reader would be interested in knowing those facts for sure :)
The small, old town has many antique commodities.unique features .
Hai friend,please attach the graph and your introduction seems too lengthy,try to write a short report including all details because u got only 20 minutes for this task.
Yes, this is very important for us to provide you with meaningful feedbacks. Use the "Attach file (s)" feature that you find in the Message block to upload your charts.
.... LOL ... looks like Pahan got so excited over your comment :D .... No wonder because he keeps advising every IELTS taker on the same line of approach. So your comment may have shattered him as to what he's gonna tell the other guys :) This is the beauty of this forum. Everybody is open to other's ideas and comments and all of us believe in the value of collaboration :)
I am requesting you to do that in a positive spirit with curiosity to know why you think so :)
.... this is very sweet of Pahan. He is asking you to tell your point for him to understand whether you've got a valid point :)
With technology developing,the advancement of technology, our transportationstransportation systems too d are becoming more and more advanced, from bicycle to jumbo jet.These things highly improve the efficiency than the old period.They help enhance the efficiency levels of overall society. For instance, People who want to come to the United State from the England maybe needed over half month to get there by ship in the olden days. But since modern jumbo jet comes outtoday British people can reach the same destination within , it just takes 17 hours to bring people to the United State from the Britain . Therefore, It is convenient for people who want to visitsvisit the strangeforeign countries.
Returning to previous research it was exposed that there is a link between some childhood mental disorders like Aspergers and lack of engagements in leisure activities such as music. I feel some awkwardness in this sentence too. please help.thanks
Returning to previous research In the findings of the same research I cited in the previous paragraph, it was exposedrevealed that there is a strong link between some childhood mental disorders, for example Aspergers, and lack of engagements inless engagement with leisure activities such as music, art etc.
Well, I found this thread in the Graduate section which is not the appropriate forum for this essay. This should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum which is the right forum for this type of essays. Opening your threads in the correct forum is a rule you need to obey here and hope you pay more attention to this fact in your future threads :)
Also, it is better you mention the purpose of your writing (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc.) in the title itself so that others can provide you more meaningful task relevant feedbacks.
Well, if you are preparing for TOEFL, you need to know all those details about the exam. Google for TOEFL material and you find loads of important information about the exam. It is always better you do your own research :)
TOEFL INTEGRATED - Word count - minimum 200 words (20 mins) TOEFL INDEPENDENT - Word Count - minimum 300 words (30 mins)
Well, it is important for us to understand why you wrote this essay. Is this for IELTS Task 1? If so, you should have uploaded the table using the Attach file(s) feature in the Message Block. It is very difficult for us to provide you with some meaningful feedbacks without knowing the purpose of writing and also without seeing other supporting material like tables, diagrams, graphs etc.
Nevertheless,misdemeanour of students can be rectified to an extent.
Nevertheless, issues relating to bad behavior of students can be addressed to a great extent.
Firstly,parents are the first teachers of their children and they should spend more time with their children which would help the pupils to lead a better life.Also,teachers play a pivotal role in overall development of the children.
First, parents and teachers should play a great role in this regard. The parents need to spend more time with their children and help them with their emotional growth. The teachers too should develop a close connection with their students and guide them in the right path to success.
The essay must consists of why I need the financial assistance of the scholarship and what my financial needs are. This is how I thought to start the essay. As a single mother and full-time student I am faced with many financial challenges. Rent, childcare, tuition, food, and books/educational supplies are all financial responsibilities that I must I don't know what to put after this HELP!!
Well, since you are applying for a scholarship for studies, I think you also need to convince them that you deserve to be enrolled with their study program. So, in addition to your financial needs, try to present your case as a deserving student. You need to show how interested you are in pursuing this course and how it is going to help you achieve your goals in life. You should not waste too much time on those points since this question is about financial assistance, however, you need to put it in a manner that you deserve the scholarship :)
Nevertheless, there are some other causes why people are experiencing serious medical problems. Firstly, the environment of the modern world polluted very significantly from greenhouse gas emissions and other gasses.First, it is the environmental pollution including greenhouse gas emissions that has led to many sicknesses. Many people, for example, are suffering from allergyallergies today because of these gasses. Secondly, foodstoday's foodwith a low quality such as fast foods, junk foods processed food items and any genetically modified ones foods are influencing toimpact on our health very negatively.
Teachers and facilitators may have a good understanding of the skills andmind of an individual student yet this understanding does not exceeds student's self awareness.
... Well, it is not so clear what you attempt to mean by "mind of an individual student" :( I think you need to re phrase this sentence.
Therefore, under no circumstance, should an institute discourage a student in pursuing whatstudies in a field of their choicethey wish to pursue. However, even if asome weakness exists it may be still worked upon if one is motivated.
It is certainly true that modern people are facing up to a new health problems and ailments than before. Many people claim that it is because of sedentary lifestlyle. However, while I accept that sedentary lifestyle is one of the key factors, I believe that some other factors too are having even a greater impact.
Overall, you seem to be having a good idea about essay approach. However, do not forget to include specific examples in body paras.
Firstly, wealth the celebrities have acquired is very much higher than compared to the other people. For instance, monthly revenue of a prominent professional is lower to that of a famous musician or actor, commonly without proper educational background. Apart from their main profession this group earns extra income commonly by appearing in promoting goods and services which are another very profitable business and, again that is not available to others. It is also, hard to see any narrowing this gap. Thus, it is easy to see the financial gain that celebrities enjoy is abundance.
... ok, let's do this para according to the approach I suggested; First, the celebrities are generally very rich. Since money makes a big difference in quality of life, the celebrities are very fortunate to lead luxurious lives that other ordinary people even cannot dream of. For example, most of the Hollywood movie starts own ranches and islands while an average professional cannot even think of acquiring such properties during their entire life.
The best solution tofor this problem is to make prisons fulfill the function of rehabilitation.change the prison environment to one that supports rehabilitation process of the prisoners.
The psychological reason for people to commit offense is their lack of sense of security in economy, relationship and other aspects of life.
... I like if you change this idea slightly; This environment should provide the necessary backing for the psychological and emotional requirements of the prisoners that are closely linked with their socio-economic and relationship related issues.
It takes into consideration that CSL is not a part of the labour intensive industry and cannot use direct labour as a cost driver to trace manufacturing overhead in its products.
In addition, based on a profitability analysis of three CSL products, I offerpropose four strategies to help the company improve cost leadership and product differentiation: (1) resettle retail prices, (2) outsource production, (3) reduce costs from suppliers, and (4) address trade-offs associated with cost reduction and customer service.
Pay attention to the approach that Pahan suggested above.
Overall,both consumption and production of energy increased significantly from1950 to 2000,although the consumption of energy was higher than the production,with a rise of almost 35 units.Whereas,the figures up to 2025 show the gap between the use and production will widen and will reach almost 65 units difference in 2025.
.... This is your overview and therefore it should not contain too much details. You should cite the main observations (features ) in the graph so that the reader gets an overall picture about what the graph presents. Also, try to adopt a more formal reporting tone as this task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills :)
Yes, the intro and overview look fine. Always mention the specific time period in the intro ;
The first bar graph shows changes in the percentage of residents owning computers over an 8-year period.
mention the period - from 2002 to 2010. Also, I think your body paras need a bit more details. Overall, you write very well and hope you managed time well too :)
Hai friend, , please write the prompt and the purpose of writing. You have to focus on sentence structure and punctuations.
...Yes, this is very important. We need to know for which purpose (IETLS, TOEFL, Classroom assignment etc.) you wrote this essay and what is the full prompt of the task. These information help us align our feedbacks more with the task requirements and you would find them more meaningful :)
The world that we live in today isdominatedtroubled by traffic problems.
.... you follow the right approach for the intro. Good effort :)
Your body paras too are not aligned with your prompt. You have gone out of topic in them too... You need to tell the reader about your view on the statement and defend your view in your body paras by giving reasons and examples. Your prompt does not ask for measures to arrest the traffic condition. :(
I have already provided you an approach for this task in your other thread :)
Apparently, should the students only study the theory, they can't understand why they learn it and all they will usually do is trying to learn lessons by rote to pass the exams.
.... this sentence is not presented clearly. You need to rephrase it to deliver your idea as we cannot get it from this sentence. Also, try not to write very lengthy sentences. They tend to make the reader bored. Write simple short sentences that are error free :)
As per the line graph, the number UK citizens who visitedof visiting abroad among UK residentsslightly increased from around 12 millions in 1979 to 20 millions in 1984.(8 million increase is not a slight increase)Similarly, thetourism departureForeign visitors to UK too had shownshowed a slight increase with less number from 10 millionsmillion to 12 millionsmillion in the same period.
We do not undertake to write essays on others behalf. You need to write your essay and post it here to earn others' feedbacks on how to improve your essay. So, you have to give a start and do your first draft. Then post it here and we would have a look at it and give our comments as to how you can improve on that. Our forum is committed to help those who want to write English well and we believe in collaboration.