Writing Feedback / Direction and planning - Gre essay [3]

Success is something for whichthat everyone works for.toward.

To get be successful in anything,work one should be prepared for unexpected results or setbacksfailures,
and one should properly direct his effort.put his or her efforts in the proper direction.

Indian cricket team in 2011 world cup finals can be considered as an example, a lawyer and later a successful entrepreneur Kunwar sachdev is also one outstanding

example, a student preparing any exam needs a study plan to excel in exam.
This statement is unclear and vague, I know what you are trying to say, giving examples- but be specific when using analogies- what are you comparing the example to?

Everyone who strives to be successfulwhich is desired by everyone needs a very clear pellucid and comprehensive plan for life .

On the path to success, u nexpected results are likely to be encountered.in path of success.

Continue to work on your english and grammar. You have great ideas, and it is an interesting paper. I thought you may want to add a nice example like this: compare success with luck (some think they are the same, but no) If a man who has great skill in fishing catches a fish, he is successful. However, if a man fishes without practice or training, and catches a fish- that is luck! Big difference :) Best of SUCCESS to you!

Graduate / 'orientation towards engineering' - admission to Engineering Management program [3]

I have completed my four years of bachelor of technology programme...

I amPresently, I am working as a consultant with Tata Technologies,as a consultant;which is an engineering and design firm that provides enterprise IT solutions.

My undergraduate education at SRMCEM has not only given me a certain set ofspecific skills, but has also helped me understand my field of interest and my academic strengths and weaknesses.

These realizationsunderstandings of my interests were substantiated by my undergraduate final year project "Production Planning- under ERP (Enterprise Resource Planning)".

I developed a system for management of issues and complaints in production processes during which I was exposed to the production and planning environment at the manufacturing industry and came across some of the best practices followed at the shop floor and assembly lines.

This sentence is quite long, it would be easier to read if it was split into 2 shorter, simpler sentences.

Graduate / 'professional in Trade and logistics' -How do you think your career plan will develop [3]

I would like to give a multiphase to my current expertise in Logistics services, to a more holistic skills that prepares me at strategic, tactical and operational level in a corporate environment.

This sentence is a bit too long, and disjointed. I would break it up into a couple shorter sentences, and clarify.

I hope xxxx15 month programme will refineexpand my capability in conceptual, logical and technical architecture.with My decision making skillswill be enhanced,skills in decision making thatwhich will help me to begin my career in supply chain integration.andAs I gain experience over a period of time, through continuous learning and performance, I plan tomove toobtainthe position of a supply chain Director.This role includes defining the supply chain strategies for large organizations by implementing the latest technologies within the corporate budget.

Nice job, I just took this one really long sentence, and turned it into a few shorter ones, it really is easier to read that way, and does not sound like rambling now.

My long term career goals include setting up a logistics facilitiy for warehousing and distribution of multinational consumer products.It will be implemented regionally in India through efficient distribution channels.throughThis system will provide excellent customer service quality with reduced cost and successfully implement the 'outsource model' for Supply chain.

Good work, I feel that you have answered the question appropriately, however you need to write in shorter sentences, and in a more simple manner. Long sentences with lots of big words can get confusing, so try to be clear and concise. You have explained your short term and long term goals very nicely. Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / Enjoying a Job Rather Than Earning Money [3]

It may be a classical proverb, but it is true and this is why it is classical.
You say "classical" twice, I would change this.

If you look around you, you can easily see many unhappy people who are very rich, but you can be happy without money.
This sounds weird. Maybe say, "It is plain to see that many rich people are unhappy, and that money does not necessarily give us happiness."

Of course money makes our life more comfortable, but we need money just to sustain life while happiness is what welive for.

Living without working doesn'tsounds ideal.perfect?

Even you have ten reasons to be happy and one thing that makes you stressed, then your happiness for the other things means nothing to you because you are always annoyed by this little thing.

This sentence is confusing, clarify what you are trying to say here.

You will also be happy and satisfied with the results you have.will satisfy you.

Book Reports / "ROAD TO AMIR'S REDEMPTION" - THE KITE RUNNER REVISION [6]

Such as guilt over sneaking out, not doing homework, or telling your parents a little white lie.
Not a full sentence. You could start this sentence with: "Guilt can stem from..."

People find peace of mindthroughwhen they redeem themselves, in other words, wethey do something that makes up for the cause of their guilt.

Amir had a chance in the alley, to put Hassan first and change the path of both their lives, but he made the decision to turn around and run because it was what he thought was best for him:

I would break up this sentence into 2 sentences, because it is a bit too long, it would be easier to read if it was in 2 shorter sentences.

Amir's selfish ways were aresulted fromof the lack of his father's affection in his life.

At the time, Amir could not understand at the time, why his father adored his servant's son more than his own son.

As the tension increases between Amir and Hassan, Amir can no longer stand to see Hassan everyday because of what Amir had not stopped and he could not bare seeing his father showing Hassan love and not him.

Right here, you begin writing in present tense, when the beginning of the essay is written in past tense, be sure to stay consistent with this, it makes your paper easier to read that way.

Undergraduate / Personal statement for Graphic designing in Virginia commonwealth university in Qatar [3]

I have always been into arts, I can never remember a time where I have ever stopped drawing; constantly creating sketches on the sides of my notebooks, helping friends in art classes, making designs for different school magazines, and participating in art activities or projects.

This sentence is too long

I was intenth grade Ten when I finally started highlighting and giving art more attention.
Strengthen this sentence, be more specific.

Originally, I wasn't very interested, thinking that it was just like anya normal competition like the onesin which I usually participate in.
You say the word competition a few too many times, try to be less "wordy" when you write. Focus on the details, and create a mental picture of your story. Nice work so far, continue to edit your essay. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Critical parts of the nursing role' - College of Nursing Essay [2]

Your essay is as perfect as can be! I would not change a thing if I were you, exemplary! It is obvious that you have put much thought into writing it, and you are very talented at writing. You have presented yourself as a kind, passionate, intelligent and aware person, who has a good heart. Your first paragraph is the strongest. Any school will be lucky to have you as a student- best of luck to you!

Undergraduate / 'Designing a room' - University of Toronto Architecture Profile [5]

learnt-- learned

The amount I knew about autism the first time the idea popped into my head to volunteer increased so greatly once I was done with the project, and ultimately, my dilemma was solved.

dilemma? The closest thing I can find to explain exactly the "problem" or "dilemma" is "Wanting to maximize my experience with the children" and that's not a problem, it is a desire or goal. Be more clear in answering the prompt question- what you have answered is the "thing you made" from the question.

That is the only thing that I can find that seem not to fit. Otherwise your essay is great and you have been very descriptive. Nice job :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] what should be the main function of a university ? [2]

While some think it is not important to consider employers' needs, I am convinced that students should be given the necessary knowledge and skills to work as an employee.

On the one hand, teaching students what isneededrequired in a workplace greatly prepares them for the future.

Not only does it help them grasp the general picture of thetheir future jobs,buta college programthey will do but alsooften shapes good attitudes and habits towards working.before actually going to work.

For example, when a well prepared student enters a company, he will have hadlearned the demandedexpected skills already and start tocan begin work without any difficulties.

On the other hand, from an employers' point of view, practical skills and experience are of much higher value than pure knowledge.For instance, graduates from a university which is known to provide working expertise would certainly be preferred over others in the competition for jobs.

You could say this: If a person graduates from a university that is well known for internships and on the job training, they have an advantage over others when competing for jobs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING，should we control violence in film to reduce the level of violent crime [2]

Nowadays , a lot ofMedia producers prefer to add excessive violence and sexual content in their movies and TV shows in order to earn morelarger profits. Some viewsareconcerned that this issue may increase the violent crime in society.Therefore , the government should control thecontent in films and TV shows to reduce the violent crime in society

First of all, violent content is harmful for the children, and the government has the responsibility to protect them away from violence.

As these children grow up, films with excessive violence firms and TV shows may influence them asto be violent people, who isareeither harmful tothe society. Hence,To provide a better circumstance for the children. The government must protect the children away from violent content. .

Therefore, I believe that the government does have the ability to control the violence in films and TV shows to decrease the violent crimes in society.

Writing Feedback / Classification essay (how to state it) - TV crime shows [3]

Yes you are on the right track, nice job. You could focus on one certain theme that all of the shows have. compare them to each other. If it is about how it is your favorite, go with a theme that matches your feelings about the shows and why they are your choice for a topic. Give some interesting facts about the shows and wrap it up with a witty conclusion (maybe a crime show joke) If you have anything written, please post it in a new thread and we can try to help you :)

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shyness or Social Anxiety Topic [5]

'Some would say that social anxiety is the fear of crowds and people, because the person is anticipating embarrassment..You could focus on that topic, embarrassment- why does it happen? what is going on in the person's mind when they become anxious due to phobias?

Writing Feedback / 'Evolution of artificial lighting' - research paper [2]

Since the dawn of time, light has played aenormously critical role in the evolution of humans, animals and even plants.

With fire, they could do countless things previously thought to be impossible. Fire changed everything.

There was no bulb, but instead it was surrounded by an iron mesh. andThe problem Davy faced was that the charcoal tended to get very hot and burn away in a short period of time.

This one was much brighter and more efficient than Davy's, but this design was not economicaldue to the high cost of platinum. made this design very uneconomical.

He died a short while after the patent came through though and not so not much about his invention is known.
Re-word this sentence, it sounds confusing.

Across the seas
Overseas

The bulb is then filled with inert gases (gases that don't react) and so there is a very small likelihood (if any)which makes it unlikely that the filament will burn.

Writing Feedback / How Prepare a surprise birthday party for your girlfriend /boyfriend - paragraph help [3]

Begin with your topic sentence. Simple. "This is how to plan a surprise party for your boyfriend." Then, write a sentence or two for each step in the process. You could Say: "Begin by writing down your party ideas. Then, create a theme for the party, based on your boyfriend's favorite things." "After that, make a list of people to invite, and send out invitations." Just continue writing like this, and you will be doing what you are asked to do. Good luck with your paper, and if you have a rough draft of anything written, please post in a new thread and we are happy to help!

Undergraduate / 'The Seattle University matches my educational goal' - common app essay [2]

College education is an important factor in a person's life. It determines a person's personality and her future.
Remove the part "It determines a person's personality and her future" because this is not exactly true. College can help build character, and create a more intelligent, more mature person. College can give people a competitive edge in the search for a job.

I believe that the Seattle University is a good match with my educational goals, and I have no doubt of the great academic program in the Seattle University.

You should state your specific educational goals, and link the degree program at the school with the goals you intend on achieving. Say that the university will give you the skills needed to be successful in life.

However a good study environment and convenient location, and a variety of school activities are also what I'm looking for.
You could say: "I am also looking for a good study environment, convenient location, and a variety of school activities.

The main reason why I pickedchose the Seattle University is because the location of school. of its ideal location.

Writing Feedback / 'A doctor in a foreign country' - your long term goals (paragraph) [2]

My goals are to become a doctor in a foreign country and to become an individual who is exceptional in all subjects of learning. The International Baccalaureate can help me obtain this because to become a doctor that companies need across the county I need to graduate through a good university and the International Baccalaureate program would help me find

I can help you with this. When applying to a college, there are some things they are looking for when they read your essays. You are on the right track, and just need to build upon what you have written so far. Begin with a short description of why you are interested/passionate about your intended field of study. Then state your long term goal. Then, explain what short term goals you have to achieve (learning certain skills and education, on the job training), in order to make progress to your ultimate goal (doctor). Speak of how the degree program will be a stepping stone along your path to success. The school needs to know that you are a person with a plan, and that the school will give you the real-world skills to make your goal a reality.

Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Growing up in Oregon' - Semester at Sea [4]

Hi, you have done a wonderful job writing this essay. I can't find any errors in your grammar. You state why you are interested in the program, what your roots are, what your passions are, and your personality shows you to be a very intellectual person. You are clear about your short term and long term goals (the college wants to know that you are a "person with a plan") and you explain how the program will help you to attain those goals. One thing I would change: a few sentences are too long, and should be simplified, or split into shorter sentences.

1) Growing up in a small, Southern Oregon mountain town gave me an understanding and deep appreciation of the beauty of this planet, while also inspiring my lifelong dream of experiencing the other incredible places the world has to offer.

2) The unique way Semester at Sea combines classroom learning with cultural exploration provides an unparalleled opportunity for authentic, hands-on learning, as I will be able to see first-hand the cultures and issues I learn about in the classroom.

Good luck in school!!

Scholarship / 'major in business management' - Stating Career Goals-Scholarship [2]

One of my goals is to get accepted into a 4-year college and major in business management. While majoring in business management, I plan to obtain skills and experience in the business area. I have already taken many business classes in high school to get me familiar with owning a business and I plan to take many other business courses in college.

My other goal is to attain a career in business management. I want to own a business,
You say the word "business" so much here, you are saying all the right things, but it starts to sound repetitive. Re- word this. Also, you may want to begin with a sentence about your vision of being a store-owner. Mention a few personal qualities that pertain to your area of interest. Emphasize the skills you already have, and link them to your career goals.

I would want my clothing store to be in Miami, Florida, since there is a large population there I know that my business would have to start out small, but in the next couple of years, I would want it to branch out and be national.

This sentence is very long, I would split it up into a couple shorter sentences- strengthen your wording.

When I start attending college, I am looking forward to doing hands on experience closest to business, so I would have a better feel on what it is like owning a business. By achieving my goal, I plan to graduate from a 4-year college with my Bachelor's degree in business management. With the skills that I have already obtained and the skills that I will obtain in the near future, it will help me in what I need to know to own a business.

Strengthen. Show your enthusiasm. You could say: "I am looking forward to the hands on experience that the college offers. I will enjoy the opportunity to learn what it takes to run a business. I plan to graduate from a 4-year college with my Bachelor's degree in business management. My goal is to use my education to build on my plan to open a clothing store."

Add more content, make it more concise, in order to add more reasons why you intend on achieving your goals. Nice work so far!

Writing Feedback / 'behaviour of the wind-flow and concentration fields' - paragraph. [3]

It should be noted that only the main obstacle upstream of the emitter building has been taken into account, namely a tower forth time higher, since it has been judged that only this tower could have major effects on the overall behaviour of the wind-flow and concentration fields around the building of interest.

It should be noted that the emitter building has only one main obstacle. A tower that is located upstream could have major effects on the building of interest. It should be taken into account that this tower could distort the general wind-flow and concentration fields near the emitter building.

This is just an idea of a better, more simple, way of saying this. I hope this helps! Good luck to you :)

Undergraduate / entrance essay to F I T ..Why would it be to your advantage to participate in the Pro [2]

I have some ideas to help you with your paper.

During high school despite attending classes and understanding I was challenged by the examinations which were mostly required written essay responses and minimal practical response.

You address you dyslexia, but you seem to ramble about your school experience, which is distracting when reading this. You answer the question well, but introducing with the learning disability is a little off-track. The purpose is to promote the skills you do have ( I realize that you need to explain why one program is best for you).

This opportunity not only provides work experience which is needed in the world today to get a job but also experience with equipment , which makes me more marketable in the hunt for a job after. This internship program also gives me the chance to explore different areas related to my field of interest. This program will also allow an international student lik me the ability gain some financial support while there.

Here, you have the right idea, this ought to be the core of your paper. The college wants to hear that you are an intelligent person with talent/skills that will fuel your desire to graduate. You must present yourself as a person with a plan, that you have goals: short-term and long term. Link your goals/passions to the program, and explain how the program will be a stepping stone on the path to success.

Writing Feedback / I support the fact that grades encourage the students to learn [3]

Hi :) I can recommend some changes to your grammar/ wording. Here are some ideas:

Each individual person is a student for life. InOver the course of time, we tend to learn new things in every walk ofduring our lifetime .

Personally, I feel that we live in a competitive world.
I would change this sentence from being a "belief" to it being a "fact" Strengthen this statement. Say, "We live in a competitive world..."

In order to stand out among the hugein a crowd, we need to think outsideof the box and work harder than others do .

For instanceIn my case , when i was in school, I hardly used to worry about any thing.
I think the phrase " I hardly used to worry about any thing." sounds odd. Re-word or omit this sentence. Remember to give strong reasons to support your argument.

They start thinkinginof every possible way to get to the top.

Keep working on this, you have a great paper! There are a few places where you need to place commas, and re-read it to yourself, making sure that it all makes sense. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'researches for Mechanics of Solids' - Why Brown appeals to you as a college option? [5]

Sure, I will check the grammar.

It is not just a technology-centered institute that primarly focuses on engineering, or thepurely a liberal arts school that often lacks thean engineering program.

Instead, at Brown I can study aboutoffers studies in energy technologies,byfrom which I can choose a chemical engineering major with a Materials Processing and Synthesis specialization. At the same time,Therefore I can keepcombine the degree with my interests in environmental issues by working with Environmental Studies.

As I build my career pathskills in engineering with the the environmental studies, I believe I will become a more well-rounded person and pertaingain diverse perspectives on my interests.

More specifically, Brown's world-renowned professors are heavily engaged in researchthat involvesfor Mechanics of Solids. It comes to meis a positive indicator, because research on the behaviors of solid and nano-particles is exactly what I intend to study.match to my interest.

Good luck with your essays :) I hope you get into Brown, I live in Providence and it is a wonderful city.

Writing Feedback / Creating a descriptive paragraph on the subject of: Library [5]

Hi :) No problem, I can help some more. I can correct a few grammar issues.

This sentence needs some work, it is way too long. I will try to re-write it a little, to give you an idea of how to do it differently.

Upon entering thru the first set of glass doors which lead to a second set of glass doors, that land you right into the library where, there is three beautiful beige round tables with four red, blue, green and yellow chairs per table for the little children to be seated, and read a variety of books By Dr. Seuss "On beyond Zebra" and Norman Birdwell "Clifford" the list of books for kids go on and on.

The entrance consists of two sets of glass doors that lead right into the library. There are three beautiful tables, which are beige and round. Each table has four brightly colored chairs for the young children to sit down, a variety of books are available to them. Our favorites are Dr. Seuss "On beyond Zebra" and Norman Birdwell "Clifford,"

The library has a varietymany genres of books, includingresumes, grammar, math, cooking, college entrance exams;and the list goes on and on for teens and adults.

People come their surfinguse the free internet to look for jobs,anddoingwrite term papers or just hang out because it's very quiet and peaceful.The flooring has plush carpetsand you can't hear anyone walking,so the noise is very minimal.

Undergraduate / 'my excitement to return to work' - Transfer essay - sensitive topic? [4]

Hi :) I remember reading your rough draft of this paper- AWESOME job with improving on it! You have done everything right, and I think your paper will be eye-catching, any school would be lucky to have you as a student. Best of luck to you :)

Writing Feedback / As an young adult people, we can still be independent, even when we live with our families. [3]

Hi :) I have a few suggestions:

You say a lot of "firstly" "thus" "furthermore", etc. When you say these things, you are using up space that you could use for more content. Also it sounds more professional to write the statement matter-of-factley instead of introducing each idea with things like "that's to say".

Also, the first paragraph would look more attractive if it was not just one sentence.

Firstly, The reason whythat I say this is because thatas young adultswe can still be independent even thoughwethey live with ourfamily .

If you makeall the every decision by yourself, and earn theyour own money by yourself as well as maintain the daily life by yourself , you haveare already be independent even you still live with family .

Undergraduate / 'researches for Mechanics of Solids' - Why Brown appeals to you as a college option? [5]

Hi :) The conclusion: should say something about how Brown can help you accomplish your long term goals. The college wants to hear that you are a "person with a plan". They want to hear a plan that includes long term and short term goals (and your paper should be based around this notion) Let them know that Brown has the ideal program that will give you the skills needed to achieve your career goals. They need you to promote yourself, and show them how their degree would be a stepping stone on the path to success. Good luck in school :)

Research Papers / Starting a research paper on The Role of technology in everyday life? [2]

Well, I would definitely consider this question in regards to your own life, and the average person's life. Most of the items in our home were manufactured and processed with tech. The toaster, clock on the wall, TV, computer. Tech allows information to be sent in less than a second (computer, cell phone, radio) Tech created the textile industry that generates most clothing, the sheets we sleep on. We can video chat, print, make copies, and e-mail instantly. We get hot water in our shower by tech that shunts water to our home and heaters to make the hot water. Tech made the car we drive, the buildings, the streets. Tech includes graphic design, creating signs for advertising, storefronts, business cards, photography. Imagine different tech for different scenarios- skiing, hiking, car racing, riding an elevator, building a skyscraper, creating computer games. This is an easy subject to write about-- enjoy! Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / Creating a descriptive paragraph on the subject of: Library [5]

Descriptive

You have written about many actions and activities that occur at the library, but I would like to read more description. This is what I would do: Write about your day at the library as if it is a mini-story. Begin with the feelings the library evokes in you and your family- excitement. Then, the visual- when you walk up to the building, what is the scenery? Inside, what stands out? There must be a wonderful community atmosphere in the library, so it is comforting to be there. Conclude with leaving the library and sum it up with a strong statement about how special the library is to you and your family.

I hope this helps :) Good luck in school!

Scholarship / iImagine With Me What the Future of Year 2222 Can Be With the Perfect Plan [2]

We will have reached Mars and Venus with manned spaceships.
Children will no longer carry textbooks, but advanced Ipads and e-readers.
Transportation will be far more efficient, and diesel/fossil fuels will be unnecessary.
There will be everyday communication with extraterrestrials.
We will have discovered all ancient knowledge and evidence/ artifacts.
We will have cloned dinosaurs and extinct animals.
If capable people are in need of a job, it will be easily obtained.

Scholarship / Using degree to impact field of work scholarship essay [3]

Hi :) Nice job with your essay!
I have a few minor suggestions:

Science, to some this elicits electrifying recollections of experiments, boisterous projects, or astute dissections.
I would say Science can make some people imagine... or at least replace the word "elicits"

I hesitantly enrolled into A.P. Chemistry and Biology, and was ensorcelled.
The word "ensorcelled" is uncommon, i would choose a synonym for this word.

While others disesteemed the intricacy
"disesteemed" sounds odd here too.

It targets the manner in which living organisms attain energy from food, the chemical foundation of heredity, and alterations that ensue in diseases.
Some more words don't "fit" quite right ( maybe you are using thesaurus a lot) " heredity" and "alterations" make me stumble over your words a bit.

Writing Feedback / 'Ciggarettes Kill' - ESSAY ON SMOKING [3]

Hi :) I can help you with some grammar issues:

ciggratte
It is spelled cigarette

Well, let me clarify some thingsthe reasons that you are going to regret about smoking.You are not only going to die early but you will develop illnesses.

Smoking will make you look stylish to your friends when you are teenager, but you are only a teenager for less than ten years of your life.

A weak argument, you mean to say: While you are a teen, smoking is a way to fit in, or look cool and stylish.

You will become addicted to itnicotine , and it will destroy your body, and deterioratemake your face. look monstrous.

Another thing, undesirable effect that would happen to you is that your nails would turn yellow, even your toe nails. Not all,Just like tobbaco comes out of your nose and your mouth, it also comes out of your toe nail.

What is the purpose of cigarettes?

Undergraduate / 'People/cultures'- Personal statement Liberal Arts major in Texas University in Qatar [2]

Hi :) Great paper! I can suggest a few changes:

I was able to witness howinteresting and unique people can be. I enjoyed discovering and analyzing the nature of everything around me, understanding the human's history of howhuman cultures formed.

What caused a certain tradition or behavior to exist in the first place? Who and how many people walked on this very same ground we are walking on, and what has each of them left behind for us?

I plan on studying Liberal Arts at Texas University, from what I heard when I talked to some of the students, and from everything I have learned about Texas University, it seems to me that it is the perfect university and the one that meets my ambitions, because of its rich history, highly admired professors, and its constantly interesting programs.

This sentence is way too long, split it up into two shorter, simpler sentences.

Both Social Studies and English studies both were the ultimate pushsubjects that led me towards this major. ("this major"-- you have not yet mentioned it in your paper, so I don't know what major you refer to here)

I've studied a lot about the history of both World Wars from Social Studies, what were the causes, the events that took place, how it ended, and the after effects. I also learned about all the definitions of Globalization, what it represented, and its advantages versus its disadvantages.

Either you need to tie in the purpose of stating these things, or omit this sentence, because it disrupts the flow of the essay at that point. I know what you are trying to do- emphasize your knowledge base- but try to re-word this to make it less choppy.

Undergraduate / Biomedical engineering state of purpose [4]

I'd like to hear more about what inspired you or led you onto the path of this field. I would expand on this thought, because the prompt question asks: "Discuss any experiences you may have had and/or people you have known who influenced your decision"

To study biomedical engineering has been my dream.
The word "dream" is overused in college apps, explore synonyms (passion, aspiration) to better express this notion. The studies should be a short term goal, but your true dream is attaining the position of a biomedical engineer, so I would introduce that early in the paper as well. You do a nice job mentioning all of your goals later in the essay.

I wishplan to pursue a career in biomedical engineering,becase it is a great way of being involvedworking in boththe fields of engineering and medicine.

I washave always been fascinated by the idea that a deficient organ could be replaced by a man-made object.
In regards to engineering, my first hands-on experience concerning engineering was 5 years ago in the local Olympiad.whereDuring the competition, I was part ofon a team who created and programmed a robot to perform a series of acts.

Book Reports / Essay on good and Evil (based on Nathaniel Hawthore's Young Goodman Brown) [3]

Your essay sounds great to me. A couple things that I can see need editing:

Puritans believed in strict adherence to Christian values, but were superstitious and persecuted many people that they believeddeemed to be evil, such as possessed persons and witches. They were notintolerant and they laid the foundation for the Baptist church of modern times. The Puriitans believed in self-reflection, and they strictly accounted for thoughts and deeds.

I would change this:
Intent in the end determines good from evil.
You could say: In the end, a person's intention truly determines good from evil.

Undergraduate / Educational interest - psychology, future goals and plans (U of Minnesota) [3]

Hi :) Your paper looks great! You have a very strong life plan, and you explain your goals and interests very well. I can choose a few things that need adjusting or changes you may want to make:

she pierced through my skin

And thanks to my introverted nature, I was so focused on my own inner realm, which further separated me from the outside world of human engagement and expectations.

This sentence is a bit "wordy" but I do like what you are saying here- esp. the "inner realm"

Perhaps this detachment was exactly what I needed, as I was unknowinglyunravelingdiscovering my ownpassion for the study of the human mind and behavior .

** I like the "psyche" sentence, it sounds good, and well-placed.

To me, a career is a way to contribute.
I would add to this sentence-- a way to contribute to... (the neighborhood, the general public, your family)

It would not only give me the much needednecessary research experience byof working one on one with a professor, but also the opportunity to publish a paper in the university's own undergraduate journal of psychology, the Sentience.

Scholarship / Auto Industry Bailout - Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or intern... [3]

Hi :) You have chosen a great topic to write about-- right off the bat it is an interesting subject that is currently an issue. So you have correctly answered the prompt question.

Undergraduate / 'to appreciate the unique beauty of things around me' - What intrigues you? [3]

Wow, nice job, this sounds really cool. So, I don't know if the essay is to be specific about the work of art, but I am assuming that it is the beautiful scene in the sky when all of the lanterns are lit up. The paper you have written is a work of art too! You paint a wonderful picture with your words. Here are a couple things you may want to change. Just some minor suggestions:

We gathered on the square when the clock struck ten,our souls filled with enthusiasm and the expectancy of a miracle. in our souls.

The lanterns in our hands started to reviverise up, and suddenly they turned into stars, which blossomed on the sky canvas.

I was still staring at the dark abyss and looking for my lantern, which was the color of grass.

That evening showed me the significance of thehow a brief moment of joy which we can be created with simple things.

Those sparkling lights made me realize how important feelings are nowadays and that we don't have to dream about magic because together we are capable of creating it together.

Re-word this sentence. It is a little long and sounds like rambling. Nice description.

Undergraduate / "If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great". - Determined Brazilian [5]

"If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."
I would replace "hard" with "difficult" and "difficulty"

This is one of the quotes I live by, making me not aim not only for the good, but for the great. I believe that every person is created equal, and we all gothave the same 24 hours in a day, but what distinguishes us is the determination and the will power that we set for ourselves.

I can proudly say that I'm an 18 year old Brazilian 18 years old guy, who loves to take challenges and hates to be just like everybody else.Therefore, I will not write about who I am, but what I've done to become who I am today.

Living almost my entire life with just my father, I was earlyalwaysencouraged and inspiredinfluenced to play soccer and be a business man.

After my sophomore year at High School, with the ambition of finishing High School early , I went back to Brazil to do in 6 months what I was supposed to do in 2 years.

Therefore,Last year, for 6 months, I hussled to pass at the top best Private High School in the state of Sao Paulo . I was successful, although the time constraints slightly lowered my average.

Undergraduate / 'a university highly respected worldwide' - College application [5]

Hi :) I can make a few suggestions:

Your paper sounds good, you have written all of the right things. I feel that the essay does not quite show the reader much of your personality, because it is written in a very plain, simple, and straightforward manner (like you are playing it safe by writing this way). So, in order to not sound generic or boring, I would try to add in a few more details about yourself, your life plan, and tie in the ways that the university will help you with your life plan. Include a brief description of your short-term goals. The part where you mention your interest in a Business major is almost hidden, I would emphasize your goal of achieving a career in business. You could shorten the part about the diverse community, it is good to mention this, but is there another, more important, reason that you chose this school? Your paper is fine the way it is, I am only suggesting these changes with this in mind: the college admissions staff are looking for things that "stand out" and mostly they are looking for details about you, your story, your plan- long and short-term goals, and how the college will serve as a stepping stone toward your life plan. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / 'work harder and become better' - Statement of purpose for UK university / IT [2]

Hi :) I have a couple of suggestions

When I was 12, I had no idea what I wanted to do in my future so I took as many after school classes as I could to try and find out what were the things I really liked whether it would be music, arts or even sports, but, somehow, the only thing that gave me pleasure were the IT classes.

This sentence is really long. Break it up into a few shorter sentences, it will sound better that way :)

I got my first home computer at the age of 13 and I learned as much about it as I could, broke it and fixed it over and over again, tried every option, every program almost everything there was to try. Then I realized that no matter whether I was working with text processing, playing games or doing elementary programming, sitting in front of the computer was what made me the happiest.

This sounds like rambling, clean it up a little, try to make it sound a bit more professional. You broke your computer and kept fixing it... I see people write this a lot for computer degree apps. So unfortunately, it sounds a little generic. Maybe try to mention a little story or detail that is specific to you, that shows your personality, and that will really stand out to the reader.