Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [14]

Oh, this version is so much stronger than when you started. Good job taking and using constructive criticism! I liked your next-to-last version better, though. In editing down, you cut out some of the sense of it.

Undergraduate / quantum mechanics - Why does Brown interest me? [14]

This is a great way to answer the question. All you have to do to make the transition is to say that the kind of school that nurtures that kind of thinker is the kind of school you want to attend. Then you can go on and talk about the open curriculum, etc.

Undergraduate / Experience relating to religious diversity as a response to an admission prompt? [6]

Religion counts as a cultural difference. That's a fine topic for the essay, especially if the day really did lead you to gain enhanced respect for other religions.

Graduate / Graduated from Marketing. SOP for masters in Communication [8]


No, sorry, but see the Terms of Service for your options.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay 1: Psychology Interest [6]

What do you mean by "the world of psychology." Which writers or theories did you happen upon? Which interested or instructed you? What variety of psychology -- developmental, clinical, neurobiology, ethology, etc., etc. -- is of greatest interest to you? Do you envisions a career in the field? Be specific!

Writing Feedback / Toefl Question: Movies and books in a modern life [10]


This is a run on sentence. Also, is it only in modern life that people need to relax as well as work? Haven't people always needed to do both? Haven't books been around for centuries? Resist the urge to make every essay about "modern life" or "modern society." Just answer the prompt.

Which, in fact, you do not do in this essay. Your essay is about the general benefits of reading books and watching movies. The prompt asks you "What have you learned about a place or its people from watching films or reading books?" and direct you to "Use specific examples and details to support your response." You have done neither of those things. You do mention one specific movie but do not say anything that you learned about a specific time or place.

Undergraduate / I hope to see hospitality industry in my motherland China thriving prosperously and being perfect [3]


This sentence, which starts so strong, encapsulates your problem in writing this essay. You have very good ideas, which you strive to express complexly. But, your English is still so rudimentary that you make glaring grammatical errors that interfere with comprehensibility. So: Keep the ideas. Keep the imagery. Write in short, simple sentences in order to lessen that chance that you will make glaring grammatical errors.

For example:
Dazzled by the shining French window, I moved nearer and nearer to admire it.T hen, unexpectedly, I hit my forehead against it.I burst into tears .

Graduate / Need someone to read &critique this SOP..applying for doctoral program in slp [5]

Yes, it seems fine, especially if you have already had contact with professors in the program and they are familiar with you.

Essays / Choose your own topic essays? [9]


Lots of forum members are practicing for the IELTS. Many have found it useful to use the forum to share information and critique each other. Please do post your own essays. Also, search the forums for IELTS and look at practice essays that others have written, along with the feedback they've received.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the happiest day of my life so far? [9]

You need to provide more useful feedback than that to remain a member in good standing. Try to say why you like or dislike an essay or to offer a specific piece of advice.

Undergraduate / Exhibit Me --> Being a unique individual, I uphold specific beliefs [5]


Again, don't cut anything of substance. Just edit your sentences for concision. Our contributors ought to be able to help you do that.


My friends and I responded to the Victorian bush fire by forming a charity to which people kindly donated over eight hundred dollars.


These beliefs and values guide my life, leading me to aspire to be polite, compassionate, and cheerful.

Undergraduate / Fascinated by the business world (Ryerson essay) [5]


As a reader, I want to stop reading right there. "I was" is boring, and "greatly fascinated" tells me this is somebody who exaggerates, since "fascinated" is very strong on its own.

Here are the verbs from your next sentences:
It was because
they were
learned, explained, told (OK, but not great)
our society would

Your next to last paragraph begins with "I have been..."

You last paragraph begins with "I have chosen..."

In short, while you may be fascinated by business, your essay does not convey that fascination. It is dull because its verbs are dull. Use action verbs and active voice to convey your sense of business as a fascinating subject.

Undergraduate / describe the world you come from (UC personal statement) [2]

For me, this essay doesn't work so well. Why? Too much telling and not enough showing, I think. Instead of lecturing to us about environments in general and then telling us what effect your environments had on you, show us those environments, describe them to us, share some stories that illustrate the points you are trying to make.

Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]

Oh, I'm so sorry that this otherwise poignant essay ends as it does. Too bad you didn't carry the beetle outside or at least allow him or her to escape.

Essays / Research paper and topic on six sigma [7]

You have completed your Master's in statistics. And you want us to tell you what topic you should choose for your research? We can help you write up your research. We can even help you choose among possible topics, assisting you in determining which are feasible and which might be too hard for you to do. But, as the one with an advanced degree in statistics who will be doing the research, you've got to identify topics that are (a) of interest to you, and (b) can be investigated by means that are within your skill-set.

Undergraduate / Exhibit Me --> Being a unique individual, I uphold specific beliefs [5]

The premise of this essay is excellent: creative and unique. That being the case, you do not need to proclaim yourself unique in your opening line. Indeed, much of your introduction can go. Skip the prefacing material and jump right into the tour through the exhibit.

This is fairly long, and my attention began to flag as it went on and on. Don't cut content but do edit severely for concision.

Finally, to others, notice how this writer includes Christianity among the values and attitudes s/he embraces but does not inject explicit religious content into the rest of the essay. That's the way to handle religion for an application to a secular institution.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Movies or television now play an important role in our life [14]


It all depends on whether your readers are likely to recognize this character and, if not, how much space you will need to use to explain her before making your point. If you need to give too much explanation, doing so will detract from the flow of your essay.

Undergraduate / "The #1 Bus Boy"-my work experience essay [7]


That's a fine structure for a TOEFL, CBEST, IELTS, SAT, or basic composition essay. But this lively little piece is just fine, assuming that it just one part of an application package that includes at least one more complete essay.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]


This is too passive. But, really, it's fine. You might want to quit tinkering with it in order to avoid over-writing it.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

It's not so much that you ignored the previous advice as that you used deception to get around forum rules. The rules require you to provide feedback for two other users before posting a new thread. Rather than help two people, you created a new identity, under which you asked people to do for you the very thing you refused to do for them: Provide feedback.

Undergraduate / 'my close friend Jacob' - UF Essay, focused enough? Looking for opinion on it. [12]

I agree with you parents. You've not really told us anything about yourself, just about two bad incidents that were hurtful to other people and you observed.

Undergraduate / My Four Year Old Role Model (Common App Essay) [3]

This is a very good start. You've got the story into words. Now you've got to polish it. Right now, your tone is too conversational, and this leads you to be too loquacious. Also, you might want to start with a visual image of Dakota or some specific anecdote rather than by telling us what you are about to tell us.

Grammar, Usage / What is the Difference between Literary Writings & Business Writings [10]

Do you mean differences in style or differences in type. Business writing includes reports, memos, letters, proposals, resumes, and the like. Literary writing includes poetry, fiction, and essays. In both business writing and literary essays, concision and clarity are hallmarks of good writing. In all forms of literary writing metaphors and other figures of speech are common; such allusions are commonly not found in business writing.

Graduate / Really need a good Topic related in Financial Derivative market for master degre [4]

You can start by doing general internet searching for basic information. Then move onto a scholarly search engine such as Google Scholar, Jurn, or databases to which your school library provides access. Once you have a good idea of the basics, you should be able to narrow your topic to something you can manage in an essay. When looking through the scholarly data bases to which you have access via your university library, look for those that are related to economics and finance.

Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]

Good start -- very lively -- but now you must go back and clean it up (as you cleaned the room.) Be more careful in your wording. Right now, you make it sound as if "Southern California" were a small town within Los Angeles. You also start with a sentence fragment -- not a good idea!

Undergraduate / UMichigan, diversity and how you can contribute; Spring Festival in China [5]

You've got a good idea for that last paragraph. Keep the dumpling metaphor, just add some more about how you are looking forward to even more cultural sharing at U-M.

Writing Feedback / Do you think the educational benefits of test & exam outweigh any disadvantages? [4]

Assessment tests or examinations are effective tools to ascertain current student status as to teaching scholastic lessons to school . Great advantages of this practice are always evident.

What practice? Giving tests? Since tests themselves rather than the practice of giving tests was the subject of the first sentence, the second sentence doesn't quite follow.

Overall, I notice a tendency to leave words out of your sentences. Go back through very carefully, adding any words you inadvertently omitted.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the happiest day of my life so far? [9]

You're doing well and seem to be on track for getting your GED. I'd leave out the meditation on the days of our lives in order to jump right to your happiest day. Also, you use sentence fragments for emphasis to start your second, third, and fourth paragraphs. While I understand what you're doing here, this may not be looked on favorably by GED essay readers. Use standard sentences throughout.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Writing Feedback / Making A Difference (to save the environment) [9]

Your story is much more impressive than the tepid introduction leads the reader to expect. Replace that intro with some moment from your adventures in recycling and then edit the whole thing for concision.

Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

No, it's because it's so clearly in the author's young voice. And the ethical dilemma did involve money, profoundly. The author came into more money, by means of the job, the job created the dilemma, and the money made it difficult to do the right thing.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]


Good joke, but I meant the admissions committee, who clearly want to know about a work that already influenced the candidate rather than a book they looked up in order to answer the question.

Writing Feedback / time spent for studying and playing [6]

To finish this essay, brainstorm more that you can say in support of these two points: (1) sports and leisure activities are necessary for good physical development; (2) sports and leisure activities are necessary for good social development. You might, for example, explain exactly how team sports contribute to social development. Next, come up with one more argument in favor of your position. Ideas anyone?

Undergraduate / 'As I stood in the murky spotlight...' college application essay - over the word count limit [7]

Right: You need to show us the essay so we can tell you what to cut.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay Writing on Indian American Culture - Feedback [2]

There's so much drama in your parents' story. I'm wondering why, then, this essay reads so slowly. Part of the problem is the generalized introduction. Instead, start with some vivid story or image from your parents' youth or childhood. Overall, we need more showing and less telling. Your grammar is fine, but the essence of narrative writing is the use of vivid imagery to bring the reader into the story.

I hope that some of our Indian and Indian American forum members will share their views too.

Graduate / Need someone to read &critique this SOP..applying for doctoral program in slp [5]

Yes, but if this is the only program to which you are applying, do state that and give the reasons why.

Undergraduate / "how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay [18]

I began to rebel, feeling that this was the way to bring my father back home. I ignored my mother, neglected my studies, and did things I had been taught not to do.

Undergraduate / 'studying photography' - FSU Essay -- Vires, Artes, Mores [8]


What makes this seem contrived is the "is found in." Say something like, "I tend to be enthusiastic about everything I do. Photography is perfect for me, because it allows me to exercise my flair for artistic expression and my eye for picture composition."

Essays / Coming up with a Essay Topic (Politics & Environment Policy) [6]

In what region of the world or in what aspect of environmental policy are you particularly interested? You will do a better job (and find the task less onerous) if you choose something within your existing areas of interest. So, if you were particularly interested in China, you could look at some controversial dam projects or the political impact of ongoing desertification. If you are particularly interested in energy issues, you could look at any number of hotly contested nuclear energy sites or the highly-charged (pun intended) question of disposal of nuclear waste.

Undergraduate / "A Role Model in Fiction" (Common App essay) the influence of a fiction char. [15]

Would it be possible to tone it down? To make one reference to the similarity you see between the character and Jesus Christ but then focus on the character without continually referring back to Christ?

Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

Yes, the narrative is very strong. Just be sure to close the essay with a conclusion that specifies what you learned and/or what qualities -- dedication, courage, musicality -- the story illustrates.