Posts by dumi - page 123

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Some people think that museums entertain people, while others it is to educate [4]

First, it seems your essay is two short. Try to maintain at least the minimum word count required for this task. It's important for your score.

Museum helps to know about the history and ~~their sculpture~~its evolution .

... Art, sculpture, antiquities and everything displayed at museums, reveal facts about history and evolution of that particular society.

Some people think that museum should attract (???) while others believe that it should teach.

Here the appropriate word is not "attract" . It should be "entertain"
Also your sentences sound very abrupt and short. You can give a little bit of description to the reader about your ideas. For example;
Some people think that museums should have features to entertain people to improve their attractiveness. However, the others believe they should focus more on educating people.

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Children prefer electronic games to other games and toys.Why is it happening [2]

Due toRapid technological revolution, Software Company's delivers attractive, entertaining computer games to target children which make them to elude other extracurricular activities.

It should be either "rapid technological advancement" or "technological revolution"
"Software companies deliver " is the correct form.

It is a negative development, continuous playing computer games which affects children both mental and physical health.

It is a negative development that would adversely affect children's mental and physical health.

Electronic games with audio effects engage children to play for long hours.

... good sentence :)

Due to lack of space in apartment or home to play, they ~~selecting~~select computer games as their leisure time activity

... this is a very strong point
Due to lack of space in home environment for out door games, children are left with the option of playing computer games during their leisure time.

You have good points and good presentation. However, you need to talk about how this activity negatively affect the society and especially children. That's what your prompt requests and you have not given focus to that aspect in your essay. Instead you talk more about the reasons why children are attracted towards these games.

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / (practicing writing) Should first world countries offer economic help to third world? [3]

Throughout the European colonial period, European countries that were more economically developed~~usually~~ exerted economic and political influence on countries that were less developed.

Good opening :)

Years of exploitation devastated countries and one whole continent, ~~if you think about~~which is the great Africa.

we are still living in an extremely polarized world.

.... I quite agree with you :)

Well.... you display really good writing skills... However, if you practice for IELTS or TOEFL, then you need to pay attention to their required essay structure. If this is for such task, then your introduction is too long because these exams have a time constraint and you would not be able to manage such a lengthy intro :)

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / Memoir of the Chevalier ; Writing Section of the Toefl, Question 1 [7]

OnIn the lecture it is said that the memoir is one of the most reliable sources to learn about the Chevalier's life.

the reading claims that he was not as wealthy as is said and bases this on the fact that he borrowed large sums of ~~many~~money from Swiss merchants.

.... the reading passage claims that he was not as wealthy as it is said and the money that were in his possession are the money he borrowed from Swiss merchants.

The professor refutes this by saying that he had a large number of properties instead of cash.

The professor refutes this fact by arguing that he had many properties though he did not have liquid cash.

On the reading stands that he did it by bribing the guards.

As per the reading passage he did it by bribing the guards.

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) effects of electronic games on children [4]

In the present scenario, majority of youngsters incline to~~pursue~~play computer games than ~~that of~~ playing conventional plays.

.... pursue is not the appropriate word for you to use here. Pursue means "follow (someone or something) to catch or attack them".

Nowadays, these applications are highly influenced by young children

... applications are not highly influenced by children, but children are highly influenced by these applications. So you need to change the order

without any loss of money.

without incurring any cost

In a nutshell, ~~from these points of view,~~ computer games have become a big menace for young world. So it is high time for parents and teachers to be active in reducing children's ~~affinity~~addiction towards these games.

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) three bar charts (developing ans ind. countries) [5]

The given three bar charts described about the average years of schooling, number of scientists and technicians, research and developmental spending in the years 1980 and1990 in developed and industrialized countries.

this should be written in present tense.... Also, you have not attached the charts and without any visual presentation it is difficult to grasp an idea about these bar charts. It is not clear whether all three parameters are meant for that particular duration.

From the chart the scientists and the technicians per thousand people was ten thousand and nineteen thousand in 1980 and 1990 respectively in developing countries.

Why do you say " per thousand people" ? .... this sounds very confusing. You better not include too many details in one sentence. That makes the reader confused. It would sound more clear if you split it to two or sentences.

You tend to make some grammar errors. Get rid of that though they may be minor errors.

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Undergraduate / To be an exception; UMichigan - Community [2]

Growing up, living in the 2nd oldest publically subsidized housing project in the United States and oldest in Seattle, I admit that my family and I are poor.We are among the 1200 residents living in Yesler Terrance, an aging public housing community, renowned for gang activities and drug crimes

.. "renowned" is generally used with a positive note(The quality of being widely honored and acclaimed) and therefore it is not an appropriate word to use here. Also I feel you give too much details which are loosely connected and therefore you need to improve its presentation.

This is my suggestion;
Growing up in the 2nd oldest publiclly subidized housing project in the US in Seattle with 1200 residents , I come from a community which is far from the meaning of "well to do" or even "decent". The name it has earned is not a positive one, but for notorious activities such as gang activities and drug related crimes.

I've seen gangsters broken into cars, heard of people getting jumped because of their jackets, cracked addicts smoking and even drug dealers slanging cocaine outside my doors. Kids of my age join gangs and ~~disregard~~destroy their futures. Almost all the kids growing up here are likely to stay and be involved in a life of crimes, except a few.

With my own eyes I've seen gangsters breaking into cars, insane drug addicts and even drug dealers slanging cocaine outside my doors. Kids of my age often have their futures destroyed by joining gangs and getting involved with drugs and crimes. You have an interesting story :)

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / schools replacing sports and exercise classes with more academic [5]

Galloping advancement in science and technologies~~, it~~ has proliferated huge volume of academic syllabus for school students in their curriculum.

As a result of this substantial changes over the period, today many schools tend to focus increasingly on academic curriculum and reluctant in providing physical education for children.

....impressive sentence :)

students are working hard enough in schools to get admission into reputed universities ~~plus~~in addition to pursue their desired courses.

Children ~~are~~ more often seems to be a book worm rather than participating in sports activities

.... this has a few grammar issues;
Children is a plural word, so it should be "seem" and not "seems" & "book worms" and not " a book worm"

Your first body para does not contain any specific exmaple which is a must for this task.

children should have been given

You have good writing skills, but you need to pay more attention to grammar

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Undergraduate / Strong commitment ,Research;U Michigan-School of Nursing/Unique qualities [2]

Whether it was a bad flu, severe heartburn or near-death malaria, I constantly visited the hospital.

I feel this sentence does not add much value to your flow.... the next few lines dont seem to have any reference to hospitals :(

I will be able to accomplished one thing I have always dreamed of,

I would be able to accomplish

Research is very vital to our everyday decision making but especially in the medical field.

I don't see much meaning in the highlighted part... why do you say research is very vital to everyday life? You talked about their strong committment to research. Now something more about their research capabilities.

Another way the School of Nursing ~~matches~~satisfies my interests is its clinical practice

The school's clinical practice is another feature that draws my attention.

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Eat at food stands or restaurants? Eat at home [4]

~~Regarding this,~~Therefore some people prefer to dine out , while others like eating at home.

Personally, I think that eating at home is more beneficial for our family.

Personally, from the family perspective, I think eating at home brings many benefits.

eating at home can eat more healthy food as when we make food at home,

....this is grammatically incorrect.
.... eating at home enables people to eat fresh, clean and healthy food.

However, some restaurants ~~have used~~use artificial flavors in their food for taste.

... this happens now , so keep it in present tense.

You need to pay attention to grammar. Your essay structure is good :)

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Effects of replacing sports and games with more acdemic sessions in schools [6]

Nowadays, many of the schools give less significance to physical training for students. This is mainly due to the cut-throat competition among schools for academic excellence. However, I believe that this change cannot be welcomed as it adversely affects the lives of the students

Good introduction :)

For example, a student who studies whole day without any relaxation can leads to increase the stress level.

For example, a student who studies whole day without any break may end up with high stress levels.

Finally, engaging in sports or games can be beneficial for children in acquiring some good aspects such as;

Finally, engaging in sports or games can help children acquire important life skills and lessons.

Overall, a very good essay. You can surely aim for a real good score. I only wish if you be a little more specific with your examples. But, overall you follow a good structure, excellent vocabulary and good presentation. Good Luck!

dumi

Jan 31, 2013

Scholarship / Georgia Southern U; How Engineering degree helps me accomplish my academic goals [5]

I am very proud to be one of the incoming freshmen of Georgia Southern University.

Since you have a word constraint for his question, I feel you need to have every word and line supporting you to convince them that you are the right candidate. In that sense, I guess this line does not contribute much for your case.

Be more specific as to what career goal their engineering program would help you in and focus more on your goals not their program so much.

Aniece is right... I too feel that you need to specifically say what your short and long term goals. Then highlight specific features of uni and show how they can help you achieve these goals. In other words, you talk about uni's features but do not talk about how they help you achieve goals. First identify your goals and tell them, both short and long. Then align the university's features with your goals.

Good Luck!

dumi

Jan 30, 2013

Undergraduate / Explored Nepal; ST. LAWRENCE SUPP - how I spent summer [3]

instead a one-month long vacation

... you cant have both "a" and "one" together because they mean the same

Unlike most of the schools in the United States, schools in Nepal do not give long holidays during summer; instead a one-month long vacation is given during 'Dashain-Tihar', one of the most celebrated festivals in Nepalese culture.

Why do you mention about US holidays? I feel that fact is not really necessary
My suggestion;
In Nepal, schools do not close for a long vacation during summer, but they do during the national festival of "Dashanin- Tihar", which is one of the most celebrated cultural festival in Nepal

Since the date of the festival varies every year-as it depends mostly on the position of the Sun, the Moon, the Saturn and all other planets and satellites in the universe, we are never sure of when we get our holidays, but the statistics suggests that it falls generally between September to November of any given year.

This sentence is too long. Hence the reader needs to make more effort to remember the details until its end. You should not make the reader tired :D

dumi

Jan 30, 2013

Undergraduate / Cuturally diversified India; Umich - Communities [5]

, but seldom would we find someone with an actual solution.

, but seldom would we find someone with any actual interest in solving these problems.

All we could find were hypocrites.

... I wish if you didn't have this line in your answer. It sounds a bit arrogant and as if you point finger at everybody else except you... it can lead to have a wrong impression on you.

Also , India is a vast country... You better be specific in which area or locality you did engage yourselves to make others convinced about what you say.

dumi

Jan 30, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS - TASK1 - Write a letter to your friend thanking him/her for guiding interview [2]

Your suggestions and advice ~~are~~were very useful

... the interview had already taken place.... so you need to keep this sentence in past tense.

I reached half an hour before the interview time and submitted my resume at the reception. After waiting for one hour

These sentences have no grammar issues. But they don't seem to contain much meaningful and useful information. Your prompt says;

Explain what happened at the interview.

.... but this needs to be the information regarding how you did fare at the interview, what did the panel ask you about, how his advice was helpful answering certain questions etc.

dumi

Jan 30, 2013

Undergraduate / Debate Team; Common App Short Answer (extracurricular) [4]

. I set out to change it and then~~joint~~ joined debate team.

During the first stimulations

During first practice sessions

but I stayed with it.

but I didn't give up

I was shocked that my silence in all classes has been completely destructed

.... I feel this sentence does not deliver your idea very clearly. Your idea sounds vague and unclear to me. Also I suggest "disturbed" in place of "destructed"

When felt disappointed with the current university and even frustrated

Being disappointed and even frustrated with the current university, ...
Overall, with your essay, I see you have a problem with its flow...

dumi

Jan 30, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Most schools planning to replace sports classes with more academic sessions [4]

Due to technology revolution new subjects are introduced in school curriculum every year.

My suggestion;
Due to rapid technological advancement, many new subjects are being introduced tot school curriculum every year.

To copeupwiththis trend and cover all the subjects school not allowing for students for personal training classes and ask them to attend academic classes.

In order to cope with ever expanding school curriculum, the schools attempt to organize their time tables with more emphasis on academic work while reducing the time allocated for other activities.

It is a burden for young children to learn all the times in the school.

This hinders the opportunity for students to engage in other extracurricular activities that help them learn many valuable life skills while reducing their study pressures.

Moreover, School are working hard in compete with other schools for their academic results.

This is your first body para and the examiner expects you to give the first reason for your opinion here. Therefore "moreover" is not appropriate

dumi

Jan 30, 2013

Scholarship / Mass Communications and Psychology; SCHOLARSHIP - Educational and career goals. [2]

Some arguments were smaller than others, however, the smallest of the bunch accumulated all together with the bigger ones, leading towards my parents' separation.

I wish you rephrased this... This does not flow smooth and this is something you can tell them with a more emotional appeal.

Although their separation was quite unfortunate, it was the best option for my family, and through the experience I discovered who and what I want to be in life

Their separation was a bitter experience for me. However, as every cloud has a silver line, it is this unfortunate event that shaped me into the person who I am today and helped me understand what I want to be in life.

a columnist who provides support for people, specifically young teenage girls, seeking to overcome adversities.

Today I am a columnist who stands by the people, especially young teenage girls who seek overcoming adversities.

dumi

Jan 30, 2013

Writing Feedback / 'requirements and conditions of studying in college' - one national curriculum? [5]

One of important question in an educational system is that whether a government should require all of its students in it's country to study the same national curriculum until they enter college or it must give the schools the autonomy concession.

.... this sentence is too long and therefore it disturbs clarity of your sentence. Try shorter sentences
It should be "one of the important questions" or "one important question"
My suggestion;
National curriculum is an important aspect of the education system of any country. Some people argue that every student should follow the same national curriculum where as others hold it does not have to be that way.

In many countries like our country for being eligible to study in university or college,

.... tell the name of the country, otherwise it sounds too ambiguous :)

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Undergraduate / University of Toronto SAF - Questions - Management - Accounting Co-op. [7]

Well.... in that case you may mention about your multicultural exposure and talk more about your skills that go with management and accounting discipline.
Your teacher is correct if the prompt ask you to write about what can you contribute to their student community because there cultural diversity exposure matter a lot... I just can't figure out a direct link of cultural diverstiy with this kind of prompt. However, you can have that point in the answer, but don't consume many lines for elaborating this factor. I feel you can have more emphasis on your skills .

Mathematics is vast and its applications are limitless

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / " Web of Risks" by Brad Stone ; SUMMARY OF ARTICLE [4]

Social-networking sites are very popular for people to use to make friends, connect to each other, spend time and share their personal information such as Facebook and Myspace.

.... I feel "connect with each other" and "spend time"
Popular social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace facilitate people to stay connected, make acquaintances, share personal information etc.

According to the article, the author pointed at people who used social-network to share bad stuff which is not supposed to be posted on the web.

This line sounds confusing. It does not deliver your idea properly... What do you mean by this sentence? Is it that the author criticizes the people for abusing such networks to promote unethical activities?

People who posted bad stuff ~~they~~ don't know that they could get in trouble.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Undergraduate / University of Toronto SAF - Questions - Management - Accounting Co-op. [7]

*What experiences and skills might you bring to this field? (100 words or less)
I have the advantage of being an international student; I had the unique opportunity to adapt a whole new culture, combined with my native culture and language, and which gave me various different perspectives. This provided me unique challenges throughout my life; I had to battle through the racial prejudice that was placed upon me. For example, my English writing and speaking skills were always questioned; I was determined to prove them wrong. These challenges made me self-motivated, competitive, and persistent in all my goals. I became opportunistic, always looking for the benefits in challenges as well as welcoming them.

Well ... as I feel, I guess that this prompt needs you to discuss your skills and experiences that you are going to bring to the field. So, I feel you need to align your answer more with the prompt by discussing your particular skills in this area and also some experience you gained in relevance to the field.

What is the field it refers to? Is it management and accounting?
If your field is management, you can talk about one of your previous managerial experience. You can tell them about certain already gained practical exposures in management . Also you can talk about certain skills you have, such as communication skills, peoples skills etc. you can talk about them and show how they are going to help you with the studies.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; INTERNET BRINGS THE WORLD TOGETHER AND MAKE IT SMALLER [2]

~~Internet have~~The internet has become part of our daily life.

... good opening.... pay attention to the grammar correction I made there.

It ~~existed~~exists everywhere; office, home and even your cell phone.

... you have to keep this sentence in present tense.

We cannot avoid it in our daily life. Student needs to search information online. Office clerk needs Internet to check and send email.

... These lines do not provide any meaningful ideas to back your topic; instead they sound like you are going off track and repeating the same thing. Tell something that would set up a link with your topic;

The internet connects the entire globe instantly by fascilitating speedy access to information and people irrespective of any geographical or time barriers.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / Far-sighted/ Persevering/ Help my progres; Important qualities of a good boss [3]

For one who works in a team, the quality of the boss is very important.

..."boss" is not incorrect, but "leader" sounds more appropriate for this sentence.
Also, the topic is more focussed on supervisory job, and therefore it is better to have referance to the topic and use the word "supervisor" in your proceeding lines.

First of all, a good ~~boss~~supervisor should be farsighted.

... This is again correct (farsight) , but "visionary" is a very good key word for this idea.

First of all, a good boss should be farsighted. Only a farsighted boss can set reasonable goals because s/he can see the far future of the team. Only a farsighted boss can lead the team to the right direction because s/he can see what will be going on following important decisions. Only a farsighted boss can be a good planer because s/he knows what's to do step by step. So, if you want to be employed by a team that has a glorious future, chose a farsighted boss.

In this whole para, you use the word "farsighted" in almost every sentence at least once. That gives a repetitive tone to this para. Better avoid that. Also you better back your argument with a specific example, such as highlight some experience with a good supervisor :)

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Economical developments degrade Social values? [4]

The developmental programs of a society bring with increase in living standards along with decreased social values.

Your idea does not flow beautifully here.
Economic development helps increase living standards of people, yet deteriorates social values of mankind.

In this essay, I will explain why I feel the disadvantages of these changes overweigh the advantages.

...
In this essay I hope to discuss why I believe that disadvantages of technological advancements over weigh their advantages to humans.

Apparently, people are more attracted towards the success of people and their high standard of life.

.... the word "people" is getting repeated too soon :)
Obviously, people look forward to enhancing their living standards through convenient and comfortable solutions..
[quote=joytThese companies bring ~~with~~along their own culture ofespecially the consumption of fast foods[/quote]

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Scholarship / Inquisitive/Multicultural ; unique, and why is international travel? [4]

"I've always been inquisitive of this world.

I've always been inquisitive about this world

I come from a multicultural background, and throughout my entire life I've been fascinated with all of the diverse types of cultures and beliefs.

... it's better you describe about your multicultural background a little bit more... I think it is a good point to show that you've got some unique exposure.

I've studied atlases and scoured the internet in search of information about the planet for as long as I could remember.

You idea does not flow properly and I cannot get your idea... I guess you better re-phrase this line :)
You talk more about travel experience... however, very less is spoken about what makes you unique.... I think that's the point you start this essay.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS LETTER-historical building in town and the city council wants to pull it dow [4]

I saw the news about push down of Perambur Museum building.

..."demolishing" is a good key word to use for destroying buildings.

I was shocked after hearing this news because you know that this building is built by ancient king and after him, the British had kept as museum where it contains ancient sculptures, antiques, coins, artifacts and so on.

This was a shocking news for us because this building has a great historical value; It was built by an ancients king and then the British had converted the building into a museum. Today it hosts many ancient sculptures, antiquities, artifacts etc.

. It is store house of wisdom and it is a source of information for everyone in our locality.

It is a treasure house for knowledge seekers and a symbol of national heritage.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Undergraduate / WHAT ARE HUMANS IF NOT FAMILIAR STRANGERS ON THIS EARTH. transfer essay.. [2]

I am the oldest of all the children in ~~my family~~ our family circle , from ~~both my mother and father's side~~maternal and paternal sides.

When you say "family" it generally refers to your immediate family and excludes your extended families.

I was born in Houston, however my family moved back to their native country, Pakistan. I was less than a year old.

I guess it's better if you combine all three sentences;
I was born in Houston, however my family move back to Pakistan, our native country, when I was an infant.

Family is very tightly knit in Pakistan, teaching me how to appear and act with elders, respecting them and taking care of the young.

With closely knit family environment in Pakistan I was taught to respect elders, take care of the young and behave well in family circles.

An utter and absolute shock came to me, when my family moved to Dubai.

Then my family again moved to Dubai bringing shocking changes to my life.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) pros and cons of technology in human life. [3]

Science and technology havea great influence inon human life since their inception.

and asserts the need of reducing the precarious outcome of it for the rise of a risk free society in future.

... this latter part needs to be re-phrased; you flow somewhat disturbed by that.

Technology is considered to be the one,is developed to reduce the effort of people.

.... this has grammar issues;
This is what I suggest;
Technology offers convenient and efficient solutions for the people. .... "convenient" and "efficient" are good keywords when you discuss on technology themes.

.For instance,the inventions of weapons especially nuclear war gadgets are extremely dangerous for the existence of the entire life forms on earth.

For example, the development of more technologically advanced modern weaponry can be very dangerous for the existence of mankind.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Essay] Government - Investments in Arts is not a waste of money [2]

The investments of the government in the arts, such as music and theatre, are considered by many a waste of money.

This is too close to the prompt introduction. You may take the idea, but present it differently;
Governments make budget allocations for preserving art forms, such as music and theater, of their respective countries.

Because governments should invest this money in public services. Although this point of view is true, in my opinion, investments in arts are not a waste of money.

My suggestion;
Some people argue that these funds should be utilized in a more meaningful manner such as investing in public services. However, I believe that art is an important aspect of our lives and the society at large. Therefore governments should invest money on preserving all art forms.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Parents are concerned with their children's' up-bringing than before.opin [3]

Nowadays parents are unaware about child care activities and worried about their children nurture.

... this is grammatically ok. But it fails to deliver your idea nicely... This is my suggestion;
Nowadays parents lack knowledge regarding how to raise their children.
However, this is not what your prompt suggests. It says that parents are more concerned with their children's' up-bringing than before. This does not mean that modern parents lack knowledge on child rearing. It only suggests that they are more concern than parents of previous generations and child rearing classes are the best solution for their concern. Always make sure that you don't deviate from the prompt. You need have a good alignment with it throughout your essay.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Undergraduate / TEACHING BY TWELVE; Given the resources, what will you seek to better understand? [3]

For me, your prompt is not descriptive enough to comment about the contents of your essay. I wish you had posted the full prompt so that we could have given you better and more relevant feed backs.

By age twelve, I had already discovered a passion

What is your passion? I guess it is passion for teaching, but it is not clear at this point. So I think you need to talk about it more clearly :)

During my sophomore year, I started working at a daycare and fell even further in love with teaching.

During my sophomore year, I began to work in a daycare where my love for teaching grew more.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Countries develop economies improve living standards.degradation social values [6]

Iteradicates unemployment, poverty, homelessness, child labor and so on.

.... In my view, unemployment cannot be eradicated, but can be controlled or reduced. Even in highly develped economies such as US, Japan, Australia etc., there are recessionary periods wherer unemployment prevail at higher rates. So I feel you "eradication" is not an appropriate word to use with "unemployment " :)

Due to high standard education and professional people relationship are reduced

What is the argument here? How do you relate higher education and professionalism with relationships? That's not clear.... Also this has some structural and grammar issues too :(

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Graduate / COMPUTER & MANAGEMENT; Statement of purpose for MBA [3]

My penchant for computers ~~& my~~ and inclination to work in management sector have encouraged me to pursue a career that will help me combine these two interests.

."my" is getting repeated. This is my suggestion;
My strong love for computers and interest in the field of management, encouraged me to pursue a career that offers combined opportunities for these inclinations of mine.

my decision takingabilities

decision making capabilities

I seek to be a key part of an organization where my decision taking abilities and my managerial skills will be vital for its growth and betterment of society and thus also inspiring others in contributing into it.

... I think you need to rephrase this;
I intend to hold a key position in an organization where I could contribute towards its growth and success with my decision making capabilities and managerial skills. I also wish to become an effective leader who can inspire others towards success, both organizational and personal success.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Advertisement encourages consumers to buy in bulk, instead of high quality [3]

Advertisement plays a major role

... I feel the postive form sounds better;
Advertisements play a major role

Sometimes it motivates people to buy more of the product which results buying in bulk instead of considering quality.

Sometimes they motivate people to purchase products beyond their real requirements such as buying in bulk volumes when there are promotions and discounts. In such events, people tend to give a lower consideration for the quality of products they purchase.

Aware of the fact that fizzy drinks are unhealthy, people blindly buy these fizzy drinks

I wish you said this idea a little bit differently;
These advertisments influence the fans of those famous cricketers to consume such fizzy drinks irrespective of their unhealthy effects.

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) necessity of child rearing programs for parents? [3]

Majority of parents find it difficult in caring for their own children owing to the influence of current life style.

This is my suggestion;
Many parents today find it difficult to handle child rearing requirements due to the fast life styles of modern society.

In this essay i ~~would like to~~ agree to the point of the need of special training programs for parents to ~~facilitate~~pay their attention towards their children.

I suggest you to express your opinion more direct.

child caring

The right word here is child "rearing" which means the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood

dumi

Jan 29, 2013

Undergraduate / Comprehending Math; recent academic challenge [6]

The most significant academic challenge has been not having someone to guide and help me understand my academic classes.

I feel "academic classes" does not deliver your idea properly. I guess what you need to say is that you didn't have anybody to help you with your studies, or simply school work;

The most significant academic challenge has been not having someone to guide and help understand my class lessons.

As a child born from a family with barely any high school graduates, education became tremendously difficult because although my Mom desired to help me, she did not know how.

... there ar some issues with this sentence. This is the rectified one:
As a child born to a family with barely having any high school graduates, seeking help for studies had been a task impossible. Although my mom was keen to offer help she did know how to.

But this challenge did not keep away me from accomplishing my goals.

It only made ~~them~~things difficult, not impossible.

dumi

Jan 28, 2013

Undergraduate / "My passion on Urban Planning" UIUC TRANSFER - Academic & Professional Goals [4]

My interest in Urban Planning was developed after my travels during my exchange year and gap year.

I feel it may sound better if you change the word organization;
The travels during my exchange and gap years advend my keen interset in Urban Planning.

Thus, I continued observing other cities' transportation systems: in Shanghai and Beijing, I was able to question in more depth and see deficiencies from various angles - from stop directions to station design.

So I continued observing transportation systems in other cities; Shanghai and Beijing. I analysed them in depth to understand their deficiencies from various aspects; from "stop directions" to station design.

UIUC, as a school has an amazing Urban Planning program, is definitely a place that I've been dreaming for to pursue my further goal in creating more efficient and aesthetically pleasing cities for people to live in. Thus, I want to hold on to this chance and apply for UIUC.

This is all what you have said about how you pursue your goals at UIUC. I wish you had expanded on it a little more cutting down a few lines from the previous paras.

dumi

Jan 28, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS : museum is for education or for entertainment? BOTH [5]

To my mind, an acceptable museum is something which satisfies both educational as well as aesthetic need of an individual, irrespective of their gender,age and believes

Well.... first, the word "aesthetic" is concerned with beauty or the appreciation of beauty. However, your prompt is about "entertainment" which really does not refer to "aesthetic appealing" direct. You need to align your writing with what is expected by the prompt and it is very important for you to earn good scores for this task.

Secondly, you talk about differences of gender, age and beliefs. However, your topic has no relavance for these issues and hence that inclusion sounds a bit irrelevant.

This is my suggestion;
In my view, museums need to satisfy both educational and entertainment requirements of individuals. ... Be more direct when expressing your opinion.

dumi

Jan 28, 2013

Undergraduate / Ability to adapt & adjust; McMaster health sci - WELL EDUCATED? [3]

"What does it mean to be well educated?" is a very simple question to ask, yet very hard to justify.

In my feeling you better consume more sentences and words for defining your perception of "being well educated". Since you have a word constraint , sentences like above should be given lower priority becuase they do not add much value to your answer in terms of ideas. Straight away tell them your view. Then tell them why you hold such a view with some personal experience. You need to have yourself in the middle, I mean you should be the focus, in this answer.