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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - Diagram - real exam question in Oct 2012 [6]

he graph below demonstrates and compares monthly temperatures and rainfall on average in the center of Kolkata.

The graph below illustrates a comparison of monthly averages of temperature and rainfall in the city of Kolkata.

Temperatures (shown as dot line) increase sharply from average temperature of 20 degrees in January to average temperature of 30 degrees in May.

Temperatures that shown in dotted line increase sharply from average 20 degrees Celsius to 30 degrees during the period from January to May.

The temperature peak in May and then goes down gradually back to 20 degrees from May to December.

The highest temperature is recorded in the month of May. Then a gradual decline can be noted until the month of December which records an average temperature of 20 degrees Celsius.
dumi   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Global Concern over Global warming & Climate change [5]

Global warming and climate change seem to be hot issues in my Agendas and are likely to be International concerns.

why do you say "in my agendas" ? .... for me, it sounds a bit odd :(

Have a look at Pahan's suggestion. You have written this whole idea in one sentence and Pahan has broken it down to two. Pahan's version reads better and clearer. So, try and avoid very lengthy sentences :)

Global warming cannot be removed suddenly

Global warming cannot be stopped over night
dumi   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing- The student behavior problem causes and solutions [6]

Juveniles tend to be indifferent to others and lack respects

.... lack respect ...not respects :)

There are various factors that contribute tothethis phenomenon.

.... "this" sounds better

Good Introduction and well presented :)

Owing to the development of mass media, youngsters today are exposed more to violent and pornographic information, which are quiteimproper for students.

..... you can also say they can have dangerous consequences.

provide approaches to inappropriate contents

provide access to inappropriate contents

It's a very well written essay; good presentation and excellent vocabulary !
You really don't have to worry about this task! Good Luck!
dumi   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Intentional tourism can promotes people to understand and respect other cultures [13]

Nowadays, many people would like to travel to other countries to experience the foreign culture.

.... experiencing other cultures is just one aspect of international tourism. There are many other such as people travel for medication, education, entertainment, participating in work related matters etc. etc. So you should not limit the purpose to one and instead you should expand on it.

I don't agree this opinion and I think people can learn and understand the other culture.

.... It is good that you declare your opinion direct, but I wish you had presented the reason why you think that way in a more convincing way ;

I don't agree that international tourism creates problems between cultures. In fact it promotes people to understand and respect other cultures.
dumi   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / past has value or no value? [5]

Human society has long history of building and developing.

This is your opening statement and therefore it is very important in forming the first impression about your essay. So it needs to be a very catchy one. However, this line sounds very vague and in fact it is bit hard to understand what you really mean. You should use this first line to get a strong entrance to your essay while keeping a good alignment with the prompt;

The history unfolds the story of the humanity; their glorious past, their downfalls, their mistakes, their uprisings and so on.
dumi   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / We create our own happiness; What Makes me Happy [3]

Happiness is the most important feeling that people can feel. oneOne essential standard for living is being able to be happy.

....both these lines mean the same and therefore they sound repetitive :(

Happiness can be found in many different forms.

.... then you should tell the reader at least a few of such forms. This sounds too abrupt.

Positive people are happy people.

.... Here the link between happiness and positive mindedness is very poorly established. I personally feel that being positive has very little to do with happiness. Positive thinking may someday lead that person to be happy, but it is not necessary that all positive thinkers are happy people all the time. For example, a man who lost his dear wife can still think and act positively for the sake of his child's future. It does not mean that he is happy or even sad.
dumi   
Dec 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Teacher plays an essential and crucial role in the mental growth of a student: TOEFL [6]

Because using "I" seems like I am superior to the readers. Looking for your reply.

Well.... your prompt says;

do you agree or disagree?

This means not only you are allowed to express your opinion direct, but in fact you should do that. Generally, it is recommended that you express your opinion direct in the introduction itself. It helps you take the reader in your desired direction of the argument. While I was preparing for TOEFL in 2010, that was the advice I received from many people who guided me. Also I secured 29/30 for TOEFL writing by following those instructions. So I would advise you to do the same : )
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS : The car has had greater effect on society than the airplane. [5]

has more far-reaching effects.

....''more far- reaching'' .... more makes far redundant. So you've got to leave out one of those words.
This time your introduction is perfect ; )
I believe that the widespread use of car, an important symbol of modernization in civilized societies, has more influence on society.

Compared with airplane, however, automobile has greater ] advantages

- --------------- you are comparing the two modes, hence you should use the comparative form.
You write very well and this essay follows a good structure. You can surely go for a very good score.
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Undergraduate / I had adventure first,explanations?Later / Common App [4]

Great editing by petemess95! Now it reads much better!
As petmess95 suggests, you should tell them what this program is about and how it impacted on you. You give more emphasis on activities you performed there but you have not talked about what you have gained from that experience. However, you have presented your experience in a very interesting way!
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Letters / R Internship; Cover letter for an internship / Finance & Business [3]

I also have a solid work history that has taught me a number of important work skills.

.... I prefer the word "sound" to "solid" ;
I also possess a sound work experience that helped me earn many important skills.

I recently undertook work experience at D, a quality tutoring service that focuses on University level students.

I recently undertook a work assignment at D, a quality tutoring service that focuses on university students.

Furthermore, I have supported and consulted in the preparation of numerous theses.

Further, I offered support and guidance in preparing them in their theses.
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Undergraduate / I belong to the gallant men of the world who move; UPENN's suplemental essay [4]

Their movement is not controlled by circumstances and neitheris it is hindered by impediments on the way.

.... I think now it sounds better : )

They are those who by intuition set their whole being to fire, full of zeal to achieve a purpose.

.... this is a strong sentence :)

As an individual belonging to the category of men that move, I motivate myself to do anything I set my heart to do.

.... you'll have a bright future!

I think you've answered it very well. You display lots of creativity in your writing and I enjoyed every line you wrote.
Wish you good luck!

dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Graduate / Graduate SOP for Phd in computational mechanics [4]

This fascination for mathematics and physics coupled with my computer skills made me take up engineering.

This fascination for mathematics and physics together with my computer skills set my direction to pursue a career in engineering.

After high school I was offered to pursue a bachelor degree in mechanical engineering at the reputed ----------. This I think was the turning point in my career.

.... don't be too descriptive; you do your bachelors after high school and it is obvious.
I did my bachelors in mechanical engineering at highly reputed uuuuuu. This was the turning point of my career.
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Undergraduate / I want to change this world; Illinois ESSAY PROMPT#1: [8]

Hi,

please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois

Well... I doubt whether you have really addressed what the prompt asks from you. You talk about your intended major and a character that influenced you, but I cannot find anything that is relevant to;

"how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major"

So ... I feel this is a bit out of topic answer.
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Letters / I still remember his glowing face!; Recommendation letter from Professor [5]

Hi,

What about rest of text.... is that OK

Well... I feel it's worth trying to improve : )

He was a special student because of his inquisitive and correlating nature to relate concepts of business with social, economic issues and ordinary citizenry. In class, he always had thought-provoking comments such as how foreign direct investment influence development in rural parts of country. Especially his grip on socioeconomic problems of Pakistan, history and politics was outstanding. I observed that he always seek out for societal aspect of most of stuff that he encountered. Sometimes; I think that he should have been in social sciences. Over the course of his stay at Institute, he had shown tremendous growth and development; this development came not only in the area of business achievements, but also in maturity and character as well.

I find this part a bit messy. It does not really reveal his skills and capabilities in a strong way. Also I don't find a good flow there. I think you don't have to be too descriptive and detailed. But what you need is to pick his strengths and tell them straight. Hope you got my point : )

Also you can refer to some of the recommendation letters that had been posted to this forum to get an idea.

dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Letters / Employer Reference Letter for Admission in Master degree [4]

It gives me great pleasure to write this letter of recommendation for Mr. xx who is the regular employee of xxxxxxxxxxx) since July 2011. We hired him to work as a Program Manager to manage Development Projects at our Regional Office in Hyderababad.

It is with great pleasure I write this letter of recommendation for Mr xx, a Program Manager at our Regional Office in Hyderababad (it is better if you introduce him by his designation without saying a regular employee) since July 2011.

During his stay at xxx he set an exceptional record in portfolio and has shown excellent managerial skills to develop, implement and manage development projects.

..... what do you mean by "exceptional record in portfolio" ?
Mr xxx showed excellent managerial and leadership skills in developing, implementing and managing development projects.
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Undergraduate / My Volunteer Experience ; feeding the hungry at a church /Common App [3]

Any opportunity to perform an act of kindness, be it large or small, thrilled me.

You are a good guy! :) Good start :)

I was able to gain experience for this by volunteering at the Emanuel Baptist Church Feed the Hungry Program.

I volunteered at the Emanuel Baptist Church Feed the Hungry Program.

During this time I assisted in preparing meels, setting tables, and greeting people at the door.

...."During this time" - no need to say because it's implied.

Each Wednesday, there would come a time when everyone was sitting down eating and all the volunteers knew that no one else would come in for a while.

I dont get your ideas in the highlighted part :(
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / Teacher plays an essential and crucial role in the mental growth of a student: TOEFL [6]

Their opinion would more or less have an impact upon on the student's view.

...."perception" is the most appropriate word here because the teacher influences the student to see things in a particular way :)

However, it is an overstatement and it depends on the method in which teachers address to their students as well as the motivation.

This line has not come right. Up to this point the flow was very good and your ideas were very clear. At this point you must express your opinion !

However, I believe that there is no such harm in expressing their political and social views to the students.
dumi   
Dec 15, 2012
Undergraduate / Boston University represents everything about this great city - WHY BOSTON? /Supp [3]

You give a candid description about Boston city and the uni, but you don't tell why and how those features you mention there attract your attention. What's their significance and importance to you?

You need to have yourself in the center when answering because they need to judge the way you perceive things.
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : criminal who send to prison would commit crimes when set free [15]

Does anyone feel this version better? Is there any effort we can put to make the introduction even better?

It's good... I'm the first person who commented on your introduction saying that it doesn't align much with the prompt. But when I read the prompt again, I understood that this prompt is somewhat a tough one that you cannot straight a way express an opinion. It deviates from the general IELTS topic pattern. So I now feel my earlier comment is not so valid in this scenario.

Anyway, you display excellent writing skills and this task would no way be a challenge for you. I suggest you to a few more topics and post your essays here. We would give our comments for them. : )
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / Most education system rely on examinations to encourage children to study,but as a re [2]

I certainly do not agree with the abolishment of examinations in several reasons

I certainly do not agree with the idea of abolishing examinations for several reasons.

The initial benefit of testing children is that it could propel the learners to study more frequent and evaluate their capacity of academic courses without other unnecessary entertaining acativities .

.... unnecessary entertaining activities? .... I think this idea really doesn't suit here... This is my suggestion;
The initial benefit of testing children at regular intervals is that it propels students to keep their knowledge up to date while enabling them to assess their progress in academic courses.
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / So here I am - I am ready to be a Carl: WHY CARLETON ? [7]

Can anyone help me make it more impressive?

Sure... we would help you improve what you write. However, you need to give a start and then post it here. You are the person who knows about you better. You actually don't have to say out of the world things if you ask yourself why you want to apply to that particular uni. You may be having certain reasons for that. You can add color and flavor to those reasons, but they need to be genuine too : )

Do a little bit of research on the unis you are going to apply and analyse how capable they are in catering to your specific requirements. Then you can start writing ... We are here to help you polish it further :)
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / Governments should focus on solving the immediate problems of today [2]

It is always a better thing to do today's work instead of planning for a big future

It is always a better thing to concentrate on present instead of planning too much for an unknown future by relying on many assumptions.

I agree with the above sentencestatement that government should focus on solving immediate problems of today rather than on trying to solve the anticipated problems of the future.

Therefore I agree with that governments should focus more on solving immediate problems rather than giving a higher priority to solve anticipated problems of the future.

A government can provide best results only when it is executing the plans as organized.

... this does not make much sense! What do you mean?
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / Toefl subject : Nowadays, spending budget on space exploration is not reasonable [4]

... spend largelybudgets for the researchingofon this subject.

In my opinion, spending the budget for space ...

Good.... you express your opinion direct! ....This is my suggestion;
In my opinion, space exploration is an important activity in respect of long term survival of humanity. Therefore, my vote goes for spending on such activities.

Many governments believe that ...

... it's not governments, but people!
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / Playing table tennis/ soccer: Activity for pleasure/ MIT question [4]

Pick one activity and stick to it. If its table tennis then say more about it. Just the fact that it helps you relax and leads to interesting conversation isn't enough.

I think thespoonguy's comment makes lots of sense. I too would suggest you to stick to one activity and tell them how you enjoy it; how it helps you as a person; how keenly you engage in this activity. You need to bring in lots of life into this answer. As it is, it does not sound so interesting. It's better if you can cite an incident or an experience and convey all your ideas through that. : )
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / Happiness is an emotional or affective state; Causes of Happiness [6]

Each person has own definition of happiness. For example, some people think that happiness comes from having a lot of money, and some think that happiness can come from simple things such having a friend.

.... Here, the word "definition" is not the most appropriate word. This is how different people perceive happiness. Therefore I suggest;
Each person perceive happiness his own way. For example, some people think it comes with money and luxury. Some believe it is the mental peace that makes one happy.

There are three causes of happiness such as being successful, eating chocolate, and being optimistic.

.... eating chocolate ?... hahaha... you must be a chocolate lover :D
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / Families today are not as close as they used to be, causes and solutions? [5]

Good Introduction :)

As a consequence, parents are spending less and less time on taking care of their children, the other partner and even his/herself alone.

.... The part in bold is a bit confusing. Up to that point it flows well :)

Another equally important reason is that many children have to leave their parents at an early age to study or work elsewhere. As time passes, they become estranged by time and distance.

.... You have very strong points .... very impressive :)

As mentioned above, lacking of the time sharing with other family's members is one of the primary reasons offor t his problem.

.... I think you can present it better. Why not say that in a more simple tone;
As already mentioned, families having less time together is one of the primary reasons for this issue.

You have very good points through out the essay. Good Job :)
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / I signed with Intellect Club; extracurricular activitieswork [4]

I am fond of sports, but I would have never imagined that love of some intellectual game would have ever replaced it.

This does not add much value for this answer and it only consumes words. ... talking about your love for sports has nothing to do with your extra curricular activity. You better insert some sentence that has more relevance to your activity.

I signed in Intellect club

I signed with Inteelect Club.

We competed in logical reasoning, which showed me how powerful a human brain can be in guessing intricate questions depending only on empty hints. Every question was from a distinctive field and original in formulation, which was very amusing and involving as well. We urged our brains to fully use their virtuosity and efficiently, leading to answers we wouldn't even think about at the begining

Why not tell all these through some event or experience that is rich enough to inform what you've said here. That would be more conceivable.
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Letters / I still remember his glowing face!; Recommendation letter from Professor [5]

Today, I am feeling pleasure to recommend one of my brilliant students for admission at your esteemed university.

It is with my great pleasure that I recommend xxxxxxx who is one of my outstanding students for admission at your esteemed university.

First time, I met with Mr. XXXX in January 2006 at the reception ceremony given to students who has topped in MBA admission test. I still remember his glowing face with proud and sense of achievement.

I first met xxxx in 2006 at the reception organized for the students who topped the MBA admission test. My first impression about him as a young enthusiastic individual with talents in abundance, remained intact up todate.
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / CONDENSING ESSAY TO 500 WORDS - becoming a nurse [3]

Here's some help for condensing : )

Although my motives for becoming a nurse haven't always been as set in place as they are now I have always, ever since I can remember, had the idea that this was the profession for me.

... anyway, this line is too long : (
Although I was not as determined as I am today that I would become a nurse, I had this idea from a very early age.

My freshmen year in college, I did really struggle in my classes and part of it being that I was so used to everything being handed to me in high school such as study guides for instant.

This sentence is very confusing... why did you struggle? your answer is not clear to us : (

I had no idea what kind of study technique to use or how to handle the workload, and my study model was inconsistent.

.... My study pressure was linked with poor time management, strategy and my inconsistence.

Thankfully, my sophomore year I had met with a counselor, who helped me figure out what kind of learner I was and how to manage my study time.

....
Fortunately, in my sophomore year, I had a counselor who helped me fix all these issues.

You have the tendency to be too descriptive... Avoid that!
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / Why can't I have my own choice? ; My personal Statement [3]

This washad been the million-times-debate that took place between my father and I about my future plans.

I guess these inclusions make your idea clearer. :)

I had already treated it as a routine because once we mentioned the keywords of future, we would have a fiercely oral "fight".

It became a part of our daily routine and with a matter of just mentioning the keywords of future, there had often been fierce verbal sessions.

I thought my father was kind of too stubborn and vice versa. Although I considered my words as strong and persuasive, there seemed no effect on changing my father's determined mind.

How about "adamant decision" ?
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : criminal who send to prison would commit crimes when set free [15]

You can write well... However, I feel you need to improve the alignment of your introduction with the prompt;

Research suggests that majority of criminal who send to prison would commit crimes when set free, what do you think of this case?

--------------- what do you think? do you think this is true? or not?
You say,

From my perspective, however, reverting to crime is rooted in several reasons, including the proliferation of mistreatment in cells, crime's trauma and criminals being dis-socialized.

This implies that you too think they revert back to criminal activities when they are set free, but it sounds vague. Why not state that more clearly? It is important to align your writing with the prompt.

However, you display excellent writing skills : )

dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / America was different from the country I came from;personal/social/family challenge [5]

In the summer of 2010, I arrived in America with my family. America was totally different from the country I came from. I was excited and enthusiastic about exploring this "New World". I set out on adventures, and the obstacles I faced as an immigrant really made this adventure more challenging.

You have only two ideas here; You migrated to USA and found it was an exciting with many adventures. However, you repeat these ideas throughout the para in different forms. That weakens your presentation. Instead what you should do is come up new ideas with each new line.
dumi   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / Champions are made from something they have deep inside them: Personal Statement [6]

My mom has always told me that my astrological sign was an ox because of my strong will. This is no clearer to me than when I first discovered my interests in art. When I first explained to my friends and family of my passion for art, I was met with apathy and discouragement. "How impractical! You should spend your time on something more useful!" In hindsight, I cannot blame them for their lack of enthusiasm - after all, at that time, I was still practicing my circles and cubes!

this is really confusing and really distracting, try to reword it to make it clearer, it's a good place to start your story.

.... I too felt the same way reymiii felt.
I agree with the comments that reymiii made. This does not give a very clear picture to the reader how your passion for art developed and nurtured.

Use more descriptive language, throw in names of colors, shades, describe your early pieces and how they've improved. Pick one moment and paint it out for the reader with words.

This is a very good advice. Reveal your passion and your committment to pursuing it through your real life experiences.
dumi   
Dec 13, 2012
Research Papers / Working Mothers and the impact on Children [2]

Women today face a dilemma when deciding ifwhether working outside of the home is the best solution for their families .

In the past, society has thought that mothers that worked outside of the home would be a detriment to the development of children.

In the past, the society regarded that mothers not being at home with their children would be detrimental to the childrens' development and growth that would result in negative consequences.
dumi   
Dec 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / I ate the candy eleven years ago but the bitterness and sweetness of life remains! [7]

"To who?"

To whom?

I think it would be easier and better had you written this in the past tense.

I too agree with Pahan.... : )

However, you've done a good job....Also if you indicate the purpose of this writing, you would recieve more relevant feedbacks. Is this regarding a college admission or just a class assignment?
dumi   
Dec 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / (Ielts practicing) - It is common to leave home countries to study at universities abroad [6]

Firstly, one underlying cause of for this phenomenon is for better courses.

This is a very good idea and I wish if you did presented it better with a little more description to give the reader its full effect;

First, one underlying reason for this phenomenon is that studying abroad generally offers better quality and more options for the students.

therefore, educatees can learn more effectively knowledge and have open minds.

educatees?... this is not a commonly used term.... I prefer "students" to that because it has more effect on your idea.

another reason, which is cited by many parents

another reason cited by many parents / another reason that is cited by many parents

Your essay is very good. You follow good structure and have very good arguments and examples.
dumi   
Dec 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / "80 points" - Different reasons as to why people attend college; TOEFL [3]

What you have written is completely out of topic. For TOEFL independent task, you need to write at least four paras and your essay should contain more than 300 words.

The four paras are; Introduction+ 1st body para +second body para +conclusion.
There are many essays you find on EF if you search by the key word TOEFL, that give you a sense about this essay structure. I suggest you to read them and get a good idea how you should construct this essay.
dumi   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / I can accomplish my research interests in Physics and Astronomy ;Oberlin Supplement! [5]

I suggest;
I want my college life to make a meaningful contribution to my future as well as the most enjoyable time in my life. Therefore my choice is a medium sized college that offers options of my research interests. This is why I find Oberlin a perfect fit for me.

I also found out I need to be in a liberal arts college because of the low student-faculty ratio as that would help me in asking about things more often.

Oberlin's low student- faculty ratio is a feature that attracts me that would enhance my opportunities to be actively involved with both academic and social engagements.
dumi   
Dec 13, 2012
Speeches / Dystopia RAFT assign. Speech writing [2]

"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy".

.... I inserted punctuation.

This said by Abraham Lincoln who is often referred to as 'The Great Emancipator', shows what ideology people have agreed for the world;

-- ----- ----- I feel some thing odd here : (
My suggestion;
...., said Abraham Lincoln who is often referred to as "the Great Emancipator". This shows what ideology people have agreed for the world;

Being a Papa Song restaurant server since I was born

... since your birth? what do mean by this?
dumi   
Dec 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) International tourism creates tensions in the host country [9]

weatherwhether it beneficial

.... Careful with your spelling : )
weather; the state of the atmosphere, climate


it may leads to tensions if not handled well.

It may lead; It leads

a foreign tourist brings some problems

foreign tourists bring / a foreign tourist brings

Tourist sometimes refused to buy things from local market.

... keep this in present tense.

Your essay displays a very good structure, good ideas and excellent flow. Pay attention to grammar issues. You can go for a very good score!

Good Luck!


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