Scholarship / 'I plan to major in biology' - Scholarship Louisville [7]

Fabulous! You did this nicely. I highlighted a few things that you may want to change- they are just suggestions. I hope you feel better about your paper now :) I wish yo the best of luck!

Scholarship / 'I plan to major in biology' - Scholarship Louisville [7]

Hi, I can try to help:

I am eager to apply my energy and passion to learn to the University of Louisville. I plan to major in biology and I believe that the biology department will help me achieve my educational goals. I aspire to be a physician...

You are off to a good start. I would elaborate on what you have already written. Say something interesting about yourself, make it personal, so that it stands out. What are you passionate about, what makes you inspired or fascinated? Is there something specific about the campus that really attracts you? It could something simple. Try to be unique, so many of these essays end up sounding generic. You are a person with a plan, briefly talk about the plan (physician) List a few things that will be "stepping stones" on your path to a successful career. Through these things, your short-term goals will be complete (here you can state a few things that you could contribute to the college) Then you can explain what a difference you will make in your community as a doctor (your long-term goal) You will be fine, don't worry- writer's block is challenging! Good luck in school :)

Essays / Health Care Availability (need to write a working thesis and outline) [5]

Hi :) I can try to come up with some ideas for your "Health Care Availability" argumentation-persuasion essay. I would choose something specific- an aspect of health care that needs to be addressed in modern society. For example- Many people cannot access prescriptions that they need because they have no health care. Many prescriptions are too costly, and a great amount of people have no way to pay for them. We know that the drug companies make an insane amount of profit from the sale of their product, and they ought to have a program for reducing the cost for uninsured people. After explaining what the paper will be about, give reasons for your argument, and make it relate to the average person. You need lots of specific examples to persuade the reader into agreeing with your ideas. Conclude with a few solid statement that encompass the most meaningful points of your essay. You can do this! Once you get the ball rolling, you will be just fine. Good luck, and when your essay is written (even partially) post it in a new thread, we are here to help :)

Undergraduate / 'looking through some old photos' - U Mich - Ann Arbor - Short Essay - Community [3]

Hi :) You have a great essay!

You only have 250 words, so use your limited space wisely. When you begin your essay with: The fifteen different Merriam Webster definitions for a 'community' include "An interacting population of various individuals in a common location." and "Persons with common history or social, economic, and political interests." Yet how can one define the word 'community', objectively?

You may be wasting space that you could be using to describe and answer the topic question. It is not a bad way to begin your essay, but you may want to consider starting it a different way.

Also, you use the word "community" too much, it sounds repetitive-- explore synonyms for this word

However, a few months ago, when I was looking through some old photos that showed me how much I've changed over time, I realized something important.

You may want to edit this sentence, it is a bit too long.

My community is the habitat I live in, whether it's my family, my peer group, my school, my soccer team, or even one of the orphanages I've visited.

I wonder: Where exactly do you live now, and which cultural heritage do you feel most influenced by?

You conclude the essay nicely, good work!

Undergraduate / 'Applying academic knowledge to reality' - WPI supplement [4]

Looks good to me. You state that all of the great things that the college has to offer will help you contribute to the community. contribute to the community is a nice way to end the essay- but is a little vague. The college wants to hear that you have a plan for life. It does not need to be totally specific, but if you can narrow it down or give an example of a career path that interests you. Short-term and long-term goals should be mentioned, it really draws the attention of the college administrators.

Writing Feedback / It is on vegetarianism? - Life, Death, and Vegetarian School Lunches [4]

Hello :)
Your essay is very interesting. The intro- the way you wrote it is a little extreme, but this is probably a good way to catch the reader's attention. It is unique, and has personality- which is a very good thing! Here are a few things that you may want to edit:

Let me start off by saying that I don't object to you if you choosea person's choice to be a vegetarian.

The school cafeteria is aimed for students to eat from, and many students do eat from the school cafeteria. This sentence is repetitive and unnecessary. Kinda stating the obvious, lol.

What would happen if you dismiss the meat selections from the school cafeteria? Very bad things would happen to the students. How about we simplify this with an example: say we have a rather deadly strain of bacteria eking out a bare existence on the grimy and desolate surface of a hand. Their mere survival is a miracle to behold. But oh heavens! Here comes some water and some soap. The hand is removed from the bacteria and the bacteria are saddened by this new development. The bacteria become very very sad and their sadness transmogrifies into anger and they starts to grow and mutate in strange and profound ways and a pandemic takes over planet Earth. Finally the bacteria overtake humans as top of the food chain.

Okay, so maybe all that about the bacteria after the part where they become saddened isn't very plausible (in both humans and bacteria). And maybe that wasn't the best of metaphors. Still, meat-eaters should be treated with respect.

This whole portion of your paper sounds silly and dramatic, keep it simple, and stick to the facts. This part of your paper is hard to read and confusing.

Another little issue lies in how we are your guinea pigs to carry out this experiment on. Omit this sentence

A quick glance at some nutritional facts and information shows that a vegetarian way of eating can allows one to intake just as many vitamins and minerals as would the meat-filled way of eating; however, this is an experiment, who knows what might happen? Don't say " who knows what might happen" Use your words wisely to support your argument.

Essays / Help with a globalisation essay (need some ideas) [4]

I have some thoughts on the subjects that you may want to explore. I think that it is almost impossible for the whole world to agree on human rights. Every culture has its own notions of the correct way to treat a human being. Many countries do not care if there are people who are poor/ suffering, enslaved, or abused. They just accept that this is how it is. Many countries seem to "sweep it under the rug." Each culture has its own set of morals, which can be based on tradition or religion. You are correct when you state the economic momentum of globalisation accentuating the gap between poor and wealthy populations. Basically, the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and in the end, the country will favor the needs of people who contribute to the wealthy society. There is so much extra money to go around, meaning that the only real solution is that the rich people share some of their money. Another thing: the trend of "going green" actually is an old tradition, because generations ago, people lived on farms and grew/raised their own food, and so on. So "green" ideas may reduce the rampant consumerism that fuels greedy people. With sustainable income, and possible reduction in use of oil and chemicals, people may live happier healthier lives. Hopefully these ideas will perpetuate. What really, idealistically needs to happen, is a change in the actual mindset of people, to care about their fellow man. People need to appreciate that every person deserves the same things, and if we realize that we, the earth, are all ONE unit, then humanitarianism could globally exist.

Writing Feedback / The Supernatural: A Rise in Entertainment [2]

Hi :)
You have written an exceptional essay- nice job! You use great critical thinking skills about your topic, and you appear to be very intelligent. You have many good points to support your thesis. I selected a few things that you may want to edit:

Therewerewasto the first book, the first was Polidori's The Vampyre, and the second one was by Lord Byron's unfinished Fragment of a Novel.

James Malcolm Rymer published Varney the Vampire,a short story type of literature. This author was the one who started the generaltraditional idea thethat vampires have fangs leaving two puncture wounds , and come through a window to attack a sleeping maiden, have hypnotic powers, and superhuman strength (Laming).

No one knew if she had a disease, or if this was the doing of a witch that is connected to future displays of witchcraft.

There are also other forms of vampire entertainment on TV that arose after Twilight came on the scene. The CW's The Vampire Diaries premiered and is doing extremely well, but was written back in the 90's. Another formexample of vampiresin the mediaentertainment is HBO's True Blood which is form a much more mature program,audienceand that is why it is on a movie subscription channel.

The real concept that a lot of people have with the supernaturalism is the appealnotion that the creatures and characters can live forever and still keep intact the human qualities of love and caring.

Therehave also has been quite a few books written about werewolves that has arise in the later nineteen seventies to the present day.

I hope this helps :)

Scholarship / 'Studying in the UK offers the chance' - Personal - MSc of Clinical Pharmacology [3]

Hi :) I will try to edit your grammar so that it is easier to read:

Being a great, qualified, and up-to-dateenthusiastic pharmacist is my dream and my goal. It took a long way time to make it happen, along with tears, sweat, and prayfaith . I started frommyeducation with a 3. 5 year advance diploma, andcontinued with 2. 5 years forof undergraduate degree studies and 1 year of a pharmacist profession program, which I am currently taking. These achievements are proof that I am eager to pursue my dream. It ishas not anbeen easy, wayfrom economical side eitherdue to the cost of education, where I covered my tuitution fees on my own.

A 9. 3 SR earthquake and great tsunami whichhad completely devastated Aceh, my hometown in 2004,and it was my turning pointthe motivating factor to get anthe best education as high as possible.

Aceh suddenly becameattracted global attention as aid came in from all over the world. I took part ofassisted in giving emergency aid by joiningworking as an administrative clerk in United Nations of World Food Program in Meulaboh, West Aceh. As a consequences forresult of this work , I took a 1 year break from my college.

Your paper is very well-done and you have and interesting story, besides these grammar issues. Try to improve on your English as best you can. Good luck in your studies :)

Undergraduate / Why are you a good fit? Union and American Questions [3]

Hi :) I can try to help with your editing:

Union College is a place that I could call home for the next four years of my life. Coming fromResiding in New Jersey , New York is only miles away. Therefore, I am completely comfortable with the surroundings of the college. The atmosphere of the campus makes me feel safe, and gives me a sense of belonging. I come from a graduating class of 170. The small size of Union makes it the perfect school to attend.transition into. It has that familiar aspect of only having around 20 students in a class. I am not only interested inattracted to the layout of campus; Union is an excellent place to study. If I am accepted to Union, I look forward to takingwill take full advantage of the undergraduate research programs . Today, employers want to see that extra effort outside of the classroom. I am the type of person that is going to work hard to achieve that recognition. Union also allows my dream of studying ecological research in Australia to come true. With all my efforts in research at Union, any employer would be happy to hire me.

The last two sentences in this essay could use editing: You should mention your main interest of a major (ecological research) earlier in the essay. Also " happy to hire me." sounds too casual- you could say: "With a ____ degree from Union, I will have the skills and education needed to acquire an exciting career."

Essays / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - AP exam [5]

Hi :) I really like where your paper is headed, you have the basis for an intelligent essay.

Its true, you are already making some very good points. I bet kids in schools that require a uniform don't have to worry as much about conforming to dress "normal." More than anything else, the media fuels our desire to be like everyone else- because the media subliminally causes people to feel a certain way. Through advertising, the messages are: "you need the best television, phone, ipod, etc." Images of adorable children or puppy dogs make people feel safe and secure with the product that is advertised. Go to the mall- everywhere you go- you see similar clothes in storefronts, which they tell us is "in style." Many people are like sheep, easily herded in to a group that wants to look the same. All they care about is fitting in, and "keeping up with the Jones's"

I think you really have something to go on, this topic can definitely make a great essay. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Essay describing my personality and decisions - Grad School Essay. [5]

Hi :) Excellent topic to write about! You probably should choose which of the two you favor. I would favor being my own boss, but that is my personal preference. You can state reasons why it may benefit a person to NOT be their own boss. Then state reasons why being your own boss would be better. You can argue a little stronger for your preference, and focus on your preference during the conclusion. Wrap it up by saying that while either choice is fine, you prefer...

I hope this helps! Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'the final dress rehearsal for Monty Python Does Saigon' - Macalester international [2]

Hi :) I will try to help:

I took my first ESL lesson at the age of 9. I grew up listening to Britney Spears. For a long time, being Americanized was my pride as a girl whose childhood dream was to study in the US. I was confident of my language ability to speak English, and my understanding of the Western culture. There was one thing, however, that I was slacking off on. lacking, timeliness.

Where I was supposed to be wasat the final dress rehearsal for Monty Python Does Saigon.

You switch "tense" from past to present to past here: I will fix it.
Besides the fact that it iswas the only non-profit theater club in my city, what fascinatingwas unique about Saigon Players arewas its members. Coming from all around the world, this merry gang iswas quite a diverse bunch.

As I walked on stage to rehearse my part, I could not help but feel upset and confused.

Whatever problems they had with me would just have to wait. You could omit this sentence.

We did a couple final run-throughs and everyone looked relieved that I had stopped making mistakes. "Run-throughs" sounds odd, choose a different word.

Nice work, your story is very interesting, good luck in school ;)

Undergraduate / 'my passion is trying to find my passion' - Common app essay [2]

Wow! Your essay is very well written- outstanding actually. You make it very clear that you have great passion for life and excel at many things that you love to do. If I were you, I would add in a sentence about the college you are applying to, explain how that particular school can assist you in your journey of life. You present the college with your plan (to find passion)...but you may want to add a reason why college will be a "stepping stone" in your long term goals. You may want to briefly state what interests you about college as well (unless you have done this in another essay on the same app) but it does look good when you write about the college itself. Good luck to you, and congrats on your achievements!

Undergraduate / 'experiences with various cultures' - Penn State Personal [6]

Hi :) As you requested, I will be happy to look over your paper.

I would add more detail to the introduction, you repeat yourself several times in that paragraph (you say the same thing but in different words about 3 times) Point out a few things that stand out in regards to your high school experience. Once you say it is a multicultural school, continue by expanding on this idea. What was it about your school experience that makes you desire having many different people around you? Your grammar needs a little work. You say the word "qualities" too much. It may sound better if you add in one more reason that you would be so happy to attend the school, say something about the school itself that makes you attracted to it. Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / 'going back to university' - If you could go back to sometime and place in the past [3]

Hi :) I can help edit your grammar for you: (I will do the first couple of paragraphs)

All around the world,If given the chance, almost everyoneanybody would want to go back into the past to complete dreams and resolve errors change mistakes which they had committed. If I could to go back in time ,I would like to go to my university and study period. That was a time when which had various fundamental effects on people's livesbecause offor many reasons.

My first reason is that this time is very vital years forin a person's lifeis essential to findlearning skillsthe right way consideringregarding education and work. At this time, people can improve their knowledge and experiencesin order to have afor having superb future. If I was back in that time of my life , I would make extra effort and hard work harder to achieve moreimprovements in my education and qualifications for my beloved job. I had I will so glad if anybody reads my essay and corrects it :)

You have many great points for your paper. You display maturity in your ideas. Your grammar needs a lot of work. Keep working on editing your grammar, and your essay will be fine! I wish you the best of luck :)

Writing Feedback / The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women [2]

The below chart compares the hours of leisure time in a different weekstypical week between men and women, alongsidein various situation of their employment status in the years of 1998 to 1999.

As weyou can see, men who were employed full time spent a little more time than women for leisure time. This amount is about 45 hours in a week, but forcompared to women iswho had about 40 hours of leisure time.In part-time situation men who worked part-timehad no time forreported no leisure time, but women who worked part-time spent 40 hours a week for leisure time. There isThe same result exists in unemployed and retired situationpeople . In both of themscenarios, men spent more hours than women time foron leisure time. Approximately , men who are not working or retired spent 85 hours and women spent near tonearly 80 hours. This is exactly two more than when they were full time employed full-time. In the at least just female were housewives on that year, so they spent around 45 hours for leisure time.

It is clearly that in same situation for men and women in 1998-1990 men had more leisure time, also part-time job and housewives were just for women.

Your last two sentences don't make sense, I would be more clear about the facts you are stating. Wrap things up in a clear, understandable way. Continue to edit your grammar. I hope this helps! Have a great night :)

Writing Feedback / 'children are free' - TOEFL- the happiest time of a person's life. [3]

Hi :) I can point out a few things that need work:

You hardly ever can find a person who says that he or she had unpleasant childhood.
This is a very strong statement to make, not sure if it is a good idea to start out by saying this. What if the person reading the paper had a terrible childhood, or some people who are very negative will only remember the bad parts of being a child. To be safe, you may want to phrase it like this: "There are many people who will say they had a wonderful childhood experience."

When individuals reminisce their memories they absolutely infer to some of their childhood events. As much as their events might were bitter, in their adulthood they are sweet.

These two sentences are confusing. I know what you mean- you are saying that some people's best memories are from their childhood. Be more clear when you write these things- the are very important points to make.

In this paragraph, there are a few things that I would edit:
In the first place, children are free to do whatever they want to do,they are not restricted and their limitation are really rare.without limitations and restrictions. Because they are in the age of growth andgrowing, they are allowed whatever they want to do to experience new stuffsthings everyday. . Therefore there is no argument and punishment for them.

The last sentence doesn't make sense- most children are at least guided by some discipline. You are making some really great points in your paper though. Keep focused on the reason you are writing the paper- make strong arguments and don't repeat yourself, use your words wisely, edit your grammar. You can do it! Good luck to you!

Undergraduate / 'The girls my age went to adult clubs' - skills or knowledge [3]

Hi, I can try to help you :)

I step out of my uncle's 1996 red Dodge Ram truck; happy to be out of the dangerous, unpaved, bumpy road. Nice opening statement!
You could say this: "As I step out of my uncle's 1996 red Dodge Ram truck; I am happy to be outoff of the dangerous, unpaved, bumpy road."

I love how descriptive your introduction is. This part here sounds funny: ...children running around shirtless and shoeless "shoeless" is not a word- you could omit this word, or say "...children running without shirts and shoes." or say, "...children running around in only shorts."

... into an opaque hopeless world of black and white. "opaque" sounds odd here, try a synonym for this word, like "dull"

That was nearly four years ago; my uncle offered to take my brothers and meI to the Dominican Republic to spend thestay there for the summer.

However, I enjoyed learning about my culture. My experience was extremely engaging.
Combine these two statements into one sentence. "My experience was quite engaging, and I enjoyed learning about my culture."

The families were so impoverished that they could not afford shoes for their children; they did not own cars, so they drove around in mopeds instead.

Simplify this sentence. It is a little long and wordy.

You have an excellent paper here, all you need to do is edit your grammar a bit, and your story is very interesting! Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'hands are still holding the margin of the pool' significant experience, its impact [2]

Hi, I can help with a few things:

"Relax! Folks, don't be afraid. Your hands are still holding the marginedge of the pool," my swimming coach said to us, "try to breath beneath the water and float on the water at the same time" Great! I successfully did what he had just saidinstructed ; I am floating, hurray! I did feelfelt like I had some talent in swimming. "Good job! Then stop touching the edge of the pool and remain floating and breathing," my coach added.

That was the most dangerous instruction I had ever heard. This sentence sounds confusing. You mean to say that was the scariest lesson for you to learn?

The water was so deep that my legs couldn't touch [i]the bottom. I thought that if I got my hands loosenlet go , I would probably be swallowed by water, get drowned; ; my lungs would be filled with water , and I would diedrown . My hands were shivering. [/i]

I glimpsedglanced around; all others had already done that.all of the other swimmers had done it .

Undergraduate / 'becoming a Hokie is my first choice' - Virgnia [5]

Hi :)

Your essay sounds good to me, although a bit ordinary. You asked about the intro-- it does sound kind of generic. You may want to re-word the beginning to give the paper more personality. Choose something specific about the campus that you liked best, and be descriptive.

I immediately noticed the abundance of cultural diversity, which I value because interacting with different kinds of people enriches my understanding of the world.
This is a run-on sentence, sounds like rambling a little, just split this long sentence into two clear, simple statements-- it would be easier to read that way.

If I walk onto campus with a specific preconception of what I'm supposed to do, I'll only be selling myself short of a true college experience.

Not true, omit this sentence and use the space to write something else, emphasize how college will help your plan for life.

While I am undecided about my major, I have decided that I want to be a military officer when I graduate from college. With this motivation, I see the Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets as a gateway to my future. I want to be part of VTCC and go through all four years at VT as a Cadet. VT's reputation stands above any other school I am considering, which is why becoming a Hokie is my first choice."

Excellent! THIS is the most important part of your essay, build on this idea, make it the focus of your paper. The college wants to hear about your long-term goals. Nice job with your paper, I hope my suggestions are of some help :)

Undergraduate / (Future Farmer of America / Military training) - Transfer [3]

Hi, I can try to help make your grammar sound better :)

I fed goats, watched FFA(Future Farmer of America) competition of pigs and roosters, and taught the Chinese language to people at the church.

Upon my return from the US, I came to realize having an international background can bemore competitivean advantage in the future.

After studying for two years in SWUFE, I can briefly tellexplain how I will study throughduring the next two years.

Sometimes, Chinese education can behas a lack of creativity and real-life practice.

I believe University of Delaware can compensate this weakness. Omit this sentence, say the same thing, but use different words.

Undergraduate / 'Education cannot be taken from you' - HOWARD PERSONAL STATEMENT [4]

Hi :) Nice work on your paper, you write well, and sound intelligent and mature.
I can help with a few things:

My grandfather, an educator for over 30 years, has always told me that your education is one thing that cannot be taken from you.
Excellent beginning to your paper. you may want to change this: you say "educator, education" in one sentence-- find a synonym to replace one of the education words.

Since my mother had me at 17, my grandparents stepped in to raise me while she went to college to pursue her undergraduate degree and then on to earn her master's degree. Wow! '"since...had me" --you may want to change the way you say this phrase.

As a child, I was able towatched my mom make the difficult sacrifice of leaving me in the capable hands of her parents, so that she could achieve her educational goals and provide a promising future for me.

As an ambassador for my high school and community while reigning as Miss Pebblebrook , I sought to find the qualities of an effective leader.
"I sought to find..." could sound better if it was re-phrased... maybe "I was confident that I could learn the qualities of effective leadership."

Nice paper, I hope these things help. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'the last United Way meeting' - Georgetown General [3]

Hi, I can point out a few thing yo may want to edit:

I had convinced my friends to sign up for the project because I was tired of volunteering at the Scholastic Book Fair, not realizing the impact the project would have on me. Maybe you should re-word this sentence-- "because I was tired..." could be re-phrased to sound more positive.

Nice description in your introduction, good job with this.

We all ate a quick but very delicious breakfast full of good food and orange juice and began to work. "We all..." --you could change these words to sound less casual.

I took a wheel barrel and a shovel, and made my way to the parking lot, while others worked on other parts of the building. You say the word "other" twice in one sentence, consider a synonym for this word.

Members of the community floodedin to lend a helping hand and an intimidating man who stood about six foot four inches tall with tattoos down his arms had decided to assist me in shoveling a foot of dirt that concealed the pavement below. You could say "converged" instead of "flooded in". Also, it would sound better if you say these things in 2 sentences instead of one.

Taking what I have learned from this experience I could become very involved by organizing and participating in activities such as volunteering in areas of Washington, D.C. or just having a meet and greet so students can interact with each other, become friends, and make connections in the diverse community that is Georgetown University. This sentence would be easier to read if it was broken up into a few simpler sentences.

You have a very good paper, interesting topic. Very descriptive.

Scholarship / Education and career plans - Starting an essay of 300 words for a scholarship [6]

Emphasize the fact that you are a person with a plan. Lay out on paper-- all of your short-term and long-term goals in regards to education and career. Let your personality show through your words. Explain how this scholarship will be a stepping stone to help your reach your goals in school. Be sure to sound interesting and enthusiastic, try not to sound cliche or generic (for ex. "the college of my dreams"-- stuff like this sounds corny) Please post your essay when you have it, there are many of us who are willing to review it! Good luck!

Graduate / 'The best minds of India study Technology and Research' SOP Automotive Engineering. [2]

I have this curiosity and thirst for knowledge in me. Find a synonym for curiosity- you don't want to repeat the same word twice so closely together.

MyI have been interested in machines has been right fromsince my childhood.

Four years of rigorous training in Mechanical Engineering from this college where the acceptance ratio is 1.61 has fortified my analytical and reasoning skills and introduced me to a multitude of topics ranging from the very basics of Basic thermodynamics and Kinematics to more advanced courses such as Manufacturing Process, Automotive Engineering etc.

This sentence is way to long. Try to write these things in shorter, simpler sentences.

Right from the inception, I had a predilection for the practical aspects of the curriculum. You are using some big words here that are uncommon, simplify to make this easier to read.

This project has given me a great exposure in the field of design and most importantly the method of interpreting the results in to drawings of the parts of the turbine.

This sentence is a bit long and wordy.

Keep editing a little more, your paper is well-done. You have a lot to say and a very interesting story. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Play-Doh to plato' - UChicago.. Play -Doh's prespective [8]

My touch is soft, moist and smooth but not sticky .

My smellis wonderful, just the perfect combination between salty and sweet.

I can bring back memories of long lost childhood full imagination and creation. I can be the best past time.
You could say this: "I can be the best pass time, and bring back memories of long lost childhood full imagination and creation."

My shape can be transformed into anything imaginable, although many times people just use me to replicate objects already in existence.

But of course, instead of making me look exactly like those things look , my shape takes liberties and changes colors, sizes and almost everything.

Continue to work on your grammar, you have some really good ideas!

Writing Feedback / (Television's Impact on children) my essay [3]

Nice work, great critical thinking. You have many good points for positive and negative reasons. A couple things you listed under positive- i think you mistakenly listed a few negatives under the positives. Double-check these.

Here is a sentence you could fix:
...they may weak their eye-sight at young age.
"...their eye-sight could weaken at an early age." You could say it like this.

Good job. You will turn all of these points into sentences, right? I can imagine that is how the essay is to be structured. If you re-do your paper, post it again, and I will try to edit that for you. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'friend told me about the nursing home' - Common App Short Answer [2]

Hi :) Nice job!

Your first sentence needs work:
A friend told me about the nursing home giving volunteer hours for doing practically nothing. This sounds confusing. State this more clearly.

You are envious of your friend's easy volunteer work? It is a choice, after all (right?) Err, maybe some schools require volunteer work. I would re-word this a bit, I know what you are saying, but emphasize what made you want to do this kind of work.

You paint a small picture of one day, thursday, with the kids-- you tell the story of the day in a very straightforward way- good. It needs more though, another sentence or two could "beef it up."

I cannot find any grammar errors, so you are doing fine in that area, just add more to your paper (if you can)
Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / U Chicago-- Third thing between living and dreaming [2]

Wow! You have a very well-written paper here. Nice critical thinking, you sound mature and educated. I cannot find any grammatical errors.

I would work on your conclusion a bit more, "tie in" your introduction, mention the dreaming. I think that would make your paper perfect.

Great job!

Undergraduate / 'Rocky Horror' - Pomona Supplement Essay - what i do for fun [3]

Awesome! What a great subject to choose, you have good writing skills. I wonder one thing: the theater that you went to-- it was a fancy theater?

You say ...surrounded by ladies in evening gowns and splendidly tuxedoed men.
I, as the reader, wonder why they were dressed up so fancy. It must be a theater with different stages and different shows...in my area Rocky Horror is typically shown in a movie theater with a stage in front of it.

We transformed into previously unknown beings able to hold our own with Dr. Frank-N-Furter, Magenta, and Riff Raff; we became the aliens.
This sounds funny, you may want to re-phrase this sentence-- unknown beings?

We were assaulted, violated, horrified, set on fire and in love.
You may want to change the words to "tone it down" in this sentence- it sounds harsh (I know what they do at Rocky!) But assaulted, violated... I don't know about that.

...despair at the knowledge that never again would I be able to live this night with all of its happenings. Sure, we all agreed that a midnight showing was needed, but it would never be exactly how that night was. Don't end the sentence in "was" and you basically repeat yourself in these sentences.

For your final sentence, try this:

It is all right though, because even though that night is over , never to be recreated,I now have a visionthe hope andchallenge of an even better night to come.

At the end, you may want to "sprinkle on" one more Rocky reference, to add character to the paper. High Five! Excellent topic (congrats on losing your Rocky V)

Undergraduate / 'shine brighter in Mexico' - Cornell supplement (Arts and Sciences essay question) [3]

Here are a few things you could do:

I noticed that the sun seemed to shine brighter in the heart of Mexico, as I squinted my eyes against the intense brightness of the midday sun.

Brighter...then brightness.. all in one sentence sounds repetitive.

I was standing in the ancient city of Teotihuacan and I could see why the ancient indigenous peoples of Mexico called it "The City of the Gods".

Excellent. Consider changing the phrase: "I could see why..."

The awe-inspiring Pyramid of the Sun dominated the surrounding landscape for miles around.
Expand on this: give more description, "awe-inspiring"-- try a synonym for this, tell the reader more info about that pyramid, in another sentence or two. Maybe you shouldn't end the sentence in "around"

I was twelve at the time and that moment sparked in me a life long love for history. Try to create a transition to this sentence, connecting the description of the pyramid to your love of the cultural history.

While in history class it was if I wasn't even in school. I got lost in the discussions and time seemed to fly by. It always fascinated me the extent to which past civilizations have influenced us. History continues to excite me because it is possible that any one single finding could have the potential to rock the very foundation of modern man's perception of the chronicle of humanity.

These few sentences are very important, this is the "meat" of your essay. I would re-phrase some of these sentences to make them easier to read ( it sounds like rambing a little).

Improve on your conclusion, it is good, but be sure to not sound generic.
These skills will provide me with what I need to widen my knowledge of history and give me a fresh point of view to see it from.

These skills will provide you with the knowledge and confidence to achieve (insert your long-term goal here) The college really wants to hear that you have a plan in life, speak of that as you tell your story. Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / Improving standards of living of developing countries through education? [2]

Hi I would like to review your essay:

I cannot totally agree that education is the only way for developing countries to improve their standards of living. Undoubtedly, education plays a crucial role both in the society and in the economy of any country. However, there are also several aspects which influence on development of the third world countries.

Excellent! This is a very intelligent inference.

A lot of economists and scientist claim that economical and social well-being of any state depend on education, rooting out corruption, state of peace and good diplomatic relations with other countries.

You have a good point- you could make two sentences out of this one really long one. Right here- rooting out corruption, state of peace and good diplomatic relations with other countries. You are a bit vague, these examples seem random, and "rooting out" sound odd. Re-word this and it will sound better.

Almost 99 per cent of adult and working-age population is literate and numerate.
You should make it more clear that this sentence refers to the soviet.

Nevertheless, one of the highest educational standards , most population of these countries hardly make ends meet and the minimum subsistence level is low.
Continue to make strong examples to support your example of the soviet. However, do not let this example consume your paper, tie these ideas in to the USA or any other country.

To summarize, education is a key factor which can stimulate the development of any country but at the same time there must be any wars, corruption must be uprooted, and good diplomatic relations must be settled.

This does not make sense, be sure to "wrap up" your paper with a strong, satisfying, conclusion. You don't need to say "To summarize"

Nice work, try to fix it up a bit, i hope that I helped by pointing out these things. good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Asian Families, Pomegranates, and Bumper Stickers' - Common App [4]

Awesome paper! You have great writing skill, you must be a natural!

The best line is right here:
Naturally, my mind first shifted toward distant American historical figures such as Rosa Parks or Elizabeth Cady Stanton, women who contributed to social progress with their refusal to give in to oppressive societal paradigms.

Fabulous! Great Point!

However, as my thought process developed, it occurred to me that this concept was much more local than I had presumed; in fact, I felt that it seemed to explain why I often feel like a walking anomaly with my overly animated personality alongside my bookish habits.

Change the phrase "as my thought process developed" you could say: "As these ideas developed..."
Also, this sentence is quite long and wordy-- split it up into two shorter ones.
You make very nice transitions from one thought to another, making your paper easy to read, and your words flow nicely. Good job on this essay. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Research and Language-Notre Dame [2]

I will try to help :)

You have 150 words. Take a risk.

As a child, I learned the Bengali, Arabic, and English alphabets - 104 letters in all. Awesome! Play that up if you can. 104 letter in all? I am confused by that- be more specific.

I was not only drawn to the scripts of my native language Bengali, but to those of Arabic and English as well. You were drawn to them? I wonder if you were self taught, or were you encouraged to seek education in these subjects? Are you a natural at languages, or is the subject something that you worked hard to master?

On my way to America through Dubai and Amsterdam, I realized the true importance of language in an increasingly diverse world. In Dubai, I was able to communicate vaguely in Arabic, but in Amsterdam, I was baffled as I spoke no Dutch and my heavily accented English was completely incoherent. Maybe you could shorten this part, its a little distracting to the rest of the essay. Speak of Dubai and Amsterdam briefly, them move on, remember the purpose is to write while taking a risk.

I really love languages. (Is that what you are saying in arabic?) i am not sure if that will show up, but its worth a shot. It is a very simple phrase though. With your paper, i think the college kind of wants you to go out on a limb- so try to make it more interesting, a perfect reflection of your personality. This is a tough paper to write, you have done nicely, these are just some suggestions, should you choose to improve on this essay. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / 'A Korean minority in boarding school' - common app [5]

Very good work, you write well. The introduction is great and I would not suggest any changes to that part of your paper.

Being a minority in boarding school in West Virginia, I was desperate to fit somewhere. "desperate to fit somewhere" could be worded differently to sound better.

I firmly believed that to be accepted by an American, I had to act like an American. You make a good point.

At first, since I was used to an artificial conversation,... Use the word "superficial" instead of artificial perhaps.

Your conclusion is fantastic, impressive. You appear to be a mature, intelligent person who knows herself very well. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'The Perks of Being Literate and Self-Honesty' - PERSONAL ESSAY [13]

Hi I will point out a few things that could sound better:

:timidity: This word seems to not fit with your description, or you could choose a different word, but continue with that topic and idea. I like the way you describe your "shell" but I'd like to know a little more about your personality- use a few stronger words to emphasize your personality.

And it wasn't like I couldn't ask someone for help; the only problem was there was not an ounce of courage or confidence in me capable of doing so.

This may sound better: "I could have asked for help, but..."

But then, I discovered The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, Excellent point! Here is the focus of the entire essay- how your ideas/personality changed, and you transformed.

To sum it up,
saying this is unnecessary

Nice essay, very interesting, good luck in school!

Undergraduate / The true rudeness of a scoff - Amherst Essay [4]

Hi :) I can try to help with a few things:

Let's just say, having hope was one thing, applying it was another. I would say this idea in a different way. The wording sounds a little bumpy.

Excellent description of the moment you realized you had not prepared the homework required, i can really imagine how you felt.

But although I had trouble with the course and teacher, I was foreign and foreigners are stereotypically great at mathematics. It might sound better if you did not use the stereotyping part, maybe say it is part of your culture to excel at math, but don't make it sound like your ethnicity is the only reason you did well. You must have studied hard, even though you are a natural at math.

I am guessing that you ought to head the paper with the prompt question, but i am not positive. It seems to make sense, because without the prompt, how will they know which question you are answering?

Undergraduate / Standford roommate essay! I want to be done today so let me know what you think. [4]

Nice job! I am imagining myself as your potential roommate, and I would imagine a very interesting person! You sound like an easy-going, cool person with many interests. i like the way you explain your flaw, of being late. Maybe you should tell your roommate why you chose that particular college, besides the sailing club. Your personality really shows through and you sound very enthusiastic. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "Failure is not an option"; Stanford Intellectual Vitality [4]

Growing up, I heard the phrase "Failure is not an option" and consistently tried to stay away from it. You may want to open with something more solid, the sentence seems a bit vague. I wonder what you mean when you say you tried to stay away from it... you wanted to stay away from the phrase, failure, or..? Not totally sure what you mean. I would clear that up.

This seemingly catastrophic experience... Sounds a little dramatic. You have the right idea though, your paper is organized well, although it could be improved to sound more mature. With a little work, your essay will be terrific!