Writing Feedback / 'Better future but lost family?' - advantages and disadvantages of studying aboard [4]

Hi, The essay looks good. I have some suggestions that u can find them below:


do not copy the topic


What is the difference between this sentence and the previous one. Do not repeat the ideas.


this sentence is too long. Therefore, I deleted some parts of it with intent to make it shorter.

In the same way, they will able to speak the language more confidently and fluently ---->This statement is not different from the previous sentence; Repetition!!!


dependable or undependable??


When you use "Finally" it means that this is the final paragraph. It would be better to say "the last/final positive aspect", for example.


Give an example to support what you claimed here. How do they learn to be independent of their parents? How does living abroad may influence the students' character?

to leave their families

Add a conclusion at the end of each paragraph in the body.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People migrating to cities causing problems? [9]

Hi, the essay is really fluent, with good vocabulary and complex sentences. The organization of the essay is great, as well. I just have some suggestions that I hope be useful:


What types of difficulties. Are they social problems? I think it would be better to make this point clear.

that is why measures should be taken to make the countrysidesa more appealing places(you are not talking about a specific countryside. So, I think, you should use plural words) .

they will move out of the cities


A conclusion should consists of what you stated in the essay and gives a summary. It would be better to reword the topic at first. The essay is not about the problems which may be arisen from the migration, but it is about the causes of the migration, as you mentioned in the second paragraph, and the solutions for the reduction of that, as u stated in the third paragraph. Do not open a new discussion in the conclusion.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS-drug use in children (parents should be more attentive to their children) [2]

The structure of the body is not appropriate. The topic asked you to write about "causes", "effects", and "solutions". First of all, you did not say any thing about the "causes" except a short sentence in the introduction. Second of all, for writing the "effects" and "solutions" you have two ways :1) write an "effect" and suggest a "solution" in one paragraph, and repeat this structure for another paragraph in the body. 2) Write "effects" in one paragraph and allocate another paragraph to "solutions". Therefore, you can organize your essay as follows: [for writing the body you can choose (B-1) or (B-2)]

A) introduction
B) body
B-1) first paragraph (one cause and its effect; then suggest a solution)
second para. (second cause and its effect, and then give a solution)
B-2) first paragraph of the body (causes and their effects)
second para. (solutions)
C) conclusion

[This is not a good conclusion. You should reword the topic at first, then write a clincher (ending statement)] Analyzing the aforementioned information I want to recapitulate that parents should be more attentive to their children because the upbringing which is given in childhood can affect to their future life.

Writing Feedback / Go out to work (both parents have to work nowadays) [12]


In a conclusion, before stating your opinion, you should reword the topic or the first paragraph.

This essay may get the band score of 6.5 because of the vocabulary used in it. "Lexical resource" is a very important criterion for getting a good score in the IELTS test. In this work u did not use enough strong words. In addition, try to use a wide range of grammatical structures if you want to get a band score over 7.

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / Introduction - ASP 100-GRND: Skills for Success [2]

Hi,
The introduction is good, but there are two points that I'd like to mention them : 1) do not write the years in words. When you write 2005, for instance, it will be easier for a reader to read it as compared to "two thousands and five". 2) Try to write about your professional experience in more detail and the things that you could learn from that experience. Talk more about your passion for studying. Why do you like to study and what thing encouraged you to continue the study in a university after working for several years (Elaborate this part. What you stated is too short)?

Regards
Ahmad

Dissertations / need a guide on writing theses proposal on informal sector [4]

Hi,
For writing a proposal I suggest you to write it according to API standards. I wrote the outline which is based on this standard below:

1. Introduction :Give a general background about the research.
2. Review of the Literature: Write the recent related researches and mention their results briefly (state the references)
3. Statement of the problem: Write about the problem or the aim of the research.
3.1 Research questions: Write some questions that you want to answer them through your research.
4. Methodology: Write about gathering information and the ways that you are going to do the research with.
4.1 Data analysis: Write about the special tests, software, questionnaires, etc.
5. Significance of the Study: Write about the main goal of the study and mention why it is important. In addition, you should write about the novelty of the work

6. References (Sort them Alphabetically)

Hope this helps
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'The exploration and development of safe alternative to fossile fuels' -My IELTS [10]


Indeed, the use of "arise" in this context is better. Thank you so much for your suggestion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS：Modern community life [7]

1. Is it necessary to use firstly, secondly instead of first, second?
The use of "firstly" in academic writing is better than "first" because it is more formal. However, there are several opinions about the words "first" and "firstly". some believe that "first" is more suitable because the usage of "ly" is not necessary. Some others think that "firstly" is correct, and a group of linguistics believe that both are true.

2. Although non-optimistic the situation current is, plenty of improvement is being made at the moment.
Microsoft word always reported an grammar error at comma, but I didn't quite get it.
In many cases the MS word makes mistake. I think you need a comma in this sentence because of the word "Although". The use of this word means that you are going to write a sentence with two parts, at which one part is in contrast to another one. Therefore, you should use a comma between these two parts to separate them.

3. The solution of the problem was given in last paragraph, should I also mention it in second paragraph where I analyzed the issue cause ?
I think if you write the causes of a problem and its solutions separately, the essay would be more fluent and the organization would be more appropriate. If you discuss causes and solutions together, the paragraph will become too long and may make it confusing.

Writing Feedback / "The function of university" ielts writing [6]

Yes, you are right and it is possible to consider the topic as an "agree or disagree" one, but a candidate should be more cautious in this kind of topic. I suggest the following organization:

1) Introduction
2) Discuss the first viewpoint
3) discuss the second viewpoint
4) compare the the views and give your opinion. In this way u can say you prefer which one and why.
5) conclusion

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / LIFE IN A BIG CITY (disadvantages) [6]

Modern cities such as New York, London, Mexico,etc are optimal places

However, life in an advanced society is not that easy as some people expect("think" is a better word in this context)

.In reality, it has some certain disadvantages, including the people(what do you mean? the word "people" is not clear)) , transportation and accomm odation.

One problems that urban residents daily encounter daily

Because thounsands of people rely on it to reach their destinations such as schools, universities, shopping centers and offices everyday, it can have an significant effect on their lifelives

At the end of each paragraph write a conclusion (reword the topic sentence) for providing a summery of the paragraph.

Another disadvantage exists in a big citiy is the indifferent attitude of its inhabitants ----> Suggestion :"Pluralism can be considered as another negative factor in overpopulated, big cities. In a large city at which various cultures shape the society, some social problems may be created."


it would be better to give an example here and compare the price of housing in a big and small city.


How it may impact the standard of life. Try to support what you mention in the body. In addition, as I told you above, each paragraph needs a conclusion.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Alternative forms of transport and international laws on controlling automobiles are necessary [4]


I had a typo error in this sentence. "Automobiles are known..."

Writing Feedback / IELTS：Modern community life [7]

In the contemporary society..


U stated this in the first sentence. Do not repeat your ideas.

community activity is playsing a less important role in citizens' social liveslife these days compared with thatin the distant past


It would be better to move these questions to the last part of the introduction because you want to answer these questions in the body. If you ask such questions as the last part of the introduction, and answer them in the body, the coherency of the essay will improve. In fact, in this way u can connect the introduction to boy.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "The function of university" ielts writing [6]


This introduction is too short and gives no information about the main idea of the essay and what you want to discuss in the body. The structure of an introduction should be like what I wrote below:

1) Motivator or General background: Write an attractive sentence at the beginning, which can be a "question", "quotation", "story", "attractive statistic", etc.

2) Reword the topic: In this part you should restate the main idea of the topic (For example: two opposite views)
3) Give your opinion
4) Blueprint: The reasons of your viewpoint and what you want to argue in the body

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"Teachers should take courses or training to upgrade" [4]

and teachers are the most important person(u should use a plural word here)

...after parents to makeshape the kids' thoughts, attitudes toward various facets of life, and their capability in different subjectscareer


How and in which way one generation is superior to another one. U should explain it for connecting it to the next sentence that u want to talk about teachers training.

U used the word "upgrade" for several times. try to use another word.

Regards
Ahmad

Graduate / Masters in molecular biology and biotechnology (career goals essay start?) [3]

Hi,
A "SOP" should consists of your education and professional backgrounds. You should also write about the university that u want to apply for, and the research area that you are going to work on. You should write why u chose this university and how you became familiar with this place. There are lots of websites that u can get great hints for writing a good SOP, just google the expression "statement of purpose".

Regards
Ahmad

Grammar, Usage / Help with Comma Usage and ING verbs [4]

Hi,
The sentences need no comma. In fact, the statement "limiting her ability to get a full night's sleep" is a part of the sentence and it is not an additional information. A comma should be used when some additional information is added to a sentence. For more information about this question you should study the concepts of "defining clause" and "non-defining clause".

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'UK student income during ten-year period' - IELTS table [5]


The first "you" in this sentence was a typo error :DD. I am sorry :)). I wanted to write :"I recommend .."

Writing Feedback / Essay on iImportance of electricity in people's daily routine [4]


The use of "first", "second", sounds cliche, even though many teachers recommend such words. In fact, these words are recommended because students can use them easily. But, I think, each paragraph should start with an attractive topic sentence. Much similar to an introduction, the first sentence of a paragraph in the body should be interesting and it should consist of a general idea and a main idea. For writing a topic sentence u do not need to write "to begin with", "first", etc. For example :"The energy of electricity is known as the driving force of an extensive range of industries.". U can use this topic sentence for the first paragraph of the body. The general idea of this topic sentence is "The energy of electricity" and the main idea is "industries".

Indeed, different people have different writing styles and what I said was just a suggestion.

Hope this answers the question

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'UK student income during ten-year period' - IELTS table [5]

You're very welcome. You recommend you to rewrite this work and put it here again. By the way, pleas feel free call me Ahmad :)

Writing Feedback / Essay on iImportance of electricity in people's daily routine [4]


It would be better to start the introduction with a motivator. The use of "first" at the beginning is not appropriate.

a lot ofnumerous of equipmentshashave been invented, including computers, subways, bulbs,etc ...(After "etc u should not write "...". in addition, you should not use "..." in writing.

Electricity is thea crucial factor in operatingfor working an extensive range ofmost devices ----> Suggestion :"Many devices need the energy of electricity to work."


Why??? Before stating that, I think you should mention that Electricity is known as a clean source of energy. Then you can talk about its positive effects on environment.

in the summer and winter air conditioning systems are used to providemodify the codition of air inside the building, offices, houses, and the like.us with cool air and we turn on the heating system to keep the room warm in winter.

[At the end of each paragraph write a conclusion (reword the topic sentence)].

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'UK student income during ten-year period' - IELTS table [5]

Hi,
U should write at least 150 words in the IELTS writing task one. Your essay consists of only 132 words.

The table shows the trend which took place in student income(the table gives information about students' source of income, but you pointed out another thing!!!. concentrate on the topic and the data) during ten-year period from 1988 to 1998 in United Kingdom (in the introduction you should mention the general trend. . (in the introduction you did not state the age of students. You should add it. )

U can write the intorduction in this way. :"The table provides data regarding to the percentage of income that below 26-year students could obtain from four different resources in the UK during 1988 to1998. In general, as time passed, "Student loan" could change into the most important earning source for students over the studied years. )

Although the data of student loan was not available in 1988/99, it dramatically increased from 8% in 1992/93 to 24% in 1998/99.The percentage of earnings also sharply rose from 6% in 1988/89 and reached a peak at 14% in 1995/96, after that slight fell slightly by 2% in 1998/99 ( i could not find this falling in the table ???) .

On the other hand, there was a steadilysteady (adj. + noun) decrease in parental contribution from 32% in 1988/89 to 16% in 1998/99Use different ways for expressing the data. For example:"...in paternal contribution which was 32% and 16% in the years of 1988 and 1999, respectively", or you can write :" about 18% reduction in Parental contribution occurred through 1988 to 1999") .At the same time, the grant went down by 24% from 38% in 1988/89 to 14% in 1998/99.(as I told you above, u should use different ways for reporting results.)

(How about other sources???U did not cover all results provided in the table. U should compare the data and different resources. Without comparing u cannot get a good mark. )

Overall, the income per student rose gradually from 4,395% pounds in 1988/89 to 5,575% pounds in 1998/99 and the students became more independent at the period.

Writing Feedback / More and more young people are turning to drugs. reasons and solutions [8]


before writing a paper/essay or in general a text, you should highlight the key words of the topi that u want to write about. In this way, you can limit the ideas in your mind. I think, the most important think for writing a short "introduction" or "conclusion" is that to improve the ability of "brainstorming". In addition, I recommend you to read the book entitled "focus on vocabulary". This book is is a vocabulary book, but it also consists of interesting, useful texts which can show how to begin an introduction in an attractie way, and how write a summary.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: A complaining letter to the bank ('ordered a new cheque book') [3]

Hi,
for improving the introduction, I think you can introduce yourself at the beginning, and write about this fact that your are a "client" of the bank. Then write about the problem.


Do not use this. U should not mention your request with a harsh tone.


U used this sentence in the previous paragraph. Avoid any repetition. .

has honesty and good/strong reputation.

I would be appreciated/grateful if you help me with regard to this problem. I was wandering if you would call/contact me as soon as you canlike you to look after my problem and call me in person when you resolve my problem.

U should mention that u are writing for a manager. U did not show that u wrote the letter for a manager.

Regards
Ahmad

Letters / 'well-organized and reliable officer' - A letter to recommend my friend for study [3]

To: Whom it May Concern:(write this in capital letters. "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN")
Subject: Recommend Mr. Thongphet Synamvong as a candidate for your program.

U can start the letter with this expression :"I am very pleased to recommend Mr. xxxxx for yyyy (if you want to recommend him for studying in a university u can replace "yyyy" with "admission to your university program")

Mr. Thongphet used to work for me as an officer from 2007 to 2010 when I was head of Research and Strategic Planning Centre at Banque Pour Le Commerce Exterieur Lao Public (BCEL) (it would be better to mention your status in BCEL at the beginning and, then state this fact that you hired Mr. xx as an officer during the years of 2007 to 2010) .

I therefore highly recommend Mr. Thongphet as a candidate for your program(you can replace this sentence with this one :"I wholeheartedly recommend him and wish him the very best in all future endeavors.") .

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Hi, Your essay is great and your ability in writing is wonderful. However, If I were u I would try to have a critical look at the domestic and foreign policies of the government, and what the founding fathers expected. U could compare the things that are mentioned in the constitution of the US and the ways that they are executed in the contemporary era. U can talk about wars, poverty, and different social classes in the society, and ask founding fathers about these issues.

This is just my opinion.
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / benefit to unpaid teenager and local community [6]


Of course, there is no strict rule for writing, and different people have different writing styles. But, in many academic books it is recommended students to avoid the use of "we" and "I". So, a writer can use "we" in an essay, but there is no guarantee that an examiner doesn't consider it as a mistake. So, it would be better to do not take a risk and lose mark :))

Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Those who make the room clean and dirty are more successful in the future. [3]

Hi, just some suggestions about the introduction:

For the time being, an increasingAs time passes the number of parents becoming worry about the future of their children rises up cause they increasingly pay more attention totake care about each details of the children in more details. (What do u mean about this term "details of children") . In the meantime, whether the kids should form a good habits to keep their room clean is thea significant issueif they will become successful in futrue receives a widespread concern(this sentence is really confusing. I could not get the main point of it) . Speak for my own, I am totally agree with this opinion (why do you agree with that? give the reasons briefly.) The introduction, is a little long. Be to the point. .

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure," functions of governments [4]


Propaganda is used for political issues.

Each paragraph needs a conclusion. U should add a summery at the end of a paragraph.

The example of the third paragraph is a little irrelevant and u should provide a convincing example to completely cover and support your idea.

The essay has no conclusion. Without a conclusion, the essay gets no mark because it is considered as an incomplete essay.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 'man should share evenly household chores' [3]

As Duminda said,, you should write your opinion in the introduction. In addition, you should mention the reasons of your opinion briefly (through several words), because u should make a reader to follow the rest of the essay. If you give many information in the introduction, u have nothing to tell him/her in the body.

Each paragraph should start with an attractive topic sentence. The topic sentence of the paragraphs in this essay are not strong enough. You should also elaborate on the paragraphs by more related examples and descriptions.

Use better vocabulary and work on it.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / benefit to unpaid teenager and local community [6]

Duminda: In the academic writing the use of "We", "I", and the like, is not appropriate. A writer should use passive sentences because such sentences are stronger, and also this type of expression does not point to a specific person or group, because they have no subject.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Stop smoking in public places, life is a circle between before and after [3]


the use of earth is not appropriate. It would be better to point more specific things such as health, young adults, and the like.

Smoking has beco me tradition(it is not a tradition but it is a habit, I think) in the last two decades


"Vigorously" is a stronger word as compared to "totally".


This sentence sounds cliche. In addition, it would be better to briefly state your reasons in the introduction (through several words) to show what are going to mention in the following paragraphs.

Health association societies have hardly tried a lot to revealed the consequences of the smoking on health and environment,


try to avoid the use of "we" in writing.


This paragraph gives no information about the topic. Note: the topic is about the rule for banning smoking in public places. This problem is also observed in other paragraphs of the body. The topic is not "Smoking: Good or Bad".

Be careful about the things that the topic asks.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'two hours school working at home' - My ILET is tmw [2]

Hi,

First of all it is the "IELTS" test, not "ILETS". Unfortunately, this essay cannot get the score of 7, because of the following reasons:

1) The words used in this essay were not strong enough.
2) organization was not suitable: U should write the essay according the template that I wrote below:
Introduction
Body (a paragraph about the first view stated in the topic, another paragraph about the second view, and the third one for your opinion and the ways that u think children should spend their free times on)

Conclusion
3) U should use complex sentences with strong structures in order to get band score of 7 and above,
4) repetition is another problem of the essay

Writing Feedback / IELTS Benefits of unpaid work of teenagers [4]

Hi Mriytunjay, it would be better to start a new thread to people can edit your essay more easily. This thread belongs to another person and it is not suitable to put your essay here. I know the topic is the same, and you did that to compare your work with others, but I think you should have your own thread. Please, run a new thread, and then we put some comments on your essay.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'characteristics of societies while studying in big cities' - GRE issue essay [5]

not help us to understand the beauty of societies whenand small cities, which are often devalued, have an impact on societies too. ----.> I thin this sentence is a little vague. As a suggestion u can write:"I believe if investigations about a society just focus on big cities, many facets of the society such as x,y z will be not discovered/revealed. (X, Y,,Z refers to the aspects that you want to write about them in the body)

First and foremost, small cities are usually considered to be(I prefer "as" rather than "to be")the suburbs

The people who live in the(u are not talking about some certain suburbs, so u cannot use "the") suburbs

At the second paragraph u should explain why suburb are more important and how they can affect the characteristic of a society. U provided an example about the US, but in this example u did not mention why people should study suburb areas for understanding the society.


Do not use this and do not make a reader to read the topic one more time. Try to provide all information in your essay.


Use of "very" in writing, especially academic writing, is not appropriate.


before stating this u should add the term "for instance" or something like that to show this is an example and a support for the topic sentence. Without this term, it seems that this fact can just happen in Manhattan.

the characteristics of a Manhattan society.

With less outsiders visiting and more local people living in

The people living in asmall city(use a synonym because u used "small city" for several times. u can use "town")


this sentence needs a support. u should make it clear when u say "they are innocent".

These people will show the true faces of the world their"true faces" without hiding


Before stating an ending statement (clincher) in the concusion, you should reword the topic/first paragraph.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

I really appreciate your words, especially the last sentence was really important for me, because as my supervisor told me, an article must be clear for everyone and I am happy that I could convey my message in this way.

I am sorry that the topic was boring :))))))))))))))

About you question :Actually this is an introduction of an article. As you know each paper has four main parts: Introduction; Experimental procedure; Results and discussion; conclusion. As a paper each part must be explained separately.

Thanks again

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]


Actually just Tribologist work on it. There are a few scientists in the world that work on wear behavior of Light alloys (including magnesium). In addition, I wrote "a group" because I was not talking about a specific researcher.

Thank you very much for your help. The comments were really useful.

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

Thank you so much.

Writing Feedback / 'drawbacks of pursuing an inappropriate course of study' - GRE practice essay [7]


u should use "a" instead of "the", because of two reasons: 1) you are talking about a right which was not mentioned before, so it is not familiar to use "the", 2) "right" refers to "choose their future" not "students". Ask yourself this question: which right? the answer is "to choose sth". The answer refers to just one thing.

Regards
Ahmad

Graduate / 'ardent lover of science' - SOP - Chemical Engineering PhD [7]

To duminda: would u please take a look at my new thread??? The introduction of an...????

Graduate / 'ardent lover of science' - SOP - Chemical Engineering PhD [7]


This word is an academic word. More information is available in the website "wikipedia". I did not know anything about this before looking up the word in this site.

Regards
Ahmad