Writing Feedback / Essay about Moving Image Technique in Advertising and Virtual Photography [4]

Ellen Sandor formed (art)n group which produces------ what is this? a typo?


You can if necessary! Just do not post content that is not original.
:-)
Links are okay, though...


If this is a direct quote, put it in " " marks. If it is not a direct quote, you really do not need to cite someone for a statement so obvious. So... maybe you should start by saying that moving images have delighted people for centuries, but then give a direct quote by Wyver to support your claim.

You write well, but the first paragraph ends in a weak way. ----> Virtual Photography is the area where the moving image technique has been used which gives a feel of emotional movement. Advertising is another area where the technique is used in its conventional manner which is producing short clips or videos. --- do not end the first para of an essay with a sentence that tells, "XXXX is another..." This part of the essay, at the end of the first para, is where you make it clear to the reader what your main point is.

Writing is art, so it does not always have to be this way, but in this case I think it will help a lot to have a strong thesis statement there at the end of the first para.

Undergraduate / Memories of the Dog Walk- how interest in physiology developed [4]


I think a word is missing right before 'new.'


I don't think so. I think this is good. Specialization is good in the modern world, because everyone is specialized and everything has been done.

...talking away countless hours with a dear friend who was to depart soon for a new home across the country.--- I moved soon! Maybe you like it this way, or maybe now. I felt like soon was out of place at the end of the sentence.

Oh! I have a great idea! Take this and put it at the beginning of the paragraph, of the whole essay:
Perhaps it would be wise to find out exactly how memories are stored...
It is an awkward segue if you tack it on to the end of this para about the friend and the scene, etc... but if you have it at the beginning.. and the paragraph ends with this:

How aware I must be of my mind's eye as I age in order to preserve my experiences!--- I got rid of 'through.'

So, do you see what I mean? The first sentence of the essay can be the one that begins with 'perhaps,' and I think that would be intriguing. It would also make it so that the whole para is about preserving memories.

Undergraduate / "A crew of ambitious engineers" - UIUC application essay [6]

I don't know how to draw, and I don't know how to sculpt, yet I have a faith that by learning engineering I can also offer the world aesthetic creations that can alter not only alter the industries but our daily life. i crossed out this last part that is to obvious. Can you think of something to say that explains why you mention sculpting and drawing? What are you really trying to say?

Since I was still a kid lying in my mom's arms, I have showed great interest in the mechanic stuffs stuff. I was fascinated by ...

Da Vinci

Although most students consider the study of Physics a catastrophic proce ss, I embrace it as though I was born for it.

My favorite field of physics is (mechanic?) which is the most ...

Capitalize:
Iron Man stared by Robert Downey Jr. who acted the main character Tony Stark, a precocious genius graduated from MIT majoring in engineering at the age of 15. He is an icon of a super hero without any extraneous power. He became a super hero by his own hands instead of exaggerate super power. --- I don't think it is good to write about the film. I liked it, too... but your discussion of physics is so impressive, and i want the whole essay to be impressive! It is not helpful to talk about the movie.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common Application-First Aid: making a difference by joining the medical industry. [10]

Being a volunteer in St. John Ambulance has allowed enabled me to pursue my desire to help others especially during times in need.

Excellent sentence here: At that moment, I felt an immense sense of fulfillment and purpose.

...how to respond under in critical situations, build my leadership skills and ultimately it has allowed me to give back to my community.

I cut some words to make room for you to give one more sentence to tell your specific goals in the medical industry. Interested in any particular specialization or work setting?

Writing Feedback / The differences and similiraties of PIURA and AREQUIPA -Comparison/Contrast Essay [6]

There are many options from among which to choose. However, the two most common places that people would go ...

I am going to discuss Arequipa first.--- this kind of topic sentence is weak. You can always improve this sort of sentence by saying something to capture the main idea that the discussion reveals. That way, it is a REAL topic sentence. It REALLY tells what the message of the paragraph is.

In spite of this description about Despite the appeal of Arequipa, Piura is worth some consideration because it shares some several important points to consider. ---complete this sentence by saying something about Piura... something specific. Make it so that your discussions begin with a clear statement about a main idea.

It doesn't matter what place a person decides to choose.-----again, this could be better if you said something useful, something with real content and a real message.

Make it so that each para begins with a sentence that would be almost enough to convey the main idea of the para. Compare contrast essays are difficult! I think the topic sentences are the part you need to work on.

Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

...however, as I matured, I found that I myself loved to teach, whether it be history riddles or science conundrums. Through my endeavors, I learned that teaching is an audacious profession. -- I agree, but say in what way it is audacious!

While training his apprentices, the teacher hones his own the pen of erudition to fend off the armies of enigma. --- cool!!! Obviously, this change I made is just an idea.. maybe it is better to keep it the way you had it.

All this time, because I was familiar with my pupils' curriculums curricula, I was prepared for any attack. ...

2009 was the first year I lead led a team of four of my...
The ending is excellent... really, all of this is excellent. I think it'll be a winner!

Essays / "WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE FAVORITISM" - paragraph writing [5]


Very good! I agree, and as I tried to make sense of this thread your comments here helped me, so thank you.

Let's forget the 7 ways for a minute and just enjoy the paragraph itself. Let's discuss it simply. It starts with a TOPIC SENTENCE.

Google this: how to write a good topic sentence for a paragraph.

The topic sentence tells the main idea, and the rest of the paragraph gives explanation or examples or quotations, etc.

THAT IS IT! If you learn what a topic sentence is, you will know how to do this.
One paragraph = one idea (and the idea is expressed in the first sentence (i.e. topic sentence) of the paragraph.

Now, write a paragraph by expressing an idea about why people use favoritism. JUST WRITE A TOPIC SENTENCE!

IF you write one sentence about your idea of why people use favoritism, it can become a paragraph when you add sentences for explanation, example, etc.

So...

Step one: write 3 topic sentences.
Step two: for each topic sentence, choose one of the 7 methods.
Step three: look at an example of the method you choose for one of the paragraphs.
Follow the example to write a paragraph in the same way.

Here is an example to get you started.

Example #6:
Topic sentence: People use favoritism because they enjoy expressing their preferences and to not care about fairness. This desire to express a preference is what causes people to want one person to do well while not caring about another person. For example, I worked at a place where my boss had a lot of tattoos. One day, a new employee arrived, and he had a lot of tattoos. My manager and that employee would often go outside to smoke cigarettes while the rest of us did the work. My manager and the new employee both had the same views about many things, and the manager enjoyed being able to use his influence to impress his new employee.

This is an example of #6 but google the others:
How to develop a paragraph by definition
How to develop a paragraph by contrast
...and so on.

:-)

Undergraduate / My bad points (laziness) too bad? Common application short answer essay [4]

I think the use of "lazy" is not a good idea. You do not have to say that about yourself.

I admit that I initially was not the most diligent I am fortunate to have a clear memory of the experience that sparked my interest in teaching language. I was a volunteer teacher for the three new Korean girls who attended our church. With vastly ...

I learned that hard work is required to accomplish anything and that you should never underestimate the vehemence of three elementary school girls. --- this is cute. I think you can replace "hard work is required to accomplish..." with something that is not so cliche.

I like this story, and in general I think it is very good! But can you make it about a learning experience rather than about 'laziness?'

Undergraduate / UW Personal Statement - Environmental Science Major [3]


Awesome. I hope your AO reader is a person well-read enough to appreciate these concepts. Something I wonder for you, though, is whether you will be DOING something you want to DO every day.

I had a thought while reading this that you might like to get a degree in nutrition as well, because... well, I don't know why. I keep having the thought that you would like to learn about nutrition, even though you also want to learn about farming.

Okay, I have very little to say about this, because it speaks for itself! Go make a big splash and benefit lots of people. We are lucky to have you taking action for health and the environment.

"with" 2 times in a row is awkward...
With an education from the University of Washington's School of Forest Resources with and a major ...

Use an action verb:
I have no doubt that I will have gain the skills I need to affect the change I seek.

Undergraduate / "Potential problems" - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement [6]

In particular, One event in my life that involved me taking a risk had a tremendous impact on me, because it made me realize ____________ (tell the "moral of the story").

This kind of sentence is supposed to have commas:
My friend, Allen, and I were on our way to our... --- but the commas make the sentence clunky, so I think the name is actually not necessary:

My friend and I were on our way to our...---- there, that is sleek.

I squirmed around on the snow like a worm. --- excellent sentence!

It all depends on how we approach them.

--- this is a cliche. You write very well, and this is great, but I wonder if you can derive something even more meaningful from this. Can you look even more deeply? A thoughtful person will notice something, but a VERY thoughtful person will notice many things.

A profound person will make an observation and then take action based on the truth uncovered by these new insights.

Your writing is already good, but I wonder if you will reread this and realize something profound that you should be sharing with the reader.

Scholarship / College scholarship essay - Who are you? [4]

You used 'however' 2 times a little too close to each other so it seems repetitive. Maybe change one of them to 'but.'

Do not start a new paragraph after 'resentment.'

I was so ashamed of myself. Worse, I was lonely and overwhelmed, and I felt so utterly lost.---- wow, you went from being a top student to having the paper stamped "COPIED?"

That must have been so terrible! Well, now you know that different settings will give you different kinds of life, and when a setting makes you suffer it's necessary to be strategic and fix your situation. I hope you find a setting that makes it easy for you to do your work, because you seem to have an excellent way of thinking.

Hey, I agree with Sanjay's idea to cross out 'truly.' It is a stronger sentence without that word. Without that word, it is matter-of-fact.

Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular - Forensics [3]


How is forensics related to competitive speaking? I don't get it.

Rehearsals are typically held for two hours daily, --- be careful with this part; it sounds like you start to take material from a description of the class. Some students use material from a brochure or website, etc.

About what I just said above... nevermind! Forget I said that. I had not finished reading the whole thing...

Okay, bottom line: this demonstrates good writing but lacks something. It is very informational. I don't really know what I am trying to say. It does not lack something, but it could use something more. What is the moral of the story? If you just subtly adjust one sentence, you can give this an excellent, memorable theme. The reader will turn to her colleague and say, "This essay is about competitive public speaking, but it is also about ________."

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


Nope. In my mind it rhymes with Kahlua um... ach... baybay...

hahah I don't know.

...chilling effects of modernization on humanity.---maybe this is too general. Maybe you can find a more specific way to express their common themes. Instead of 'modernization' you can maybe find something more specific.. I can't though! because I am unfamiliar with one of them (Dark Knight)

Undergraduate / Fat Kid on The Swim Team: Common App Essay [11]


merriam-webster.com/dictionary/swum


Indeed!

Undergraduate / Sport: Tennis - Common App Short Answer [5]

SHB, I'm really happy to see your participation here. Thank you for making this great contribution to the work of Priyanmka and to EssayForum.

Everybody says high school is the era in your life, in which the mistakes--- I like this beginning, but take out the comma after "life."

Do not capitalize tennis.

Oh, I see that you are going to use the second one. That is okay, too. I liked the first one because it begins with "Everybody says..." and I find that to be an interesting start to an essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I'm not your typical girl" - Texas Essay [6]

But I am Micaela Marshall, and I am a leader, and I am very competitive, and I love math.

From the ages 3 to 6 I was Crystal Unicorn.--- this is realy cool but at this point int he essay I want to s3ee you start talking about your mission in life, your mission for the next few years... don't tell about ages 3-6. Tell about your plan.

black harried ??

Men and woman who fight and die for their country are heroes. --- obviously!

Leaders always strive to improve themselves, which is why I want to be a hero. --- maybe you did not intend to use both the words leader and hero in this sentence?

Most girls don't like math as much as I do. ---- you can't say stuff like this. You can say "most people don't" but not "most girls don't." IT sounds like you think girls are not as good at math ad guys.

This looks like you are brainstorming before writing the actual essay. That is how to use this. Look at this again, think of your tentative plan for the future, and identify the main ideas. What is the SINGLE most important thing you want the reader to remember?

I hope you can revise this to focus on a clear theme related to your plan for the future. What is YOUR theme.

If you tell a lot of different ideas to the reader, the reader will have her attention divided. Focus only on the most important ideas. :-) There is something excellent about the energy of your writing, so do not lose confidence because of my suggestion!

Essays / ''Money create happiness'' people get satisfaction when they can do what they want [7]


True


true

Sometimes we seem to disagree, even though we are actually not in disagreement. If I won a thousand dollars right now, that would create a feeling of happiness, but ... I also agree with freezard!

Namtuocbonghong, I see that you have an interesting idea. You can write about these concepts:

Money can alleviate suffering when it is donated.
Money can save lives when it is used for health care.
Money can provide entertainment.
Money can enable us to buy nutritious food instead of junk food.

:-)

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]


Nope! You still do not say what makes you appreciate Egypt. Maybe you noticed some beautiful aspects of Egyptian culture that were absent in the places you visited. What do you love about Egypt and its people?

Also, you need to say home country, not home town. Egypt is not a town.

:-) I admire your seriousness about this! Please add one more sentence to tell what makes you want to benefit Egypt. Is it just because it is where you come from, or is there a more meaningful reason for your allegiance?

Essays / A brief essay about myself - how to start and end it. [10]

If you have trouble writing, it is good to write about something you know well. What do you know better than yourself?

This should be fun. Start by writing several topic sentences. If you want the essay to have 3 body paragraphs, write three topic sentences. These sentences each express an idea that will help to make up your essay.

Then, extend each topic sentence into a paragraph. See, the thing is, you need to have 3 ideas (1 for each body paragraph) and these ideas are 3 aspects of the main idea of the essay.

So... what is the main idea about YOU that you want to express? Whatever it is, think of three good topic sentences that will start your paragraphs.

Google this
How to write topic sentence
How to write a thesis statement.

:-)

Essays / Question on "additional infomation" on essay application [12]

Hi, I'm afraid anything I say in response to your questions might be irresponsible, because it is not good for you to act according to my ideas when you could act according to the guidance of the people who will actually be scrutinizing your essay. I hope you get a lot of good insight from people here, but if I were you I would invest a lot of time in making phone calls to talk to the people involved in the schools to which you are applying. Good luck!!

I think you should indeed be able to include your letter of rec from the director. I hope the people you speak to on the phone are helpful and responsive.

Undergraduate / "Memoirs of a Teenage Hostess" - Common App Personal Essay [11]


Nah, the AO can appreciate this, for sure. The title is really cool, too.

...hung up the phone with a clammy palm. --- hahahah, nice! I'm afraid I need to have you critique my writing instead of you having me critique your writing.

I gained far more than a few dollars from my make-believe. --- this sounds almost like you mean you got $$ for your make believe... maybe it should say:

...from my make believe I gained something far more valuable than a few dollars in gratuities.

Here is my idea:
Chinese takeout, feel free to call our restaurant. at (630) 983-8234 . Though I don't know the number of calories in Mongolian Beef from the top of my head or whether Kung Pao Chicken is made with plum sauce or oyster sauce, you can guarantee that when I pick up, I'll cheerfully and willingly say, "House of Emperor! Can I help you?"

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Student behavior, causes and solutions. [5]

However, many schools are now facing students' lack of discipline, such as actions that are disrespectful to the ...

This is very good! You have some great sentences. The part about parents spoiling kids seems oversimplified, though, like it is a little too general, but in a short essay there is a limit to how much analysis you can give.

This conclusion is not good enough for the rest of the essay:
Children are our future, and it is crucial that we address this issue as early as possible.--- the rest of the essay is good, and you make several good points, so the conclusion should review the major points you made and discuss the main theme of the essay one last time. Can you add some sentences to this conclusion?

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

Yes! I think so... and I like the way you word this: Is this (metaphorically) more sound?

So.. what you really meant was that they were interrelated and that math is necessary for studying electricity... but I don't know if electricity is necessary for studying math! ha ha... unless you refer to bioelectricity that nourishes the brain while studying math, ha ha...

Well, it is interesting to watch your idea develop.

Speeches / A speech to be dictated soon (a new branch of the existing consultancy) [3]


Can you be more specific with this sentence?

Capitalize the names of the nations!

acqure
acquire

Is a comma missing here?---...successful documentation fast track offer letter s, scholarships, and internships.--- what does the red part mean?

Anyway, you have done very well!! This is impressive.

Graduate / As we see developing e-book , Some people says printer media will be something in [2]

In not many recent decades, we have seen a huge number of new inventions, like Internet, laptop, e-book, and mp3 players. Through expanding these instruments some people say printed media like newspaper, magazine and books are going toward to disappear. But I, like other people, believe that new equipments can not completely substitute for old things.

Fist First , if someone wants use...

Third, when the camera and cinema was invented in the early 20th century, many people thought theater would be disappear (fade) gradually. --- either disappear or fade will be good!

On the contrary, we can...

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Key Club" - Florida State University Essay [4]


This sentence is too long. You should say this in a way that requires only 10 words. Can you do it? 10 words is not a lot. The way you have it here, the "at least" is not proper... because you mean "under 5 seconds," not 'at least.' But anyway, make this part shorter! :-)

Okay, another important idea: this looks like 2 different essays! Do this:
Add a topic sentence to each paragraph.
Try to make each paragraph shorter by cutting out unnecessary words and phrases.
Add an intro paragraph that ends in a thesis statement about the main idea for the whole essay.
Add a conclusion paragraph that restates the thesis and discusses it some more.

:-)

Undergraduate / Life isn't always about being on top but it's about how you make it to be on top [11]

Being acquainted with yourself is not accomplished by merely visually examining your reflection as you stand in front of a full-length mirror,---- This is a great sentence...

I'll change this part, though: ... but instead is gradually acquired as you, acting as your very own mentor, teach yourself every aspect of it.----

Wordy and confusing? Yes, maybe a little.. Readers need it to be spoon fed to them nowadays, so write in short sentences sometimes. Here, you need to stay in the past verb tense:

I found it hard to succumb to slumber, though the downpour of rain should've alleviated it the insomnia .

My insanity anxiety level roamed up high, misery went up to me, my hazelnut orbs turned red for crying, as and I contemplate profoundly and once asked God, "Do you really play equality and fairness to all of your creation? If yes, then why can't...

Thanks for sharing such personal insights and experiences!

Essays / Need help for finding a SATIRE movie to write an essay on. [5]


All the good stuff is... Edgar Allan Poe, Stephen King... um... Jerry Springer. People need vulgar stimuli. :-)

Research Papers / The impact of the human rights issue in Sino-American economic relationship [5]

American and Chinese foreign policies ensure that conflicts over the


Well, the thesis statement is a little confusing. Try revising and using the phrase "the concept is reduced to superficial rhetoric when..."

Now, here is your solution: Go to the first sentence of each body paragraph and revise it OR precede it with another sentence so that each paragraph begins with a sentence that supports the thesis. So... let each paragraph have a topic sentence that conveys a main idea that supports the main idea of the whole essay.

You have the necessary material... now fix according to the teacher's feedback by adding TOPIC SENTENCES.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE- In any profession, those in power should step down after five years. [4]

...change the leader every five years .

I see that you end your first para with an example. I think you should end it with a thesis statement. What is the main argument you want to make? I think it is this:

It is too simple and arbitrary to say that all people in positions of authority should step down after five years.--- this is the main point of your essay, and I think it is the best way to end paragraph one. Do you know what I mean? End paragraph 1 by expressing your main idea.

You give great examples! I tend to agree with you. If all leaders had a 5 year limit, we would NEVER have any leaders with more than 5 years of experience in the position! So... experience is at least as important as revitalization.

Also, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

Undergraduate / This is my escape; SOP UTexas at Austin Radio/TV/Film [12]

Hi Michele, those blunt statements are sometimes the best ones! And sometimes it is hard to express what is on one's mind while trying to help find room to improve your work.

I was drawn to that same 'boring' part... it is just a little glitch in the middle. It's not useful to say your parents were adamant about you earning a degree. Don't give them credit for your strong intention. Instead, focus on that purpose:


This is not specific enough. I hope to see a list of several meaningful details about what you hope to do in 21st century film. I don't think you should include mention of your goal of earning a degree, because it is just too obvious. Instead, speak of earning the degree as a means of getting to where you want to be. Give details about how you will use your time at this school and how you will use the degree after you graduate.

Keep in mind that we can really only help by criticizing, so don't take offense! On a more obvious level, your writing is excellent. I like your use of paragraph breaks, your excellent descriptions of how you changed and your references to those great films you mentioned. (El Mariachi was weirdly brilliant!). Let's try to give the reader a full feature film, now, though, and really show the future -- tell about your plans as though you are already directing some films. In fact, tell about the film you are making now or preparing to make. I know you have one in mind! :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1: Describing data about travel to and from the UK [4]


hahah, no matter. This looks nice.

It is clear from the graph that the number of visits made by UK residents is greater than the number of visits made to the UK.

...which was the most popular country destination of all, while a ...

Other countries such as the USA, Greece, and Turkeyaccounted for approximately 9 million visitors.
Yes! accounted

Are the following sentences correct?
Other countries constituted approximately 9 million visitors.-- no, this would mean the countries were the visitors.
Other countries comprised approximately 9 million visitors.--- no, this means the same as constituted, and it seems wrong.
Other countries consisted approximately 9 million visitors.--- no, it would be this:
Other countries consisted of approximately... you use OF. But that is still not correct here. Something that consists of something else is made up of it.

:-) you are right about 'accounted."

Graduate / Quick Fix: Opening Paragraph, School of Medicine interest [13]

Hello, sorry it is taking me a long time. There are suddenly a lot of essays due to submission deadlines, etc.

I burst out laughing at the ... will to better understand the subject, I believe XSM is where I can mature and grow to my fullest potential as a physician.--- the bursting out laughing can seem judgmental unless you say something very thoughtful about, for example, the culture difference between the American show and its audience. Otherwise, the reader might think you are laughing at them for being addicts or something.

At the end of that first paragraph I am left wondering what the significance of mentioning the show was. Like... I mean... why is it significant? I hope you can infer some meaning from it and make it fit in the theme of the essay.

This next paragraph is pretty great, but this sentence is not good: Ultimately, I believe XSM education will empower individuals like myself to build a rewarding career that brings significant positive change to others' lives.--- it does not really say anything meaningful. But you can change it to make a unique observation about an advantage enjoyed by students at this school... an advantage for you if you go to this school... you in particular, because of the way you think and because of the philosophy that underlies their program.

Practicing medicine is a lifelong commitment, and I feel strongly about obtaining an education that I can personally identify with. --- sentences like this one should be replaced with sentences that show what makes you unique... your unique philosophy of medicine ... and why you choose the specialization you choose.

It always is impressive if a student has specific ideas about what s/he intends to do.

XSM provides an unparalleled learning experience that ...

So... the writing is obviously good, but I think you can add definition to your vision for the future. :-)

Graduate / "Career vision" vs. "most passionate about" - what is the difference? [10]


This is an interesting conversation. It sure is nice when you can do something you are passionate about as your means of livelihood. Otherwise you have to spend your work week doing something that you are not passionate about.

The answer is something little children know well, I think. Little children are passionate about almost everything, fascinating as the world is.

Also, all of these insights in this thread made me think of the DIFFERENCE between what you want to 'be' and what you want to DO every day. You might want to BE an attorney, because you think of an attorney as a successful, clear thinking person, but then maybe you do not like what you end up having to DO every day.

I know a girl very interested in animals, and she considered being a veterinarian, but then she realized that neutering animals and putting them to sleep might be a big part of the work! She liked the idea of working with animals, but she did not know if that was what she wanted to DO every day.

Anyway, I enjoy this thread and all your ideas!

Undergraduate / An example of introduction to the instructor - correct way of writing? [5]

This sounds like an assignment given to prepare you to get the most out of a writing class. Well, do you know any examples of attributes that make a writer a "good" writer? This is all about your own ideas, and they may change during your class.

Tell me your strengths as a person, and I'll tell you your strengths as a writer. For example, you may have the insight that you are a concrete thinker rather than an abstract thinker, so you have trouble mustering up some creative story but you ARE good at thinking methodically and communicating is a clear, direct way. Or, it might be the opposite.

If you are young and do not have much experience writing, that does not mean you lack strengths. Then again, a lack of experience can be a weakness.

Do you read a lot? Being a good writer has a prerequisite: reading a lot.

Anyway, the "correct" way of writing this kind of essay is to just be honest and dig deep. Let the instructor know you and your ideas. If you lack confidence, her her/him know that, too!

If you want to be impressive to the instructor, get a copy of Strunk and White, or anything by Diana Hacker, and list as one of your strengths the fact that you are now studying that book.

:-)
Also, it is a strength that you are amemeber of EssayForum!

Letters / College Resume...I am having difficulty understanding the exact formulation [7]


If you are talking about the first list, it is generic because it sort of has to be when you make a list like this. It is a case of telling rather than showing. On people's resumes they often write things like, "Highly motivated self-starter with the ability to communicate well and blah blah blah, but that means little before the claims are backed up.

You do back up the claims, though, when you SHOW by giving the list of accomplishments and activities, etc.

I like Varchas's idea of having interesting terms instead of common ones. Really, I would avoid the common ones if possible. Also, looking at online examples is a great idea for sure, Shun-Wen Wu. This turned out to be a valuable thread that I bet will benefit a lot of people!

So, anyway, Ryan, I would look at some examples and templates if I were you.

Undergraduate / My Trip Across The Pond....diverse perspective [6]

Hey Ryan, you write very well, and I want to help you improve by showing you the Nutrageous method, which I have just made up.

As you may or may not know, nutrageous is a candy bar with a lot of nuts. If it had only a few, it would have to be called "Mildly Nuttish." To make an essay nutrageous, eliminate all phrases that do not accomplish something. The best thing to accomplish is to make the reader EXPERIENCE something, but another thing you sometimes have to do is tell what needs to be told. So... tell what needs to be told without using too many words... like this:

In reflecting on the events of my life, none have impacted me more than my trip "across the pond". It was mid November when I received a brochure from People to People Student Ambassador Programs to join them for the experience of a lifetime.

I took out everything that was not meaningful or useful.
I took a "trip across the pond" with the People to People Student Ambassador Program, which is a ______ (tell what it is all about.)

But this is not a good sentence to begin with because it does not punch the reader in the stomach. Punch the reader in the stomach with something that is intriguing.

Nothing about me would ever be the same after my "trip across the pond."--- this would be a good start. Explain later.

This first para is pretty solid!

I think you should precede this with a topic sentence:
A great Doctor of the Catholic Church, Saint Augustine of Hippo is famously quoted with as saying... ---- know what I mean? Give the main idea of the paragraph, and then use this quote to substantiate or explain what you mean.

Now as a door begins to close on my adolescence I have learned to react and express myself in reasonable proportion. --- cool sentence!
Notice, though, how less is more:
Now As a door begins to close on my adolescence, I have learned to react and express myself in reasonable proportion.

I'm glad you are participating here.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL TOPIC:Parents and adult relatives should make decisions for older teenagers [3]

Okay, Ryan, you are officially a hero. This must have taken several minutes, and I really appreciate the time you spent.

Miss1987, I want to know if you have any questions about the changes made here. I read your essay, and I read Ryan's corrected version, and it makes me wonder if you know WHY the changes were made.

In order to prepare for the TOEFL, I think you should type the whole essay in the way Ryan revised it. Type it to practice the correct English.

Then, think of at least 3 questions to ask, so I can help you understand the reasons for the corrections. For example, here is one more correction, and I'll tell you why it is necessary to make a change:


If you use 'while' this way, it cannot be the first word of a sentence. It has to be in the middle.
Some people think it is necessary for adults to make decisions for children, while other people disagree. ---when you use 'while' this way, it functions just like the word 'but.'

You CAN start sentences with the word while, but not the way you did here. I would do this:
Many people hold the opinion that parents or other relatives adults should make important decisions for their older teenage children, since they do not want their children to make any wrong decision or mistake during the important life stage. While I do not agree with them at all.

It sounds very powerful and bold if you just get rid of the word 'while.'

:-)

So, do you have any questions about Ryan's corrections?

Undergraduate / "the nerdy Asian kid" 'My world' life long education and my American dream. [4]

Capitalize the W in 'why' for that first line... "Why do you..."

Here is what came ot mind for me:
One of the most well-known stereotypes is the nerdy Asian kid, and I am its personification. People ask, "Why do you try so hard?" How can I not? I am not just me; I am my mother's daughter, my father's daughter,and the reflection of the other people who raised me.

The quote by Confucius is about the study of history, so it seems irrelevant, unless you modify it:
Confucius once said, "You must study the past in order to divine the future," but in a sense I am the future, and my parents' past experiences enabled them to sculpt me into ___________.

Hey, I just noticed the great input by Ryan! Thanks, Ryan, for the time you have been investing in EF.


So, the active voice would be like this:
Circumstances forced her to leave my father behind...
As Ryan mentioned, it really does make the sentence much more powerful!

An Pham, I think you should read the essay again and think of what is the most important concept, the one you want the reader to remember. Then, add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. Make it a sentence that tells your THEME. Make it a sentence that tells the concept that YOU choose, the concept that will represent you in the reader's mind. Maybe it involves a sense of responsibility.

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

Yeah, well... I also might be wrong! Maybe the school you want to attend does indeed have an AO reader who is not open to the use of poetic license and values instead good conventional composition. So... well, it is just like anything else in life: use your intuition! :-)