Undergraduate / Common App. - Inspiring person to run for Governor [7]


This is a very good question! I'll answer it with an example related to another of your questions...
er, actually, I canot find any spot where you are guilty of telling instead of showing. You told a story that demonstrates something about your character: you are willing to learn, you are humble, you are serious about accomplishment.. it makes the reader like you! It makes the reader know that you are a serious student. The fact that you were selected for Girls State is enough to show seriousness, but in fact you went miles beyond that by telling this story...

So, what you did here really showed the reader what you are about. TELLING would be like this:
"I have always had high standards for myself, and I feel proud of my accomplishments, but I also am willing to listen to the advice of others." This makes a reader say, "Well that is nice, but words are cheap."

About the Dr. Seuss thing... it would be nice if you had a reference to the good doctor in the beginning of the essay, too, so that this would wrap it up by coming full circle back to Seuss... but actually, the abrupt reference to him works, I think. You said he was "right" and that was enough to make me understand that you were ending with a relevant quote. I think it works!

About the cliches... yes,they are cliches. But not bad ones! Change them if you come up with clever alternatives.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My goal is becoming a successful nurse" - Personal statement for UW [6]

When I say philosophy of medicine, I am talking about what makes you interested in nursing and what nursing concepts interest you most. For example, I read recently about "transcultural nursing," which I think you would be interested in because you are an international student.

I think the essay would be improved if you told a little more about what "drives" you... and that means, "What is important to you, and what makes you want to be a nurse?"

Your personal statement should include more than just your history and experiences. It is a statement of your intentions. So... I think you should write a little about what is important to you and what you hope to accomplish. :-)

Undergraduate / Challenge or experience that helped you learn what is important to you [12]


If you had no challenge, then you had nothing that was important to you. Let's get fired up, now, and dig deep. You are capable of writing something excellent.


I don't know if I agree. I would advise against writing about a mayonnaise jar or video game.

Actually, I think the best thing to do is use this as an opportunity to write about something related to your field of interest.

If you have no field of interest yet, be creative. Choose a field of interest tentatively. Even if you do not plan to declare a major, you can write about a career that interests you.

The way to do that here is to write about a challenge that inspired you toward a particular career. If you were mistreated, maybe you are interested in social work. If you were wronged in a legal sense, maybe you are interested in law. If you experienced the illness or death of a loved one, maybe you feel motivated toward health care.

See, the thing is, just having passion for a subject can be a source of a challenge. It also can be associated with memories of experiences.

The problem is that you were not inspired yet, so you felt like this was impossible, but when you have lots of energy and creativity, you will be able to know with certainty what is important to you.

Graduate / Life Decision - narrative of why I will like to be a Physician Assistant [8]

I will never let death to catch up with people when there are possible medical solutions.
This is a powerful sentence, and I don't think you need to change it, but be warned that if you are determined to succeed every time you might start to burn out. Take care of yourself! We are lucky to have medical professionals with this kind of attitude.

Spelling: Truly the heart attack was...

Undergraduate / An itellectually engaging experience ("I was highly imaginative") [4]


Don't waste words telling the reader obvious things.

It is here where I find ...

You write so well!! But I want to tell you... this stuff has to be cut:
Ever since I was a young girl I was highly imaginative. I loved to read, and found myself ... It's all sort of common and unimpressive... the impressive thing is to articulate a single concept (i.e. idea) clearly... explain an idea at the start, and let the reader feel sure of what you are writing about. For a short essay, you need to get right to the point!! So.. to be honest, this needs to be rewritten, but I have confidence in your excellent writing style. So, enjoy it!!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Schools should ask students to evaluate their teachers. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

In additional addition, each student's level of understanding is different, so school can make divisions depending on students' understanding levels and teachers' teaching methods. Some students are very sharp and some students are have low understanding levels. If teachers teach subjects with methods that accommodate very low levels of understanding, intelligent students get bored and might be they distracted. Evaluation of teachers from students may help schools to make proper decisions .

Undergraduate / Congressional Appointment Essay: "Why I want to attend a military academy?" [3]

Hey, you write very well. I'll give you a pointer that is not a big deal, but... it m,akes writing nicer. Use a comma before the conjunction in a compound sentence (Strunk & White).

Today, I believe the most serious threat to our nation comes from beyond our borders , and that's why my focus is on serving in the military. Since 9/11, our nation has led the fight against terrorism, but we ...

Again here:
I welcome this challenge to serve, and I believe our
But you can also do this:
I welcome this challenge to serve and I believe our ...--- no comma necessary because without "I" it is not a compound sentence.

...to the U.S. Air Force Academy, and I am honored and humbled ...

Now.. about the content.. it is very eloquent, but it can be improved if you demonstrate some knowledge of the field you are entering, relevant current events (more specific than what you already wrote)... but really, this is already more impressive than most essays, I think!

Undergraduate / Fat Kid on The Swim Team: Common App Essay [11]

This is perfect. This essay is full of wisdom, and the title is excellent... it's like... a real demonstration of not only excellent writing but also of an excellent way of living. MAny factors affect whether people are fat or thin, and it is heroic of you to set an example for others who may lack such confidence.


I changed a semi-colon to a dash. Look up the rules on uses of semi-colons and dashes. I think you may be technically correct, but I think a dash is better.

And here is a comma problem:

My weight may inhibit record-breaking times, but in the end it will not define me.---- no need for those extra commas.

Check out Strunk and White. You write very well. I'm really happy to have been able to offer these little suggestions. Good luck with your applications; please continue participating her if you have time!! By the way, I am pretty confident that lifting weights at 210 will turn all of that into muscle. Lifting tones your muscles and causes them to constantly burn calories.

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


That is a great choice!! Is it ... um... I think you reversed the names though: chinua achebe

I think it will be impressive if you can discuss the theme a little bit. AND make connections to things going on in the contemporary world.

Undergraduate / Soccer as a way to gain leadership skills - short answer for Common App. [3]


You stand out because of good writing. The content includes no spectacularly novel ideas, but it is very well written. The abruptnes you mention is hard to avoid when they impose a limit of 150 words, and actually, abrupt writing is awesome!! Many of the most popular writers are very abrupt, and it captures people's attention.


Do you really think the admissions essay will influence your chances of making the team? I don't really think it matters, but I could be wrong.

Most importantly, be confident, because you did very well with this, and it contains real energy that most writing lacks. I think it is a winning essay!

Michael may be right about the contractions. It depends on the reader's ideas... it may or may not be safe to use them. I think, however, that it is okay to say "soccer, for me, ... "---- because you are expressing something particular to you.

One more thing: Hey Michael!! Good call... the ending is not worthy of the rest of the essay! The ending could be more original and pack a harder punch.

Writing Feedback / GRE:ISSUE218 - "In order for any work of art-whether film, literature, sculpture, [4]


I agree that it is wordy at the start, but it could also be changed so that "as far as I am concerned" is okay. It is redundant to say "as far as I am concerned" and also "I disagree" but you could do this:

As far as I am concerned, I disagree with the author although the statement is seemingly reasonable, but it is those previously nonmainstream forms of art that had have been the ones that ...

And here, this is awkward: ultimately altered and pushed forward the ar t.
...have been the ones that changed people's ways of thinking about art.

However, if a work of art is merely understandable to people without any actual meaning, does it necessarily has have the merit to bring people joy and happiness?

You make some good points! Indeed, the purpose of art seems to be to enable us to express ideas that are not always easily understood!

Writing Feedback / Transportation is one of the source which convert area from rural to urban [5]

Transportation is one of the source factors which convert areas from rural to urban.

It functions to develop the area.

It increases communication between two places, and it may be country to country,state to state or rural place to urban place.

To have effective transportation, good roads and highways and good sources of transportation will be required.

However, we have many sources of transportation, but without good roads it becomes costly.

Increased consumption of fuel and increased cost of maintenance of vehicles will hike the prices of transportation.

Keep practicing!! Please try to make these changes, and post a new draft. Do you have questions about the corrections? Some of your sentences were hard to figure out, but most had clear meaning despite some errors.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers?--Toefl essay [4]


Hey, it looks like I forgot to add the word "of."

That's how the first and perhaps most important part of education starts.

I agree with Adrienne.

These are all correct:
Perhaps the weather will improve.
Maybe the weather will improve.
The weather may improve.

Perhaps and maybe are synonyms.

Writing Feedback / How important are staff working condition? Employers role? [2]

In many companies, staff working condition is a matter of great con cern. --- This is a difficult sentence to write correctly...

In many companies, staff working conditions for the staff represent a matter of great concern.

Kimayu made some great suggestions. Here are some more:
Admittedly , many companies in the market produce the same kinds of product but with different quality. Why is one chosen by masses of patrons r ather than others? It is clear that people tend to select the good standard products with affordable prices . In the long run, such people are likely to become the company's loyal customers and pass their preference recommendations on to their relatives and friends.

You should type the essay again and try to use these corrections. If you still have mistakes, we will see them and help you fix them! :-)

Writing Feedback / Playing sports teaches people more lessons about life. [2]

First and foremost, if people keep on training hard for a long period of ti me, they will have courage to conquer any challenge in their future.

The Last but not the least, risky sports can provide people with confidence.

Hey, this is so excellent. You must have many years of practice with the English language, or maybe you grew up in a bilingual household? This is really very good.

You mention communication skills as a benefit... and I think you should mention communication in the first sentence of the paragraph about teamwork. That is something that might make the essay's structure a little better.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay : Role of mobile phones. [2]

Work on singular and plural:
Mobile phones and its their...

This is even better:
Mobile phones and its related technologies can be...

So, do this:
Mobile phones and related technologies can be considered as one...---- but they are not one. They are several:
So, use the word some:
Mobile phones and related technologies can be considered as some of the most promising inventions of the twentieth century.

These features allow us to keep in touch with our family members and beloved once ones without any barriers.---- I think you made a mistake with "ones" and "once."

:-)

It can be conclude that people still prefer to use of mobile phone as equipment which helps with their personal life rather than the professional life.

Undergraduate / What is Yet to come (using song lyrics): AP English Essay [2]

Your opening paragraph needs revision. The first sentence seems to have nothing to do with the second sentence. Think about what you want the reader to get as the first idea of this essay, and give a sentence that expresses that idea. Do not include unrelated sentences, like this one I am a teenager, a teenager with an abundance of hopes and dreams. That has nothing to do with the point you make in that paragraph, so think of what would be a better sentence to replace it.

You used contemplate incorrectly. You mean 'expect' or 'anticipate'...

In MLA style, the parenthetical reference should come before the period:
"so I been tryin' to slow it down" (Chesney).

Name Here, thanks for the great work you did! Yamela, can you post a new draft with the mistakes corrected? Then I will look to see if you still have mistakes.

Writing Feedback / My relationship with my family (mother / father / step parents / siblings) [5]

You need a comma and an apostrophe:
My parents were not married when I was born, and because of this I was not allowed to take my father's last name.

Oh, I just noticed that you say you already turned it in. I'm sorry I could not help sooner.

Here is a misplaced comma:
Shortly after I was born my mother became pregnant again,.

Undoubtedly my mother would say no Jennifer was fighting with Thomas today. --- The no in this sentence does not seem to fit.

Despite some errors, the way you captured experiences and conveyed them here is excellent, and I think this will be successful. I do hope you will use paragraphs more in the future, though. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence, and do not forget to start a new paragraph when you start a new topic. Yes, even though there are errors, this essay is real art. Don't forget that all the greatest minds are the ones that suffered much; incidentally, many of the most useless people I know are the ones who have not suffered much!

Speeches / A speech to be dictated soon (a new branch of the existing consultancy) [3]


Here is an unnecessarily capitalized w.

'timely basis'--- in not correct, but I see that Yayz provided a solution. Notice also the misspellings she corrected and that a period is necessary at the end of this sentence:

In a timely basis, we have provided college...

Please make the corrections suggested by Yayz and post a new draft. That way, we can search for any errors that you still may have.

Thanks, Maria, for all the time you spent here!

Undergraduate / "What don't you know?" - Brown Essay [4]


500 words is not enough for something to drag on unless you really have very little to say. It's less than 2 pages.

I don't think you answered the question yet. You wrote about the importance of humility and open mindedness, it seems, but you did not discuss subjects that involve a lot you do not know. What are the subjects you most desperately need to learn more about if you are to succeed in your chosen field?

You can also write about things at Brown you are curious about, or the surrounding area, like Thayer Street and historic Providence... but relate everything to your chosen field, if you have one. If you do not have one, maybe you need to take a year off before entering college so you can figure yourself out.

:-)

Undergraduate / About Athletics, Undergrad Common App Short Essay - one of you activities [5]

apostrophe:
starter's

You say you think this is crappy, but actually how are you judging it? How do you think it is being judged? The important point is to provide the reader with an experience and enable the reader to share the excitement you have about this activity.

It also is important to show that you write well.. Here are a few ideas:

Capitalize the letter I when you use it as a word!

This is a run on sentence:
Athletics has been an integral part of my life, ever since my young days i loved running.
Fix it this way:
Athletics has been an integral part of my life, ever since my young days when I acquired my love for running.

...get up at 5am every day to train...

I like the ending.

Undergraduate / "Quitting soccer" - meaningful event. UF college application essay [8]


Nice sentence!!

had also become the student I had striven to be.

On New Year's Eve in 2001, I buzzed from flower to flower in my household, but one was missing. --- awesome... here is another good sentence..

On May 2009, a flower was shriveling as the liquid within it was absorbed with strive. --- I don't understand this use of "strive."

I don't understand the paragraph about 2001.

You write very well, obviously, but I think you should spend more time talking about your philosophy of medicine, your plans for the time you spend in college preparing for med school, and the medical specialization you have in mind (even if it might change).

Undergraduate / "In Search of Schrodinger's Cat" Describe a creative work and its influence on you [7]

Incomparable "beyond compare" is like what you seem to mean, here... but I think a better word might be... well.. the term "beyond comparison" might be better.

Incomparable is not quite right...

I think we should streamline this and put it in the first person perspective: Take, for example, the desk in front of you me. I feel the toughness of the wood, but in fact the table isn't made out of particles, but instead, it's just a load of waves -- like a beam of light.

It is always better to explain in first person rather than presuming to speak to the reader. That is, when you are a student. When you write a text book, it will be alright to presume the reader's perspective.

I have read that matter can take the form of waves or particles, depending on the circumstances of observation.

I'm assuming non-fiction still comes under creative work, yes?-- yes. They even mentioned science.

Due to these two revelations, I have been able to greatly increase my knowledge of physics. --- this sentence can be more meaningful if you get specific and tell something substantial in the sentence rather than just using it to usher in that paragraph.

This is impressive! I think it will be a success.

Undergraduate / "the gift of giving" (quality accomplishment) - UC prompt #2 [6]


This is the soul of the essay, right here. This is the experience. Do not use the word volunteering more than once in this essay, because it is not about volunteering, and volunteering is something admissions readers see all the time. Write about that moment.

Then, write about 'how it relates to the person you are.' You can do this by writing about your chosen field and how it helps you add happiness to people's days. Are you going into the field of medicine? That would be great...

Anyway, do not write about volunteering. Mention that you met the woman while you were volunteering, but do no twrite the conclusion paragraph all about volunteering. Let this be about a moment and about your reflection on that moment. Let it also be about your future as you tell how it will affect your professional life.

Undergraduate / "That someone was me"; The American Dream [8]


This is great... The sentence that begins with "turns out" is such a great sentence. The reader really appreciates it when you say something funny like that...

...every single one player ran out to give me a hug.

...was not confident about my capabilities.

This is a great essay!!!

Writing Feedback / Gap years between finishing high school and starting university. [8]

In some cultures, they are encouraged to do so while in other cultures, like mine, they are not.

In my country, most parents believe that higher education means better quality of life, which is why they force their children to spend as much time as they can studying. Their intentions are benevolent; I mean, every parent wishes their offspring a successful life .

There is no right or wrong answer to the question about t aking a break between one educational phase and another.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE AW eassy_ how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. [2]

When it comes to solving the above problem, the first question we have to answer is "What is GOOD society in real meaning?"

In the above problem, it looks like require children to draw egos. --- I am confused about this part...

Every art teacher has the same purpose in their mind, which is let children draw an ego into paper which is as similar as possible with the one on the table. --- still, I don't understand.

Use a topic sentence to tell the main idea you are going to express in that paragraph.
So do not write this:
In addition, we have to take the factor of children into consideration.
Instead, Write this:
In addition, we have to take the factor of children into consideration. consider the fact that some children will naturally have more aptitude and ability than others in any given subject.

Please work on that confusing part in the long paragraph that I did not understand! about the ego...

:-)

Undergraduate / "My greatest fear in life...is wasting it." Northeastern Med School (NEUCOM) essay [5]

This is good writing, and you are one of the lucky ones whose brains work in very sophisticated ways. Yet, it makes you tend to be dramatic in a way that creates a lot of words. The stuff is all good, but it can be refined. It can be said in subtler ways with fewer words so that the reader gets to do some of the work, some of the self-expression.

For example, if you force yourself to write that whole first paragraph in a single sentence, I am sure it will be a hell of a sentence.

Also...
For someone like me, someone who does not want to waste life, helping people is my one goal. After all, most people will agree that Spending and devoting your life to the benefit of others is the best way that a person can live, the best way that he or she can utilize his or her time on earth. --- this is a powerful sentence. It really shows why you want to enter the field. I think I agree with you!!! Remember, though, that you can help in other ways. For example, you can work to ensure people can all have health care. Nevertheless, actually learning medicine is the best way!!!!

When you use 'grandfather' this way, it doe snot get capitalized:
I reached this conclusion after hearing stories from my Grandfather grandfather, who was himself a doctor before he retired. W working for the government of Pakistan. He went all over Africa to deliver aid to impoverished areas and spent all of his adulthood devoted to this cause, despite the fact that he could have stayed at home. But he had no regrets. He loved ... the kind of life I want to live. ---- nice! I was planning to use this paragraph as an example of a paragraph that could be accomplished using only half the number of words you used, but I actually only cut out a few.

In general, though, you, like other good writers, need to revise by cutting out some content. Make it sleek.

Give this its own paragraph:
My desire to be a doctor, a desire that...

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]


Yep, keep practicing and improving, and keep helping other people with their essays, too. Thanks!

Undergraduate / Indirect Sexism - Common App Essay [6]


You know, there is something fundamentally disadvantageous about that. Wearing heels makes you less about to run and fight if necessary, so you just cannot project your personal power in the same way you could if you wore something more appropriate.

Society has us wearing things like shoes and ties.

I guess it is necessary to be completely eccentric in order to break away from all societal expectations. People appreciate eccentrics with special talents.

More and more, I consider myself a feminist, too, even though I am male. I see that the planet is screwed up and society is full of vicious competition and duplicity. Men have been the ones with the political power and influence all over the world throughout history, and they have mucked it up. And the way they mucked it up was by dominating things and depleting them, competing, conquering, and so forth.

Women are not convicted of violent crimes as often as men, because they are more sensible in a way...

The way we dressed, whether it was a suit for me or skirts for other girls, had nothing to do with our ability to execute and do our work.---- I think you can go deeper than this... do not just write about the fact that attire has nothing to do with it; write about your observations, people's apparent perceptions, and other issues related to the situation.

For example, when little boys interact with adults, they are encouraged to be tough, but girls are encouraged to be cute. Then, when they get older and enter a competitive program like yours, people expect them to be less tough and it is because of the way adults tend to treat young girls and young boys differently.

You have good ideas, and you write well!

Essays / Issue of importance essay - should it be related to our major? [5]


Like Jon said, it is good but not necessary. Another purpose for this kind of essay prompt is to see how well you can express your ideas. Just do a great job! However, your career as an engineer must reflect something about your philosophy of life... if you had no strong opinions, you would not know what profession appeals to you. So... those same opinions manifest in other ways related to social issues. You can find a common denominator. :-)

Undergraduate / "My goal is becoming a successful nurse" - Personal statement for UW [6]

...very good marks on fairly almost every subject; especially I was strong at science and math. However, I did not have any ...

I chose to go to Seattle central community college Central Community College because I can get high school diploma and associate degree at the same time within 2 years.

Very good!! I think you should add some mention of nursing to paragraph one. You did not know why you were studying during primary school, but destiny would have you enter a nursing program. Mention nursing in that first paragraph!

Also, can you write a little about your philosophy of medicine?

Writing Feedback / Choose one resource that is disappearing to save it - toefl test [4]

I like your first sentence a lot!

Within Among the resources that are most critical is water. Many people think...

When I was a child, I do not ...---- this is incorrect.
I do not have any childhood memories of hearing anybody speaking about the importance of the water.

A strategy to solve the need that generates the limitation of problems associated with scarcity of this resource has been the use of seawater for specific activities such as, copper mine process.

The lack of water is the most important problem that society must solve if wants to last for more time and to leave a good legacy for next future generations. While people, governments and enterprises do not ...

I agree!!

Book Reports / Essay-comparing 2 books The Book Thief and All Quiet on the Western Front-feedback [3]

Just because two books are taken stories take place in two different time periods does not mean the characters will not have similar aspects and emotions.--- This is good, but I want you to add one more sentence after it. Add a thesis statement that tells the main message you want the reader to remember about your essay.

Use a pair of dashes:
The one emotion that is important for survival -- to keep people from dying so easily, to stop people from doing the craziest things -- is fear.

He also feared for about his mom who was...

I see that your main theme involves the emotions of "love" and "concern," so mention those words in the thesis sentence that you add to the end of the first paragraph. :-)

Writing Feedback / Schools should ask students to evaluate their teachers. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

Some get the chance to learn, but others are not so lucky.

It is my personnel opinion that students can judge better to their teachers in a useful way. There are many reasons to believe for my personnel opinion on above statement.

The main reason is that each teacher's teaching style involves different techniques .

Some teacher read just the text book without knowing students' understanding level. Some teachers teach with smaller important points and progress toward the most important points; some teacher teach with examples and jokes, some teacher teach with diagrams . The teacher assumes that their teaching techniques are good and understand understood very well by students, but its not true. It is depends on how students like the teacher's teaching method. If we allow ...

'favorite' is a noun. You cannot use the word 'very' before a noun.
Partiality means a teacher 's behavior is different depending on students. Some students are very favorites and some are disliked by the teacher, so the teacher's behavior is depends on his liking of some students more than others.

In additional each student's level of understanding is different, so school can divide or make division depending on students' understanding levels and teachers teaching methods. some Some students are very sharp and some students are ...

Furthermore, new ideas and teaching methods will be introduce d by students if school gives a chance student to evaluate their teachers.--- good point! You could write a whole paragraph about new teaching methods that could be created based on student evaluations.

Undergraduate / "Music is my life" - Extracurricular Elaboration for Common App [6]

Music has been an instrumental part of my life for as long as I can remember. It Music has transcended the characterization as a hobby and become something far more: a way of life.

This whole essay is awesome. I like how you come up with equivilents of musical attributes in other aspects of life. The second half of the last sentence is a little boring, but other than that I would not want you to change anything.

Notice, though, that (above) I scratched out your cliched first sentence!! :-)

Writing Feedback / Low salary and more vacation time or high salary and less vacation - TEOFL [3]

Add one more sentence to that first paragraph. Make it a sentence that tells the main idea about why you choose low pay + vacation. This will be your thesis sentence.

A job with more vacation time brings us more time to spend with our family and friends. With the pressure of the society, we all need the time to relax ourselves. More vacation time undoubtly offers us more freedom to spend time with our family and friends. This is almost

And this may also benefit us in our work field, accelerating the process to get promoted.

ALSO, IF YOU TAKE the low paying job with more vacation time, you can use the vacation time to work on your own lucrative part time business or to apply for jobs that offer BOTH high pay and vacation.

:-)

Essays / The Truman Show - sociological and cultural issues [2]

Hi Stezon... I think the important point to notice is that they want observation of cultural changes. But if we are observing the modern culture of Truman show, what changes can we discuss? I think we need to tak about the way culture changed in the years that led up to the time in which the film takes place.

It is an era of much advertising and consumerism. Also, digital media brought in an era in which people are especially fascinated with 'reality tv,' an important theme in the film.

Discuss this consumer culture in which the film takes place!! I think you'll have a great paper, because you can describe the way people are fascinated with reality in these modern times.

Undergraduate / UIUC Admissions Essays; Graphic Design and Track and Field [3]

...a compromise between both computers and art: graphic design.

Although For a while, my heard had been set on drafting.

... an impression of what how life as a graphic designer would be. My goal is to obtain my Masters of Fine Arts in Graphic Design and continue life with a career in graphic design.

More nervous than I had ever been in my entire life, I rocked back and forth concentrating on my approach. It was my...

Can you identify a truth about life and effort... something associated both with track/high jump and your chosen field of graphic design... how is design like a high jump?

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App. - Inspiring person to run for Governor [7]

No need for comma or 'that'
...you would think that there would be little chance of her talking to me.

I wanted to be everything that I wasn't. But I was different in my own way, and that's why my city supported me.

On the day of the convention election, while giving my speech, I looked to the back (no need for a comma here) to find her sitting there.

Very good!! I hope Sarah gets to read this one day...