Undergraduate / UT Topic A -- Influential Person (My Parents) [6]

Ever since those early years my parents had shown me the value of family and of excelling in every endeavor I undertook. --- This sentence does not prove anything, does not mean much. It is the last sentence of the first paragraph, so it should be a sentence that tells the reader something you want the reader to remember.

The last sentence of the first paragraph is one that sets the theme for the whole essay. Write this sentence in a way that captures the 'moral of the story,' the theme of the essay.

Scratch out what is boring and begin para #2 with what is exciting:
I soon began attending school in Hong Kong. I was enormously excited for my first day...

By doing this, my mom not only taught, but showed me set an example about the value of a good education, and of pursuing your dreams.

Very impressive!!!

Poetry / Poetry Analysis on " To an Athlete Dying Young" [5]

Very nice intro!!!
When time passes, things are forgotten. People who have achieved greatest successess drift off into the ground.
Use a question mark:But what if soon after their peak of glory they die?

Would the memory of them remain at the same? In the poem " To an Athlete Dying Young" by A.E. Houseman the ...

Oh, so they carried him in victory, and they carried his casket in death.

Here is the correct way to quote in " " marks:
In the third stanza the narrator says, "Smart lad to slip betimes away from fields were where glory does not stay," which basically says that it was good of for him to die early because if he would have had lived on the townspeople who once admired him would have soon forgotten him.

Undergraduate / Class President uncovers school scandal essay. [3]

Five members of student council sat across the massive oak table, all with a looks of disgust on their faces as I arrived . ---- I like it this way.

I think you should rewrite your first paragraph so that it becomes a paragraph about the main lesson this experience taught you about the nature of vires.

I had to stand up for what was right; I wouldn't back down as a coward. Student Council finished sharing their thoughts, and the principal turned to me. I started slowly , my mind carefully examining every word before I spoke. I couldn't afford a misstep.

The advisor adviser told me I didn't have ...

Very good!! Ha ha, I love it. Were the student council members really making money at the end of the year? That is pretty crazy...

Graduate / Life Decision - narrative of why I will like to be a Physician Assistant [8]

Meanwhile I was seven years old at that time, so I believed that as I grew older the appropriate decision about my career would be made.

It is better to use seven instead of 7.

This is powerful writing: God knows where she headed.

Death, you are a thief.--- very nice... you are great! I'm glad you will enter the medical field.

Writing Feedback / Some young people believe not staying with parents and some believe in staying. [2]

Hello Yats, I hope Maria's corrections are easy for you to understand. Do you have any questions? I also wanted to work with this sentence for you:

According to Maria's feedback:
It is believed that a young person usually makes decisions aggressively, which may benefit him or may cause some harm in his future life. --- this is now correct.

Can you make more corrections based on what Maria said? Is any of this confusing for you?

Writing Feedback / Why do some students study abroad? Review my TOEFL. [2]

...that these situation are more common.--- is this supposed to say 'common'??

Also, I think you should list the three reasons in a single sentence at the end of paragraph number one. That way, the reader will understand easily what you mean.

If you type the essay again and use Lorena's corrections, I think it will help you improve! Just try! Even if you make more mistakes, we will keep trying to help you improve your skill.

:-)

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

It is TOO common for people interested in engineering to tell childhood stories about tinkering with devices and taking them apart. It is so common. I really like your intro paragraph, though. However, I want to suggest that you take away the material in para #2 so that you can start getting to the point of expressing your intellectual interests... your engineering ideas.

As I grew up, my curiosity was not only limited to the workings of toys and other playthings. I progressively got more and more diverse in my choice all this stuff is too slow. Get right into the present moment where you have particular ideas and a strong vision of your success at this particular school.

My interests obviously spilled over into my school life. I have always immensely enjoyed the academic and practical study of mathematics, ...emerging issues. The enthusiasm I have for this course is unquantifiable and I believe I will be able to utilize--- all this stuff is too general, too simple. Imagine if you were already an experienced engineer. What interests might you have in attending a school like this? What resources would an experienced engineer use? Who are your favorite professionals in chem. engineering?

I think this essay is good, but it will be better if you write about your professional interests and show that you have knowledge of the field already.

Graduate / Masters of Law program - the opening paragraph of my statement. [3]

"I have always been equally interested in Business and Law. I always wanted to pursue a feild field that amalgamates both while providing equal meaningful opportunities. At first, I did not know what to do with this passion of mine , but soon I realized that I was able to incorporate Business into Law in future by specializing in a either Business Law after receiving undergraduate degree in law."

This is good, but it is a little too simple. Everyone knows about the field of business law, and someone like you probably sees it as an obvious choice.

Instead of telling us you want to combine the 2 fields, tell us what you want to accomplish -- what industries interest you? What moral convictions drive you?

:-)

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


Yep, well as you said you need the best combination for each patient. But part of the equation is you. If I were applying right now, I would tell them that my interests are most interested by the work of Maslow (The hierarchy), Frankl, (logotherapy) Ellis (REBT), and Ericksonian hypnosis. If you tell what most inspires you, that does not preclude anything. Anyone can say they will use a combination of techniques, but showing what methods you favor proves that you really are serious and well-read. :-)

And as Ershad mentioned, psychiatry involves prescribing meds, setting it apart from other applications of psych. We as readers want to know you and all the details about you.

Oh.. I see some interesting discussion between you two about that... Well these are very good, anyway! I like "medley of theory "

Undergraduate / "Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life [8]

comma:
"Pumpernickel, do not ...

I like it! This one really gives the reader a cool experience as we see you interacting with the cat.

Writing Feedback / It is impossible for a man to stay alone - groups are part of human's life [9]

Nowadays every areas have organizations and groups. A group might be formed by small or large number of people but has a common interest or goal as an example group of manufacturing people, group of labor or group of religion. Groups are an important part of some people's lives. There are many reasons people like to join or stay with groups. These reasons involve humans' desire to form a society, share knowledge, and work together.

The main reason is human being like to form a ....

ABOVE, this shows how you can tell the reader EVERYTHING covered in your essay in a single sentence. That way, the reader will understand what you mean while reading the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

You know what... any school with an AO reader that cannot appreciate this is not the school you want to attend. This has real value as art, unlike some admissions essays. Well done!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay : Should Society Ban All Forms of Advertising? [8]

Good points, Preacherjew, so you think it is not good to ban advertising. I guess I think it is actually not possible to ban advertising, because people will always find a way to promote their products and services.

Advertising revenue pays for television networks, so entertainment and advertising are mutually dependent on one another.

Undergraduate / High School Chess Championships: A winner [10]

Thanks! Maybe i'll check out caissa!!

Undergraduate / "I faced my fears" - College Admission Test Essay [5]

When I was a kid, I lack the confidence to reach what I aim for.

I was shy and silent, i was the kid who never started conversations.--- this is a run on sentence.

Don't capitalize older:
When i grew Older,I ...

Be consistent: improved ----> increased
...improved my self esteem and increased my confidence by facing my fears, forgetting all failures and learning from them.----- Now this is a very good sentence!!!

I became an assertive person, i always look up to my goal of finishing my school and having a stable job., even if i don't excel much at school, i still but I give what I can to prove to myself that i can do it to...--- I took out the part about not doing well. :-)

Research Papers / idea and list the research topic in software engineering [4]

Have you found any articles that include a cost model in software engineering?
If so, please tell me the name of the article and I'll discuss it with you.

You MUST find articles about software engineering that have cost models. By reading about them and understanding them in other people's projects, you become an expert, and you become able to use them, too.

If you find some sources written in your native language, I think that will help! :-)

Undergraduate / Ties, Girls and Universal Primary Education. Common App Essay. [6]


Ha haha, well sometimes you have the energy of inspiration as you write, and it gets into the prose. I think you started by writing the first paragraph, but you were not inspired. By the end of the first paragraph, you settled into that energized mind of inspiration... Many of my friends find my commitment to the Model United Nations peculiar...

Undergraduate / any significant experiences you had or accomplishments to define you as a person? [3]

It's hard to start if you don't have a sense of purpose. Your purpose is to show them how serious you are about this program of study. Some students have a real dream, a vision for the future, and other students just go to school because they have to.

USE THIS OPPORTUNITY to express ideas and influences someone's state of mind. In life, this is all there is.

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]


Go deeper. Your life story does reflect the commitment, but what GENERATES the commitment? What drives you?

You can tell them about a feeling you have and about an opinion. You are committed for a reason. As you explain the commitment, tell about the examples of your work that demonstrates commitment. Do not just tell about your work. Also tell about your driving philosophy.

Graduate / Cultures of West and East; SOP in Entrepreneurship (study plan) [7]

Here is a little correction:
Nowadays, there are more and more people who have a great idea and then want to set up their own business, but they are usually fail because of lack of professional methods.

This is a verb tense correction.
Thus, over the past twenty years, China is has been filled with Taiwanese entrepreneurs who want to take a chance on...

During this entire month, John has been doing well in school.
For 7 days, John has been coming home early.

And past tense is like this:
Last week, John came home early.

Speeches / Speech about the places of interest in Penang Island [4]

Tourist Tourists usually ...

My family and I also got to visit the famous Kek Lok Si Temple.The Kek Lok Si Temple stands majestically on a hill at Ayer Itam.It boasts its beautifully crafted Pagoda of Ten Thousand Bhuddas.

Last but not least,we went to Batu Feringgih.Batu Feringgih is simply a nice beach to go to.The white sand and the crystal clear sea water is what makes this place so speacial special. Not to mention, I even ...

Good! Not many mistakes. You should include a joke or two so that the audience will relax. :-)

Poetry / Suggestions for my poem : "My Flight". [10]


Yes, it's as Azeri said. Give some ideas to other writers by clicking on UNANSWERED and just talk with them about the essays. You do not have to make corrections. Just tell about what was confusing, what was powerful, etc. Give ideas.

Then you'll see an option to open a NEW THREAD.

Dissertations / PhD topic in Soft Computing Application in ECG [5]

So, when you read an article about improving ECG automatic analysis (whatever that means), Don't you see how researchers are trying logical methods to try to improve practice? You have to jump in and help them.

At this particular point in history, the scholarly discourse about this subject has reached a particular point. You must catch up completely to the conversation and say something that is meaningful now.

Based on innovations by your colleagues and experts, what is the next step: a case study? a survey project? a quantitative analysis of product sales or usage? grounded theory analysis of interview data?

What is the next thing to do now that you have seen the most recent articles written?

Undergraduate / Cubicle no 9: common app: Under which topic does this essay fits in [3]

I had some work wih with my senior about my biology practials practicals; so I had to leave the room,and it was not until 5pm that I returned to muy my room.

As I entered the room; The room was just the same; all my hours of remodeling (Tell the reader clearly what was gone... not 'hours of remodeling"... let the reader see images.) was gone; like "abracadabra" and whoshh

My three friends were just busy with their own jobs,they appeared to be .---- this sentence seems unclear.

I was disheartened as they did not speak with me and didn't care to bring up the topic,but later after supper I spoke my heart out.--- very good!!

It was me against my dearest friends; me against the wrong; I did the right thing, but I did it against the wishes of my friends.

After all,it was this cubicle who gave me message of friendship.--- I like this last sentence.

To make your writing clearer, always tell the reader only 1 thing at a time. Give a sentence to tell one thing, and then write more sentences so that it becomes a paragraph about that same thing. Every paragraph is about just one thing. That way, when you write a whole paragraph about one thing, the reader always understands you and appreciates your clarity.

Writing Feedback / Environemtal problem, to inculcate a sense of genuine commitment [4]

I think it is better to be more conventional in this intro:
Boosting the price of fuel is one way to solve the world's environmental problem, but it is not the only way, nor is it the best way.--- this is a powerful sentence. I think it is better as one long sentence.

I think your last paragraph should be much longer. You made some great observations, and you obviously have thought deeply about this. Give a big fat conclusion pararaph in which you discuss the implications of what the essay has shown. You wrote such a good essay that you deserve to be able to express yourself in a few more sentences during that conclusion. You earned it! So, what more do you want the reader to think about, now that you have made this point? Beef up that conclusion.

Undergraduate / "me giving back to the community" - UC Prompt #1 Help [9]

Here is something I really believe in and use. I think you'll like it!!

THE PURPOSE OF AN ESSAY IS TO EXPRESS AN IDEA

1.) Read an interesting article to get yourself inspired about this subject.
2.) Write several sentences about the topic.Write anyhting that seems significant.
3.) Ask yourself what the main idea is you would like to express if you have to contribute to a discussion of this topic. What do YOU want to contribute?

Write an intro paragraph that ends in a sentence that tells that main idea.

4.) Take some of those sentences you wrote, and use them as topic sentences for paragraphs. Let each topic sentence be an idea that shows how true the thesis statement i (the sentence about the essay's main idea.)

Then, in the conclusion give some extra observation and say whatever you want. It is your time.

That is it.... Start by reading and writing a list of sentences. Decide which sentence is most important to you, and that will be the main idea of your essay. Use other sentences to support that thesis statement.

To have good structure, put a thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph, and make sure all other paragraphs begin with topic sentences that express ideas that support the thesis sentence.

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


This will be better if you tell about some schools of thought you favor... existential, cognitive, etc. What theorists are your favorite? I know you have only 50 words to use, but you should specify which areas of specialization appeal to you.

:-)

I like the first one better, the longer one.


Speed does not propel. Speed is a result of propulsion. Something else is propelling you.... :-)


Yeah, I guess you just choose based on the meter you want for your poem, including poems in the form of essays.

You gave some great answers. They will definitely accept you...

Writing Feedback / A two-paragraph essay about speaking in front of a crowd of people. [4]

I think it should be like this:
They have are not used to speaking reasonably and choosing proper words in daily conversations with their friends and families.

Her words gave me goose bumps. I had not yet mentioned all the lecture points. --- oh, this must have been a bad experience!! I bet you are a good public speaker now.

I like the ending of this.

Speaking to multiple listeners is esay. Enjoy it!! Look at all their little faces, like so many faraway balloons. Give the speech for your own satisfaction and not for anyone else! :-)

Writing Feedback / CBEST essay (Hiking and camping): Memorable childhood experience [3]

After this sentence, I think you should add a thesis statement that intriguingly expresses the main theme of the essay:
My mother and father usually had a tough time forcing me to go out of the house, so convincing me to spend a week hiking was naturally difficult. (add thesis sentence, a sentence that you would use if you were only allowed to write one sentence instead of a whole essay).

Know what I mean? And then this would be the beginning of paragraph 2:
However, our best friends, another family with a...

Here is a nice change to make:
All of a sudden, for a first time I felt truly relaxed, and I realized that there was had been so much nervousness and stress in me that I never knew I had.

If you can connect the mountain theme with your chosen area of study or professional field, it will be even more impressive.

Writing Feedback / It is impossible for a man to stay alone - groups are part of human's life [9]

Wicked good.

:-)

To make a very strong essay, sum up the message of the whole essay by using a THESIS STATEMENT at the end of the first paragraph.

What thesis statement should you use at the end of the first paragraph? I think you should add this sentence to the end:

These reasons involve humans' desire to form a society, share knowledge, and work together.

Graduate / MS in Banking and Finance SOP (too generic? any inconsistencies?) [4]


Nice! That is true in almost everything.

This project will enable me to build my portfolio and gain professional experience sought by employers... or maybe it will turn into a full -fledged software package of its own. Who knows? You I cannot know for sure without trying.

Very impressive. I haven't much to say! Your theme is so clear and meaningful... that is what makes an essay great.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY : CONSUMER SOCIETIES [5]

You can probably do some research and see what kinds of topics are common. Study in advance.

What kinds of topics do you think they usually use?

If you need to write about something you don't understand, it helps to be able to make a small observation and write about some small aspect that you do understand.

Undergraduate / "Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life [8]

This is masterful. I don't know if I could do something that has this kind of subtlety. How did you decide where to include the dialogue? It seems exactly right.

And pumpernickel is an entrancing word...

Only one thing to fix:
I love my little brother, but I don't want to miss any of my activities or do poorly on any of my tests because watching him interferes with my studies.

About Ershad's comments... I really like the sentences about making a mess with pots and pans, and I like the other sentence too! I would not want to lose them. But I totally agree with your other 2 suggestions.

Reyz, I see what you mean. Angelica should mention a bit about the ways she overcomes this obstacle.

Undergraduate / Dropped nursing to English program - Letter of Extenuating Circumstances [3]

Within this letter I will explain the extenuating circumstances that contributed to my academic performance and how the situation has been resolved.
Upon entering the Nursing program, it was evident that it was not suited for me. I was not suited for it.

Even though I managed through my courses, but the applied clinical sessions were very unnerving.

I found myself very uncomfortable in these situations (as many people would) since I had little practice and barely any supervision. ...--- nevermind many people. No making excuses! It is okay that you determined what was not right for you. Now you are ready to dive into your English program.

...took the time to thoroughly research into schools and careers and to talk to guidance councilors about programs in which I would excel. By taking this time I had gained...

You say you did your best when you are reading, writing, and researching. That seems just about perfect. I think the best thing to do is add more about your vision for the future and what you actually want to be doing from 9 to 5 when you enter your profession. Give us a glimpse of the future for you. That proves you have a plan.

Undergraduate / "The Unlikely Candidate": Give background; collegiate ambitions; why this college [3]


Nice sentence, Lele!!

Capitalize Christian.

Is there a word limit, or can this be longer if you want to write more?

I would like it if you wrote one more paragraph to come back to that theme of being an unlikely candidate. :-)

When you respond to other people's essays, please write more than one sentence!!!!!

Writing Feedback / self assesment : attitude towards writing [3]

I think I agree, but what else do you have to say about this essay? Surely you have more insight to contribute.

You can use a semi-colon here:
Another emotion I felt was being overwhelmed; I was overwhelmed when I had due ...

You do seem to write quite well, so i don't know why you lacked confidence. Maybe you just have very high standards. This last sentence has no mistakes, but it is confusing. I think it could be revised:

With this confidence and skill, my future college courses as well as my professional life now and in the future will be more successful.

Another important thing to help with your writing, now that you took this class.
One essay = one big idea
One paragraph = one small idea

Each paragraph begins with a topic sentence. So, a 5 paragraph essay has one main idea expressed in the intro and conclusion, and it has 3 sub-ideas (expressed in the first sentence of each body paragraph).

Doesn't that make writing easy? You can write a 500 word essay based on a single idea that can be explaine with reference to 3 other little ideas.

So, if you need to write a 500 word paper, start by writing the first sentence of each body paragraph. After that, it'll be easy to add more sentences of explanation, example, etc. But EACH paragaph should be about one idea which is expressed int he first sentence.

Undergraduate / Music: elaborating on an extracurricular-feedback! [3]


I think I agree. OR, as an alternative, you can look to see the main idea of the whole thing.. the meaning. Give a thesis statement in place of that boring first sentence. Give a thesis statement that the reader will enjoy and remember... one that conveys the theme you want to convey in these 150 words.


Hey, this is very good!! You write well...
It sounds nice to say 'my listeners and myself' but I think it is more correct to say 'my listeners and me.' YET, I really like your way better! I think it may actually be correct.

Undergraduate / I have tried to be the best son in the world (applying to some IVY schools) [9]

I always try to hide my bad grades, and sometimes lied to them to make them happy only for a moment.

Before I had left to go to America, I never knew that family takes the biggest part of my heart. ---- good sentence!!!

During my first few weeks after I was in America, I was really ...

I like your ideas! Keep practicing, because you had some verb tense mistakes, but I think you are doing very well! How long is your essay supposed to be?

Undergraduate / ACET - significant experiences or accomplishments. [5]

Try to not use the word 'that' unnecessarily:

People often say that we strive and struggle in order to survive, and along the way, we gain experiences that mold our own selves and change it us, either for the better or for the worse.

Because of the knowledge we have gained from these, we learn how to become successful, and we achieve accomplishment, ultimately learning how to make our lives better. However, there is one thing in life that most of our experiences would require of us to have first: the courage and the ability to learn how to take risks.

Start new paragraph:
We wouldn't be able to achieve something just by waiting for things it to happen and for everything to unfold right before our eyes.

I regretted those times when I risk risked things which I know I shouldn't have, just for the sake of risking.--- this sentence is confusing...

All of these experiences in my life had made me realize some things: that letting other things happen doesn't mean that I give up.

Wow, this is excellent! I'm sorry you don't have anyone else to help with it, but we are always here. Also, you don't need much help because you really have important things to say. Some essays do not say important things...

You should talk more about specific accomplishments and how they relate to the chosen profesional field that you are excited about entering.

Writing Feedback / Summarise information about expenses on different items in five different countries in 2002 [4]


Yep, so I was thinking that it would be good for you to give a sentence that tells what each percentage is a percentage of.

Out of 100% of the spending of a particular country (i.e. Italy, for example), 9% goes to clothes.
or
Out of 100% of the spending of all countries involved, 9% is accounted for by the spending from Italy.