Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]


ha ha, pretty astute, ershad. I guess you are right.

One afternoon, after I finished reading "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, I realized that I had lived my entire life as a vermin. --- I thought vermin was plural! I am not sure, and i have a shaky internet connection with my laptop where I am right now, so I can't look it up... but check to make sure it can be used as a singular noun!

Your writing is complex but not pompous, rhythmic but not sing-songy.. it's excellen t. I don't want to mess with it by suggesting changes.. just the grammar stuff. Here is a little oversight: The horror of this possibility and the current dilapidation of society elucidated by "The Metamorphosis" compels compel me to struggle against it.

Oh, here is a cool idea... layers is metaphorical, unless you are talking about a person's layers of skin, fascia and bone... so, add definition to the metaphor as you make the comparison: Like a person, this word has many layers of meaning...

or...
The truths expressed by this word are layered, like those expressed by a person, and the best way to understand it is to go

It's great that you mentioned your chosen field. Psych was my chosen field, too, but watch out! If you get caught up in all the DSM stuff you'll see that a lot of it is precarious! Some of the real enlightened masters include Victor Frankl, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, and (my favorite) Milton Erickson, whose work I hope you'll study!!

Scholarship / Actuarial Science: why your selected degree programme? Scholarship Essay Help. [10]


This is just all about having a plan for your future. Now that I am a grownup, I think I finally understand these essays. The admissions people favor the students who really feel driven, the students that have a mission in mind. What is your mission, the future you want to have?

That is the whole point... and it will make the essay fascinating. I know what is important to me, but I am curious about what is important to other people. Admissions people are the same way: they are curious about why you choose actuarial science.

So begin this essay with an intriguing sentence. End the first para by coming to the point and telling succinctly your answer to their questions.

Use the first sentence of each body para to make a point to help explain your thesis statement.

These are the anchors that give the essay its substance. If you come up with a solid thesis supported by about 7 points (which will become the 'topic sentences' that begin your seven body paragraphs), you will be ready to write about 900 words.

Tell your story! :-)

Grammar, Usage / Help me "flip" a sentence [4]

Here is what I noticed first:
The scar from the accident is a personal reminder that failure is a precursor to success.
I love examples of sentences that get stronger when you eliminate a modifier. (A "modifier" is an adjective or adverb) It's so interesting when a sentence becomes stronger and more poignant with the elimination of an unhelpful modifier.

I think an abrupt use of the word scar could be cool.

How about an action verb...
I use the scar from the accident as a reminder ...

Really, it depends on what you ate trying to accomplish for the reader. What do you want to make the reader feel during this sentence?

By the way, be careful of making a theme out of "learning from my mistakes..." it is overused! Add your own unique twist.

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

I'll cross out some parts that could be cut without hurting the esay too much:

I had been a shy, life-long introvert, so it was, at the least, a shock. As the performance began, I discovered, somewhat to my inconvenience, that my partner had neglected to memorize all of her lines. In "DUO Interpretation," as in any team, responsibility flows in a balance between the two partners.

In eleventh grade, I created the International Humanitarian Club. My dream of helping people all over the world, not just Florida, is no small undertaking so I need the help of a team-the generous members of the IHC. My first task: actually going through the technicalities of founding a club.

Speech and Debate nearly obliterated my shyness--- this is an awesome sentence. It makes the previous sentence about being introverted unnecessary

For this part, I challenge you to say all of it in half the number of words:
In addition to this ... participating in organizations such as the Psychology Club and the Multicultural Psychology Association. --- all this material informs the readers of things that you accomplished. It can take the form of a list if necessary. Make room to discuss the future. :-)

Undergraduate / Essay: Randy Pausch, Someone Important to You [7]


This kind of thing confused me a lot, too, when I was applying for colleges. It is such a strange thing to try to do... reveal yourself as a person. I think this is a bad way to explain what is necessary.

The good way to explain what is necessary is like this: show the reader that YOU understand yourself well enough to HAVE A PLAN, because without a plan you are part of that 75% of students who just go with the flow, being prompted through high school and college by adults.

Revise to take out everything that does not expound your SINGLE, MEMORABLE theme and your clear, detailed PLAN for the next 4 or 5 years. When you are writing about someone who made an impact on you, it is easy to write in terms of your plan, because your plan developed according to the things that have impacted you.

I think you should tell less story and do more to describe your plan.

Book Reports / Thesis for Paradise Lost - original thesis needed [6]

Here is a good source:
kclibrary.lonestar.edu/ParadiseLost.htm

Also, it's good to google this:
paradise lost review
paradise lost analysis
paradise lost themes

You'll find a lot of articles and essays, and you can google around some more to find out abut the writers and their qualifications. When you gain access to a library database, search for this one:

paradise lost analysis

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / To what level do you agree that Unis should accept equal numbers of male and females? [7]

Oh... I didn't know about the changes that were made with the policies. Okay, well the thing I need to tell you is that you DO have the ability to comment on other people's essays. You do not have to correct mistakes. All you have to do is leave a few sentences to tell what the essay made you think of... to tell what the essay reminded you of... tel tell about any parts you did not understand.

You must contribute that way. You can do it! I'm sorry to have to insist, but it is a necessary part of how to learn here. Try to be fearless, and go talk to someone about her essay. She will appreciate it!!

Just do this:
Hello, I am still trying to learn English so I cannot correct mistakes, but I wanted to tell you that I understood that part of the essay where you wrote about _________.

I did not understand the part where you wrote about ___________.
I like the part where you wrote about ___________.

I'm glad you mentioned this!

Essays / Need help for finding a SATIRE movie to write an essay on. [5]

I found some good stuff by googling this:
films satire
... including a list of satirical films through wiki.

Many films critique culture... like A Clockwork Orange. That one is pretty disturbing, though!
Another is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (Hunter Thompson is a hero)

What do you want to see a satire of? How about documentaries, are they allowed? Or is it only film?

Monty Python films are great, too!

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Hello,

I'm going to check on that for you. Please come back and visit this thread tomorrow and with any luck I might have an answer. As far as I know, though, the only way to get an edit here is to post an essay.

Thanks for joining EssayForum!!

Undergraduate / Is God real? Is it true that He's there in times of my deepest sorrow? [7]

Being in the middle of my teenage life, I cannot escape the fact that I'm also in the middle of knowing myself and knowing the world. --- this is weirdly powerful. It is interesting to think of a teenager reflecting on life.

This next sentence needs a verb:
I am using the word "knowing" in a sense of.... -- this makes it very clear and interesting.

Having problems and enemies are natural aspects of life. --- instead, write:
Having problems and enemies is a natural part of life.
It is the core of knowing ones' self, I believe. --- this does not make sense. Having problems and enemies does not make you know yourself.

You write very well! I think you should think of a central theme that you want the reader to remember. Focus on a particular experience and let all this philosophy surround that experience and apply to it.

What is the particular experience? What is the theme of this experience? End the first paragraph with a sentence about your main theme. :-)

Research Papers / I need help writing an essay on children's literature [5]

This requires you to find a story in which the main character has to cope with the absence of a parent. It is even better if you can find a book that is just like the child's situation. For example, with a child whose mother died it might be best to find a book with a character whose mother died. Then again, that might be too direct! So, you can give a great discussion of this.

I think, though, that it will be easy for you to find stories in which the main character has lost a parent. Start by finding a few good stories, and then write the paper based on your professor's instructions. 1,000 words is only 3 or 4 pages. Just give a page about what you have been learning in class (i.e. about how to choose a reading) and about the reading itself.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / toefl--athletic departments should receive the same amount of funding as libraries [11]

Maria is awesome. I keep seeing her help people and give impressive advice. we should rename this website EssayMariaForum

Not only do the students stay healthy, but the students also increase achievement in their studies.--- this is good. This approach to writing a sentence is difficult for English Language Learners, and even when no language barrier is present I still don't like it. I wanted to suggest that people might have an easier time doing it this simple way:

Not only do the Students stay healthy, and in addition to that they also increase achievement in their studies.

Letters / recommendation letter for a job offer in the field of architecture [8]

This is excellent advice, here. I would also add that it is great if you tailor this to the organization/organizations to which you are applying by writing a paragraph about the kinds of roles you want to play and the skills you have that prepare you.

For example, if the company you want to work at particularly needs people who can XXXXXXXX, and if I was writing you a letter of rec., I would write..

Brighita asked me to write her a letter of recommendation for a position in at [name of company] that will require her to be able to XXXXXXX. I wanted to express my confidence in her preparedness to XXXXXXX, because I have seen her effectively XXXXXXXX during various projects I have supervised. For example...

The more you can tailor it to the particular organization, the better. That is the same in sale. If you want someone to say, "Yes! This is exactly what I need!" then you must show them that you meet their specific needs.

Undergraduate / Futuristic idea - Personal Statement [8]

I like the ending, and I like your way of thinking. You are correct to think this should be condensed and refined... find all the places where you can 'say it in fewer words.' It should be easy for you to find the unnecessary sentences, because you have a lot of them! I do too on first drafts, but then I go back and cut out all the sentences that do not carry the reader along.

Writing Feedback / Most beneficail discovery in the last 100 yrs; Transportation, Communication [20]

Linmark, this is great. I think you did a better job with this one than I did, for sure. You explained things in the way I could not, because you found the right words.

Scholarship / 'just like the injured dogs lying on the side of the street - Vires; Scholarship Essay(s) [4]

Nice!! Congratulations :-) You are welcome!

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

"Well, usually "usually" means usually...usually,"--- ha ha, nice!
I would do it this way:
"Well, usually usually means usually,"...


I agree. It is always best to put your theme in the context of what field you want to enter, as if you are so passionate about it that you cannot stop talking about it.

The others gave you plenty to think about, but you must know this is already very good.

I hope to use my experience with Speech and Debate experience and the resources available at UF to achieve even more by participating in organizations such as the Psychology Club and the Multicultural Psychology Association.-- I just made a subtle change. This essay does not need too much revision. Don't ruin a good thing!!

Undergraduate / "a career that challenges and sharpens my skill set" - The Ohio State University [4]

It's not banal, just inefficient. Something that honors one's mother or father will never be banal. However, I blieve that all that you say in this essay could be expressed on one paragraphs. Pack this essay full of meaning. Talk about your specific plans for the future, near and far.


--- It is nice that you show understanding for the reader. This is polite and thoughtful. yet, it is important to establish a main theme in the intro and then talk about it again in the conclusion paragraph. The most important thing is to tell them your plans, your well-defined plans.

Writing Feedback / Qualities of good co-workers - first of all, it is most important how they treat their work. [8]


I don't know what you mean by this...
It is indeed good to describe the person and what makes her or him a good co-worker.

Also, don't be sorry for mistakes!! Mistakes enable us to learn! :-)

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

Yep, great points Maria. The thing is, our minds make "associations" with everything, and that is how we learn. Associations are indeed prejudice, but it's our ability to think critically that really determines whether we are prejudiced in the common sense of the word. Some people cannot think clearly enough to notice when their minds make ridiculous, prejudicial associations.

Undergraduate / 'Aspirations Never Die' - Statement of Purpose for PhD in computer Networking [10]


I don't like this sentence as it is. I did not know how to explain the problem before. The thing is... aspirations often die. What you mean, I think, is that "Aspirations never die when they emerge from a true calling." ---- a true "call to service" gives rise to indestructible aspirations.

All my life my aspiration was to achieve excellence in every aspect of my life---- this needs revision, too. It is too general. If you have a real calling, it is not just dedication to success in all areas, but in a specific area. I often need to neglect some aspects of life to succeed in others.

It is redundant to say "during my studies I studied..."
During my undergraduate studies, I experienced courses that enabled me to explore on Computer Networks, Data Communications...

Now as I approach the crossroads of my learning I have absolutely no doubt in pursuing a career in the research arena. -- this is excellent, an excellent idea. I would do this, though:

As I approach the crossroads of my learning, I have absolutely no doubt about my decision to pursue a career in the research arena.

Nice job!! Have no fear, your essay is impressive!

Research Papers / Help with how to cut 600 words from my research paper [4]


Great question! If you wrote that many words, it must be about 15-18 pages, quite an accomplishment.

Yes, as Ershad says, its just necessary to improve efficiency. This is like refining anything... as you refine something, the quality increases as quantity decreases.

Find places where the ideas of 2 paragraphs can be expressed as one paragraph.

Also, remember not to hesitate to "kill your darlings," as Stephen King says. It is hard to cut out words you have written, but do it! Be ruthless!

Be on the lookout for sentences that can be cut and that, by being cut, leave the rest of the paragraph more powerful than is was when it was longer. Some sentences are redundant, just taking up space, and they can be cut for an improvement. The best paragraphs are concise.

Undergraduate / "Be a best friend, tell the truth..." - favorite quote [2]

Hi Lauren, I changed your thread title so that it would be unique and meaningful. Please use descriptive, meaningful titles for future essays.

If you quote that song, it is important to cite the artist and name of song. Mention who sings it!

As a teenager, I've had made my fair share of stupid decisions.

Use a comma for the compound sentence:
I have been at my job for 5 months now, and if there is one...

Andy, I was thinking that maybe she has other essays to submit as part of this application and that maybe some other important ideas can be expressed in those essays. In this one, she does an analysis of some lyrics within the framework of her own life, which is cool. I think it works pretty well. Yet, it would be cool to go deep into one part of the quote and really focus on it. Still, I think it has a lot of potential this way. Lauren, what is the MAIN idea of the whole essay? Maybe it is this part:

"Love like Crazy." This is my favorite part of the expression. -- but I added "part of" because this is supposed to be all about one quote.

I am one of the most passionate people you will ever meet. If I want something, I will do whatever it takes to work as hard as I can towards it. I will love anyone and anything that is important to me. I have so much care and compassion for other people sometimes I don't ...---- I cross this out because it is meaningless as a claim. You can "show" instead of telling. Rather than making a claim about generalities, give a discussion of what you want to contribute to the school and to society (As Andy mentioned). By discussing your intentions to contribute, you will PROVE something by telling about the actual ideas you have come up with. Talk is cheap, but ideas prove how thoughtful you are. Mention briefly that you feel driven to care for others and that this is why you chose the field of expertise you want to enter.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]

Trung, good point.

I don't know... I usually think of a good length for a paragraph as about 100 words, but how many characters is that... 200? 300?

People have different styles of writing, but for high school and college comp I think it is good to have each paragraph give one main idea. The intro and conclusion sort of give the same idea, and the middle paragraph in an essay like this one can give an idea that supports the main idea. So, I think this essay could have 3 brief paragraphs and be more complex, clearer. It doesn't have to prolong anything; it just needs to be divided into paragraphs so that topic sentences can express the main ideas that the reader is supposed to remember.

Undergraduate / Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1 [10]


Don't worry, just focus on finding those excellent words and phrases. I'll keep the threads cleaned up. Thanks for being so considerate, and welcome to EF.

There is something nice about having a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence:
The world is a blaze of color, and I consider myself lucky to have seen it.
again:
Nothing was entirely certain, and anything was possible.

Each place I lived, each person I met, were was so inexplicably unique: one, a girl who...
or
Each place I lived, the people I met were so inexplicably different: one, a girl who...

This is such an interesting thread!! These are some very inspired ideas. Remember to accept only the ideas that feel right to you, lest you edit all the life out of the essay. You write very well.

Undergraduate / "My mother has made an impact in your life" TAMU Admission Essay [4]

Despite the times when she made caused me distress, I have come to realize as a young adult that she only wants the best for me. With the help of her assertive guidance, intuition, and other diverse qualities, she has made a difference ...

I changed "assertive heart," because although that is an interesting expression it requires some explanation. (What is meant by an assertive heart?)

My mother is a burly strong, independent woman with ...---- Don't call any woman burly! Words of wisdom. They usually do not like it. :-)

She is like a soldier in her own battle against all who try and face her. --- excellent!!

Use a semi-colon:
She is like a fluffy cloud in the sky; even though she may be angry at times she is still a gentle mother.

This is an incomplete sentence:
A mother who wants nothing more than for her children to achieve high and succeed in happiness.

...student without the necessary audacity to speak as piercingly as most w ould.

... but if it wasn't for her irritating sturdiness to thrive, ----- what do you mean here? Sturdiness...

... really loved helping those in need.

With this goal on of staying animate, my ...

... not despite the fact that she can drive me crazy at times but because of it.---- cool sentence!
Nice ending, too...

Ershad makes some good points. When you write, do not let it get redundant. If you have already said something, let it stand on its own instead of repeating the point. Artfully cut out phrases that repeat the same point and keep the best ones. You have some really good sentences.

Book Reports / Thesis for Paradise Lost - original thesis needed [6]

I swear, this is the easiest way and the most effective way:
Write about any section... anything you can get inspired about. Write about the meaning of any section.

Then, write about another section. What is the relationship between the two? Let each of the two paragraphs you write have an example or quote. End each paragraph with a sentence about the meaning.

Do the same for another section of the story. When you have a few paragraphs, you'll see a theme start to emerge. When it does, go back and write the intro.

Know what I mean? Write a few paragraphs, before writing the intro with its thesis statement.

Graduate / I have always dreamed of having a job where I could care for and help others [11]

Thanks for that discussion of the roles played by those health professionals, Casey.

I think of that kind of profession within its historical context... like, in every culture, the healers have been multidisciplinary practitioners who did what they knew how to do and got the best results possible.

So, all practitioners would be considered healers with some being more advanced than others. So, when I hear about any medical profession, I just thing "physician."

In human society, a healer is a healer. And you'll gradually learn more modalities. Like, you might learn acupressure and trigger point work, for example,to compliment what you do. You might learn Ericksonian hypnosis. No matter what your day job is, you can be a part time freelance healer and try out various forms of therapy with various groups. It's good to get passionate about your own blend of therapeutic modalities.

Graduate / I want to become a Physician Assistant to provide excellent healthcare for my patients [5]


Well, I have heard of situations where one country does not accept another country's standards of certification so professionals have to go through their training again. I thought this might be that kind of situation, and I was just curious about it...

Anyway, this essay tells a great story.

Undergraduate / I am not exclusively Caucasian or Black ; My diverse lifestyle and culture [7]


Excellent stuff right here. I like all of your writing, but I almost think you should scrap paragraph 1 and let this be paragraph one. It gets right to the point in a beautiful way and lets the reader know what you are writing about.

Oh, I see how the number 2 pencil thing comes up at the end, so that is cool. Still, the intro is overblown a little. But anyway, this is super impressive.

Undergraduate / Brother, the most influential and important person -Texas Freshmen Admissions [2]

Okay, you need to have a separate paragraph after you do the introduction. Make this paragraph 2:
However, as I grew up my feelings of jealousy ...

But go back to the end of paragraph 1 and add a thesis sentence. If you have no thesis sentence you have to just have the reader follow you through the story, and that is a lot of work even if you.

Maybe you can start the last paragraph here:
Though my brother's life has been filled with setbacks, we are all...

However, the most important lesson I have learned from my brother is that in life nothing exactly works out how you thought it was going to work out, but if you have a positive attitude, work hard, have faith, and are kind many great things will happen in your life.---this is good right here, though a little cliche. If you can make it a little more specific, like, specific to his particular type of situation, that will make it more meaningful. Also, this is the statement that captures the meaning of the essay, so write a sentence about it as that thesis sentence at the end of paragraph one.

:-)

Writing Feedback / why people attend college and universities [3]

You write very well!! I like your straightforward style. Here is a sentence you can fix:
Students want to attend colleges and universities to become expert in their own fields, and that's the way they can find job easier.

also:
In my opinion the most important reason for attending college is that increasing knowledge in one's field of interest is enjoyable.----- if you add these words the sentence will make more sense and be clearer.

Undergraduate / "ketchup's popularity" - uc prompt-tell us about your community [5]

Mark and Stephen are wicked cool. Thanks, you guys. Welcome to essayforum.
This essay is terrific. I don't think I have ever called anything terrific ever in my whole life. I had to use my spellchecker to figure out how to type the word.

Anyway, you automatically win for coming up with such a great theme.This will impress everyone.

Writing Feedback / when and where would you like to go back in the past and why? [4]

This is what I would do:
That period was full of dreaming and dealing with goals of own life as well as dreams and envisioned goals -- my most important educational year.

I am impressed with your progress!

In conclusion, If if I could go back in to the past, I would choose to go back...

Undergraduate / Mathematics and technology: University of Illinois Essay (Academics/Goals) [6]

Use a colon here:
...a course that sparked my interest: Computer Science.

This is going to be great! You seem so smart and humble.
The process of making programs and then utilizing those same programs to solve complex problems amazed me. ---I like this sentence.

After excelling in the course during my sophomore year, I wanted to continue with the subject, so I decided to take AP Computer Science A the next year. I was easily able to easily grasp new concepts and come up with unique ways to solve problems by writing programs.

I can't wait to learn more about programming and explore the computer science field even further. --- this sentence is good in a way I cannot explain. It has naturalness.

Undergraduate / "The truly important things in life" - experiences that can define you as a person [4]

Yes, that quote is excellent...I think it should stay.

Undergraduate / Why I Want to Study Abroad in Argentina Essay [4]


When you end the first paragraph this way, I really like it! I want you to change the second paragraph so that it is all about creative writing and language, etc. ... Start that second paragraph with a sentence that continues this theme of celebrating language.

Research Papers / I need help With a Thesis Sentence On Same Sex Marriage [3]

Googling 'how to write a thesis statement' is a good idea, a good exercise for anyone.

You have to write a sentence that tells why same sex couples should be allowed to marry. What is your argument? You have to practice making a solid argument. That is what it's all about! So... what can you think of?

Writing Feedback / The Story of the Hour -would like someone to review it and tell me what they think [3]

only to find out that her husband was a live this news kills her the moment she sees him standing at her door.
This part needs to be fixed. I think you can probably find a way to write it better.

Seeing her husband walk through the door was more of a kill joy than anything.

Also, I think this needs to have a stronger beginning. Add another sentence to that intro paragraph. :-)

Undergraduate / Essay: Randy Pausch, Someone Important to You [7]


I love it! The beginning is great...
But Nevertheless, he challenged me.

Ha ha this is pretty cool. Thanks for contributing to EF,
Even though there are probably even more inspirational speakers in this world than aspiring celebrities, he had an unique effect on me. --- this sentence does not work. I see that you write very well and can fix it... but sometimes we need to have the tough sentences pointed out to us. What are you really trying to say here. Fix this part. Infuse the essay with that meaning.