Undergraduate / Our volleyball team - Short Answer on Common App [2]

I think this is a good response to the short answer prompt. It is difficult to make an impact with so few words, but I think you've done well.

Undergraduate / Penn Admissions Essay - having a hard time finishing .. [2]

Good afternoon.

I suggest focusing a bit on why you would fit into this school so well. You can talk about your interests and the kind of person you are, and why this campus will be a good fit. As far as a conclusion, remember that it should reiterate the main points of your essay and tie up the points discussed neatly, giving your audience a sense of closure and satisfaction.

In regards to mechanics, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Also, make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / How will college ed. help you achieve personal+professional goals? [Purdue] [8]

You're very welcome.

Sure. "House Captain," "Annual Day, Sports Day," Computer Engineering."

It's really up to you whether or not you think the additional paragraph is relevant enough to warrant its inclusion. I think the newest draft of the first section is sufficient, but the second section would be an appropriate addition. If you are very close to your word count with the original section only, I would not include the second piece. I think the content is a good response to the prompt; it answers sufficiently and is a thorough description. I think it will hold the board's attention with no problem.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Drawing Guinness - 150 words or less work experience (common app) [6]

Good evening.

It's really up to the admissions board. Some times they won't even consider something that exceeds their requirements, others will allow some leeway. Do you know anyone else that is also making or has made this particular application? If so, they would be the ones to ask.

I like your latest revision; it is concise yet flows well. Remove the comma after "lobby" and I think it's great!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / MPH program - GRADUATE APPLICATION ESSAY [4]

Good evening.

I suggest you start with an outline. List everything that you really want to discuss in your essay, and then go through each one, supporting it with a fact, story, or other interesting detail. Focus more on your ambitions since you don't really have a strong, established background in the field. What do you plan to do with the degree once you have it? Why is this your passion? What is the inspiration or motivation behind your choice?

Good luck getting started!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I owe everything to my family - it has greatly influenced who I am today. UCF essay [2]

Good evening.

So from a young age I always would strive to get good grades and to be a good ...
Not to say that I don'tAvoid contractions in formal academic writing. work well by myself, but ...
My mother was diagnosed with Rheumatoid ArthritisAs this is neither a proper noun nor the first word of a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. around the time I was in 4thfourth grade.

... she has some days when she can't move her wrists or even stand...
My FatherCapitalization works very hard to support us (...) we usually only make ends meet , leaving her most of the ...
We help around the house by doing laundry, cleaning, and cooking.
If it weren't for them I would have nothing.

How specifically has this situation influenced who you are? You tell an inspiring story, but I think more details would definitely help it along.

Undergraduate / Drawing Guinness - 150 words or less work experience (common app) [6]

Good evening.

OK, let's see:

"As a bartender, drawing Guinness from a tap requires a certain finesse and patience. A pint glass designed specifically for this task is held at a 45-degree angle, allowing few bubbles to form. After being filled three-quarters of the way, the beer is then given time to settle, allowing a perfect creamy head to form at the top of the glass. Once it settles, the glass is then filled the rest of the way and served to another satisfied customer. The same precision and care devoted to this technique is much like the attentiveness seen in the hospitality industry. While staying at the Sheraton Boston Hotel, I noticed this same application in every tiny detail, from the fresh orchids in the main lobby, to the smiling, helpful front desk agents and bellhops. (Removed) This dedication to detail plays a key role in creating an amicable atmosphere for guests as well as providing service in a timely fashion."

Try that.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Two children / Orlando Knight - Two UCF essays [2]

Good evening.

You've got two good pieces here, so I'm going to give you some suggestions to help you get started. Both pieces are made up of numerous short sentences, resulting in a choppy flow that is difficult for your readers to find a comfortable rhythm in. In the end it is very distracting for your audience. Try combining or condensing some of these sentences. For example, in the first piece: "My family is a very important part of my life. They have greatly influence me. Without their discipline and encouragement I would not be the person I am today." Try: "My family is a very important part of my life. They have greatly influenced me, and without their discipline and encouragement I would not be the person I am today."

Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. They are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use. For example, in the second essay, instead of writing "that's" write out the entire phrase: "that is."

Go back through your essays and look at them both carefully for other instances such as these. A stronger essay and a better writer will both result.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / How will college ed. help you achieve personal+professional goals? [Purdue] [8]

You're welcome.

Mechanically, a few things. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use. Make sure that you are not capitalizing words that are neither proper nouns nor the first words of sentences. When you enclose a statement in quotes such as you have done here, use double quotation marks instead of single ones and make sure the punctuation is kept inside the quotes.

In regards to content, as long as the second paragraph pertains to your academics in regards to your personal goals (which it does) it is fine to shift gears towards the end and use this piece. When you write your conclusion though, make sure you write it inclusive of both parts.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / I want to write a perfect essay about myself to go to USA [4]

Good evening.

I agree with Rajiv's comments. The purpose of an autobiographical essay is to tell a story, a piece of you, if you will, about your life. Think about something extraordinary (by your standards, not anyone else's) that has happened to you, and write about it. It could be something you saw, something that you were a participant in, something that made you stop and think, something that influenced your life and changed the way you will think about something forever.

Whatever the subject is, the important thing is that it is your story about you, and that you are in the middle of it. You might not think that you've had any outstanding things happen to you in your life, but I'll bet you that someone else will!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My Exchange Year--elaborate on one of your activities [2]

I like the conclusion of this piece, but I'm not sure the beginning and middle match it. For instance, what is the pyramid you refer to? Why was the year not as fun as you anticipated? This last one probably requires more explication than you have word count for, but I'm trying to use it to make a point :)

Perhaps sticking to the "American virtue" in your opening would help streamline this piece.

I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / holding my flute tightly - Common App: elaborate your activity [4]

The problem with having such a small word count is that you really can't take time to warm your audience up to the event you want to talk about; you kind of have to just tell them. You spend a lot of time explaining this event, but not a lot of time explaining the activity, which is what the prompt was. It is more that you are talking about this one specific time you played, rather than the enjoyment and satisfaction you get about playing in general. I also liked your conclusion, but wonder about the effectiveness of the beginning.

Essays / choose a medieval villager - Historical essay [2]

Good evening.

Well, as to the first, you should probably write a narrative essay. This is an essay that tells a story about an event, occurrence, or situation from a participant's point of view. You should choose an event (or create one) and place yourself in the middle of it. Your conclusion would be the the end of the event and how it "turned out."

The point of narration, because this assignment specifies it, should be first person. That doesn't mean it has to be in present tense, just first person. A narrative essay should be written in first person.

Your instructor is requiring you to write a piece of historical fiction. Authors such as Sir Walter Scott have done wonderful things with this genre, and could probably provide you with some great examples of "historical imagination." Making up fictitious situations, characters, and events that take place during historically accurate backdrops.

I hope this helps you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Learning from failure - CommonApp essay [7]

Good evening.

This is an exceptional essay. You describe the event in great detail, and also discuss its impact on you with a great deal of inner-reflection and evaluation. Mechanically and grammatically it is clean, and I think overall it is a very strong piece. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "What values are reflected in my life" -FSU Essay [5]

Good evening.

This is an incredible improvement. Much more organized, mechanically clean, with exceptional examples of each philosophy. The only mechanical suggestion I can make for this version is that when using numbers ten and under it is correct to write them out; for numbers 11 and over it is acceptable to use the numerals. Therefore, the "2" in the second paragraph should be "two."

Very nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Ramapo Essay - React to a crisis or critical moment in your life... [5]

You're very welcome. I don't think writing a new piece is necessary, just add a little bit more to this one.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Parkour, Short Answer- 150 Words> [13]

I didn't say "contradictions," I said "contractions." These are words such as "can't," "won't," and "shouldn't." These words should be written in their full forms; "cannot," "would/will not," "should not."

In regards to redundancy, I like the word choice substitutions better as they do make the piece more interesting. The new piece is much cleaner, organized, and streamlined.

Undergraduate / I hated writing with a passion - UF Admissions Essay [4]

Great job here. You describe your event in a good amount of detail, and then discuss what you want to work on and how you want to use those skills on campus. Nice work.

Writing Feedback / The theme of the contest is WOW - my short story [2]

Good afternoon.

Since you didn't really provide specifics about the prompt (I don't know what "WOW" is), I will just give you some basic mechanical and grammar suggestions to help you get started.

First, make sure your spacing is correct. For instance, at the beginning of your essay there is a space between E and the comma. There should be no gap here.

Second, try not to start your sentences with conjunctions such as "and," "so," and "but." It is considered bad writing as well as bad grammar.

Third, make sure that you show possession by using an apostrophe and an "s". For instance, "little cousin hand" should be "little cousin's hand" because his cousin possesses the hand.

When using numbers in writing, the general rule is that if the number is ten or under, spell it out; if it is 11 or above, it is acceptable to use the numerals. Your use of "3" at the beginning of this piece should be written out in words.

Make sure you are always including ending punctuation when writing dialogue. For instance, "...scholarship to Duke man" Ron says" should have a comma at the conclusion of the dialogue. "...scholarship to Duke man," Ron says."

Make sure all of your sentences, including dialogue, begin with capital letters. For instance in the dialogue near the end "...says, "yeah and..." "yeah" should be capitalized because it is the first word in the new sentence of dialogue.

Now that you have an idea as to what to look for, go back through your piece carefully and make the rest of your corrections. You've got an interesting piece here, and once it is cleaned up, will be greatly improved.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / how my writing has changed - my self-evaluation essay [2]

You have a good self-evaluation here. You examine your strengths and weaknesses, and are very honest about both. You have a good plan for the future and show determination. Very nice work.

Undergraduate / "I love to deal with numbers" ..Another GTown essay.. [4]

Good afternoon.

Much more organized. I have a few corrections in the last paragraph though:

"The third factor that has greatly influenced my decision is the 2008 economic crisis. After the skyrocketing price of oil and almost every daily product in our life, I keep wondering how long will the economic crisis that happened in America affect the whole world. The huge scale of this crisis has stirred my interests in economics and business. The power of the economic crisis can drive Iceland, the whole country, into the state of bankruptcy. I have to admit that the global economy does have the power to change the whole world. I am very interested in understanding the business principles and theories."

Much improved.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My beloved island of Puerto Rico - UF Admission Essay [4]

Good afternoon.

I like the first essay better. It addresses the prompt more directly, and answers all of its questions. The second piece seems a bit too "saccharine sweet" in that it seems to have a lot of extra, unnecessary details. You explain more easily in the first piece how you will effect your future campus in the first piece, and it flows a bit easier than the second. In regards to mechanics, in the first piece, make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences; if the word doesn't fall into either of those categories, it shouldn't be capitalized.

I hope this helps you decide.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I love music and sports; A High-Tech Forte - U of I essay [9]

Again, with some fine tuning in regards to the specifics of this prompt, this piece would be a good foundation.

Essays / King Lear "Violation of trust" [2]

Good afternoon.

How about the deceit of injustice that permeates the entire work? Or, the deceit in the hierarchy of English rule?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "more valuable than winning a contest" - a significant experience, its impact on you [7]

Well, go through it carefully and look for things such as "can't" and "won't." If you see any of them, make sure that you write out their full versions.

Undergraduate / I love music and sports; A High-Tech Forte - U of I essay [9]

I think it would be a good start. You might want to go into why the experiences you will receive while in college will further your goals a little more in-depth, but I think it will work just fine.

Faq, Help / My essay needs editing - do you provide such help for this work too? [21]

Good evening :)

You can post it under "Essay Writing Feedback" and I will get to it and respond to it as soon as I can. Usually I can answer you (unless there are extenuating circumstances) within 24 hours.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Ramapo Essay - React to a crisis or critical moment in your life... [5]

Good evening.

Let's see what we've got here:

"I didn'tAvoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate and many instructors will count down for them. really know how to think because we did everything together."

I too agree that it's not too personal, and that more in depth analysis is necessary for this to be an effective piece. You've told us that she was very important to you, but why do you think you were so dependent on her? How did you create your independence from her when she left? What can you still work on in this area?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity My UF admissions essay [5]

You're very welcome. An admissions board is looking for a bit more than an one-liner as to how this will effect you during your time at their institution; usually the more inner-reflection and evaluation you can show on these matters the better.

Undergraduate / 'How much does the Smokey Jack's Burger cost me?' Dissect my essay... ED to UPenn [4]

Good evening.

Let's see here. First, a couple of mechanical comments. Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, Mozzarella and Economics should not be capitalized as they fall into neither category. Second, avoid contractions in formal academic writing. They are inappropriate, and many instructors will count off for their use.

As to content, I really enjoyed your introduction; it is definitely an attention-getter. I too found myself losing focus in the middle, as there seems to be an overload of financial discourse too far out of mainstream to keep a large majority of potential audience members rapt. A little of this is fine in an essay such as this, but be careful not to overdo it. I think you could condense a lot of this in the middle, still keep your point, and still keep your audience's attention. I really like the conclusion, as it ties to the introduction very well. Given a little clean up, I think this will be a great essay. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UF Admissions Essay - Overcoming Rejection [2]

I am concerned that the second half of the prompt is not addressed in your essay. You've done a good job describing the important event, but have not acknowledged how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. I think once you work on that aspect of your essay it will be a much stronger submission than it is currently.

Undergraduate / Parkour, Short Answer- 150 Words> [13]

I think it will be find to use the normal discourse for this area; showing your knowledge about any subject is always a good thing when dealing with an admissions board. If the member has a question, he/she will know who to ask!

As for the piece:

"Parkour is a physical discipline inspired by human movement, focusing on fast, efficient forward motion over, under, and around obstacles in one's environment. I first got into the sport in 9th grade, and started training routinely the next year. At the time, ParkourAs this is neither a proper noun nor the first word of a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. was not a well known sport in Brookline; however, I made the effort to encourage my friends to train with me.

Undergraduate / Track and field; my job; playing hockey - Common APP Question [5]

Good evening.

I think that the second situation would be the most appropriate. You can briefly discuss your interactions with others different from yourself, a very valuable asset when you get to a college campus with a melting-pot-student-body. I also think it would best display your abilities to handle unfamiliar situations, another real life skill you can use on campus.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Mock Trial - 250+ common app essay any revisions would be a great help [2]

Good afternoon :)

This is a good subject for this type of essay. Mechanically, make sure you are not capitalizing words that are not proper nouns nor the first words of sentences. For instance, "Mock Trial" should not be capitalized, as it is neither. Other than that, it looks very clean. In regards to content, I like how you discuss team success and personal success very closely, both in regards to evaluation and physical space. It works well here. I suggest expanding a little more near the end as to how you will transfer these abilities into other parts of your life. That will show a deeper evaluation of the experience and show you can reflect successfully on yourself and your work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Drawing Guinness - 150 words or less work experience (common app) [6]

Good evening :)

Yes, it is difficult to sum up something you are passionate about in so few words, isn't it?

It seems a bit disorganized right now. I like your intro and the short explanation, but I wonder what it has to do with the last two sentences of the piece; they seem to be completely disassociated from each other. I would stick with the beginning because it is a very attention-grabbing section, and change the last two lines. Perhaps you could draw some comparison between the precision of this technique and that of the hospitality industry, or something else. I think creating some kind of analogy or parallel here would be very effective, because this is a very unique piece you have here. Great work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Marlboro First Aid Squad/ Real parental Support/ Goal; RUTGERS U- 3Essays [2]

Good afternoon.

In regards to the first essay, it seems that your point is that one must allow himself/herself to learn from others before he/she is equipped to lead. As to whether or not this essay answer the prompt, I'm not sure it does entirely. For instance, the question about how you would from and contribute to such an environment seems to be unaddressed in this response.

In regards to the second essay, again it seems your response doesn't acknowledge the prompt entirely. For instance, they ask about academic strengths (and I am POSITIVE you have some-have you become organized in regards to your studies? Do you manage your time well when it comes to balancing homework and social events? Think outside of the regular "academic" box here) yet you discuss a negative event and the negative qualities about it. An academic board member might look at this and wonder why they should let you into the school if this is the best you can think of when prompted for your strengths. Was the impact the lack of real support from your parents? It seems as though that is the focal point of this piece, but it is difficult to tell.

As to the third essay, what was it exactly about the experience with your grandfather that motivated you to make this change in your life? You have a lot of detail in this piece, but it seems to lack some precision. It is clear that motivation is an important theme in this piece, but to what end? A little more structure in this piece would greatly improve it.

I hope this helps you. Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity My UF admissions essay [5]

"Winston Churchill once said, "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

"In my 17 years, life has dealt me some bad cards, but for every bad experience I decided to view it in a positive light . If I sought out the bad in every thing, then I would never know what it feels like to discover the good."

"However, even as a LPN, it was not easy raising a child, especially without any outside assistance."

This is a great response, but I am not sure you have adequately answered all of the parts of their prompt. You've done a great job explaining this meaningful experience, but so far the "how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community" area remains unaddressed. If you add more in, either in a new paragraph or worked in throughout the existing sections, it will result in a more appropriate response which acknowledges every aspect of their question.

I hope this helps.

Essays / Common app personal essay: selecting a topic for significant experience [8]

You're very welcome.

Yes, if you post it here I will be very glad to look it over for you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I love to deal with numbers" ..Another GTown essay.. [4]

Good morning.

"For me, the most important reason why I want to study business is that I love to deal with numbers, to face changes, to overcome challenges and to predict the unpredictable things. Studying business provides me chances to keep up with the changing world."

You begin this statement by writing that you have one favorite reason (singular) for studying business, but then you list a series of reasons (plural) as your explanation. This is confusing; if you are going to write about a singular reason, state it and move on. If not, let your audience know that you are going to discuss multiple items, and then move on to them.

Undergraduate / 'being dismissed from class' - Emory University Supplement [2]

Good morning.

A couple of suggestions:

"One needs to imagine oneself at the..." Since you stayed with the pronoun "one" you should continue it consistently throughout the sentence.

"...an Advanced Corporate Finance class..." As these are neither proper nouns nor the first words of sentences, it should not be capitalized.

"And finally, I see myself..." It's never a good idea to start your sentences with "and." Try reworking this and see what you can come up with.

I'm not really sure if this completely answers the prompt. Why is this institution such a great match for you? You discuss the parts you are excited about, but never really delve into why it's a perfect fit. Try evaluating what it is exactly about this institution that makes you sure it's the one for you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com