Letters / Need Advices for Appeal Letter (NUS Science) [2]

Keep the verb tense consistent:
It was so disappointing to me that I could not ...

...to fulfill my mission. ---Oh, I like this part. This is a GREAT approach.

If I can be admitted to read statistics under the guidance of the knowledgeable professors in NUS, I will study hard so that I can graduate with a first class honour with a secondary major in Finance. After graduation, I will be equipped with necessary skills to enter the top universities in the U.S. or Europe to pursue a master degree and doctoral degree as well as the CFA designation. I plan to start my career in the financial field after graduation and teach undergraduates in university. This is not a mission! I want you to write about a specific goal you have. What is the real goal of the mission? What is the big splash you will make in this world? You have to read a few recent articles about your special interests in the field, and mention a current issue ... and your idea for helping to solve a real problem.

:-)

Writing Feedback / About MY, Rahul, brother from PUNE [3]

He was a naughty boy , I came to know from my grandpa as he was sharing our childhood milestone. ----This part does not really make sense!

Great ideas, Isai!

His purpose was to to crack the UPSC exam side by side.

He also completed his apprenticeship at an ammunition factory.

And before a year he joined the factory. Now he is perusing an MBA in MARKETING MANAGEMENT. Marketing Management.
Do not use all capital letters.

:-) You still have a lot of work to do! Keep practicing!

Writing Feedback / The reasons for learning languages of 1000 native and non-native speakers [3]

I have a suggestion for making the beginning clearer:
The bar chart presents results of a questionnaire distributed to 1,000 native and nonnative speakers of English studying at a university in Australia. The purpose of the questionnaire was to find their reasons for learning languages.

If you want to write clearly, it is best to avoid long sentences.

Do not say just only. Say one of those words or the other but not both:
In contrast, just only 25% of native speakers and 65% of non-native speakers consider learning languages is important for studying.
:-)

Writing Feedback / SAT - Are people more productive and successful if they ignore opinions of others? [2]

Welcome, Geetanjali! Hey, Mirela, you are doing a lot of great work lately! Thanks, I hope you don't steal my moderator job! ;-)

Use an apostrophe:
don't

Hey, Geetanjali, why do you put a space before the period? Only put a space after the period.

weather = rain and snow
whether = whether or not...
In this case, you need whether.

Another idea:
...important to act according to what we feel...

:-)

Graduate / "the oil industry" - SOP for graduate studies in Petroleum Engineering [6]

... year of college when I assisted with...

Getting admission into the MS in Petroleum Engineering program at XXXXX means to me that I might get the chance to work with and learn from renowned professors such as XXXXX and XXXXX whose research in Reservoir Engineering and Enhanced Oil Recovery is recognized throughout the industry. ---Excellent! But be more specific. Do not refer generally to his work; refer to something unique about it that you can only know if you have read what he has written.

I am highly motivated and ready to take on the MS in Petroleum Engineering at your institution and I will do this in a participative and committed way.--I believe you! This is a hell of an essay, very impressive.

I also strongly believe that my international experience in the field will be a good ingredient to the class mix.--Again, be more specific. Sharpen that spearhead.

You also need a razor sharp sentence at the end of that first paragraph. Tack a great sentence onto the end of that paragraph. Let it be a sentence with a truly interesting concept that the reader will associate with you. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - School Graduate with negative attitudes - Cause and Solution [3]

Yes, that verb tense needs to change...

has become
or
is becoming

Either is okay...

A common expression is like this:
in terms of... ---- Use the s

:-)

Your English is great!!!

Writing Feedback / IELT writing: what is your view of success? [2]

I like these suggestions from Celu!!

Here is another suggestion:
Occurrence of these variations can be attributed to different backgrounds and cultures.-----Speak this sentence aloud, and see if it sounds better.


I agree!!

Okay Paul, write the essay again and use the suggestions from celu. See if you have any questions about it.

After you repost it with corrections, we'll see if you still have errors.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Naval Service Interest" - must i elaborate more? [2]

every day ---- 2 separate words unless you are using it as an adjective.

How do you know it is the ultimate goal, and how do you know euphoria is what makes something significant?

I think I might know what you mean, but it needs to be expressed better...


You should not write a sentence this way, because it reflects a desire for loyalty and dedication independent of a cause... do you know what I mean? You need a cause that comes before loyalty, etc. Well, it seems that way...

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'money can't buy happiness' - Is it more important to do work that pays well [6]

...also a feeling that money can't compensate.---I think compensate is not the right word here...

While we enjoy our work, we become more willing to accept exciting challenges, and overcoming-----I added a comma...

those challenges can lead to self- satisfaction and self-fulfillment of one's character. What does this mean??

If, however, we only do work solely for our paid pay, then...

I like the ending!!

:-)

Essays / How to start an essay on learning styles? [7]

Start with Gardner's multiple intelligences... Google it! Also... kinesthetic, visual, and auditory...

Undergraduate / Art Institute - Game Art & Design Degree - Admissions Essay [2]


This sentence is not okay... of course being part of it will shape how it develops...


This does not mean anything...

You should express some kind of vision or ideal...

:-)

Grammar, Usage / "intended [only] for the use?" - Legal disclaimer grammar [4]

The top one is better, but both are okay....
This communication, along with any documents, files, or attachments, is intended only for the use of the addressee and may contain ...
:-)

(I added a comma...)

Research Papers / (dreaming as a charted topic? - introduction and conclusion for oral report [3]

In this introduction, you did not make a distinct point. Give your message. you have to say something very specific if you want to make your paper meaningful.

Does that help you?

Instead of just saying they have a role in coping with stress, say something even more specific.

:-)

Graduate / SOP for Clinical (Biomed) Engineering Masters [4]

That first sentence is confusing and long... also... you don't read an incident. Tighten up that grammar.

Let's say, "I was..."
I was familiar with this type of human error from my study of human factors, but what struck me most was that, unlike most situations where there would be a simple resolution, errors made in the clinical environment often resulted in fatal outcomes. ----I made a small change to give ie "number agreement."

During the course of my work at the XXX, I had the pleasure of working with engineers and researchers of diverse backgrounds. It was from my discussions with many of them, and especially with past and present students of the clinical engineering program, that shaped my decision to apply for clinical engineering. Amongst the many engaging projects I had the opportunity to be involved with while at the XXX, working with a masters student on her clinical thesis stands out as one of my most challenging assignments. The thesis project was a---------This part is a good idea, a solid example, but can you express it in fewer words? Try to express your ideas in fewer words, like Yoda.

That's how Yoda talks. He uses few words. :-)

This is an impressive essay! I think you'll do well...

Writing Feedback / Barcelona (where would you like to travel and why) [4]


I think the best thing to do is write "especially" instead.

Student Talk / O level English result - what are the criteria? [11]

Hello, Hafsa! One of my favorite people! What the heck are you talking about? You should be able to find that info via a Google search.

:-) What is O level?

Graduate / "Computer Network Security specialization in MS" -- SOP for MS in CS [4]

Hey friend, I might be confused, but... there seems to be something wrong with the introduction.
Comp sci is certainly "real.' It is in demand, and in fact even the market-minded people have to acknowledge the importance of it.

. They tell me that my future depends on...

weather = rain and snow
whether = whether or not

Thinking out solutions to problems in terms of algorithms has helped me better my logical reasoning skills and...-You don't have to tell the reader this. The reader knows it requires reasoning and logic. I think you should focus every paragraph on ONE BIG MESSAGE that the reader will take away from reading the essay.

Use a spell checker to avoid typos: in the filed of comptuer science

My four years at the university have been enriching experience. Sentences like this are not helpful. You have to think about the mind of the reader. What will make the reader feel surprised, inspired, interested?

Internship at Megasoft was my first peek into the corporate world where various fields of computer science are put to use in implementation of the large scale projects.---Can you be more specific?

I was briefed about various projects and the methodologies that the projects use which ranged from traditional waterfall model to the latest agile software development methodologies. One of the projects the firm was undertaking at that juncture , a Cell Phone Theft control system which is based on IMEI numbers embedded in the mobile phone. ---I love this paragraph. This is the real stuff. This really tells the reader something.

Undergraduate education has helped me equip myself with the basics of computer science and helped me become a better person. Do not bore the reader! Stick to your theme. :-)

You need ONE BIG MESSAGE, one big theme. Plant a single concept deep in the reader's mind, and let it be the concept that represents your aspiration, your vision of the future. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS (CHILDREN AND TV vs. SPENDING TIME OUTDOORS) [3]

Children today are said to be affected by this...
Or just keep it simple:
Children today are affected by this phenomenal achievement according to research which suggests that they spend more time watching television than playing outdoors.

This essay will look into the reasons to the change of trend and ...

...in terms of...
The improvement in terms of quality of life

Use television instead of tv: As a result, children tend to watch television, which is more appealing to them than playing outdoors.

To sum up, the habit of children to watch TV at home is inevitable as the medium of entertainment will be continuously growing. ---great sentence!

Use ing in both verbs:
Nevertheless, parents are still able to control their children by capping the usage of tv and encouraging...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: "quick decisions are unsafe decisions" [15]


Brilliant!! I think you explained this well.
Take off the words at the end, though: ...are not always wrong. and very in need. Keep it simple! Keep the sentences simple and clear.

You should make quick decision in cases where you...

However, just by a glance in 2 seconds, other experts can discover that is a fake statue when they have chance to enter the museum.---great example!! You are smart.

Hey, it is probably a boy that fell in the river and not a girl. Girls are usually smart enough to avoid that sort of thing. :-)

Essays / "a social worker at a public school working with a family" - ETHICAL DILEMMA [3]


Children should not be capitalized here.

Moya, are you having trouble understanding the text? If you are an English language learner, it can be so difficult! Tell us if you find a sentence that is hard to understand.

I don't know how the rules work for school social workers, but I suspect that the purpose of this question is to teach you to be objective and nonjudgmental. Does that give you a hint about how to answer the question?

Even though you might want to judge someone, you have to be professional, objective, and open-minded. That is what is so hard about being a social worker!

Undergraduate / (being an Advertising Art Director) Art Institute Graphic Design Application Essay [4]


In an essay like that, it might be good to have a conclusion SENTENCE, not a conclusion paragraph. You could even make that sentence more poignant by separating itself from the rest of the essay. So, I guess in that sense it would be a sentence and also a paragraph. :-)


I think you should kill the whole sentence. The reader does not need you to tell her you expect the program to empower your career. That's obvious! Never state the obvious... or you will bore the reader. Surprise the reader!

:-)

Undergraduate / "Youth Contact + Roommate Buddy + Good place" - Stanford 3 short essays [11]

Keep that verb tense consistent for a nice style:
I'd always valued my personal space, and this girl had...

taken an annoying liking to me, sticking to me like some barnacle. I was disappointed because I knew this program meant the end of whatever space I had worked to put between us. --Clever!! You write well!

This girl was closed -minded, not very fluent in English, and socially awkward. --It might not be good to suggest that her language made you prejudiced against her.

and let's make a small change here:
I sat through her twenty minute speech, trying to cut it down to the eight minute limit while constantly sneezing from allergies.---Oh,it was you that was sneezing? Okay, all I did wat remove a comma.

You have great detail and energy in your writing...

Prompt 3: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

One year ago, I saw those palm trees. I was astounded by the never-ending driveway of towering trees, with their luscious leaves fanning out in every different direction. (Add a sentence that establishes the palm tree representing some theme for this little mini essay.)

To create her work, an artist must become an independent thinker though a wide range of experiences and knowledge.---Nice! A little vague, but nice.

their high school graduating classes, but also grow into a well-rounded adult...born in California, and it is time to return, to find a home among the palm trees, sun, and Frederick Law Olmsted's inspiring campus.---All this is a little vague. I want the reader to see taht you are hell bent on achieving a particular goal. :-) Give the reader a concept to remember.

Graduate / 'questions from medical science' - SOP for admission to masters in Public health [2]


No need for a comma here.

Hey, please go help a few other essayists. You write so well; they could use your help!


This quote is interesting, but it is part of the MESSAGE OF YOUR ESSAY?

What is that distinct message you want to leave with the reader?


This is very impersonal. Maybe you should add some emotional appeal. Cancer is an emotional subject.
Your writing shows great intelligence, but it is lacking some special theme


Let's not say "said course." It is trying to hard to write in a fancy way. Just simply and powerfully express your vision of the future. Open up and be honest. :-)

Writing Feedback / lot of people migrate to mega cities,reasons and the way to prevent the trend. [10]

It's both! You get to choose your style. If there was a rule for everything in writing, it wouldn't be art. But you know that, I think!

however, for a nice style it is good to use "number agreement." Like this:
A government should protect the interests of citizens.
Governments should protect the interests of citizens.

Writing Feedback / Myself as a teacher: "Never loose your strength and confidence." [3]

Always capitalize the word "I" when you write it to mean "me."

I have done...

loose = the knot is loose.
lose = "Be careful so that you do not lose your money.
Do you understand what I mean?

When you write this article about yourself, you should have ONE BIG MESSAGE you want the reader to remember. The reader cannot remember a lot of ideas at once. What is the idea you want the reader to have about you?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ships Ahoy -- floundering marriages [25]


Ha! I think I know what you mean. Strunk and White say, "Do not affect a breezy manner."

Writing Feedback / It is More Important to Work at a Job that You Enjoy than it's to Earn a Lot of Money [4]

Hey, I don't think there is anything to worry about. I read the essay, and the mistakes are very small ones. If you write this well when you take the test, I think you will surely get a great score.

:-)

Anyway, if you are ready to spend some time to improve, you should type every sentence the way Susan showed you. Speak each sentence aloud after you type it. Learn that English grammar!!!

Research Papers / Can you avoid the sale? - Contract Law question (lawn mower) [2]

What does it say in your text book? Isn't this a case example from a text book? You are able to find the answer, because you can look at the chapter. What text are you using in this class?

Maybe you will find someone who knows the answer... but you should still search that text!

Writing Feedback / "The Crusifix of Pope John Paul the II" - Describe an insignificant object [8]


Nope, that is only Descartes' idea, ha ha.
Hey, I'll tell you a secret. Because of a strange browser glitch and sharing a computer for a minute, I was the one who wrote that, and it appeared as Susan's post. Weird!

Anyway, it's like that other common expression. "You are what you eat." Ha ha... I say, "You are what you see." Or... "You are what you think about."

Maybe that is what Descartes meant, :-) ...

Writing Feedback / lot of people migrate to mega cities,reasons and the way to prevent the trend. [10]

Hi Peter, thanks for the great help you have been giving people. The word government is just like any other word. Use singular when you are talking about one government.

The government of the United States is arguing about the "debt ceiling."
The governments of the developed nations of the world are trying to achieve long-lasting peace.

Does that answer the question you asked? :-)

Essays / CBEST Written Exam Help - where to start? [8]

Well, you need good structure. It is easier than you think. Just write one excellent sentence to make your point.

After you write a sentence that sums up the argument you are making, give another sentence to explain it a little. Then, give an example. Use as many sentences as necessary to explain the message of that first sentence.

Each paragraph might have 100 words in about 4 or 5 sentences.
One paragraph = One idea.

That makes it easy!! A 5 paragraph essay has about 500 words, and it has one main idea. It also has 3 sub ideas to support the main idea.

Google this: PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

That is the secret key to strong writing. :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Do you agree or disagree with the statement that a zoo has no useful purpose. [4]

Some people may believe that a zoo is futile in the era of globalization, which people can develop their knowledge fast and easily.
I see what you mean here, but you said it in a strange way. Do this:
Some people may believe that a zoo is a futile way of educating people in the era of globalization, when people can develop their knowledge fast and easily.

Here is another idea:
It also helps to prevent certain species of animals from becoming extinct.

Keep the VERB TENSE the same in each sentence:
That also make money flow, and the flow of money improves the local economy.

I firmly believe that the zoo is so useful for the earth. I think you can give a sentence at the end that is a little better. I don't think earth is the best word.

Anyway, this is great, and I see a lot of awesome work from Peter! :-)

Letters / Letter to University about my A level exams [5]

Ha ha, okay, sorry for the confusion. You certainly have earned a place on that contributors page, for whatever it is worth. I'll look into it again!

Undergraduate / "the neurology department in the local hospital" - common app paragraph [4]


I agree that you don't need that first sentence. However, I also want to point out that if you do use it you should correct it like this:

Going up to the neurology department in the local hospital and checking on every patient on the floor compose of comprises my Sundays. ----The word is comprise.

You can also say: "My Sundays are composed of trips to the neurology department."

See that difference?

This paragraph IS good enough, because I see how it reflects your good heart and good intentions. YOU are good enough. However, I don't know if the readers will always appreciate how good this idea is. I think you should READ A RECENT JOURNAL ARTICLE that is related to your interests, and mention how you would like to get involved with specific aspects of the field. Show that you are already reading and trying to understand the most modern medical advancements. That will impress readers the most. :-)

Writing Feedback / Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program [4]

I think you should type the essay again, and use amrosca's suggestions. That is the only way to improve. It takes some time, though.

In order to write well, one of the most important things to remember is to capitalize the first word of every sentence.

Let's also use "whether to"...
The topic of whether to add financial education as...

Capitalize the first word:
providing Providing other courses is much more...

Also, practice using the APOSTROPHE. This is an apostrophe '

... rational and has better effects on children's lives.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Judging an individual instantaneously" - Significant experiences/accomplishments [7]

Well, random stuff is the most fun. As for schools, I am a grad, not a teacher. Rhode Island College, Worcester State, and a few others here and there, ha ha. Now I write for a living, so I have a lot of grammar help to give. Thanks for being here! I look forward to seeing more from your interesting thinking-style.

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teacher. Do you agree or disagree with this. ( TOEFL writing) [3]

Here is another idea:
First and foremost, personal enjoyment is where I put my priority. ----This is a simple way.

In conclusion, not only personal happiness, but also parental encouragement and the efectiveness of studying are the convincing reasons of my approval. ----This sentence is almost correct. It is complicated, though! Write in a simple way. Write with short sentences. Short, powerful sentences are the best!

I highly recommend that anthropologists should thoroughly consider my essay to adopt a proper decision on the discussion of who to can be the best teacher.

I think you should use Ana's ideas and try to write the essay again. If you type it again with her suggestions, you will learn the correct habits.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Learning to be independent is essential for young adults [3]

Let's use SHOULD:
However, how early the children should leave their parents is a difficult question to answer.

In my point of view, staying with the parents for a longer time does has more benefits than disadvantages for the young adult.

...with his dad and mom at an early age.

When having a job, it is of low possibilities to work in unlikely that one will be able to work in his hometown. ---Is this what you meant to type?

Moreover, another daily expense is also the considerable outgoings.---What do you mean by "outgoing" here? I think a different word would be better.

:-)

Poetry / Why do I love you so much... [4]


Don't capitalize that W.

I don't like the repetition of that line. I think it makes the reader start to skim. I think the poem would be better if you only wrote that line once at the beginning and once at the end.

:-) Nice use of the word swooshed!

Book Reports / About a short story "Fair Extension" by Stephen King [4]

I see some grammar errors:

...they will not hesitate to change...

... their lives around if the cost is the damnation of their adversaries---The cost is their damnation?
Maybe you should change one of those words.

The story "Fair Extension," while it is an interesting story, outlines a negative yet normal aspect of human nature.

I think your thesis statement is not clear enough. Make a plain argument, a bold argument that not everyone would agree with. Say something strange and quirky about the story. Make it unique! :-)