Writing Feedback / 'the earliest teachers we have in our lives' - ielts task2 [2]

Obviously, the earliestfirst teachers we have in our lives in most cases are m our parents, and they are generally the most involved in the development and education of theirboth physical and mental growth of their children.

Yet neither are all parents good teachers noenor are those good parents, in most cases, the best teachers.------------- I suggest you to re-phrase this sentence.... your idea doesn't flow well :(

As normal individualsordinary human beings , some parents more or less have bad habits.

Even though parens almost instinctively devote themselves toin cultivating good habits in their offspring, the outcome might turn out to be disappointmentvery disappointing , for because allthe children have thetendency to unconsciously or subconsciously copy everything fromfollow their parents'habits and traits.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Boys naturally more agressive than girls? [5]

Boys are deemed to be aggressive than girls and this may be attributed to social or cultural settings as well as physical strength.----- why not take this point to your intro?

I think male are more egoistic compared to girls and that also make them more aggressive...

However, I like your unique style of writing ! You write well :)

Research Papers / Research about some of the main health problems in America [5]

Health has a huge impact inon our daily lives, both mentally and physically.

I suggest you to use "eating habbits" instead of "food" or "what we eat" because it covers many areas of food related issues. :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL (The passage and lecture is about autobiography) [2]

According to the passage, book makers are focused on the factor which the readers want to be heard, so it makes worse quality of biography. ------------ this lacks clarity and hence confuses the reader about what you are trying to say

However, the professor has a totally different point of view about autobiography.

She thinks that, through the book, we can understand the world which we have never been, experienced we never done before.

Writing Feedback / International tourism: 'foreigners should study local cultures before traveling' [6]

First of all, it helps people to relax and get away from the stress of their world of work.

By seeingenjoying the beauty of natural landscapesbeauties , lying on beautiful sunny beaches or taking part in exciting wilderness adventures in remote countries, people can easily recharge themselves and go backreturn to their daily life with full of energy.

In your first para you highlight two reasons to support your argument. However, you dont provide specific examples for both. My recomendation is to give one reason in each body para and provide a solid specific example to support that reason. :)

Scholarship / Statistics & Operations Research-What is your proposed study is intended to achieve [4]

Hi Bhanu,

I think Michael F. has provided you with a good insight and hope you pay attention to his comments and improve your answer... In addition, I feel your answer to the prompt lacks emotional appeal which would certainly help impress the panel of selectors. Just have a look at the following threads in this forum, a few that I could pick for you, to get some idea about answering your prompt in a more conceivable manner; Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / 'Some people ignore the importance of history' - IELTS essay [5]

While, others insist that haveing a knowledge of history is able to assist us to precisely apprehand the present. In my point of view, iI prefer that people should have atleast somecertain understandingsabout what happened in the pastof history.

When American troops released its fisrt atomic bomb in Japan, the whole world was shocked.

The history teachedtaught the world a lesson.

I wish to suggest this structure for your future essays since many people recommend it for IELTS and TOEFL essays.
1 para - Introduction which includes your view on the argument (this you have done nicely in your essay)
2 para - First reason why you think so supported with an example ( you have given the reason in your second para, but your example goes to the 3rd para.... I suggest both reason and example should be in one para)

3 para - second reason with the supporting example
4 - conclusion - briefly sum up everything you said above and reinstate your belief

Hope this would help you... Good Luck with IELTS :)

Writing Feedback / 'living without parents can give freedom' - TOEFL Essay [5]

Hi Mari Koshka,

Yes.... you should start your own thread and you cannot post essays in other's threads... It doesn't matter you write under the same topic.... Looking forward to reading your essay :)

Scholarship / Scholarship essay (Computational Bio-science) - At KAUST University. [3]

Hi

Computational Bioscience cannot be limited to certain number of fields. However, they are areas that trigger my interest. Among of these fields are Cell Biology, Biomedical Engineering, Genetics, and Molecular Biology. The topics mentioned earlierwhich are all related one to one another.

Some are concerned towith obtaining the data in the lab basis but some concerned towith utilizeing the supercomputing to obtain the essential information that cannot be extracted manually. ----------- i feel you should re-phrase this sentence to improve clarity of your idea. Further, since this is your introductory para, I suggest you to include some statement to be in line with how these fields help meet today's challenges (regional or world) and how they can serve the modern society... these points have been mentioned in your prompt and your answer may be evaluated against those :)

Writing Feedback / 'living without parents can give freedom' - TOEFL Essay [5]

Most of young adults want to independence from their parents as soon as possible. However, it is not easy for them unless if they are ready for beingmanaging things on there ownalone .

because of the following reasons

First of all, living with parents can save moneycosts . If someone lives alone, he has to payspend extra money such as room rental fee,accommodation and living expenses.

It gavecreated too much burden toon my parents.

since half of it had to be spent for paying my rent fee.

Comparinged to my friends who lived with their parents, I spent as twice as they did.

Especially for a woman, living alone is too dangerous because the world is getting cruel.more and more violent and unsafe.TooMany serious criminalscrimesare happened around us.

Safenessty does not only mean physically but also mentally.
Cooking at home is very difficult especially for the person who just started liveing alone.

We can eat healthy home-made cookingcooked food everyday (no comma here) and be taken cared by our parents whenever we are very sick.

Good ideas and examples... if you pay more attention to grammar and organization of your ideas and structure, you can go for a flying score :)

Good Luck!!!!!!!

Scholarship / 'my preachers, Charlie & Kathleen' - Op Left Scholarship Questions essay [3]


The prompt indirectly asks you what sort of personality traits of this person made you like him. I feel you should talk more about these people in terms of their qualities, personalities, talents etc.etc. that impressed you. You have mentioned that they were instrumental in nurturing your faith in God. But it is not enough and without giving an account of the places they took you to visit, talk about them more on the lines I mentioned.

In a sense, they were sort of like a secondary parents to me.

Writing Feedback / 'Work carefully' - Advantages and disadvantages of studying overseas [2]

Many students in countries which are not very developed, especially in the age group between eleven and fifteen tends to migrate to another countryother countries that arewhich is better than theirs. ------------ this sentence sounds a bit confusing due to poor organization. The part in bold talks about the students and therefore it should come with the first part of the sentence where you talk about students. Also note;

student(singular) ------- tends
students(plural)---------- tend (no s at the end)

Many students, especially who are aged between eleven to fifteen, prefer to migrate to developed countries such as America, UK and Australia that offer better standards of education.

Because of this willingness, they are even ready to go and study in these countries on their own.ButHowever,going tostudying in these countries can be risky, at the same time safe and usefulhave both positive and negative impacts on their lives.

After studying a long time in their country, most of the timemany teenagers starttend to think of the disadvantages of their own countyeducation system comparing to the systems of other countries which they like .

Try to write short sentences and avoid lengthening your sentences. That helps you improve clarity :)

Letters / 'eager to' - Letter of recommendation of my former professor to apply to Scholarship [5]

Hi Julian,

Hannah has suggested very good fixes for your reference letter. Following are my suggestions for the rest she has not touched;

Julian, together with his partner, developed a commendable laboratory instrument which now benefits our current students. He was also able to secure a perfect score of 5.0 for his Thesis. Julian is a hard worker ing, committed and with a good attitude and gentle, earnest spirit. He is always eager to learn and teachshare his knowledge with others . Our society needs more people like Julian, those who are committed to being competent and caringhelpful to our people . and whose studies will make a difference in the future. I recommend him highly.I sincerely believe that, if an opportunity is given to Julian to follow this Programme, it would immensly benefit Julian personally as well as our society.

Therefore, I am happy to recommend Julian for the xxxxxx Programme. Based on his qualifications, skills, capabilities and individual career development needs, I feel he would be an ideal candidate for this Programme.

Scholarship / Your ambitions and career plan- Sports Management Scholarship essay. [11]

You are welcome Imran!!!!! .... glad to have been able to help u. I collect good pieces of writing on this forum and yours is also in my section of scholarships :) I'm confident that you stand a good chance for this schol and wish you good luck with it!!!!

If you have free time keep giving feedbacks to others coz you have excellent writing skills.
cheers!

Scholarship / Your ambitions and career plan- Sports Management Scholarship essay. [11]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.... no ... I just joked. It made me laugh when I saw you got my gender confused ....lol

Sorry... I just copied and pasted on a word sheet and I think I've got a wrong count. You are well within... sorry about confusing you.

Scholarship / Your ambitions and career plan- Sports Management Scholarship essay. [11]

Hi Imran,

Glad that my feedback has helped you..Thanks for the appreciation too :) However, I am a female (you can find me in the contributor page for more detail :D) and you can always call me dumi without any formalities :D


This is good. Wish you could add at least one more sentence at the end, how the contents of your intended programme is going to help you in this regard. If you know the contents of the programme try to link them to show it would definetly help your personal growth and career advancement

I just checked your word count and found it exceeds the limit by extra 82 words. These are my suggestions for coming down on the count;

Being actively involved in sport never hampered my academic progress in any way. I topped my school in the 10th standard board exams;and also stood 5th in the merit list (Pune division) forat the 12th board exams. I was awarded the Best Disciplined Student prize for my all round excellence. My most rewarding experiences, however, were outside of the classroom associated with sport. As a professional cricketer representing JMJ sports Academy (Pune), I toured the UK playing matches against the likes of Michael Vaughn Cricket Academy and the M.C.C (Marlyborne Cricket Club). Later as a volunteer for Global Xchange I worked for a charity in London setting up a project which used sports and music as a means to engage teenagers who were not in education, employment or training. Theisexperience made me realise the importance of Voluntary sector in getting everyone involved in Sport.

I currently work for a company called 'Kooh Sports Pvt Ltd' which specializes in sport education management solutions. As a Senior Coach at 'Kooh Sports Pvt Ltd', a company specilizing in sport education managements solutions, I heading operations based at one of the schools we partner withour partnering schools.I amBeing the single point of contact (SPOC) between the school and the company thus playingI play a vital role in delivering an International Sports and Fitness Programme specially tailored to meet the requirements of Indian students.

In my quest to further enhance my knowledge and skills, I have alsoalso enrolled myself with foran Oregan based online certification course in Sports Business Management from Sports Management Worldwide, Oregon, USA . (i feel you dont have to give more detailed info here as their question is on something else)From the weekly worldwide audio chats with Dr. Lashbrook( Founder SMWW)I wish to knowlearn more about American sport andwhile building mya network with people in sport. By fF ollowing this up with a Masters in Sports Management from a university in UK, I'll gain exposure inwillhelp me acquiresports management expertise from two different countries with highly developed but very differentdistinct sports management and business and sports systems.


This is good :)


you can even do away with this if you want to cut down the number of words!
Contact me should you need any further assistance. I enjoyed helping you with this. :) Good luck again!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Difference between social behavior of children and adults. [5]

There are many elements that influence the social behavior of people during the different phases of their liveslife cycle .

I think your English writing skills are pretty good. However, you need to understand the essay structure and format for IELTS;
Your essay seems to be deviated from that expected structure and is full of theories and facts without any examples to support them. This also makes the reader confused about bored.

Essays / (children TV ads in the 1980s vs today) - Need Ideas for good thesis [6]

Okkkkkk... then 1980's would have been the begining of containing harmful messages in ads for children. (I dont know exactly....better find out that) If so, in that case you can contrast the severity of those harmful contents in 1980's and today. Whether it has increased and if so in what degree.... then connect that to the reasons as I mentioned above. I think you can bring in the impact of globalization on children's world into this thesis... you can take examples of the countries that were not so open to the world in 1980s and show the contrast to your reader....

Also you can talk about the technological changes that have taken place; How advanced the modern ads compared to those of 1980's in terms of technology.

I think you need to study this in detail and access many sources to find out facts before starting to pen down your thesis :)

Essays / (children TV ads in the 1980s vs today) - Need Ideas for good thesis [6]

Dear Jane,
For this you need to do some research - find out the prominant features of the old and new ads. Discuss how they differ and tell what are the reasons for those differences. Try to connect them to the pscychological, demographical and societal changes that have taken place in children's world over these years. If you can support your arguments with statistical figures that would be more convincing.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Study in home country or study abroad, which choice is the best? [3]

Because studying abroad could help students to expand their outlook, acquire the knowledge of more modern science and technology which isare not available domestically and nurture students' independence and autonomy.

I like your introductory para.

To begin with, studying abroad is able to enlargesthe students' vision. You could witness and experience a variety of exotic things including food, clothes, architecture etc in a foreign country on your own if you study abroad, which otherwise you can only be seenthem on TV. Take the westerners going to East Asia for example. They will be amazed to findexperience the daily diet of the easterner diets withtheir isrice being the staple of eastern cuisine , obviously different from those of them; and they will be impressiveed withof the elegant fashion of useing of chopstick as eating utensilsfor diner . More importantly , as a foreigner, you will get the opportunity to explore and experience distinct traditions and customs from thatthose of your homeland. For example, the family bond is stronger(this may sometimes annoy the western examiners....hahaha.... :P)families are more closely knitted in East Asia than those in the westerncompared to the west(no need of ; here) and old people are always respected as the source of wisdom and have higher society status.

Good ideas, good flow and good writing.... with a little more practice you can go for a flying score!!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK :)

Scholarship / Your ambitions and career plan- Sports Management Scholarship essay. [11]

Dear Imran,

Your revised version reads well. It's indeed a logical answer with depth. I only feel that if you could specifically say what you want to be in the short term, i mean your desired career position by which you can contribute to these areas, your answer would be more focused to the prompt. Even as it is, I feel you have written it very professionally. Good work! :)

It's the last ball of the match. We need to score 5 runs off it to win, a win that would make us champions. Surveying the field placements, I pick my spot. Then the crucial moment comes, the ball is delivered. I go deep within the crease and bang! The ball sails over the rope for a six! ----------------- beautiful!!

It is thisMy passion for sportsthat has always encouraged me to keep learning and push myselfadvancing my knowledge and skills and striving to be the best I can be.Hence, in order to enhance my career in sport, I need a programme that will enable me to develop sector specific knowledge and build on my experiences through a structured programme of study.This now prompts me the need of following a structured programme of study that help me develop sector specific knowledge while enabling me to build on my experiences.------------- I rephrased it for you, but your way is also good. Just a suggestion! :)

Your 3rd,4th and 5th paras talk about your background - skills, talents, experience and achievements etc. That is good.... but I feel again that distracts you from the focal point of the prompt. It asks you how this program going to help you achieve your career dreams and personal growth. In my view, you have not adequately addressed it. I suggest you should bring everything you spoke in 3,4 and 5th paras into one para that briefly talks about your background and capabilities that would help you stand out among others for the schol. And talk more and in detail how the contents and exposure of this program going to contribute to your career advancement and personal growth... As for ideas - in addition to acquisition of knowledge and skills you can also talk about networking opportunities, broadening your perspectives, getting exposed to high-tech environments etc.etc... you are the sports guy and you know better :D

Anyways.... I must commend you for your excellent writing skills in English! Very clear with a beautiful flow.... very impressive!!!!!
Good Luck with your schol!!!!!!

Writing Feedback / A rich person must be happier than a poor person [4]

In my view, TOEFL writing is to test your writing skills and they mark your essay as per their standard format of writing(i.e four para format ;. intro, body (at least two paras) and the conclusion). It doesn't matter whether you agree, disagree or take a moderate stance -

State your opinion in the intro. Then give your first reason as to why you hold that opinion and support it with examples. For example, you mention -


Now give a real life example for this argument.

Then give your second reason and support it with an example. Something like... My father always bought vehicles that managed fuel consumption efficiently and never owned a vehicle of his personal choice because he was well aware of his limitations on spending. However, my uncle, a company CEO, was never bothered about such details and always spent lavishly on his desired cars.

Finally, in the conclusion sum up what you said above and re-instate your opinion.

Good Luck with TOEFL!!!!

Writing Feedback / Does the Crazy Horse Memorial Exploit or Preserve History - Feedback [3]

Dear Felicite,

I too agree with Melissa... good job and really interesting piece of writing !!!!!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS,ESSAYSome people think that museums should entertain people [2]

They hide many important things and these are invaluable information should be cater tofor the general public. --------------- the word hide is not appropriate for your idea.... instead these artifacts reveal many hidden stories to the newer generation about the history of mankind.

However many individuals are visitingvisit museums as an excursionmerely for entertainment purposes , so they demand they should be entertainedbelieve that museums should provide facilities for entertainment.

Because they claim all are unable to understand art.------------- take this to your body paras.

Others however believe that museums should focus on education.Bb oth views will be discussed and finally i will pen down with my opinion.------------- You need to mention about the other view too. Also this is my suggestion for the part in bold;

I intend to discuss both views and then form my opinion.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2-should government spend money on saving languages [2]

Nowadays,nearly no country is immune fromto the problem of the extinction of some languages.--------------- immune means "protected by inoculation" and therefore it is not the right word here. I suggest;

Nowadays none of the countries have been able to survive from facing the threat of extinction of their native dialects or languages.

However, people hold different opinions about whether governments should or not be responsible for rescuingprotecting those endangereddying languages.---------- the word endangered is often used for living beings; for example - endangered species, endangered fauna etc.

This essay discussesI wish to discuss both sides of this argument and then I will giveestablish my own perspectiveopinion on this topic.argument.

Pay attention to vocabulary. Do a lot of reading to understand when and how certain words are being used. The words with similar meanings cannot be used to replace each other always.

Scholarship / Your ambitions and career plan- Sports Management Scholarship essay. [11]

Regarding your first prompt, I feel you have well dealt with the "ambition" part explaining that you wish to contribute for a paradigm shift in the field of sports in your country. However, I feel it deals more with a vision for your country and have less emphasis on your personal career development. As per the prompt, I'm of the view that you need to talk about your specific career plan aswell.... what you want to be in the future!

Some help with your word limit;

ASs a professional athlete who played the game of Cricket at a good leveland a cricketer , I always felt that for India to become a sporting giant, we neededneeds a paradigm shift in the way we looked at Ss portsto emerge as a sporting giant . This is what inspired me to pursue a career in sport, going beyond just being a player on the field. (a powerful sentence that justifies your ambition to the reader)PutsS imply, my ambition is to "Change the way sport is played in our country".

I feel you should stop at that point and break for another para.... then mention those key areas that in your view are the most important in making this paradigm shift. Without trying to explain them in details, tell that you wish to acquire knowledge to make an impact in these areas for your career plan. Tell them what you want to be in short term and then long term.

Hope my suggestions are helpful :)

Scholarship / 'Manager Site Merchandiser' Scholarships for working parents, long-term career goal? [3]

I too agree with Lima.... you need to have an emotional touch to convince them that you are a suitable candidate.

... but my goal jobwould bedream is to become one of the Senior Manager Site Merchandiser. In order to accomplish my goal at the company I would need to attainobtain a business management degree that would help me develop managerial skills such as ...(name a few skills that are required for you to be successful in your desired position)

Virginia College would be the right collegeplace for me to acquire my goalthese skills because it XXXXXXXXXXXthey would help me strive to become successful in my future. (this part does not add any value for your argument.... instead talk about the capabilities of the uni that could help you achieve these skills. For this find out more about its resources, capabilities, reputation, teaching staff etc.etc.

Essays / Starting an essay on too much attention to the personal lives of famous people [4]

this is my suggestion for your essay structure;

Para1 - Introduction - introduce your topic with one or two strong sentences and state your opinion (agree, disagree or both) on the topic statement.

Para 2 - Body paragraph - give your first reason why you hold that opinion. Support this reason with an example.

Para 3 - Body paragraph - give your second reason why you hold that opinion. Support this reason with an example.

Para 4 - Conclusion - Summarize what you said above very briefly and re-instate your opinion to conclude .

you can have more and more paras if you have time and ideas in the body. :)

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay for same sex marriage, The Non-Issue essay [3]

Same sex couples just want the benefits of being married like everyone else and there is no proof sayingrationale to justify that it is wrong for them to haveenjoy those benefits.

In the endmy view, same sex couples are really just couples and should be treated as such.not be subject to social discrimination. They need to be accepted by the society as a pair that wishes living together with a legal binding so as to enjoy the social benefits and feel secured in their lives together.

Letters / 'not afraid to try herself' - Maria Recommendation [3]

She has proved herself to be a responsible, independent, and capable student with abundance of creative abilitiestalents.

Maria collaborates with publishing house "Severnaya Nedelya", a reputed publisher of woman's magazines , as an active freelance writer where she did her internship as a part of academic curriculum and actively publishes her works in woman's magazines of the above publishing house.Moreover, Maria undertook an internship with the above publishing houseduring her undergraduate studies.

This is what I suggest for this part;
Maria works as a freelance writer for "Severnaya Nedelya", a reputed Russian publisher of woman's magazines where she did her internship as a part of academic curriculum of her undergraduate studies.

She attached her publications, of which life stories, to her graduation qualification thesis "Life story as a genre of modern woman's magazines".---------- difficult to understand what you are trying to say.... better re-write :)

Maria has hugea great potential for further education, research, and career development in suchthe field of journalism and literary activity domain .

Writing Feedback / Fixed punishments and taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discussion [5]

Today, we are living in a materialismtic world, as a result, the criminalcrime rate increases significantly and the Ll aws (dont capitalize)have becao me athe source of measure of moral values as well as a revengingpunishing tools.

The topic that how the Laws processinglegal process helps prevent crimes has aroused public concern. --------------- you have good ideas but they lack clarity when expressed so that the reader gets confused about what you intend to say. Try simple and short sentences and pay more attention to your vocabulary and grammar. You certainly have the potential to improve a lot and convince your reader with strong arguments. The following is my suggestion for this section of your essay;

Today we live in a more materialistic world where moral values of people are on the decline. This has resulted in ever increasing crime rates through out the globe. Therefore the modern societies depend heavily on their legal systems for preventing crimes. However, the fairness of the punishments enforced by law is highly controversial .

Writing Feedback / Fixed punishments and taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discussion [5]

One of the most controversial issues today related to punishments for each type of crime. ----------- In my view, this is not a good opening statement that provides a strong entrance to your essay. Try to start with a strong sentence that creates a good link to your next idea.

Some people argue that criminal punishments should be fixed whil st many others contend that this should be put into a range.considered on case basis .

In my opinion, both sides hold water. -------- does hold water mean that they both have weaknesses? I haven't come across that phrase before!

On the one hand, convincing argument can be made fixed punishment will have a deterring affecteffect to social crimes.---------------- this sentence has a poor flow that disturbs reader's attention. I would suggest;

On one hand, the fixed punishment would help reduce social crimes by warning people about the repercussions of committing such crimes.

First and foremost,In other words, with fixed punishments people know how muchabout the legal consequences they would have to face withofillegal activities exactly threat to their lives if they break the law. For example, accentancient Greeks had a law that if you stealstole anything, your hands wouldwill be cut off hands without making any reasons or explanationsinvestigation and this made Greeks society becamebecome the cleanestplace of lowerst crime rate in the world in its period.

Writing Feedback / My essay about transport-related foods [4]

Yes.... I feel it's better if you sum up what you said in your body in the conclusion. So this is what I suggest;

People certainly do enjoy merits of global food transportation. However, we also have to acknowledge that it has adverse effects on our health and environment. Therefore I strongly hold on to the view that there are more pains than gains in this scenario in terms of long-term well-being of mankind and the environment.

Writing Feedback / My essay about transport-related foods [4]

Good Job dear Sophie!!!!!! Your style of writing is commendable!!! Also your vocabulary is superb!

However, I feel that you should bring the second para before the first one (make it the first para) because from the reader's perspective, ill effects on health sounds more important than all other factors.

All things considered -------- you have a very unique style of writing that I really admire. However, I wish if you said this part a little differently :)

Writing Feedback / An Entrance Exam to Enter a University essay [4]

There are many reasons thatfor why universityies should bemake it mandatory for all students to take an entrance exam. First, an entrance exam can determine how students are interested tothe level of student's interest in that university and how keen the student is on his career their pursuit. There are many students applying to a wrong university and career(stick to your theme.... i guess it is about university entrance exams ) because of their parent's wishwould like them to going to that university , or merely because their friends are going to that universitystudy there , or they can getobtain financial aid or scholarship from that university.

Speeches / Speech about What the American Flag Means to Me [4]

Our countrymenhas so many freedomsenjoy more freedomthan the people live in other countries do not have , such as we enjoy the freedom of speech, (i brought it forward as this is them most important of all) freedom to vote for all colors and men and women without any discremination on race or gender, freedom of speech , and so many more! We are so lucky to have these rights when people of many other countries are still fighting for itthem .

I am beginning to believe that our citizens are forgetting how lucky we are to live here. They are unaware of all the advantages and privileges we have that other countries do not have. ------------- This sounds repetitive. You have already said this in your pervious sentence.

Two decades ago, my parents immigrated to the United States from Asia seekingfor new opportunities. They thought America was a great place forwith more opportunities and freedom to have a better future and more freedoms . ----------------------- I think you dont convince the reader enough about why you say America is a better place in terms of freedom compared to other parts of the world. You have to support your argument with reasons and examples. That is the area you need to pay attention in your essay.

Scholarship / 'the Hispanic population and education' - CHCI Scholarship Essay [3]

only thirteen percent of the Hispanic population containedwere in possesion of a bachelor's degree or higher

The majority of Latinos are immigrants and so their daily struggles include poverty, separateddisturbed or incomplete families (why I changed seperated to disturbed is that I felt both seperated sound too close) , poor education, experiences of traumatic events fromhappened in their native lands, and very limited knowledge of English. ------------ this is a good sentence by which you nicely describe the issues faced by Latinos.

To set up a better link with the previous idea, I suggest the following;
ThereforeIt can beLationos find it is a tough challenge for themchallenging to quickly adapt into a new environment and culture in a foreign land and at the same time to become a successful personin life.

However, each day thousands of Latino men and women fight through the criticism and tough situations in an attempttheir bid to reach success. ----- strong idea.... good

At a very young age I too was exposed to traumatizing events which have left their mark upon my family's heart. After experiencing and seeing the effects of these struggles,These real life experiences nurtured my desire offor learning psychology became evident .

but also because of the reactions and spirit of gratitude it brings to others. -------------- this part is a bit confusing for me.... better rephrase it to give your idea more clearly

Through psychology not only have I found an explanation for the behaviors and attributes one possess, but I've found a way to help those in need of healing and escaping as well. ------- I suggest;

My knowledge in psychology iternally came in my help to analyse and understand the root causes for different behaviors and attributes of my people and thereby finding ways to assist those who were desperately in need of psychological support.

Writing Feedback / The study essay on Insect Entomopathogenic Nematode [9]

Dear Sanaz,

I guess what you are asking is that whether what you have written is incorrect. It has a small grammatical error as follows;
The most important biocontrol agents are considered to be entomopathogenic nematodes .

The problem with your writing, apart from grammar for which you need to pay lots of attention, is that most of your sentences do not flow properly and sounds very abrupt. Unless you have some subject knowledge, which I do not possess, it is very difficult to catch the idea. That is where I struggle in helping you :D.

However, you can avoid this problem by shortening your sentences and limiting one sentence to one idea. That would help you improve clarity of your writing

A few more;

In continuing efforts to identify morphological characteristics, molecular and crossbreeding tests were conducted with the use of native species collected are used for identification .

The other three isolates (Boj7, Boj8 and Boj9) (no comma here)waswere awarded the "Steinernema" genus Online survey, the first study of entomopathogenic nematode native population in North Khorasan.

Writing Feedback / The study essay on Insect Entomopathogenic Nematode [9]

The most important biocontrol agents are considered entomopathogenic nematode.------------- I would suggest;

Entomopathogenic nematodes are considered to be the most important agent for biological control of insects.

five samples of the two Steinernemaand Heterorhabditisgenera waswere isolated.

Writing Feedback / IEITS: topic about adverting for goods [9]

Hi Jaijagadeesh,

As per forum rules you cannot post your essays in other's threads. So start a new thread for this essay and then others would give you their comments. :)