Graduate / 'my promise of starting the hospital' - most significant achievement to date? [8]

Ok Manish.... Let me re-look at it, keeping your word constraint in mind;

I approached them with amy proposal that promised of getting the project on board within a year and they offered me the the jobaccepted it . My first step was to meet and discuss with the relevant staffto gather information with regard to reasons forabout the failure of the project even after completion of buildingby holding discussions with the relevant staff. I also got to know about the problems throughalso studied the documents and. I relied more on documentation them because of possible biasness of the staff contents could have been biased. But I neverdid not discarded or ignored their opinions. I was ready withhad my review report in 10 days in which I comprehensively discussed and highlighted the key issues that caused the delay for the failure together with an action plan for restarting the wholeresuming the project.

Although fF unds were not a major issue,butthe stakeholders,were. The board consisted of the 17 trustees inon the board, who had differing business interests and views on the project. (I did this change to have a link with your earlier para and also feel it's better if you can say something about handling their different ideas and bringing all of them together)However, finally they agreed toI presented my road map to them, starting with a suggestion toof converting 150 beds to 35 beds based on population serviced v/s incidence of cancer andwith reducinged initial investments. I suggested making of variousOn my request several sub-committees, with not more than 3 trustees, were formed and they were empowered to make decisions. They should have independently.decision making power andtT heir decisions would bewere reviewed inon monthly basis with the intenst ion of hastening the process but keeping accountabilityexpediting the process and making them accountable.(suggest to break for another para here)

I'll help u with the last para too if u like. If so, pls post the edited version once again sothat it would be easy for me to run through it again.

Graduate / 'my promise of starting the hospital' - most significant achievement to date? [8]

I contactedapproached them with a proposal that promisedto start the hospitalof getting the project on board within a year and they offered me the the job.accepted my offer.After joiningMy first step was to meet and discuss withI met other staffs (a clerk & a watchman)the relevant staff(I think you dont have to specifically say whom you interacted with) to analyse thegather information with regard to reasonsbehind itsfor failure to take off in-spite of completion ofbuildingcompleting the building construction . I alsogot to know about the problems through the documents and staffs . I relied more on documentson documentation for more informationasbecause althoughtheir versions could betheir contents could have been biased but they never discarded or ignored their opinions. (here I have a problem of understanding whose opinions. Are they the opinions of the staff?) I was ready with my review reportkey points in 10 days in which I comprehensively highlighted the key issues that causedabout the delay together with an action plan for restarting the whole project. (I added a sentence to arrange the flow and also think it is better to break for another para here)

Funds were not a major issue but the stakeholders wereownership was . The board consisted of 17 trustees who had variousdiffering business interests and had more than 17 views to start it on the project.

Graduate / 'my promise of starting the hospital' - most significant achievement to date? [8]

I completed my Postgraduation in Radiation Oncology in 1999 and in those times Radiation Oncologywhen this field was mainly inmostly limited togovernmentthe state run institutions. Thereand had onlywere about 15 centers in the Private sector. I wanted to start my independent career in the pP rivate sector withwhich had the latest equipments.

Within a year of my Post-graduation I came to know about this Trust, which struggled withunsuccessfullytrying to start aits project of 150 bedded Cancer Hospital for the last 5 years.

I contacted then with a promise to start hospital they accepted my offer.------------This sentence seems to be weak. What is your offer? You better clarify it with more detail 'cause this is the starting point of the description of the role you played there.

Undergraduate / 'born of Chinese descent to major in Chinese' - UC transfer applications [5]

The short time we lived in Singapore made me see everything from a different angleperspective and I gained a whole differentbegan to respect and be a part of for the world around me.

I learned so much in that class and even had the opportunity to apply what I learned to when I visited China.

Since then, I have decided that I would like to major in Chinese so that I can learn more about this fast developing countrynationandso that I can teach it to the future generations.

Writing Feedback / 'An excellent teacher and a good friend' - describe the best teacher you ever met [4]

I thought i would never metmeet a perfect teacher any more, but quite amazingly, I met such one in my senior year of the college, professor Liu.

God treats me well, but when compared with him, much inferior to that of him.---------- I think this sentence lacks a nice flow and therefore your idea does not properly conveyed. Also I'm not sure whether this sentence adds much value to your essay since you try to compare your teacher with yourself, a student. I think you better avoid the comparison part and tell what is so great about him that would make the reader believe that he is a perfect teacher.

Scholarship / 'my life and the transition' - A&M Personal Essay - Scholarship Application [2]

Each year outlines a memory I can remember very clearly.andnow that I reflect back, each year hasWhen I analyse them I see how profoundly they influenced shapinghow I functionof my character today.

Undergraduate / 'Our world is failing the future' - International Issue of Personal Concern [4]

Every great dream arises frombegins withthe force of a single, profound thought. My thought took its root at the age of eight when I, for the first time,witnessedsaw a child begging for the first time in my life : Why?

Ten years later, I finally set foot in Siruvani, India. Fromwheremy initialI had this thought thereconceived.had flowered a grand questThere onwards I struggled to understand and assist thesuch unpriviledged children of this world,(no comma) who, for some reason, could not live as I didwere deprived of having a childhood as mine . I was(or wanted to??) to teach the children of rural India, and in returnthe hope ofI could attempt to comprehendavailing an opportunity to understand this social disparity.

Writing Feedback / Do you think long distance flight should be banned? [2]

Individuals typically electconsider airplane as a relatively convenient, time-efficienct, and economical way oflong travel for a long time . As aircraft utilisingair travel is accompanied by thewith some serious adverse effects on the environment such as wastage of natural resources wasting and air contamination, whether air travel should be strictly prohibited has beenbecome a highly controversial issue.

Undergraduate / 'My life synonymous to diversity' - my Rutgers essay [7]

Being born in India and br ought up in the United States of America, I had, and have, anmiraculousample opportunity to gain significanta vast knowledge ofabout traditions and cultures inof both these nations.

During the process of these shifts in location, I had made many friends withwho are having contrasting backgrounds;

this helped me grow as an individual and learn truths of life that are very essential for one to knowmature .

Friends in India have taught me the strong cultural prominence one should have towards religionhis spiritual life.
My friends in both, India and America have taught me how an ideal human should live life like .

Therefore, I have accumulated various truths and skills of life during my family's location shifts. Those truths and skills have, now, have become a huge pile of valuable treasure that will guide me through tough times in the future.------------------ This sounds a bit repetitive. Try it differently;

This exposure of diverse cultures, has enabled me to braoden my perspectives, develop various skills and understand people better that has enriched my confidence in facing new challenges in life.

Undergraduate / 'Growing up in Venezuela' - Boston university United Nations [2]

Growing up in Venezuela, I learned about all the cultural riches thatrich cultural heritage of my country provided ; but as my horizons expanded, I started realizing that there wereare many other countries anddiverse cultures out there that Ihad not yet learned about . My curiosity for learning about these cultures started growinggrew with time, and now that I am about to start thisa new stage ofphase in my life, I am more than ready to embrace the large amount of diverse culturescultural diversity which has obvious presence in Boston University.

Undergraduate / "Be a leader, not a follower." - FSU [5]

Thro ugh experience I have learned that with leadership rises great responsibility.

A praiseworthy leader holds theirhis head up with integrity and leads by always setting a good examples .

Everywhereday we are surrounded by leaders, not only the obvious ones who hold positions such as CEOs of a major companies, military generals, or politicians. We are also surrounded by natural born leaders, those who were born with the characteristic of leadership., but with many others who are born leaders in their character.

While I agree with what is said in the previous posts, I think your answer should focus more on why leadership appeals to you ahead of other characteristics.

Writing Feedback / English reading 1. Fundamental of Soccer [4]

Even though the professional soccer players such as Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo became one of the bestworld class players, they were not good at it beforehad to work really hard towards their sucess .

They learned the tricks and fundamentals of soccer through practice and hard work.

Fundamentals are very important because it makesthey help the player sharpenstheirhis agile footwork.

ThereAlthough there are many fundamentals of soccer, but there are three main fundamentals: the first isthe ball control, dribbling, and passing are the three main fundamentals.

These techniques are the foundation offor all great soccer players.

Writing Feedback / Toefl IBT Writing, Topic: In order to be well-informed, .. [4]

Some people believe and feel enough about the sources, but other peoples don't. ----------- this sentence doesn't convey your idea clearly. Try;
Some people believe that having one source of information is sufficient for them to be well informed.

However, in my opinion, I believe that a person don't must get information from many different news sources in order to be well-informed.

First, people can catchreceivethe information from the media like such as television, internet, or the printed mediapublications.

Undergraduate / 'to stand by my decisions and promises' Common app: evaluate a significant experience [2]

I really enjoyed reading your essay. You have excellent writing skills and a very philosophical writing style. I only came across the following sentences as a bit confusing to me;

They found my storytelling as fascinating as I am with their military life.But, instead, I was provided with their details and was left to construct the overall scene myself. --------- I dont get this point very clear.

The meaning when someone stands, unyielding, for what they believe in; when someone pursues, to the fullest extent, the fulfillment of an idea, a promise. ------------ I feel this has too many pauses that may distract the reader.

Well done and GOOD LUCK!!

Writing Feedback / 'She cares about our feelings' -the best teacher i ever had [5]

When some of my classmates cannot pay their school's fees on timebecause of some money's problemdue to financial constraints , Mdm.Ezlyn helps them by borrowinglending them money.wW hen a group of students in my class will gonewent to Kuala Lumpur for 1one week (state why they went to KL) , she brought a cake to our class to celebratedthemtheir achievement and this shows how much she cares for the lefther students in my class . She cares about our feelings.

Dont forget to start sentences with capital letters even when you do drafts.

Writing Feedback / essay about women opportunities [4]

In the current lifesmodern socities weeveryone can noticedthat the increasingpercentagesnumbers of the divorces and the continous problems appear in our housesserious domestic issues that disturb peace and harmony of family lives are ever increasing. The peace of mind is no longer found in our families. One of the main resons for that is the high opportunities that have been given to the womens nowadays. In my opinion this issue has a serios disadvantages where I belive it affect more than effect the sociatyits benefits to the society .

Writing Feedback / 'The perceived greatness of any political leader' - GRE Essay [3]

While I agree with what Leah West has said about your writing, I think the focus of your essay has slightly deviated from the theme topic. I think you need to deal more with the fact that whether it is the leader's inherant skills and abilities or his experience make him a great politician. In this scenario, you need to show how the inherent skills and abilities help a politician to succeed over his experience or vice versa. Or both factors contribute equally towards his greatness. In any case, you need to support your argument with examples that help convince your ideas to the reader.

Your English language skills are excellent.

Writing Feedback / Ietls7 - positive environment for children grow up (people with talents) [2]

This , however, has blinded people to the factthink that othersanybody can make quicker progress towardin their academic and practical success by exchanging experience and knowledge and training hardly .Takeing playing guitar as an example;peopleone can not to be a professional guitarist in a short time without any training , ithe needs to be patient and keep practicingplaying for a long time .

I think you can improve a lot 'cause you seem to have good ideas and vocabulary. It's a matter of paying more attention to grammer and arrange your flow of writing. You can do this by practicing your writing and also reading other's essays. Try to write shorter sentences that would help you to get a good start. Good Luck with IELTS!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How should the visitors and the host country deal with cultural differences? [4]

Some people claim that the visitors should follow local customs and behavior, by arguing that, as visitors to other countries, what we should do is to visit, to experience and to learn about the various colorful exotic culture, definitely not to change themit is the best way for the visitors to enjoy and experience the other cultures and not to impose any threat for changing those cultures.------------------- When you write very lengthy sentences, you tend to loose track.

You write very well and surely go for a very good score at IELTS.

Writing Feedback / 'She cares about our feelings' -the best teacher i ever had [5]

talking aboutIf someone asks me who is the best teacher i ever had, it is pretty easy for me to sayanswer that Mdm.Ezlyn Dyana Dusi was the best teacher i ever hadis the one ].(note; try to avoid repeating phrases in sentences)sS he is our homeroom teacher and i could say that she is alooks very cute and small in statue teacher because she hada small body size .She just turned 26 years old but already got married.

sS he is also a caring and understanding person.sS he cares about us.Before startsing the lesson for thatthe day,she would ask about the problems that we are facinghave and she would give the best to help solve our problems.

Pay attention to grammer!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Watching television broadcast - 'fertile land of numerous shows' [3]

But I dont know what's wrong with " belief has it that". I am taught that it is the same as " It is believed" or "People believed that". .... No, your way is not incorrect. Mine is just a suggestion. I think you can write well, but I prefer you write in direct speech that helps you improve clarity of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - Cars enslave us rather than liberate us? [4]

Cars now seem to have made our livelife easier and more convenient. Nevertheless, in my opinion, more cars give us create much more problems than their benefitsthey benefit us .

The prices of new cars are so high that they usually need to take a credit to buy onerequire a person to buy them on credit . Moreover, cars are not only expensive to buy, but also cost very much to runinvolve high maintainance costs .

Writing Feedback / Toefl: communal investments should be focused on which part [5]

With the rapid development of our society, communal investments on community development has now become a national concern.

However, the spiritual constructionsdevelopment(construction is mostly used for materialistic things)needs more financial aid to letis important for the people to experience the essence of culture and maintain a high level of mental health and hence more financing is required for such activities.

Writing Feedback / "Buddhism is gradually disappearing" - Buddhism in India [3]

For long time ago,In the past, people used to paying attentionpractice Bhuddism more devoutly by people whowith going tovisited the temple often , they usually went there to pay respect to the Lord Buddha, makeearn merits, set the animals free, listen to Dharma, and makeengage in religious rituals. Buddhism also has theits own rules and Buddhism make people aware of the consequences that would follow up as wellof their own actions .

For example, at the school, students prayedfollowed Buddhist riualistic traditions in the morning to calmdiscipline their minds andto concentrate to on the studyinges better .------ it's better to make a stop here and start a new sentence.

andtT hey also meditated in the afternoon as wellbecause meditation is one of the most important aspects of a practising Bhuddist to train and discipline the mind . and like our houses that must have the Buddha to sacred andFurther, as Buddists we believe that the Buddha couldone who lives according Buddha's teachings would be protected from evil happeningsour security . ThereIt is not only inat the temple but also everywhere such as the example above.the Buddism was practised

Writing Feedback / Teofl - I support that businesses hire somebody as their employees or workers. [3]

Hi,

Some people agree with this statement that businesses should hire employees, but some people disagree with that businesses should hire employees. ---------- try to avoid copying the same words in the theme topic 'cause you may loose marks by doing so. Say it slightly different;

While some people agree that businesses should hire employees for their entire lives, others do not agree with them.

In this regard, I agree that hiring employees or workers for life time has several advantages. I support this idea becausebelieve that businessmeneshave more important jobs, they are capable of need to have people with new skills and competencies time to time in order to develop their business, and they can get the convenience.and stay also to stay in business.

Undergraduate / "Matrix of inspiration and dream "- Why UChicago? [5]

I think it's well written, Inhoo Jo. You have answered the prompt clearly. While reading it I only found the following sentence is a bit too long and felt it would be more effective if you break it up to two. That's just a suggestion for you to consider;

Enjoying Kendo, one of the most famous Japanese traditional martial arts, and squash, I gained the ability to view the world in different perspective that I would not have been able to have, had I merely been a student interested only in academic affairs.

Undergraduate / "Winter Guard" Extracurricular Activities and a Risk I've Taken Common App [4]

Hi Jennifer,

I too agree with Paul Jo about the negative phrase of "I had no interest in teaching". I think it safer if you give more emphasis to your passsion for art and you willingness to help build artistic talents of your community. That would help you earn more marks for that section.

Art to me is more thea n just pencil meeting paper.----- lovely!!

As I acted as the teacher assistant, I felt that I was less a teacher and more a student myself, ---------I like your style of writing very much!

GOOD LUCK with school!!

Writing Feedback / 'A Lesson I'll Never Forget' - Narrative Essay [2]

I found myself staring at the ceiling; every time I closed my eyes the flashbacks would come back began to return. -------- I suggest this because I feel "flashback" and "come back" sounds a bit of repertitive.

Amidst the tT housands of questions raced through my mind that night, butone in particular keptcoming backtormenting me all the time .

I enjoyed reading your essay. Your writing is very high standard. Please treat the above as mere suggestions which may sometimes help improve your essay further.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-study history and literature or science and mathematics [4]

I think "can not" and " cannot" are both correct. --- Moderators - please comment !

Writing Feedback / 'born in Ikoyi, Lagos Island, Nigeria" - childhood memories [3]

Childhood memories are special to everyone in different ways, it isthey can be either good or bad. iI have many happy memories of my childhood and still enjoy looking back onrecollecting thosethe good times. iI was born in Ikoyi, Lagos Island, Nigeria and raised in Lagos Island. I was brought up in an extended family which included my parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, aunt, uncle, cousins, nieces and nephews. My father was a government worker and my mother was a trader. Out oO f all the memories, there are three unforgettable events that took place in my childhood. I had theI consider as the most pleasureous memories of my childhood.They are the memories of my first horse riding, the summer vacations spent with the grandparents, and the high school graduation.

I was brought up in an extended family which included my parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, aunt, uncle, cousins, nieces and nephews. -------------- It would have so nice! Not many people have this opportunity today and you are very lucky to have been loved by all these people!

Make sure you start sentences with capital letters in your final draft. I enjoyed reading your essay. It's very good!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL--good teachers' salaries improve the quality of education fast [4]

By increasing teachers' salaries, teachers can spend more time on education.----- though your sentence does not seem to have grammer issues, I feel it doesn't sound logical. Salary increment would help teachers financially but it would not avail them more free time. So I suggest you to create a link between the two such as;

By increasing teachers' salaries, they would be motivated to perform their job better.

Also I feel you should re- write your first para because it does not clearly convince your ideas to the reader. First be clear with the idea you are going to tell the reader and then support it with an example. In toefl they expect this.

For example;
By increasing teachers' salaries, they would be motivated to perform their job better. Without recieving a proper wage for their service, the teachers may be demoralized and therfore be less committed to their job . This could create serious issues that can have a negative impact on the education system because their dedication and committement play a crucial role in enhancing the quality of any education system. For example, a school with all the modern facilities would not produce good scholars if it does not have a high performing teaching staff that guides their students in the right path to success.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-The best way to relax is by exercises. [11]

It is not surprised that exercises play a crucial role in ameliorating(I'm not very familiar with the usage of this word ; I would instead use a word such as "improving" here. Hope a moderator would comment on this, which would help me improve my English vocabulary aswell!) physical health. Any kinds of sports, such as jogging, swimming, or playing basketball, can effectively facilitate human respirationory and blood circulation systems . Moreover, these sports can also strengthen muscles and lessen surplus adipose tissues in human body. The latter one is of particular importance because nowadays more and more people are suffering from obesity.

Many studies hashave(note; studies - plural and has - singular) , pointsed out that numbers of overweight people have increased in developed countries in recent years, which mainly results from insufficient exercises.----- this seems to be a week sentence, specially with regard to grammer. I suggest;

According to many studies, there has been a sharp increase in the numbers of overweight people in developed countries in recent years mainly due to lack of physical exercises.

Try to avoid writing very lengthy sentences because you may loose track of what you really want to tell. It's good to keep things simple and short. Be careful with grammer and Keep practising while you become confident! You can do a good job!!!

Writing Feedback / 'Technology and working in front of a computer is a fantastic idea' - IELTS essay [2]

Nowadays, communication has become less difficult because ofdue to technological developmentadvancement.

Furthermore, these people canmay lose personal attachment with other important people like such as their family and friends. Becausewhen they use computers as a tool for communication.In such case they do not have to personally interact with other human beings. Thus, their bonding with others can deterioratebe seriously affected.

You can write well. All the best with IELTS!!

Writing Feedback / ielts - pointless to keep traditional skills alive ? [2]

It is certainly irrefutable that today there has beenare numerous advancements in technology.This includesThese include progress in agriculture, infrastructure, research and a host of other essential sectors.

However, I agree towith this statement only to a certain extent as I shall discussdue to the reasons I will be discussing below.

To illustrate this further, today there is an equipment calledthe modern sewing machine is far more advanced and capable of handling many sewing tasks effectively and efficiently than traditional sewing methods used for sewing earlier. Hence, what is the point of continue usingusage of thesuch traditional waymethods of sewing clothes when there is an easierefficient and a more convenient choice? ...NOTE that easy and convenient both have very close meanings

Apart offrom that, I am sure that other equipment such as blender, fan, and an array of other electrical items hashave indeed made human life seemmore comfortable.

Writing Feedback / 'evaluate the teachers' performance instead of improving the salary of teachers [3]

Hi,
Ofcourse you can have many examples followed by "such as". For example,

Teachers' performance depend on many factors such as their committment, knowledge, attitude etc.

you better have some examples in the following sentence using such as; Moreover, even if salary can have a positive influence on enhancing the quality of teaching, other factors in the society may also affect the quality of education such as ....

You write very well and you have excellent vocabulary. I think you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you dont worry 'cause you would go for a very good score!

Writing Feedback / Movies or television influence people's behavior badly. [3]

And not only they are just a form of wonderful entertainment, moviesbut also affectthey can greately influence human'sreactionperception on many issues, which can be explained more in my essay below .

In a movie, we always see the two kinds of characters: the good one and the bad one. Each has his own of characteristics which symbolizeforrepresent the real people.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL physical exercise -on giving preference [4]

Your writing is not bad. I think you should pay more attention to your essay topic. In this essay the examiner is more specific about the impact of physical activities on students. So, I feel you should not deviate too much from that point and talk more on how students benefit by doing physical exercises. In your essay you have given little attention to the students and spoken more on how a nation can benefit out of physical exercises.

This is how I feel. Let's see what others got to say about your essay, especially the moderators!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL physical exercise -on giving preference [4]

Although some people think that the major part of school schedulecurriculum should be entirely devoted tofocussed on academicsstudies , I truly believe that the physical education part should not be outweighedtoo plays an important role in both physical and mental development of the students.

Physical exercises help to create healthy nation, assist to learning through direct observation and finally aid to financial development of a country. ----- this sentence seems to have poor organization of words and ideas. It is not very clear for me what you intend to tell. Better rewrite this or take it off from your essay.

First of all , there is anthe ancient Latin proverb says : "Anima sana in corpore sano", which means that a healthy body is thebasisfoundation for a healthy soul.----- good one! I have never heard of this proverb before, but I've heard the English proverb - Health is Wealth.

There is a direct linkagerelationship between people's health and thefrequency of doinghow regular they do physical exercises. The more we practiceengage in physical exercises , the better we feel both physically and mentally.

Writing Feedback / Teachers obligations are much greater that can be summarized only in compliment and punishment [9]

Hi Masha,

I am not American and also not a native English speaker. I'm Sri Lankan! However, I'm glad you found my posts worthy. Thank you!

Writing Feedback / Teachers obligations are much greater that can be summarized only in compliment and punishment [9]

A great deal of research has been conducted by psychologists to find out the best methods of teaching. However, aA ccording to the one of their articles published in Associated Press, there is no one best way to teach for all studentsevery student . They found out that for every student there is only a way which can be counted as the best one and teachers should know all teaching methods and the best time to utilize themthe effectiveness of teaching techniques purely rely on the different requirements, interests and capabilities of students. The method which could be the best for one student may not be so effective on another. Ats the first step, teachers should discoverunderstand the studentsbetter such as understanding his personality, aptitudes, weaknesses, strengths etc. and fitapply the techniques in germane to the students abilitiesaccordingly . For instance, in the field of music, some students learn viabytheir ears ; It is enough for them to listen to a music several times then they can play the music wellbefore playingwhile some others prefer to learn music based on traditional method, such as reading notes. Although both the ways should be taughtcould be adopted for teaching , teachers should adopt a suitable approach to upgrade his educational styles for every studenthave the responsiblity to choose the most approprite teaching method for their students. .