Essays / "if he has education, he may steal the whole railrod"- How to continue my essay? [2]

Is it supposed to be an essay about this quote? If so, you should look into what the quote means... President Roosevelt was showing how some of the most evil people are the ones that work within the system of laws and "steal" by making ruthless manipulations. He is showing that the simple people who lack education may have to steal in order to survive, but that the people with lots of education are able to do far more damage. This also implies that education alone is worthless without good moral standards.

Sorry I didn't get to respond before your deadline! I hope you are doing okay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Ut Austin Essay B (Poverty and Education) [10]

The subtle changes you made to the beginning of this are excellent. Taking the word "some" out of that 2nd sentence, and restructuring it.. it's looking good!

After some deliberation I have come to the---- I would change the verb tense:
After some deliberation I came to the...

But did you really deliberate? I bet you did not. Maybe that phrase is superfluous, just a cliched thing to say that involves a cool word. It might be more powerful to just say:

The current system of world aid is in need of a serious overhaul.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Indian-White Relationship in Colonial New England, can you check my essay [3]

You can't just start by saying something had been some way without saying "when" you are talking about:
When (something something something), the Indian-White relationship had long been...

I agree with hellokitty about not saying "indian-white!! It seems like a terrible term. :-)

When the colonists arrived to area of New England to settle, the Indian tribe of Wampanoag helped them. ---- is this sentence the only sentence in the paragraph? It should be the second sentence, and it should be preceded by a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph.

The Indian aggressiveness grew all the way to a war that did not have any provocation by the part of the colonists.--- this sentence is not quite right, because you are arguing that they did indeed provoke it. I know what you mean, but the sentence should be revised.

:-)

Undergraduate / Pharmacy undergrad application essay - "someone who has influenced you" [6]

"class---> stood up from their" does not work. It violates a rule called "number agreement."
How about this:
As Mr. John Fister had instructed, the entire class of students stood up from their seats. --- this seems a little better, though it actually makes the same mistake in a less obvious way. you could even write:

As Mr. John Fister had instructed, the entire class stood up from their seats. and ______ (did something?)

above and beyond the call of duty--- whenever you use a cliche like this, try to revise it so that you work it in a unique way. Can you come up with a creative way to express the same thing?

Look for ways to say stuff in fewer words, so your essay is not all fat and full of phrases:
Throughout the years that I had known him in Throughout my high school years, Mr. Fister ...

And kill those adverbs. Adverbs weaken writing most of the time:
...always greatly advocated for the participation of extracurricular activities.
you can say he advocated for them by ____ (doing what?). It is better to show through example rather than tell with an adverb.
Anyway, those are all minor, no big deal! You write very well.

Undergraduate / interest in interactive media - University Entrance Essay [3]

I have always loved to see photography and visual communication combined with interactive media.

It is a lovely combination from my point of view, as it is a great way to present arts.--- good sentence!

I have developed a keen interest in photography ever since my dad bought a compact camera.

After a few years, my interest in photography has grown hugely.

My first thought was that it was cool and fun.

You need to work on writing verbs in the past tense, like this:
It grew when I was in ...

It will require a lot of time and effort to make the perfect combination of photography, visual communication and interactive media.

great ending!

Research Papers / Title, introduction, method, results - writing a Research Proposal in APA Format [5]

There is a possibility It is possible that differen t kinds of lighting in a classroom can affect the attention span of students during lectures. Different kinds of lighting in a classroomwill be used t o test how long the students can pay attention to the lectures. Depending on the lights, the students may or may not want to paid pay attention to lectures.

This part should be a diferent paragraph, because the importance of paying attention is a different subject:
If the students can't pay attention to the lectures, they will miss out on important information.

You should tell us why you chose the article that you chose.

Also, I wonder if maybe you can come up with better methodology. It does not have to be a test that students take. It is tough to measure their ability to pay attention by using a test, because many other factors affect how well they do... not just the lighting.

check this out: sciencedaily.com/videos/2006/1212-are_you_really_paying_att ention.htm

Also, you could use a qualitative method for this. You could interview people about their opinions on the effect lighting has.

:-)

Dissertations / Masters in food and consumer safety / packaging - Research title [9]

Are you trying to come up with a title before writing the paper? That is never easy. You need to come up with a focus for the thesis paper before coming up with a title. Your job right now is to read at least 10 articles written about food/consumer safety -- recent articles from the past 10 years -- and look at what they are focusing on. some articles will have a review of literature, which contextualizes their topic. The context described in lit reviews of recent articles will also be the context for your article. You need to find a place within this area of expertise that requires more research.

I recommend John Cresswell's books about research methods. Read a little about research methods and a lot aout what is going on in your field, and decide what contribution you want to make.

When you know your paper's focus, coming up with a title is fun and easy.

Undergraduate / "Having a child made me a better person"- meaningful experience, FAMU admissions [3]

A comma after "married" in that first sentence would make it clearer.

Due to certain (find a better adjective to use! :-) circumstances I took one the most important steps in life at the age of seventeen: having my child.


I think I understand it. It means having kids makes you want to be married and accomplished -- if you care about marriage and accomplishment. Not everyone believes in marriage, though, so it might improve the credibility of the essay if you write:

When a person with a background like mine has a child, the notions of marriage and accomplishment come to mind.

Before having my son I never thought about going to college, but then I realized nothing can be accomplished without a college education.

It also changed my whole outlook on life; before I had been thinking that everything should be handed to me, b ut after...

You seem to have only one real point to make, which is that it is important to you to accomplish good things in order to be a good parent. Now you need to think of a few sub-ideas related to this, and write a body paragraph for each idea.

:-)

Essays / Churchgoers vs non-churchgoers - classification essays [2]

Google this: how to write a classification essay
If you read a few different explanations, you will get a good sense of how to do it in your own way. One interesting thing about this topic is that the way you describe each classification depends on your perspective. I suppose the perspective of the person doing the classifying is always significant, but that is especially true in this case.

Before you start writing, you have to decide who is doing the classifying and who is being classified. For example, are you focusing only on one religion or on all religions that involve churchgoing.

Remember to start each paragraph with good topic sentence.
Google this: how to write topic sentences

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Freedom to Failure" - Definition & Example paper, passive voice, prepostion use [2]


Yes, isn't it interesting that we crave that sense of connectedness, so we blog and twitter about what we do, and we always try to stay connected with everything. The thing that seems most fantastic to us is fame, which is like being connected with everyone. This observation about human nature should make us take another look at the spiritual traditions that emphasize meditation that leads to an awareness of our connectedness with everything.

Oneness seems to be what it is all about!

:-)

devise device
(devise is a verb that means something else)

Passive voice:
Phone edict and common courtesy are tossed in the gutter like they had no relevance in today's social development.
Active voice:
We toss common courtesy in the gutter like it has no relevance in today's social development processes.

Preposition use:
Our neighborhood streets have become a blur of useless activity through which we merely have to walk. ----- I don't think this sentence should be about having to walk through it. What are you really trying to say here?

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL topic: wheter or not to build a school in your hometown [6]

I am going to change this one a little more:
I was once been envied by my neighbor, a peer who is helping his father doing farm work now and not even thinking about changing his life through the pursuit of education.

Without education, itcan't be possible for me to pass the Toefl test and preparing for going abroad.

Nevertheless, contrary to the belief of many people is my heartfelt agreement with the establishment of a new school in my hometown.--- some of your sentences are very good!! You will get very good at English if you keep reading English aloud. But I will add this:

Nevertheless, contrary to the belief of many people is my heartfelt agreement with the idea of establishing a new school in my hometown.
You agree with the idea of establishing it.

Considerable advantages would come from letting our children doing the housework and farm work while we save money by not building a school, but they cannot compete with the benefits that managing to site that come from building a school. All kids in the village, and maybe other villages, will be entering the school and acquiring knowledge they need; further development of the village and the future of their kids must be taken into account.

Letters / Cover letter for engineering research assistant post [7]

Well, it sounds like you are talking about doing something extra that might distinguish you. It seems like it can't hurt to add an extra cover letter. The important thing, though, is that you must be purposeful. Don't add anothr letter just for the sake of adding another letter; ponder this process, and decide what message you want to send to the reader. Keep in mind that the people who read this must read a lot of essays. Make it a great presentation that requires 2 cover letters, and give each a distinct purpose. Let the letter supporting the ap be a letter that supports the ap, and let the cover letter express some overarching purpose you have for the work you are doing as a scholar and in your chosen field.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay (compare work of artists and scientists) [3]

Good advice, Peng!

I also think this essay needs an intro paragraph that talks about both artists and scientists. You can write:

Artists and scientists have contributed to society in different ways, but they are related to one another. An artist is a kind of scientist, and a scientist is a kind of artist. In this essay, I will discuss the value of the work of scientists and artists, and I will art is more important than science.

Then start paragraph 2, all about art:
Art provides a lot of benefits...

Also here is an error:
In conclusion, for all these reasons, I believe that my society considers more estimated art as people are to be most important, because educated people appreciate it, and they can experience art every day.

:-)

Undergraduate / University of Illinois, Psychology undergrad: Academic Interests and Prof. Goals [6]

Well, for good structure, you should be able to point to each pragraph and name its subject. When you can do that, you'll say, okay, is it good that I wrote paragraphs 1 through 6 about 1. what my mother taught me, 2. what i studied, 3. the community of Indians and how that affected studies, 4. Adolescence has good times and hard times 5. interest in psych developing and 6. this school is good.

Does that cover everything? Is your essay best used to tell the story of how your mom taught you, then you taught yourself, then adolescence was weird, then you were drawn to psych, then you chose this school? It is a reasonable way to proceed, but you should decide if anything is left out or if, for example, paragraphs 1, 2, and 3 could be combined, and expressed in a single paragraph without using so many words... and maybe the para about adolescence is not even necessary.

If you find things that you can cut, you can write more about your surprisingly vivid vision for the future.

Most importantly, don't start that conclusion para with a random sentence about the syllabus. Add a topic sentence to the beginning of that last paragraph.

The way to give all paragraphs good form is with a good topic sentence that tells the main idea right at the start of the para.

:-)

Undergraduate / Walter Percy Inspired Essay (strange objects in the Cosmos) [4]

My first thought upon reading the quote is that it sounds like a way to make fun of somebody. People have said things like this to me before, ha ha. I think your idea is fantastic... one challenge you will have will be that you need to come up with the way that the extra-terrestrial observers will think and how they will interpret the way humans live.

We are indeed a pretty strange group.

Will you be criticizing humanity at all or just talking about human potential. It is a tough one, because the explorers who discover earth must be more advanced than us if they can explore space like that.

Maybe you can keep it mysterious and not say much at all about the observers... let the reader figure out that they are beings from other parts of the galaxy, but do not "spoon feed" that info to the reader. I look forward to seeing what you write!

Undergraduate / Man Ponders Himself - Transfer admission Essay [6]

This is a good way to confuse the heck out of a reader:
One picture comes to my mind when I think of the point of life I am at and the first half of my collegiate years, from the... you just scrambled my brain. To simplify, keep the part about a picture coming to mind:

One picture comes to my mind when I think of ___________. the point of life I am at and the first half of my collegiate years, from the (replace all this with a term that consists of a few words. For example, One picture comes to my mind when I think of my important moments of inspiration. "Man Ponders Himself" is a sculpture by 16th Century anatomist and physician Andreas Vesalius, and it depicts a ...

Here is a god place to use a colon----- > I have always been fascinated by the arts and sciences and found my calling when I started studying the field that fuses these two subjects: neuroscience.

Tiresome is the way you are supposed to describe the sitting around. sitting around grew tiresome. You and your brother became restless.

You have a very engaging way of writing, I like it! Always go back and revise to see how you can say the same things in fewer words or if you can make the writing more efficient in some way.

:-)

Undergraduate / What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT(FASHION MERCHANDISE MANAGEMENT-B.A) ? [2]

During my flight to New York in winter of 2007, I was excitedly dreaming about my future as a merchandiser in the fashion industry, completing my FIT degree, and gaining some experience as a professional in the fashion industry in New York. At that time, I got ...

More than six years ago, I was already developing my career both in ...

In my future, I 'm planning to work in Korea's Fashion Industry.

There are companies which have factories in China and Southeast Asia.

They oversee the entire production with direct communication with overseas brands , as well as companies which have their own brand and advertise and distribute their merchandise domestically. ----- good sentence!! Your intelligence is easy to see in your writing. You make mistakes, just like most bilingual people, but we all make mistakes when writing. Keep practicing by reading English aloud. For example, people say "the fashion industry." I want to work in fashion industry. I want to work in the fashion industry.

Undergraduate / A stepping stone: Transfer Student for the Common Application (Emerson College) [6]

you're welcome! Now, if you have a few minutes, go help a few other people on the "Unanswered" list by giving them some ideas that come to mind when you read their essays. :-D

Undergraduate / Describe a significant choice that you had to make, discuss the consequences... [4]

Each and every one of them was grasping a water bottle in one hand while desperately struggling to fan themselves with the other hand . Sweat was a unifying factor between among us.

I had always bee n interested in the Internet and the technology, but never...

Now, well, I would say my parents would that's the perfect way to describe me.--- I'm not sure how to fix this one. I think you must have just accidentally left it this way. How about:

Now, well, my parents would say that's the perfect way to describe me.

Sharpen up this notion of a decision you had to make. Find a way to describe the decision as one that involved having to choose one option over another. I think it would be good to show this heavy decision somewhere near the end of the first paragraph, so that the reader understands how the question is being answered.

:-)

Undergraduate / Marine Biology program, University of NC at Wilmington essay admissions question [2]


When someone is really inspired about something, their ideas have a kind of freshness and a compelling quality that people can only describe in a poetic way, such as "it jumps of the page."

But what does that really mean? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I guess excellent writing is in the eye of the reader. But we can't help feeling impressed, no matter who we are, when we see an essay that expresses a clear plan... something somebody is really trying to do.

Your essay shows that you, like many students, are interested in marine biology. You can distinguish yourself by showing that you are different from the others. Use 3 paragraphs for this instead of writing it all in one long paragraph, and at the end of the first paragraph give a sentence that you would write if you were only allowed to write one sentence for this whole essay. What would that sentence be? Whatever it is, it will become the theme for your essay if you put it at the end of the first paragraph.

In paragraph 2 it would be great to write about books and articles you you have read (written by marine biologists) and also some professors at this school with whom you'd like to study. Write paragraph 2 all about the resources you will use at this school and the goals you have for the future.

Do not waste any sentences stating simplistic, obvious things like this:
Getting a B.S. in Marine Biology there would provide a strong foundation for a successful graduate degree.---- too obvious. Use all your paragraphs to express your plan for using th resources at this school.

By the way, you could help a lot of people in this forum; your writing is better than you think! :-) please spend a few minutes helping other people with their essays on the "Unanswered" list... especially people struggling to learn the English language.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Green Change - "cause and effect" essay [3]


What a powerful line this is! When people deeply understand the cultural turbulence that takes place, they really are affected by reading a line like this. How fascinating it is to read the musings of someone who experienced this culture clash as a young scholar...

Wow, this is all so good. I am impressed...

One improvement you can make is to fix this: twitting Twittering
I think the correct word is tweeting, but you should use "Twittering."

Undergraduate / "Something not relevant from academic record" - Adelphi Essay [6]

Jen did a great job with cleaning up the errors, and I'd like to work with that intro paragraph:

When I was growing up, having the highest grades in classes, exams, and being the

best in everything I did, was all I cared about. (simplify for power)

use a dash:
I was raised by Asian parents who had high expectations and standards for me -- the usual stereotype for Asians, "being the best in everything", most importantly, our grades. Every low grade was frowned upon and having a high grade was rewarded with a treat. This sentence is weak and boring.

As I grew up, kill the weak phrases like this one

I have found something that I value more than my grades and the rewards I've gotten on occasion:

the gift of singing and writing lyrics. Music is a whole lot different than from

achieving the high standards set for me in school; it's something I feel great

about, expressing feelings and letting go of everything, being free from your

world.-------- beautifully written! The way you write about music is like music.

:-)

Undergraduate / "being a fashion magazine editor" - FIT essay [4]

I want to work with this first sentence to make it stronger:

For more than two decades, the majority of the women of the Tong family have worked through long hours and late nights for low pay and in rough conditions.

That sentence needed some words trimmed away.

From that moment on, I knew I was falling in love with the art that is inherent in clothing, I fell in love with the extra enhancements, the more-than-just-ordinary look.---- this hyphenated term you invented is very good!!!

Research Papers / Death Penalty Research paper (it should be banned) [10]


This part weakens the whole thing, because it makes it seem like you are going to be giving a definition essay. When you argue against capital punishment, don't stop to define it. Make your argument.

You seem to be talking about 2 different things. The history of it, and the appropriateness of it.

I think you are going to have to give your history of the death penalty as a presentation showing why it should be banned, if that is your argument.

I think you should search your school's library database for articles with the keywords:
"capital punishment" moral
or
"capital punishment" ethical

Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

Our philosophical debates fed my passion to discover my true beliefs and her contagious love of the material excited her to always help and answer my many questions - an environment in which I thrive.----- this includes a lot of things that you say, but I think you could do better if you said one thing that is really meaningful:

Our philosophical debates fed my passion to discover my true beliefs and her fascination with the subject was contagious: I found myself asking many questions and becoming increasingly....

In the progressive and free-thinking environment I dream of, the intelligent and open minded Carls smile whether they're debating free will, snuggling with cocoa in a snow storm, or studying sleeplessly during finals, nourishing me with a warm college environment conducive to my learning and growth.---- with this, you have a good idea, but you need to name it something. It sounds like you are talking about an "intellectual smile" or a "scholarly smile."

:-)

Undergraduate / admission essay on academic interests AND extracurricular activity [2]

Yes! The thing to do is express your ideas differently for each school. Enjoy the process of expressing your ideas and aspirations. Each school will challenge you with different essay prompts and you should stay focused on your vision for your future. Take time to enjoy the process of changing the essay for each school.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Do you like to eat at home or hotel? [6]

I am very fond of eating various types of cuisine.

As in my home, my parents taught me to eat food which is prepared at home. But I like to eat my food in hotel as well as in home. ---- This sentence seems to express that you like home-cooked meals and also meals sered at hotels.

In my home, my parents taught me to eat food which is prepared _______________ (tell something about how the food is prepared in your household)

Below, I'll change it to "in the hotel" and "at home"
But I like to eat my food in the hotel as well as at home.

I love trying various low calorie recipes. With that I can ...

Very good, keep practicing!

Undergraduate / Rice Transfer Supplement - What perspective can you contribute? [6]

It's a bold claim you make at the start... that you now understand human emotions.

Maybe solution is the wrong word, because you have not presented a problem. Can you think of a word other than solution?

They are asking you what you will contribute, and you are telling them a story. I think that, at some point in the story, maybe near the end, you should come right out and give a sentence about hat you will contribute. You must have a lot of perspective and enthusiasm to contribute.

The sight silhouette of my parents slowly disappeared as I neared the ...

Scholarship / Linda Lorelle Scholarship Fund. [3]


Good, well you do seem to know what to write next, because this small hurdle REPRESENTS something. It is a symbol for the overcoming of a cultural barrier.

The first time I realized that what I learned in my native country was different from what I would learn in my new home was when I was asked what punctuation would you end a declarative sentence with. In India, the call the dot "a full stop" whereas here, they call it a "period". I wasn't aware of...

Be bold!
In the near future, I intend to pursue an education in medicine. I'm not quite sure what I want to specialize in quite yet, but one of the fields I'm most interested in is Oncology, because ____________....

:-)

Graduate / Essay on a topic "Influences that have shaped who you are today" [6]

That first sentence is too complicated. You should start with something powerful. Complexity is not powerful; it's spread-thin.
In my mind o One of my most distinctive characteristics that I have received because of the influence of the environment that I am living in is the diversity of experiences I possess.

Is this really what you are trying to say, though? You should say:
I possess a diversity of experiences, so I owe a debt of gratitude to the people who molded my environment...

I strongly believe that although some cannot be related directly, all these qualities will influence my graduate work and studies on a MBA Program of University of Victoria.---- This does not say anything very clearly. It would be great if you could proclaim a mission you are on, a real plan for the next few years, and describe what you have in mind.

The fact that I was able to independently perform the task that was assigned to me has heightened my confidence in myself.

Undergraduate / 'Encyclopedia books' - UIUC tranfer (Academic interests/professional goal) [4]

Encyclopedia books account for one type. I spent large amount of time reading them when I was young. The other kinds are articles and dissertations on network communications; unfortunately they are out of my level of understanding. Those books served my father while completing his doctoral degree. (add one more sentence here to make the point you want to make with this paragraph)

My academic goals include majoring in computer science and selecting economics as my minor.

Like encyclopedia books, economics is a science that covers variety of fields.---- very good sentence!!!

Throughout my widespread interests, technology is the part I paid most attentions to. Updates in the field of technology happen rapidly, especially in the area of computer technology. I was born and raised in China, where new technologies and new businesses were being introduced to China every day, computer software companies in particular. Not many of them can survive in ...

Very impressive!!

Undergraduate / "the communist reality" - University of Texas: Statement of Purpose [4]

This is SO interesting and well-written! Thanks for sharing the story of your family. It really is impressive that you have had these experiences; you are truly a 21st century scholar. I am afraid, though, that you did not do enough to answer the prompt: How do these experiences "relate to your academic discipline," and what can you say about your purpose, your plan, your intentions?

I know this is an opportunity to add something extra to the application... but I think you should link all this to your PURPOSE, your plan.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay-Mommy Makeovers, Newest Trend in Cosmetic Surgery-Feedback Welcome! [4]

Questions are good attention grabbers, for sure. They are almost a little cliche, though, because of how overused rhetorical questions are in commercials and other presentations.

Still, your ideas are great!!

Essays / three substantive analyses of the "poet's intent" - my literature essay [5]

Well, your intro is all about your reading/writing of the thing, which is not interesting. The first sentence tells something about what you read, but instead it should tell something about what you discovered. You can write these introductory lines about a fascinating concept that emerged as you studied these reviews. What did you notice?

:-)

Undergraduate / "the ability to lead" - My statement of purpose for UT [7]

The experience of leading ranges from organizing fund raising for my community problem solving team to encouraging my elementary school PALees to always push for the best. ---- I guess it is a good idea to explain PALees a little. You should take this sentence and move it out of the first paragraph. Move it to paragraph 2, and let paragraph 2 be all about these experiences. That will add some substantial ideas/examples to back up your claims about leadership.

I look forward to the next draft!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay on describing MY REGULAR WALK [7]

Well, it is a simple subject. If I write about walking around a building, or eating a slice of cake, it will seem simple. However, it can also serve as the background for some deep philosophical reflection. I like the way you used this as an opportunity to talk about how you contemplate what life will be like as a girl or whether your parents love you. That makes the essay fascinating.

So, it can be about a walk around the builing and also be about something else -- something very INTROSPECTIVE.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Modern buildings are appearing in large numbers, we should build our buildings in traditional styles [5]

In the present age, along with as more and more buildings are constructed, a hot debate

However, we cannot reverse the trend (...) because ofindividuals' interests; (...) try to substitute for it with the traditional one ...
Just turn to the development history of architecture; we will get the answer about why we cannot insist on traditional style quickly.

Nice job! Keep practicing, because your English still has errors.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Personal Story - The Child Hood [4]

Theres a kid who is around 14 years of age, attending high school and being teased and bullied by people in the school. He began cutting class and being absent from school, and he said, "I don't like going to school anymore." He was isolating himself in his room and playing video games every day and every night.

He is a completely different person now, compared to the person he was in middle school.

His high school is like 76% of black people. Crazy isnt it??? When he walks at the street after school by himself. The black people come up to him and ask him for the money and punch his face. ------ this makes it sound like you are prejudiced against black people. That does not make a good impression. You can say people punched your face, or you can say you were the only Asian person, but don't describe black people as though they alway punch people in the face! :-)

keep practicing! :-)

Undergraduate / Ut Austin Essay B (Poverty and Education) [10]

After some cognitive deliberation I have come to the assumption conclusion that the current system of World Aid is in need of a serious overhaul. The organizations that distribute aid need to be more transparent with about how they are

The world functions in a way that is very similar to the way any sports team functions: when the weakest link is strengthened, the rest of the team can attempt to improve.

I feel certain that if the citizens of wealthy nations give more of their hard-earned money and use it effectively we can overcome the gap that has abridged divided the rich and poor for so long.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay- How the children from India transformed me [3]


This is how you end the first paragraph, so it sort of establishes these ideas as the theme of the essay. I wonder if you coud nstead end the irst para with a sentence that expresses the main idea of the whole essay.

I cannot exactly say that I used to be an ungrateful teenager before that experience, but I do have to admit, I was. -------- this part does not seem to make sense. You claim not to be able to say it, but then you say it. Sorry if I am missing something...

I thought I signed up to teach children sitting in neat little rows like those in the photo shown on the website, not these rascals!---- this is a great sentence, very impressive! I don't think you have paragraphs out of place. The thing that might improve your confidence is to practice giving topic sentences that tell the main idea of the paragraph and then use the rest of the sentences in each paragraph to help explain the idea from the topic sentence.

:-)