Scholarship / career as a Pharmacist, scholarship Essay [8]

One of the motivating factors in choosing a pharmacy career occurred when I was a waiter at a senior citizen home. ---- a factor does not occur. It just hovers around being a factor that influences stuff. So write:

One of the experiences that motivated me to choose a pharmacy career occurred when I was a waiter at a senior citizen home.

I should receive this scholarship, because I feel it would be an investment in a person who wants to achieve something more than himself personal success. By this I mean becoming I want to be a source of peace and guidance for many people.

I like your confident approach! You have confidence that comes from knowing your intentions are pure and good.

:-)

Undergraduate / Allegheny College "Why?" essay. [6]

Attracted the big yellow word "unusual," my fingers I grip the side of the paper and people in wonder about how Allegheny students go about pursuing unusual combinations of interests. work with their unique compliment and whether my multiple labels are going to be fit in Allegheny or not. this sentence was really complex! I think simplifying it was necessary! You were trying to make a nice transition, but you ended up turning this sentence into a monster. :-)

Transition by adjusting the intro of the next para:
Pictures of students. Still staring at the photograph, I like the fact the smiling faces...

:-)

Undergraduate / As I journey through life I often asked myself, "What is my life purpose? Essay for Peace Corps [7]

This is a place to use a dash instead of letting one of the sentences be incomplete:
anything back in return -- even though he knows he may never see that rich man ever again.

"Ambition to Meaning" --- this sounds like a concept by Frankl from his book about logotherapy. He writes about a "will to meaning" similar to Nietzche's "will to power."

This is an impressive essay, and it is really nice that you are so focused on service. Thanks for making the world a better place! Your writing style does not have many errors, but in some places you don't need to use so many words. For example:

For example, sometime ago I had found online a video called, one video clip within Dr. Wayne Dyer's "Ambition to Meaning," was about a homeless man who...

I believe that f Fulfilling the criteria of the Peace Corps Core Expectations will not be a problem for me because of my life experiences.

I believe that m My life has been blessed in so many ways, and now I would like to give back as much as I can while I still can. am able to do so.

:-)

Undergraduate / tufts second optional essay: house of cards [4]

I had begun to sweat profusely when I realized that this was the last question. --- just an idea, not necessarily better.

use a comma:
"I have to win this," I thought to myself.
you can use italics, too:
I have to win this, I thought to myself.

"I had failed" I thought to myself.
"I failed," I thought to myself.

This is very thoughtful and nice. If you give it an introduction paragraph that explains that the essay will be about an insight that came from contemplating a house of cards after a disappointing experience, the rest o the essay will be easier for the reader to understand.

Use a comma for the compound sentence:
My house had been completed, and all my dreams had been achieved.

:-)

Book Reports / Oedipus Essay- English Class (symbols of blindness and sight examples) [2]

Google this: oedipus symbols blindness sight ignorance knowledge

also: oedipus analysis blindness sight ignorance knowledge

If you do that, you will get to see what a lot of other scholars have observed about the symbolism. You will find descriptions of the symbolic meanings, and it will give you great ideas. You can also pause and imagine that the symbols represent something in your own life, and by reflecting on what they might symbolize in your life you can deeply understand the meaning in your own unique way.

If you read what people have written about blindness, ignorance, knowledge, and so forth in this play, I know you will be able to explain it in an essay!

Let's see a paragraph or two...

:-)

Graduate / SOP Corporate law LLM -India [6]

I think you are asking for advice about expressing that you want to study abroad and then return to India in order to contribute to society.

Well, what corporations might you work for in order to make a difference in India? Maybe you could work in the public sector and represent the government somehow? If you are practicing law and influencing outcomes, you will either make a good impact or a bad one, depending on your principles and your philosophy. You need to decide how you are going to help improve people's lives in India if you want that to be your focus. How can a corporate lawyer improve people's lives in India?

If you answer that question, it might be a good way to start! I hope this is helpful; corporate law is something I do not know much about.

Research Papers / The insurgency of the EZLN (IB History Internal Assessment) [3]

...explain the similarities between the uprisings of the Zapatista Liberation Army of the South in the 1910s and those of the Zapatista Army of National Liberation in Chiapas in 1994, and to discuss why the recent latter movement is showing more success. ---- here are some ideas for improving the clarity of that intro.

Just as you begin that summary of evidence section, it would be nice if you reiterate what assertion you are giving evidence for. A good topic sentence can sharpen and clarify the focus of the paper so that the whole thing rings more clearly to the reader.

All of this is so good! Susan is right, you are going to have to cut some good material. I like her idea of keeping the essence of the cut material by mentioning it in passing in other paragraphs.

Graduate / Computer science, SOP, MS in Software Engineering [4]

In this essay, it is god to talk about "the computer." For example,
Now imagining a world without the computer is really hard.

The versatility and quick response of the computer has fascinated me ever since...

Specialized areas in Data Structures, System Analysis and Design, Software engineering, Computer Networks and Databases have been my strengths. (Right after this sentence, add a THESIS STATEMENT that tells the reader the main theme for the whole essay. Make it a sentence that expresses the message of the essay.

Subsequent to that I would like to pursue ---- you already used "subsequent" earlier. I think it is too much to use that word twice in the essay.

I came to know about XYZ's MS program from through one of my friends, and I am overwhelmed with the emphasis placed on technical and research methodology.

Impressive skills! This reflects seriousness. I think you'll be well-received!

Writing Feedback / Thomas (Tommy) Clement Douglas Essay Gr.10 [8]

Well, the essay is your contribution to the site, so that people can find examples of good writing and also see how mistakes are corrected. That's why you are supposed to use your real name when you create a membership; using your real name establishes who the essay belongs to, because your name and the date appear in the posts. You can remove essays after you post them, but then instead of contributing the essay you contribute some money! :-)

Writing Feedback / Narrative essay about an experience that has changed the way I lean [3]


Good sentence!!
Actually, see which one you like more... that way, or this:
As I shyly made my way down the aisle, careful not to make eye contact with any of the other students, and searched for an open seat.

...happened to be the day that we moved into our new house. That wasn't home to me. Not yet, at least.

I later realized that my embarrassment could have been avoided had I just kept my composure despite the uneasiness I was feeling. ----- very good!! This is a great story, and I benefited from reading it. I was wondering how it would becme meaningful, and you really did a good job of explaining its significance.

I think it is good if you put those last two paragraphs together as one.

Undergraduate / Academic Elements, Personal Elements - UW Personal statement. [2]

...have just finished my military service so I have not studied for a while -- and I also have not been practicing the English language. ------ here is an idea I had for fixing this sentence.

Well, I see what the adviser is saying. If you read that 1st paragraph and pretend you don't know the person who wrote it, you will find that it is a common situation -- nothing interesting. You are one of a million people struggling against language barriers, so the reader i not interested. It is too bad it is not interesting, because it must be deeply meaningful for you!

So anyway, I suggest coming up with a THEME for that first paragraph, and then continue that theme in the rest of the essay. Replace the boring first sentence with a first sentence that establishes a theme, an "extra" idea that the essay represents. Your theme might be "proactive effort" or "living in an artful way." Change your intro sentence so that it expresses an interesting personal motto or theme.

:-)

Undergraduate / "So what do you plan on doing now?" -Common Application Transfer Essay [10]

Following the demise of our Web-based electronics liquidation business, Steve and I each went our separate ways -- both of us apprehensive about what the future may hold.--- I replaced the semi-colon with a dash. Dashes work like commas, and semi-colons work like periods. In this case, the dash is best.

use a hyphen:
well-known

note: should one ever find oneself in Beirut, it is NOT a good idea to get inebriated and go to the nearest Sunni Arab neighborhood publicly disparaging Saddam in Arabic---- wow, that is wicked funny...

funny, but I guess not the best thing to do, strategically. Someone who writes so well is often compelled to "keep it real," and really write from the heart, but it is good to be strategic, too. I get half way through this and find myself familiar with and interested in your process of resisting conformity, making tough decisions, and so forth, but I'm still wondering your reason for transfer, which is supposed to be the subject of the essay.

Being unemployed and out of school, my very existence seemed superfluous. --- you get the best-sentence-of-the-week award.

Lest I begin to turn this paragraph of my essay into a sob story (which I have been told admission committees frown upon), I will move on to the the conclusion.--- this is great, too.. I like it. I hope the reader can appreciate this sort of thing. I bet she/he will.

Still, though, I think the "reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve" should include more nuts and bolts, more specifics about the plan fr the next, say, five years. Can you make room for more discussion of your well-envisioned plan?

Writing Feedback / Smoking at public place should be banned. Argumental essay for IELTS GT [8]

The question of whether smo king at public place should be banned is a frequent topic of discussion. There should have a freedom for smokers; whether someone will smoke or not as well as where he will smoke are choices that should be his to make.

Secondly, to some it works as companion, making him forget loneliness as well. Sometimes it helps in increasing attention in solving critical problems. Many people, especially youngsters, love to smoke at the time of gossiping, watching movie, or waiting for someone.

Passive effect of smoking Second-hand smoke is also another subject to count. Medical research shows that a non-smoking person ...

Then people may alternatives, something than cigarettes, and as a result at least passive smokers would get relief from breathing nicotine-filled air in public places.

This is very good, but at the end of the first paragraph you should state your opinion that smoking in public should be banned. Right now you are ending the first paragraph with a sentence that says you think the smoker should get to decide where to smoke, and that is not what you are arguing. You are arguing that the smoker should not get to choose, and that it should be banned in public.

:-)

Undergraduate / APPAREL INDUSTRIAL ENGINEER [3]

AS AN INDUSTRIAL ENGINEER , I HAVE START PRACTICING FROM BASIC WORK STUDY TO LEAN MANUFACTURING SYSTEMS IN MY CAREER.--- I think it is supposed to be written like this:

As an industrial engineer, I have started practicing basic skills during work study, and I have learned manufacturing systems.

I am not sure if that is what you meant to write, or if I interpreted it wrong.

Here is another correction:
WHEN AN ENGINEER IS HAS EXPERIENCE IN THE APPAREL SECTOR, WHY IS THIS EXPERIENCE NOT RECOGNIZED IN OTHER MANUFACTURING SECTORS? WHEN APPLICANTS HAVE EXPERIENCE IN THE APPAREL SECTOR, IT IS WISE TO HIRE THEM.

But don't write in all capital letters! :-)

Is this for a personal statement?

Undergraduate / Allegheny College "Why?" essay. [6]


This sentence should be rewritten, I think. Actually, just make it a short sentence!----> I just don't like to be put in a box.

You don't need that extra part. It's confusing, anyway.

This looks like two sentences meshed together: I like their smiling faces portrayed in those pictures seem very happy and real. Maybe it should be like this:

I like the fact that the smiling faces portrayed in those pictures seem very happy and real.

Alright, the stream of consciousness stuff has to end right at the beginning of paragraph 2. That is my idea, not necessarily the best idea, but... it is what I think. It is necessary to balance the (very high quality, impressive) reflection in the intro with some real substance in the body of the essay. You got really abstract in that intro para, so balance it with a very concrete explanation of your clear intentions for the future, your clear plan.

Oh, I see that you do indeed cover your plan, interests, and so forth! But near the middle of the essay I started feeling like it was going to lack substance.

Your first para ends with this:
fingers grip the side of the paper to figure out what and unusual combinations in Allegheny.

I think that should be rewritten. Replace it with a sentence that presents your specific combination of interests. For example, I might be a psychology major specializing in cognitive and behavioral therapy, and this combines with my interest in music to make me particularly well-suited to work with children as a music therapist.

Make sure you really show that you understand their prompt, their challenge to express your personal alchemy of interests, which might include... three major interests. I think you should consider naming those three interests at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]


Yes, I see what you are saying. That's why I called the critic an objective observer. Some of us are very encouraging, and others are harsh in their criticism. Recently, I called Mustafa the "Simon Kowel of EssayForum," because he is so poignant in his criticism. Even though I don't like to give criticism that stings, I know it is an important aspect of life.

Also, in a web forum you will get a lot of criticism that is not very accurate! So... these are good things to think about when accepting criticism.


I can't say I disagree with you! As you can imagine, I have had lots of opportunities for reflection while moderating this site. What are we supposed to say about one another's art? It is hopelessly reductionist.

Reduction is the issue you are seeing! In order to teach "good composition," I need to reduce the art. This is important when trying to succeed in English class and also when trying to write well for an admissions essay. When we conform to the norms of "good composition" as it is taught in school, we cannot help reducing the art and being irreverent toward the student's absolute value, the sacredness of words that reflect the experience.

So, I really do agree with you. And in addition to the obvious reduction that occurs when we teach "good" composition, it is also true that my advice reflects my own habits and narrow view. So, you win on both counts! :-D

In my own defense, though, what I look for are "teachable moments" ... opportunities to get the kid to understand some concept relevant to the essay. It just happens to be the case that many students are at the point of needing advice about thesis statements!

And about structure... I really like what you said about "fear that expression will be constrained!" good thought! But then notice how writing a haiku presents a unique experience of self expression. ALSO notice that expression is constrained as soon as you codify it into language! So, now maybe is a teachable moment for you:

You should give structure a try! When I read your long posts, it takes a long time to figure out what the theme is! And because of the inherent problems in codification and interpretation, what I read is not the same as what you write. Therefore, try constraining expression enough to make it so that an essay is about one big idea. One essay = one meaningful idea

... and try this formula for each essay:
Intro: Say it
Body: Explain it
Conclusion: Say it again

Expression must be constrained in order to be strategic about the experience we want to create for the reader.

Book Reports / Essays on either Pride & Prejudice or Much Ado about Nothing [5]


Hey, this is a problem. I'm diagnosing your problem, ha ha. You can't just start writing and hope to generate good points. You need to know what you are going to say before you say it.

So... if you knew these stories as well as something in real life, you would have an opinion about it. So, I think you should google like this: Much ado about nothing eavesdropping analysis

...and you will see all kinds of great discussions. Then, you can open the book back up and deeply understand it. When you have a lot to say about why Shakespeare included eavesdropping in the places where he included it... write a sentence about it!

Let that be a topic sentence that starts a paragraph. Follow it up with an example. Discuss it some more and conclude the paragraph by reflecting on that main idea from the topic sentence. One paragraph = one idea.

Soon, you'll be on a roll...

Writing Feedback / Taking vacation is one of the most important needs of each student. [4]

Taking a vacation is one of the most important needs of each student. Taking one long vacation each year has more benefits for the student rather than taking several short vacations throughout the year.

First of all, a long vacation allows students to relax more. They can go on ...

There are not many employers who accept to hire people for a short time. --- good point!!!

And even so , students can not learn as much in a short period of time as they can in a long period of working.

I think that, even on several short vacations, students can waste their time watching television or sleeping all day, because they do not have much time to do some important things, such as working. Students also can learn a new language or read books. Whether it is a short or long vacation does not matter. The ...

Very nice job! I'll tell you the truth. When I started reading, I disagreed with you. I thought to myself, "Several short vacations are better, because it is more balanced that way -- more natural." But by the time I finished reading, you had convinced me! You are right about all these great points you make.

Graduate / PHD SOP for Criminal Justice/Administration of Justice [3]

No using "whereby," no using "as such"... You write really well, so we can take it to the next level by applying the psychology of this sort of thing. I don't know how to explain why whereby and "as such" are not good... but I bet you can intuit what I mean.

This decision to seek a PHD began as interesting one no need to tell the reader it was interesting. Decide what experience you want the reader to start with, and write the sentence with purpose... , whereby, I found myself torn between the merits of law school and doctorial ---- I think you should not capitalize these... but opinions differ about this sort of thing.

work; while (no comma necessary here) both would undoubtedly have a lasting impact on my life I feel a PHD in Administration of Justice would allow enable me to make the biggest impact on the Criminal Justice system and society . --- this is very vague. The thing to do is try and stun the reader a little at the beginning and get them to really take interest. The main idea of your first paragraph has to do with the decision between doctoral work and law, but I don't think that is the best way to start.

The best way to start is with a paragraph that... well... as I look at that next paragraph, I see that your experiences are super-impressive. I recommend starting with an intro paragraph that states your intention in a clear way, tells the reader what ideas will be included in the essay, and ends with a thesis sentence that captures the main theme of the whole essay.

Good luck! And thanks for all your service to us Americans!

Writing Feedback / "Good night daddy, I love you too" - Historical Narritive Essay [2]

Use commas whenever you have 2 or more adjectives in a row:
make a gentle arc into the flat, blue sky.

Nice job! Wow, holy moly this is good writing.

Well, you have some stuff that is not technically correct, but your writing is definitely good enough to justify use of poetic license. For example:

I couldn't forget her, didn't want to forget her, but the hurt and anger slowly melted away. Like ice in the springtime. -- neither of these sentences is grammatically correct, but I would not change a thing about them! They are excellent.

And all that was left behind where were the beautiful, precious memories of our lifetime times together.

also, would get rid of this one:

like I see on them? Oh God, please, please. Through the door (no comma necessary here) came a man in military uniform; his stiff demeanor did nothing to soothe me. --- use a semi-colon when you have 2 sentences that are closely related like these are.

Writing Feedback / Foster Care definition essay - grammatical assistance requested. [4]

Marco, you are great! That was nice of you to go through the whole thing.

Yeah, Sarah, you use to many commas. :-) Now that you are thinking about this, please make time to check out Strunk and White's Elements of Style next time you are at a book store... it is great to get confident about commas. :-)

QUICK LESSON ABOUT COMMAS:
Foster care, is the temporary placement, of a child outside of the home of the natural parents.----- these commas are not necessary. You only need commas when you pause in the middle of a sentence to add something extra, like this:

Foster care, an important part of society's effort to help children, is the temporary placement of a child outside of the home of the natural parents.

And you can even do it with dashes:
Foster care -- an important part of society's effort to help children -- is the temporary placement of a child outside of the home of the natural parents.

QUICK LESSON ABOUT SEMI-COLONS:
It has also been found that the younger the child is when they are removed; the harder time they will have adjusting to the foster family and with their own family once reunited. ----- this use of a semi-colon is not correct. A semi-colon is supposed to work just like a period, which separates complete sentences from one another, and semi-colons are special because they are used instead of periods when sentences are closely related.

This is the correct way:
It has also been found that the younger the child is when they are removed the harder time they will have adjusting to the foster family and with their own family once reunited.-- no comma is necessary even though it seems like one is! It is because that phrase in the middle of the sentence is important for expressing the idea of the sentence. When the phrase in the middle of the sentence is important for expressing the idea of the sentence no comma is really necessary.

FINAL THOUGHT ABOUT COMMAS:
They are about your personal style! Sometimes, when you read a novel by that person who wrote ceremony... um... Leslie Silko! You will notice that she does not use commas all the time when she is supposed to. This is an important part of her style and the reason why writing, though a kind of "craft," is also an art.

Undergraduate / "Highlighting the strengths and weaknesses" Commonapp essay..What do you think? [6]


I see what Simrath is saying. I agree that it is not good to talk about having lived an effortless life, because a reader who has struggled might resent you! But I did not really see it in a negative way. Many teenagers have lived quite an effortless life, and the fact that you know you have not worked as hard as you are about to work in college is good introspection.

I do not think it is bad when you talk about seeing things simply, because you are talking about honesty.

Here is an error, a wrong use of a semi-colon. This is a place where you need to put a dependent clause between commas:
"Hey you stole my line! Well all I am left to say is that, since Upala will be alone in a foreign land, s he will need me to get through each day."

This is excellent, in general! That is what I think. However, unless you were supposed to put it in the form of a script like this, it is a "high risk" essay. That means some readers will be put off by it and other readers will love it.

Most importantly, keep your spirits up, because your life amounts to more than just this particular application. And you write very, very well!

Essays / Homeschooling My daughter Vs. Public School----example essay. [5]

I thought of another counterargument you can refute! Public school is a tremendous resource paid for with tax money, and it is right there waiting for the student. If you want to homeschool the child, you can do it after 2pm when she comes home from public school. That way, she gets the best of both resources, you and the school.

If you name some counterarguments and then give examples to refute them, that is how to make a very strong essay.


An "example essay" is an essay that includes examples. An argumentative essay can be an example essay, and a descriptive essay can be an example essay, and a persuasive essay can be an example essay. Actually, very few types of essays are not example essays, because most of the time you need to include examples of what you are saying.

So, the term "example essay" is a lot like the term "expository essay." There are lots of types of example essays, and there are lots of types of expository essays. In this case, you are making an argument in favor of homeschooling for some students whose parents decide that they are better off not attending high school with the other kids, so your essay is an "argumentative example essay."

Undergraduate / 'Going through surgery' - EXPERIENCE THAT HAS AFFECTED YOUR GOALS---SU [5]


Yes, good call, A. Smith! I agree that the sentence was a little awkward. "Any and everything" does not quite work. Anything and everything is something people do often say, but it's cliched. I like your way, which is direct and simple. Simple is powerful.

Undergraduate / The apocalypse, or judgment day - Help For essay sample Northwest University [9]

Okay the only problem with it, in relation to the instructions, is that you are not clear enough about identifying the real story or folk lore. Are you talking about the biblical prediction of Judgment Day or the scientific prediction that our world, and even our sun, will end? Whatever it is, introduce it in the intro and make your claim (thesis statement).

Then, give supporting arguments in the body paragraph. Remember that the first sentence of the paragraph should give its main idea.

Then, in the conclusion, make your assertion again and discuss its implications.

You are off to a great start. Stay mindful of what, exactly, you are encouraging people to do.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Opinion on famous people's personal news, their hobbies in the media - IELTS [2]

In open market economy, all businessmen want to make money selling items that are in demand - regardless of what these items are.

But due to the money-making perspective of publishers, much important news does not get proper coverage.

You do not make many mistakes at all. You write very well in English. I think it will be better, though, if you make a big conclusion paragraph where you give a lot of your thoughts. Make it a big, reflective conclusion.

:-)

Poetry / "Mirrored behaviors.", English 12 Essay Comparing Two Poems (for BC, Canada) [5]

I like it! I have not gone deep enough in studying these poems to know how accurate it is, but it is well-written and eloquent... and it is very clear and intriguing.

Undergraduate / University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay [7]

Well, it tries to say too much all at once. The experience is extensive, and it started as a ___ something. But the thing is, this sentence does not help. It is not necessary here to tell the reader what kind of experience started your volunteer experience. Instead, tel the reader anything you want her to know as she begins to read this essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why I love psychology -Cornell supp [7]

What's wrong with a reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide? It's great.
This whole thing is great. I'm glad I read this today; it really is a great experience to read this.

I like a lot about it, for example, "I like thinking, and I like the thought that..."

I don't see any other errors, but I agree about the love affair comment in the beginning... if nothing else, it is cliched.

One thing I would do differently is discuss my particular approach to psychology after doing this reading I have done. Would it be cognitive, existential, psychoanalytic? A combination?

Anyway, you write really well...

Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]


But what about the capable critic who cannot recognize your intentions and helps by saying so? Criticism does not always require understanding. Sometimes the critic helps by showing where the stuff is difficult to understand.

Emphasizing less the slips, as a skill-in-building, and encouraging the evolution.

The critic is the navigator objective observer of the vehicles trajectory. The writer is the navigator. The pilot is the random stream of consciousness spouting forth from an explosive reaction of the writer's intention tossed into a pool of the brain's associations with current environmental stimuli.

exposed, vulnerable, trusting----- this is an excellent reminder of the state of mind for the person whose work is being criticized. Good call, Rajiv! That is an important thought as we continue to correct a lot of essays...


And here is another excellent point. Well, I know what you mean. If you want to really write well, read Stephen King's book On Writing: Memoirs of the Craft.

About making the point in both the thesis and the conclusion, think of it this way:
Thesis statement at the end of the first para is your assertion.
Body paragraphs explain, give evidence, and refute the counter arguments.
The conclusion paragraph is no longer the same assertion as the one you made in the intro. It has become a well-established idea because of the way your essay backed it up. Now you are free to write a big fat conclusion para that considers the implications of the idea you just presented and maybe even "add something extra", an extra thought for the reader to take away.

Undergraduate / How do you think Fitchburg Sate will help you succeed? (computer studies) [3]

I can only overcome achieve that goal with a college degree. That's where Fitchburg State comes in.

Sounds like you are on the right track. I wonder if you have looked into UMass Amherst, though... tuition must be comparable, and it is SO big and full of activity! Just a thought...

From middle school (no comma necessary here) to my senior year in high school, my average grade in any computer class has been approximately a B+. I know the basics of Microsoft Excel, Word, PowerPoint, Inspiration, and Publisher. I love computers so much; I saved up money for about 5 months and bought my own laptop. It wasn't easy doing it, I was eager to buy other items. ---- uh-oh, it looks like you are starting to write a lot of unrelated sentences in a single paragraph.

Remember, one paragraph = one main idea
The idea should be expressed in the topic sentence and elaborated in the rest of the paragraph.

:-)

Scholarship / career as a Pharmacist, scholarship Essay [8]

Are you allowed to write more in that first part? You can get more specific. If you want to nurse the world to health, why not be a nurse? You should write about what kind of pharmacist you want to be and what kind of work you want to do (i.e. research?).

In times where In times when

Mustafa is the Simon Kowel of EssayForum!!

One of the motivating factors that influenced me to choose a pharmacy career occurred when I was a waiter at a senior citizen home.

After a day of hard work ... about his life experiences and soon his health problems. nice job, tis is good writing!

You wrote this beautifully. I really believe you have good intentions to help elderly people.

Moments like power my desire to pursue a career in Pharmacy.

Still, though, I don't know why it has to be pharmacy. Your interest in helping could be satisfied in any health profession. Why pharmacy?

You should be very confident!

Writing Feedback / Why Life Insurance important? - It has many benefits [6]

Why is life insurance important? Life insurance is definitely an important factor in one's life.

With this bad economy, many of my uncles and mother are having to struggle to make ends meet. My grandmother got cremated and...

Well, I am still not convinced that this "death" rumor has any truth to it. I don't seem to be aging at all! :-)

One counter-argument you might write about in order to make the essay stronger would be to compare insurance to an alternative: a special savings account. If you compare insurance to this alternative and show that it is better, your argument will be stronger.

Essays / Agricultural Subsidies: Persuasive essay topic? [5]

Rachel, you are great! I'm glad you helped, because this is not a strong subject for me. Please check out the EF_Contributor page!

My solution for a problem like this is always to find excellent sources. You activate different parts o your brain when you search databases for articles than when you try to write, so gather up 10 articles right now, before you write anything.

Then, start reading one article after another, and always be ready to write a paragraph about important ideas you encounter.

The articles are the raw material that you transform into your paper!!
:-)

Undergraduate / Purpose of studying Korean and future plans? [2]

Yes, it's because you don't have an idea for the essay yet. When essays are assigned in school, and teachers teach the "right" way to do composition, it makes students forget that an essay is an art form. You are thinking about what is a "good" or "bad" way, when what you actually have to think of is a theme, something meaningful.

What is your theme? The theme for your life? If a Creator is animating you so that your life takes on symbolic significance, what does your life symbolize?

Just think about those questions; don't actually write about that abstract stuff...haahah.

But while you are thinking about the symbolic meaning of your work as a language person, specifically Korean, you will think of the significance your life can have. What is that significance? The big process going on in the world right now is globalization, so I would sy you might have a very maningful vision of the future if you are going to work with language.

Think of the single, big idea you want to convey. THEN start writing. Keep in mind that you can write and write and write, and then use copy-paste to rearrange the paragraphs later.

Look at other essays in these forums, so you'll get inspired.

:-)

Essays / An article about university politics? [2]

I know what you mean. Sometimes the mind does not function properly, either because of dietary issues or an overload of work or emotions... we get "blocked." Being a good student means being able to regulate the mind and unblock it. Start with deep breathing to super oxygenate yourself, and keep your attention between the eyebrows as you look at the screen.

Talk to yourself about the key words: politics at your university. How can you find out about this? On the website? Through student publications? Gather your materials together and read them. as you read, make a list of facts.

How to turn each fact into a paragraph:
State the fact as a topic sentence. Write a sentence to elaborate or explain it for slow thinkers like me.
Add another sentence with a quotation or example to support the idea.
Write a conclusion sentence for the paragraph... some thoughtful comment about the fact.

Start with that, and let's see what you write!

Writing Feedback / "a great nation indicator" - GRE Issue essay [2]

Recently means "not very long ago"
I'm going to take GRE analysis writing test soon. Would you please help me to revise this issue essay. (an issue is some kind of subject of concern, such as the issue of education in developing nations)

The speaker states that the most significant indicator of a great nation is the welfare of all the people rather than the achievements by the rulers, artists and scientists.

You make a good argument about the sgnificance of the general welfare of the people.

In fact, great pioneering people and general welfare are both of significance to a great nation, which are interrelated rather than conflicting.---- very good sentence!! If you can express a complex idea like this one in English, you will do very well!!

Writing Feedback / The new use for salicylates reduce number of headaches [5]

Well, you sould not worry too much about awkwardness. In a globalising world, with English being such a prominent language, English will take many forms. Your way of using it is just as good as mine, so you are ready to conquer the world (or at least your professional field.)

:-)

But here is something:
But it does not necessarily means that the aspirin and salicylates are of the same function in treating headaches. It is possible that salicylates are not able to relieve the pain of headaches. If this is the case, the use of salicylates cannot serve as an explanation for the steadily declining number of headaches in the study.--- compare this to the way you wrote it, and read it aloud.

serve as an explanation for
does not necessarily mean (no s)
cannot is one word.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Almost at the bottom!", Common Application Main Essay [21]


It's too bad you have to work so hard an become bilingual. I wish I was bilingual. You should be very proud and confident. Practice by reading books that you love in English. One good one is the Power of Now by Tolle. Read the Chinese version and also the English, and practice English by reading the whole book aloud from start to finish. You MUST read it aloud and actually speak the words. That deeply teaches your brain :-D

You could cut out all of this:
As a student, I was hopeless..

Or you could find a way to write all that in a single sentence. But actually it would be good to get rid of ALL that stuff about the video games and how you got bad grades, and start with the good stuff:

One day in class, teacher asked me to solve a problem regarding the slope of a trigonometric graph. Trying not to be nervous, I took a glimpse of the problem on the black board....

That is an excellent start.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Grades represent a proper way of motivating and encouraging students to learn [3]

The first paragraph is excellent!
However, as far as I am concerned, grades can give encouragement to students in learning as long as they are treated properly.

with relatively objective criteria.

Take my experience as an example; in my last TOEFL Test, the poor score in "Speaking" showed that my oral needed improvement.

Nice job, you write better than MANY native speakers of English. Better than most of us, actually.

Taking into account all the points made above, we can safely draw the conclusion that grades represent a proper way of motivating and encouraging students to learn. Grades for the reason that it helps help students know their advantages and disadvantages, make students learn through competing, and give students a clear goal.

:-)