Scholarship / Need help in ideas for financial aid scholarship [4]


What?! Don't you have any ideas at all about your own values? If you have no real values, I don't want to help you pretend to have some! The thing is, you might be self-conscious about your writing, and you might be shy about it... but you still have to take a whack at the challenge of expressing what is important to you. Are you interested in anything other than having plenty of money and comfort?

If you had a million bucks to spend on improving the world, how much would you spend on environment, how much on education in the developing world, how much on medical research? That ought to get you started thinking about what YOUR unique values are.

Essays / To write an essay regarding attitude [8]

You have to at least try. We are not here to do the writing for people, only to help them improve. Soon, you will have to improve your skill. Practice some reading aloud and then try writing a paragraph. You can do it!

:-)

Research Papers / Writing an Annotated Bibliography using 3 articles in APA format/style [6]

Whenever you are not sure how to format something, google it. I googled this for you: annotated bibliography example

I found this owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/614/02/
However, I want to point out that in some annotated bibs the writer describes each source in only about 100 words. It does not have to be as extensive as the examples on that page.

These vary so much that you really need an example from the teacher. Otherwise, the teacher needs to be okay with whatever style you choose. But you should give the publication info for a source, and then, below it, write a sentence that captures the main idea of that source. Then, elaborate with 2 more sentences. Then, evaluate it and reflect on its strengths or weaknesses.

I see that this is APA style, so google this:
apa style annotated bibliography example

:-)

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplement - "School comes first, hockey second" [2]

One sentence:
I could stay at home and finish high school with my friends, or I could move three hours away from home and face the challenge of a new school and high level Jr. "A" hockey.

Alright, I am going to have to suggest that you bench some of your players. The first para is well-written, but it's got to be pulled out of the game for now. I think you should start with the second paragraph, which also makes an excellent intro, and by the time that paragraph ends it should be talking about ACADEMIC challenges.

Refer specifically to some subjects you have studied or researched, and then make an insightful connection between what you learned and what you were experiencing as the new kid in this school. Make it so that the focus on this is on intellectual insight, academic stuff. Use hockey as the theme for your personal reflection, but reflect on stuff from academic disciplines--especially in your chosen field.

Undergraduate / Hospitality Administration - Cornell Transfer Admissions Essay [10]


Oh, I see, well then this impression I got is only half of the impression you will be making. Good, I bet the impression you make will be great.

I just did my best yesterday to articulate the experience I got from it. If buying that resort was your project, too, and this is a "family business," that is another good way to make the essay inspirational!

:-)

BTW your last comment makes me think that you think idealism is a cliche! Ha ha, is it corny to express idealistic, very high-minded life goals? For example, read about the life of Thich Nhat Hanh. Some people settle for nothing less than the greatest possible effort to alleviate suffering and increase the likelihood that humanity will survive this weird century. Just a thought...

Scholarship / hispanic college fund essay; arrived in the US and seeing hope [6]

Well... put a comma after instead:
Instead, all me and my family saw was hope -- something that we had not felt in a long time. and I added a dash (like this -- )

The previous eight years in Mexico had been very tough.

About your ares and weres... I think your verb tenses are good! Keep them as they are!
But you need to use paragraphs.
----something that we had not felt in a long time. NOW START A NEW PARAGRAPH

--- future held if I just kept working hard.NOW START A NEW PARAGRAPH

-----need for even the simplest of things.NOW START A NEW PARAGRAPH

:-)

Writing Feedback / Editorial on Martin Luther King Day [4]

Hahahahahah hah, you are funny...


Yeah, I think everyone should be a die hard mlk fan. And even if we are not, we might tend to see this essay in a negative light because king was SUCH a hero and genius. I'm in awe of his writing.

So, I think you could do a great editorial by focusing on this argument: MLK ay should now be a time when we reflect on the contributions of all civil rights heroes, including ______, _________, ________, ______, _____,...

The effort to convince readers that establishing mlk day was unnecessary is... unnecessary. The cool part of your argument, which still can be controversial, is that you are in favor of honoring all these others as well as MLK. A little rewrite would make this all-positive with no irreverence to King.

:-)

about the compare and contrast, remember that you have to show both similarities and differences, and you can chooe point-by-point or alternating eslbee.com/compcont.htm

Undergraduate / Goizueta Essay on Leadership [4]

No, I don't think it digresses in a bad way. A conclusion often adds "something extra," a little additional insight that the reader remembers after finishing the essay. I think the ending is nice.

Here is an idea, use a dash:
There I was standing on the field with soccer balls, cones and drinks -- not knowing that in the next 45 minutes I would meet kids whom I would be coaching for the next three years.

Essays / A good fence is a good neighbor (a pro or con side on the phrase) [2]


This shows that you don't understand the real meaning. Maybe if you google around you will get good ideas about the wisdom that underlies this saying. I will give you a hint: Another saying goes, "The best way to ensure lasting peace is to always be well-prepared for war."

You may be able to get insight from this saying to learn what is meant by the saying about good fences making good neighbors. I notice that you titled this thread "Good fences are good neighbors," so it really seems like you misunderstood the saying.

How funny it is that a neighbor can become a better neighbor if I build a better fence between us!

Write this again, and enjoy the writing! :-)

Undergraduate / Why I want to research Chemistry [3]

In that midle paragraph, it would be great to cite a few research articles as examples of the great advances made in this field. Here are a few ideas for improving the clarity:

Every since I was in middle school, science has always been one of the subject that was most fascinating to me; I just fell in love with it.

I would love to see the look on a person's face once that person learns that I have just saved a life with my own research.

I am also preparing myself mentally for the up coming changes that I will be going through as I continue into this field of study; it will be difficult, but I am determined.

:-)

Research Papers / Greenhouse Effect Outline Help/Review (Senior Research Paper) [4]

I think you should not try to come up with an outline yet. You should just search a database for great articles, and start reading. As you read, you'll take notes, and the notes will become body paragraphs. When you have a good collection of paragraphs, write an outline based on them.

If the teacher requires an outline early, start reading and taking notes right away. The easy way to do this is to let the topics emerge from your reading. Just enjoy your reading and note taking.

:-)

Research Papers / Research Paper on short story "Optimists" by Richard Ford [5]

This is a very complicated thesis statement for the essay. If you had to say it all in a sentence, what would the sentence say? the central conflict of the story consists of ______________> (can it be captured clearly in one sentence? If you can explain your thesis statement in one sentence, the essay will be powerful.

:-)

Undergraduate / Art school admissions personal statement (applying for fashion design) [5]

Let's not say you had a lot of free time, because it sounds like your homschooling as not rigorous:

Being homeschooled, I had a lot of solitary time that I spent dabbling in many different various forms and mediums of art, trying find something I connected with.

For this central message, maybe we want to name something more specific than just "art."
"Ever since I was old enough to hold a crayon, visual art has been a significant part of my life. --- adding detail like this makes the essay not-so-general.

this is the kind of sentence tha needs a semi-colon:
One of the highlights of my artistic life was took place when I wore one of my dresses to a concert; I was approached by a couple who worked for a teenage clothing brand, they were quite surprised when I told them I made the dress myself.

Undergraduate / 10th Grade Paper - "What is something that has impacted your life?" [5]

Here are some other ideas:

They associate this idea with smell old people long, boring conversations and having to yell twice as loud for their so that grandma can hear them. This is not the case for me, though -- not with my grandma. I love going to her house, where pictures of family members are hanging on every wall and hidden in drawers were found everywhere I looked.

The greatest memory of love her house, though, is my memory of the time I found out I had a big sister while looking at a family picture.

Today, Tanisha is now 18 and I am 16, and we still get along perfectly.

All of this made me realize that the day I met my sister, I also met my best friend, when I met one more person who loved me in my life, and when I created a bond that will last a lifetime.

Undergraduate / College Personal Essay help ("I don't lie through my art"). [4]

Ha ha, it's because the correct spelling is SO different from the way you would expect it to be! that word gave me a hard time, too, when I first tried to use it.

Undergraduate / Why OSU? Hard work, resources and research facilities [5]

My school principal helped me to identify some of the top American universities and my own intensive research done by me on the programs that each of these universities had to offer helped me to select Ohio State University as my ideal college which has a great academic and social environment. A degree in finance and economics from OSU will provide me an excellent opportunity to work as a financial consultant and aid prepare me to provide guidance to the communities that are struggling to attain financial stability. and their ability to cope with recessions.

I hope this is a helpful idea for revision!

:-)

Undergraduate / About myself and undergraduate studies (a stable and challenging career) [3]

It took 25 years to create who I am today.

Within those years, I have been given enjoyed the freedom to explore the world in order to and satisfy my curiosity towards about all the strange and incredible things in the worlds around me.

I grew up in the healthy family but not rich. I had the 2 younger sisters and one brother. I am the oldest at home. I learnt something from my father. He always said he would not "educated female with his money." --- what does this part mean? You have to use another sentence to explain it, and you have to revise this. Is it supposed to say this?----> He always said he would not educate a (female??) with his money.

I am confused about that part.

The conclusion is SO great!

Scholarship / When life throws you Hurdles, theres nothing to do but Leap [3]

This is great. I have made it through the first half, and it seems like a very impressive piece of writing about perseverance. You used a lot of great ideas and interesting ways of expressing them.

"I can do this," I repeated, until with triumph (no comma necessary here) I bent my finger by its first centimeter almost 45 degrees. My success motivated me to work harder.--- do you like it this way? The thing about the centimeter was confusing to me.

Inspired by Coach's words, I was filled with--- don't capitalize coach here.

Through adversity I have emerged a hurdler, with the persistence and determination to readily face whatever barriers may come my way. This is why I deserve the (name of scholarship).

You shuld feel very confident about this essay. They love this sort of thing.. :0)

Book Reports / Owen Mean Essay ( AP Lit) [2]

Hi Edgar, I think you should add one last sentence to the intro para to make it absolutely clear what your thesis argument is:
This essay is intended to show that ___________.

then start para #2:
The many religious characteristics lead the reader to easily foreshadow his fate. ------- but the reader does not foreshadow. Events in the story foreshadow. Revise this sentence.

The things you write in the essay do not seem to support your thesis directly. Always ask yourself what the main message is that you are trying to convey to the reader.

:-)

Undergraduate / How to write statement of purpose?- University of Texas transfer essay A [3]


I agree!

Also, I always tell people to let the reader know about a plan for the next 5 years or so... including college and the career aspiration to follow. Show them that you have a clear plan for what you want to do and where you want to do it, so that they know you ae driven -- and not one of those people just being ushered through life by the adults. This is what I always say to everyone, but I think in your case your ideas for what to write show that you do indeed have a plan, so... my advice is not so important. I agree with what Linmark said: and as you research the school, use the info to show that the school is a crucial part of your clearly envisioned plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / College Personal Essay help ("I don't lie through my art"). [4]


wow!! awesome

write turns instead of turn, though.

To make a long story short there has always been something about me that the world has found less than worthy ---- well, not in this case, this may be the most impressive intro to an essay I have read all week. You are worthy...

capitalize Internet.
ha ha, comradery camaraderie

If there is room to write more, write more, because all your words are impressive.

Undergraduate / Common App (Elaborate on an Activity -Music) [3]


cliche!

Writing and listening to it gives writing and listening give...

While I was growing up in my mom's belly, my father used to place the stereo close to her. ---- this is nothing unusual or particularly interesting/impressive.

keep the verb tenses the same:
I always had wondered if that was the reason why I liked music so much.
or
I always often wonder if that's the reason why I like music so much.

I wanted to be a professional singer but hearing myself sing in the shower quickly changed my mind. ------ cool, that is getting interesting.

Music makes my day.------ ahh! Why write this here?

It can change my moods, emotions and thoughts in a snap. --- same is true of everyone.

When I'm sad it makes me happy, if I'm distracted it helps me focus. ---- run on sentence!

I think that without music my little platonic world wouldn't exist. ?????

Even though I might never be a recording artist, if there is music in my life, there is one more reason to keep me going. ------- what?!! why would you even consider not being a recording artist? Why are you not one already? Audacity is free. audacity.sourceforge.net/

Start this over. Consider this one a warm up exercise. Definitely dont tel the reader you might never be a recording artist, oh my word... Tell the reader things that show your unbreakable resolve.

check out this 4 min 20 sec piece for inspiration: youtube.com/watch?v=KxxuSiC4wNw

Writing is music, too! So... decide what effect you want to have on the reader and choose words that brig them to a deep state of mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / Raised as the 7th child of eight children; it's hard to fail but worse never to have tired to succed [2]

I work hard and strive to be the best in all aspects of _________.

I lost my mother at age eleven, and at the time it was an difficult lost to take apond at such a young age devastating to me; I will _________________. ------- you say this after saying you were the 7th child and that you strive hard. It seems to be a different subject altogether.

Hmmm.. explain how this loss affected you during high school, and think of a clear message you want to convey.

Do you have microsoft office? If so, follow its prompts to correct run on sentences and grammar errors.

Undergraduate / Hospitality Administration - Cornell Transfer Admissions Essay [10]

I have been am fortunate to have had many rich experiences in the hospitality industry without formal training, but it has always been my goal to complete my education.

This is a little too obvious to be an interesting first sentence.

I wonder if it might not be a good idea to show that you are just following what your parents have done instead of seeking your own path... maybe a little less emphasis on the work of your parents would present you in a more positive light.

You don't make a very convincing case about being interested in using your work in this industry to preserve the planet. Simply mentioning it is not enough; it would be nice if you had a vision for helping to promote eco-tourism in developing parts of the world, but based on the essay you don't seem to have that sort of thing in your plan. You definitely write well, and without errors, but the effect you have on the reader is not as inspiring as it could be.

Scholarship / Positive impact in the world through your studies -How to analyse this question? [4]

Describe a plan for action. Tell them what you will do in the next five years, in the next ten years. If you had a clear plan for the future, this would be an easy essay to write. First look to your future; then start typing the essay. If you don't know what your major/career is going to be, think of one tentatively, and imaginatively come up with a tentative plan for the future.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Cool vs uncool - an argumentive definition essay [7]

...means neither warm nor very cold, or that uncool means to be either warm or very cold, but I won't.

It seems to be a problem that you are approaching this as an argument o distinguish one word from another rather than to define a single word. This is about two words. However, what I'm saying is no big deal; it just might be better to give a little less emphasis to "uncool."

It would be cool to mention "uncool" only one in the essay.

Environments don't define things. you can write: Cool is defined differently in some environments than in others.

End your first paragraph with a clear expression of your argument. Right now you end it with this, which is not a good argument about the definition: There are many ways to define cool and how to be cool; there are also ways to be uncool.

This is not "arguable." A good argumentative essay says something controversial, but you are saying something everyone would agree with.

Still, I think your premise is pretty cool.

Writing Feedback / Editorial on Martin Luther King Day [4]


good question! Just use one period
grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/period.htm

I don't like your premise of challenging the appropriateness of MLK day. Even the groundhog has a holiday, so... if you want a civil rights day, start one without messing with MLK day. It's important! :-D

You are right to capitalize Xerox, i think. You could ust say "photocopied."

a soon-to-be-obsolete observance that leaves more people wondering why they did not receive any mail on the second Tuesday of October than anything else.--- hahahh this is funny.

Celebrating Dr. King's birthday pushes other civil rights leaders to the background. -- i disagree!

Early abolitionists like Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass risked their lives to help the enslaved -----good points here, maybe I am wrong... you are starting to persuade me, but only a little.

Well your structure is great, with good topic sentences and a clear argument. But... instead of challenging the appropriateness of MLK day it would be better to suggest the addition of an additional holiday, "Civil Rights Day." That's what I think, I guess. The person grading you might grade harshly if s/he thinks it is heinous to challenge King's worthiness of a holiday. Asking for a Civil Rights Day and challenging the appropriateness of MLK day are 2 different things.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Why I chose to major in Nursing" - Help on a cause and effect thesis [6]

Nope, it's because peruse is a real word! That's why essayforu is important. Spell checkers can't catch errors when they happen to be real words.

:-)

Undergraduate / "hard work and honesty" - My fascination with cornell, transfer essay [10]

After being exposed to the realities of life and experiencing the lives of the underprivileged while volunteering, I believe I have developed compassion for people and come to value life.-- now add a sentence that expresses the most important idea you want the reader to remember. It should probably have something to do with your intentions for the next few years.

Why are you writing CORNELL with all capital letters?

Tis is looking good, but I hope to see a better ending to the first paragraph -- the most important sentence in the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "effortless to answer" - AUC Admissions Essay: Why are you applying to AUC? [3]

I have to be honest. Majority of the time, any person would look at this essay question and immediately assume that it should be effortless to answer. For a percentage of individuals, that would be true. However, for me it was not.

Yes it is! Don't say this stuff above.

Don't say you want to go there because you want to be around others of your same religion, or because you love to travel. These things may be true, but it sure would be great if you were attending this school because you want to learn from a prof whose contributions to your chosen field you admire. It would be great if you had a mission in life and this school's location and resources were crucial steps along the way.

Most colleges to which I applied to had a small percentage

per say per se

Oh, this is a bad mistake: Usually, I consider myself to be a very well articulate person.

Conveniently, my family is planning to relocate to Egypt two to three months before this is not an impressive reason!

Truthfully, I had never heard of the school before applying this year. --- ahhhh!!!! start over!

:-) I admire your honesty, but... talk about your mission in life. Name professors, describe your life plan for the time you will spend in Egypt.

Graduate / UC berkeley Haas school of business - Attributes essay [2]


Walking into the 'Sproul plaza' and tracing the steps of 'Mario Savio' was a dream come true for me.
Above, I changed that because their prompt is looking for evidence that you have gone to great lengths to determine that this is the right choice for you. Know what I mean?

I started my research on Haas philosophies and culture by browsing Haas website and blogs, following tweets, and attending information sessions and corresponding with current students in the ________ program.

Name some professors and cite their articles! :-)

Graduate / PhD SOP for swiching career from Corporate to Higher education [4]


Good idea! hahahah, that is what I would do...


Depends on the school... but... if they give no guidance, how about 2-3 pages?


Good idea. Real world experience is key.

If you are clever, you can incorporate lots of good things, making the essay like a candy bar jam-packed with nuts.

BUT for your central theme, it is good to use something sort of inspirational. Let the reader in on your revelation -- that you will infuse your life's work with meaning if you can affect the learning processes of countless scholars. that is what I would to.

My friend from high school switched majors from Management info systems to education, and he was SO happy. Instead of making the conservative choice, he decided to approach life in a "heartful" way.

Undergraduate / Just an essay about myself (my dad, South Korea) [2]

My dad's recollection of the 1960's in South Korea is quite different from what you might expect.

an alarmingly large forehead----- hahaha, great!! This is a great description.

Ironically, I became like him anyway. -----very interesting... you have a great writing style.

What is up with the weird paragraph breaks?! You write so well... so... start using 4 or 5 sentences per paragraph. Especially at the end, the paragraph breaks get really weird.

You should use the last sentence of each paragraph to send a message that you want to linger in the reader's mind a little.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Competition or cooperation---GRE ANALYSIS WRITING ISSUE [3]

When you mention a word, use " marks.

"Competition" or "cooperation" -- which of these words represents the key always a heated question among us,here to success for a great leader? ,they are both key words to success.

For example, during school time, we compete with each other to earn higher grades. In order to get a higher score, almost everyone spends a large amount of time studying, thus attaining the necessary skills and gradually finding their own learning methods and value systems.------- the end of this sentence is very well written!

Don't capitalize this W below:
Second, as a whole team, While competing with...
Second, as a whole team, while competing with...

There are two shops near my home: one sells books, and the other sells coffee.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'I studied in the Philippines'; Spending money on travelling or saving? [7]

Here are some corrections:

It is due to the threat fact that of financial crisis. Many good companies have been bankrupt in America, including those affecting European markets. Therefore, it is wise to save money.

First of all, when we feel pain or fatigue in our lives, at those times we should go out like traveling on vacation.

Second, when we travel to another country or an unfamiliar place, we can learn many things that we cannot read about in the books.

Keep practicing!! :-) And keep reading English aloud, speaking the words so your brain remembers all the weird rules.

Undergraduate / writing an essay on a topic of my choice for uni application [5]

How weird, I like it.

The only mistakes I see are in this sentence:
I realized that the incident had left me with newfound strength and faith in myself, which I had lacked when I first stepped out from my mother's nest and I was not about to just let it be.

How about cutting off that first para and starting mysteriously with this:

I went all out to befriend other birds and learn new things. I enjoyed gathering...

Now, this is all a big metaphor (I think it is.. unless you are really a bird, in which case, I apologize), so you need to do something at the end to send your message clearly. So far, all I get from this is that you had a bad wake up call after trying to use your freedom before getting sufficiently prepared.

But what is your message? What is the real meaning that you are trying to convey? Some words need to be taken out to make room for more development of the message. I think you have not finished saying what you want to say to the admissions person who reads this.

:-)

Undergraduate / MASS. College of Pharmacy and healtcare Suggestions? [2]


Right here is the powerful part where you show the reader the significance of their deaths to your decision to enter the health care field. End the paragraph here, so that this point lingers in the reader's mind... and also because it is important to use paragraphs!

paragraph 2:
I want to be able to create a difference in people's... --- this is a strong start for a paragraph! So, without changing any words, we improve the message by doing a simple paragraph break..

You left the t out of boston.

:-) Nice job, is there room to write more so that the reader knows a little about your philosophy of health care?

Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay? [15]

You know how when someone goes fishing and the get a bite, they jerk on the fishing pole to hook the fish before reeling it in? I don't do barbaric things like that, but I have seen them done. There is a principle at work in that situation that can help with writing. I had trouble caring what was going on in that whole first paragraph because I didn't know what was going on until the last sentence:

Then, i nstinctively my hand throws the ball in the air, and with a jump I hit it to serve, starting the volleyball championship final.------ did you throw it instinctively, or did you throw it because you made a conscious decision to make the serve? I think instinctively might not be the right word.

In fact, it is one of the many, many modifiers that you use, too many. You have lots, LOTS of potential as a writer, in my humble opinion, because you are a real wordsmith. One of the best of 'em. So, check out this paraphrasing of an example Stephe King gave in his book called On Writing:

Compare these two... Ana wielded the hard, heavy hammer and brought it abruptly down on Bob's terrified, pale face.

or... "Ana killed Bob with a hammer." ---- adverbs and adjectives are good, but it is amazing how a sentence can take on some crazy power when you get right to the point.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / General Grammar Questions. Let's perfect (if possible) Grammars! [4]

Yes, unfortunately, the right way to write it is whomever. I hate that, because it sounds like such a smug, prissy, proper way to talk. It's one of those rules I deliberately don't observe, because I don't need to seek approval from whomever might judge me for not using "whom."

Undergraduate / my interest in science and physiology - Essay for Pharmacy School Admissions [3]

This sentence seems strange:
As I would like to remain in Montana, where I am central to both family and friends, Pharmacy is a great fit for my lifestyle.--- maybe "close to" instead of "central to"... but why does this make pharmacy an ideal career?

...of the characteristics facets I value most in a career.

it mirrors my interest in science and physiology ----- does pharmacy mirror something, really? I think maybe it "accommodates" your interests and lifestyle goals.

That last sentence should go in the previous para where you mention Montana. How about moving that last sentence out of the way and replacing it with a few sentences that summarize your main theme for the essay and list the main points made in the essay.

:-)